Читать книгу The Divorce Hacker's Guide to Untying the Knot - Ann E. Grant - Страница 9
ОглавлениеPreparing to Get What You Need
“A crisis is a gift, an opportunity, and perhaps a manifestation that life loves us, by beckoning us to go beyond the dance we presently perform.”
— Leslie Lebeau
As soon as you learn that your marriage is in trouble, take some key steps to protect yourself. While you may be hoping that things will work out, there is simply no substitute for being prepared in the event that they don’t. Do not be lulled into complacency if you are working with a marriage counselor or clergy in an effort to save your marriage; don’t expect that things will somehow magically get better if you wait long enough for your husband to “come around.” While it’s fine to hope for the best, you need to prepare for the worst.
In the legal system, knowledge is power and money is key. Set aside money and gather information now, before you or your husband file for divorce, so that you are in the driver’s seat when it happens. Once the divorce is filed, everyone retreats to their separate corners, and it becomes much more difficult and costly to obtain the information and the money you need. The odds are high that, if your husband is anticipating divorce, he is already taking action to prevent you from accessing your money. I see this happen in virtually every divorce case I handle.
I had a client, Cecilia, who is a perfect case in point. Cecilia fell in love with Jeff, a handsome professional athlete, and they married when she was young. She became pregnant shortly after they married, and since Jeff traveled frequently with his team, she stayed home with first one baby, then two. When Jeff’s career as a player ended, he became a coach for a professional sports team in Los Angeles. He made good money, and their family had a great life. Cecilia didn’t have to work and devoted herself to raising the kids and enjoying the perks of being a coach’s wife.
But then came the signs and the alarm bells — which Cecilia chose to ignore. Even after Jeff left the home and was openly having an affair with another woman, Cecilia believed that everything would be fine and that Jeff would “do the right thing.” She remained in denial, hoping that Jeff would return to the family. Despite all the signs that her marriage was ending, Cecilia did nothing to prepare for the inevitable, until it all came to a screeching halt. One day, Cecilia and the kids arrived home from dinner while Jeff was traveling with the team. When they pulled into the garage, they found it empty. Their teenage son’s Jeep was gone. They frantically called the police. Only after the police located Jeff, driving the Jeep, did the family realize what had happened: Jeff had returned early from the trip, loaded the Jeep with his belongings, cleaned out the joint checking account, and taken off. When Cecilia arrived at my office, she had $238 in her bank account. Jeff had taken over $300,000 from the joint account and transferred it to a separate account of his own — so she couldn’t hire a lawyer.
In my work, Cecilia’s story is not an isolated incident. Inevitably, as I unwind each woman’s story, I find that financial infidelity often accompanies sexual infidelity. And virtually every woman is stunned to discover this. Don’t let this happen to you. Take the following steps now to protect yourself and your children, and do not be naïve. Your husband may have pledged to look out for your best interests financially and otherwise during your marriage, but when your marriage is in trouble, it is up to you to arm yourself with money and information so that you have an edge. These are the first steps to take control of your future.
DIVORCE HACKS
You will need funds to retain a lawyer and support yourself for several months until you can either negotiate support or obtain a court order. Take these steps to set aside the financial resources you need.
OPEN A BANK ACCOUNT IN YOUR NAME
Open this account at a different bank than the one where you and your husband share a joint account.
SET ASIDE MONEY FOR LIVING EXPENSES AND TO HIRE AN ATTORNEY
Did you know that you can take half the money out of your joint account and put it in a separate account in your own name if you live in one of the nine community-property states like California? You may not want to take out half the money all at once because it will alert your spouse to your intentions, and it may cause checks to bounce. At first, take out smaller amounts and put them in your new account, so that when the time comes, you can hire an attorney and cover your living costs for several months.
INSIDER TIP
In community-property states, assets earned and acquired during the marriage are split 50/50. There are nine community-property states: Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, and Wisconsin.
SECURE YOUR ASSETS
During a divorce, I’ve seen valuable wine collections disappear, coin collections go missing, and money evaporate. Do not be surprised when your husband tells the judge that he has no idea what happened to the silver coins your grandfather left you — and the judge shrugs and moves on. Take steps now to protect what is yours; remove or hide valuable items. It is much easier to return items you have removed in order to protect them than it is to locate items someone else has spirited away.
INSIDER TIP
Most states follow equitable distribution laws. In these states, property will be divided between the spouses in a fair and equitable manner. There is no set rule in determining who receives what or how much. The court considers a variety of factors. For example, the court may look at the relative earning contributions of the spouses, the value of one spouse staying at home or raising the children, and the earning potential of each. A spouse can receive between one-third and two-thirds of the marital property.
CHECK YOUR CREDIT SCORE
You need to build your own credit. Few numbers in life matter as much to your financial outlook and well-being as your credit score (known as the FICO score). A good credit score is crucial for financial success. It is one factor used by lenders to determine your creditworthiness for a mortgage, loan, or credit card. Your score can affect whether you are approved for credit and the interest rate you are charged. Prospective employers often check your credit score when you interview for a job. It is important to know what your credit score is and to improve it if it’s not in the “good” range.
