Читать книгу Two for tragedy. Volume 1 - Анна Морион - Страница 7

I don't know what came over me yesterday. Why did I get so mad and take it out on Viper? I didn't have the slightest reason. But the fact remains that I took out my anger on the girl, insulted and humiliated her. Why did I get so worked up? Because she asked me about a book I was reading? That's ridiculous! For such a small thing, which was not even a hint of mockery or insult to me, I began to behave like an ill-mannered brute. I could see the confusion, surprise, even pain in her eyes when the rude words against her came out of my lips. My voice was icy and callous. Normally, I only speak so harshly and coldly to mortals, wanting to scare them away. Apparently, this behaviour had become such a habit that I couldn't behave any other way.

The whole day was spent thinking about what had happened.

Why had I behaved like a real bastard? Wishing to push Viper away?

"I must need to apologise," I came to a thought. But suddenly, out of nowhere, came a disgruntled voice, "Apologise? To some mortal? I have to apologise to that stupid girl? No. Why would I do that. Where did this softness come from? Where does such an idea come from? She's only a mortal!"

Damn… Stop! What was that harsh thought? Where did it come from? As soon as I started to think something kind about Viper, my vampire pride would immediately rise up in me. This time I wished my pride would obey the command of reason: I should have kept my temper in check and done the decent thing. Yes, I will apologise to Viper for my piggish behaviour… No, there will be no apology! What am I thinking? People don't deserve any involvement or sympathy!

Oh, here we go again! What's happening to me? Am I having a split personality? Or is it my vampire nature fighting my conscience? But how do I suddenly have a conscience? Me, who has never apologised to anyone in my life (parents and Markus don't count) and treated mortals with the disdain that is inherent in higher creatures over lower ones? Why do I care about Viper's feelings and opinions? After all, what is she? A mortal girl I've only seen a few times in my life! Just a speck of dust in my eternal universe.

But again and again I replayed in my head the events of our last meeting: I saw that Viper was not listening to me, she was consumed with resentment, but I monotonously continued to explain the material to her, so that I could not see her eyes burning with resentment. The state into which I had plunged this girl made me morally uncomfortable, and I sought salvation in meaningless retellings of the laws of physics. But when Viper tiredly covered her face with her palms, something in me shivered.

I'd never cared or cared about what both vampires and humans thought of me. But in that moment, I suddenly thought with horror that Viper hated me. And as she began to silently gather her things, preparing to leave me, I remained silent. I didn't dare fall in my own eyes by apologising to her. Now thoughts of Viper plagued me. Maybe she thought I was a son of a bitch, a moral freak, or worse.

For some reason unknown to myself, I was looking forward to another meeting with Viper. Since the girl didn't schedule it, I myself passed my ward a note through a third party.

At the appointed time, I sat in the library and waited for Viper to appear. It was already six zero two, but the girl didn't show up, which was uncharacteristic of her, given her nauseating punctuality, as she herself had put it earlier. The entire hall was occupied by other pairs of students, victims of the Rector's experimental programme.

When the library door opened again, I stared at it again, expecting Viper to appear. But instead of her, another girl appeared: she looked around the room, and when she saw me, she took a firm step toward me and sat down across from me. A beautiful blonde-haired mortal with a radiant wide smile.

"Who the hell is that?" – I thought grudgingly, giving her a frown, but the girl seemed not to notice my gaze and continued to smile.

– Hi!" she said cheerfully, holding out her hand to me. – I'm Julia Novak, your new ward! But you don't have to introduce yourself – I know you! You're Cedric Morgan!

I pretended not to notice her outstretched hand.

New ward? What's the joke?

– As I recall, I'm studying with Viper Vladinovich," I said briefly. Not understanding what was going on made me angry.

– Yes, I know, you were studying with her, but everything has changed, and now your ward is me, – still smiling, confidently said the girl.

– Interesting. Who decided? – I asked coldly, giving Julia an icy stare.

– We switched," she explained. Her smile was fading. – She was already studying with her new 'friend' and I think they got along well. I'm sure we'll get along, too, though.

