Читать книгу Summer Beach Reads - Natalie Anderson - Страница 21
ОглавлениеRUBEN’S head ached really badly. So did the rest of him. He was alone—just as he’d always believed he wanted. And, hell, he’d been wrong.
Sure there were people he could call. All those names in his contacts file—he could get any one of his ‘friends’ and they’d be there in a flash. But what would they do? Sit and talk sport or weather or politics? Not one of them really knew him—and he didn’t really know them. He’d kept a certain distance so well it was second nature. And now he realised how alone it had made him.
Because there was one person who’d slipped through those barriers. One person he ached to see. One person whose comfort he wanted. Someone whose arms he wanted around him—someone he wanted to confide every last little thing to. Someone he’d been trying to contact for the last three days.
She didn’t answer her phone. He rang five, ten, fifty times and every call went to the answer service. He tried ringing from a land-line so she wouldn’t recognise the number. Still she didn’t take the call.
So now he knew the reality of this new life. Accident or not, this would have happened anyway. He’d have finished that text and sent it, so the result would have been the same. She’d have been avoiding him. There’d be no contact.
And accident or not, he’d still be this bruised. Yeah, it wasn’t those real cuts and bruises bleeding him, but that damn muscle in his chest. The injury that he had sole responsibility for and that radiated agony throughout the rest of him.
He was an idiot. A powerless idiot. Stuck in a hospital bed with an IV needle deep in his arm and cracked ribs that meant an airline wouldn’t take him onboard. Not as far as Australia, so he couldn’t escape as he’d planned to. But he couldn’t escape anyway, aeroplane policy or not. He wanted to take it all back and start again. And while he might not be able to get on a plane, he could get into a campervan with a driver. He’d lie down most of the way, but he wasn’t living through another day without trying to make things right. He’d been acting the coward too long as it was.
* * *
Ellie had a new phone—a very cute new smart phone that she could download a zillion apps on. She was just deciding which music to set as her ringtone when it rang with a real call. She didn’t recognise the number. ‘Hello?’
‘Are you through punishing me?’ he asked bluntly. ‘Are you ready to talk to me yet?’
All kinds of emotions tumbled through Ellie. For a moment she couldn’t cope with the spike in adrenalin that boosted the performance of every vital organ. ‘I’ve been busy,’ she finally breathed.
‘This is how you treat your friends? Why have you been ignoring my calls?’
‘I haven’t been. I lost my phone.’ Okay, so she’d thrown it in Wellington harbour. Not the most adult thing to have done but, hey, she’d got glum in the wee small hours after the chaotic clubbing scene of the awards after party.
‘Good of you to give me your new number.’
How he’d managed to get it she didn’t know.
He sighed. ‘Can you just be mad with me, please? Just yell or something.’
She sat in a ball on the floor because her legs wouldn’t work any more. ‘There’s nothing to yell about, Ruben. I’m fine.’
‘Really?’
‘Sure,’ she said, pride surging. ‘I’m not in some kind of decline just because you didn’t turn up when you said you would. I had a really good night actually—it was quite a party.’
‘I saw the photos on the company’s Facebook page. I saw some others from the last tour too.’
‘Yeah,’ she reminisced with a fake smile that she hoped would sound real down the phone. ‘They were a bit of a wild bunch.’
‘And you had a good time with them.’
‘It’s my job to help them have a good time.’
‘More Scotsmen.’
‘What can I say? I seem to attract them.’
In one of those pictures she’d been wearing a Scottish flag and very little else. They’d had a toga party. It had been fun. There’d been bare-chested men in kilts. Nothing had happened with any of them, of course, but just the flirtation had made her feel better, right? She’d been popular. No matter that it was only temporary—for the two-day tour duration. She knew how to please people. But she’d once told Ruben that she didn’t feel as if she had to please him. She wasn’t going to please him now. She drew in a breath, dug up that deep resolve. ‘You know this “let’s be friends” deal?’
‘Uh-huh.’
‘It’s not working for me.’
‘Why not?’
