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THE MERRY WIVES OF WINDSOR
ОглавлениеBy William Shakespeare
Dramatis Personae
SIR JOHN FALSTAFF
FENTON, a young gentleman
SHALLOW, a country justice
SLENDER, cousin to Shallow
FORD, a Gentleman dwelling at Windsor
PAGE, a Gentleman dwelling at Windsor
WILLIAM PAGE, a boy, son to Page
SIR HUGH EVANS, a Welsh parson
DOCTOR CAIUS, a French physician
HOST of the Garter Inn
BARDOLPH, PISTOL, NYM; Followers of Falstaff
ROBIN, page to Falstaff
SIMPLE, servant to Slender
RUGBY, servant to Doctor Caius
MISTRESS FORD
MISTRESS PAGE
MISTRESS ANNE PAGE, her daughter, in love with Fenton
MISTRESS QUICKLY, servant to Doctor Caius
SERVANTS to Page, Ford, &c.
SCENE: Windsor and the neighbourhood
ACT I
SCENE I. Windsor. Before Page’s house
[Enter JUSTICE SHALLOW, SLENDER, and SIR HUGH EVANS.]
SHALLOW
Sir Hugh, persuade me not; I will make a Star Chamber matter of it; if he were twenty Sir John Falstaffs, he shall not abuse Robert Shallow, esquire.
SLENDER
In the county of Gloucester, Justice of Peace, and “coram.”
SHALLOW
Ay, cousin Slender, and “cust-alorum.”
SLENDER
Ay, and “rato-lorum” too; and a gentleman born, Master Parson, who writes himself “armigero” in any bill, warrant, quittance, or obligation — “armigero.”
SHALLOW
Ay, that I do; and have done any time these three hundred years.
SLENDER
All his successors, gone before him, hath done’t; and all his ancestors, that come after him, may: they may give the dozen white luces in their coat.
SHALLOW
It is an old coat.
EVANS
The dozen white louses do become an old coat well; it agrees well, passant; it is a familiar beast to man, and signifies love.
SHALLOW
The luce is the fresh fish; the salt fish is an old coat.
SLENDER
I may quarter, coz?
SHALLOW
You may, by marrying.
EVANS
It is marring indeed, if he quarter it.
SHALLOW
Not a whit.
EVANS
Yes, py’r lady! If he has a quarter of your coat, there is but three skirts for yourself, in my simple conjectures; but that is all one. If Sir John Falstaff have committed disparagements unto you, I am of the church, and will be glad to do my benevolence to make atonements and compremises between you.
SHALLOW
The Council shall hear it; it is a riot.
EVANS
It is not meet the Council hear a riot; there is no fear of Got in a riot; the Council, look you, shall desire to hear the fear of Got, and not to hear a riot; take your vizaments in that.
SHALLOW
Ha! o’ my life, if I were young again, the sword should end it.
EVANS
It is petter that friends is the sword and end it; and there is also another device in my prain, which peradventure prings goot discretions with it. There is Anne Page, which is daughter to Master George Page, which is pretty virginity.
SLENDER
Mistress Anne Page? She has brown hair, and speaks small like a woman.
EVANS
It is that fery person for all the orld, as just as you will desire; and seven hundred pounds of moneys, and gold, and silver, is her grandsire upon his death’s-bed — Got deliver to a joyful resurrections! — give, when she is able to overtake seventeen years old. It were a goot motion if we leave our pribbles and prabbles, and desire a marriage between Master Abraham and Mistress Anne Page.
SHALLOW
Did her grandsire leave her seven hundred pound?
EVANS
Ay, and her father is make her a petter penny.
SHALLOW
I know the young gentlewoman; she has good gifts.
EVANS
Seven hundred pounds, and possibilities, is goot gifts.
SHALLOW
Well, let us see honest Master Page. Is Falstaff there?
EVANS
Shall I tell you a lie? I do despise a liar as I do despise one that is false; or as I despise one that is not true. The knight Sir John is there; and, I beseech you, be ruled by your well-willers. I will peat the door for Master Page.
[Knocks.]
What, hoa! Got pless your house here!
PAGE
[Within] Who’s there?
EVANS
Here is Got’s plessing, and your friend, and Justice Shallow; and here young Master Slender, that peradventures shall tell you another tale, if matters grow to your likings.
[Enter PAGE.]
PAGE
I am glad to see your worships well. I thank you for my venison, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW
Master Page, I am glad to see you; much good do it your good heart! I wished your venison better; it was ill killed. How doth good Mistress Page? — and I thank you always with my heart, la! with my heart.
PAGE
Sir, I thank you.
SHALLOW
Sir, I thank you; by yea and no, I do.
PAGE
I am glad to see you, good Master Slender.
SLENDER
How does your fallow greyhound, sir? I heard say he was outrun on Cotsall.
PAGE
It could not be judged, sir.
SLENDER
You’ll not confess, you’ll not confess.
SHALLOW
That he will not: ‘tis your fault; ‘tis your fault. ‘Tis a good dog.
PAGE
A cur, sir.
SHALLOW
Sir, he’s a good dog, and a fair dog; can there be more said? he is good, and fair. Is Sir John Falstaff here?
PAGE
Sir, he is within; and I would I could do a good office between you.
EVANS
It is spoke as a Christians ought to speak.
SHALLOW
He hath wronged me, Master Page.
PAGE
Sir, he doth in some sort confess it.
SHALLOW
If it be confessed, it is not redressed: is not that so, Master Page? He hath wronged me; indeed he hath; — at a word, he hath, — believe me; Robert Shallow, esquire, saith he is wronged.
PAGE
Here comes Sir John.
[Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, BARDOLPH, NYM, and PISTOL.]
FALSTAFF
Now, Master Shallow, you’ll complain of me to the King?
SHALLOW
Knight, you have beaten my men, killed my deer, and broke open my lodge.
FALSTAFF
But not kiss’d your keeper’s daughter?
SHALLOW
Tut, a pin! this shall be answered.
FALSTAFF
I will answer it straight: I have done all this. That is now answered.
SHALLOW
The Council shall know this.
FALSTAFF
‘Twere better for you if it were known in counsel: you’ll be laughed at.
EVANS
Pauca verba, Sir John; goot worts.
FALSTAFF
Good worts! good cabbage! Slender, I broke your head; what matter have you against me?
SLENDER
Marry, sir, I have matter in my head against you; and against your cony-catching rascals, Bardolph, Nym, and Pistol. They carried me to the tavern, and made me drunk, and afterwards picked my pocket.
BARDOLPH
You Banbury cheese!
SLENDER
Ay, it is no matter.
PISTOL
How now, Mephostophilus!
SLENDER
Ay, it is no matter.
NYM
Slice, I say! pauca, pauca; slice! That’s my humour.
SLENDER
Where’s Simple, my man? Can you tell, cousin?
EVANS
Peace, I pray you. Now let us understand. There is three umpires in this matter, as I understand: that is — Master Page, fidelicet Master Page; and there is myself, fidelicet myself; and the three party is, lastly and finally, mine host of the Garter.
