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CHAPTER 2

Taking Action

“Action is the antidote to despair.”

— Joan Baez

There are two big challenges to leaving a soul-deadening relationship: the difficulty of stepping out of your comfort zone and the fear of the unknown. Even if miserable, many women stay in a loveless marriage because they prefer what they know over the uncertainty of what they don’t know. This is human nature, but you do not have to be stuck and wait for a crisis to create positive change.

First, simply acknowledge that change can feel threatening. Neuroscientists call this fundamental principle the “walk toward, run away” theory. We are biologically wired to avoid what seems threatening, rather than embrace it. If we feel uncertain, we focus on the negative and disengage. As a result, our prefrontal cortex, which is the area of the brain engaged for changing behavior and habits, has less reserves of energy (oxygen and glucose) so we are less likely to make good decisions, take on new ideas, and appreciate the big picture. In other words, because of the way our brains are wired, it is harder for us to break out of familiar bad patterns than it is to try something new. This is why most women avoid filing for divorce until calamity strikes.

Next, understand that the way through the fear of change brought on by divorce is to have a strong mindfulness practice and a strategic, step-by-step plan. The mindfulness practice prepares you for the changes you will face. The practical plan provides the steps to get you through it. Dissolving a marriage sounds messy, complicated, and frightening, but it doesn’t have to be. I know you can do what you need to do to establish a new life because I see women accomplish this every day, and they are no different than you. Have courage and move forward to a new and better life.

WISE WOMEN KNOW

“When one door closes, another opens; but we often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door that we do not see the one which has opened for us.”

— Alexander Graham Bell

DIVORCE HACKS

Facing the Truth of Infidelity

In virtually every divorce case I handle, one of the spouses is cheating on the other. Sometimes the woman is doing the cheating, but more often than not, it’s the man. And when there is cheating, there is often “financial infidelity” — marital funds spent on unauthorized activity. It is an inconvenient truth, and we tend to think that we are immune — until it happens to us.

A male client, a well-respected “family man,” told me something that every woman considering divorce should know. He had been carrying on an affair for quite some time without his wife’s knowledge. He said, in the most matter-of-fact way, “This is what we do.” What he meant was that, when the going gets tough, men will use sex like they would use a shot of tequila — to distract themselves from the stresses of modern life. Whether it’s internet porn, strip clubs, or actual hookups, the truth is, many men routinely engage in sex outside of marriage, particularly when they are experiencing stress.

In today’s world, modern technology makes access to willing partners more available and lowers inhibitions, creating a perfect storm for men looking for sexual relief. Recent studies reveal that, not surprisingly, Facebook and Twitter users have a higher rate of infidelity and divorce. There are 40 million sexually explicit websites, chat rooms, bulletin boards, and interactive games available on the internet. An estimated 20 to 33 percent of internet users go online for sexual purposes; most are male, about thirty-five years old, married with children, and well-educated. Online sexual behavior is proving to be highly addictive to some users, and serious relationship problems are reported in almost all marriages in which one partner is cybersex addicted. As many as 17 percent of internet users become addicted to online sexual activity.

WISE WOMEN KNOW

“Life is like riding a bicycle. To keep your balance, you must keep moving.”

— Albert Einstein

Many women think they can change their spouse, or that a marital counselor, therapist, or religious adviser will bring him around and get him to cease his extramarital sexual activities. Having been taught to be patient and “carry on,” women often wait for their husbands to come around. But there is a very real and present danger to waiting. The following story illustrates this point.

Rebecca’s husband, John, had lost his high-paying corporate job in finance during the 2008 financial crisis. Rebecca’s parents were wealthy, and so they loaned Rebecca and John money so that they wouldn’t lose their luxurious beachside home in Los Angeles. Rebecca’s parents also paid for their three grandchildren to go to elite private schools and for Rebecca and John to regularly vacation in Hawaii and Aspen. They paid for their membership in several country clubs and for John’s Audi and Rebecca’s Lexus. This was a great gig for John. He spent a lot of time playing tennis at the country club.

