Читать книгу The Baby Gift: Wishing for a Miracle - Алисон Робертс - Страница 11

THANK heaven for uniforms!

If she didn’t have a uniform to put on, Julia might have had the entire contents of her admittedly meagre wardrobe strewn over her bed this morning, thanks to a bad dose of what could only be described as ‘first date’ nerves.

She hadn’t seen Mac for two days.

Two days of worrying about how it would be when they saw each other for the first time in the wake of that kiss.

Two nights of reliving said kiss and her imagination hadn’t held back in exploring what might have happened if they’d been somewhere other than an open car park. Or if she hadn’t pulled away and then done her best to dismiss the moment by cracking a stupid joke about it.

The night time was manageable. Private. A guilty but irresistible pleasure.

It was the day time workings of her overactive imagination that was causing the nerves. So many scenarios had presented themselves. The worst was an awkward coolness between herself and Mac that everyone would notice and would make working together a misery instead of a joy.

At the other end of the spectrum, she could imagine an escalation of attraction which drew them together like human magnets. And that would probably have exactly the same effect due to the kind of tension it would create.

The best she could hope for was something in the middle. A return to the status quo but with a connection that had been deepened. A step towards a genuine friendship perhaps.

That was what Julia really wanted.

‘Who are you trying to kid?’ she muttered at her reflection, pausing in disgust as she realised what she was about to do.

In disgust, she threw the mascara wand back into the drawer. Make-up was an occasional indulgence and only ever used for a night out. Never for work. What was she thinking?

As if she didn’t know!

‘Focus,’ she ordered herself, tucking the black T-shirt with the red SERT insignia into her black trousers.

‘On your career,’ she specified, lacing up her steel-capped black boots. ‘Like Anne does. It’s all you need to do.’

She tied the knots in the laces tightly. ‘You’re going to be the best you possibly can be in a job you absolutely love,’ she said aloud.

The determined talk to herself was helpful. It worked right through the fifteen-minute drive from the farm cottage she was leasing and got her through parking close to that big, black vehicle and the stone wall that marked the spot where the kiss had happened.

The flashback was so powerful she actually raised her hand to touch her lips, convinced she could feel the pressure of his all over again. Impossible not to push that mental rewind button as she had so many times already. Back to before the kiss had happened. To that delicious waiting. Knowing what was about to happen and experiencing a more intense anticipation than she would have believed anything could engender.

Julia tore her gaze away from the wall. She could stop doing this. Stop thinking about it. She couldn’t stop that odd kick in her gut, though, or the tingles that shot out from it to spread throughout her entire body but she could—and did—ignore their significance. It was nothing more than a physical thing. She could deal with this.

At least, she could until she walked into the messroom and saw what it was that she really wanted, standing there beside the bench, making coffee.

Mac.

Tall. Solid. Julia eyed his back cautiously, hoping like hell he wouldn’t turn around until she got her errant mind—and body—back under control.

He’s not even that good looking, she thought somewhat desperately. He’s…rugged. His nose and mouth are a bit big and he’s got that odd dimple in the middle of his chin. And he looks older than he is. Kind of weathered.

And he’s got some other woman he cares about. One with long, blonde hair.

Yes. Maybe this was the track to take. It certainly felt like a splash of cold water. Julia poked her fingers through her own hair, making the spikes more prominent.

A pixie cut, the hairdresser had promised, but it looked more like a hedgehog now that it had grown out a little. Appropriate, really, given her short, little legs.

That blonde woman was probably tall. And beautiful.

And that was fine, because she wasn’t interested in Mac as anything other than a colleague.

Oh, Lord. This was going to be every bit as dreadful as she’d feared. That kiss had unleashed something that had to be chained up again. Currently it felt like something far too wild to even begin trying to handle. It was too hard to move her feet and take the first step in any attempt. Her heart was thumping and her stomach was tying itself into a painful knot.

And then Mac turned his head. ‘Hey, Jules. Want a coffee?’