PAGE
We three to hear it and end it between them.
EVANS
Fery goot: I will make a prief of it in my note-book; and we will afterwards ork upon the cause with as great discreetly as we can.
FALSTAFF
Pistol!
PISTOL
He hears with ears.
EVANS
The tevil and his tam! what phrase is this, “He hears with ear”? Why, it is affectations.
FALSTAFF
Pistol, did you pick Master Slender’s purse?
SLENDER
Ay, by these gloves, did he — or I would I might never come in mine own great chamber again else! — of seven groats in mill-sixpences, and two Edward shovel-boards that cost me two shilling and two pence a-piece of Yead Miller, by these gloves.
FALSTAFF
Is this true, Pistol?
EVANS
No, it is false, if it is a pick-purse.
PISTOL
Ha, thou mountain-foreigner! — Sir John and master mine,
I combat challenge of this latten bilbo.
Word of denial in thy labras here!
Word of denial! Froth and scum, thou liest.
SLENDER
By these gloves, then, ‘twas he.
NYM
Be avised, sir, and pass good humours; I will say “marry trap” with you, if you run the nuthook’s humour on me; that is the very note of it.
SLENDER
By this hat, then, he in the red face had it; for though I cannot remember what I did when you made me drunk, yet I am not altogether an ass.
FALSTAFF
What say you, Scarlet and John?
BARDOLPH
Why, sir, for my part, I say the gentleman had drunk himself out of his five sentences.
EVANS
It is his “five senses”; fie, what the ignorance is!
BARDOLPH
And being fap, sir, was, as they say, cashier’d; and so conclusions passed the careires.
SLENDER
Ay, you spake in Latin then too; but ‘tis no matter; I’ll ne’er be drunk whilst I live again, but in honest, civil, godly company, for this trick; if I be drunk, I’ll be drunk with those that have the fear of God, and not with drunken knaves.
EVANS
So Got udge me, that is a virtuous mind.
FALSTAFF
You hear all these matters denied, gentlemen; you hear it.
[Enter ANNE PAGE with wine; MISTRESS FORD and MISTRESS PAGE, following.]
PAGE
Nay, daughter, carry the wine in; we’ll drink within.
[Exit ANNE PAGE.]
SLENDER
O heaven! this is Mistress Anne Page.
PAGE
How now, Mistress Ford!
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford, by my troth, you are very well met; by your leave, good mistress. [Kissing her]
PAGE
Wife, bid these gentlemen welcome. Come, we have a hot venison pasty to dinner; come, gentlemen, I hope we shall drink down all unkindness.
[Exeunt all but SHALLOW, SLENDER, and EVANS.]
SLENDER
I had rather than forty shillings I had my Book of Songs and Sonnets here.
[Enter SIMPLE.]
How, Simple! Where have you been? I must wait on myself, must I? You have not the Book of Riddles about you, have you?
SIMPLE
Book of Riddles! why, did you not lend it to Alice Shortcake upon Allhallowmas last, a fortnight afore Michaelmas?
SHALLOW
Come, coz; come, coz; we stay for you. A word with you, coz; marry, this, coz: there is, as ‘twere, a tender, a kind of tender, made afar off by Sir Hugh here: do you understand me?
SLENDER
Ay, sir, you shall find me reasonable; if it be so, I shall do that that is reason.
SHALLOW
Nay, but understand me.
SLENDER
So I do, sir.
EVANS
Give ear to his motions, Master Slender: I will description the matter to you, if you pe capacity of it.
SLENDER
Nay, I will do as my cousin Shallow says; I pray you pardon me; he’s a justice of peace in his country, simple though I stand here.
EVANS
But that is not the question; the question is concerning your marriage.
SHALLOW
Ay, there’s the point, sir.
EVANS
Marry is it; the very point of it; to Mistress Anne Page.
SLENDER
Why, if it be so, I will marry her upon any reasonable demands.
EVANS
But can you affection the ‘oman? Let us command to know that of your mouth or of your lips; for divers philosophers hold that the lips is parcel of the mouth: therefore, precisely, can you carry your good will to the maid?
SHALLOW
Cousin Abraham Slender, can you love her?
SLENDER
I hope, sir, I will do as it shall become one that would do reason.
EVANS
Nay, Got’s lords and his ladies! you must speak possitable, if you can carry her your desires towards her.
SHALLOW
That you must. Will you, upon good dowry, marry her?
SLENDER
I will do a greater thing than that upon your request, cousin, in any reason.
SHALLOW
Nay, conceive me, conceive me, sweet coz; what I do is to pleasure you, coz. Can you love the maid?
SLENDER
I will marry her, sir, at your request; but if there be no great love in the beginning, yet heaven may decrease it upon better acquaintance, when we are married and have more occasion to know one another; I hope upon familiarity will grow more contempt. But if you say “Marry her,” I will marry her; that I am freely dissolved, and dissolutely.
EVANS
It is a fery discretion answer; save, the fall is in the ort “dissolutely:” the ort is, according to our meaning, “resolutely.” His meaning is good.
SHALLOW
Ay, I think my cousin meant well.
SLENDER
Ay, or else I would I might be hanged, la!
SHALLOW
Here comes fair Mistress Anne.
[Re-enter ANNE PAGE.]
Would I were young for your sake, Mistress Anne!
ANNE
The dinner is on the table; my father desires your worships’ company.
SHALLOW
I will wait on him, fair Mistress Anne!
EVANS
Od’s plessed will! I will not be absence at the grace.
[Exeunt SHALLOW and EVANS.]
ANNE
Will’t please your worship to come in, sir?
SLENDER
No, I thank you, forsooth, heartily; I am very well.
ANNE
The dinner attends you, sir.
SLENDER
I am not a-hungry, I thank you, forsooth. Go, sirrah, for all you are my man, go wait upon my cousin Shallow.
[Exit SIMPLE.]
A justice of peace sometime may be beholding to his friend for a man. I keep but three men and a boy yet, till my mother be dead. But what though? Yet I live like a poor gentleman born.
ANNE
I may not go in without your worship: they will not sit till you come.
SLENDER
I’ faith, I’ll eat nothing; I thank you as much as though I did.
ANNE
I pray you, sir, walk in.
SLENDER
I had rather walk here, I thank you. I bruised my shin th’ other day with playing at sword and dagger with a master of fence; three veneys for a dish of stewed prunes — and, by my troth, I cannot abide the smell of hot meat since. Why do your dogs bark so? Be there bears i’ the town?
ANNE
I think there are, sir; I heard them talked of.
SLENDER
I love the sport well; but I shall as soon quarrel at it as any man in England. You are afraid, if you see the bear loose, are you not?
ANNE
Ay, indeed, sir.
SLENDER
That’s meat and drink to me now. I have seen Sackerson loose twenty times, and have taken him by the chain; but I warrant you, the women have so cried and shrieked at it that it passed; but women, indeed, cannot abide ‘em; they are very ill-favoured rough things.
[Re-enter PAGE.]