After a few years of this, Rebecca came to me because the financial crisis was over, and although John was highly qualified to obtain a job, he hadn’t gone back to work. She had also learned that John was having an affair. Under these circumstances, Rebecca’s parents were refusing to continue to pay the bills, and Rebecca wanted to know what she could do to bring John back. She and John were in counseling with the pastor of their church. John said that he wanted to “do the right thing,” but despite his promises, she knew (from accessing his text messages) that he was still carrying on the affair. I suspected that what John really wanted was for the gravy train to continue, and I recommended that Rebecca file for divorce. She didn’t. Instead, over the next six months, Rebecca nagged, cajoled, and threatened John — but nothing changed — until one night, the girlfriend came to Rebecca’s house and threatened Rebecca in an effort to extort money. It took a dramatic moment, but Rebecca finally realized that her marriage was over.

Do not be Rebecca. Don’t wait for someone to hit you over the head with bad news. If your husband is not taking active steps to change unacceptable behavior, then it’s up to you to take action. It could literally save your life.

When It’s Time to Admit the Marriage Is Over

Among the women who come through the door of my legal practice, I often observe a great deal of “magical thinking.” The woman is depleted and confused and unsure whether to get divorced. She knows something is wrong — her husband isn’t “showing up fully” and finances have become strained — but she doesn’t have a complete picture of what is happening. Often, by the time she sees me, the woman is already in marital counseling with her husband, who continues to proclaim that he wants to “do the right thing.” While at first this placated her to a certain degree, nothing has changed, and so she asks me — a divorce attorney — what she should do.

Typically, women don’t come to me already convinced that they want to untie the knot of their marriage. They want reassurance that they don’t need to do anything — yet. Sometimes, a woman will decide to file for divorce as a “wake-up call,” hoping this will bring her husband to his senses and she won’t have to follow through. Women often hope against hope to save their marriages, even when, from the outside, it’s easy to see they are already broken beyond repair. Instead, the woman dances around the truth for a while, until one day, I receive an emergency phone call — often on Saturday morning, usually very early. The woman has just learned that her husband has been carrying on a lengthy affair. She usually finds out because he is careless with his cell phone or computer or someone posts something on social media. The woman is always shocked — first by the infidelity, and then, as we unwind the tangled web of her life, by other revelations. We often learn that, in addition to his infidelity, her husband has been draining marital assets to support his “secret life.”

WISE WOMEN KNOW

“All great changes are preceded by chaos.”

— Deepak Chopra

Even in the face of duplicity and betrayal, many women still refuse to acknowledge that the marriage is over, and they wait to take action, still hoping for their husband to come to his senses. A woman will sometimes convince herself that her husband is just going through a phase and will come back around. I am here to tell you that it rarely happens, and the inability to face the truth often leads to financial and emotional ruin for the woman.

Admitting that your marriage is over and taking appropriate action is often the hardest choice to make. I know, from personal experience and from working with my clients, how hard it is. It requires tremendous courage to take the first step out of your marriage and into a new life. No one can make the decision to get a divorce for you. But if you have lost your sense of joy, life has become a struggle, and the red flags are flying, it is time to wake up and take action.

File for Divorce First

Once you’ve decided to end your marriage, take control of your life and file for divorce first. Doing so, you will set the agenda, the pace, and the tone of your divorce, and you will take charge of your future. Do not delay. Before your husband is served with papers, he can move assets and money with few repercussions — and it happens all the time. Once he is served, he can no longer move or dissipate assets. Take control of the process, hire a lawyer, and move forward.

In my work, I see many women who are taken advantage of because they are hesitant to take the first step. Whether women are in denial or clinging to hope that the marriage can be saved — delaying is a recipe for disaster. Consider Sara’s story. Sara sensed there were problems in her marriage, and she convinced her husband to attend counseling, which they did for several years. Her husband claimed that he also wanted to save their marriage, but during this time, he bought a Porsche, got plastic surgery on his face, traveled out of the country frequently “on business,” and claimed that his income from self-employment was radically reduced, despite the good economy. He eventually told Sara that he wanted a divorce and convinced her to attend mediation. After it became clear that her husband was using mediation in an attempt to minimize what he was going to pay her in spousal support, Sara hired me. After our first meeting, I discovered (through social media) that Sara’s husband was having an affair with a woman in Brazil who claimed to be his “wife” and that he was draining funds from their business to pay for his international trips to visit his girlfriend. He was also claiming these trips as business expenses. In other words, Sara’s hesitation gave her husband all the time he needed to enjoy his dalliance, drain their bank account, and subject Sara to possible tax liability for claiming business expenses illegally. He’d set things up to take full advantage of Sara.