It was exactly what he would have said last week. In exactly the same kind of tone. The knot inside began to melt and Julia’s heart gave a peculiar kind of wiggle and then settled into a steady rhythm she could ignore. It was going to be OK.

She nodded. ‘Yes, please.’

And here it was. The first challenge. Eye contact that would be far too easy to maintain and allow to continue long enough to be significant. To send messages that Julia had no intention of transmitting. But Mac’s glance only brushed hers. Just a whisper of contact. The kind you might make with a complete stranger.

It should have been reassuring.

It certainly shouldn’t feel like a physical shove to push her away and even if it did, it shouldn’t feel this disappointing.

The Sunday papers were still scattered all over the big table in the kitchen area. Julia made an effort and shifted her focus.

‘They took some great pictures, didn’t they? I love that one of you and Carla being winched up. You should contact the paper and see if you can get a copy.’

‘The TV footage was even better.’ Mac came towards her, carrying two steaming mugs. He put one in front of Julia and then sat down. ‘They caught you climbing into the carriage. Did you see it?’

‘No.’ Julia was happy to follow Mac’s example and sit down. Maybe she could relax all those tense muscles now because Mac sounded completely normal. As though the kiss had never happened. Her smile was rueful. ‘I think my sister did, though. She’s planning my obituary in case I don’t make it back home.’

Mac smiled. Just one of those crooked, half-smiles he was so good at but Julia was aware of that melting sensation inside again. She reached for her mug and cupped her hands around it as though needing the comfort of its warmth.

‘I heard you telling Ken about her. She sounds pretty special.’

Julia risked an upward glance. This was different. A conversation about something personal? But Mac’s expression was simply interested. She couldn’t read anything more into this step onto new territory.

She shrugged. ‘Yeah…probably not the done thing to share one’s life history with a patient but he needed distraction.’

Mac was pulling a section of the newspaper closer, signalling that the personal conversation was over, but then Julia was surprised again.

‘Not many people get raised by a sibling,’ he said.

‘No. She’s an amazing person.’ Julia was happy to talk about this. This was exactly the kind of conversations that colleagues on the way to being friends could have. ‘She was only six and I was a baby when Mum died but Dad always said she grew up overnight and turned into a mother instead of a sister. When she wasn’t at school she had to be the one looking after me, and woe betide any nanny who tried to interfere.’

Mac raised an eyebrow. ‘Determination is a family trait, then?’

‘Yeah…’ Was that a compliment of some kind? Way too hard to tell and why on earth was she bothered, anyway? She really, really didn’t want this kind of emotional roller-coaster going on in her head.

She could ignore it and it would go away. Julia concentrated on her coffee for the short silence that followed. In the normal run of things, they might have a brief conversation but then they’d probably look at the papers while they finished their drinks. Or discuss what the day might bring. There was no one else on station at the moment, which meant the road crews were busy. If there were no callouts for the specialist crews they could be used to help cover other work.

Julia was hoping that the silence was only feeling awkward for herself but Mac’s abrupt question advertised otherwise.

‘She’s a doctor? Your sister?’

‘A paediatric cardiothoracic surgical registrar, no less.’

‘That’s extremely impressive.’

‘Sure is. I’m very proud of her.’

‘But you weren’t tempted to go to med school yourself?’

‘Tempted, yes. But then I thought about being confined in an ED or a theatre or a general practice and I got cabin fever.’

‘You wanted adventure.’

‘Yeah.’

‘A bit of danger.’

‘Too right!’

‘No two jobs the same.’

‘You got it.’ They were both smiling now. Of course Mac got it. They shared a passion for this work and it was a connection far too strong to ignore.

We’re talking about work, Julia reminded herself. That’s the connection. We’re colleagues.

So why did it feel like something else entirely? That rapid-fire exchange seemed to have derailed them both and led them straight back to where they’d been…the moment before that kiss.

Mac’s smile faded and he looked away. ‘I’m not surprised she worries about you. She’s still being a mother, isn’t she?’

