Читать книгу Regency Society - Хелен Диксон, Ann Lethbridge, Хелен Диксон - Страница 103

Roxanne saw the last of the guests leave and then went upstairs. She knocked at the earl’s door and was invited to enter by his manservant.

‘How is he now, Marshall?’

‘Not so clever, miss. I was just about to send for you to ask what you thought. He doesn’t want a fuss, but I wondered if we should have the doctor again?’

‘I think he would prefer just to rest. There is very little the doctor can do for his condition, you know. I’ll sit with him for a while now. He seems easier when I’m with him, I think.’

‘Yes, he does, Miss Roxanne. I’ve not seen him take to anyone as he has to you, miss, not for years. He’s laughed more these past few weeks than he has since his wife died. He became almost a recluse after his daughter died young. If it had not been for Master Luke he might have given up altogether. Yet he found it hard to show his feelings—just as Master Luke does. I know the earl better than most and I can tell you that his heart has been broken more than once.’

‘I dare say he missed both his wife and his daughter a great deal.’

‘Not that he let on. He just became more buttoned up, if you’ll excuse the phrase—but I think you’re right, miss. Shut himself off, he did, but he’s come back to us since you arrived. I don’t know what he’d do without you now, miss.’

‘Yes, I think he is happier than when I first came,’ Roxanne said and went into the bedchamber. The earl was lying with his eyes shut, but when she sat down close to his side, he opened them and looked at her.

‘You’ve come, then,’ he said. ‘I hoped you might when they’d all gone. Has that grandson of mine gone too?’

‘No, I do not think he plans to leave us just yet,’ Roxanne said. ‘He cares for you more than you might think, sir.’

‘He never showed it before you came. Mind you, I haven’t exactly been loving towards him. I was grieving and so was he. We lost touch and when a breach opens up it’s hard to cross it. We’re both too damned proud for our own good and that’s the truth. We can’t say sorry—and neither of us knows how to love.’

‘I would not say that, sir. Perhaps you find it hard to show your love. I imagine it must be difficult, particularly for two very prickly and stubborn gentlemen.’

‘You’ve worked us out, haven’t you?’ The earl nodded as she merely smiled. ‘I underestimated you when you first came. I wonder if Luke has too. He doesn’t wear his heart on his sleeve, girl. I was just the same as a young man. It took my Emily to make me realise what love should be and when she died she took my heart with her.’

‘Yet you do love Luke and he loves you. Do you not think you should tell him before it is too late?’

‘Perhaps you’re right,’ he agreed. ‘I’ve held back all my life—afraid of making a fool of myself or being hurt again, I suppose.’

‘It is hard for everyone to trust once they’ve been hurt. Now, would you like me to read to you for a while or would you prefer to sleep?’

‘I’ve all night for sleeping. Tell me about yourself, Roxanne. Tell me about Sofia—and the life you led with her and the travelling players. I knew a young woman by that name once. She was very beautiful, but she never looked at me. Who knows, had she given me encouragement everything might have been different.’

‘While Sofia lived I was happy with her,’ Roxanne said. ‘She was like a mother to me and she took away the dark emptiness inside me. I wish I might tell you who I am, sir, but apart from a vague feeling about India, which may be merely a game we once played, I remember nothing.’

‘I can tell you that you’re a lady born,’ Hartingdon said. ‘I’ve watched to see if you would let the act slip and you never have. If it were an act, Roxanne, you would make a mistake. No, you’re a lady—and you love my grandson, whether he deserves it or not.’

‘Yes,’ Roxanne said softly. ‘I do, but please do not tell him that for he may not wish to hear it. Sofia was a lady, too, though she did not care for society. She found the social drawing rooms shallow and too insipid. For her drama and life lived to the full was more exciting than a life of domestic cares. She led an exciting life, but in the end I think she regretted that she had not known a true and lasting love.’

‘And you—are you like her, Roxanne?’

‘No, I do not think so. I believe I should enjoy a life in the country, devoted to family and friends and the service of others. I do not wish to be a courtesan and have princes fight over me, as she did.’

‘You’re like my Emily,’ he said and closed his eyes. ‘Tell me some more…about your acting and…’ His voice trailed away and she knew he was sleeping.