PAGE
Come, gentle Master Slender, come; we stay for you.
SLENDER
I’ll eat nothing, I thank you, sir.
PAGE
By cock and pie, you shall not choose, sir! come, come.
SLENDER
Nay, pray you lead the way.
PAGE
Come on, sir.
SLENDER
Mistress Anne, yourself shall go first.
ANNE
Not I, sir; pray you keep on.
SLENDER
Truly, I will not go first; truly, la! I will not do you that wrong.
ANNE
I pray you, sir.
SLENDER
I’ll rather be unmannerly than troublesome. You do yourself wrong indeed, la!
[Exeunt.]
SCENE II. The same
[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE.]
EVANS
Go your ways, and ask of Doctor Caius’ house which is the way; and there dwells one Mistress Quickly, which is in the manner of his nurse, or his dry nurse, or his cook, or his laundry, his washer, and his wringer.
SIMPLE
Well, sir.
EVANS
Nay, it is petter yet. Give her this letter; for it is a ‘oman that altogether’s acquaintance with Mistress Anne Page; and the letter is to desire and require her to solicit your master’s desires to Mistress Anne Page. I pray you be gone: I will make an end of my dinner; there’s pippins and cheese to come.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE III. A room in the Garter Inn
[Enter FALSTAFF, HOST, BARDOLPH, NYM, PISTOL, and ROBIN.]
FALSTAFF
Mine host of the Garter!
HOST
What says my bully rook? Speak scholarly and wisely.
FALSTAFF
Truly, mine host, I must turn away some of my followers.
HOST
Discard, bully Hercules; cashier; let them wag; trot, trot.
FALSTAFF
I sit at ten pounds a week.
HOST
Thou’rt an emperor, Caesar, Keiser, and Pheazar. I will entertain Bardolph; he shall draw, he shall tap; said I well, bully Hector?
FALSTAFF
Do so, good mine host.
HOST
I have spoke; let him follow. [To BARDOLPH] Let me see thee froth and lime. I am at a word; follow.
[Exit HOST.]
FALSTAFF
Bardolph, follow him. A tapster is a good trade; an old cloak makes a new jerkin; a withered servingman a fresh tapster. Go; adieu.
BARDOLPH
It is a life that I have desired; I will thrive.
PISTOL
O base Hungarian wight! Wilt thou the spigot wield?
[Exit BARDOLPH.]
NYM
He was gotten in drink. Is not the humour conceited?
FALSTAFF
I am glad I am so acquit of this tinder-box: his thefts were too open; his filching was like an unskilful singer — he kept not time.
NYM
The good humour is to steal at a minim’s rest.
PISTOL
“Convey” the wise it call. “Steal!” foh! A fico for the phrase!
FALSTAFF
Well, sirs, I am almost out at heels.
PISTOL
Why, then, let kibes ensue.
FALSTAFF
There is no remedy; I must cony-catch; I must shift.
PISTOL
Young ravens must have food.
FALSTAFF
Which of you know Ford of this town?
PISTOL
I ken the wight; he is of substance good.
FALSTAFF
My honest lads, I will tell you what I am about.
PISTOL
Two yards, and more.
FALSTAFF
No quips now, Pistol. Indeed, I am in the waist two yards about; but I am now about no waste; I am about thrift. Briefly, I do mean to make love to Ford’s wife; I spy entertainment in her; she discourses, she carves, she gives the leer of invitation; I can construe the action of her familiar style; and the hardest voice of her behaviour, to be Englished rightly, is “I am Sir John Falstaff’s.”
PISTOL
He hath studied her will, and translated her will out of honesty into English.
NYM
The anchor is deep; will that humour pass?
FALSTAFF
Now, the report goes she has all the rule of her husband’s purse; he hath a legion of angels.
PISTOL
As many devils entertain; and “To her, boy,” say I.
NYM
The humour rises; it is good; humour me the angels.
FALSTAFF
I have writ me here a letter to her; and here another to Page’s wife, who even now gave me good eyes too, examined my parts with most judicious oeillades; sometimes the beam of her view gilded my foot, sometimes my portly belly.
PISTOL
Then did the sun on dunghill shine.
NYM
I thank thee for that humour.
FALSTAFF
O! she did so course o’er my exteriors with such a greedy intention that the appetite of her eye did seem to scorch me up like a burning-glass. Here’s another letter to her: she bears the purse too; she is a region in Guiana, all gold and bounty. I will be cheator to them both, and they shall be exchequers to me; they shall be my East and West Indies, and I will trade to them both. Go, bear thou this letter to Mistress Page; and thou this to Mistress Ford. We will thrive, lads, we will thrive.
PISTOL
Shall I Sir Pandarus of Troy become,
And by my side wear steel? then Lucifer take all!
NYM
I will run no base humour. Here, take the humour-letter; I will keep the haviour of reputation.
FALSTAFF
[To ROBIN] Hold, sirrah; bear you these letters tightly;
Sail like my pinnace to these golden shores.
Rogues, hence, avaunt! vanish like hailstones, go;
Trudge, plod away o’ hoof; seek shelter, pack!
Falstaff will learn the humour of this age;
French thrift, you rogues; myself, and skirted page.
[Exeunt FALSTAFF and ROBIN.]
PISTOL
Let vultures gripe thy guts! for gourd and fullam holds,
And high and low beguile the rich and poor;
Tester I’ll have in pouch when thou shalt lack,
Base Phrygian Turk!
NYM
I have operations in my head which be humours of revenge.
PISTOL
Wilt thou revenge?
NYM
By welkin and her star!
PISTOL
With wit or steel?
NYM
With both the humours, I:
I will discuss the humour of this love to Page.
PISTOL
And I to Ford shall eke unfold
How Falstaff, varlet vile,
His dove will prove, his gold will hold,
And his soft couch defile.
NYM
My humour shall not cool: I will incense Page to deal with poison; I will possess him with yellowness, for the revolt of mine is dangerous: that is my true humour.
PISTOL
Thou art the Mars of malcontents; I second thee; troop on.
[Exeunt.]
SCENE IV. A room in Doctor Caius’s house
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY, and SIMPLE.]
QUICKLY
What, John Rugby!
[Enter RUGBY.]
I pray thee go to the casement, and see if you can see my master, Master Doctor Caius, coming: if he do, i’ faith, and find anybody in the house, here will be an old abusing of God’s patience and the King’s English.
RUGBY
I’ll go watch.
QUICKLY
Go; and we’ll have a posset for’t soon at night, in faith, at the latter end of a seacoal fire.
[Exit RUGBY.]
An honest, willing, kind fellow, as ever servant shall come in house withal; and, I warrant you, no tell-tale nor no breed-bate; his worst fault is that he is given to prayer; he is something peevish that way; but nobody but has his fault; but let that pass. Peter Simple you say your name is?
SIMPLE
Ay, for fault of a better.
QUICKLY
And Master Slender’s your master?
SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth.
QUICKLY
Does he not wear a great round beard, like a glover’s paring-knife?
SIMPLE
No, forsooth; he hath but a little whey face, with a little yellow beard — a cane-coloured beard.
