Читать книгу The Baby Gift: Wishing for a Miracle - Алисон Робертс - Страница 10

SOMETHING wasn’t right.

They should have been able to debrief and put things into perspective on the long road trip back to headquarters courtesy of a military vehicle. They could have talked through how impossible it would have been to save that young woman. Even if they’d known she was there, they would still have had to evacuate all the mobile people and the time needed to shift the dead man and then extricate her would have put Ken in more trouble. And they couldn’t have known. There wasn’t even a window that Julia could have looked into from the outside.

These were things that should have been said aloud. Dissected and come to terms with. And maybe then they could have congratulated themselves on a job well done. The fact that ten people had made it out alive when it could have gone in a very different direction and claimed even more victims.

But Mac, for the first time Julia had known him, didn’t want to talk and that was confusing. He was the strongest, bravest man she had ever met. Six feet tall in his socks and without an ounce of fat on his body. His strength alone was enough to inspire confidence Julia couldn’t hope to impart as soon as he arrived on scene. But there was more to Mac than physical attributes. He was so open and honest and always smiling. Smiling so much that he had deep crinkles around his eyes and grooves on his cheeks. She had seen him tired beyond exhaustion. Frustrated enough to be angry. Sad, even, to the point of his voice sounding thick with tears, but she’d never seen him quite like this.

‘I’m stuffed,’ he said, when she tried to get him to talk at the start of their road trip home. ‘I need sleep. Let’s leave the talking till later, OK?’

Which would have been fine, except that Mac didn’t sleep. Neither could Julia, Not after she’d noticed the way he was staring through the window on his side. Lost in thoughts he obviously didn’t want to share and looking so…bleak.

He closed his eyes, later, but he was feigning sleep. Julia could tell because she could see the way his hands were clenched into fists. So tense.

She wanted—badly—to touch him. To find out what was bothering him and—somehow—make it better.

She cared, dammit. Too much.

And so she said nothing. She kept to her side of the back seat and stared out of her window. Her body ached with weariness and more than a few bumps and bruises but her heart ached more.

For Mac.

Ten years.

It had been a decade ago and Mac hadn’t even thought about it for eons.

What was it about that moment that had brought it back so vividly?

The long blonde hair?

The early pregnancy?

Or was it because Julia had been standing so close to him?

It was like pieces of a jigsaw he hadn’t intended, or wanted, to solve had come together out of nowhere.

Mac could hear the suck of heavy-duty tyres on water-soaked roadways along with the rumble of the engine and the background buzz of the radio station the driver was listening to. Runnels of water coalesced on the window and then streaked sideways but Mac wasn’t really watching. He was seeing an altogether different picture.

No wonder he found Julia Bennett so damned attractive on so many levels. It wasn’t just that she was gorgeous and smart and brave. It was that full-on approach to life in combination with an ability to sidestep any hint of a meaningful personal relationship that did it.

Presented the kind of challenge any red-blooded man would find irresistible, it was almost a matter of honour to have a crack at winning such a prize. Or wanting to.

Why hadn’t he put two and two together before this?

Because he’d done his damnedest to forget Christine, that was why. To forget the heartache of absolute failure. To move on and make a success of his life.

‘You OK, mate?’ Julia had asked when they were on the main road and settling in for their journey back to headquarters.

‘I’m stuffed,’ he’d growled. And he was. Exhausted both physically and emotionally. In pain, actually, because something raw had been unexpectedly exposed deep within. He’d never talked to anyone about it. Ever. And if he did, Julia would be at the bottom of any list of potential listeners. He wasn’t about to admit the kind of failure he was on a personal level. Preferably not to anyone but especially not to a woman whom he doubted had ever failed at anything and who would be less than impressed with a man who was nowhere near her equal.

‘I need sleep,’ he’d added tonelessly, turning away from her. ‘Let’s leave the talking till later, OK?’

