Читать книгу Return to Love - Yasmin Sullivan - Страница 11

Chapter 3

Regina got up before the sun came up. The bed next to her was empty, but she had been wrapped in the top sheet and spread. Her body was still pleasantly tender from the activity of the night before, and she was glad to have some time to collect her thoughts before beginning her day. Even more so, she was glad to have time before facing Nigel again—time to figure out what to say, how to explain that things had gotten out of hand.

She knew she should have stopped him when he kissed her, but after the emotional roller coaster of the evening—the anger that he had come back again, the anguish over the fresh memory of the loss of their child, the unspeakable shame that she had lost it—after all of that, she needed those arms around her.

When she had looked in his face, she had finally seen someone who understood what having and then losing their child had meant to her. And for the first time, she had just let herself cry.

Someone could finally comprehend what she had been through, someone who felt the pain, as well. Maybe that was what had wrenched all of that turmoil to the top. Maybe that was what had made her vulnerable to his advances.

She should have stopped him when he ran his hand up and down her back, sending tingles through her, but right then, the wounds in her had finally found a place where they could be held, and she wasn’t willing to leave that shelter. She hadn’t been touched in so long. She hadn’t had a place to unburden the past. That’s what his hands did to her. They softened the rage; they caressed the hurt.

She should have stopped him when he carried her to her bedroom, but she hadn’t been touched with understanding in so long—the kind of understanding that made her needy and wanting. Yes, by then, she wanted it as much as he did.

She should have stopped him, but it had always been this way between them.

Regina kicked off the sheets and went into the bathroom to run a bath. It wasn’t her usual routine, but she had time, and it would help her calm down and think.

He was taller than he’d been before, but mostly, he was more in control, more able to take his time, more able to respond to her body rather than running along ahead of her. This made him a different lover than the one she had known.

Having him inside of her had felt just like the first time. He was slow and gentle. He filled her with his presence. At first, he had made long, slow thrusts, stroking the aches out of her and making her body arch off the bed. Then he had found her spots and made her eager, pushed her toward the edge.

He had kissed her tears, lulling her sadness away, consoling her heartbreak. But he had also run his thumbs over her breasts, lighting fire in her. Between the tenderness and the flame, she wasn’t sure which was most consuming, most arousing.

When he cupped her head in his palms and kissed her, the gentleness of his kiss had alleviated her anger and healed her bruises, but his chest moving along her breasts as he plunged inside of her made her wrap her legs around him and draw him farther inside.

“Reggie, Reggie, I’ve missed you so much,” he had murmured over and over.

His deep voice sent tingles down her back, and when he whispered it against her ear, her body had broken out in goose bumps, and an agonizing pressure built up at her center.

“Tell me what you need, baby,” he had said.

She couldn’t speak, and she just held on, clinging to his shoulders. She only needed.

Then he had moved his hand down between them and begun to massage her while he moved inside of her, making her moan, making her grind against him, tears streaming from the corners of her eyes. Then the first waves of climax hit her, and her body gripped his length. He groaned and thrust against her, but waited for her full release before burying his face next to hers and bucking inside of her as he rode his own wave of orgasm. When it was over, she had turned from him, and he had pulled her back against his chest, and they had slept spooned together that way.

Remembering the night sent arrows of heat through Regina’s body. She was letting the memory overwhelm her, when she needed to be figuring out what to do now and where they would go from here.

Only, there was no they, and one night of passion didn’t erase six years of frustration and hurt and loneliness. It didn’t bring back their child or make their wedding happen. It didn’t turn back time.

* * *

Nigel had woken up early, before dawn. He couldn’t get back to sleep, but he didn’t want to wake up Regina. He thought about it—round two—but decided he had better not. His day would have to start in a bit, and he wouldn’t be able to take his time.

He just held her for a while, smiling to himself because she was back in his arms. His happiness was tainted by the fact that their child had been lost. He still needed to deal with that, and he needed to help Regina deal with it, too. He could see how much she was still hurting, and how angry she was that he hadn’t been there. He could never make up for that, but he wanted to spend the rest of his life trying.

