Читать книгу Lost - Amber Plum - Страница 5

After my shower I got dressed in my classic tight fit flare jeans and tennis shoes. I threw on a simple thin grey tee and my short sleeve hibiscus flower hoodie. I wanted to go all out so I could feel as confident as possible on that much dreaded day. I did the makeup thing and prettied up my hair. I checked myself over for a long time before I mustered up the confidence to face the day.

I walked a different way to catch a different bus. I felt like the six month waiting period would drag on forever before I was able get my driver’s license. I was the only one at my bus stop. It was nice to be alone. I listened to the birds chirping and gazed at the trees as the light breeze in the air helped the leaves dance so perfectly on their boughs. For such a beautiful morning, it was still hard to appreciate it in full. My anxiety grew stronger and I felt the tightness in my chest as I saw the bus approaching.

I needed to calm down. I heard the breaks squeal to a stop and the air from the hydraulics hiss. The door swung open and the loud chatter of teens burst out. I wanted to run back home and never return. My chest grew tighter and tighter. I took a deep breath as I looked up to my bus driver.

“Well, you coming, I haven’t got all day!” I nodded hesitantly.

I took a deep breath and walked up the steps and climbed aboard. I went straight to the back to the second to last seat and sat down. I ignored the stares and wished more than anything I could be invisible. The boys in the back seats were laughing and I was not sure if it was at me or not. I practiced deep breathing to try and calm myself down. The bus rolled to motion and I closed my eyes and felt my panic attack slowly decreasing. Alright, bus, check.

I was staring out of the window. The bus stopped and picked more kids up along the way and I was pleased that no one even bothered to sit with me. That was until we stopped at the outside of a no named addition. It was filled with humble homes and half a bus load. More noise came in with them and everyone filled into the remaining empty seats, including mine.

I was still facing the window, ignoring my seat mate. I had no desire to talk to anyone today. The boy made a noise like clearing his throat and I knew he was trying to get my attention. I could smell the heavy smell of his spicy cologne; I was a sucker for a good smelling boy. I kept staring out the window.

“Hey I am Ross.”

I really didn’t want to respond, or if anything just tell him to leave me alone, but I was raised with manners.

“Hi.” I said reluctantly.

I looked at him finally, he was very mature looking. He had a goatee; no kid my age had facial hair like that. He was pale with light brown hair and light carmel brown eyes. He blinked his heavy lashes at me and flashed a bright and wide smile.

“Uh, my name is Selene.”

He nodded and it made me wonder if he knew who I was.

“I like that name, it’s very fitting. Are you Hispanic?”

Why do people always think I am Hispanic, I just don’t see it.

“No, German and Italian, How about you, are you Cuban?”

He was far from Cuban most likely something corn-fed but it gets really annoying that no one gets my ethnicity right. He laughed a little at me and smiled.

“Got ya, sorry. I am well known as the Crazy Caucasian.” He said it with much pride, like he was a celebrity.

It was my turn to laugh.

His face went straight and the corners of his lips dropped ever so slightly.

“Oh sorry, you were serious huh?” I smiled through pursed lips.

“Very serious, honestly you should not even talk to me.” He grinned with confidence, nodded his head and lifted his brows.

I felt my heart rate pick up. He smiled so softly at me and started to chuckle at himself. I could tell he was bad, and he was right I shouldn’t talk to him. I should have ended our conversation, but it was nice to talk to someone, anyone.

“You think you’re crazy? You haven’t gotten to know me yet!” I smiled a half smile and looked down.

Our bus came to a halt in front of the school. I felt the anxiety return, mildly but enough to irritate me. As I took some deep breaths, Ross caught my attention again.

“If you want to walk in a no name first year, this is your cue.”

He pointed to the aisle filled with departing kids.

“Or you can take my hand and walk in with me.” He held his hand out with confidence.

“Trust me, I will never be able to escape as a no name. Don’t you know who my brother was?”

He looked off to the side with his eyes. Then he took a deep breath and nodded.

“Levi, I don’t know why I didn’t see it. You look just like him.”

I nodded a somber nod, as I did all I could to hold back my tears.

He grabbed my hand and pulled me out of my seat.

“You are gonna want to take my hand for sure then.” I accepted.

I knew I wasn’t going to be able to just walk in under the radar. I figured, why not give them more to talk about. I was not really sure who Ross was or why he felt he could change my entry, but I was glad to not have to walk in alone.

We walked off the bus and joined in with all the crowded teens. His hand was warm and he had a firm grip. As we got closer to the main doors my heart rate increased and my chest tightened. I stopped walking and froze in my spot at the door, my reflection glared at me in horror.