I sometimes find it hard to believe the lengths men will go in their efforts to minimize their support obligations to their wives and children, but they can get very crafty. One such case was the story of the “soiled woman.” Catherine and Bill lived in California, had been married for twenty years, and were in marriage counseling because Bill had had multiple affairs. During counseling, Catherine admitted that she had also had a brief “fling” during the marriage. Although Catherine knew that the marriage needed to end, she was dragging her feet. She had never worked and was reluctant to file for divorce because of the financial support Bill provided, since he was a successful businessman. Meanwhile, Bill filed for divorce in Idaho, where he had established residency after living there only six weeks. Since Idaho is a “fault” state, the judge found that Catherine’s affair caused her to be a “soiled woman”; therefore, he ruled that she was not entitled to spousal support. Had Catherine filed first in California, she would have been entitled to significant spousal support under California law, which is a “no fault” state.

Once you’ve decided that your marriage is over, do not delay. Make the first move. This is an essential step to taking back your power.

Regain Control If Your Husband Filed First

If your husband files for divorce first, do not fear. Inevitably, this will be a surprise, but you can handle the unexpected and take control. Remember my client Mary from chapter 1? The morning when her husband of thirty-three years, Mark, tapped her on the shoulder and said, “I’m leaving,” Mary assumed Mark was going to the gym or maybe to pick up bagels for breakfast. He was dressed in his workout clothes. So Mary turned back to her computer to keep working. Then Mark said, “You need to retain a lawyer.”

When Mary walked through the doors of my office, she was still shocked and surprised. As she described it to me, after their youngest child had headed off to college, she and Mark had grown apart, and they were in marital counseling. Mark had recently been fired from his high-paying job as the CFO of a bank, and he was depressed. Mary felt certain that they would get back on an even keel — and then, that Saturday morning.

After further investigation, the facts turned out to be quite different. Instead, Mark had been carrying on a lengthy affair with a colleague at the bank, and he had retired early from his high-paying job so that he could travel around the world with his girlfriend. When he tapped Mary on the shoulder, it was the day before he was to receive a million-dollar payout on his deferred compensation plan. Mark had filed for divorce without telling Mary in an effort to avoid providing her with her fair share of this deferred compensation.

Although Mary was surprised by Mark’s actions, she did the right thing. Rather than spend months licking her emotional wounds, she immediately retained counsel. Doing so saved her financially. We were able to uncover Mark’s real motives, which were to start a new life with his girlfriend and shirk his obligations to his family. By taking quick and decisive action, Mary secured what she needed financially for herself and her children.

No matter what your circumstances, if your spouse’s desire for divorce takes you by surprise, you will probably feel as if the bottom has dropped out from under you. You will need time to calm your raw emotions, restore your self-esteem, and start to heal. You should not, however, wait to protect your legal rights, financial assets, and access to your children. Even if the pain is so enormous that you can hardly think, hire a lawyer and follow the advice below to shore up your strategic position.

HIRE A LAWYER

The second you’re told you will be involved in divorce, hire a lawyer. For help with this, see below, “Retain Counsel but Arm Yourself with Knowledge,” and in chapter 1, “Find a Good Lawyer” (page 15). Be sure to tell your lawyer about any problems that might require relief from the court: the need for money for yourself or your children; the need to decide, at least on a temporary basis, where the children will live and what the visitation arrangements will be; and in some cases, the need for protection from your spouse.

INSIDER TIP

Heather was so furious at Steve for divorcing her that she hacked into his email, sent threatening messages to his girlfriend, and sent embarrassing emails to his family, friends, and coworkers. Heather felt this was acceptable because “all is fair in love and war.” But at trial, her actions merely enraged the judge, who found that Heather had broken the law with her spying and threats. The judge’s discretionary decisions were made in favor of Steve. Keep your anger in check. Angry or aggressive acts can be used against you once the legal system is involved.