Nigel slipped out of bed just as the sun was about to come up. He washed up as best he could, dressed and went to look for something for them to eat. He didn’t know whether she had to be up early on a Monday or what time the studio opened, but he knew he would wake her before he left. This way, they could have breakfast together. They could start their day and their lives together, start healing.

He found her key on the counter next to her purse and drove down the street to see if any place was open. It turned out that he could have walked, because the café on the corner already had customers. He got them bagels with cream cheese, bacon and eggs, pancakes, orange juice and coffee—more than they could eat.

When he got back, he heard her running water in the bathroom but decided not to disturb her just yet. He found a fork and sat down to his breakfast, checking out her pieces on the walls and thinking about where each one could go when they had their own place.

Nigel caught himself imagining their life together and sighed. They had a lot of talking and healing and forgiving left to do, but he was eager to begin the journey.

* * *

Regina didn’t smell the bacon until she was almost finished getting dressed. Was he still there? She threw on some slacks and a top and peeked out of her bedroom.

He smiled at her from the dining table and began moving the packages he had brought the night before to clear a space for her to sit. His smile almost turned his face into the boyish one she had known before—almost. The cheeks plumped out the way they used to, but the rougher angles remained.

“I thought I smelled bacon...”

“Good morning, beautiful. You did.”

“...but I knew I didn’t have bacon in the house.”

“No, I ran down to the corner to get us something. I hope you’re hungry because I think I overdid it. Come sit.”

Before she could sit down, he pulled her onto his lap and into a long hug. He kissed her cheek and her forehead. He didn’t seem to notice that her body stiffened now at this touch. And before she could protest to the affection, he released her to the chair he had cleared.

She could tell that they weren’t on the same page about last night. She wasn’t ready to broach the issue, but she knew she had to.

“I thought you were gone,” she said.

He must have read that hesitance in her voice as concern or disappointment because he slid his hand under her chin to pull her face toward his. He caressed her cheek with his thumb and said, “No, no way. You must think I’m a rat.”

He let her face go and uncovered her plate and juice, smiling at her. “I know I have a lot to make up for, a lot to prove, but I won’t be running out ever again. I just went to get us some eats. I figured we needed it after last night, which was...amazing.”

Regina looked at the mound of food in front of her and tried to figure out how to get them on the same page.

“I got up early and didn’t want to wake you. I didn’t know what time you had to be up.”

“Early.”

“Then eat up.”

Regina heard the mirth in Nigel’s tone when he mentioned last night. She read the possessiveness in Nigel’s eyes when he looked at her. In contrast, she couldn’t even bring herself to eat. Tired of pushing the food around on the plate, she put the fork down and just looked at it, trying to find the right words.

He came around the table and knelt down next to her chair.

“Hey, what’s wrong, Reggie? I know there’s hurt, but we’ll face that together now.” He put his arms around her and pulled her toward his chest. Regina tensed, not responding to the embrace.

“Hey, what’s wrong?”

“I think we need to talk.”

Nigel scooted back onto his chair. He bent toward her and covered her hand with his own. “Okay. What’s going on?”

“Last night was...”

She saw his face drop, as if he could tell what was coming.

“...like it used to be between us.”

“But?”

“But it’s just what it was.”

“Which is?”

“Something we both needed.”

He let go of her hand and leaned back in his chair.

“That’s not all it was, Reggie. Don’t you know that?”

His voice was calm and sincere, but it had an edge that bordered on exasperation. His eyes pleaded with her to see it his way.

“That’s all it can be. I don’t even know you anymore.”

“But that’s what I want, Reggie—for us to spend the time getting to know one another again. You don’t have to make any decisions now. Just give it a chance.”

Regina got up and covered her plate before taking it to the fridge. She needed to be away from his eyes for a minute, to have something to do with her hands. His eyes followed her every move.

“No. We had a chance. I can’t go back there. Maybe I’m just finally getting over what happened back then.”