Roxanne sat quietly by his side. He woke after a little while and smiled at her, then drifted off to sleep again, reassured that she was there. She held his hand for a while and gave him a drink when he asked.

It was almost midnight when the door of his bedchamber opened and Luke entered, wearing a long silk striped robe, his feet bare.

‘Are you still here?’ he said softly. ‘You should go to bed now, Roxanne. I shall sit with Grandfather for a while.’

‘I will return in a few hours,’ Roxanne said. ‘I do not want him to be left alone, Luke. It is important that he feels loved and wanted, because then he will have the strength to go on.’

‘You really do care for him, don’t you?’

Roxanne inclined her head. She wanted to tell him that the earl was not the only one she cared for, but the words remained unspoken. She’d said too much the previous night and Luke’s anger had shown that he did not wish for her love. He had offered her a business arrangement, not a loving relationship. Unless she wished to end it, she must let him think that her emotions were not truly involved. Luke had been deeply scarred; he was afraid of loving, afraid of commitment.

‘Yes, I have become very fond of him,’ she said. ‘I shall sleep because I must, but call me if you need me.’

‘Yes, of course. If he wakes and asks, I shall send for you, Roxanne. Goodnight, sleep well.’

Roxanne made no reply as she walked from the room. Her thoughts were with the earl, but as she opened the door of her bedchamber, for a moment she was apprehensive as she recalled the events of the previous night. However, her room was just as it ought to be.

She refrained from summoning a maid and managed to unfasten her gown without help. In bed she lay for a moment, her eyes stinging with tears she would not allow herself to shed. It was her fault for allowing herself to fall in love. Luke had never promised her love, only comfort and a home. She told herself it was enough and then at last she slept.

Roxanne was not summoned to the earl’s side that night but at half past six the next morning she went to his room and found that Luke was still there, his long legs stretched out before him as he dozed in the armchair. He woke as she entered and looked at her sheepishly.

‘I must have dozed off,’ he apologised. ‘I do not think he called out or I should have heard.’

Roxanne looked down at the earl. His eyes were closed, but as she bent over him, he opened them and then deliberately winked at her.

‘Good morning, Grandfather,’ she said and bent to kiss his cheek. ‘How are you this morning?’

‘Better,’ he grunted. ‘What on earth that grandson of mine wanted to sit there all night for I’ve no idea.’

Luke had risen to his feet and was stretching his shoulders, clearly feeling the effects of an uncomfortable night. ‘Roxanne would have insisted on sitting with you had I not taken a turn,’ he said. ‘I’m glad to see you better, sir. I will call and see you later. Please excuse me.’

‘Much good he would have been,’ the earl said as the door closed behind him, but there was no malice in his words, just a hint of amusement. ‘His snoring would waken the dead.’

‘I’m sorry Luke’s snoring disturbed you. How long had you been awake?’

‘An hour or so, perhaps. I hadn’t the heart to wake him, but I need Marshall’s assistance. Fetch him to me, girl, and then take yourself off for a few hours. You must have something you need to do?’

‘I believe I shall speak to Minty about flowers for the wedding,’ Roxanne said and smiled. ‘You’re a sly old fox, sir. If I didn’t know better, I would think you had a plan to bring us all to heel.’

‘Do that graceless scamp good to think of someone else for a change. He’s like me, too selfish and careless of others—but you were right, girl, I do care for him and I shall tell him so next time he comes. No good leaving it until it’s too late.’

‘I shall see you later,’ Roxanne said and went off to summon his manservant before going in search of the head gardener.

After an hour spent in delightful discussions about the various flowers needed for the church and the reception, Roxanne returned to the house. Entering the hall, she discovered Luke reading a letter. He turned to look at her with a frown.

‘This is from my solicitor. He writes to tell me that he has had no replies to his advertisement as such—but his office was ransacked by persons unknown the night he stayed here for the ball.’

Roxanne went cold all over. ‘You think someone was searching for that ruby? What is so important about it? I know it is valuable, but it is not priceless—or is it? Is there something special that draws others to it?’