‘Kind of.’ Julia sucked in a breath, pushing this man and her reactions to him out of her head. Trying to concentrate and think about her sister, instead. It was a complicated relationship that had undergone a huge change as she’d left her teens. A rough couple of years, those had been, what with the diagnosis of early endometrial cancer, the surgery and the grief that had accompanied her recuperation with such a huge adjustment needed in what she had envisaged as her future. ‘She’s like a mother and a sister and a best friend all rolled into one, I guess.’

Mac was silent for a heartbeat. ‘You must miss her.’

‘I do.’

He cleared his throat. ‘Guess you’ll be looking forward to getting home, then.’

And there it was. Challenge number two. Had Mac intended any significance behind those words? If she said she couldn’t wait to get back to the other side of the world, she could ensure that any thoughts he might have of following up on that kiss would be buried because she would really be saying she wasn’t interested in him.

The split second of identifying that significance was enough of a hesitation. Mac stood up and took his mug back to the sink to rinse it. The question morphed into a statement and left the clear impression that the fact she was looking forward to leaving was acceptable.

A relief, even?

He could do this.

That pesky part of Mac’s brain that was attached to something much lower on his body just needed a bit more squashing and it would fit neatly into a box that could be locked and then ignored.

He’d managed well so far today, apart from that tiny prod he hadn’t been able to resist this morning, asking if Julia was looking forward to getting home. Alert for a flicker of something other than the impression she was trying very hard to pretend that kiss had never happened. Testing her. Or testing himself?

Whatever. They had both passed.

They’d tidied and restocked the back of the helicopter and then their kits but all they’d discussed had been things like the strength of disinfectant to use or the fact that they were low on IV supplies and morphine. It hadn’t helped that the busy start to the day for the road crew had become an unusually quiet day and, once he and Julia had moved inside to do the kits, they were hanging around, keen to hear as much inside detail as they could about the train-crash scene.

‘So how did you tackle the fractured femur?’

‘Usual protocol,’ Julia responded as she pulled pockets of the back packs open and laid out their contents to see what was missing. ‘Oxygen, fluids, pain relief and a traction splint. Just the same as you’d be doing.’

‘Bit different, hanging in mid-air with a vertical aisle! Must have been hellishly awkward.’

‘Jules can work anywhere,’ Mac told them. ‘She’s like a cross between a contortionist and…’

He had to think of something that could describe both her level of endurance and the way she could use her body. Impossible not to let his gaze rest on that body for a moment as he tried to come up with that word. No overalls right now. She was wearing the team T-shirt and it hugged the curves of her upper body. Her arms were bare and he could see the definition of her muscles. She was as fit as he was. If he touched her upper arm, it would be firm. Those curves on the front of her T-shirt wouldn’t be firm, though, would they? They’d be…Oh, God! Desire seeped out of that mental box, that wasn’t secure enough yet, to tackle him like a solid force. He hurriedly shifted his gaze back to that defined biceps.

‘A weightlifter,’ he supplied.

Nobody had noticed his hesitation. Julia was wrinkling her nose at him.

‘Gee, thanks, mate,’ she huffed. ‘You make me sound like some kind of muscle-bound circus act.’

Mac grinned. And then quirked an eyebrow, keeping his tone very casual. ‘I only meant that you’re supple. And strong. It was a compliment.’

‘Oh-h-h.’ The look Julia gave their audience said that this was a one-off, getting a compliment. The look she flashed in Mac’s direction said something rather different. There was almost a question there—as though she was puzzled by something.

That kiss was still there. Hanging in the air between them.

‘Not that strong,’ she said in a tone as offhand as his had been. ‘I couldn’t have got her onto that stretcher without you, let alone up and out of the carriage.’

Mac leaned past her to drop a new pack of luer plugs onto one of the piles. ‘We make a good team,’ he said. ‘That’s all.’

There. He’d said it aloud and he could feel the way Julia stilled for a moment. As though she was capturing his words and soaking in their significance. The kiss was history. They were colleagues again. Nothing more.