– Switched? – I asked quietly.

Switched? You can change things, but not people… In my case, me. Switched. I was furious. How could that Viper girl dare to do that? Change me like I was a boring object, a thing! Who does she think she is, that stupid girl?

– Viper asked me to switch with her because… She said you didn't get along, and that you didn't care…" Julia began to babble, flapping her eyelashes.

– Call everything by its proper name: she just doesn't want to study with me! – I mockingly interrupted her.

So that's the reason! Viper got cold feet and just switched me behind my back. Like a thing. Disappointment and anger at this mortal immediately flooded my soul.

– Tell your friend that if she really wants to continue studying and get a stipend, she shouldn't change me for someone else, just like she shouldn't refuse to study with me," I said in a quiet, angry voice.

Julia remained silent, but her formerly friendly eyes were replaced with a light of irritation and resentment.

I silently got up from the table, slung my backpack on my shoulder and headed for the exit, hearing Julia whisper under her breath: "What a nutcase!". I felt such a burning anger that if I'd ever seen Viper again, I would have loved to smash her, break her. Killed her. As I walked past the students, I kept my head down so that my furious eyes would not be visible. Contempt for Viper filled my entire being. Wow, and I still wanted to apologise! To whom? That coward? The one who'd sneakily changed me like a thing? Never now. I won't let some stupid little mortal girl neglect me and treat me like a thing! She'll learn her lesson.

Yes, I could study with Julia – she's quite beautiful. But, damn it, I didn't want to spend time in her annoying company. I sensed an unfettered arrogance in her: she considered herself a queen, whose opinion and orders are binding. Viper, on the other hand, was soft, feminine, but at the same time somewhat cold. "And cowardly," I thought mockingly. Her unusual beauty attracted me much more than Julia's perfect appearance.

To my own surprise, despite all my negativity towards Viper Vladinovich, I wanted to see her. She caused me a storm of resentment, but I sought to meet her. For what reason should I despise her? I should despise her! No, I already despise her!

The next day I saw this person. She was talking to Julia. Or rather, she was reproaching her for the idea of switching, and accusing her of embarrassing her, Julia, the poor, innocent sheep, and then complaining about me. Viper stood at the big window, leaning on the sill. Her face was frowning and tense. She listened silently to her friend's accusations, but suddenly she closed her eyes with the palm of her hand.

– I'm so sorry! Believe me, I didn't mean to set you up! I really believed it was me that he hated! But it turns out he's a universal man-hater! What am I supposed to do now? You're gonna get a smackdown from the chancellor. I'm gonna drop out of this programme. I can't imagine how Morgan can be such a boor! A shameless and insensitive prideful man! – she said in despair.

These words made me grimly chuckle: yes, she was offended! But I was doubly offended by her actions, and wished to teach her a lesson. I wanted to teach her a lesson that it was a very bad idea to confront me.

I headed toward my girlfriends. Julia was the first to notice my approach; she shoved her friend in the shoulder and glanced at me meaningfully. Viper hastily took her hand away from her eyes and looked at me, first with surprise and then with hatred.

As if to give her friend a chance to deal with me, Julia hurried away, and Viper watched my approach with her arms crossed over her chest and her eyes fixed on me. When I approached her, she stared boldly into my face, not hiding her glittering eyes.

– What was that? – I asked, looking down at Viper like a teacher looking at a student. At that moment, I could barely keep myself from yelling at her or hurting her physically. Or kill her.

– It was my attempt to get rid of your company! – The girl blurted out angrily. – But if that didn't work, I'll use the other way out!

– You think that's the best way out of this situation? – I said mockingly. – Because of one small unpleasant quarrel, you cowardly run away into the bushes!

– I have many reasons for that!

– How interesting. Well, tell me!

– You think you are allowed to insult and abuse other people! You're arrogant and selfish, and you've made it clear that you despise me both as a person and as a woman! – Viper snarled.