QUICKLY
A softly-sprighted man, is he not?
SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth; but he is as tall a man of his hands as any is between this and his head; he hath fought with a warrener.
QUICKLY
How say you? — O! I should remember him. Does he not hold up his head, as it were, and strut in his gait?
SIMPLE
Yes, indeed, does he.
QUICKLY
Well, heaven send Anne Page no worse fortune! Tell Master Parson Evans I will do what I can for your master: Anne is a good girl, and I wish —
[Re-enter RUGBY.]
RUGBY
Out, alas! here comes my master.
QUICKLY
We shall all be shent. Run in here, good young man; go into this closet.
[Shuts SIMPLE in the closet.]
He will not stay long. What, John Rugby! John! what, John, I say! Go, John, go inquire for my master; I doubt he be not well that he comes not home.
[Exit Rugby.]
[Sings.] And down, down, adown-a, &c.
[Enter DOCTOR CAIUS.]
CAIUS
Vat is you sing? I do not like des toys. Pray you, go and vetch me in my closet une boitine verde — a box, a green-a box: do intend vat I speak? a green-a box.
QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth, I’ll fetch it you.
[Aside] I am glad he went not in himself: if he had found the young man, he would have been horn-mad.
CAIUS
Fe, fe, fe fe! ma foi, il fait fort chaud. Je m’en vais a la cour — la grande affaire.
QUICKLY
Is it this, sir?
CAIUS
Oui; mettez le au mon pocket: depechez, quickly — Vere is dat knave, Rugby?
QUICKLY
What, John Rugby? John!
[Re-enter Rugby.]
RUGBY
Here, sir.
CAIUS
You are John Rugby, and you are Jack Rugby: come, take-a your rapier, and come after my heel to de court.
RUGBY
‘Tis ready, sir, here in the porch.
CAIUS
By my trot, I tarry too long — Od’s me! Qu’ay j’oublie? Dere is some simples in my closet dat I vill not for the varld I shall leave behind.
QUICKLY
[Aside] Ay me, he’ll find the young man there, and be mad!
CAIUS
O diable, diable! vat is in my closet? — Villainy! larron!
[Pulling SIMPLE out]
Rugby, my rapier!
QUICKLY
Good master, be content.
CAIUS
Verefore shall I be contenta?
QUICKLY
The young man is an honest man.
CAIUS
What shall de honest man do in my closet? dere is no honest man dat shall come in my closet.
QUICKLY
I beseech you, be not so phlegmatic. Hear the truth of it: he came of an errand to me from Parson Hugh.
CAIUS
Vell.
SIMPLE
Ay, forsooth, to desire her to —
QUICKLY
Peace, I pray you.
CAIUS
Peace-a your tongue! — Speak-a your tale.
SIMPLE
To desire this honest gentlewoman, your maid, to speak a good word to Mistress Anne Page for my master, in the way of marriage.
QUICKLY
This is all, indeed, la! but I’ll ne’er put my finger in the fire, and need not.
CAIUS
Sir Hugh send-a you? — Rugby, baillez me some paper: tarry you a little-a while. [Writes.]
QUICKLY
I am glad he is so quiet: if he had been throughly moved, you should have heard him so loud and so melancholy. But notwithstanding, man, I’ll do you your master what good I can; and the very yea and the no is, the French doctor, my master — I may call him my master, look you, for I keep his house; and I wash, wring, brew, bake, scour, dress meat and drink, make the beds, and do all myself —
SIMPLE
‘Tis a great charge to come under one body’s hand.
QUICKLY
Are you avis’d o’ that? You shall find it a great charge; and to be up early and down late; but notwithstanding, — to tell you in your ear, — I would have no words of it — my master himself is in love with Mistress Anne Page; but notwithstanding that, I know Anne’s mind, that’s neither here nor there.
CAIUS
You jack’nape; give-a dis letter to Sir Hugh; by gar, it is a shallenge: I will cut his troat in de Park; and I will teach a scurvy jack-a-nape priest to meddle or make. You may be gone; it is not good you tarry here: by gar, I will cut all his two stones; by gar, he shall not have a stone to throw at his dog.
[Exit SIMPLE.]
QUICKLY
Alas, he speaks but for his friend.
CAIUS
It is no matter-a ver dat: — do not you tell-a me dat I shall have Anne Page for myself? By gar, I vill kill de Jack priest; and I have appointed mine host of de Jartiere to measure our weapon. By gar, I vill myself have Anne Page.
QUICKLY
Sir, the maid loves you, and all shall be well. We must give folks leave to prate: what, the good-jer!
CAIUS
Rugby, come to the court vit me. By gar, if I have not Anne Page, I shall turn your head out of my door. Follow my heels, Rugby.
[Exeunt CAIUS and RUGBY.]
QUICKLY
You shall have An fool’s-head of your own. No, I know Anne’s mind for that: never a woman in Windsor knows more of Anne’s mind than I do; nor can do more than I do with her, I thank heaven.
FENTON
[Within]
Who’s within there? ho!
QUICKLY
Who’s there, I trow? Come near the house, I pray you.
[Enter FENTON.]
FENTON
How now, good woman! how dost thou?
QUICKLY
The better, that it pleases your good worship to ask.
FENTON
What news? how does pretty Mistress Anne?
QUICKLY
In truth, sir, and she is pretty, and honest, and gentle; and one that is your friend, I can tell you that by the way; I praise heaven for it.
FENTON
Shall I do any good, thinkest thou? Shall I not lose my suit?
QUICKLY
Troth, sir, all is in His hands above; but notwithstanding, Master Fenton, I’ll be sworn on a book she loves you. Have not your worship a wart above your eye?
FENTON
Yes, marry, have I; what of that?
QUICKLY
Well, thereby hangs a tale; good faith, it is such another Nan; but, I detest, an honest maid as ever broke bread. We had an hour’s talk of that wart; I shall never laugh but in that maid’s company; — but, indeed, she is given too much to allicholy and musing. But for you — well, go to.
FENTON
Well, I shall see her to-day. Hold, there’s money for thee; let me have thy voice in my behalf: if thou seest her before me, commend me.
QUICKLY
Will I? i’ faith, that we will; and I will tell your worship more of the wart the next time we have confidence; and of other wooers.
FENTON
Well, farewell; I am in great haste now.
QUICKLY
Farewell to your worship. —
[Exit FENTON.]
Truly, an honest gentleman; but Anne loves him not; for I know Anne’s mind as well as another does. Out upon ‘t, what have I forgot?
[Exit.]
ACT II
SCENE I. Before Page’s house
[Enter MISTRESS PAGE, with a letter.]
MRS. PAGE
What! have I scaped love-letters in the holiday-time of my beauty, and am I now a subject for them? Let me see.
