Читать книгу The Firefighter Blues - Alan Bruce - Страница 4

Although it was a very gory and horrific scene, the blood and guts disturbed me the least. In relation to that particular incident, the hardest thing for me to deal with was, and still is, guilt. As I was delicately untwisting body parts from the unforgiving steel undercarriage I kept thinking, Thank God, he’s dead. It wasn’t because of any pain or suffering this poor kid would have to endure; I was praying he was dead long before I arrived at the scene, because a live victim is much harder to deal with. There is less pressure carrying out a body retrieval than rescuing a living, breathing human being who may require intensive first aid, if conscious, probably kicking and screaming, or at the very least groaning in pain. I didn’t want any complications. It was much easier not having to set up intricate hydraulic and pneumatic rams, jacks and cutters. It was pure selfishness on my part and coping with those types of feelings has haunted me my entire life. I have children of my own, how could I have wished this on someone else’s kids?

I later spent hundreds of hours with psychologists over many years trying to explain away, or somehow justify, my thinking. I’m not sure I’ll ever come to understand some of my unsavoury thoughts and emotions, but one day, I might learn to live with them.

Heading back to the fire station, it was dark and quiet in the back of the truck. With the windows down the night air cooled our sweat-soaked shirts as our truck meandered peacefully through the darkened streets of Macquarie Fields. No sirens or flashing lights. Our homeward bound trip was decidedly less frantic than our earlier run to the railway station. I stared deep into the moonless sky and tried to make sense of it all. The silence had an eeriness which I found disturbing. No discussions, no debriefing or brigade banter – just silence.

Perhaps they were all thinking the same as I was:

Another successful body retrieval; another story for the pub tomorrow and another nightmare lodged deep in the back of my brain. I need to stay strong.