‘Well.’ She screwed her eyes closed as she went for brutal honesty. ‘I’m not going to meet anyone else when I’m still being “friends” with you.’ She held her breath, heard his whistle in.
‘You really want to meet someone else?’
‘I think that would be the best thing for me, yeah.’ Her toes curled and her skin goosebumped in revulsion at the thought of it. But it was the best thing. Ruben didn’t want her beyond an occasional bed buddy and she didn’t want to be mooning over him for the next millennia. She had to be kind to herself and cruel at the same time, because sending him away was hard.
‘You’re not even going to say this to my face?’
‘Nope. I’m doing it over the phone. You’re lucky it wasn’t a text. It nearly was.’ His mere presence was enough to tempt her. One smile enough to keep her hope afloat for weeks. She wanted to fall out of love with him. The cold turkey approach was the only way that could possibly work.
‘Is this because I missed the show?’
‘Oh, wow, you think?’ Yeah, she’d just lost her grip on cool and capable.
‘Ellie—’
‘You don’t have to explain it. I understand. You don’t care for me.’
Silence. Then he got snappy right back at her. ‘Our “friendship” isn’t a one-way street, Ellie. You haven’t been the best of friends to me either, you know.’
Well, that wasn’t fair. But she was too hurt to argue. The last thing she wanted to face was the fact that she loved his calls, loved hearing his tales. She got more than he did from this and she wanted more still. ‘I don’t think we were ever truly friends, Ruben. I think all those movies are right—men and women can’t do platonic friendship. Let’s call it a day, okay?’
She jabbed the end-call button, furiously blinking back the sting of rejection.
Someone instantly started hammering down her front door. She swiped the trickles from her cheeks and stormed the stairs. The door was rattling in the frame. She yanked it open. ‘You were outside all this time?’
‘I’ve had enough of the phone call rubbish.’ He barged in, plucking her phone from her hand as he pushed past and flinging it across the room. His went with it.
Stunned, she watched them smash on the floor. ‘You’ve probably broken both of them!’
‘Good. So we’re forced to speak face to face.’
She turned back and stared at him. For the second time that night her knees went completely weak. ‘What the hell happened?’
‘Car crash.’
Her lungs then failed too. ‘You’re kidding,’ she wheezed.
‘No. On the way to the airport the night of your awards.’
That was why he hadn’t turned up? That was four days ago. ‘And you’re still this bruised?’ He looked awful. Not even the jeans and the favourite ‘Lucky’ shirt could lift his near death-mask look. ‘Why didn’t you try to get in touch with me?’ She was so shocked she shouted.
‘When I regained consciousness the next day I did try. Just went to your answerphone.’
Oh, now she felt terrible. He’d had an accident—a horrible accident that could have been so much worse. And she hadn’t been there for him. He’d been alone and abandoned again. That just broke her heart. But how was she to have known if he didn’t tell her?
Ruben had decided on the trip down that he was going to fight hard—and dirty. No matter how, he was winning this woman.
‘Friends are supposed to look out for each other,’ he snapped, belligerent. Mad with himself as much as he was with her. ‘Why didn’t you call me to see where I was?’
‘I sent you a text,’ she snapped, equally defensive.
‘One.’ His hurt spilled. ‘You never followed up. You never called that night or the next day. If we were such great friends how could you walk away so easily?’ He breathed in and it hurt. Every breath hurt.
‘So this is my fault?’
It was all her fault. ‘You didn’t care about me enough to wonder where I was or whether I was okay.’
She paled; her blue eyes weren’t sparkling, but glistening. ‘It never occurred to me you might not be okay.’
‘No, you just thought the worst of me. That I’d let you down.’ He breathed in hard and honesty—responsibility—slammed into him. Because he knew exactly why she’d not followed up with her call—she’d been afraid, yet certain, of his rejection. ‘And you were right, that’s exactly what I’d decided to do.’