“Ask me no reason why I love you; for though Love use Reason for his precisian, he admits him not for his counsellor. You are not young, no more am I; go to, then, there’s sympathy: you are merry, so am I; ha! ha! then there’s more sympathy; you love sack, and so do I; would you desire better sympathy? Let it suffice thee, Mistress Page, at the least, if the love of soldier can suffice, that I love thee. I will not say, pity me: ‘tis not a soldierlike phrase; but I say, Love me. By me,
Thine own true knight,
By day or night,
Or any kind of light,
With all his might,
For thee to fight,
JOHN FALSTAFF.”
What a Herod of Jewry is this! O wicked, wicked world! One that is wellnigh worn to pieces with age to show himself a young gallant. What an unweighed behaviour hath this Flemish drunkard picked, with the devil’s name! out of my conversation, that he dares in this manner assay me? Why, he hath not been thrice in my company! What should I say to him? I was then frugal of my mirth: — Heaven forgive me! Why, I’ll exhibit a bill in the parliament for the putting down of men. How shall I be revenged on him? for revenged I will be, as sure as his guts are made of puddings.
[Enter MISTRESS FORD.]
MRS. FORD
Mistress Page! trust me, I was going to your house.
MRS. PAGE
And, trust me, I was coming to you. You look very ill.
MRS. FORD
Nay, I’ll ne’er believe that; I have to show to the contrary.
MRS. PAGE
Faith, but you do, in my mind.
MRS. FORD
Well, I do, then; yet, I say, I could show you to the contrary. O, Mistress Page! give me some counsel.
MRS. PAGE
What’s the matter, woman?
MRS. FORD
O woman, if it were not for one trifling respect, I could come to such honour!
MRS. PAGE
Hang the trifle, woman; take the honour. What is it? — Dispense with trifles; — what is it?
MRS. FORD
If I would but go to hell for an eternal moment or so, I could be knighted.
MRS. PAGE
What? thou liest. Sir Alice Ford! These knights will hack; and so thou shouldst not alter the article of thy gentry.
MRS. FORD
We burn daylight: here, read, read; perceive how I might be knighted. I shall think the worse of fat men as long as I have an eye to make difference of men’s liking: and yet he would not swear; praised women’s modesty; and gave such orderly and well-behaved reproof to all uncomeliness that I would have sworn his disposition would have gone to the truth of his words; but they do no more adhere and keep place together than the Hundredth Psalm to the tune of “Greensleeves.” What tempest, I trow, threw this whale, with so many tuns of oil in his belly, ashore at Windsor? How shall I be revenged on him? I think the best way were to entertain him with hope, till the wicked fire of lust have melted him in his own grease. Did you ever hear the like?
MRS. PAGE
Letter for letter, but that the name of Page and Ford differs. To thy great comfort in this mystery of ill opinions, here’s the twin-brother of thy letter; but let thine inherit first, for, I protest, mine never shall. I warrant he hath a thousand of these letters, writ with blank space for different names, sure, more, and these are of the second edition. He will print them, out of doubt; for he cares not what he puts into the press, when he would put us two: I had rather be a giantess and lie under Mount Pelion. Well, I will find you twenty lascivious turtles ere one chaste man.
MRS. FORD
Why, this is the very same; the very hand, the very words. What doth he think of us?
MRS. PAGE
Nay, I know not; it makes me almost ready to wrangle with mine own honesty. I’ll entertain myself like one that I am not acquainted withal; for, sure, unless he know some strain in me that I know not myself, he would never have boarded me in this fury.
MRS. FORD
“Boarding” call you it? I’ll be sure to keep him above deck.
MRS. PAGE
So will I; if he come under my hatches, I’ll never to sea again. Let’s be revenged on him; let’s appoint him a meeting, give him a show of comfort in his suit, and lead him on with a fine-baited delay, till he hath pawned his horses to mine host of the Garter.
MRS. FORD
Nay, I will consent to act any villainy against him that may not sully the chariness of our honesty. O, that my husband saw this letter! It would give eternal food to his jealousy.
MRS. PAGE
Why, look where he comes; and my good man too: he’s as far from jealousy as I am from giving him cause; and that, I hope, is an unmeasurable distance.
MRS. FORD
You are the happier woman.
MRS. PAGE
Let’s consult together against this greasy knight. Come hither.
[They retire.]
[Enter FORD, PISTOL, and PAGE and NYM.]
FORD
Well, I hope it be not so.
PISTOL
Hope is a curtal dog in some affairs:
Sir John affects thy wife.
FORD
Why, sir, my wife is not young.
PISTOL
He woos both high and low, both rich and poor,
Both young and old, one with another, Ford;
He loves the gallimaufry. Ford, perpend.
FORD
Love my wife!
PISTOL
With liver burning hot: prevent, or go thou,
Like Sir Actaeon he, with Ringwood at thy heels. —
O! odious is the name!
FORD
What name, sir?
PISTOL
The horn, I say. Farewell:
Take heed; have open eye, for thieves do foot by night;
Take heed, ere summer comes, or cuckoo birds do sing.
Away, Sir Corporal Nym.
Believe it, Page; he speaks sense.
[Exit PISTOL.]
FORD
[Aside] I will be patient: I will find out this.
NYM
[To PAGE] And this is true; I like not the humour of lying. He hath wronged me in some humours: I should have borne the humoured letter to her; but I have a sword, and it shall bite upon my necessity. He loves your wife; there’s the short and the long. My name is Corporal Nym; I speak, and I avouch ‘tis true. My name is Nym, and Falstaff loves your wife. Adieu. I love not the humour of bread and cheese; and there’s the humour of it. Adieu.
[Exit NYM.]
PAGE
[Aside] “The humour of it,” quoth ‘a! Here’s a fellow frights English out of his wits.
FORD
I will seek out Falstaff.
PAGE
I never heard such a drawling, affecting rogue.
FORD
If I do find it: well.
PAGE
I will not believe such a Cataian, though the priest o’ the town commended him for a true man.
FORD
‘Twas a good sensible fellow: well.
PAGE
How now, Meg!
[MISTRESS PAGE and MISTRESS FORD come forward.]
MRS. PAGE
Whither go you, George? — Hark you.
MRS. FORD
How now, sweet Frank! why art thou melancholy?
FORD
I melancholy! I am not melancholy. Get you home, go.
MRS. FORD
Faith, thou hast some crotchets in thy head now. Will you go, Mistress Page?
MRS. PAGE
Have with you. You’ll come to dinner, George?
[Aside to MRS. FORD] Look who comes yonder: she shall be our messenger to this paltry knight.
MRS. FORD
[Aside to MRS. PAGE] Trust me, I thought on her: she’ll fit it.
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.]
MRS. PAGE
You are come to see my daughter Anne?
QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth; and, I pray, how does good Mistress Anne?
MRS. PAGE
Go in with us and see; we’d have an hour’s talk with you.
[Exeunt MISTRESS PAGE, MISTRESS FORD, and MISTRESS QUICKLY.]
PAGE
How now, Master Ford!
FORD
You heard what this knave told me, did you not?
PAGE
Yes; and you heard what the other told me?
FORD
Do you think there is truth in them?
PAGE
Hang ‘em, slaves! I do not think the knight would offer it; but these that accuse him in his intent towards our wives are a yoke of his discarded men; very rogues, now they be out of service.