She accepted his withdrawal and why wouldn’t she? Today had been tough. This was the best job in the world but it took a day when they succeeded a hundred per cent to reinforce that. A job when no one died or got maimed for life. The way through feeling like that was to talk about it, of course. He knew that. Debriefing was ingrained in anyone who worked in careers that dealt with this kind of trauma and degree of human suffering. It was a part of the job, really, to analyse everything that had happened. To take a quiet pride in things that had been done well and to learn from anything else so they could go out and do an even better job next time.

But he couldn’t talk to Julia about this. Not yet. Not when he’d been blindsided by memories and could see danger signs a mile high. Signs that warned him how easy it would be to fall in love with this woman. Hell, he was already quite a way down that track and hadn’t even noticed.

He couldn’t afford to let her anywhere near him right now, when the scab over that failure had been ripped off and he was feeling raw. Vulnerable, even, and Alan MacCulloch didn’t do vulnerable, thanks very much. Imagine if she wasn’t unimpressed with his history. If she accepted him, warts and all. He’d fall. Hard. In a way he’d managed to avoid for a whole decade. Nearly a quarter of his life, come to think of it.

She didn’t want that.

Neither did he.

Julia was looking at him. He could feel it. He could sense her concern, like a gust of warmth crossing the gap on the back seat in the back of this vehicle. She wanted to offer comfort but Mac didn’t want that either. He closed his eyes and pretended to sleep.

Well after midnight, they got back to the outskirts of Glasgow and the station they shared with a road-based ambulance service. They collected their packs from the back of the truck.

‘Cheers, mate,’ Julia said to the soldier who’d been their chauffeur. ‘Hope you get to go back to base and get some shuteye now.’

‘Not a chance.’ The young soldier grinned. ‘I’ve got to get back to the scene. We’ll be there until it’s all cleaned up.’

Cleaning up was exactly what he and Julia needed to do. Mac picked up his pack and swung it onto his back. From the corner of his eye he could see Julia struggling to do the same. She was so tired she could barely stay upright, poor thing. The urge to look after her was far too strong to ignore.

‘Here,’ he said gruffly. ‘I’ll take them. You go and hit the showers.’

‘No, thanks.’ The tone was cool. ‘I can manage.’

She gave up on lifting the pack to her back and just held it in her arms instead, turning away without a glance in his direction.

It was a slap he deserved so he had no right to feel hurt. Julia had done nothing wrong and hadn’t deserved to be treated the way he had treated her. God, how selfish had he been? Maybe she’d been the one who needed the debrief. Praise, if nothing else, for her extraordinary courage and endurance.

He’d made a mistake. A big one. How hard would it have been to talk about the job like they always did? Made a few jokes, even. The kind of black humour that diffused the dark space they were all in danger of slipping into with this kind of job. He could have made her smile and that would have made him smile and feel good. She would never have guessed that he’d been thinking of anything other than work.

He’d been stupid as well as selfish. Not only had he created an uncomfortable distance between himself and his partner, it had been the worst defence possible for himself. He’d had nothing to do but think for nearly two hours. Sitting there being so aware of the woman sitting beside him. Wanting her and pushing her away simultaneously.

God, he’d never felt this tired. Exhaustion was becoming confusion. A long, hot shower was what he needed and then he’d head home. Maybe it was better not to say anything more to Jules tonight in an attempt to put things right because, the way he was feeling, he would most likely make things worse. They were due for two days off now. By the time they had to see each other again, she might have forgotten his moodiness or at least forgiven his silence. They could just go back and pick up where they’d left off.

Being colleagues who respected and cared about each other. Julia had called the soldier ‘mate’ and it was what she often called him as well. That’s what they were. Mates. Comrades. Not quite friends because that implied something a lot more personal than they had. Dangerous territory.

The decision to leave things was a relief. The shower and change into warm, dry civvies was a comfort. Mac signed himself out and noted Julia’s signature already in the logbook. She’d left before him and that was good.

Or was it?

And why was her car still in the parking lot at the back of the station?