“Nothing to fear,” Ross whispered into my ear.

I nodded, straightened my shoulders and tried my best to stand tall and confident. I sucked in the deepest breath I could manage as Ross opened the door. I followed behind him still clutching his hand. The noise level was high and filled with teenage nonsense and laughter. There were all kinds of kids around. I noticed several girls looked at me in wonder. As we kept walking, more and more people looked. I wasn’t sure what they were looking at. Were they seeing Levi’s sister? Or were they looking at the girl walking in with Ross? If I had walked in alone I would have known for sure what they were looking at. This made that easier, somehow.

Ross walked in with confidence and he kept the tight grip on my hand. He worked his way through the commons and all the teens. He would nod or throw knuckles out to people he passed that he knew. I wondered what was so popular about this boy. Everyone knew who he was. You could tell the jealousy in the girls and boys who wished he nodded to them. We made it out to the other end of the crowd. There were a few hallways to chose from. Ross guided me down the nearest one. After we passed the office, there were more halls. Ross confirmed that my locker was in A hall. He told me that A hall was a freshman hall and all my classes should be in that section too

“What’s your locker number?”

I dug into my purse and pulled out a tiny note pad and found my number.

“128.”

I started to calm down and catch my breath. That was not so bad. Ross made it easy to just walk through and ignore the teens. Amazing, entry, check.

I truly hoped the rest of the day could go that smooth. If I was able to just blend in, I could just escape the day as an invisible girl.

The hallway circled around and had classroom doors periodically between lockers. Ross stopped in front of my locker.

“Uh, thanks” I let go of his hand.

I dug out the paper with my combination from my purse. Ross stood there staring at me as I fumbled around like an idiot. He grabbed my combination and spun my dial several times and had it open.

“Ross I can do things for myself you know.”

He flashed his gorgeous smile. I saw why everyone was drawn to him. He kind of reminded me of a great salesman who could just schmooze anyone. One thing was for sure, he was not going to get what he wanted from me that way. I snatched my paper back, slammed my locker shut and redid it myself. Locker, check.

I loaded my locker with my new locker mirror and other silly things my mom got me. Ross just watched me. When I finished loading my décor, I put my book bag in and shut the door. Ross was still standing there. When I looked at him, his eyes grew big and he lifted his eyebrows.

“Are you done with your fit?”

I rolled my eyes at him.

“My fit?” (I let out a sigh) Listen I know that you must be desired by many. I can tell you are used to getting what you want. So let’s just hope that it’s not me that you want.”

He smiled a melt your body smile and batted his beautiful eyelashes at me.

“I love a challenge,” he said it in a deep rumble of a man’s voice.

Ross came close to me. He smelled amazing and he was hot a in rough way; he made me want to be bad. His confidence and assured movements and suave told me a lot about him.He was older and way more experienced than I was. He was also very short for a guy, but he still had about an inch on me. I didn’t want him to know I found him attractive. I did all I could to hold my composure. He stepped into me, filling the last bit of space between us. My back was pressed into a locker. Flashes of Em came flooding in and I felt my anxiety pick up. My ears started to ring and my stomach twisted and turned inside itself. I went to that dark numb spot of mine and took in a deep breath. I met his eyes and glared into them and I pushed him off me with more force than I had planned on.

“Like I said, not me!” My words were filled with animosity.

Ross just crossed a boundary that left me confused. I wanted to separate him from Em but somehow they collided when he had me pressed against that locker. I could not hide my disgust and discomfort.

Ross looked frustrated and started scratching the back of his head. He smiled an unsure smile. I scowled at him, turned my back and walked away. I needed to find my first classroom. I looked behind me and saw that Ross was following me like an annoying puppy dog. For such a confident guy the lost puppy dog thing seemed to be funny to me. I giggled to myself. Ross caught up and was by my side.

“I just did you a favor and you are gonna turn me down. That’s pretty bold of you.” He had his swagger back and winked at me with a doting grin.

I didn’t answer right away, but when I reached my classroom door I stopped and looked around. The hall was filled with many kids now, mostly lost first years like me. I focused on Ross.

“See ya, good luck finding an easy freshman.” I smiled at him, letting him know I knew his type. He shook his head at me. In a very robust low voice he said, “as if you are my own Olivia of Twelfth night.”

“What did you say?” It seemed out of character for him to reference Shakespeare.

Ross closed his eyes and took in a deep breath.

“Uh sorry about that, I am not sure what I meant by that. I’ll, ah. Catch ya later.”

He turned and walked away. His head was bent and looking at the ground. He was shaking his head and his speed picked up as he disappeared into the crowd. Although I recognized Twelfth night as a Shakespearian title, it was not one I had read.

