Читать книгу Congreve's Comedy of Manners - William Congreve - Страница 7

ACT I

SCENE 1

A room in Foresight’s house. The room is furnished with various astrological paraphernalia. Foresight, a fiftyish, pedantic man in a rather unstylish wig, enters and addresses an old servant woman.

Foresight

What, are all the women in my family abroad? Is not my wife come home? Nor my sister, nor my daughter?

Servant

No, sir.

Foresight

What can be the meaning of it? Sure the moon is in all her fortitudes. Is my niece Angelica at home?

Servant

Yes, sir.

Foresight

I believe you lie, madame.

Servant

Sir?

Foresight

I say you lie. It is impossible that anything should be as I would have it; for I was born when the Crab was ascendant and all my affairs go backward.

Servant

I can’t tell, indeed, sir.

Foresight

No, I know you can’t, madame. But I can tell, and foretell, too.

Servant

Ha, ha, ha.

Foresight

What’s the matter?

Servant

You have put on one stocking inside out.

Foresight

That may be a sign of very good luck. I have had several omens recently. I got out of bed backwards this morning—and without premeditation—pretty good that—but then a black cat crossed my path —bad that. Some bad, some good. (looking at his watch) Three o’clock. A very good hour for business.

(Enter Angelica.)

Angelica

Is it not a good hour for pleasure too, Uncle Foresight? Pray lend me your coach, mine’s out of order.

Foresight

What, would you be gadding about, too? Sure all these females are mad today. An evil portent. I remember a prophecy—it bodes of cuckoldom.

Angelica

But Uncle Foresight, I can neither make you a cuckold by going out, nor secure you from it by staying at home.

Foresight

Not so. While one woman is left in the house, the prophecy is not in full force—

Angelica

But my inclinations are in force; I have a mind to go out. If you won’t lend me your coach, I’ll take a hackney. Cast a horoscope and see who is in conjunction with your wife. You know my Aunt is a little retrograde in her nature. I’m afraid you are not the lord of the ascendant. Ha, ha, ha.

Foresight

You are a very pert flirt.

Angelica (stifling her laughter)

Uncle, don’t be angry. If you are, I’ll swear you are a nuisance to the neighborhood with your false prophecies, miraculous dreams, and idle divinations.

Foresight

Why, you malapert—

Angelica

Will you lend me your coach? Or I’ll continue: Nay, I’ll declare how your prophesized popery was coming. Indeed, Uncle, I’ll indict you for a wizard.

Foresight

Was there ever such a provoking minx?

Servant

How she talks—

Angelica

Yes, and I can make oath of your unlawful midnight practices, you and old Nanny there.

Servant

Oh, Lord, I at midnight practices!

Angelica

Yes. I saw you two together through the keyhole one night, like Satan and the Witch of Endor pricking your thumbs to write poor innocents’ names in blood.

Foresight

I defy you, hussy.

Angelica

I know something worse, if I would speak of it.

Foresight

I’ll remember this; I’ll be revenged on you, cockatrice; I’ll hamper you. You have your fortune in your own hands, but—

Angelica

Will you? All shall out then. Look to it, Nanny. I can bear witness that you have a great unnatural teat under your left arm and he another, and that you suckle a young devil in the shape of a tabby cat, by turns—I can.

Foresight

A teat. A teat. I, an unnatural teat! Oh, false slanderous thing.

Servant (pushing her bust out)

Feel, feel here if I have anything but what is like any other Christian.

Foresight

I will have patience. It is in my stars that I should be thus tormented. This is the effect of the malicious conjunctions and oppositions in the third house of my nativity; there the curse of kindred was foretold. But I’ll punish you. I’ll have my doors locked up. Not one man, not one gallant shall enter my house. Consider that, hussy.

Angelica

Do, Uncle, do. Lock ’em up quickly before my Aunt comes home. You’ll have a letter for alimony tomorrow morning. But let me begone first, and then let no man come near this house but he who converses with spirits and the celestial signs, the bull, and the ram, and the goat. Bless me! There are a great many horned beasts among the twelve signs. But patient cuckolds, they say, go to heaven.

