Читать книгу From Humbug To Holiday Bride - Zena Valentine - Страница 8

Hamish Chandler had never felt quite so helpless. Or useless.

The young woman lay on the cranked-up hospital bed, its top slightly elevated, her dark hair matted, her tanned skin contrasting sharply with the shades and textures of white that engulfed her. “She is, uh, was, a photojournalist,” Mrs. Billings had said. “She rides horses, plays golf and tennis very well. And she skis.” And then Mrs. Billings had blushed slightly and added, “I think she breaks a lot of hearts, too, that girl.”

He couldn’t see that the young woman before him was anything like a heartbreaker, not with the bruises and scratch marks covering half of her face. She wasn’t skinny, probably because of her athletic ability. Even after three weeks in a hospital bed, there was substance to what he could see of her.

She was sleeping, and he felt a voyeuristic awkwardness in staring at her, yet he was unwilling to awaken her. The shape she was in, he thought, sleep must be a blessed escape.

“Please, please, see what you can do,” Mrs. Billings had pleaded with glistening eyes the day before. “I don’t think she’s much for religion, but maybe, after coming so close to dying, maybe…”

He could see the young woman had probably come close to dying if she was still in bad shape after three weeks of recovery. She lay so motionless, her limbs slack, her graceful, long-fingered hand resting palm up with her fingers curled on the pillow next to her head. He sank into the chair alongside the bed, filled with an odd longing to comfort her and take away the pain.

Visiting patients in the hospital was a regular part of his job, and he liked it because for the most part the people he visited seemed so pleased that he was there. Visiting her, however, had little to do with his job. He had come because Mrs. Billings had been so emotional. And insistent. “How do you know her?” he had asked his graying housekeeper. Over the years, Mrs. B had become more than a housekeeper. She had seen him through crises, sadness and death, and now she helped raise his daughters. She’d told him that B. J. Dolliver, the woman lying wounded in the hospital bed, had been a college classmate of her niece, Deborah.

“I knew all about her, even if I only saw her a few times when Deb brought her home for holidays. I feel, though, as if I know her well,” she’d added sadly. “It’s been easy to keep track of her since she left college.”

B. J. Dolliver, it seemed from tabloid reports, had at age twenty-seven collected nearly as many photographic awards as she had men. “She was really something,” Mrs. B had said. “When she was with us during vacations, Deb said there was never a dull moment with B.J. around.”

Their former close friendship, however, had not been enough for Deb to gain entry to B.J.’s room to offer comfort.

“Deborah’s a nurse and works in the hospital,” Mrs. B had said, “but B.J. won’t see anyone. Not even her own family. Her mother is dead, but her father lives on the West Coast. Deb thinks B.J. hasn’t told him.” Mrs. B’s eyes had been narrowed with concern. “Deb thinks because B.J.’s face was badly damaged, she doesn’t want anyone to see her. Deb could have just walked into her room anyway, but knowing B.J., she decided to respect her privacy.”

Mrs. B had described B. J. Dolliver’s brush with death after she drove her German sports car over a cliff, and the injuries that her orthopedic surgeon said would prevent her from ever walking again under her own power. “She’s spittin’ mad. Deb said the nurses don’t like to be near her.”

“I shouldn’t wonder,” Hamish had concurred, then finally asked, “Exactly why do you want me to see her?”

There was a searching hesitation before Mrs. Billings had answered on a long, drawn-out breath. “Because when she finds out she’s never going to walk again, she’ll just go out and finish the job. Deb says B. J. Dolliver can’t live without the full use of her body.” She expelled the words as though the sentence would die unfinished if she stopped to breathe. Her last few words came out choked. “Frankly, I’ve always had a soft spot for B.J. She seemed to be so, well, so…alone.”

B. J. Dolliver’s parents divorced when she was a small child, and her mother died shortly afterward, Mrs. B had explained. B.J. was raised by her father, Patrick Dolliver, the owner of a country-wide, sports equipment franchise.