FORD
Were they his men?
PAGE
Marry, were they.
FORD
I like it never the better for that. Does he lie at the Garter?
PAGE
Ay, marry, does he. If he should intend this voyage toward my wife, I would turn her loose to him; and what he gets more of her than sharp words, let it lie on my head.
FORD
I do not misdoubt my wife; but I would be loath to turn them together. A man may be too confident. I would have nothing “lie on my head”: I cannot be thus satisfied.
PAGE
Look where my ranting host of the Garter comes. There is either liquor in his pate or money in his purse when he looks so merrily.
[Enter HOST and SHALLOW.]
How now, mine host!
HOST
How now, bully-rook! Thou’rt a gentleman. Cavaliero-justice, I say!
SHALLOW
I follow, mine host, I follow. Good even and twenty, good Master Page! Master Page, will you go with us? We have sport in hand.
HOST
Tell him, cavaliero-justice; tell him, bully-rook.
SHALLOW
Sir, there is a fray to be fought between Sir Hugh the Welsh priest and Caius the French doctor.
FORD
Good mine host o’ the Garter, a word with you.
HOST
What say’st thou, my bully-rook?
[They go aside.]
SHALLOW
[To PAGE] Will you go with us to behold it? My merry host hath had the measuring of their weapons; and, I think, hath appointed them contrary places; for, believe me, I hear the parson is no jester. Hark, I will tell you what our sport shall be.
[They converse apart.]
HOST
Hast thou no suit against my knight, my guest-cavaliero?
FORD
None, I protest: but I’ll give you a pottle of burnt sack to give me recourse to him, and tell him my name is Brook, only for a jest.
HOST
My hand, bully; thou shalt have egress and regress; said I well? and thy name shall be Brook. It is a merry knight. Will you go, mynheers?
SHALLOW
Have with you, mine host.
PAGE
I have heard the Frenchman hath good skill in his rapier.
SHALLOW
Tut, sir! I could have told you more. In these times you stand on distance, your passes, stoccadoes, and I know not what: ‘tis the heart, Master Page; ‘tis here, ‘tis here. I have seen the time with my long sword I would have made you four tall fellows skip like rats.
HOST
Here, boys, here, here! Shall we wag?
PAGE
Have with you. I had rather hear them scold than fight.
[Exeunt HOST, SHALLOW, and PAGE.]
FORD
Though Page be a secure fool, and stands so firmly on his wife’s frailty, yet I cannot put off my opinion so easily. She was in his company at Page’s house, and what they made there I know not. Well, I will look further into ‘t; and I have a disguise to sound Falstaff. If I find her honest, I lose not my labour; if she be otherwise, ‘tis labour well bestowed.
[Exit.]
SCENE II. A room in the Garter Inn
[Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL.]
FALSTAFF
I will not lend thee a penny.
PISTOL
Why then, the world’s mine oyster,
Which I with sword will open.
I will retort the sum in equipage.
FALSTAFF
Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my good friends for three reprieves for you and your coach-fellow, Nym; or else you had looked through the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends you were good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took ‘t upon mine honour thou hadst it not.
PISTOL
Didst not thou share? Hadst thou not fifteen pence?
FALSTAFF
Reason, you rogue, reason. Thinkest thou I’ll endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more about me, I am no gibbet for you: go: a short knife and a throng! — to your manor of Picht-hatch! go. You’ll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! — you stand upon your honour! — Why, thou unconfinable baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the terms of my honour precise. I, I, I myself sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand, and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to shuffle, to hedge, and to lurch; and yet you, rogue, will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your honour! You will not do it, you!
PISTOL
I do relent; what wouldst thou more of man?
[Enter ROBIN.]
ROBIN
Sir, here’s a woman would speak with you.
FALSTAFF
Let her approach.
[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY.]
QUICKLY
Give your worship good morrow.
FALSTAFF
Good morrow, good wife.
QUICKLY
Not so, an’t please your worship.
FALSTAFF
Good maid, then.
QUICKLY
I’ll be sworn;
As my mother was, the first hour I was born.
FALSTAFF
I do believe the swearer. What with me?
QUICKLY
Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?
FALSTAFF
Two thousand, fair woman; and I’ll vouchsafe thee the hearing.
QUICKLY
There is one Mistress Ford, sir, — I pray, come a little nearer this ways: — I myself dwell with Master Doctor Caius.
FALSTAFF
Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say, —
QUICKLY
Your worship says very true; — I pray your worship come a little nearer this ways.
FALSTAFF
I warrant thee nobody hears — mine own people, mine own people.
QUICKLY
Are they so? God bless them, and make them His servants!
FALSTAFF
Well: Mistress Ford, what of her?
QUICKLY
Why, sir, she’s a good creature. Lord, Lord! your worship’s a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you, and all of us, I pray.
FALSTAFF
Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford —
QUICKLY
Marry, this is the short and the long of it. You have brought her into such a canaries as ‘tis wonderful: the best courtier of them all, when the court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her to such a canary; yet there has been knights, and lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches; I warrant you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift after gift; smelling so sweetly, — all musk, and so rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of the best and the fairest, that would have won any woman’s heart; and I warrant you, they could never get an eye-wink of her. I had myself twenty angels given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in any such sort, as they say, but in the way of honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of them all; and yet there has been earls, nay, which is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.
FALSTAFF
But what says she to me? be brief, my good she-Mercury.
QUICKLY
Marry, she hath received your letter; for the which she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you to notify that her husband will be absence from his house between ten and eleven.
FALSTAFF
Ten and eleven?
QUICKLY
Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford, her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet woman leads an ill life with him; he’s a very jealousy man; she leads a very frampold life with him, good heart.
FALSTAFF
Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will not fail her.
QUICKLY
Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to your worship: Mistress Page hath her hearty commendations to you too; and let me tell you in your ear, she’s as fartuous a civil modest wife, and one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe’er be the other; and she bade me tell your worship that her husband is seldom from home, but she hopes there will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon a man: surely I think you have charms, la! yes, in truth.
FALSTAFF
Not I, I assure thee; setting the attraction of my good parts aside, I have no other charms.
QUICKLY
Blessing on your heart for ‘t!
FALSTAFF
But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford’s wife and Page’s wife acquainted each other how they love me?
QUICKLY
That were a jest indeed! They have not so little grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! But Mistress Page would desire you to send her your little page, of all loves: her husband has a marvellous infection to the little page; and, truly, Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in Windsor leads a better life than she does; do what she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as she will; and truly she deserves it; for if there be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must send her your page; no remedy.
FALSTAFF
Why, I will.
QUICKLY
Nay, but do so then; and, look you, he may come and go between you both; and in any case have a nayword, that you may know one another’s mind, and the boy never need to understand any thing; for ‘tis not good that children should know any wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion, as they say, and know the world.
FALSTAFF
Fare thee well; commend me to them both. There’s my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with this woman. —
[Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN.]
This news distracts me.
PISTOL
This punk is one of Cupid’s carriers;
Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights;
Give fire; she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!