Maybe she’d gone into the messroom to talk to the crew on night shift. Mac battled, briefly, with the desire to retrace his footsteps and find her but solved the problem by turning towards his own vehicle—a hefty, black four-wheel drive that filled his allocated space. Overflowed from it, in fact, despite him nosing it in until the front bumper virtually touched the moss of the old stone wall surrounding this area. There were trees on the other side of the wall. Big, dark shapes that created such intense shadows he didn’t see Julia until he was about to pull his driver’s door open.

She was sitting on the wall. Wrapped up in a padded anorak and mittens. Waiting for him.

‘What the—?’

Julia jumped down. Her hood fell away and she wrapped her arms around her body as she took a step forward. And then another. Until she was close enough for him to see that her hair was still damp despite the protection the hood had given her from the drizzle. Close enough for him to smell the shampoo she’d just been using.

‘I couldn’t go home,’ she said quietly. ‘Not without knowing what rattled your cage so much tonight.’ Her gaze caught his and held it. ‘Was it something I did?’

‘Good grief, no!’ Mac was transfixed. By the smell of…what was it? A mixture of soap and…almonds, that’s what it was. Even more by the warmth he could feel radiating off this small, determined woman. Most of all, by the way her eyes seemed to catch the glow from the lights behind him in the parking lot. He knew her eyes were blue but right now they were just huge and dark and full of concern.

‘It…it was the job,’ he told her. ‘It…got to me.’

‘Of course it did.’ A tiny nod advertised that Julia had already come to that conclusion. ‘There’d be something wrong if it didn’t.’ She frowned now, glancing down and lowering her voice. ‘But why couldn’t you talk about it? Like we always do?’

Mac opened his mouth to offer the same excuse of exhaustion. Or to say he’d been asleep but it was obvious she knew he would be lying. She was looking up at him again and he could see plainly that she knew he hadn’t been asleep. She’d seen through him in the truck and she was seeing through him now. Right into his head. Into his heart. There was no escape and, suddenly, Mac didn’t want to find one.

‘That woman,’ he heard himself saying. ‘She…reminded me of someone.’

‘Ahh.’ The sound was long. It contained complete understanding that there was—or had been—a woman of great importance in his life. Far more important than herself.

Mac could actually see the thought process going on in the way she was standing so still she wasn’t even blinking. The almost imperceptible backing away he could sense. The way her lips were parted a fraction as her mind worked.

And that slight parting of her lips was Mac’s complete undoing.

She was so wrong to put herself down in any way but that was exactly what she was doing. She was convincing herself that she had been dismissed in favour of the woman he’d been thinking about. That she was somehow less worthy of his attention. So wrong, and there was only one way he could think to prove it as soon as he noticed her lips.

He had to kiss her.

She could have stopped him. Time seemed to slow down to a crawl. He looked at her mouth and then back to her eyes and he could see that she knew he was unable to resist the temptation now that the thought had occurred to him. Slowly and deliberately…so slowly she had any amount of time to duck out of reach, he tilted and lowered his head. He was giving her the chance to move. Part of him was desperately hoping she would.

But she didn’t move a single muscle.

Her mouth was there. Waiting for him. Her lips still parted. And even then Mac moved so slowly he could feel the warmth of her breath against his lips before he closed that last, infinitesimal space.

Once his lips touched hers, he couldn’t think of anything else at all. Her mouth claimed his. Dragged him in. Drugged him. It was only the need for oxygen that forced him to break the contact but then he heard the sound that Julia made. A soft whimper of desire and he was lost again.

When her mittened hands came up to circle his neck, he surrendered himself without a heartbeat’s hesitation. He caught her head in his hands and tilted it. Touched her lips and then her tongue with his own and it felt like the ground had vanished from beneath his feet. He was weightless. Floating. Vaporised in some fashion by the heat being generated.

When he became aware of what he was standing on again, Mac felt reality returning with a jolt. Who had broken that extraordinary kiss? He didn’t think he could have if his life had depended on it.

He was breathing hard. So was Julia. She’d stepped back from him. It must have been she who had broken the contact, then, because Mac was sure his feet hadn’t moved. What was she thinking? What on earth could he say that might diffuse the intensity of what had just happened? Did he want to?