The three major credit-reporting agencies are Equifax, Experian, and TransUnion. You need to check your score with each agency because your score may differ between them. This is because some lenders report to all three credit agencies, but others do not. Since your credit report can contain errors that adversely affect your score, you need to check all three to make certain that they are accurately reporting. Further, in 2017, Equifax suffered a major data breach, so if you have a credit report with them, check out the Federal Trade Commission’s website for what to do.
You can easily access your score online for free and track your credit-building progress on sites such as CreditKarma.com or AnnualCreditReport.com. A “good” credit score is generally considered to be 720 or higher. Lenders, however, have different standards for what they consider to be a good credit score, and so it is important to keep building your score to receive the most favorable interest rates and the highest rates of credit approval. Later, I’ll provide concrete tips for building your credit. For now, simply take the first step to find out what your credit score is.
OPEN TWO CREDIT CARDS IN YOUR OWN NAME
You need to be the primary cardholder on at least two credit cards, if possible. You can have a wallet full of credit cards, but if your husband is the primary cardholder and you are the secondary, he can cancel those cards without your permission. So get at least two cards in your name now, while you can use your combined credit score to get approved. Once you are divorced, it may be harder to get credit in your own name if you don’t have substantial income of your own.
When you meet with your attorney, he or she will ask for your financial documents. Save yourself time and money by collecting these documents now.
GATHER AND COPY ALL FINANCIAL DOCUMENTS, EVEN THOSE IN YOUR SPOUSE’S NAME
Copy anything with a dollar sign attached to it, such as bank accounts, investments, and retirement plans. Many women tell me their husband insists he is going to keep “his” 401K or pension. Wrong. If you live in a community-property state, half of any pension or retirement fund earned by your husband during the marriage is yours. If you live in an equitable property state, you are entitled to your fair share of his 401K or pension. Here is a checklist of documents your lawyer will want when you meet:
• Employment information: Paycheck stubs for you and your spouse for the last twelve months (or at least the last three months to the current date).
• Tax returns: Include the last three years of state and federal income tax returns.
• Pension and retirement programs: Copies of 401Ks, investment programs, stock, stock options, and bonds provided through the employer for you and/or your spouse.
• Insurance: Documents regarding insurance provided through the employer for you and/or your spouse.
• Real property: Deeds showing the legal description of any real property owned individually or jointly with your spouse, escrow papers from the time of purchase, current mortgage statements, current real property tax statements, homeowners or fire insurance policies on all real properties, and tax assessor’s statements.
• Stock portfolio: List of corporate stocks and/or stock certificates owned by you and your spouse, individually or jointly, and the name and address of stock broker(s).
• Cars, boats, trailers: Copies of pink and registration slips, encumbrance (what’s owed), and monthly payments.
• Life insurance: Current policies with statements of any loans against them.
• Promissory notes and/or deeds of trust: Copies of such records that name you and your spouse as beneficiaries.
• Credit cards and loans: Credit cards; creditor’s statements showing names, address, account numbers, and balances presently owed, plus creditor’s statements showing balances owed at separation date; financial statements of net worth prepared by you or your spouse to secure bank loans or for any other purpose; and any other information that will help establish your net worth individually or jointly, for you and your spouse.
• Household furniture and furnishings: Take pictures of significant items with your opinion of the estimated value. You may be asked to list those items that you wish to keep and those that you wish to give to your spouse.
• Bank or credit union accounts: Most recent statements showing balances, particularly at date of separation, held in individual or joint names, savings passbooks, and certificates of deposit.
• Wills or trusts
• Written agreements: Premarital written agreements with spouse.
INSIDER TIP
After filing for divorce, husbands often provide only a fraction of what they legally owe as a tactical maneuver to force their spouse to accept a settlement that is less than what she is legally entitled to. It can take time to retain counsel and get to court to obtain what you need. Take steps now to protect yourself.
IF YOUR SPOUSE OWNS A BUSINESS, COPY FINANCIAL INFORMATION ABOUT THE BUSINESS
You must prove your husband’s income to obtain support, and it is more difficult to establish cash flow for a spouse who is self-employed than one who receives a W-2. If your spouse is self-employed, he will probably understate his earnings and overstate his business expenses to decrease what he owes in spousal and child support. Before the divorce is filed, obtain whatever information you can about the business and its finances. Your lawyer will want the following:
• Corporate or partnership federal and state income tax returns for the past three years.
• Copies of recent financial statements prepared to apply for credit or business loans of any kind.
DOCUMENT YOUR MONTHLY BUDGET FOR HOUSEHOLD EXPENSES
Gather information on all household expenses, for you and your children, including mortgage/rent, property taxes, homeowner’s fees, car payment, insurance (home, car, medical, and life), utilities, personal expenditures, travel, education expenses, health care, and so on — everything, in other words, that you spend to maintain your standard of living on a monthly basis. This information will determine the amount of child and spousal support you will receive or pay. I recommend that for expenses that fluctuate (like the water and gas bill), you gather expenditures over the past twelve months and divide each category by twelve. It is important to include everything, since once support is ordered, getting it modified is costly and time-consuming, and can only be accomplished in certain circumstances. For example, if you do not include the expense for the children’s summer camps in your calculation before the divorce is final, you may have difficulty getting your ex-husband to share that expense after the divorce.