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. Was she the one I'd thought so highly of when we first met in the library? The narrowness of her thoughts and judgement struck me unpleasantly.

– Go on, tell me I'm wrong! I'm always wrong and I don't understand anything about people. How could I? I am only a naive fool! – she added mockingly. – What's the use of such a performance now? I don't want to practise with you, you're squeamish about practising with me, so come on…

– What makes you think I'm shy of studying with you? – I interrupted her, trying to ask the question as calmly as possible.

– Oh, no, you've done nothing to push me away from you! Blame it on my vivid imagination! – Viper snapped back.

– No, explain to me where you got those ideas from. – I was furious at her mocking tone and how stubbornly she clung to her delusions.

– Do you want to know?

– I'm dying to know.

– You made it clear to me from the first time we met that I was a nobody, and you were just forced to study with me. Humiliated your excessive pride. And your lateness was on purpose! God, I only realised it now, because you're such an amazing liar that you made me believe you and feel guilty for my harsh words! And now I realise how fair they were! – she said quietly but firmly.

– Is that all? – I asked.

– You are arrogant and selfish. I can't stand it. You look at me contemptuously like a cockroach, you make me feel insignificant and stupid. You don't have a shred of humanity in you! All you're filled with is contempt for people!

– I had a better opinion of you," I said with a scornful grin. – And you turned out to be a common coward.

– I'd rather be a coward than a monster like you!

Her words took my breath away.

Viper looked me straight in the eye, and I suddenly thought she knew who I was, knew my secret.

– Monstro in frontum, monstro in anima. But you hide your true face behind a pretty shell and deceive people," Viper said quietly. Without knowing it, she'd revealed my true nature.

She was absolutely right: I was a monster.

– I thought you'd be braver, but I guess I was wrong, because you act so stupid the first time you fight," I said grimly.

– I thought you were better than what you turned out to be," Viper said bitterly. Her face went pale. – And maybe I'm not as smart as you, but I don't deserve your insults," she whispered, her head lowered.

Realising how much my harsh words and my behaviour had hurt Viper, I felt a mental discomfort.

Viper looked up at me, and I saw again the same pain that had been in her eyes the moment I'd hurt her. In that second I realised how wrong I had been about her, thinking she was weak of spirit and afraid to fight. I could feel it now: her airy soul could not bear the insults with which I had wounded her quite undeservedly. It was my fault, and I did not wish to transfer it to the fragile shoulders of this mortal girl. I know how to admit my mistakes. I was overcome with regret and shame for my mistakes. And for once, vampire pride didn't drown out the voice of reason.

– I'm sorry," I said, surprised at myself.

Viper's eyes flashed with genuine surprise.

– I do love Baudelaire's work, and I often reread it so that I don't forget it in my memory," I said hastily.

– What do you like his poetry? I wanted to know just that, and you took my question that way! – Viper said quietly, frowning slightly.

– 'He was writing the truth. As you said, there is darkness in his poems, although, no, they are just soaked in it, but this darkness does not repel, on the contrary – it envelops the mind with beauty, melancholy and majesty. Reading Baudelaire, I involuntarily think about the frailty of the world and what beauty is hidden where people are not destined to see it, because they are blind and do not want to see the beauty.

Why am I saying all this? To earn Viper's favour? A mortal?

What a shame.

– And to hear that, I had to listen to your insults first? – she asked sadly.

– I apologise to you for my unimaginative and undignified behaviour," I apologised again.

How many times do I have to repeat those words to her? And how many more times would I have to repeat them before Viper would forgive me? Why am I so eager for her forgiveness?

– What did I do to make you so angry? – the girl asked

– I don't know. I must have been in a bad mood," I said.

It was true. I didn't know the answer to that question myself.

– So you're very hot-tempered? But what makes you think you're allowed to take it out on people around you?

– I can control my emotions.

God, what am I doing? I'm persuading a mortal girl not to refuse to study with me!

– Is that why you were rude to Julia?

Oh, shit. How clever of her to catch me!