PROTECT YOUR RIGHTS AS A PARENT

If you are a parent, the most important thing to do is to consult your lawyer to make sure that you are doing everything possible to protect your rights with regard to your children.

NEVER ACT OUT IN REVENGE

You must also avoid trampling on the rights of your husband, no matter how you feel about him. You may be furious, but don’t act in ways you might regret later, such as locking your spouse out of the house or abandoning your marital residence with or without the children. If you do so, you stand to damage your position regarding custody and assets. If you leave the house, the judge could order that your husband remain in the residence — with the kids — until things are settled. If you lock your spouse out, the judge could order you to let him back in. Resist any urge to engage in “revenge spending.” It might be used against you later if your case goes to court.

GATHER INFORMATION

You must protect yourself against any preemptive moves your spouse may have taken without your knowledge. Directly ask your spouse for any papers that are suddenly missing. Make sure that the safe deposit box or family safe has not been raided, and if it has, you will need to immediately notify your attorney. With your lawyer’s help, you can get restraining orders against the use of specific bank accounts.

TAKE CHARGE OF YOUR FINANCES

If your husband has filed or asked for a divorce, you will need to protect your financial position by learning all you can about your family’s finances. Follow the tips in “Get Money Wise” (page 3) and copy all relevant financial documents. Then make some financial moves of your own. If your spouse hasn’t yet raided the bank accounts, withdraw half of the savings accounts and open a new account. Do not spend that money if at all possible because you may need it until you can obtain relief through the legal system.

WHAT TO DO ABOUT CREDIT CARDS

If you share credit cards that are in your name, or if you pay the credit card bills, cancel them. Tell your husband you’ve canceled the cards. Since he has announced plans to divorce, this should not come as a surprise. On the other hand, if you have not yet established credit in your own name, now is the time to do so; use your spouse’s credit lines to build some credit of your own. Obtain and complete applications immediately. For more, see “Establish and Build Your Credit” below.

WHERE TO SLEEP

If the two of you are going to live together until the divorce is final, decide where you’ll sleep. Note that because your spouse told you that he wants the divorce, you can probably successfully demand use of the bedroom, since he may be feeling some guilt.

TAKE CARE OF YOUR CHILDREN

If you and your spouse can still have a civil conversation, decide how and what the two of you will tell the children about the divorce; for more on this, see “How and When to Tell Children You Are Divorcing” (page 54). If things are not civil, don’t deliberately or inadvertently allow children to become involved. Do not put children in a loyalty bind, where they feel they must choose sides or parents.

CONSIDER SEEING A THERAPIST

There are going to be many stresses in the future, emotional as well as financial, and the better you can cope with them, the smoother the divorce process will go for you. See “Seek Help” at the end of this chapter to help find a therapist.

Retain Counsel but Arm Yourself with Knowledge

There are several things you can do during your first meeting with an attorney to reduce the pain, conflict, and cost of your divorce. Understanding these issues can help you overcome the obstacles that make divorce more difficult than it needs to be.

You, not a lawyer, should be in control of your divorce. Here’s how: Arm yourself with knowledge and information. In chapter 1, “Get Money Wise” (page 3) outlines the financial documents that you will need to get divorced. Bring them to your first meeting. Your lawyer bills by the hour. From the very first meeting, use the time wisely. The worst approach is to go see a lawyer and just ask for a divorce without any information or preparation. In essence, you are asking the lawyer to take charge of your divorce — and your life — and it may not matter to the lawyer if your case becomes some sort of uncontrolled battle that leads to uncontrolled legal fees. That’s great for the lawyer’s bank account. The only way to protect yourself is to take control of your divorce.

Have a list of questions. Be specific and focused. Do not use your lawyer as a therapist. Nothing runs up the legal bill faster than a client who spends time venting their emotions. Vent about your ex with a friend or with a therapist, who charges much less. Do not send your attorney every email and text between you and your spouse. Your lawyer will charge you for the time spent reading these, and most of them will probably be redundant.

INSIDER TIP

Before every meeting or phone call with your attorney, repeat this mantra, “My lawyer bills by the hour.” Make every minute matter.