Yeah, his chest burned. He saw the horror in her eyes at the sight of his bruises. But he couldn’t win this that dirty after all. He didn’t want to win her through sympathy. Her guilt was a hollow, bitter victory. He didn’t want pity. He didn’t want her to feel bad or obligated. He just wanted her to love him the way he loved her. But she deserved the truth. Even if it meant he might lose her.
‘The accident doesn’t matter,’ he said huskily. ‘I wasn’t going to be there anyway.’
‘What do you mean you weren’t going to be there?’ She’d backed up to the wall, as far from him as she could get.
‘I’d decided to end it. I was texting you to say I wasn’t coming when the accident happened.’
‘You were texting while driving?’ she screeched, anger flooding back.
‘Actually I was in the back of a taxi.’
She stared at him and as the seconds ticked he didn’t just see the pain he’d inflicted on her, he felt it himself. Her hurt was his—because his heart was hers.
‘Why are you telling me this?’ Ellie had suffered too many shocks already. She didn’t get what the guy wanted or why he was here.
‘I want to be honest with you. I want to clear this up.’
Clear it up? As in over? Hadn’t she just tried to do that? What was with the torment?
‘I don’t want to be friends with you, Ellie. I want a relationship with you.’ He looked less than impressed about it. ‘I can’t get you out of my head,’ he growled.
She had no sympathy—nothing left to give in the face of this. ‘Maybe you need to try harder.’
‘Ellie.’ He shook his head, his voice low. ‘I can’t stay away from you.’
‘You can’t stay away from sex. That’s all it is.’
‘No, that is not all it is,’ he shouted back. ‘We hadn’t had sex in weeks.’ He drew breath—the damn cracked rib kept poking him, forcing the honesty. ‘Yes, that was a big part of it at first. But then it was you. All of you.’
She wasn’t buying it. ‘You only did the calls because you were frustrated that I hadn’t put out. I was the challenge—and once you’d conquered me up on that mountain you weren’t interested any more.’
‘That’s not true.’
‘Well, what is it you want from me, then?’ Oh, she hurt. So hurt. But she couldn’t be second best. Not when he’d become her everything.
‘Ellie.’ His voice broke. He leaned back against her door, his body completely rigid, every muscle straining as he pressed his fists to his chest. ‘I can’t sleep. I’m barely eating. I can’t concentrate on anything at work. I haven’t for weeks. I don’t want to be this obsessed. I’ve always been totally one track, but, now, you’re the track. And I can’t fight it any more. I don’t care about anything else. All I care about is being with you.’ He scrubbed his hands through his hair. ‘But I’ve never had a relationship actually work for more than five minutes. And I can’t...’ He sighed. ‘You deserve more than I can give you.’
Ellie stared at him—stunned and uncomprehending. ‘Why do you think you can’t give me what I need?’
‘I’ve never been able to before,’ he said harshly. ‘And I’ve never wanted to. I hate feeling so out of control.’ He straightened away from the door, and awkwardly walked to her lounge. ‘My parents’ relationship limited them. Neither achieved their ambitions. Dad had his dreams but they hardly got off the ground. They were too tied up with each other.’
‘Is that so bad?’
‘I know they were happy,’ he admitted. ‘And maybe because of the way the world viewed them they were an even tighter unit. But it was frustrating.’ He hobbled about her lounge, not looking at her. ‘We came out here when I was six. I had this French accent, an ancient dad and I loved him. But he bought this wreck of a property and said he was going to turn it into a chateau.’ Ruben laughed painfully. ‘He drew up these awesome plans. But that was about as far as he got.’
‘So you did it for him.’ Ellie knew this but she thought she had it all now. ‘But you really think their relationship held your father back from achieving anything else?’
He winced. ‘Not just him, they were both hopeless that way. No one can have it all. And if you want to do something you’re better to be free to get on with it.’
‘But maybe neither of them wanted to achieve those dreams that much. Maybe your father was just enjoying being a husband and a dad—you said yourself he never thought it was going to happen. Maybe he wanted to spend that time imagining his dreams with you—rather than not spending that time with you as he made them a reality. I’m sure he’d be thrilled with what you’ve done, but I don’t know that he’d be so pleased with how you’ve isolated yourself to do it.’