[Exit PISTOL.]
FALSTAFF
Say’st thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I’ll make more of thy old body than I have done. Will they yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I thank thee. Let them say ‘tis grossly done; so it be fairly done, no matter.
[Enter BARDOLPH, with a cup of sack.]
BARDOLPH
Sir John, there’s one Master Brook below would fain speak with you and be acquainted with you: and hath sent your worship a morning’s draught of sack.
FALSTAFF
Brook is his name?
BARDOLPH
Ay, sir.
FALSTAFF
Call him in.
[Exit BARDOLPH.]
Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o’erflow such liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page, have I encompassed you? Go to; via!
[Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised.]
FORD
Bless you, sir!
FALSTAFF
And you, sir; would you speak with me?
FORD
I make bold to press with so little preparation upon you.
FALSTAFF
You’re welcome. What’s your will? — Give us leave, drawer.
[Exit BARDOLPH.]
FORD
Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much: my name is Brook.
FALSTAFF
Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.
FORD
Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you; for I must let you understand I think myself in better plight for a lender than you are: the which hath something embold’ned me to this unseasoned intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all ways do lie open.
FALSTAFF
Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.
FORD
Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me; if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or half, for easing me of the carriage.
FALSTAFF
Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.
FORD
I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.
FALSTAFF
Speak, good Master Brook; I shall be glad to be your servant.
FORD
Sir, I hear you are a scholar, — I will be brief with you, and you have been a man long known to me, though I had never so good means, as desire, to make myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine own imperfection; but, good Sir John, as you have one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded, turn another into the register of your own, that I may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you yourself know how easy is it to be such an offender.
FALSTAFF
Very well, sir; proceed.
FORD
There is a gentlewoman in this town, her husband’s name is Ford.
FALSTAFF
Well, sir.
FORD
I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her; fee’d every slight occasion that could but niggardly give me sight of her; not only bought many presents to give her, but have given largely to many to know what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have merited, either in my mind or in my means, meed, I am sure, I have received none, unless experience be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite rate, and that hath taught me to say this,
Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;
Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.
FALSTAFF
Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands?
FORD
Never.
FALSTAFF
Have you importuned her to such a purpose?
FORD
Never.
FALSTAFF
Of what quality was your love, then?
FORD
Like a fair house built on another man’s ground; so that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place where I erected it.
FALSTAFF
To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?
FORD
When I have told you that, I have told you all. Some say that though she appear honest to me, yet in other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your place and person, generally allowed for your many warlike, court-like, and learnèd preparations.
FALSTAFF
O, sir!
FORD
Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only give me so much of your time in exchange of it as to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this Ford’s wife: use your art of wooing, win her to consent to you; if any man may, you may as soon as any.
FALSTAFF
Would it apply well to the vehemency of your affection, that I should win what you would enjoy? Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.
FORD
O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on the excellency of her honour that the folly of my soul dares not present itself; she is too bright to be looked against. Now, could I come to her with any detection in my hand, my desires had instance and argument to commend themselves; I could drive her then from the ward of her purity, her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand other her defences, which now are too too strongly embattled against me. What say you to’t, Sir John?
FALSTAFF
Master Brook, I will first make bold with your money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford’s wife.
FORD
O good sir!
FALSTAFF
I say you shall.
FORD
Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.
FALSTAFF
Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her own appointment; even as you came in to me her assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at that time the jealous rascally knave, her husband, will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall know how I speed.
FORD
I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford, sir?
FALSTAFF
Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not; yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the which his wife seems to me well-favoured. I will use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue’s coffer; and there’s my harvest-home.
FORD
I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him if you saw him.
FALSTAFF
Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my cudgel; it shall hang like a meteor o’er the cuckold’s horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night. Ford’s a knave, and I will aggravate his style; thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and cuckold. Come to me soon at night.
[Exit FALSTAFF.]
FORD
What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is improvident jealousy? My wife hath sent to him; the hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man have thought this? See the hell of having a false woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are devils’ additions, the names of fiends. But Cuckold! Wittol! — Cuckold! the devil himself hath not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass; he will trust his wife; he will not be jealous; I will rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots, then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they think in their hearts they may effect, they will break their hearts but they will effect. God be praised for my jealousy! Eleven o’clock the hour. I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it; better three hours too soon than a minute too late. Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!
[Exit.]
SCENE III. A field near Windsor
[Enter CAIUS and RUGBY.]
CAIUS
Jack Rugby!
RUGBY
Sir?
CAIUS
Vat is de clock, Jack?
RUGBY
‘Tis past the hour, sir, that Sir Hugh promised to meet.
CAIUS
By gar, he has save his soul, dat he is no come; he has pray his Pible vell dat he is no come: by gar, Jack Rugby, he is dead already, if he be come.
RUGBY
He is wise, sir; he knew your worship would kill him if he came.
CAIUS
By gar, de herring is no dead so as I vill kill him. Take your rapier, Jack; I vill tell you how I vill kill him.
RUGBY
Alas, sir, I cannot fence!
CAIUS
Villany, take your rapier.
RUGBY
Forbear; here’s company.
[Enter HOST, SHALLOW, SLENDER, and PAGE.]
HOST
Bless thee, bully doctor!
SHALLOW
Save you, Master Doctor Caius!
PAGE
Now, good Master Doctor!
SLENDER
Give you good morrow, sir.
CAIUS
Vat be all you, one, two, tree, four, come for?
HOST
To see thee fight, to see thee foin, to see thee traverse; to see thee here, to see thee there; to see thee pass thy punto, thy stock, thy reverse, thy distance, thy montant. Is he dead, my Ethiopian? Is he dead, my Francisco? Ha, bully! What says my Aesculapius? my Galen? my heart of elder? Ha! is he dead, bully stale? Is he dead?
CAIUS
By gar, he is de coward Jack priest of de world; he is not show his face.
HOST
Thou art a Castalion King Urinal! Hector of Greece, my boy!
CAIUS
I pray you, bear witness that me have stay six or seven, two, tree hours for him, and he is no come.
SHALLOW
He is the wiser man, Master doctor: he is a curer of souls, and you a curer of bodies; if you should fight, you go against the hair of your professions. Is it not true, Master Page?
PAGE
Master Shallow, you have yourself been a great fighter, though now a man of peace.
SHALLOW
Bodykins, Master Page, though I now be old, and of the peace, if I see a sword out, my finger itches to make one. Though we are justices, and doctors, and churchmen, Master Page, we have some salt of our youth in us; we are the sons of women, Master Page.
PAGE
‘Tis true, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW
It will be found so, Master Page. Master Doctor Caius, I come to fetch you home. I am sworn of the peace; you have showed yourself a wise physician, and Sir Hugh hath shown himself a wise and patient churchman. You must go with me, Master Doctor.
HOST
Pardon, guest-justice. — A word, Monsieur Mockwater.
CAIUS
Mockvater! Vat is dat?
HOST
Mockwater, in our English tongue, is valour, bully.
