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Introduction

THE WORDS of the parents in this book have been drawn from the conversations and interviews I have had with parents over the past six years, eight months and twenty-five days. I can pinpoint this time so accurately as this was the date our son was born. No sooner had he arrived, than I was plunged from the relatively ordered world of singles and partners to the chaos of babies and families.

Being a parent is one of the most difficult and demanding jobs we will ever be asked to undertake. It is also one of the most rewarding. But steering a path between the difficulties to reach the rewards is sometimes harder than we would ever have dreamed possible.

Becoming a family is something most of us undertake as a couple, relying on the strength and support our partner can give. For some, choice and circumstances mean that we take the step alone, or carry most of the responsibility alone.

Nevertheless, whether you are with a partner or a lone parent, the way our society is structured, and the way the world works, means that a great deal of the shock of babies is borne by the mother. Very often the proud father can return to work, accept the congratulations, and get on with business as usual. It is the new mother who needs to negotiate her way around this new world … usually without a map.

That is how it felt to me. In fact, it felt worse. I felt like I was bobbing around on a sea without a lifeboat, and all reference points were gone. And that is why I have spent so much of the past six years, eight months and twenty-five days talking to other parents, finding out if it felt like this for them, too, finding out just what I was meant to do, and how I was meant to do it.

I live in Brighton, but not all the parents whose voices you will hear in this book do: in my role as an editor on the local NCT newsletter, and then for the NCT national journal New Generation, I have met and talked to new families from all over Britain. When I was asked to write this book, I contacted a lot more parents, many of whom have made written contributions to this final manuscript. I have them all to thank. I have them all to thank twice over, because when you are a new family, time is at its most precious.

I’d also like to thank Sue Orchard and Heather Welford who gave their time and expertise and made valuable contributions to the final typescript.

The aim of this book is to let the voices of these mothers and fathers act like beacons for all those currently adrift on the sea of parenthood: whether you are bobbing happily along on the waves and wondering where to go next, or whether you are caught up in darker currents and confusions. Now my daughter is four and safely off to school this September, I feel I have negotiated another major milestone in the path of parenthood, but still, hearing other people tell of what it’s like from their point of view continues to be one of the most valuable ways for me of defining where I want to go, even if it is just a matter of deciding – well, I don’t want to do that.

For all those brave and generous enough to talk to me so openly and generously, thank you. Your names have been changed but you know who you are.

For all those still coming to terms with being a family, this book is for you.

Anna McGrail,

September 1995.