‘What about the other guy?’ Mac was grateful for the voice of the paramedic. Moving them on and chasing that moment into the past, where it belonged—along with that unfortunate kiss.

‘You mean Ken?’ Was he imagining any strain in her voice? ‘The one with the spinal injury?’

‘Yeah.’

‘That was tricky,’ she said. No. She sounded normal. Delighted to be discussing something professional. ‘There was a bit more to worry about than there would have been getting him out of, say, a car crash. We knew we had to get him out of the seat and then up the aisle before we could keep him horizontal.’

‘Did you use a KED?’

‘Absolutely. Couldn’t have managed without one.’

‘What level was the lesion?’

‘Reasonably high. Paresthesia in both hands.’

‘Diaphragmatic breathing?’

‘No. And he didn’t go into a significant level of neurogenic shock, fortunately.’

Mac was only half listening, vaguely irritated by the chatter without knowing why. He kept himself busy sorting an airway roll and putting endotracheal tubes into order by size, finding the guide wires and bite blocks to put back into their correct slots, but he found himself wishing some road-based pagers would sound.

Finally, they did.

‘Priority three,’ the paramedic said, clearly disappointed. ‘Probably a transfer. If you guys get something good happening while we’re out, you’ll owe us a beer.’

A vaguely tense silence fell once they were alone in the messroom again. Mac fiddled with the kit, making sure everything was perfectly aligned. He was simply too aware of their proximity, that was all. Too aware that the kiss had changed something. It had been a mistake on both sides and they were both doing their best to pretend it hadn’t happened, but it had and now it was just…there.

But they couldn’t talk about it. If they did, it would be tantamount to admitting attraction and Mac didn’t want that conversation. He didn’t want to talk about it. He didn’t want to think about it because if he did, he couldn’t control the pull that came in its wake.

A pull towards something he really didn’t want. Territory he was more than content to be exiled from. This pull was stronger than anything he’d come across in ten years of voluntary exile. And for the first time it felt like he was in a place he might not want to be in for much longer.

A lonely place.

He didn’t like that feeling. It was a relief when Julia broke the silence.

‘Mac?’

He looked up. Hell…there was a plea in her eyes. She wanted something from him and if she asked, it might take more strength than he had to refuse.

‘Mmm?’ It was a noncommittal sound.

‘Do you think…if it stays this quiet…?’

She was hesitant. About to ask for something that might not be entirely professional? Mac’s mouth went curiously dry.

‘I was hoping…’ Julia’s smile was mischievous ‘…that we might be able to sneak out and go and visit Ken.’

Mac was quiet again.

He was driving the late-model SUV that was the SERT team’s road vehicle, having checked with Control that it was all right for them to head into the city to visit the hospital Ken had been admitted to. If necessary, they could head for the helipad or any other job at a moment’s notice.

This car had only the front seats. The back was packed with all the equipment they could need in an emergency but there was no stretcher. It was used as an advance vehicle to get to a major incident first, an area where no ambulance was available or as back-up for a serious case. An ambulance had to be dispatched as well for transporting any patients and sometimes, if the patient required treatment beyond the skill level of an available road crew, they would have to abandon this vehicle to travel to the hospital and then retrieve it later.

Julia was becoming increasingly aware of how quiet Mac was as she listened in on the radio traffic. The blips advertising a new message were coming thick and fast. An ambulance was being dispatched to a three car pile-up. Someone else was reporting an NFA from another scene. No further assistance was required there because it was a DOA rather than the cardiac arrest that had been called in. A crew patched through advance notice of a critically ill stroke patient they were transporting to a receiving emergency department and a vehicle was being sent to a rural area to be on standby while the fire service dealt with a house fire.

Busy but nothing out of the ordinary. Julia had her fingers crossed that a call wouldn’t come in the next little while. Long enough for them to visit Ken and see how he was getting on. And long enough to find out why Mac seemed to have withdrawn again.