‘I think we can be certain that someone is desperate to recover the ruby. I should be prepared to give it back to whoever is the rightful owner—if that is your wish?’

‘Yes, of course.’ She shivered. ‘It is a dangerous thing, Luke. I wish I’d never seen it.’

‘When Grandfather is well again I shall place another advertisement and offer to return the damned thing to the person who has been searching for it. We shall all sleep sounder in our beds once this business is over.’

‘Yes, I believe so,’ Roxanne agreed. ‘I think Grandfather is better this morning. His health is clearly still fragile, but I believe he was just exhausted after the ball. We should keep the wedding list to a minimum so as not to tire him too much.’

‘If I know Grandfather, he will insist on having a grand affair, even if he goes to bed for a week afterwards. This wedding means a great deal to him.’

‘Yes, but if we told him we wished for a quiet ceremony I believe he would agree.’

‘I’ll have a word later,’ Luke said. ‘You look very well, Roxanne. Have you been for a walk?’

‘Only to the hothouses. Minty has been showing me his pride and joy, which are some very rare plants. We were discussing flowers for the wedding.’ She looked at him uncertainly. ‘You do wish to continue with this?’

‘Yes, of course. If I have given you reason to think otherwise, I apologise, Roxanne. I will admit to having a temper and I am sometimes rash when anger gets the better of me.’

She swallowed hard, her heart thumping. He was not saying that he loved her, merely that he wished to continue with the make-believe wedding they had planned.

‘Then I shall begin to write out the cards. I will send the family invitations first and you must tell me if there are friends you wish to ask, Luke.’

‘You have none you would wish to ask yourself?’

‘Perhaps Mrs Mills if it would not be too far for her to travel? I have no other friends or family, Luke, or none that I know of—but I shall content myself with yours. Your Uncle Frederick is a very pleasant man and I like his wife. Some of your neighbours are very companionable and I am sure I shall make friends here.’

‘You are quite settled here,’ Luke said with a rather odd look. ‘I think you would be happy to make it your home, even after Grandfather dies?’

‘It is such a lovely house and the estate is thriving, the people honest and hard working—and I should enjoy helping to keep it in good heart. To live as the steward of such a house and care for its people is a good life. Do you not think so?’

‘I like London,’ Luke said. ‘When a man is tired of London he is tired of life.’

‘A profound sentiment, Luke. Is it your own?’

‘No. I believe it was once a favourite saying of Dr Johnson.’

‘Ah, yes. Grandfather spoke to me of Dr Johnson’s dictionary, something he would like to add to his library, I believe.’

‘I must see if a copy can be subscribed,’ Luke said. ‘I will enquire when I go up to town—which puts me in mind of your wedding gift. Is there any particular jewel you like, Roxanne? I gave you pearls and emeralds, but you might prefer something different.’

‘Oh, no, I am very happy with what I have,’ she denied, her cheeks warm. ‘I do prefer simple things—a gold brooch for wearing in the mornings might be nice, but I have no particular need.’

‘People will expect you to have jewels to match your status, Roxanne. If I did not give them to you, they would imagine I neglected you and my duty. I am very sure Grandfather would have given you something for the ball had I not had my own gift to give you that night.’

‘We have been given several gifts for our engagement,’ Roxanne said. ‘Mrs Arlet told me that a silver tea service arrived from your godmother this morning. Your uncles and aunts have also been generous, and Cousin Horatio gave us a particularly beautiful silver inkstand. Shall I write to thank them all or would you prefer to do it yourself?’

‘If you have time, I shall leave you to do the honours,’ Luke said. ‘There are estate matters enough to occupy me while I stay here.’

‘Are you thinking of leaving for London soon?’

‘I may go up in a day or so. I should probably get this business of the ruby over as soon as possible, Roxanne. I will arrange for an agent in London to handle the affair. We do not need to be involved ourselves.’

‘Yes, of course,’ she said, conscious of a feeling of disappointment. No longer angry, Luke was being considerate and generous once more, but he had given her no reason to think that the feelings that had boiled over on the night of the ball had been anything more than an impulse he had since regretted. ‘It must be just as you wish.’