And then Julia peeped up at him and grinned.

‘You have to marry me now, you know,’ she said.

Mac’s jaw dropped but then it hit him. This was a joke. Maybe Julia’s reaction to the kiss had been nothing like his own. Or maybe she was just as astonished as he was and needed enough space to get her head around it. For whatever reason, she was going to make light of it and right now, it seemed the perfect way forward.

‘Hey…’ He feigned shock. ‘It was only a kiss.’

‘Only a kiss? Cheers, Mac.’ But her lips twitched and there was a glow of merriment in her eyes.

Mac’s smile felt rusty but it was still there. And it grew. He could feel it stretching something that had got way too tight inside him. ‘It was a pretty good kiss,’ he said thoughtfully.

Julia nodded in agreement. ‘Exactly.’ She sighed. ‘So now you have to marry me.’

Mac’s smile broadened. ‘Is that so?’

Julia nodded again. Firmly. ‘Yep. I paid attention at school and Sister Therese said…’

The bark of ironic laughter came from nowhere. Oh, God…if only Julia knew that she was making a joke about the very thing that had been haunting Mac so keenly. He could actually hear a faint echo of his own voice from a decade ago.

‘I’ll marry you, Chris. We can make this work.’

And hers. Scathing.

‘You can’t be serious! You think I want a kid? Holding me back? Interfering with everything I want to do with my life?’

‘It’s my baby, too. You can’t just—’

‘It’s my body, Alan. I can do whatever I like and you can’t stop me.’

How could he have thought that Julia and Christine were alike? The very idea of marriage had been an insult. A threat, even, to the woman he’d believed himself in love with. Something that could never have been discussed reasonably, let alone joked about.

That Julia could make a joke of it was the other end of the spectrum, wasn’t it? Maybe he should find that almost as offensive but, somehow, it wasn’t.

She didn’t know and, at this particular moment in time, it really didn’t matter. How could it, in the wake of that astonishing kiss that had taken him somewhere he’d never been before? A place that held release rather than tension. A pleasure so pure it was paradise.

Relief was coursing through him as well. If he wanted to make something out of this new development in their relationship with each other it was going to be up to him. Julia wasn’t bothered. She could laugh it off. Even better, any damage done by his behaviour tonight was repaired. They would be able to work together again without a barrier that would have been unbearable.

He could play this game. He could laugh it off too and make it go away.

‘Come on, then,’ he said, completely deadpan. ‘I’ve got a full tank in my car and Gretna Green isn’t that far away.’

Julia laughed. She turned away, shaking her head. ‘Are you kidding? I only listened to Sister Therese’s rules, I didn’t obey them.’ She was walking away now, towards her small car, but her words floated back, still coated with laughter. ‘Kisses don’t make babies. You’re safe, mate.’

Safe?

Safe?

Who was she trying to kid?

Mac wasn’t in a remotely safe place right now. What was worse, a part of him didn’t think he wanted to be either. The part that wanted to go after Julia right now and grab her and take her in his arms for another kiss.

At least part of his head was still functioning sensibly. He wrenched open the heavy door of his vehicle, eager to shut himself into the temporary sanctuary.

‘He what?’

‘Kissed me. Come on, Annie. This line is so good you might as well be here sitting on the end of my bed. You heard just fine.’

‘I’m just…surprised.’

‘You and me both.’ Julia’s laugh was hollow. ‘Actually, I have the horrible feeling it might have been me, kissing him.’

‘Who made the first move?’

‘Him. No, me. Oh, God, I don’t know. I was worried about him after the job because he’d been so quiet and I kind of ambushed him in the car park. And…and it just kind of happened. The thing is, what am I going to do about it?’

‘Why do you have to do anything about it?’

‘Because he’s my partner. The last three months have been the best I’ve ever had and I don’t want to spoil our working relationship. I might have already!’

‘Why? Was it a horrible kiss?’

‘No…’ Julia’s sigh was heartfelt. ‘It was even better than I thought it would be.’

‘Aha!’ Her sister pounced. ‘I knew you fancied him.’