Know the Three Ways to Get Divorced
In order to get what you want in your divorce, it is imperative that you understand the different ways you can get divorced and select the best path for you. Understanding the pros and cons of each method will enable you to make an informed decision that will alleviate stress and save you time and money. There is a movement toward resolving divorce through mediation and collaboration, rather than litigation, which is generally a very good thing. However, if you take the mediation route, it is extremely important that you understand your rights, so that you get what you need and are legally entitled to. Many women enter mediation assuming their rights will be protected — but that is not the case if you are not represented by an attorney.
WISE WOMEN KNOW
What you agree to in your divorce may be the most important financial decision of your life.
Recently I received a call from a panicked woman with four young children who finalized her divorce through the mediation process. In doing so, she gave away many of her rights just to obtain “peace.” Right after the divorce was finalized, she learned that her husband had had another child with his girlfriend while the mediation was under way! She was furious and wanted to “undo” the divorce. But sadly, it was too late.
Consider the following ways to get divorced and decide which makes the most sense for you.
Mediation
In mediation, you and your spouse meet with a mediator (usually an attorney or a retired judge) who will help you work toward settling the issues in your divorce — property division; division of debts; spousal support; and custody, visitation, and child support if you have children. Mediation is a voluntary process where the parties work with a neutral mediator to try to resolve their disputes without court hearings or a trial. Mediators help the parties work out voluntary agreements that promote individual and common interests through understanding and cooperation. Mediation is generally less contentious, less expensive, and sometimes less time-consuming than obtaining a divorce through the legal system.
However, not every divorce can be mediated. A couple of prerequisites must be met for mediation to work. First, both you and your spouse must be able to set aside your emotions and treat the divorce like the dissolution of a business partnership. And second, you both must be willing to cooperate and compromise. If there is too much acrimony or either of you are unable to work cooperatively toward a reasonable compromise, then mediation will not work. If one person is incapable of being reasonable or is using the process to stall or to vent their emotions, then mediation is a waste of time. Sometimes the parties must blow off some steam before they can mediate; therefore, the timing of when to engage in mediation is very important.
INSIDER TIP
Even if you mediate, you should consider retaining an attorney to advise you along the way.
The mediator’s neutrality means she or he does not represent either you or your spouse. The mediator is looking for ways for both parties to compromise, to meet in the middle, and if either person is unwilling, mediation will probably not work.
Frequently, in divorces where the husband is the primary breadwinner, he is eager to mediate because he knows that if his spouse is not represented, he can wear her down through the negotiations. I am often sought out by husbands to advise them in advance of and during mediation to help them obtain what they want. Do not assume that the mediator is looking out for your best interests and that your husband is unrepresented. This can be a trap for the unwary.
Some mediators will have you and your spouse meet in the same room and work with you toward resolution. This process may be frustrating and nonproductive if you feel you cannot be in the same room as your spouse. As one client told me after dropping out of the mediation process, “If I could sit in a room with my husband and work things out, I wouldn’t be getting divorced.”
Mediation is completely voluntary. If the mediator makes recommendations that you do not agree with, you can stop the mediation and have an attorney represent you. Many couples try mediation because they assume it will be less costly and contentious, but for a variety of reasons, mediation can fail, and couples end up hiring attorneys to handle their divorce.
A common complaint is that the mediator is “ineffective” because she or he does not move the case along or push the other side to settle. Remember, the mediator is neutral and does not represent you or your spouse. Also, the mediator is looking for ways to get you and your spouse to compromise. Plus, since mediators do not go to court, if your spouse stalls as a tactic (which unfortunately happens often), there are no “teeth” to compel compliance or move things along. Many people find mediation to be frustrating, time-consuming, and expensive, and they end up hiring a lawyer when their divorce drags on indefinitely because their spouse refuses to settle and the mediator is powerless.
The Collaborative Approach
The collaborative approach involves a team approach where the parties agree to cooperate with one or more attorneys and advisers (such as accountants, appraisers, child-custody professionals, and therapists) to resolve their differences and develop positive communication skills for future contact. Through the collaborative process, the parties reach voluntary agreements on all of the issues in their case without court hearings or trial. This can minimize the impact of conflict on you and your children, and it provides greater support than mediation, since both you and your spouse are represented by attorneys and a team of other professionals during the process. If you and your spouse are able to work collaboratively, you can create personal solutions that are right for your family, maintain decision-making with you and your spouse, and preserve your privacy.
INSIDER TIP
You cannot use your collaborative attorney to go to court if the collaborative process fails. Collaborative attorneys sign an agreement that they will not go to court. If the collaborative process does not work out, you have to hire a new attorney. If your spouse is not a good candidate for collaboration, it could end up being more expensive to achieve your desired result.