“She spent her young life trying to prove to that man that she’s as good as any of his jock heroes,” Mrs. B had scoffed. “And a lot he ever cared….”

So the Reverend Hamish Chandler, pastor of Trinity Union Church in Kolstad, Minnesota, familiarly known as simply the Kolstad Church, let his concentration fall once again to the woman lying on the bed. He wondered why this particular assignment had been put in his path, especially now, especially today, when the second anniversary of his beloved wife’s death had just passed.

He sat in uncomfortable silence, unable to look away from the battered body of the sleeping woman.

“Spinal injuries,” Mrs. Billings had said, obviously quoting from Deborah, the nurse. “Pelvis broken into pieces, too many to put ‘em all back together. Broken right shoulder, smashed right arm, facial lacerations.”

He saw the lacerations, the tiny scar on her cheek, the healing scrapes on her neck. Then he looked at her left arm, the good one resting above the covers with the fingers curled over her palm. He saw where stitches had been removed and where myriad small cuts had been left to mend without stitches.

His gaze roamed to the clear collapsing sack attached to the back of her right wrist, and the small trapeze suspended a foot above her chest. As a photojournalist, she had naturally been a physically active young woman with two strong legs and arms and the agility to climb and jump carrying the equipment of her profession. It was nearly impossible to envision her as Mrs. B had described, running and confident, capturing the world and its people through her lens.

He clasped his hands together between his spread knees and felt sadness overwhelm him for a vibrant life nearly destroyed. Nearly. But not completely, for she still lived, and was recovering.

He had seen worse, of course, during his violent life as a teen. Much worse. Before he was fifteen, he had come to accept that people were wounded, maimed and killed during the course of the fight for survival. Thank God that life was in the dark past, forever behind him.

What would he say to her? What was there to say? He didn’t have a clue what he was meant to do here, and yet he’d been sent, so there must be a purpose.

A flash of pink caught his eye and he turned to see a nurse slip quietly through the door, a pale pink sweater draped over her shoulders. She smiled at him and lifted the woman’s limp left wrist to take a pulse.

Her patient’s eyes suddenly flew open, staring in fear and confusion. Her body twitched once, and then again more violently, and Hamish heard a soft “No!” escape her lips before her eyes pinched shut in a harsh grimace. Her body arched, and she quivered in the grip of a suffering he could not fathom.

He saw the nurse’s hand rest gently on the patient’s abdomen, and she whispered something, while her other hand gestured in jerking movements for him to leave the room. He slipped out the door just as the woman’s groan broke into an eerie deep-throated howl that sent needles up his back. It was a lament of pain so deep he felt it had been wrenched from her very soul, and he found himself leaning helplessly against the wall outside her room until it subsided into soft gasps and moans.

The nurse rushed past him a few moments later. “Spasm,” she muttered.

Hamish stepped back into the room and moved to the side of her bed where she lay, face beaded with sweat, eyes glistening, her breathing ragged. “What can I do?” he asked.

“Go away,” she rasped, her voice hoarse and whispery. She closed her eyes to reject him, and he saw that she was forcing herself to breathe deeply and slowly. He saw the pulse in her neck slamming rapidly under her skin.

He took the wet washcloth from the stand alongside her pillow and held it under hot water from the goosenecked faucet Then he squeezed it out and laid it across her forehead. He felt rather than heard her sharp intake of breath when the cloth touched her skin. He felt her relax a little, then he used the warm, wet cloth to daub at her face.

“You new here?” she asked in the same hoarse whisper, her dazed hazel-green eyes fixing on him with an effort.

“Sort of,” he replied, giving her a weak grin.

“Lay it over my face. It feels good,” she whispered.

He did, as gently as he could. After a few seconds, the pulse in her neck began to slow, and her left hand came up and took the washcloth away. She flopped her hand backward and let the cloth drop so that Hamish had to jump to catch it before it hit the floor.

“Where’s your uniform?” she rasped.

He grinned, then watched her raise her left hand and fumble to reach the little trapeze overhead. “I’m not a doctor,” he said before reaching up to adjust the apparatus lower so she could reach it.