‘Of course I fancy him. Who wouldn’t? He’s gorgeous.’

‘So what’s the problem? You’re a big girl now, Jules. Go for it. Lord knows, a fling would do you the world of good. How long has it been? Two years?’

‘Nearly three.’

‘So this is the perfect opportunity.’

‘Why?’

‘You’ve only got another three months there. More than long enough to find out if it’s a real possibility. An easy way out if it’s not. Life shouldn’t be all work and no play, you know.’

‘That’s rich, coming from you.’ Julia chuckled. Then she sighed. ‘It wouldn’t be just playing,’ she said then. ‘And that’s why I can’t go there. It’s just too scary.’

There was a short silence on the other end of the line. ‘You wouldn’t say that unless there’s something really special about him. You think you’re going to fall in love with him and get hurt again, don’t you?’

‘I’m probably halfway there already,’ Julia groaned. ‘And if I wasn’t before that kiss I certainly am now.’

‘All the more reason to try it out.’

‘I can’t.’ Julia shook her head even though her sister was half a world away from seeing the decisive action. ‘No way. Because he’s special. One of us would end up getting hurt. Probably me. Maybe both of us.’

‘Not necessarily.’

Julia spoke softly. ‘He adores kids, Anne. He’s the perfect father-in-waiting.’

‘Oh-h-h…’

The sound was so full of understanding and sympathy it brought tears to Julia’s eyes.

‘You won’t believe what I said to him after that kiss.’

‘What?’

‘I said…’ Julia had to catch her breath to swallow a sob that was determined to escape. ‘I said that he’d have to marry me now because of what Sister Therese used to say at school. Do you remember? About kissing and babies?’

‘Oh, no!’ But Anne was laughing. ‘Why do you do it to yourself, hon? Every time. Salt in wounds and all that.’

‘It’s the way I deal with stuff. You know that.’

Her sister’s voice was soft. ‘I know you’re not as tough as you like to make out, Jules. I know how much it can hurt.’

‘Better to make jokes than let people feel sorry for me. Or not to tell them and let things go further than is good for anyone involved.’

‘Mac’s not Peter.’

‘No. I doubt there’s anyone on earth that quite matches my ex-fiancé in the creep stakes.’

‘It’s been three years. Maybe it’s time to have a look and see what else is out there. When was the last time you met anyone you were attracted to this much?’

‘Three years.’ Julia gave an unamused huff. ‘Tell you what, if I come across any nice widowers with a few motherless children in tow, I’ll pounce, I promise.’

‘There are plenty of men who could actually handle adoption. Or surrogacy.’

‘Or who would say they can. Where have I heard that before?’ Julia couldn’t help the bitter edge to her voice. ‘And then they’ll turn up two weeks before the wedding and say, “Oops, sorry, babe. I got someone else pregnant and guess what? It is a major after all.”’ Neither could she help the spill of words she’d kept bottled up for so long. ‘“I didn’t realise how amazing being a father was going to be and this is the real thing. I didn’t have to go into some cubicle in a clinic and look at dirty magazines and—”’ Julia stopped abruptly, gave a huge sniff and then cleared her throat. ‘Sorry,’ she added quietly.

‘Don’t be. You should have said all this a long time ago instead of brushing it off and putting on such a brave front.’

‘I guess I’ve been thinking about it all again, thanks to that kiss. No, actually…’ Julia closed her eyes. ‘I’ve been thinking about it since the first day on the job here. Since I saw who I’d be working with. I’ve thought about it every time I’ve seen him with kids. The way he is with them.’

She didn’t notice the way her tone softened. ‘He’s a born dad. You should have seen him today. We had this little girl on the train. Carla, her name was. She was only seven and so scared and then I handed her up to Mac and he just has to look at her and she’s smiling. It was—’

‘Hey, I think I saw that on the news when I walked past someone’s television this morning,’ Anne interrupted. ‘I haven’t had time to check the papers. I knew it was in the UK somewhere but I didn’t realise you were involved.’

‘Yep. It was up between Edinburgh and Inverness. Bang in our patch.’

