Читать книгу The Throwaway Boy - Alix Chapel - Страница 16

Do you lie awake

Your mind a meeting place

Where others seem to congregate

And half the time

You don’t know who they are

‘Turn the Light on Love’ by Dirk McCray

I love ‘looking after’, organising and fixing. I think some people, including Billy, interpret that as a kind of control-freakery or appalling bossiness, but it isn’t meant that way. Well, in truth, I may want to be in control, but not of other people – just myself. At no other time are my organisational skills executed to their full potential than when preparing for a holiday. On the days leading up to any trip, I am in my element – organising, planning, preparing. I have refined my routine to such an extent, and have put it into practice on so many occasions, I now have it down to a fine art. I pride myself on remembering everything and being prepared for every eventuality, within the confines of the minimum amount of luggage, of course. It is just something I have always done.

When we lived in Canada, we camped a lot. Preparing for camping trips always posed the biggest challenge, due to the fact that many more things had to be considered, but I was in no way put off by the challenge. In fact, if I’m honest, I would have to admit that I relished the extra planning. Billy always teased me when I got my camping lists out. We joked about it but I suspected that he found the whole procedure slightly irritating. I was conscious of the fact that Billy sometimes felt that I took charge too much, so I tried to involve him in as much as I could bear to relinquish. We used to laugh about the fact that friends of ours always argued before a trip because the wife expected the husband to do it all. For Billy, chance would have been a fine thing, and I suspect that he would have preferred it more that way.

I was so caught up in doing it my right way I even took charge of the unpacking and setting up at the campsites when we arrived. What I knew, that Billy didn’t, was that my ‘right’ way didn’t mean that I thought Billy’s way was wrong. My meticulous planning was really only meticulous to me. For all I knew, what I considered to be meticulous may not have been by someone else’s standards. But that’s my point – it was, and still is, my own right way. Not necessarily the right way.

Ironically, Billy is a perfectionist; he would have set up perfectly, but he would have set up later, and I couldn’t wait. So, Billy’s personality type ensured he didn’t speak up and mine ensured I took charge. I was aware that if I took charge too much, without consulting Billy, he would start to think that I did it all because I thought he wasn’t capable and I had enough insight to tell him I did it all because I wanted to, but I made the mistake of assuming he understood what I was saying. Intellectually, maybe, he did, but that didn’t stop him from feeling inferior. I really didn’t see the ramifications of that.

August of 1996 was the first time we went on a trip to the USA. I had been when I was a child and was looking forward to introducing Billy to some of the places I’d visited with my parents and sisters. Usually, we just camped on the Island but that holiday was our first proper road trip. I wanted Billy to get excited about the trip, so I suggested we plan our route together. I also thought if I asked for his input into the preparations he would feel a part of it all and begin to look forward to the trip more.

With that in mind, I asked him if we should pack up the 4Runner on the Friday night after work. I also added that we could then just get up and go for the first ferry. However, it was a question that I didn’t really require an answer to. Truthfully, I think I asked it just so that I could say that I had consulted him.

When Billy firmly stated that he didn’t want the gear to stay in the vehicle overnight I was taken aback, and my shocked expression must have shown that. I remember that I had been confused; it hadn’t occurred to me that he wouldn’t agree to packing up on the Friday night. I thought the worst I would have had to put up with was his input into where things should go, not putting it off until the next day – the day we were leaving! I was horrified at the mere suggestion.

I noticed Billy’s expression had changed. He actually looked angrily at me. ‘We’d look well if it all got pinched!’ he snapped.

‘What do you mean? You’re so paranoid… it won’t get stolen!’ I said, trying so hard not to sound whiny.

‘For fuck’s sake, do what ya wanna do!’

‘Billy, don’t be ridiculous! We’re meant to be looking forward to our trip… why are you being like this?’ For the first time the process of packing was going wrong and I began to feel a slight panic at the thought of chaos.

‘Forget it!’

‘No, I want to know when we are packing! I’m not leaving it to the last minute, running around like a chicken with its head cut off and then rushing to catch the ferry!’ I wanted to save the situation, to stop his mood, and I tried frantically to think, at the same time as speaking, what he could be getting so upset about.

‘What’s the big deal? I’ll put it all in in the morning, before you get up. I don’t mind getting up early,’ Billy replied.

‘But I want to put it all in a certain place.’

‘Christ! I am capable of doing it, you know!’

I could see he was getting it all wrong and it only made me more frustrated. ‘I know you are, for Christ’s sake! I didn’t say you weren’t!’ I was beyond exasperated. ‘I just figured out a way that it all fits and there are some things I need easy access to!’ I was praying he would see what I meant.

‘Like what?’ Billy asked, equally as exasperated.

‘Well, the cooler for one. Also, if each thing has a specific place it will be easier to pack up the next time. How about we leave the clothes out until Saturday morning and we put the camping equipment in on Friday night?’ I compromised, saying anything, trying to defuse the situation.

‘Aye, OK… I should be used to your organising by now,’ he said resignedly. ‘I guess being unorganised is a guy thing,’ he joked in a cod Canadian accent. Panic over. The switch had been tripped and peace was restored.

‘No,’ I laughed. ‘There are just disorganised people and organised people – it doesn’t matter what gender they are. Anyway, I know my organising drives you up the wall, but it’s just the way I am. I know I can be a bit obsessive about it.’

I knew I sounded light-hearted but the lingering notion that, even though his mood had improved, he still didn’t really understand what I meant niggled in the back of my mind. I really couldn’t even consider throwing all the stuff into the back of the 4Runner without any thought as to where things should go. I found the mere suggestion absurd.

‘Actually, I like how you organise things and don’t leave them to the last minute. It makes me feel safe,’ Billy added quietly.

At that point, the wind had been sucked out of my sails. Not for one minute had I imagined that was how he actually felt. I didn’t know what else to say. He had always been prone to getting worked up occasionally over the smallest of things. He would over-react and would often be paranoid about things going wrong – like the stuff getting stolen out of the 4Runner. It never lasted long, though, and then he would be OK again. It didn’t happen often but, over the years, I had adapted to handling those moods without even realising it and, unbeknownst to me at the time, had learned ways to defuse the situation.

I often wonder what would have happened if I had a different personality and what impact that would have had on our relationship. I know what Billy’s buttons are but I choose not to push them, which can’t help but calm things down. I don’t yell, so Billy doesn’t yell. The quote ‘If you don’t run you can’t be chased’ often comes to mind.

At the time, I was so shocked that Billy actually said he liked my organising that it didn’t register that he had said it made him feel safe. It wasn’t until later that night, when I was lying in bed, that I thought about what he had actually said. When Billy came to bed I asked him what he meant. He simply said that his childhood had been chaotic at the best of times, and it was nice to have a life that was predictable for a change, something he could rely on. He kissed me goodnight and turned over, but I was aware that he wasn’t asleep. I lay awake also, thinking how ironic it was that, actually, we both really just wanted to avoid chaos, even if it was for different reasons. And it made me feel closer to him. I started going over what I had to do the next day and, as I started to drift off to sleep, I was aware that Billy was still awake. I couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking about.

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