This approach is desirable if you have children, if you place a high priority on continued positive communication with your spouse following the divorce, and if the marital assets can be easily accounted for. However, it can be costly because there are more professionals involved, and if one spouse wants to drag things out or is unwilling to collaborate, your case can get bogged down, since there are no enforceable deadlines (unlike traditional litigation). If your spouse is untrustworthy and is not forthcoming regarding his income or assets, collaboration can be a trap.
If you do not have minor children or you prefer less contact with your spouse, then the added expense and effort of collaboration may not be worth it. Like mediation, the process is voluntary and nonbinding. So if you are unhappy at any point in the process, you can hire an attorney (who must be different from your collaborative attorney).
Like mediation, the collaborative process can be abused because the lawyers sign an agreement that they will not go to court. A husband who is hiding assets or minimizing income may use the collaborative process to his advantage. The lawyers cannot take discovery to uncover the hidden assets or establish a spouse’s earning capacity and must rely upon whatever the parties voluntarily provide regarding their finances.
The following example illustrates the problems that can arise when one spouse is hiding assets and the parties are “collaborating.” I was once asked to represent a wife, Charlene, when her collaborative case fell apart after six years. During this time, Charlene used much of her inherited savings to support herself and the children, while her husband, Richard, was transferring and hiding millions of dollars from the family businesses to offshore accounts. Throughout this period, Charlene and Richard were meeting regularly with their “collaborative” team of lawyers, accountants, and therapists, who were presumably helping them to arrive at an acceptable settlement while “keeping the peace.” At the end of six years, when Charlene was about to run out of her inherited savings, Richard and his attorney tried to force her to accept a settlement that was a tiny fraction of what she was entitled to. Because they were in the “collaborative” process, Charlene’s attorney could not take Richard’s deposition or subpoena bank records to uncover the fraud. Charlene had to hire me and a new forensic accountant to get what she was entitled to.
Understand that the “collaborative” process is only as trustworthy as the people who are using it and that the lawyers are limited in what they can do to protect you because their hands are tied.
Traditional Litigation
Traditional litigation gets a bad rap for a variety of reasons. It can be costly, and litigation is uncertain. A virtual stranger — the judge — makes binding decisions on life-changing matters concerning you and your children. Sadly, the process can be abused by certain “professionals” who earn their living billing by the hour and who benefit by dragging out your case. Some take unnecessary actions to pad their bill.
However, many divorces are simply not amenable to mediation or the collaborative approach — if, for example, one of the parties suffers from a mental disorder or addiction, is completely unwilling to be reasonable, or is stalling as a tactic. In these cases, traditional litigation is the answer. If that applies to you, it is imperative that you find a skilled and trustworthy advocate to represent you.
A good divorce attorney will go to court only when necessary and will maneuver the case into settlement mode as soon as possible. Hiring a lawyer does not mean that you will go to trial, but you have that option available in the event your spouse is completely unreasonable. Court-imposed deadlines will also move your case along, which is particularly advantageous if your spouse is delaying on purpose or you are concerned that he is dissipating assets.
When I represent a client in traditional litigation, I am looking out for her best interests and simultaneously looking for an opportunity to move the case into settlement mode — often using a retired judge to act as a mediator. This approach blends the best attributes of mediation and collaboration, but affords my client strong representation and protection of her rights. If you go down the traditional litigation path, these are the attributes you want. Below and in chapter 2, I provide the secrets for finding a winning attorney.
Begin building your divorce team. Whether you mediate, collaborate, or go the traditional route, in most cases you will want to hire a good lawyer to advise you along the way. You will benefit from employing a team approach to your divorce. Think of it this way: When you married, you probably had a wedding planner, florist, caterer, hairdresser, DJ, and photographer. Your team made certain that everything came together according to your wishes on your wedding day.
Likewise, if you have assets and/or children, you will need a trusted team working together to obtain what you want. Your team may include an attorney, financial adviser, tax adviser (probably not the same adviser you currently use for your family), and therapist (for both you and your children). You do not need to get all these professionals on board immediately, but it is smart to begin taking steps to locate the right professionals.
The risks of not doing this right away are huge. I had a client, Patricia, who had been married for thirty-four years. Patricia, her husband, and their four children were the picture of the “perfect” family. Her husband was a successful businessman who was also a leader in their church. During their marriage, Patricia focused on raising the family and doing charitable work, while her husband built his multimillion-dollar real estate business. Their marriage began to crumble when the children left home for college and Patricia realized that she was unfulfilled.
Patricia trusted her husband to divide everything up fairly, so she didn’t retain a lawyer. Because he was a devout church leader and had always handled the finances, she assumed that he would do the right thing and she would be taken care of. She ended up in my office after she signed a marital settlement agreement dividing the assets and setting spousal support, which her husband prepared. He convinced her to accept spousal support of $4,000 per month, terminating after ten years. She gave up her right to half his million-dollar pension, her interest in his business, and permanent spousal support of over $11,000 per month. In short, the churchgoing man she had been married to for over three decades and whom she trusted to look out for her best interests attempted to swindle her out of millions of dollars and her financial security. She finally realized, days before the judgment was entered, that she had given up her future financial security because she had trusted her husband. It took her months of energy and effort, not to mention tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees, to repair the damage and get what was due to her. Do not be naïve. Take steps to locate a good lawyer now.