‘I saw someone dangling off the bridge trying to look in the windows of the carriage. It looked horrific. Was that Mac?’

Julia remembered hearing a helicopter hovering that could well have contained a news crew. ‘It was probably me,’ she admitted. ‘I went down first to assess things.’

‘Oh, my God!’Anne groaned. ‘Don’t tell me it was you who climbed inside the carriage to get people out. Good grief, you must have. You were just telling me about that little girl.’

‘Someone had to,’ Julia said matter-of-factly. ‘And it’s what I do, remember?’

‘How can I forget?’ Julia heard a heavy sigh. ‘I want you home safe and sound, Jules. The sooner the better, thanks.’

‘Stop worrying so much.’

‘It’s what I do, remember? I’m your big sister. I…miss you, kiddo.’

‘I miss you, too.’

Oh, dear. This conversation was supposed to be picking her up after a miserable day of work when she hadn’t been able to find anything to take her mind off Mac. Or that kiss. Or put a stop to the flashes of desire and hope that always spiralled into hopelessness. Now she was going to be feeling homesick on top of heartsick.

‘How are you, anyway?’ she asked brightly. ‘How’s work?’

‘Flat out,’ Anne said co-operatively. ‘We had three cases back to back yesterday and they were all complicated. The biggest was an ostium primum atrial septal defect that extended through both AV valves into the ventricular septum.’

‘Wow! How did that go?’

‘Great. Little Down’s syndrome girl. Very cute. She was awake when I did my rounds in PICU this morning.’

Julia swallowed. Was the mere mention of a child enough to drag her thoughts back to yesterday? To Mac?

‘Any word on that consultancy position?’

‘They’re going to advertise it soon. Richards thinks I’ll be a top contender.’

‘You’ll get it. Good heavens, you’re going to be a consultant paediatric cardiac surgeon by the time you’re thirty-five. Go, you!’

‘I’m not holding my breath. I’ve been working towards this for nearly fifteen years. I can wait as long as it takes.’

‘Wait until I get home, anyway. I want to help celebrate.’

‘I’ll tell them not to advertise for a couple of months, shall I?’

‘You do that.’ Julia was smiling again but something new was being added to the mix of emotions she’d been grappling with. Three months wasn’t very long. She was already halfway through her time here and look how fast it had gone. It would only seem a blink until she was heading home again and then she’d never see Mac again. She’d never know what might have happened if she’d…

‘Hey, it’s Saturday on your side of the world.’ Desperation was providing another distraction. ‘You’ve got a night off for once. You and Dave going out on a hot date?’

‘I will if you will.’

Something in her sister’s tone made Julia’s heart sink. ‘Things not going any better, then?’

‘Worse if anything,’Anne admitted. ‘I get the feeling he wants me to choose between him and my career. He wants a family. How did life get so mixed up?’

‘It’s crazy, isn’t it? You can have kids and don’t want any because you’ve already been a mother to me, and I can’t and…’ Her voice trailed off. It was the biggest dream of all, wasn’t it? A home and family of her own.

It was Anne’s turn to try and provide distraction. ‘We’ve got each other,’ she said stoutly. ‘And we’ve both got amazing careers. Now, tell me all about this job with the train.’

‘It was unreal. It’s been all over the Sunday papers here. I’ll scan the articles and email them to you.’

‘Please. But tell me about it first so I won’t have kittens when I see the pictures.’

‘OK.’ This was good. Anne’s career was so much part of her, it was inseparable from who she was. Julia needed to be more like that. So passionate about her career that anything else got at least a slightly lower priority. Things like relationships. That ordinary kind of family unit she’d never had herself as a child and could never create for any children of her own.

She was a survivor. She’d already survived being orphaned as a young child, hadn’t she? And a brush with cancer that had led to a hysterectomy at the age of twenty-two, for heaven’s sake. Life couldn’t throw anything at her that she couldn’t handle.

‘We got the call about 2 p.m.,’ she told her sister. ‘And when we spotted the target, I really couldn’t believe what I was seeing…’