CAIUS
By gar, then I have as much mockvater as de Englishman. — Scurvy jack-dog priest! By gar, me vill cut his ears.
HOST
He will clapper-claw thee tightly, bully.
CAIUS
Clapper-de-claw! Vat is dat?
HOST
That is, he will make thee amends.
CAIUS
By gar, me do look he shall clapper-de-claw me; for, by gar, me vill have it.
HOST
And I will provoke him to’t, or let him wag.
CAIUS
Me tank you for dat.
HOST
And, moreover, bully — but first: Master guest, and Master Page, and eke Cavaliero Slender, go you through the town to Frogmore.
[Aside to them]
PAGE
Sir Hugh is there, is he?
HOST
He is there: see what humour he is in; and I will bring the doctor about by the fields. Will it do well?
SHALLOW
We will do it.
PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER
Adieu, good Master Doctor.
[Exeunt PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER.]
CAIUS
By gar, me vill kill de priest; for he speak for a jack-an-ape to Anne Page.
HOST
Let him die. Sheathe thy impatience; throw cold water on thy choler; go about the fields with me through Frogmore; I will bring thee where Mistress Anne Page is, at a farmhouse a-feasting; and thou shalt woo her. Cried I aim! Said I well?
CAIUS
By gar, me tank you for dat: by gar, I love you; and I shall procure-a you de good guest, de earl, de knight, de lords, de gentlemen, my patients.
HOST
For the which I will be thy adversary toward Anne Page: said I well?
CAIUS
By gar, ‘tis good; vell said.
HOST
Let us wag, then.
CAIUS
Come at my heels, Jack Rugby.
[Exeunt.]
ACT III
SCENE I. A field near Frogmore
[Enter SIR HUGH EVANS and SIMPLE.]
EVANS
I pray you now, good Master Slender’s servingman, and friend Simple by your name, which way have you looked for Master Caius, that calls himself doctor of physic?
SIMPLE
Marry, sir, the pittie-ward, the park-ward, every way; old Windsor way, and every way but the town way.
EVANS
I most fehemently desire you you will also look that way.
SIMPLE
I will, Sir.
[Exit SIMPLE.]
EVANS
Pless my soul, how full of chollors I am, and trempling of mind! I shall be glad if he have deceived me. How melancholies I am! I will knog his urinals about his knave’s costard when I have goot opportunities for the ‘ork: pless my soul!
[Sings]
To shallow rivers, to whose falls
Melodious birds sings madrigals;
There will we make our peds of roses,
And a thousand fragrant posies.
To shallow —
Mercy on me! I have a great dispositions to cry.
[Sings]
Melodious birds sing madrigals, —
Whenas I sat in Pabylon, —
And a thousand vagram posies.
To shallow, —
[Re-enter SIMPLE.]
SIMPLE
Yonder he is, coming this way, Sir Hugh.
EVANS
He’s welcome.
[Sings]
To shallow rivers, to whose falls —
Heaven prosper the right! — What weapons is he?
SIMPLE
No weapons, sir. There comes my master, Master Shallow, and another gentleman, from Frogmore, over the stile, this way.
EVANS
Pray you give me my gown; or else keep it in your arms. [Reads in a book.]
[Enter PAGE, SHALLOW, and SLENDER.]
SHALLOW
How now, Master Parson! Good morrow, good Sir Hugh. Keep a gamester from the dice, and a good student from his book, and it is wonderful.
SLENDER
[Aside] Ah, sweet Anne Page!
PAGE
‘Save you, good Sir Hugh!
EVANS
Pless you from his mercy sake, all of you!
SHALLOW
What, the sword and the word! Do you study them both, Master Parson?
PAGE
And youthful still, in your doublet and hose, this raw rheumatic day!
EVANS
There is reasons and causes for it.
PAGE
We are come to you to do a good office, Master Parson.
EVANS
Fery well; what is it?
PAGE
Yonder is a most reverend gentleman, who, belike having received wrong by some person, is at most odds with his own gravity and patience that ever you saw.
SHALLOW
I have lived fourscore years and upward; I never heard a man of his place, gravity, and learning, so wide of his own respect.
EVANS
What is he?
PAGE
I think you know him: Master Doctor Caius, the renowned French physician.
EVANS
Got’s will and His passion of my heart! I had as lief you would tell me of a mess of porridge.
PAGE
Why?
EVANS
He has no more knowledge in Hibbocrates and Galen, — and he is a knave besides; a cowardly knave as you would desires to be acquainted withal.
PAGE
I warrant you, he’s the man should fight with him.
SLENDER
[Aside] O, sweet Anne Page!
SHALLOW
It appears so, by his weapons. Keep them asunder; here comes Doctor Caius.
[Enter HOST, CAIUS, and RUGBY.]
PAGE
Nay, good Master Parson, keep in your weapon.
SHALLOW
So do you, good Master Doctor.
HOST
Disarm them, and let them question; let them keep their limbs whole and hack our English.
CAIUS
I pray you, let-a me speak a word with your ear: verefore will you not meet-a me?
EVANS
[Aside to CAIUS] Pray you use your patience; in good time.
CAIUS
By gar, you are de coward, de Jack dog, John ape.
EVANS
[Aside to CAIUS] Pray you, let us not be laughing-stogs to other men’s humours; I desire you in friendship, and I will one way or other make you amends.
[Aloud] I will knog your urinals about your knave’s cogscomb for missing your meetings and appointments.
CAIUS
Diable! — Jack Rugby, — mine Host de Jarretiere, — have I not stay for him to kill him? Have I not, at de place I did appoint?
EVANS
As I am a Christians soul, now, look you, this is the place appointed. I’ll be judgment by mine host of the Garter.
HOST
Peace, I say, Gallia and Gaullia; French and Welsh, soul-curer and body-curer!
CAIUS
Ay, dat is very good; excellent!
HOST
Peace, I say! Hear mine host of the Garter. Am I politic? am I subtle? am I a Machiavel? Shall I lose my doctor? No; he gives me the potions and the motions. Shall I lose my parson, my priest, my Sir Hugh? No; he gives me the proverbs and the no-verbs. Give me thy hand, terrestrial; so; — give me thy hand, celestial; so. Boys of art, I have deceived you both; I have directed you to wrong places; your hearts are mighty, your skins are whole, and let burnt sack be the issue. Come, lay their swords to pawn. Follow me, lads of peace; follow, follow, follow.
SHALLOW
Trust me, a mad host! — Follow, gentlemen, follow.
SLENDER
[Aside] O, sweet Anne Page!
[Exeunt SHALLOW, SLENDER, PAGE, and HOST.]
CAIUS
Ha, do I perceive dat? Have you make-a de sot of us, ha, ha?
EVANS
This is well; he has made us his vlouting-stog. I desire you that we may be friends; and let us knog our prains together to be revenge on this same scall, scurvy, cogging companion, the host of the Garter.
CAIUS
By gar, with all my heart. He promise to bring me where is Anne Page; by gar, he deceive me too.
EVANS
Well, I will smite his noddles. Pray you follow.
[Exeunt.]