Interview three lawyers. And before the interview, ask whether you will be charged for the initial consultation. Some attorneys charge for the initial meeting, others do not. Ask the questions outlined below. Then — consult your gut. You will be working closely with this person over the course of the next year. They will guide you through what will be one of the most challenging experiences of your life. You need to trust and respect their counsel. And you need to get along. If you connect with your lawyer and use your time to ask prepared, thoughtful questions, they will answer your phone calls and emails sooner and listen to you and what you want. You want a lawyer who is honest and direct — who can tell you when what you want can be accomplished and when it can’t, and provide solutions to seemingly intractable problems. You want a lawyer who won’t stir up conflict to create unnecessary work to pad their bill. In short, you want a lawyer who is looking out for your best interests.

QUESTIONS TO ASK THE LAWYER

• How many years have you practiced family law? Many lawyers claim to be family law lawyers, but they do not have much actual experience practicing in this area. Experience is key.

• How many divorces have you handled? You want a lawyer who has a track record handling divorces.

• What is the average length of time between filing for divorce and resolution? How long does your average case take? Most cases should be resolved within a year.

• What percentage of your cases go to trial? This should be a small number.

• How many cases have you tried? You want a lawyer who knows what they are doing in a courtroom, but not one that tries every case. Most cases should settle.

• How much do you charge per hour? Find out the going rate in your area by inquiring through the interview process and asking your divorced friends. Remember that just because a lawyer charges more does not mean that they are better.

• What is your retainer? This is the deposit the lawyer will require to begin work on your case. Again, find out what the going retainer is where you live. Some lawyers will split it in half to begin work on your case. Ask.

• When will I receive an invoice and how do you handle billing disputes? You should receive an invoice each month that clearly explains each task and the time spent. Questions about the bill should be handled immediately.

• Can I pay by credit card? Some lawyers won’t do this because the credit card companies charge a fee, which is a deduction from what the lawyer receives. But it is a convenience and sometimes a necessity for clients.

• When do you recommend using formal discovery? That is, depositions, requests for production of documents, interrogatories, and so on. Formal discovery is rarely needed in family law because the parties are required to turn everything over in their financial disclosures. However, many lawyers like to take unnecessary discovery to pad their bill. Be wary of this one!

• Will I need a forensic accountant, and if so, who do you recommend? If separate funds were used toward the acquisition of property that you and your spouse own jointly, you will probably need a forensic accountant to trace those funds. If you or your spouse own a business, you may need a forensic accountant to conduct an income analysis. Find out which forensics the attorney works with and ask to meet for a consultation (see “How a Forensic Accountant Can Help,” page 176).

When to Hire a Divorce Financial Planner

You may be asking yourself whether you really need a financial adviser if you’re hiring a divorce lawyer. Quite frankly, it depends on the size and number of your assets. In simple, straightforward divorces, where the parties have few assets, you do not need a financial adviser. However, if you have significant assets that will be divided in the divorce and that you will then manage, you will want to enlist the help of a certified divorce financial planner. A divorce financial planner can work with you and your attorney to negotiate a divorce settlement that fully addresses your immediate financial needs as well as to avoid long-term financial pitfalls due to poor choices or financial ignorance.

Divorce financial planners can help with the following:

• Create a realistic budget as you move through the divorce process and beyond.

• Educate you on the financial characteristics of your assets, such as tax implications.

• Determine a long-term financial plan for your life as a single adult.

Working with you and your family law attorney, a divorce financial planner can forecast the long-term effects of various divorce settlement options, including tax liabilities and benefits; develop detailed household budgets to avoid postdivorce financial struggles; and help you think through what your divorce will realistically cost in the long run.

Hire a Certified Financial Planner

There is a significant difference between a “financial planner,” a “divorce financial planner,” and a “Certified Financial Planner” (CFP), which is a licensed certification. You want to find a Certified Financial Planner who is also a Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA).

The only people who call themselves “financial planners” are those who are not licensed. It is a generic term. Often, it means the “financial planner” is able to sell insurance, and that’s all. Becoming a Certified Financial Planner requires a bachelor’s degree, plus specialized curriculum that takes eighteen months to two years to complete. Candidates currently sit for a seven-hour comprehensive test. A CDFA is licensed by the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts (IDFA), has additional training, is expert in the financial aspects of the divorce code in their state, and is subject to oversight. Divorce financial planning is a process, not a product. It focuses on a specific life transition encompassing the divorce and life afterward.