Finding a good lawyer takes legwork. I suggest asking for referrals and then interviewing at least three divorce lawyers before deciding.
ASK YOUR DIVORCED FRIENDS FOR REFERRALS
An effective way to get information about the lawyers in your community is to ask divorced friends for referrals. Ask the following questions:
• How much did the attorney charge for a retainer (the amount to start the case), and how much did they charge per hour? You will know immediately whether you can afford to retain this lawyer. I am often asked how much it will cost to get divorced. It is impossible to quantify because it depends on how reasonable and how litigious the spouse is. But your lawyer can go to court and request that your husband pay your attorney’s fees (and forensic accountant’s fees) and costs. The court will insist upon evidence that your spouse has the resources to pay both his fees and yours before ordering him to do so. So keep these factors in mind when considering the expense of a lawyer.
• Did the lawyer return their calls and emails within twenty-four hours? You want a responsive attorney.
• How happy was your friend with the amount of support ordered and the division of assets? Happy clients are a good measure of an attorney’s skill.
• How did the lawyer handle issues concerning children? Some lawyers are skilled in this area, and others are not.
• How often did the lawyer go to court and were they effective in obtaining the relief sought? The best attorneys will attempt to resolve issues without going to court and will use court as a last resort, but they will have the skills to obtain what is necessary if the other side is unreasonable.
• Did the lawyer do a good job preparing your friend for court appearances? Court appearances can be emotionally difficult, and you are often put on the spot around a variety of topics. A good lawyer helps clients know what might be coming and how to answer tough questions.
• Will the lawyer allow you to negotiate directly with your husband? Some lawyers will discourage this because they don’t want the case to end. Timing is key here, but if your lawyer has done a good job setting the “guardrails” in the case (for example, had an early victory obtaining temporary support), sometimes a deal can be struck between the parties, without the lawyers’ involvement.
• Did the lawyer send a monthly bill that was easy to understand and in the range anticipated? If not, how did the lawyer handle questions about the bill?
• Does the lawyer have a paralegal or assistant who will handle the clerical tasks at a lower rate than the attorney? This will decrease your legal bill, but still get the job done.
• How long did the divorce take? Most divorces can be finalized in a year or less. If all the attorney’s cases take years to resolve, the lawyer may be dragging them out unnecessarily.
INSIDER TIP
Do not assume that because an attorney charges more or has a fancy office that he or she is a better attorney. Not necessarily so. They may only be better at taking your money!
ASK YOUR THERAPIST FOR REFERRALS
Therapists are an excellent resource for attorney referrals. Their clients often find themselves needing to get divorced, and many therapists will keep a referral list of lawyers and mediators. Usually they will refer you to someone who can be trusted to resolve matters when feasible, rather than ramping up the litigation to pad their bill.
MAKE APPOINTMENTS TO INTERVIEW THREE DIVORCE LAWYERS
When making appointments, give yourself enough time to gather all the financial documents described above (or that the attorney requests). You want to bring these to review at the first meeting.
It can be frightening to face divorce and a potential reduction of income. Especially if you have been out of the workforce raising a family, so much will have changed that the idea of supporting yourself can be immobilizing. The way to deal with this is to 1) hire a good attorney who can get you the time and resources you need to create or obtain the job you want, and 2) consider your ability to earn in the new economy, which may be far greater than you think and provide needed flexibility. Even for my clients who have taken time off to raise their children, there are many opportunities available today to work from home, earn good money, and still be available to your kids. In the chapters that follow, I provide concrete steps to help you create work that meets your needs and suits your lifestyle, including starting your own business.
INSIDER TIP
“Imputed income” is income that you are not earning but that a judge determines you are capable of earning. This is offset against any support you receive.
Clients often ask whether they should delay working or quit their jobs to reduce their income during a divorce. Since both your and your spouse’s incomes are used to calculate support, this is a valid concern. Strategy is important here. It is a mistake to assume that you will get adequate support from your husband to take care of you for the rest of your life in the manner to which you have become accustomed. Support is generally ordered in an amount and for a length of time that allows you to become self-supporting. If you do not work or are underemployed, and if you are healthy and able, the judge will likely order you to undergo a vocational examination to determine how much money you are capable of earning, and the judge will deduct that income from what you will get when making the support determination. Choosing not to work if you can work will probably backfire.
My own case illustrates how strategy matters when considering your work as you face divorce. I had worked as an attorney at a large corporate law firm, but I had taken several years off to raise our children. During the recession, my law firm dissolved, so going back to work there was not an option. However, I knew that if I didn’t have a job when I went to court, the judge would impute the income that I could earn as a lawyer at a corporate firm and deduct that phantom income when determining how much support I would receive from my husband. Before heading to court, I began working as a legal writing teacher at one of the local law schools, and I earned a small income from that. I also took on contract work for a couple of local attorneys, which I could do remotely from home. This allowed me to be available to my children, while also getting back to work and brushing up on my skills. When the judge made the support determination, he used the income I was currently earning, which was far less than what I had earned as a corporate lawyer at a large law firm — and far less than what I knew I would go on to earn later. This strategy worked because I received more support than I would have received if I hadn’t gone back to work. Most importantly, I was also on my way to earning what I needed in order to support myself and my children, which is the key to financial freedom and independence.