‘Must it?’ Luke’s gaze narrowed, becoming brooding and thoughtful. ‘I wonder what you would say if I told you what I wish for, Roxanne?’ She raised her brows and he shook his head, laughing ruefully. ‘If only I knew, my dear. I fear I am an impossible fellow and I dare say you are wishing you had never come to my aid that day in the woods.’

‘No,’ Roxanne said. ‘I have never wished that, nor shall I. You may have regrets, Luke, but I regret nothing.’

With that she walked away, leaving him to stare after her and wonder what was in her mind.

‘Ah, you look better, sir,’ Luke said as he saw his grandfather sitting propped up in bed reading the latest newssheet from London. ‘I wanted to see how you were. I have some business to attend in London, but did not wish to leave until you were over the worst.’

‘Running off before the wedding?’ The earl looked at him over the small round glasses that he wore perched on the end of his nose for reading. ‘Do you think that entirely fair on Roxanne?’

‘Roxanne will not mind. She does not expect me to dance attendance on her all the time, sir.’

‘No, of course not. She made a bargain with you and she’ll stick to it, because she is honest and decent—but there’s no cause for you to treat her as if she were a doormat.’

‘I cannot think I have done so,’ Luke replied, stung by the accusation. ‘Roxanne has not complained to me—has she said something to you?’

‘She would not complain, but I’ve had the truth out of her. She told me after that fellow attacked Mr Higgins. The gel doesn’t know who she is or where she came from before Sofia found her. She’s afraid she stole that wretched ruby, but I don’t believe she’s a thief.’

‘Roxanne told you all this?’ Luke frowned, his mouth thinning. ‘Did she tell you everything?’

‘About the bargain you made to give me something to please me in my last days?’ The earl’s gaze narrowed. ‘I’d guessed some of it and I made her tell me the rest. Did you imagine I should be fooled, Luke? You haven’t been behaving like a man who has fallen head over heels. She’s a better actress than you—though I’m not so sure she’s acting now. She’s a tender-hearted woman, Luke—and I don’t want to see her hurt.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘If you’re doing this for my sake, perhaps you shouldn’t,’ the earl said. ‘I know I’ve pushed you towards marriage, but that girl means something to me. If you don’t love her, let her go and stop this masquerade before it’s too late. I’ll do something for her myself. Indeed, she is welcome to stay with me for the rest of my days if she chooses. You can go back to the life you enjoy. I know now that I was wrong to demand so much of you, Luke. It isn’t right to force you into marriage for my sake. I don’t want either of you to ruin your life for me. That gel cares about us both and I won’t see her hurt. If you marry her, make it a proper marriage and forget this foolish bargain.’

‘I think marriage to Roxanne would suit me well enough. It is no different to many marriages made for position or money. I doubt I shall ever fall in love or want to settle for domesticity. I’m a loner like my father. It wouldn’t be fair to make any woman love me, because I should hurt her.’

‘Your father may not have been what you think him,’ the earl said and sighed heavily. ‘This marriage and an heir before I die would make me happy, Luke—but I’ve been selfish too often in the past. I want both of you to be happy and I’m releasing you from your promise. If you marry her, let it be because it’s what you want.’

‘Thank you, sir.’ Luke inclined his head stiffly. ‘I shall leave you to rest. You may be certain that I shall give this some thought.’

Luke left his grandfather’s bedchamber, striding along the hall and down the stairs. He could feel the anger building inside him. Why hadn’t Roxanne told him that the earl knew everything? Why had she allowed him to think that she was still going through the motions of a make-believe marriage?

She was in a plot with his grandfather to trap him into making this a proper marriage. Once his ring was on her finger there would be no going back. Luke could divorce her, but the scandal would be horrendous and he would never be able to face it. Hurting Roxanne would be like inflicting pain on himself. He’d meant it to be a simple arrangement with no ties on either side, but Roxanne had broken the terms of their agreement.

He felt resentful and bitter, because she had taken his grandfather’s side against him. He could imagine them smiling over their plot, reeling him in like a fish on a line. How dare she talk about him behind his back?