I did not think of Ross as a Shakespeare connoisseur. I was definitely curious about what he meant by his comment. I wondered if they would have Twelfth night in the library here. I thought of how amazing the library had to be in this school. I felt a little joy fill me when I thought of all the books. I thought maybe I could go in during lunch and look around.

I found my seat in the far back corner of my classroom. There seemed to be no familiar faces as I looked around at all the kids. I knew my middle school was one of the many feeder schools, so I would have thought I would find at least one familiar face. I had really wished Bitzy was there. As I studied the other kids in my class, they all were as alone as I was. There were only two pairs of people who actually did seem to know each other.

The teacher announced himself as Mr. Crane. He looked like a Mr. Crane, tall and lanky with sunken in eye sockets. Under his eyes were dark and his hair was a silvery grey color; it was a big wavy mop on his head. His hands were wrinkly and slender with well groomed nails. His nose was big and pointy and he had a deep wrinkle going down his forehead. It was paired with many other wrinkles on his face but that one stood out the most. He seemed to fit as a perfect biology teacher. He began the class with attendance. It was a typical roll call until he got to me.

“Seele, hmmm must be Levi’s sister,” he glared at me as I raised my hand.

“Shall I assume you are going to be mischievous too?”

My heart rate sped up and my chest tightened. I could feel the tears burning in my eyes. I could not cry on my first day!

“Bite me!” It flew out of my mouth with annoyance and disbelief.

I believe I shocked myself as much as I shocked the teacher. Mr. Crane scrunched in his eyes deepening his wrinkle, and pointed to the door. I gladly got up and went out to the hall. When I sat down on the hard floor I began to cry, I pulled my face into my knees. I thought it was low of him to say that. It wasn’t just what he said but how he said it too. He acted as if what he was saying was funny. I know Levi had a bad name, especially amongst teachers, but how could this guy have the audacity to just put it out there like that? It was disrespectful to Levi, to me and to my whole family.

I felt my chest tighten more and more. My breaths became rapid. I closed my eyes and practiced deeper breaths. I needed to calm down. I slowly pulled myself out of my increasing panic attack. I wiped the tears from my face. I thought about Levi, I felt angry because I didn’t have a fair chance with these teachers because of him and his reputation. I lifted my head when I heard the door open and Mr. Crane walked out, shutting the door behind him.

“Miss Seele, I expected mischievousness from you, but not disrespect. Levi always used manners in my class.” He glared at me with his sunken eyes, so harsh and cruel.

I felt my tears burning in my eyes.

“It is disrespectful for you to speak of my dead brother in the way you did.” I said it through gritted teeth. I began to sob uncontrollably. Mr. Crane reached his bony hand to my shoulder. I was shocked to feel his comforting grip. I calmed my sobs and looked at him, startled to see tears in his eyes.

“I apologize, I did not know.” He shook his head to the ground.

“Levi was one of my favorites.”

I no longer saw the harsh cruel man I thought Mr. Crane was. I saw a tired old man who cared about Levi. I reached up to my shoulder and put my hand on his.

“I am sorry too sir, many teachers did not like him. Thank you for seeing him differently.” I felt the tears burn again as I said it. His compassion gave me an odd, almost happy feeling. It was nice to feel a small bond with Mr. Crane. I took the time to explain Levi’s death. I let him know about the trip and the concert and the drugs. I told him how he was missing for almost a month. When I finished talking, Mr. Crane wiped at the tear that fell from his eye. He told me his sympathy was with me and my family. Then he told me several memories he had of Levi, and how smart Levi was. He apologized for not knowing about Levi’s disappearance and death. He had been out for part of the year last year. It made me feel like no matter what, Levi made sure to still be here today with me.

Mr. Crane and I took a moment to breathe and collect ourselves. We walked back in to the room both with our heads down. All my peers looked at us most likely developing their own theories of how my talk with Mr. Crane went. I was thankful that I was allowed, unlike the others, to not have to fear that old man. I was able to see his true character.

Mr. Crane cleared his throat and announced that he was going to pass out our books. He asked us all to read over chapter one and to be prepared to answer questions over our reading the next time we met. I had been out in the hall longer than I had thought; the final bell rang shortly after our books were dispersed. I left out of the class last and winked at Mr. Crane. He winked back and his eyes glossed over. I felt it was best to leave and let him have a moment alone before the next class.

I pulled out my paper with my classes to see where to go next. I noticed a tall red headed girl was walking next to me. Her hair was in pig tails with the bottom half of her head shaved. Her ears were gauged out and she wore red All Stars. She was punk looking and wore too much eyeliner. When I met her eyes she smiled weakly.