CONSIDER YOUR EDUCATION AND WORK HISTORY
The first step to your financial independence is to objectively evaluate the skills you developed in the past that you can use now to get back to work. Over the next months, you will obtain additional education or training if needed, work on your résumé, and build a network to find or create the right job. Right now, brainstorm about your skill set and how it matches up with the current work environment. Envision what you want to be doing five years from now so that you can get what you need to make that goal a reality.
MATCH YOUR SKILLS TO THE CURRENT LABOR MARKET
How can you apply your education and skills to today’s labor market? There are so many opportunities to work remotely now. How can you use your skills to create a job for yourself that suits your current needs? For example, if you have school-age children, can you work from home so that you can be available to them when they arrive home from school? A client had taught school in Mexico before getting married and moving to the United States. She tutored local kids who needed help with Spanish and eventually grew her stay-at-home business into a successful enterprise employing several other tutors, whom she supervised. Another client worked in the health-care industry brokering insurance contracts for a large company. After she finalized her divorce, she set up her own online insurance brokering business using her skills and contacts. What can you create that will give you the income you need and the flexibility to live the life you want to live? Brainstorm now, and later chapters will provide specific steps and tools to turn that dream into a reality.
CONSIDER ADDITIONAL EDUCATION AND TRAINING
If you have been out of the workforce for a lengthy period, do you need education and/or training to bring your skills up-to-date? I had a client who had been a speech therapist for fifteen years before she stopped working to raise two children. She did some research and learned that it would take a year and approximately $3,500 for her to obtain the necessary certifications to begin working again as a speech therapist. We used that information to negotiate adequate support to give her the time and resources she needed to get back to work in a career that she was passionate about. Search your previous areas of expertise online to determine whether additional certifications and education are required to get back to work.
NETWORK TO MAKE CONNECTIONS
There is no substitute for networking. When you are getting back to work, it requires a certain vulnerability to let people know that you are looking, especially if you have been out of the workforce for a while — but the rewards are huge. Take the risk. My story is illustrative. I got divorced during a recession, and law firms were not hiring — they were firing. I knew that I would not be able to earn a living as I had in the past. I began making lunch and coffee dates with anyone I could think of who might have contacts in the legal community, so that I could get the word out that I wanted to get back to work. Through a series of those lunches and coffees, I was connected to the dean of a local law school. I expressed a desire to teach, something I hadn’t done before. A few weeks later, on New Year’s Day, the dean emailed me that one of the legal writing teachers was ill and couldn’t teach that semester. He asked if I would step in. I did — one week before classes began. Although it was scary, I loved it. It took me out of my comfort zone, I learned I could do it, and I enjoyed being of service to the students — a win-win situation. You never know what opportunities are out there until you ask and show up. Take these steps now to get the word out that you are interested in getting back to work:
• Set up coffee or lunch with three friends to brainstorm about your skill set and explore what opportunities are available.
• End each meeting by asking each friend to recommend one other person you might speak with.
• Make sure to send thank-you notes or emails to people who meet with you and remind them to provide any other helpful contacts.
• On your computer or in a notebook, keep track of those you meet with and the outcome of each discussion. Use this document to add contacts, phone numbers, and email addresses of anyone who may assist you as you build your network.
Recommended Resources for Finding Work You Love
• Richard Bolles, What Color Is Your Parachute? 2018: A Practical Manual for Job-Hunters and Career-Changers (Berkeley, CA: Ten Speed Press, 2017): This helpful manual shares proven tips for writing impressive résumés and cover letters, as well as guidance for effective networking, confident interviewing, and the best salary negotiating possible. But it goes beyond that by helping you to zero in on your ideal job — and guiding you toward fulfilling and prosperous work.
• Chris Guillebeau, Born for This: How to Find the Work You Were Meant to Do (New York: Crown Business, 2016): The intersection of joy, money, and flow is what Guillebeau will help you find in this book. Through inspiring stories of those who have successfully landed their dream career, as well as actionable tools, exercises, and thought experiments, he’ll guide you through today’s vast menu of career options to discover the work perfectly suited to your unique interests, skills, and experiences.
• Women for Hire (www.womenforhire.com): This site is geared to women returning to the workforce.
• PathSource (www.pathsource.com): Find a career, build a résumé, and post a job on this site.
• More (www.more.com/money/career-advice): A magazine roundup of career advice for women.
• DailyWorth (www.dailyworth.com): Financial advice geared to women.
Handling Issues Concerning Your Children
The greatest gift you can give your children now is your mindful awareness of how they are feeling. Children faced with divorce need to know that they are safe and loved, by both parents. Even if your husband is a louse, do not bad-mouth him in front of your children. It will backfire. And do not use your children as therapists, even if they seem capable of listening and giving good advice. That is what a therapist is for. Let your children be children, while you attend to grown-up tasks.
WISE WOMEN KNOW
You are only as happy as your least-happy child.