Luke knew that he was the one who had swept her off on a tide of passion on the night of the ball, but he was struggling to keep his head above water and only by transferring the blame could he justify his own reactions. He’d meant it to be the way it was when he took a mistress, passion and pleasure but no emotional entanglement. Roxanne had declared her love in the heat of desire and it had sent him running in a panic.

He couldn’t handle love. Luke’s mouth was dry and his stomach was tying itself in knots. Love hurt too much. It was a black choking sensation that made small boys weep in the darkness and cry out for the mother they had lost. He wasn’t in love with Roxanne. He couldn’t love anyone. He was like his father. She had lied to him by keeping it secret that the earl knew of their bargain.

Roxanne was in her favourite parlour. She was matching silks against a piece of embroidery she’d found somewhere, a look of such perfect content on her face that his fury broke loose in a torrent of bitter words.

‘How dare you lie to me?’ he demanded without preamble, ignoring the look of shock on her face. ‘Have you been plotting together—you and Grandfather? Did you laugh at how easy I was to fool?’

‘I have no idea what you mean? Why should I wish to lie to you—or to make a fool of you?’

She rose slowly to her feet, looking as if he’d struck her. It was the way his mother had looked at his father so many times and it made Luke feel guilty. He struck out blindly, because he could not stand to feel her pain.

‘You did not tell me that you had confessed everything to him.’

Roxanne’s cheeks burned. ‘Grandfather made me promise I would not tell you he knew. I could not keep it from him because he guessed a part of the whole and was angry. I thought he would send me away and I did not wish to leave.’

‘It suits you to live here as a grand lady, I suppose,’ Luke thundered, his expression one of fury and disgust. ‘You’ve been fooling us both, haven’t you? Laughing at us all the time. Who are you really? An adventuress out for what you can get? I fell right into your little trap, didn’t I? You played me so well, pretending to be reluctant and making me persuade you into marriage and giving me an heir. You must have been laughing at my gullibility all the time.’

Roxanne was deadly white. He saw her hands shaking and knew that she was fighting her desire to weep, but his anger was so intense that he could not control it.

‘Have you nothing to say to me?’

‘I believe you have said it all,’ Roxanne murmured between stiff lips. ‘Excuse me. I think I must leave.’

‘I’ll save you the bother. I’m going to London.’

Luke strode from the room. His temper carried him as far as the stables and then he suddenly felt all his energy seep away. Leaning against the wall, he discovered that tears were streaming down his cheeks and he could not stop them. A choking sob broke from him as he mumbled, ‘Roxanne, forgive me. Such a fool. I’m so sorry. So very sorry.’

What had he done? He’d said such dreadful things to her. Terrible, cruel, wicked things that she did not deserve. He knew that she was not an adventuress, nor had she planned this for material gain. Yes, she was glad of a settled home, but she was prepared to give so much in return—all the things that he had lost when his mother died. All the things his soul craved and he feared. He was a craven coward and deserved a horsewhipping for the way he’d spoken to her.

Roxanne would hate him. He had destroyed any feeling she had for him.

She’d said she must leave. In his rage he hadn’t listened. Did she mean leave the room—or leave him? Go away for ever?

He might never see her again. The thought sent such a wave of agony lashing through him that Luke groaned. He had not realised what he had and he’d cast it away without a second thought.

Perhaps it wasn’t too late. If he went back now and begged her pardon on his knees, perhaps she would stay—if not for his sake, for his grandfather’s. She loved the earl. Surely she would not desert him?

Luke strode towards the house. Please let him be in time. If she’d already gone, he would find her. He would find her and bring her back for the earl’s sake.

Even now he was in denial. Even now he could not quite admit that he needed her, needed her more than he had ever believed possible.

He had no right to care. He was not worthy of her love. He did not know how to love. She had the right to walk away if she chose, now that she knew him for what he was. His damnable temper and the way he hurt people—how could Roxanne ever love him?

Roxanne had left the sealed note on the silver salver in the hall. Mrs Arlet would find it and deliver it to the earl later. It would hurt him, though she’d promised that she would return to see him if she could one day—one day when Luke was back in London and she would not have to see him or the lashing scorn in his eyes.