“Maybe I am, too. Maybe it’s something we can do together.”

She whirled around and looked right at him. “I can’t just forgive you for leaving and then for not being there when I needed you.”

He balled his fists and shook his head. They had finally gotten to the real issue.

“You told me to leave. You put me out. You can’t put me out and then hold it against me when I go. And you didn’t tell me about...the baby.”

“We were engaged. I needed you to be more serious about life, especially about our life together. You weren’t supposed to jump ship. You were supposed to grow up. You should have been there.”

“How can—”

“Stop. I’m not going to argue with you. And that’s all we can do now because we’re never going to agree on it.”

Regina got up from the table. This wasn’t going well. They were never going to see eye to eye. She disappeared into the bedroom and returned with a small, black jewelry case.

“Here.”

She handed him the case, and he opened it. It was his grandmother’s wedding ring.

“I’m sorry I didn’t have time to mail it.”

“It wasn’t just time. If it was that important, you would have mailed it. There’s a reason you didn’t make the time to do it.”

She considered his statement. Maybe it was true. Maybe she’d dawdled because part of her wanted to keep the past alive, to have a keepsake of it.

“Maybe I wasn’t ready to let it go. I am now.”

“I don’t want this back, Reggie. It was for you.”

“It belongs in your family, Nigel, not mine.”

Nigel shook his head. She knew he was fighting a losing battle over the past. Regina saw the disappointment in his face, but it had to be this way. She went back to the dining table and sat down, turning to look at him seriously.

“Now it really is over between us. There’s no reason we need to have contact again.”

“Reggie, this isn’t what I wanted to happen. I want us to have—”

He moved to touch her, but she pulled away. His touches made her stop thinking straight, and right now, she needed all of her faculties.

“I know this seems crazy after...last night.”

“Last night was something special. Don’t throw it away.”

“I...I’d just been holding so much in for so long. I guess it all came out. I didn’t mean for that to happen. I didn’t know it would happen. I shouldn’t have let it happen.”

“It was meant to happen. It’s always been that way between us.”

She shook her head and picked up the check from last night, which was still on the table.

“And this.” She ripped it up like she had the other one. “I’m doing fine on my own, and there is no...child...that you need to care for.”

It was ending, really ending, and her heart had grown heavy with the reality of it, as heavy as the look on Nigel’s face.

She took a teddy bear out of one of the bags on the seat next to hers. It had on a baseball jersey and a cap and had a bat sewn to its hands. It brought tears to her eyes, but she didn’t let them fall.

“Reggie, we’re not meant to end.”

“We ended a long time ago. Over six years ago.”

She turned the teddy bear around in her hand and found a string to pull to make it talk. She fingered the string but didn’t pull it.

“Do you know anyone you can give these to?”

Nigel took a deep breath and looked at the bear in her hands, seeming to feel the same wistfulness she did.

“I have little cousins.”

“Good.”

She shook her head. There was one more thing that she wanted to say.

“Nigel, I’m sorry...it has to end this way.”

But that wasn’t what was on her mind. It wasn’t what was in her heart. She was thinking about having lost their child, but she had no way to speak her shame.

“It shouldn’t end this way. It doesn’t have to.”

“Yes, it does.”

* * *

Nigel carried his packages back down to his car with a heavy heart. He’d almost had it all back, but now he didn’t have any of it. He could have spent all day trying to convince her to give them a chance, but until she could forgive him, he knew that no effort on his part would make a difference.

He opened his trunk and put in the packages. There was no need to keep them now. There was no boy, no girl.

He would have taken the day off if she had been willing to spend it with him. Now he had an hour to get to his place, shower, shave, change clothes and get to the office. Fine.

He’d gone from ecstasy to despair in less than twenty-four hours, and now she had simply shut him down. But he wasn’t going out like that. He had worked too hard to get this far. He would have to bide his time until he could come up with a new point of entry, a new way to get her to soften her heart to him. It still wasn’t over, not yet.