Often “divorce planners” will offer their services to do financial planning, but with strings attached: For example, you may agree to engage them later to manage any investments (brokerage accounts, 401Ks) or proceeds you might receive postdivorce. Such an arrangement might create a conflict of interest. This might result in the adviser designing the outcome so there are assets to manage, as opposed to the best result for a client (for example, keeping your house). Focusing solely on the divorce process, rather than on the potential of asset management, avoids this conflict.

Divorce financial planning is not forensic accounting, which investigates the past and is used to determine the value of assets, such as a business or other investments. It’s a forward-looking process that focuses on lifestyle issues relevant to divorce: For example, divorce financial planners consider respective postseparation financial needs; the paying abilities of the parties; division of assets; and the financial workability of potential outcomes.

Anyone can call themselves anything, but it’s worth your time and safety to understand the level of professionals who are on your team. Your divorce attorney undergoes continuing legal education to maintain his or her license. Likewise, you want a divorce financial planner who does, too.

QUESTIONS TO ASK BEFORE HIRING A DIVORCE FINANCIAL ADVISER

• When did you receive your certification as a CFP, CDFA, or CPA? This is an indicator of experience.

• Do you have a specific background in taxation or accounting? You definitely want your financial planner to understand the tax implications of dividing your assets. This can make an enormous difference in the decision-making and planning process.

• How many divorce cases have you completed? Another indicator of experience.

• Do you have experience in complex property divisions, and if so, will you illustrate multiple scenarios? Many divorce financial planners have software available that allows them to run various property-division scenarios, which can be used to evaluate the best approach for negotiating division of assets during divorce.

• Are you familiar with calculations regarding employee stock options, restricted stock, and/or executive compensation? This is critical if these assets are at issue in your divorce.

• Can I see a sample of the written divorce financial plan you provide to your clients? If the planner is qualified, they should be able to provide you with exemplars of the work they have done in this area.

• When was the last time you testified in court? While you may not need your financial planner to testify in court, it is an indicator of experience.

• Are your credentials or licensing subject to review by government or regulatory agencies? The answer should be yes.

• Do you have any disciplinary events, suspensions, or violations on your record under this or any other name? The answer should be no.

• Are you currently licensed and in compliance with all appropriate governing regulatory agencies? The answer should be yes.

Establish and Build Your Credit

If you are employed and/or already have credit cards in your name, the process of building your credit will be relatively straightforward. Use your credit cards regularly, pay off the balance on time each month, and your credit score will rise. However, if you’re not employed and don’t already have a credit history in your name, or if your credit is lousy, the process is not as simple. New federal regulations are making it more difficult than ever for women with little or no income to establish credit on their own, so prepare yourself for the possibility that securing credit or improving it could be somewhat time-consuming and is likely to require more than simply filling out an application or making a single phone call.

To have a FICO score, for example, you need at least one account that’s been open six months or longer, and you need at least one creditor reporting your activity to the credit bureaus in the last six months. (A VantageScore, from FICO’s biggest competitor, can be generated more quickly.)

Several tools can help you establish a credit history: secured credit cards, a credit-builder loan, a co-signed credit card or loan, or authorized user status on another person’s credit card. Whichever you choose, make sure you use credit in a way that will eventually earn you a good credit score.

Five Ways to Establish Credit

APPLY FOR A SECURED CREDIT CARD

If you’re building your credit score from scratch, you’ll likely need to start with a secured credit card. A secured card is backed by a cash deposit you make upfront; the deposit amount is usually the same as your credit limit. You then use the card like any other credit card: Buy things, make a payment on a bill, and incur interest if you don’t pay your balance in full. Your cash deposit is used as collateral if you fail to make payments. You’ll receive your deposit back when you close the account.

Secured credit cards aren’t meant to be used forever. The purpose of a secured card is to build your credit enough to qualify for an unsecured card — a card without a deposit and with better benefits. Choose a secured card with a low annual fee and make sure it reports to all three credit bureaus: Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion. NerdWallet (www.nerdwallet.com) regularly reviews and ranks secured credit card options.