How could Luke have said such things to her? Roxanne felt her throat tighten with pain. It hurt so much to know what he truly thought of her. How could he believe that she was pretending to care for the earl? He must know that she loved him. He must know that she loved them both so much that this was tearing her into shreds.

She was carrying one small bundle, very similar in content to that she had taken when she left the camp of the travelling players. She’d had no choice but to take the gown she was wearing, some underclothes and a spare skirt and bodice, but the ring and necklace Luke had given her were left on the dressing table in her room.

She had less money than when she’d fled from Black Bob. She’d had no need of money in the earl’s house and none had been offered to her. Instead, Luke or the earl had met all the bills for her clothes and anything else she needed was provided.

She would need to find employment quite soon. Roxanne had packed her things, written her note and left in haste. She had not given a thought to what she would do in the future. Now she realised that she must begin working almost immediately. The ruby had gone and she was without friends. Her dream of becoming an actress must be put to one side for the moment. To eat and have a roof over her head, she must take any work that was offered.

She could not look for a position too close to the estate. People might know her and gossip and she did not wish to cause a scandal for Luke and the earl. There would naturally be some scandal when it was discovered that the engagement was over, but Luke could explain to his family that he’d been mistaken in her; they would sympathise with him and it would blow over after a few months.

Roxanne recalled that they had passed a staging inn on the way here. That meant that the mail coach would call there on its way to and from London. She might just have enough coins to travel a part of the way to London. She could find an inn or perhaps a farmhouse where they were looking for a girl to help with the chores. It was not the life she would choose for herself, but she must make the best of it until she could earn enough to set up for herself. Perhaps she could become a seamstress. She had some talent for sewing and she would prefer that kind of work.

She had left by a side door in order to avoid being seen and made her escape through the walled garden and out into a lane that led through the earl’s estate to the village. Once there she could find her way to the staging inn and then… Roxanne choked back her tears and looked about her.

The lane had come to an end. She must either cross over a stile and a meadow, which appeared to be filled with cows and what she thought might be a bull, or go through the wood. She’d imagined the way across the field would lead her to the village, but now she knew she was lost. Hesitating, she avoided the meadow and the bull, which was eyeing her in a way that she preferred not to challenge. If she kept walking, the wood must lead somewhere and eventually she would find a main road or a village where she could ask the way.

She had been walking in the cool shadow of the wood for some twenty minutes or so when she heard something rustling in the undergrowth and then a stick snapped. Someone was close by. She turned her head, eager to find whoever it was and enquire the way, and then something struck her on the side of the head and everything went black.

‘Fool,’ the voice said as a pair of strong arms caught her as she fell. ‘His Highness will be angry if you’ve harmed her. He gave orders that she was to be taken, but not harmed. May the goddess protect her and keep her from harm.’

Roxanne heard nothing of the argument that ensued, nor was she aware of being carried through the wood to where a closed carriage and four horses awaited. Although she was treated with respect after the first crashing blow, she had no knowledge of what was happening to her, her eyes closed and her face pale as the darkness held her mind.

‘What does she say?’ Luke asked as he watched the earl open his letter and read its contents. Discovering that no one had seen Roxanne, he had found the letter on the salver in the hall and taken it at once to his grandfather. ‘Has she gone away? Has she left me? I think she left nothing for me.’

‘What on earth did you say to her?’ Hartingdon handed him the letter after skimming its contents. ‘You have a careless tongue, but this was more than a harsh word, Luke. She begs my pardon for breaking her promise and regrets she must leave—though she promises to let me know how she is and to visit often if I wish it. Damn it, why does she need to ask? I did not wish her to leave me.’

‘It is my fault. My fault entirely,’ Luke said. ‘Forgive me for hurting you like this, sir. I know you care for Roxanne. I was abominably rude to her and I said things I did not mean in temper.’

‘She said we were very alike,’ the earl grunted. ‘I can imagine what you said, what you thought. You’re a damned fool, Luke. You’ve thrown away your chance of happiness, boy. Couldn’t you see that she was perfect for you? She loved you.’

‘I know, at least I thought…’ Luke caught his breath as the pain knifed through him. ‘It was fear of her love that made me cruel, sir. I didn’t want to do to her what my father did to my mother. I was afraid of hurting her, of breaking her fine spirit—and I’ve done just that, haven’t I?’