He was silent a long moment. She could see the shifting emotions in him—saw the hopelessness lift.
But then he turned away. ‘My ex resented the time I put into work. It came to a head—I had to pick her or the deal for the Taupo lodge. I chose the deal and she walked. At the time I was glad. But this time?’ He shook his head. ‘I don’t want to hurt you like that. I don’t want to lose you but how can I be fair to you?’
‘But I’m not her. I want to support you, not hold you back.’ She’d love to help him however she could. ‘And I want you to support me. Why can’t we achieve our dreams together?’
He jerked his head, turning back to face her. ‘You’re the first woman I’ve ever put before work, the only woman who’s made work seem utterly meaningless.’ He walked towards her. ‘You’re the only woman I’ve chased. And I’m going to keep chasing as long as I have to.’
It wasn’t going to have to be for much longer. Her eyes filled with tears.
‘Ellie, you’re everything and more to me.’ He stopped in front of her. ‘You don’t need to be anything other than yourself. You’re the perfect woman for me.’ He stepped close enough to touch—so he only had to whisper. ‘Just you. Just as you are. I need you in my life. I never knew how much I needed you until I tried to live without you.’
‘This is you chasing, huh?’ She swiped the streaming rivers from her cheeks.
‘This is me being honest,’ he said softly. ‘I didn’t want to hurt you but I did and I’m so sorry. But I didn’t want to hurt myself either and I thought walking away would save me from that. I was so wrong.’ His voice softened. ‘Because the thing is, I am like my parents. I love as deeply. You. I hate being apart from you. I want to be with you all of the time. I don’t want to go away. I don’t want you going away from me.’ He shook his head. ‘It’s crazy. I think about you all the time. I miss you like you wouldn’t believe. It hurts. It’s a physical ache. I never wanted to hurt like this.’
Oh, she knew that ache. The constant, incurable gnawing deep inside. The coldness in bed—despite summer heat or electric blankets. The sadness at the stretch of bed beside her. The inadequacy of a quick phone call. The inability to catch his eye, to smile at a joke she knew he’d get. She missed that magic language, that connection that she’d never had with another person. Only him. It was real heartache, that heaviness of his absence. He wasn’t hers and she’d thought he couldn’t ever be. Oh, that had hurt.
‘I feel for you like I’ve never felt for anyone. I’ve fought it. I thought I could control it, but I can’t. I just want to be with you.’ He took her hand in his. ‘I don’t want to go anywhere else. Home is where you are.’ He looked intently into her eyes. ‘You’re the most important thing in my life.’
She nodded. Swallowed. Trying to clear the blurring in her eyes, the building of emotion in her throat.
‘That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.’ Her throat was so constricted from holding back her emotion that it was hardly a whisper that sounded. She put her fingers to her lips to stop the sobs from ripping free.
‘Please let me love you,’ he whispered back. ‘I’ll do whatever I have to.’
‘You don’t have to do anything but love me,’ she whispered. ‘I don’t want you giving up things that are important to you.’
‘I’m not.’
‘What about those Australians?’
‘The terrible twins?’ He laughed. ‘They’ll find someone else. I’m not in the market for global domination. Just national.’
‘Really?’
‘I have lots of things to do round here—at work and with you.’
She smiled. ‘So do I. Planning to be the best tour guide in the country, you know.’
‘Of course.’ He nodded. ‘So maybe I could come on tour sometimes?’ That one eyebrow went even higher. ‘I could learn all those lines and achieve Ultra Fan Status.’
She chuckled—well, it was more a hiccup. Because she didn’t know if she could handle his presence when she was leading a tour. ‘You might be too much of a handful on my bus.’
He winked. ‘I do solemnly declare that I will never manhandle you on tour time. Only in the hotel every night.’
‘It’s not you I’m worried about.’ She smiled. It was her own urges. ‘But maybe I could travel with you sometimes?’
‘Any time you want. I won’t visit the lodges as much. I need to consolidate and I could stay in town more. Here.’