APPLY FOR A CREDIT-BUILDER LOAN

A credit-builder loan is exactly what it sounds like — its sole purpose is to help people build credit. Typically, the money you borrow is held by the lender in an account and not released to you until the loan is repaid. It’s a forced savings program of sorts, and your payments are reported to credit bureaus. These loans are most often offered by credit unions or community banks.

GET A CO-SIGNER

It’s also possible to get a loan or an unsecured credit card using a co-signer. But be sure that you and the co-signer understand that the co-signer is on the hook for the full amount owed if you don’t pay.

BECOME AN AUTHORIZED USER ON SOMEONE ELSE’S CREDIT CARD

A family member may be willing to add you as an authorized user on his or her card. As an authorized user, you’ll enjoy access to a credit card and you’ll build credit history, but you aren’t legally obligated to pay for your charges.

Ask the primary cardholder to find out whether the card issuer reports authorized user activity to the credit bureaus. That activity generally is reported, but you’ll want to make sure — otherwise your credit-building efforts may be wasted.

You should come to an agreement on how you’ll use the card before you’re added as an authorized user. If the primary cardholder expects you to pay your share, make sure you do so even though you aren’t legally obligated.

GET CREDIT FOR THE RENT YOU PAY

Rent-reporting services such as RentTrack (www.renttrack.com) and Rental Kharma (www.rentalkharma.com) take a bill you are already paying and put it on your credit report, helping to build a positive history of on-time payments. Not every credit score takes these payments into account, but some do, and that may be enough to get a loan or credit card that firmly establishes your credit history for all lenders.

Build Your Credit Score with Good Habits

Building a good credit score takes time, probably at least six months of on-time payments. Practice these good credit habits to build your score and show that you’re creditworthy:

• Make 100 percent of your payments on time, not only with credit accounts but also with other accounts, such as utility bills. Bills that go unpaid may be sold to a collection agency, which will seriously hurt your credit.

• Keep your credit card debt low. If possible, pay your balance in full each month, but if you do carry a balance from month to month, don’t let your debt balance exceed 30 percent of your credit limit.

• Avoid opening too many new accounts at once; new accounts lower your average account age, which makes up part of your credit score.

• Keep accounts open for as long as possible. Unless one of your unused cards has an annual fee, you should keep them all open and active for the sake of your length of payment history and credit utilization.

Check Your Credit Reports and Scores

As you take steps to build your credit, check your credit reports and score regularly. You’re entitled to one free credit report every twelve months from each of the three bureaus. You can also get your reports at AnnualCreditReport.com.

Your credit reports don’t contain credit scores, but you can get them in several ways. Here are some free options:

• Several credit card issuers — including Discover, Citi, and Barclaycard US — print your FICO score on your monthly statements and allow you to access it online. Discover goes one step further and offers a free FICO score to everyone, not just customers, at Credit Scorecard (www.creditscorecard.com).

• A few lenders — including Hyundai, Kia, Pentagon Federal, and Sallie Mae — also provide borrowers with ongoing access to their scores.

• Some websites offer free credit scores online, though they are typically VantageScores, rather than FICOs. But a good score on one scale is generally reflective of a good score on the other.

• Capital One offers a free VantageScore to anyone, cardholder or not (https://creditwise.capitalone.com).

Be Your Own Boss

If you are serious about taking back your power, there is simply no better way to do it than to start your own business. Given the new economic reality of our time, more people than ever have found that the “job” they thought was waiting for them doesn’t exist. If you have been out of the workforce for any significant period of time, you may realize that in order to have the flexibility you desire and the work you love after your divorce, you will need to create work that fits your needs.

Of course, if you are in the middle of a divorce, it probably isn’t the right time to start a new business. However, it is a good time to think about it and plan for it. If you want to maximize your independence in your new life, brainstorm now about what it will take to launch your own business. That way, when you negotiate the divorce settlement, you can get what you need. It is never too early to lay the groundwork so that when the divorce decree is final, you are ready to go. See chapter 5, “Launch Your Own Business” (page 131), for more advice.