Foresight

There’s but one virgin among the twelve signs, spitfire, but one virgin.

Angelica

No doubt she had an astrologer husband. That is what makes my Aunt go abroad.

Foresight

How? How? Is that the reason? Come, you know something. Tell me, and I’ll forgive you. Do, good Niece. Come, you shall have my coach and horses. Does my wife complain? I know women tell one another—she has a wanton eye and was born under Gemini, which may incline her to—incline; she has a mole upon her lip and a moist palm, and an open liberality on the mount of Venus—

Angelica

Ha, ha, ha.

Foresight

Don’t perplex your poor Uncle. Tell me. Won’t you speak?

Angelica

Goodbye, Uncle. Ha, ha, ha. I’ll find out my Aunt and tell her she must not come home.

(Enter Valentine, a magnificent Chevalier, who bows deeply to Angelica.)

Angelica

Ah, Valentine, you here?

Foresight

Ha, your gallant has arrived. We’ll speak of this another time, Niece. Come, Nurse.

(Foresight and Nurse go out.)

Angelica

Valentine, did you take exception last night? Oh, aye—and went away. Now I think on it, I am angry. No, now I think on it, I am pleased, for I believe I gave you some pain.

Valentine

Does that please you?

Angelica

Infinitely! I love to give pain.

Valentine

Do not affect cruelty. Your true nature is the power of pleasing.

Angelica

Oh, I ask your pardon for that. One’s cruelty is one’s power, and when one parts with one’s cruelty, one parts with one’s power and when one parts with that, I fancy one’s old and ugly.

Valentine

To be sure, sacrifice your lover to your cruelty. But I’ll tell you a secret: beauty is a lover’s gift, it is a reflection of a lover’s praise, not a woman’s face.

Angelica

By which you prove that if I give up my lover, I give up my beauty? Vain man. You would never have loved me if I were not handsome. Why, one makes lovers as fast as one pleases and they live as long as one pleases, and they die as soon as one pleases, and if one pleases one makes more.

Valentine

Very pretty.

Angelica

I’d as soon owe my beauty to a lover as my wit to an echo.

Valentine

Ah, but you do.

Angelica

How so?

Valentine

To your lover, you owe the pleasure of hearing yourself praised, and to an echo, the pleasure of hearing yourself talk.

Angelica

Fah! I’m going out.

Valentine

I would beg a little private audience. You had the tyranny to deny me last night, though I came to impart a secret that concerned our love.

Angelica

You saw I was engaged.

Valentine

You had the leisure to entertain a herd of fools. How can you delight in such society?

Angelica

I please myself—besides, I do it for my health.

Valentine

Your health!

Angelica

Yes. It prevents the vapors. If you persist in this offensive freedom, you’ll displease me. I think I must resolve, after all, not to have you. We shan’t agree.

Valentine

Not as regards medicinal matters.

Angelica

And yet, our distemper shall be the same, for we shall be sick of one another. I shan’t endure to be reprimanded, nor instructed; ’tis so tedious to be told one’s faults. I can’t bear it. Well, I won’t have you, Valentine. I’m resolved. (hesitating) I think— You may go. (bursts out laughing) Ha, ha, ha. (Valentine shows signs of being thoroughly vexed) (good-naturedly, almost mischievously) What would you give that you could help loving me?

Valentine (furious)

I would give something if you did not know I cannot help it!

Angelica

Come, don’t look so grave then—it’s a sure sign.

Valentine

A man may as soon make a friend with his wit or a fortune by his honesty as win a woman with sincerity!

Angelica

Sententious Valentine! Prithee, don’t look so wise and violent—like Solomon at the dividing of the child.

Valentine (controlling himself)

You are a merry madame, but I would persuade you to be serious for a moment.

Angelica

What, with that face? No, if you keep your countenance it is impossible I should keep mine. (musing) Well, after all, there is something very moving in a lovesick face. Ha, ha, ha. Well, I won’t laugh, it would be cruel—don’t be peevish. Ah, now I’ll be melancholy, as melancholy as, as a poet. (she assumes a very melancholy pose) Well, Val, if you ever would win me, woo me now. (Valentine remains furiously silent) Ah, if you are so tedious, fare you well— (starts to leave)

Valentine

Can you not find in the variety of your disposition even one moment?

