Читать книгу Lost - Amber Plum - Страница 6

My mind was blaring in the bright white that seemed to deafen and blind me. I felt it shock through me much stronger than it had blasted my other senses. It washed the pain, hatred and self loathing away. I felt ashamed; I knew I was in the arms of my maker.

“Keep it away Lord. Make it stop. The pain, it is so bad. It’s unbearable.” I cried as I said it. He pulled me close to his chest and I was consumed by his warmth.

“My child, it is yours. Only you can take it away.” He kissed the top of my head and pushed me back out into the light.

My head hurt once more as the white started to pull out from my mind. The grey pumped in and I was back in my sadness and pain. How did he do that? I couldn’t make it go away. It just wasn’t that simple. I remembered where I was at and looked up and all around me. There was a crowd of my peers staring at me. Ross was holding my hand. I pulled my hand back in a jerk reaction. How embarrassing. Linden was running up as I started to stand. I saw the tension between him and Ross instantly. Linden stepped in the space between Ross and me.

“Back up man,” Ross said it with authority. Linden rolled his eyes at him and flicked him off. Ross came up closer to Linden and body checked him.

“Chill out, remember me, the girl who passed out? No worries though I am fine.” I pushed both the boys away and started to walk off.I tried to pretend there was not a mass of kids looking at me. Couldn’t we all just act like this did not just happen and move on with our day? Both Linden and Ross followed after me. Linden stepped in front of me; I turned from him and tried walking a different direction. Ross blocked my next move. Seriously, I just wanted to get out of there. I looked at Ross and plastered my attitude on my face. “Ross, I just met you, so back up!”

I looked over at Linden. “Do not make this worse, ok!” I looked at everyone staring at us still. I felt more than embarrassed at that point and I was worried that we would get attention of teachers soon. Linden finally stepped back and Ross joined him. I marched away and Red trailed quietly behind me. My day just seemed to drag on and it just kept piling up with more and more poo. Was that just my life? It was like I was destined to be doomed. Murphy hated me. I held my head low and tried my best to wear my invisibility. I needed to make it through the rest of my classes and just get the day over with. When the final bell rang I was the first to jump up and haul tail out the doors.

I found my bus and luckily was able to sit in the very back seat. I sat low and hoped everyone could learn to ignore me. It really was better for all of us. I could not believe this was my life. Why did this all have to happen to me? I felt like I was trapped in a crazy storm of darkness and debris smashing into me. It had to let up at some point, right?

My mission to be ignored was thwarted when Ross plopped down beside me. I swore he was like an annoying gnat. How many times could I swat at him until he left me alone. I looked at him with complete annoyance. “Really?” he started laughing as I said it. There was something seriously wrong with him I thought. But his laughter sadly made me smile. I wanted to hold my angst toward him, I really did, but he was cute. He was ridiculous, obnoxious and completely over the top but he wasn’t Linden. That was a big plus. I needed to think about someone other than Linden, before it got me where I did not want to be. Ross was nice looking in that mature kind of way. I figured I could try to make something of it.

He smiled kindly at me. “Do you want to explain why you passed out earlier today?”

I snickered at the idiotic question. “Nope.”

He nodded, finally respecting a boundary. I hated stupid questions; I wondered how he would like it if I asked him a dumb question. “Do you want to explain why you are like seventeen and riding the bus?”

I caught him off guard and for some reason I found myself laughing hysterically.I was way more twisted than I gave myself credit for. Ross bit at his lip and looked uneasy. He leaned close to me and whispered “suspended.” He pursed his lips and raised his eyebrow. It reminded me of a little kid telling someone a big secret. I laughed again. Ross was shaking his head at me and rolling his eyes.

“Sorry, really it’s not that, it’s just, your face.” I kept laughing. “You don’t get it, your cute ok. Plus I rarely laugh so this is a good thing” I pointed to myself as I said the last part. It felt like forever since I laughed like that, it felt good.

Ross’s cocky grin shined so brightly. His eyes sparkled and the boyish beauty he had in that moment gave me hope of being able to like him. It made me think of Brice. How he betrayed me. If I really let myself like Ross or even Linden for that matter there was no guarantee. Could I really put my heart out there again? I withdrew my laughter and my smile. My mood changed instantly and my face went straight.

“What is the deal with you Selene?”I could tell Ross was trying to make sense of me but the truth was he never could.

“Nothing” I looked away and buried my pain. Brice never even got me, he just accepted me. Acceptance didn’t really pull me out of my loneliness. It only helped me lie to myself. If only Ross could lie to me. If only he could tell me he would be the one to understand me, and knew me deeply. I wanted to escape into that pretend world that I created in my mind. Nothing would be real in that fantasy but I would be happy. Ross could tell me it would be alright and I would believe him. I let out a large sigh. Ross was still studying me as I was trapped in my thoughts. “Just leave me alone, okay?”

His eyes narrowed but not a full glare and his lips lightly pursed together. “I can’t do that.” His words lingered as he held an intense stare.I felt like he was trying to intimidate me. The bus stopped and I heard the doors opening. Ross’s face tensed up and I could see his jaws tense too. He sucked in a deep breath and stood up still locked on me and our stare. All the other kids were spilling out of the bus but Ross paid them no mind. His lips rose to a small yet sexy smile. “You are beautiful and stubborn.” He winked and then walked down the aisle and off the bus.

There was one thing I knew for sure, this guy was trouble. I could smell the danger on him yet I knew he could love me. That last smile struck a chord in me and I found him enticing. Losing my virginity wasn’t helping me either. My hormones seemed to be even more out of whack. As much as I would love to say I would do the right thing next time, I sadly knew the love sex made me feel. I was ashamed of my weakness and feared what would happen if I had a boyfriend again.

Brice changed me. I could never take back what I had done with him and what it had meant to me at the time. I loved that moment with him; the intimacy that we shared made me feel complete and loved, even if it was a lie. I hated that I could not turn off the desire to have that again. I also knew what I was; an object to men. I feared that I would never be anything more. The guys who wanted me wanted one thing above all other things. I felt I was no better than them at this point but I wanted to do right by God. This is where things became complicated for me.

I could easily become weak and driven to sin in a relationship. But without fulfillment during the day I would eventually become weak during the night making things more complicated with Abaddon. So which was worse? Giving into sin or giving into evil. I was not even sure what separated the two?