“Then go away,” she ordered, and turned her head away.

But when he looked down moments later, she was staring at him with barely suppressed rage and wariness. He looked away from her face. Why shouldn’t she be wary, lying helpless for three weeks flat on her back and knowing nothing would ever be the same? And he was a stranger to her.

“My name is Hamish Chandler. Deborah Billings’s aunt asked me to see you,” he said as he made a final adjustment to the trapeze. “Is that better?” He gave the apparatus a yank.

She frowned at him, then raised her left hand and gripped the bar. Her lips turned up at the corners, more of a sneer than a smile, but the change was encouraging nonetheless. She was a fighter all right, Hamish thought.

“You ought to be one,” she whispered.

He dug his hands into his pockets. “One what?”

“Doctor.”

“Yes, I appreciate your keen observation. It took a great deal of skill to do that properly.”

She didn’t acknowledge his attempt at humor. “And the cloth. Do it again,” she rasped.

He swished the cloth under the hot water and twisted out the excess moisture. This time he placed it in her left hand, and she flopped it over her face, slowly patting it over her features in circular motions, avoiding the small jagged scar on the right side. After it had cooled, she once again flopped it over the edge of the bed for him to catch if he could. He interrupted its fall and laid it on the stand close to her pillow. “More?” he asked.

“Got a mirror?” she asked, still whispering.

“Afraid not.”

“Look around. In the drawers over there.”

“Why?”

“Just do it.”

“Why?”

“Damn you.” She pressed her eyes closed for a few seconds. When she opened them again, they were blazing with frustration. “I want to see.”

“Why?”

“Why do you think?” she whispered.

“You’ve been here three weeks, and I gather they haven’t let you see yourself. I don’t have the authority to countermand those orders, Miss Dolliver.”

She grimaced. “Who in the hell are you anyway? If Deborah sent you, you’re supposed to be cheering me up.” The words were spat with all the force it took her to get them out. Then she reached again for the bar above her, gripped it, then let it go.

“Deborah didn’t send me,” he said. “Her aunt asked me to stop by and see you.” He wondered whether he should explain who he was. He decided to go with full disclosure. “I’m pastor of the Kolstad Church.”

She muttered an expletive that he ignored. “I suppose you’re going to pray over me,” she jeered.

“I suppose I will.”

She reached for the bar again and gripped it until her knuckles were white, then released it, lowering her hand to her side. Her eyes were as hard as cold iron, but he saw something else barely detectable lurking there. It was fear.

She swallowed hard and winced. “So, why did Deborah’s aunt send you? If she did.” Her skepticism was as heavily evident as the dripping sarcasm. She closed her lids momentarily, then lifted them half-mast. “I remember Deb’s aunt,” she whispered affectionately.

“She’s my housekeeper, and she’s quite fond of you. Apparently, your friendship with her niece was significant to them both when you were in college.”

“Deb works here. She could visit anytime. But she’s a friend. She respects my privacy,” she whispered pointedly. “I don’t want visitors.”

He paused, letting the hospital noises from the hallway fill the space. “I know,” he said finally.

She glared at him. But he saw her struggling to be fierce, and he sensed something softer behind it all. She seemed hardly able to hold her eyes open.

“No visitors,” she rasped again. “Deborah knows that.”

“They care about you,” he said.

“Oh, damn,” she cursed softly, her eyes closing in a grimace.

He thought for a moment it was another spasm coming on and was about to bolt for the nurses’ desk. Then he realized she was distressed by something else. Once again he found himself the object of those eyes the color of fall grass.

“Why you?” she demanded.

He frowned, wondering why she was upset. What was she reading into his visit? While he wondered, she came to her own worst conclusion.

“What are they trying to tell me, sending a minister? Am I going to die? After all this, am I dying anyway?” He was struck by her bitterness.

“Of course not,” he said. “You’re getting better.” He wondered suddenly how the conversation had become so complex. “I think your doctor would have told you about your condition.”