Angelica

To hear you tell me that your father proposes to disinherit you?

Valentine

But, how came you to know of it?

Angelica

I will leave you to consider. When you have done thinking of that, think of me.

(Angelica sails out, leaving Valentine perplexed and cursing under his breath.)

Valentine (exploding)

INCONSTANT CREATURE!

(That stops Angelica and she returns.)

Angelica

You can’t accuse me of inconstancy; I never told you that I love you.

Valentine

Then I accuse you of not telling me whether you do or not.

Angelica

I have never troubled myself to make up my mind on the question.

Valentine

Nor good nature enough to do so—

Angelica

What, are you setting up for good nature?

Valentine

As women do for virtue, for the affectation of it. (desperately) Why won’t you hear me with patience?

Angelica

I’m tired of being pestered with flames and stuff. I think I shan’t endure the sight of a fire this twelvemonth.

Valentine

Even fire cannot melt that cruel, frozen heart.

Angelica

God, how I hate your hideous fancy; if you must talk of love, for heaven’s sake, do it with variety; don’t always come like the devil wrapped up in flames. I’ll not hear another sentence that begins: “I burn....”

Valentine

Tell me how you would be adored. I am very tractable.

Angelica

In silence.

Valentine

Humph, I thought so, that you might have all the talk to yourself—you had better let me speak, or I’ll make villainous signs—

Angelica

What would you get by that? I won’t understand signs.

Valentine

If I am to be tongue-tied, my actions will quicken your apprehensions and—egad—let me tell you my most prevailing argument is expressed in dumb show.

Angelica

Foh! An ape is a more troublesome thing than a parrot.

Valentine

There are few men but do more silly things than they say. Faith, I could be well pleased to drive a bargain in silence—it would save a man a world of swearing and lying. When wit and reason both have failed to move, Kind looks and actions from success do prove.

Angelica

Your father is coming, and I’m leaving.

(Angelica exits; Sir Sampson Plyant, Valentine’s father, enters with Foresight.)

Valentine

Your blessing, sir.

Sampson

You’ve had it already today, sir. I think I sent it to you in a bill for four thousand pounds. If there was too much, refund the superfluity, dost hear, Boy?

Valentine

Superfluity! Sir, it will scarcely pay my debts.

Sampson

Indeed. Then you should have less of them.

Valentine

I hope you will not hold me to the hard conditions I agreed to—

Sampson

Here’s a rogue, Brother Foresight, makes a bargain in the morning and would be released in the afternoon. Here’s honesty; here’s conscience.

Valentine

The bargain was made under duress.

Sampson

I shall hold you to it to the letter. Do you deny it?

Valentine

I don’t deny it, Father.

Sampson

Dog, you’ll be hanged. I shall live to see you go to Tyburn. Has he not a rogue’s face? Speak, Brother, you understand physiognomy—a hanging look to me.

Foresight (not unkindly)

Hmmm—truly, I don’t care to discourage a young man—he has madness in his face—but, I see no danger of hanging—

Valentine (aside)

Madness. There’s a lucky thought. (aloud) Sir, this usage to your Son will drive me mad.

Sampson

Why, who are you, sir?

Valentine

Your son, sir.

Sampson

That’s more than I know, sir, and I believe not.

Valentine

Indeed. Then, I hope I am not.

Sampson

What, would you make your mother a whore! (to Foresight) Did you ever hear the like?

Valentine

I was merely offering an excuse for your barbarity.

Sampson

Excuse! Why, may I not do as I please? Did you come a volunteer into this world or did I press you into service, eh?

Valentine

I know no more why I came than you do. But I came with all the appetites and senses that you begot along with me.

Sampson

Oons, what had I to do to get children? He must have appetites! Why, you’d rather eat pheasant than mutton and drink wine rather than beer. And smell. I warrant he can smell and loves perfumes above a stench. Why, there it is. And music. Don’t you love music, scoundrel?