‘Your mother should never have married,’ the earl said. ‘I loved her, but she was a foolish silly girl and your father needed a woman with passion in her bones to help him forget. I should never have pushed them into marriage.’

Luke’s brows knit in a frown. ‘Help him forget—what? I do not understand you, sir.’

‘Your father married on the rebound, Luke. As a young man he was very much in love. Your mother liked him when they first met at a society ball, but he didn’t look at her that night. He was in love with Helene Digby, the woman he planned to wed, but she died of a sudden and terrible fever. I believe your father was with her, held her in his arms as she died. He never truly recovered from her death. A love like that comes but once in a lifetime.’

‘My father was in love like that—really, deeply in love? I thought him a shallow fellow given to affairs and not capable of love.’ Luke stared in disbelief, his memories in disarray.

‘He loved too deeply, that was his trouble,’ the earl said. ‘When I coerced him into marrying my daughter he told me that he couldn’t love her. I thought it an ideal marriage for my silly girl. She would live here with me, give me an heir for the estate, and her husband would go his own way. My silly Sarah couldn’t let him go. She didn’t truly enjoy the physical side of marriage, but she wanted a romantic husband to fuss over her and bring her presents. Clarendon wasn’t that kind of man. If she’d had passion in her, she might have held him, but she didn’t and so he broke her heart with his affairs. She should have let him go, been content with what she had, but she demanded too much of him.’

‘Good grief.’ Luke sat down heavily, his legs going weak as the shock went through him. ‘I had no idea. All these years I’ve thought…’

‘You thought you were shallow and worthless and I let you believe it. Instead of appreciating your qualities, I drove you away, blaming you for what your father did to my silly girl. It wasn’t his fault and it certainly wasn’t yours, Luke. I don’t believe you take after either of them. You’re like me—Roxanne knew it instinctively and she loved us both.’

It was like a light breaking over him, the realisation that he loved Roxanne with all his heart. Tortured by his memories that were false and seen through the eyes of a child, who did not understand what was happening between his parents, he had fought against his love for her. When he realised there was no longer a reason to hold her to her promise, he had lashed out in fear and despair, driving her away.

What had he done? All he had ever secretly longed for and needed had been within his grasp and he had thrown it away.

‘I am a crass fool and I have to pray that she will forgive me.’

‘She might if you can find her,’ the earl said and frowned. ‘You rode to the village and enquired, but no one had seen her?’

‘One of the gardeners thought he saw her in the lane that leads to the meadow where the cows are. If she’d crossed that, she would have come out on the high road and followed the signs to the east, but there is also the wood and if she took that route she might end up on the road north.’

‘Where would she go?’

Luke moved his shoulders negatively. ‘She was heading for London when I first met her…’

‘You must find her,’ the earl said urgently. ‘Don’t blame yourself for the whole, Luke. I made her promise not to tell you that I knew the truth. I am as much to blame as you are in this.’

‘No, sir. Roxanne certainly didn’t run away from you. I’m the one that hurt her. I intend to find her, however long it takes me, and when I do I shall beg her to return, but it may be too late. Some things are unforgivable and, in truth, I do not deserve her forgiveness.’

‘I think she may give it,’ the earl said and smiled at him. ‘You haven’t yet realised how lucky you are, Luke. Roxanne is a wonderful and very loving person. You must find her because if you do not you’ll regret it for the rest of your life.’

‘Yes, I know,’ Luke said. ‘I think I must travel to London. Will you forgive me for leaving you at such a time?’

‘I’m not going to die just yet, boy,’ the earl said. ‘Find Roxanne and bring her back for all our sakes.’

Luke smiled oddly. ‘I promise I shall leave no stone unturned, sir, but for the moment it seems that she has disappeared into thin air.’

‘That isn’t possible, Luke. Roxanne was on foot. It would have taken her hours to walk anywhere.’

‘Unless…’ Luke shook his head. He would not distress the earl yet by suggesting that she might have been kidnapped. Somehow Roxanne had avoided detection, but he would find her if it took him the rest of his life.