“He says I’m…oh, what he really meant was I’m…crippled!” Hamish could barely hear the last word. He felt her horror and leaned forward to take her left hand in his. It was small and soft, cool and clammy.

“I don’t know your official prognosis,” he said as gently as he could, watching a large tear slowly squeeze out from under long, dark lashes and make its way toward her ear. “Please don’t read more into my visit than is intended.”

“Then why are you here?” she demanded.

He rubbed her small hand in his large one and looked at the many small cuts and scratches that were now healing. She didn’t pull her hand away, and he was strangely pleased by that, as if he needed the comfort of holding her hand as much as she might need his comfort in doing so.

“Ah, dear lady,” he said. “I’m not sure. Yet.”

He watched her lids fly open, sharp curiosity in her gaze. She was studying his face, her lips twitching with words she apparently wanted to say but was holding back.

“I know it sounds crazy,” he said. “But I’m not even sure why I’m here except that I was touched by Mrs. Billings’s concern for you.”

“Touched,” she scoffed. “Yeah, sure. Touched.”

She let him keep her hand, and the action took the sting out of her words, as if her mouth had spoken and the rest of her denied what it had said.

Hamish identified with the bitterness and sarcasm he heard. It had been many years, but he remembered when he had greeted every stranger with contempt and mistrust, ready to fight against any real or imagined threat to his survival. That was life on the streets, every man for himself, trusting no one. Ever. Remembering how it had been then, he inhaled deeply and smiled a sad smile.

What, he wondered, could have brought her to such bitterness when she had so much in her life—luxury, adventure, success? Her bone-chilling resentment was coming from some place deeper than he could see.

“Are you here to convince me my recovery is hopeless?” she demanded in a hoarse whisper.

“No, I haven’t heard your medical prognosis,” he said again.

“Yeah, sure,” she said, and pulled her hand away, reaching once again for the bar above her. He found it distracting the way she kept playing with the bar, gripping it, letting it go. But then, it was her only exercise as far as he could see. Nothing else moved. Only her left arm and hand. Her body twitched slightly. She paled and whispered, “Oh, God,” then quickly inhaled slow, deep breaths.

The nurse in the pink sweater slipped quietly into the room and lost no time in giving B.J. an injection in her left arm. “There,” she said, pulling down the wrinkled cotton sleeve that draped to B.J.’s elbow. “Hopefully that will keep those nasty spasms away. Just in the nick of time, too, I see.” She looked up at Hamish and smiled. “Are you a relative?”

Now that was a good question, he thought, and he struggled with an answer. “Friend” sounded false and patronizing, and “acquaintance” was too contrived. So he said simply, “I’m a pastor,” even though he was in a way pulling rank. He knew they hardly ever evicted pastors, even at the request of patients.

B.J. said nothing, but hardly seemed aware of him as she drew in an unsteady breath. Then she gripped his right hand and held it against her chest where he could feel the fast thumping of her heart and the stark tension in her body despite her recent dosage of medication. Her clasp was surprisingly strong, but clearly she was desperate and in acute emotional distress.

He waited a few minutes while the medication took effect. He studied the delicate bone structure of her stubborn chin and felt a twitch in his chest.

She opened her eyes. “He’s wrong,” she whispered finally. “I’m going to do it. I’m going to walk. And I’m going to run. I’ll show them they’re wrong.”

She was a fighter, and he was deeply grateful that she hadn’t wanted to give up and die as her friend Deborah feared, but was determined to make herself whole again. Maybe she could do it. Maybe she could make a liar out of her physician. He willed with all his heart and spirit that she was right.

He felt her frustration and her anger. And her defiance.

He also felt the softness of her breasts beneath the back of his hand as she clutched it hard against her. It was an unconscious gesture on her part, he knew, a matter of hanging on to whatever support was available, of gleaning strength and some tiny measure of comfort from the only source offered.

Still, it had been a long time since he’d felt the softness of a woman’s body, and for a fleeting moment Hamish was aware that he missed the intimacy, and he thought perhaps it was time to open himself to the possibility of finding another wife. In recent months, there had certainly been enough hints from his friends in the congregation that he should be thinking of remarriage.