Valentine

I’m told I have a good ear—

Sampson

A good ear! If this rogue were dissected, I’ll warrant he has vessels of digestion large enough for a Cardinal. Oons, if I had that four thousand pounds again I would not give you one shilling. ’Sheart, you were always fond of wit. Now, let’s see if you can live by your wit. Your brother will be in town today, then look to your covenant—you must renounce all title to your estate in his favor.

Valentine

I have agreed to it, Father. But I think it very harsh. Good day, sir.

(Valentine bows and goes out.)

Sampson

No more to be said, Old Merlin, that’s plain. Here it is. (brandishing a paper) I have it in my hand, Old Ptolemy. He thought if he danced until doomsday, I was to pay the piper. Well, here it is, under seal.

Foresight

What is it, anyway?

Sampson

In return for saving that spendthrift from prison for debt, I have made him agree to renounce his inheritance in favor of his brother Ben. Body oh me, I’m so glad to be revenged on this unnatural rogue.

Foresight

Let me see—so it is. When was this signed? You should have consulted me as to the time.

Sampson

No matter for the time. It’s signed.

Foresight

But the time is all important.

Sampson

Brother Foresight, leave superstition. Pox on the time. There’s no time like the present.

Foresight

You are very ignorant.

Sampson

If the sun shine by day and the stars by night—why, we shall know one another without the help of a candle—and that’s all the stars are good for.

Foresight

How, how? Give me leave to contradict you. You are an ignorant agnostic and skeptic.

Sampson

Ignorant! Why, I have traveled the globe and seen the antipodes where the sun rises at midnight and sets at noon.

Foresight

But I can tell you that I have traveled in the celestial spheres, known the signs and the planets and their houses. Can judge of motions, direct and retrograde. Know whether life shall be long or short, happy or unhappy, if journeys shall be prosperous, undertakings successful, or stolen goods recovered. Furthermore, I know—

Sampson

And I know the length of the Emperor of China’s foot! And I have made a cuckold of a king. Body oh me, the present Majesty of Bantam is the issue of these loins!

Foresight

I know when braggarts lie or speak the truth, even when they don’t know it themselves.

Sampson

I have known an astrologer made a cuckold in the twinkling of a star; and seen a conjuror that could not keep the devil out of his wife’s circle—ha, Old Wizard. Old Galileo.

Foresight

Do you mean my wife, Sir Sampson? By the body of the sun—

Sampson

By the horns of the moon, you would say, Brother Capricorn.

Foresight

Capricorn in your teeth, Liar. Take back your inheritance and put your son Ben back to sea. I’ll wed my daughter Prue to an Egyptian mummy before she shall incorporate with the son of one who scoffs at science.

Sampson

Body oh me, I have gone too far. I must not provoke Copernicus too much. An Egyptian mummy is an illustrious creature, my trusty hieroglyphic, and may have significations about him. What, thou art not angry for a jest, my Good Kepler. I would Ben were an Egyptian mummy for your sake. I reverence the sun, the moon, and the stars with all my heart.

Foresight

Well, why didn’t you say so?

Sampson

I love to jest. Now I think on it, I have the foot of an Egyptian mummy that I purloined from one of the pyramids when I was last in Egypt having an affair with the Pasha’s wife. You shall have it.

Foresight

But, what do you know of my wife, Sir Sampson?

Sampson

Your wife is a constellation of virtues; she’s the moon and you are the man in the moon. I was but in jest. (aside) A more shameless whore never lived.

(Sir Sampson and Foresight exit. Enter Mrs. Frail and Lady Froth at another door.)

Mrs. Frail

Indeed, madame! Is it possible your ladyship was so much in love?

Lady Froth

I could not sleep; I did not sleep for three weeks together.

Mrs. Frail

Prodigious! I wonder, want of sleep and so much love, and so much wit, as your ladyship has did not turn your brain.

Lady Froth

Oh, my dear Frail, you must tease your friend. But really, I wonder too. But I had a way. For between you and I, I had whimsies and vapors but I gave them vent.