“Hey, that was pretty ballsy of you.” Her voice was pitchy and it seemed to tremble as she talked.

I didn’t want to attract people over what happened in biology. “It’s complicated,” I said coldly as I kept walking. She nodded and respected my numbness almost as if it was a good thing. She followed behind me and walked into the next class with me. She already annoyed me. I sat in the far back corner and Red sat next to me. That seemed to set the pace of the way my morning went; I went and Red followed.

Every class I went to the same kids were in it. Red always sat next to me without speaking a word. I remained silent and locked into my dark little world. I was relieved when lunch time hit. Not for food, but for a chance to find a hole to hide in and disappear for a little bit. The Library would have been nice but I probably needed permission. I was not opposed to locking myself in the bathroom stall if that was what I had to do.

I was almost to the cafeteria when I felt a hand slip around my waist and I felt a kiss on the side of my face. I was startled and pulled away. I looked to see Linden beaming with delight.

“Seriously Linden,” I was furious.

This boy was going to be the death of me. I could not deny the chemistry between us but it would always be a no. Linden was chuckling to himself. He enjoyed teasing me. I swear he did and the biggest thing was I could never promise myself he wasn’t after sex. Linden was sweet and kind when he was being my brother figure. But truly, I knew he was a dog when it came to girls. I couldn’t be another one of his girls. It would be awkward. Even worse it could destroy my friendship with Bitzy. The thing that sucked the most about Linden was he really did drive me crazy. I wanted to give in to him and all his charms. He was the only guy I truly trusted. He didn’t make me cringe or trigger flashes of Em. I could dream of becoming his one and only and someday forever committing to him. But that was where the dream died. Linden just wasn’t a committed type. So I punched him in the arm.

“Hey, what’s that about,” he had a swaggering grin and said it with extreme confidence.

“You know what that’s about Linden, can it. Remember your promise?”

He sighed.

“Yes, but hotness, I am a guy and look at you.”

He checked me out from head to toe. It made my pulse jump and my palms sweat. I sucked in a deep breath and I knew I wasn’t hiding my desire well from him. He brushed some hair from my face and smiled a winning smile.

“I understand Selene, but just know I will never stop waiting. One moment with you is all I will ever desire.” What the crack? If only he could have said he wanted a lifetime, not a moment. I knew what a moment meant in boy world. That very statement was going to be my strength to deny him. I rolled my eyes at him and began to walk.

Linden stayed with me and we walked with less tension. He was easy to talk to. He asked how my day had gone and I told him everything. It was sweet of him to flip to big brother, although he really was barely older than me. He laughed when I told him about Red girl. It was nice to not feel so alone. I knew and trusted Linden and he made me happy. We continued talking until we got through the cafeteria line. He looked uneasy all of the sudden and I knew he had a group of friends to go to. I nodded in acknowledgement.

“I’ll see you around.” He looked up to the left and then up to the right with his eyes and scratched the back of his head. “You sure?”

I knew he wanted to be with his friends, and I knew I would forever reject him, so it would be wrong of me to make him stay. “I am sure, go on.” He left but looked back at me a few times. That was another reason Linden and I would never hookup. I wanted him to stay and protect me but he didn’t. I knew I gave him the go ahead, but he could have stayed. Or, better yet, he could have never displayed wanting to be elsewhere.

I watched him walk away and knew shamefully I was falling for him. I shook my head and realized I was standing in the middle of the cafeteria like a foolish first year lost in chaos. I held onto my trey and my pride and examined my options. I took a long breath and mustered up my courage and started walking. I was not really sure where to go but I was going. The bathroom stall sounded better with every step I took. Then I heard my name. I looked around trying to locate the voice. I thought maybe I was hearing things since I didn’t really know anybody. I took another step towards café latrine and I heard my name again. I looked again and saw that it was Red. I really had nowhere else to go, but I still questioned for a moment whether the bathroom was going to be my best option.

I rolled my eyes, mostly at myself, and I walked over to her table and she motioned for me to sit. The table was filled with the craziest looking girls of the school. All of them had their own unique style that would suggest that you not get on their bad side. Shikes! What was Red doing to me? “Hey.” I said it lifelessly and sat down and picked at my food.

I went the whole lunch not looking at them and not talking to them. I was just happy that I was not alone and sitting in the bathroom stall. It kind of bummed me out that only the freaks wanted to accept me. I must have been more of a freak than I had suspected. I listened to them talk and really they were normal girls talking about normal things. I realized I was most likely darker than all of them combined.When I finished eating what was edible I looked up and caught the dark haired girls glare. “Yeah,” I said it all tough-like, it just flew out before I thought about it. I guess I didn’t like how she looked at me. I knew instantly that that was a dumb move.