DOCUMENT ANY INSTANCES OF ABUSE
Judges consider domestic violence (against you or your children) when making custody orders. Keep a diary of any instances of physical, verbal, or emotional abuse of you or your children with specific reference to dates, times, places, and details of what happened. In the legal system, specificity is required to prove your case. General allegations of abuse will not meet the legal standard. Your lawyer will ask you to keep a written record if abuse is an issue in your case, so start now.
MAXIMIZE YOUR TIME WITH YOUR CHILDREN
Maximize your time with your children as you prepare for divorce. This is not only the right thing to do, it is the smart thing to do. Judges tend to enforce the status quo when making orders concerning custody and visitation and when ordering parenting plans, which means a judge is likely to maintain the parenting routine that is in place, absent abuse. So, before you file for divorce, implement the plan you want ordered. I had a client who changed her work schedule to allow her to work from home several days a week and spend more time with her five-year-old daughter. When the judge ordered the parenting plan, my client benefited greatly from the changes to her schedule that she implemented before filing for divorce.
INSIDER TIP
Dads often insist on more time with the kids when divorce is imminent. Why? Usually because the more time he spends with the kids, the less he will pay in child support. Set your desired time with the kids before you file for divorce, since most judges enforce the status quo.
It’s not necessary to explain to your boss that you are requesting the adjustment to your schedule because you are divorcing; rather, tell your boss that you will be more productive if you work from home on certain days. In today’s workplace, it is common to telecommute, and it is understood that it can increase productivity, particularly for parents of school-age children. Most employers recognize that telecommuting boosts productivity, performance, job satisfaction, and overall life satisfaction. You can use this to your advantage as you set the “status quo” and manage your work/life balance.
Consider Your Living Situation
If you are considering moving out of your home before filing for divorce, consult with an attorney first, since this can have significant financial implications and affect custody. Moving out constitutes the “date of separation” in many but not all states. The date of separation is typically defined as when spouses have come to a parting of the ways with no intention to continue the marriage. Although states vary as to how they define date of separation, the couple’s conduct must evidence a complete and final break in the marriage.
Up until the date of separation, a spouse may be entitled to the property acquired or share the debt incurred by the other spouse. The following example illustrates the importance of understanding the date of separation and how it can affect your finances. Mary’s husband was about to receive a multimillion-dollar bonus. After thirty-three years of marriage, he tapped her on the shoulder one morning and told her he was moving out. He received the bonus the next day. His lawyer claimed that because he had moved out, the bonus was his separate property. However, because he earned it before he moved out, Mary was entitled to half of it.
INSIDER TIP
If you want to keep the house after the divorce, you may want to consider refinancing to lower the mortgage payment, and if so, consider doing this before the divorce is finalized so that you can use your husband’s credit history, if it is good. He may agree to do this so that you and the children can remain in the family home.
The date of separation can determine when a spouse becomes responsible for child support and spousal support. For example, if a husband who earns all the household income moves out of the marital residence, a court can order him to pay temporary child support and alimony from the date he left. In some states, however, a spouse may only be eligible for child support or alimony after filing for divorce and asking for support.
Moving can also impact your custody rights. If you have young children and move out of the family home, it may be more difficult to get the parenting plan you want. Some judges tend to rule in favor of keeping the children in the family home with the parent who resides there, while the “out” parent gets visitation.
Learn the Fair Market Value of Your Home
You do not have to decide whether to keep or sell the family home right away. Whew! But your lawyer will ask for information to help you assess whether it makes sense to keep or sell the home. Familiarize yourself with the fair market value of your home, the amount of equity in the home, the monthly mortgage payment, and whether there is a home equity line of credit (HELOC) or a second mortgage on the home. If you do eventually decide to sell your home, you will want to get a formal appraisal (see “Get Appraised,” page 186), but you don’t need one at this point.
GO TO ZILLOW.COM TO QUICKLY ESTIMATE THE FAIR MARKET VALUE OF YOUR HOME
It’s easy to find out approximately what your home is worth on Zillow.com. While not as accurate as a formal appraisal, it is a quick-and-easy way to get an approximation of your home’s value. And it’s free!
CALCULATE THE ESTIMATED EQUITY IN YOUR HOME
Look at the last mortgage statement to see what is owed on the home. Subtract this from the home’s value on Zillow to obtain a rough estimate of equity.
FIGURE THE ESTIMATED MONTHLY PAYMENTS
The mortgage statement will provide the monthly mortgage payment. Add to this the HELOC or second mortgage payment to come up with the total monthly payment for the house. You will need this information to determine whether you can continue to make those payments if you keep the house or whether it makes sense to sell.
Even if your husband is not on the path to enlightenment, you can be conscious as you uncouple. Mindfulness during this time is essential. Whether you have decided to end your marriage or your husband has pulled the trigger, you are undoubtedly experiencing deep feelings of loss, anger, anxiety, and fear about the future. These negative emotions can come and go without warning — causing you to panic or shut down.
A daily mindfulness practice will ground you so that you can deal with what needs to be dealt with and not be overcome or derailed by strong, negative emotions. It will allow you to be present with whatever is happening, no matter what it is.
