Читать книгу Work. Mama. Life. - Ali Young - Страница 25

I don't want to be controversial in this land, but there are so many ways we can parent. In my experience, there most definitely isn't a right or wrong way that fits everybody, their family unit and their children. I went into this whole mothering gig with an expectation that I would parent in a very specific way, while still being unsure how to mother. I'm not sure where I grabbed the info from and what subconscious pathways it had been built through, but there were ways that I perceived to be the ‘right way’ to parent.

The ‘right way’ when I became a new mum looked completely different from how I parent now. It's an evolving thing. But interestingly, the perceived expectation of how a parent should do it is high. Research by Kate Harwood, Neil McLean and Kevin Durkin identified that those mothers who went in with an optimistic (or positive) outlook were much more likely to have matched or exceeded expectations. However, when the ‘experiences were negative relative to expectations, there was greater depression symptomatology and poorer relationship adjustment’. What this means is that if you go into parenting thinking it will be great, and it is, then you have a great time. However, if you go into parenting and it isn't as good as you thought it would be, it just makes you more likely to have depression and anxiety. The perception of what parenting should be and look like can impact the mental health of our mums.

Remember back in chapter 1, where I talked about newborn times predicating burnout? This is exactly what I meant. If we can create realistic expectations of parenting, and how changing what you do is normal, then we are much less likely to end up in burnout land.

I can categorically say that I went into motherhood with pretty high expectations of glorious calm days, lots of connected play, ease with breastfeeding and sleep … you know, all the pretty pictures. Yet there are some questions that I wish I'd asked and discussed with my husband before we began the journey that could have made it a whole lot simpler.

I wish we had discussed:

 How will we share child rearing duties? How does each of us see the make-up of day and night?

 What support can we expect to have to help us achieve our parenting and family ideals?

 What religion/ethics/mindset will we aim to develop in our child/ren?

 To smack or not to smack?

 Who would ideally look after the child/ren if both parents are working?

 What would an ideal childhood look like to me now, as an adult? How can we create this for our child/ren?

 What does a happy and healthy parent look like?

 What does a happy and healthy child look like?

 Are there any cultural significances we each bring to the table? How can we incorporate those?

 How can we each connect socially to our friends and mindfully with ourselves? How can we keep our relationship alive?

Mindfulness being brought pre-emptively into the parenting journey before we embark on it is an amazing way to kick off the shackles of ‘should’.

Those first six to eight weeks (or months) can be so life altering, and having a plan together (or with your support people if you are doing this gig solo) is so very important. If we can head into parenting with an open heart and mind, and decrease the ‘shoulds’, imagine where that can lead us.