It doesn’t matter what the motivation is to be your own boss. Many women have found out that it is very possible to earn what they need and enjoy themselves while doing it when they start their own business. Role models abound. As a mother of three, Melissa Kieling struggled finding a product to keep her kids’ lunches cool and safe until lunchtime. So she patented the idea for a lunch bag with a freezable gel built into its lining — and that idea grew into PackIt Personal Cooler. Five years later, PackIt had grown into a $14-million business with products that spanned the lunch, wine, baby, picnic, and shopping categories and with distribution that included more than forty countries internationally.

Don’t let inexperience stop you. Melissa’s business résumé was basically limited to school bake sales. At first, not knowing which steps to take nearly paralyzed her with fear. She overcame this by reaching out to other business owners who could connect her to experts in manufacturing, production, and sales. Each key person she met shortened her learning curve and gave her confidence.

Nusha Pelicano is a single mother, an IRONMAN competitor, and a franchisee with Orange Leaf, the frozen-yogurt company. Pelicano opened her first Orange Leaf location in 2010. Today, she has five locations and another store on the way. As these women will attest, starting your own business is a surefire way to create freedom and independence in your new life. Here are the steps to get started.

Take a Stand for Yourself

Change can only occur when you make a conscious decision to make it happen. I was not naturally entrepreneurial. I spent my career working for a large corporate law firm, until it imploded during the recession. What seemed like a catastrophic event was one of the best things to happen to me, in that it forced me to go out on my own and start my own law firm. This in turn brought me independence and the good fortune to find my voice assisting other women who are navigating divorce. Decide now that you will not blame your ex, the economy, or anyone for your situation. Rather, use this opportunity to create something that will meet an unmet need. When you do this, abundance naturally follows.

Brainstorm

Give yourself permission to explore. Be willing to look at different facets of yourself (your personality, social style, age) and listen to your intuition. We tend to ignore intuition even though deep down we often know the truth. Ask yourself, “What gives me energy even when I’m tired?” How do you know what business is “right” for you? There are three common approaches to entrepreneurship:

• Do what you know: Look at work you have done for others in the past and think about how you could package those skills and offer them as your own services or products.

• Do what others do: Learn about other businesses that interest you. Identify businesses you like and what you like about them.

• Solve a common problem: Is there a gap in the market? Is there a service or product you would like to bring to market? (Note: This is the highest risk of the three approaches.) If you choose to do this, make sure that you become a student and gain knowledge first before you spend any money.

Start Planning Now

Most people don’t plan, but planning will help you gain clarity, focus, and confidence. Start planning now, so that when the divorce decree is finalized, you are ready to go. As you write down your goals, strategies, and action steps, your business becomes real. For now, ask yourself the following questions:

• What am I building?

• Who will I serve?

• What is the promise I am making to my customers/clients and to myself?

• What are my objectives, strategies, and action steps to achieve my goals?

SELL BY CREATING VALUE

Even though we purchase products and services every day, people don’t want to be “sold.” Focus on serving others. The more people you serve, the more money you will make. When considering your customers or clients, ask yourself:

• What can I give them?

• How can I make them successful in their own pursuits?

This approach can help lead you to new ways to hone your product or service and deliver more value, which your customers will appreciate. When you are ready to turn your brainstorming into a business plan, turn to chapter 5, “Launch Your Own Business” (page 131).

How and When to Tell Children You Are Divorcing

Many studies show that, as you might expect and may fear, children of divorced parents can develop into adults with lower self-esteem and more depression and anxiety compared to children who were raised by both parents. However, what studies also show, and what I emphasize with my clients, is that children are not typically damaged by divorce in and of itself. Rather, how parents handle the divorce, their conflicts, and their own emotions are what make the difference in how well children handle this difficult situation. Or as I like to say: Divorce is not damaging to children, conflict is.

No matter their age, a child’s primary need is to feel safe and loved. Children struggle during divorce when they feel their security threatened. Of course, a divorce is upsetting for everyone, particularly for immediate family; to a degree, this can’t be avoided. But similar to how you set the tone of a divorce by the way you notify your spouse, you set the tone for your children by the way that you inform them. I discuss this further in chapter 3, “Be the Grown-Up — Protect Your Children from Conflict” (page 76). Here I focus mostly on the first announcement.