Mrs. Frail

How?

Lady Froth

Oh, I writ, writ abundantly. Do you never write?

Mrs. Frail

Write what?

Lady Froth

Songs, elegies, satires, panegyrics, lampoons, plays and heroic poems.

Mrs. Frail

Oh Lord, not I.

Lady Froth

Oh, inconsistent, in love and not write! If my lord and I had been both of your temper, we had not come together. Bless me, what a sad thing that would have been.

Mrs. Frail

Then neither of you would ever have met with your match.

Lady Froth

Very true. I think he wants nothing but a blue ribbon and a star to make him shine the very phosphorus of our hemisphere. Do you understand those hard words? If no, I’ll explain them to you.

Mrs. Frail.

Yes, yes, I’m not so ignorant. (aside) At least I won’t own it to be troubled with your instruction.

Lady Froth

But I’m amazed you don’t write. How can your amant believe you love him?

Mrs. Frail

Oh, I have a way of showing him that leaves no doubt. But, Lady Froth, you must see my new dress. I had it brought from Paris.

Lady Froth

I shall be delighted. But, you really don’t write?

(They go out. Enter Lady Foresight at another door, followed by Maskwell. Lady Foresight is an aging, but still beautiful woman. At the moment she is in a rage. Maskwell is trying to placate her.)

Lady Foresight

I’ll hear no more. You are false and ungrateful. Come, I know you are false.

Maskwell

I have been frail in your ladyship’s service—

Lady Foresight

That I should trust a man who had betrayed his friend—

Maskwell

What friend have I betrayed or to whom?

Lady Foresight

Valentine—and to me. Can you deny it?

Maskwell

I do not.

Lady Foresight

And have you not wronged my husband? And in the highest manner—in his bed?

Maskwell

With your ladyship’s help and assistance. I can’t deny that either. Anything more, madame?

Lady Foresight

More! Have you not dishonored me?

Maskwell

No, that I deny; for I never told a soul. So that accusation is answered. On to the next, for I see you have more.

Lady Foresight

Insolent devil! Do you mock my passion? Have a care! One word to my husband and you are ruined.

Maskwell

Will you be in a temper, madame? I would not talk to be heard. I have been a very great rogue for your sake, and you reproach me with it; I am ready to be a rogue still to do you service. And you fling conscience and honor in my face. How am I to behave?

Lady Foresight

Impudent villain. Do you dare to say this to me?

Maskwell (icily)

Look you, madame, we are alone. Contain yourself and hear me. You know you loved Valentine when I first sighed for you—but you only favored my passion through revenge and policy.

Lady Foresight

Liar! Have I not met your love with passion?

Maskwell

Only to aid your revenge on Valentine. To entice me, that I might betray him to you.

Lady Foresight

Damnation! Do you provoke me again?

Maskwell

Nay, madame, I’m gone if you relapse. I say nothing but what you yourself have confessed to me. Why should you deny it? How can you?

(Lady Foresight walks about in a fury, fanning herself.)

Maskwell

I am your slave—the slave of all your pleasures. I will prevent his marriage to Angelica.

Lady Foresight

Oh, Maskwell, in vain do I disguise myself before you—you know me—to the very inmost windings of my soul.

Maskwell

Compose yourself. You shall possess and ruin him, too. Will that please you?

Lady Foresight

How, how? You dear, you precious villain, how? Let him once be mine and immediate ruin seize him the next!

Maskwell

His father has forced him to relinquish his inheritance.

Lady Foresight

But that will not prevent Angelica from marrying him. She is a romantic fool, but she has ample fortune in her own hands.

Maskwell

You have already been tampering with Lady Froth?

Lady Foresight

I have. She is ready for any impression I think fit.

Maskwell

She must be thoroughly persuaded that Valentine loves her.

Lady Foresight

She is so credulous and she likes him—likes any man—so well that she will believe it faster than I can persuade her. She will write an epic about it. But, what can we gain that way?

Maskwell

Time. Come, we must speak of this privately.

(Exit Maskwell and Lady Foresight.)