WISE WOMEN KNOW
“Life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it.”
— Charles R. Swindoll
In my case, my mindfulness practice literally saved my life as I presided over the demise of my marriage. Losing my husband was just the tip of the iceberg. The financial repercussions were devastating. It was the height of the 2008–2009 financial crisis, and both of our legal careers took a hit. We lost everything — our home, our car, our way of life. And shortly after we separated, my father, who was “my rock,” passed away.
My previous coping strategies, like going to the gym to work off stress, were inadequate to deal with the loss of everything I had held dear and the uncertain future we faced. I was literally brought to my knees by the catastrophic end of everything I had known.
Truly humbled by the experience, I acknowledged that this was bigger than me and that I needed a radical new approach. My mental problem-solving strategies weren’t enough. I hit my knees and asked for help — and as I surrendered and acknowledged that I needed help, help arrived. Sometimes not the way I expected, like the time my neighbor’s father asked me to trim the large tree that was overhanging the fence into his daughter’s yard. Since we were moving, I was reluctant to spend money trimming that enormous ficus. But I did, and then he offered to rent one of his houses to me, at precisely the moment I needed to find a new place to live and at a price I could afford.
How exactly did I get the help I needed?
• Meditation and prayer: Each morning before the kids woke up, I would spend at least fifteen minutes sitting cross-legged on the floor, taking deep breaths and quieting my mind. I would then ask for help and guidance from my “Higher Power” so that I could let go of what needed to be let go, allow life to unfold, and make good decisions that day. Your Higher Power may be God or the universe or another power; it doesn’t matter. Admitting you need help and asking for it is all that is required.
• Reading the masters: I incorporated spiritual and uplifting reading into my morning routine, which grounded me for the challenges of the day ahead.
• Journaling: I began writing in a journal about my deepest fears, which allowed me to see that as life unfolded, most of my fears were unfounded.
I found that these three things, practiced each day, allowed me to let go of my feelings of anger and fear and instead focus with gratitude on the things that mattered — the love of my children, our health, and how I showed up in the present moment. As I experienced the benefits of this practice, I increased the time spent meditating, asking for guidance, writing in my journal, and pondering what I read. And as I expanded my mindfulness practice into all aspects of my life, the results were profound and impactful. My ability to handle the unexpected increased exponentially. In the following chapters, I outline specific steps you, too, can take to radically transform your life for the better.
Action Steps to Mindfulness
To accomplish what I describe above, practice the following action steps:
• Create a place in your home for meditation. This should be a quiet place, like your bedroom, where you can rest from stress, pray, and write in a journal. You might create an altar and put pictures or tokens on it of the things in life that bring you joy. My altar is a Buddha, and over time, I have added pictures and mementos from my children, parents, and others that have had a positive impact on my life. When I sit before it in silence, it calms and centers me.
• Set aside time each day for meditation. Start each day quietly before your altar, close your eyes, and take long, slow, deep breaths. Each time a thought enters your mind, acknowledge it and return your focus to your breathing. Begin with just a few minutes each day, and gradually increase the time spent in mindful meditation. Don’t worry if you don’t know how to meditate or don’t know what to do. Just sit with yourself and pay attention to your breath. You will become aware of the constant worry and chatter that infiltrates your mind. As you become aware of this, practice being the observer. Simply observe the chatter and redirect your attention to your breath. You will find that if you stick with this practice, you will begin to experience more ease and calm.
• After quieting your mind, ask for help from whatever source you believe in (God, the universe, a Higher Power). Ask for assistance with whatever might arise during the day. Just simply acknowledge that you need help and ask for it.
• Start a journal. After spending time in silent meditation, write whatever comes to mind in your journal. Don’t edit what comes out. Just write it out. This stream-of-consciousness writing will allow you to get any negative, repetitive thoughts out of your head and onto the page. It will free your mind so that you aren’t stuck ruminating on things over which you have no control. This will allow you to see, as time goes on, that many of your worst fears are unfounded.
• Read for at least ten minutes from the books listed below and commit to practicing the truths they reveal. As you engage in this practice, record its impact in your journal. Your life will change and it will be better.
Recommended Reading for Supporting Mindfulness
• Tara Brach, Radical Acceptance: Embracing Your Life with the Heart of a Buddha (New York: Bantam, 2004): A psychotherapist and Buddhist meditation teacher, Brach interweaves stories from her own life as a hardworking single mother with anecdotes from her therapy practice, and she offers examples of how our pain can become a doorway to love and liberation.
• Marianne Williamson, Illuminata: A Return to Prayer (New York: Riverhead Books, 1995): Prayer is practical, according to Williamson. It can deliver us from deep psychic pain and provide peace and understanding. Illuminata shows you how to bring prayer into your daily life.
• Deepak Chopra, The Seven Spiritual Laws of Success: A Practical Guide to the Fulfillment of Your Dreams (Novato, CA: New World Library, 1994): Deepak Chopra distills the essence of his teachings into seven simple yet powerful principles that can be applied to all areas of your life. This book will inspire you to understand that all is possible. Uncertainty is our friend. Limitless opportunity awaits.