Not as much as he had the other night, travelling back from the train crash but enough to worry Julia and chip away at this morning’s relief when it had seemed like they could get past any awkward aftermath of that kiss. His message had been received loud and clear. They were a good team and that was all, but they’d never had this odd tension between them before. Silences that became loaded so quickly.

And Mac had made a tentative step towards friendship this morning, hadn’t he? She could reciprocate and maybe that would be enough to fix things properly.

‘So…’ Having made the resolution, Julia impulsively reached out to turn down the volume of the radio. ‘Fair’s fair, Mac.’

He shot her a wary glance.

‘I mean, I’m feeling at a disadvantage now. Like I haven’t had my turn.’

The look was a frown this time. ‘I’m not following you. What have I had that you haven’t?’

‘Information.’

‘Such as?’

‘Well, you know a lot more about me than I do about you.’

Mac was staring into the side mirror, watching for an opportunity to change lanes. ‘Not that much.’

‘Enough,’ Julia said firmly. She switched off the tiny voice at the back of her mind that was suggesting she might be making a mistake here. ‘It’s my turn,’ she continued. ‘I want to know about you.’

Mac was still concentrating on his driving. He changed lanes twice and then indicated an upcoming turn but Julia was watching his face just as carefully and she saw something in the softening of his features that suggested her interest might not be unwelcome. That encouragement was more than enough to switch off that annoying little voice.

‘You know heaps,’ Mac said. ‘How old I am, where I come from, where I did my training. How I like my coffee.’ He gave her just the hint of a crooked smile. ‘All the important stuff.’

Julia laughed, shaking her head. ‘That last one’s going to come back and bite you, mate. And I’m not talking about work stuff. I’m talking about the kinds of things friends might talk about. We are friends, aren’t we?’

Friends. It was such a nice, safe word. She could definitely detect a lessening of any tension in the atmosphere now.

‘You want to talk about football? Wrestling, maybe?’

Julia’s breath hitched. No, not wrestling. ‘That’s boy stuff,’ she said dismissively. ‘I’m talking family. Like what you know about me. Brothers, sisters, exwives…that sort of thing.’

Oh…God! What on earth had made that come out? This wasn’t the time to diffuse tension by cracking stupid jokes.

Mac looked as startled as she was herself. ‘You want to know about my ex-wife?’

Julia swallowed. ‘You have one?’

A tiny pause and then a huff of sound that had an unmistakably ironic twinge. ‘No.’

She had to laugh again, to hide the flash of…what was it, relief? Elation? Something entirely inappropriate, anyway. This was supposed to be a joke. Something light that would make Mac smile.

‘That’s two,’ she told him sternly. ‘Any more and I can’t promise you’ll survive the retribution.’

Mac chuckled. ‘OK, shoot. My past history is an open book.’

Was it? Could she ask about the blonde woman?

No. She didn’t want to know. It was none of her business because this was about friendship, not romance.

‘Brothers?’

‘Nope.’

‘Sisters?’

‘Nope.’

‘You’re an only child?’

Mac sighed. ‘Did you really get your degree with honours?’

Julia ignored the insult. ‘I wouldn’t have picked it, that’s all.’

‘Why? Do I seem spoilt? Self-centred and socially insensitive or something?’

‘Not at all.’ The idea of applying any of those criticisms to Mac was ludicrous. ‘I was kind of an only child myself, you know, what with Anne turning into my mother.’

Mac turned off onto another road and Julia saw the sign indicating the route to the Eastern Infirmary—the hospital they were heading for. This conversation would have to end very soon and she hadn’t stepped off first base, really. Mac was going all silent again so it was up to her to say something.

‘It’s just that you’re such a people person,’ she said carefully. ‘You get on so well with everybody and you love kids. I had this picture in my head of you being the oldest in a big family. The big brother, you know?’

Mac turned into the car park. ‘I wish,’ he said quietly, choosing an empty slot to swing the vehicle into. ‘A big family was something I always dreamed of.’ He pulled on the hand brake and cut the engine.