He would only marry for love, though, in spite of his circumstances, and he dreaded the thought of all the rituals and uncertainties involved in meeting and dating. He still couldn’t imagine being married to anyone but Maralynn, although she had been dead for two years now, and their daughters seemed barely to remember her.

His attention was stirred by the woman on the bed when she released his hand, and reached up to grip the bar. He thought that she was going to try to pull herself up as muscles flexed in her arm, but she abruptly lowered her hand again.

“You can go now,” she announced in her husky whisper, looking up at the ceiling.

“I thought you’d say that,” Hamish replied, letting his elbows rest on his thighs so his hands hung between his knees.

“Your job is done here.”

“You think so?” he asked mildly.

She studied him with eyes narrowed in wariness. “Definitely.”

He couldn’t leave. Nor could he explain the curious compulsion to linger where he wasn’t welcome. “I think I’ll stay awhile.”

“I don’t want visitors.”

“I know.”

Not only wasn’t he inclined to leave, but he actually felt comfortable sitting with this intriguing shrew of a woman.

“I’ll have you removed,” she said.

“Go ahead.”

But she didn’t.

“I don’t know you.” She was frowning now, her eyelids heavy with fatigue.

“That’s changing, though, isn’t it? Even as unpleasant as you are,” he quipped.

“Rude, Preacher. The word is rude,” she corrected, still studying him. “Doesn’t seem to work on you, does it?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say that,” he replied, grinning. “If you want me to be impressed that life has been unfair to you, I am. If you want me to pray for your recovery, well, know that I will. If you want to be sure that I know how bitter you are, then rest assured you have persuaded me easily enough.”

She shook her head slightly and almost returned his grin. “You sure you’re a holy man?”

“I don’t think of myself as a holy man and I don’t recall the term in my job description,” he said. “I’m just a man who happens to be employed as a pastor.”

“Where’s your collar?”

“In our church, a pastor isn’t required to wear a collar except during services,” he explained. “They all know who I am, that I serve them, that they hired me and can fire me. There are some in my congregation, in fact, who think I should be replaced.”

She was quiet for several seconds, then asked, “Why?”

“I’m a bargain turned sour,” he said lightly. He certainly hadn’t intended to talk about himself, but he saw that she was interested and thought maybe it wouldn’t hurt to draw attention away from herself for a while.

“What does that mean?” she asked.

“They hired my wife and me as a team. Two for the price of one, so to speak. Then we had two children, Emma and Annie, and Maralynn wasn’t able to spend as much time as she originally did on church matters. Soon after, she became ill with a serious heart condition, and we required a housekeeper to help out at an additional expense. Maralynn died two years ago, and now there is only one of us to serve the congregation.” He smiled to encourage the skepticism on her face. “Most of the congregation accepts the circumstances and seems inclined to let things ride, so, you see, I’m not in imminent danger of being discharged.”

“Sorry about your wife,” she said. “But you’re pulling my leg about the rest.”

He laughed without mirth at her directness. “It’s a business proposition, hiring a pastor,” he resumed. “They hired me under advantageous circumstances that are no longer advantageous for them. Why shouldn’t they be concerned that they’re paying for more than they’re getting? They would have a better bargain by replacing me with a married couple.”

“What would you do if that happens?”

“Find another position most likely,” he replied.

“Is that difficult?”

“I don’t know. This is my first position as pastor and I’ve had it for six years. I have no idea what the job market is like.”

“Why aren’t you investigating it? You should prepare for your future.” Her whispery voice was fading.

“If it comes to that, then I will,” he said, shrugging. It wasn’t that he wanted to downplay Maralynn’s tragic death or the vague element of truth in his declaration about his job security. Both were serious issues that affected his and his family’s lives. Still, he had learned to live without Maralynn, and he knew most people in his congregation appreciated him. Hadn’t the board hired him a part-time assistant when Annie was born? And hadn’t they elected to keep Medford Bantz on staff? He could afford to shrug off her concern, although, oddly, it touched him.