“I should kick your face in,” she said as she stood up and looked down at me. There was nothing more irritating than bully types to me. I stood up and gave her my best evil eye. “Not if I kick yours in first!” I said it without fear. By the looks of her she could clobber me in no time flat. She had dark hair and dark eyes and was built like a linebacker. I was not the type to take crap from people though. Plus, I really didn’t care if she did hurt me.

Everyone around our table was staring at us, anticipating a chick fight I assumed. I thought for sure I was about to get into my first fight. Then she smirked at me. “You’re alright kid,” she sat back down and started talking to one of the other girls. I had no idea what that was about. I didn’t think I seemed to be tough looking but she just dropped it. That group of girls was so strange to me. I felt so awkward sitting there with them all.

I got up to throw my trash out and put my tray where it belonged. Red followed me. “You are in,” she said it like she was telling me I got back stage passes to the best concert in the world.

“Uh, okay, thanks” I forced a smile at her and kept walking.

“Well you should be thrilled. I am in by default. My sister is the older, prettier red head. Not just anyone gets to be in.” I really didn’t know what I was “in” but I thought I already wanted out.

“Awesome, catch ya later.” I dumped my tray and walked away from Red.

I found the bathroom. It had my name all over it. I just had a few more steps and then I could lock myself away for at least a little bit. I really wished I could have just gone home. I looked over as I was about to open the door and was stopped in my tracks. I saw Levi’s group of friends and they saw me. They did a somber nod and looked away from me as guilt filled their eyes.

I ran into the bathroom and bust into the first stall I saw. I locked myself in it and cried. It was bad enough seeing them, but for them to look away from me hurt even more. It cut through me like a rusty ragged knife. They should have been able to understand my pain. They could have taken me in and we could have gone through losing Levi together, but they were leaving me here alone, just like they had done to Levi.

I was foolish for thinking they would learn from Levi. I had hoped they would change. What more would it take for them? Was Levi’s death a waste? My mom and I both felt it would have helped if Levi’s death impacted others to turn from drugs. But, by the looks of them, it seemed to drive them further into them. I may be all dark and gloomy. I may have even begged God to take my life and at times I still wish my time here was through. But I am also wise enough to know my life is not mine to take. Are drugs really worth it? I wondered what they made you feel like and why Levi chose to throw his life away for them. To me, they just seemed to make people look and act stupid. Over time, so many people end up like Levi. I don’t think he intended to be an addict, but he was and before he knew it, he was into heavier deadlier things. I remember the day I walked in on him holding a bag of cocaine. At the time, I didn’t know what it was, but he still beat me up and told me not to tell mom. I started to feel sad for Levi’s friends. They needed help just like Levi did. Lord, please forgive them and help guide them to different choices.

I stopped crying and calmed myself down. I really could not keep crying like this. I needed to pull myself into the dark numb place in my mind and stay there. I took in a few deep breaths, I walked out of the stall, and patted my face with cold water. I reached in my purse and touched up my face with some emergency makeup and sucked in one more deep and slow breath. I headed back out to the chaos. I walked out tall and strong and looked only where I was going. I could not look at them again, and thankfully, the bell rang. I could just keep on walking to my next class. Red found me and followed behind me. She was so bizarre to me, although I did find it comforting to have a little side kick.

Red and I mostly stayed together, wordless, until a couple elective classes made us split. That was another one of my worst days; they seemed to be almost every day anymore. Today was supposed to be the day when Levi and I finally could be in one building. I could have ducked under his wing and found shelter. But I was left there alone and exposed, broken and ashamed of my existence. The raw hatred I had towards Levi in that moment made my body ache and my head hurt. I hated Levi for leaving me. He abandoned me just like our dad. I felt like such a worthless nothing. I belonged trapped in that glass room in my mind for all existence. I should have been the one to die. So what I was a called Prophet. What the crap did that even mean? I got to look at evil every night. That was no gift in my eyes.

I was beginning to have trouble finding the line between God and Abaddon. It made no sense when I really thought about it. If God loved me so much he could wipe out Abaddon and make him leave my already broken and messed up world. Why was it even fair to let me face him? I was a weak and tattered child. Abaddon could smell my fear and he was no fool. How could I win this fight against him?

I was so lost in my darkness and thoughts. The pain kept creeping in more and more. I hadn’t even realized that I stopped walking, I found myself kneeling on the ground. I couldn’t breathe, I felt like my chest was on fire. It hurt so badly. I felt the world grey in and white out.