– You made the exchange behind my back. You have to admit, it's not very nice to be exchanged like a thing," I rebuked her in turn.

Viper suddenly blushed and lowered her gaze to the floor.

– Yes… That was not nice of me," she said quietly.

– Next time, if there are any contradictions between us, we will solve them immediately and without interference from outsiders, – I said insistently.

– Next time? You think we can study together? – Viper was surprised.

– Why not?

– If only because you can't keep your temper to yourself.

– I thought I said I was capable of self-control? – I asked calmly and a little mockingly.

– Yes, I heard you. But can you guarantee that you won't insult me again and look at me with that contemptuous look?

– I… promise to keep my temper in check. – I barely got that promise out of me, the first time I'd ever promised something to a man and apologised to him twice before.

– Then I agree to continue our lessons.

You do? Like I asked her to do that?

– While we're at it, let me ask you, what other poets do you prefer? – As if seizing the opportunity, Viper suddenly asked.

– Goethe, Schiller, Lord Byron, Petrarch. I've already mentioned Baudelaire. But, actually, there are many, it's hard to list them all. From literature I prefer the classics. What do you read?

– Classics are a rare guest on my bookshelf. I read some of the classics, but it's more for self-development… In fact… You may think I'm naive, but I like books about vampires. And of poets I prefer Lermontov, well, and Baudelaire, of course," the girl shared with me, laughing softly.

I couldn't help but chuckle. If only Viper knew that she wasn't naive in her fascination with books about us, and that one of the vampires was standing next to her, talking to her!

– Vampires? Good choice," I said with a chuckle.

– No… Bad. I should prefer more serious literature… Alas, I'm too light-minded," Viper said embarrassedly, hiding her beautiful eyes from me again, as if embarrassed by her fondness for mystical literature.

– On the contrary: you take things too personally," I said quietly, wishing she wouldn't dare to belittle her virtues. – Perhaps your soul is too tender for our cruel material world. And you have nothing to be ashamed of in your literary tastes.

– Yes… I suppose you're right," Viper said quietly.

No matter how hard I tried, she felt uncomfortable. Perhaps my chuckle at her mention of vampire books had misled her.

I was torn by conflicting feelings. In the books Viper preferred to read, vampires were always portrayed as romantic heroes whose romanticism overshadowed the true cruelty of our lives. Always dark but noble, book vampires remain ideals in the imagination of mortal girls that they can never find in real life, because vampires never come into contact with mortals. Unless I'm forced to, or, I'm not going to lie, I don't know why, I've sought companionship with this mortal. But humans have made idols of us. Is the Viper in this foolish delusion?

– I don't believe in the existence of vampires at all," I said, trying to ask Viper how she felt about us.

– To be honest, neither do I. Don't think that I think they're real – I just like the mystical atmosphere… Although, of course, this is a subjective opinion, because we can't say that vampires don't exist just because we haven't seen them. We can't see God, but there is a God," Viper said seriously. – But I don't believe in vampires. I'd rather believe that the sun revolves around the Earth… Okay, let's not talk about that. I realise this all sounds weird and stupid, and it's stupid that we're even discussing it.

– Whatever. So what about the next meeting? – I asked, satisfied with my mentee's sarcasm about vampire books and the fact that I'd managed to convince her to keep studying with me.

– Well… Maybe tomorrow? – she suggested timidly.

– Great," I agreed without hesitation.

– I'll have a call for a date soon. – Viper looked me in the eye. – 'Let's say five o'clock, same place. Is that okay with you?

– Sure," I answered briefly, deciding not to delay her.

– Then I'll see you tomorrow," she said, and grabbed her bag without turning round and walked away from the corner of the corridor.

As I watched Viper walk away, I grinned slightly. Strangely, the memory of apologising to her, mortally, and twice, made my grin turn into a faint smile of surprised satisfaction. It was wrong, unnecessary. It was unnatural. But I had no desire to stop the flow of these marvellous thoughts – they didn't threaten me. I could distance myself from Viper at any time, without regret or self-harm. It was so easy.