“You have one other option,” she said.

“Oh?”

“Get another wife.”

“Marry again? Funny…I’ve been thinking along those same lines.”

“Well, that should be easy for you…what’s your name again?”

Hamish had to remind himself that humility was a virtue. “Hamish Chandler,” he replied.

“Hmm, that’s no name for a pastor.” While he tried to think of how to reply, she continued. “You’re a regular guy, Hamish. You’re the first regular-guy holy man I ever met,” she said, her eyes flickering with what he recognized as fatigue. “But don’t come back, okay? I don’t want any visitors,” she added, barely audible, her eyes closed. “And I don’t tolerate praying.”

Before he realized what he was doing, he had clasped his big hand over her small one and squeezed. “We’ll see,” he said. “Maybe I won’t be able to stay away. I’ve always enjoyed a good time.”

He left his card with his home phone number written in pen and only later asked himself why. Obviously, she would simply discard it.

Hamish was barely out of the car when his two girls came flying across the lawn and threw themselves against him, six-year-old Emma hitting him first because she was older and had longer legs, three-year-old Annie close behind, both of them pressing their faces to his middle and holding on with small arms and dirty hands.

Emma was the first to pull away, her brown hair a windblown frizz of tangles, her thin, delicate face sweetly marred by smudges, her deep brown eyes wide with excitement. “We caught a frog and we’re keeping him,” she declared. He laughed at the importance of her announcement, for she had been trying all summer to gather the courage to pick one up and bring it to the punctured coffee tin that waited on the back porch.

“I fell off the swing,” Annie said, her straight strawberry blond hair framing a round face and dimpled cheeks, her blue eyes demure and shy, too big for her face, but balanced by a wide mouth. Already she was on her way to becoming a beauty.

“Did it hurt?” he asked.

She nodded in serious warning, then asked, “Where were you?”

“I went to visit a lady in the hospital.”

“Is she going to die?” Emma asked.

“No, she’s getting better, but she’s been badly injured and she may never be able to walk again,” he told them.

Emma’s eyes were wide. “Will she have to stay in bed forever?”

“No,” he said, grinning. “She’ll have a chair with wheels and she can probably walk with crutches. Do you know what crutches are?”

“Jimmy Crowton had crutches. He’s in second grade,” Emma said.

He picked them up, one in each arm, and walked to the house. Annie reached down to open the door, and then he set them down in the big old back porch enclosed by windows, and they walked into the large, square farm kitchen where Mrs. Billings was cooking dinner.

He liked the smell of roasting meat and the slight tang of gas from the old range. He overlooked the worn vinyl on the floor and the chips in the porcelain of the stove, just as he ignored the rusty patterns stained into the bottom of the wall-hung sink and the dulled old faucets that leaked in spite of his efforts to replace worn gaskets and ancient stems.

The kitchen was immaculate and it was home, and he was lucky to have it And Mrs. Billings, who had happily made herself part of his family after her husband died four years ago. “How did it go?” she asked him, and he raised his eyebrows in mock exasperation, wondering how much she actually knew about B. J. Dolliver’s harsh, combative personality.

“I wasn’t welcome,” he said.

Mrs. B pursed her lips and folded her arms defiantly over her ample middle as if he had just threatened one of her own. “Will she be all right?”

“Possibly,” he replied, washing his hands in the sink. “She won’t be able to walk, though.”

“Not ever?” Mrs. Billings blanched and dropped her pot holder on the floor.

“Not ever,” he said as he retrieved the pot holder.

“Oh, dear. Oh, dear.” Her eyes watered, and she patted them with her apron as she sank onto a kitchen chair. He watched her closely, surprised at the extent of her grief over someone she had never known well and hadn’t seen for several years. “She’s such a lovely young woman, and so very kind. I’ve admired her so very much. Such a tragedy, isn’t it? Such a terrible tragedy.”

“Yes, it is,” he murmured, putting a hand on her shoulder, astonished that he should be offering her comfort because of the Dolliver woman who was hard as nails and angry as a cornered bobcat.