Something inside Julia died right along with the engine.

The tiny hope that this could have been something. That they didn’t have to bury that kiss and make it go away.

It was something in Mac’s tone. A wistfulness that told her a big family was a dream that mattered a lot. Something he hadn’t had as a child but he could—and should—be able to realise it as a father.

The road that led further than that kiss could never go in that direction and she owed it to Mac not to let either of them take it further.

Not that he was showing the slightest sign of wanting to but she could have kept hoping and now she wasn’t going to. And that was good. Any potential for an emotional ride that could only end in a painful crash was being removed.

‘Come on, then.’ Julia reached for the door latch. ‘Let’s go and find Ken.’

Their spinal injury patient from the train carriage was still in the intensive care unit but he was awake and seemed delighted to see his visitors.

‘Hey, Jules! You’ve come to see me.’

‘I said I would.’ Julia’s smile was lighting up her whole face and it wasn’t just Ken who was captured by its warmth. Mac had to make an effort to look away and find something else compelling enough to compete with that smile.

‘I probably won’t need surgery.’ Ken sounded tired but quite happy to discuss his treatment with the person who’d played such a big part in his rescue.

‘That’s fantastic,’ Julia said. ‘So the doctors are happy with you?’

‘So far. They’ve warned me it’s going to be a long road to any recovery and they said we won’t know how bad things will end up being until after the spinal shock wears off, and that can take weeks.’

Julia was nodding, her face sympathetic. Then she glanced up at the wall behind his bed which was plastered with get-well cards.

‘So many cards,’ she said. ‘You’re a popular man, Ken. I reckon I’d be lucky to get two if I was lying in that bed.’

‘I doubt that.’ Ken’s tone was admiring. So was the gaze he had fixed on Julia. Mac felt a kind of growl rumbling in his chest. He cleared his throat.

‘What was the verdict?’ he asked. ‘As far as damage?’

‘A fracture/dislocation in C6/7 and a fracture in…um…I think it was T8. Does that mean anything?’

Mac smiled. ‘Sure does. Any changes in your symptoms in the last couple of days?’

‘The pins and needles have gone from my hands. I’ve got them in my feet instead but they say that’s a good thing.’

‘It is,’ Julia agreed. ‘And the earlier you see an improvement, the more likely things are to end up better than you might expect.’

‘Pretty much what my doctor said.’ Ken had that slightly awed tone back again. ‘You really know your stuff, don’t you?’

‘I’m still learning.’ Julia’s gaze flicked to Mac and she smiled.

The smile said that she was learning from him and that she was grateful. It made Mac feel important. Necessary. He had things he could give her, like knowledge and new skills. Not that he hadn’t already been doing that but it seemed more significant now. The way everything happening between them did.

The pleasurable pride faded abruptly, however, as Mac realised what that significance was. Julia had just reminded him of his position as her mentor. Of her passion for her career and why she was here.

The sound of their pagers curtailed the visit. Julia promised to visit again on her next day off and Mac was aware of another unpleasant splash of emotion.

Jealousy?

If it was, it was easily dealt with because Mac also realised that Julia had just handed him exactly what he needed.

The key to be able to lock that box.

It wasn’t that the reminder of Christine hadn’t been enough to warn him off. This was a bonus. Julia wasn’t just a woman whose career was the most important thing to her, he was her senior colleague. Her teacher. In a position of authority. To step over professional boundaries into anything more personal simply wasn’t acceptable and his reputation and status in his chosen field of work were everything to him.

This was the key.

He would talk to Julia about spinal injuries on their way to this callout. He would quiz her about spinal oedema and paralytic ileus and the scientific evidence that an early infusion of methyl prednisolone could minimise any ongoing damage to the spinal cord.

And when they were at the job they could talk about that patient. Analyse the job on the way home. Anything that would foster professionalism.

Yes. The key was in its slot and Mac was confident that it would turn smoothly.

The danger was over.