‘You’re going to move in with me?’ Her eyebrow took the upwards escalator that time.
‘If you’ll have me.’ He paused.
‘Is it going to be enough for you?’ What if he got bored and felt she was holding him back?
‘I’m talking long-term commitment, Ellie. I’m talking life. Literally. I want a family,’ he said softly.
‘You’re talking kids?’ Her voice lifted a dozen octaves. And he’d used the C-word?
‘And I want to be involved.’ He nodded, seeming to miss her total astonishment. ‘I don’t want them turning themselves inside out to get my attention. I don’t want to do that to our children. I want them to know how important they are.’
The security she hadn’t been given by her parents. Knowing he understood that made her melt completely. She leaned against his chest. ‘I think if you tell them...’
He shook his head. ‘Words aren’t enough,’ he whispered. ‘It’s all in the actions. Words mean nothing if they’re not backed up with action. I want to show them. Just as I want to show you.’
‘You already have.’
‘No, I’ve only just begun. I love you, Ellie. Let me show you how for the rest of our days.’
Not often did an actual climax live up to the fantasy of Ellie’s unlimited—heavily Hollywood influenced—imagination. This moment wasn’t like that. There was no cinematic tweaking, no flash mob dancing, no proposals in neon lights... But nothing could beat the sincerity shining in the light in his eyes. Nothing could beat the liquid joy racing in her veins. Nothing could stop her from smiling, from crying. She squeezed her eyes shut as her tears flowed faster. Warmth seeped into her skin—the feel of his skin, his strong body, his tight embrace. Yes, the blaze of passion was there, but it was based on an eternal flame, a lick of heat that was all security. All his love.
She’d never felt so treasured. So wanted. In every way that mattered. In that most special of ways. She was his partner in everything. His equal. And they were going to work it together.
‘I love you.’ She’d give him everything she had to give. It could never be too much, now she understood that. He wanted it all—wanted to give her the same.
He groaned. ‘I need you.’
She couldn’t believe he was so blown away to have her in his arms. That he too was so ecstatic and so relieved that she’d opened up to him. As if he’d really believed she might not.
He moved, lifting her.
‘This is a bad idea,’ she yelped. ‘You’re injured.’
‘I’m fine,’ he argued.
‘You’re not.’
‘Hold me back any longer and I won’t be. Please let me do this.’
She cupped his cheek with her hand. ‘Only if you let me take care of you too.’
He smiled at her—that lucky, lovely smile—and carried her to the place they both needed to be. She muffled her gasps when she saw the extent of his bruising, but he’d already seen her distress.
‘It looks worse than it is.’
‘Liar.’ She brushed a kiss over the purplish skin near his ribs.
‘I love you.’
‘We haven’t had sex this simple,’ she said softly as he carefully moved over her.
‘This isn’t simple,’ he answered. ‘And this isn’t sex.’
She arched instinctively, her neck, her spine, her feet. Every muscle clenched on the pleasure of him, breathing hard already. Abandoned moans were a mere thrust away.
‘This is love.’ His biceps rippled as he braced over her, pausing before driving his point home. ‘This is making love.’
She cried, ‘Oh, yes.’
He groaned and pulled back, trying to slow down. ‘It’s not going to be a marathon.’
‘Not a problem.’ She arched again, the ripples starting already.
His grin was lopsided and strained. And so lucky. Their eyes met—vulnerable, revealing. Trusting.
In the aftermath he nuzzled closer, his weight so wonderfully heavy on her. She blew cool, teasing air over his face and neck.
‘I think I’m the luckiest guy ever,’ he whispered gruffly.
She looked at the lamp where his tee shirt had landed and saw the old slogan and smiled, the most secure and certain of anything in her life. ‘Yeah,’ she whispered. ‘There’s no one luckier than you. Except me.’
She felt his smile against her skin.
‘We’re going to spend the rest of our lives arguing that,’ he teased.
Pure happiness radiated through her. She softened. His completely. Happy completely.
‘I know.’