She made a quick swipe over her wrinkled cheeks.

“It seems as if you and I are talking about two different people,” he mused.

“Well, I know she can be very tough and outspoken. After all, she had a very bad childhood,” she snapped, then softened again. “No mother. A father who wanted a son and never had time for her.” Mrs. Billings patted her eyes again. “I remember enjoying how spunky she was, and I wanted my own niece to be like that. You know, able to take care of herself and give back as good as she got. B. J. Dolliver is a heroine for a lot of young women, Pastor, in spite of growing up unwanted. I don’t know whatever she’ll do with herself now. What a terrible tragedy. What a terrible thing to happen.”

“Why are you crying, Mrs. Billings?” Emma questioned, her eyes filled with concern.

“The lady I visited today,” Hamish explained. “Mrs. Billings knows her and is sad.”

Emma turned to the housekeeper. “But Daddy said she’s going to get well,” she assured Mrs. Billings, patting her on the knee. “She’s going to have crutches to help her walk around.”

“Yes,” Mrs. Billings said, sniffing. “Crippled for life, that wonderful, vital young woman.”

Emma looked up at her father for an answer, but he had none to give. He hadn’t quite thought of the young woman in the hospital bed as a heroine. Certainly not a role model. In fact, he wasn’t aware that he had ever heard of her before Mrs. B had asked him to visit. He didn’t even know her first name. All he knew was that people called her by her initials, and she apparently had quite a following, which came as a surprise to him because she seemed so alone in her hospital room, refusing visitors and keeping the truth from her own father.

“She isn’t going to die, is she, Daddy?” Emma quizzed, wanting reassurance, obviously stricken with the sense of doom she heard in Mrs. Billings’s voice.

But Mrs. Billings answered for him. “She might not like living anymore,” she said, returning to the stove.

“Why?” Emma looked to her father, and he put his hand gently on the top of her head.

He dropped to his haunches to explain, although he was having a little trouble with it himself. “This woman, B. J. Dolliver, was very active and traveled around the world taking photographs, running after big stories to be printed in newspapers and magazines. An now, well, she won’t be able to do any of those things when she has to walk with crutches, and Mrs. Billings means that, for B. J. Dolliver, not being able to do all the things she loves to do is very sad. Maybe.”

“But there’s lots of things she can still do, isn’t there?” Emma questioned. “She can still see and hear, can’t she? And read books? And watch television and walk around with crutches? And she could swing on a swing if she wanted to, couldn’t she? And go down a slide and ride on a merry-go-round? If she wanted to?”

“Yes, she could, if she wanted to. But maybe she isn’t interested in those things.”

“But maybe if she tried them, she might like them, and then she would be happy, wouldn’t she?”

He ruffled her hair. “You’re very wise, Emma, and I’m proud of you. Maybe someday you’ll get to meet B. J. Dolliver and you can tell her how great it is to be alive.”

It was a casual statement to appease the curiosity of a child, and he couldn’t begin to think that what he said was in any way applicable to the reality of the situation. It was obvious B. J. Dolliver wasn’t even thinking of dying. She was going to tangle aggressively with fate and challenge providence. She had sounded determined to battle with her own body to force it to do what the medical profession said it would never again be able to do.

Obviously, she was not making it easy for the hospital staff, including her own physician. She had locked herself into a self-imposed capsule, holding everyone else away and struggling with desperate ineffectiveness to make liars of her doctors.

He wondered what B. J. Dolliver was going to do when she discovered that the medical profession knew better than she did, and that she would never walk again without crutches, and that she damned well would never run again or wield a tennis racket or chase down a combat soldier to get his picture. He wondered how she was going to take that, accept defeat and the hopelessness of her future as she envisioned it.

Alone. Facing it alone.

As he sat down to dinner, B. J. Dolliver filled his thoughts, and he discovered with just a minimum of soul-searching that he wanted to be there when she finally fell. He wanted to be there to catch her and hold her and tell her there were still things to live for.