Читать книгу Parenting Illustrated with Crappy Pictures - Amber Dusick - Страница 9

You know what changed after I had kids? Everything.

Most of the changes were good. Very good. They are wonderful little people whom I adore. And I can’t imagine my life without them.

But I’m not going to begin this book by talking about unconditional love or any of that boring shit.

I’m going to begin by talking about other stuff. Stuff that changed. Stuff like this…

AGING

This is what aging was like before I had kids:

In just one year the only thing that changed was my outfit.

And this is what aging is like after having kids:

Now, I age five years every year.

MY BREASTS

It feels a little premature for me to whip out my breasts. I mean, you are just getting to know me and all. So I’ll keep my clothes on. For now.

This is what my breasts looked like before having kids:

And that was braless. Yes, real. Okay, maybe they weren’t that spectacular, but this is how I fondly remember them. (Fondly. That looks like I wrote fondle. I’m leaving it.)

And this is what my breasts look like after having kids:

Only the most powerful of push-up bras can make them reappear. And I only have one of those. So I reserve it for special occasions.

MY STOMACH

This is what it was like to stuff myself before having kids:

I’d feel like I was going to burst!

And this is what it is like to stuff myself after having kids:

My stomach doesn’t ever feel like it is going to burst. It just stretches and expands.

He then asked me if it was a girl burrito or a boy burrito. I’m often pregnant with food babies.

There are other physical changes, too. Like peeing from laughing. Yay! And that my feet grew a full size during pregnancy and never ungrew. And that my hair got thinner after pregnancy and never got unthinner. And that my ass disappeared but my hips widened. Oh, and that I also have a little apron of extra skin on my belly. It’s cute. And should we talk about my vagina? No, we shouldn’t.

But enough of these superficial complaints. Who cares, right? My body made people. I’m like a wizard. Wizards don’t need perfect bodies because they wear robes. I have a robe. It is purple. (See how I distracted you from my body flaws by talking about wizards? This always works. Feel free to steal it.)

There were also changes to my daily routine.

GOING TO THE GROCERY STORE

This is what going to the grocery store was like before having kids:

I could stand there for days, pondering which can of beans to buy.

And this is what going to the grocery store is like now, after having kids:

The only thing I ponder is how fast I can get the hell out of there.

TAKING A BATH

I have always loved to take baths. This is what it was like before I had kids:

Ahhhh, how relaxing. Candles. Bubbles. Aloneness.

And this is what it is like when I try to take a bath now, after having kids:

Notice I said try. Relaxing bath attempts usually coincide with a crisis on the other side of the door (see Crappy Law #4 in Chapter 10).

Sitting in a waiting room alone used to be annoying. But now it is like a mini–spa vacation. I have to go to the dentist? Yes, please! I fell asleep in the dentist chair last time I went. The dentist was doing something annoying in my mouth like a root canal or something, but otherwise it was awesome. Those chairs are comfy! I never noticed this until after I had kids.

And going to the bathroom has changed, too. No, not the hemorrhoids that I got as a door prize for pushing a nine-pound baby out of my lady hole. The audience. When I do manage to shut the door, it is a very special experience. I read, like, three whole sentences in one sitting. Bliss. Raise your hand if you are in the bathroom right now sneaking a couple minutes of alone time. (It is kinda my dream that this actually coincidentally works for someone.)

But this whole before-and-after series would be pointless if I didn’t mention the most monumental change of all. Before kids, I knew this change was inevitable and thought I was prepared for it. But this change was a rude awakening. All night long. Repeatedly.

SLEEPING

Sleeping before I had kids:

It was simple. I slept.

This is what sleeping is like now, after having kids:

I don’t sleep. And now you can skip the next chapter because you already know what happens.