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Chapter 1

Accept Other People As They Are

It is normal to wish that other people were different, just as it is reasonable to wish that you were different. It is fine to try to influence others in skilful and ethical ways. However, problems arise when you tip into righteousness, resistance, anger, fault-finding, pestering, or any other kind of struggle.

To accept other people as they are does not mean allowing yourself to be maltreated or walked over by others. It means that you stop resisting the "what is" of the present moment by wishing it was different.

Accepting other people as they are does not mean agreeing with them, approving of them, waiving your rights, or downplaying their impact on you. It is about treating people as neither inferior nor superior to you. It is giving others the freedom to express themselves without the fear of being negatively judged. And it is about interacting with others without prejudice or bias; and accepting the way race, religion, gender, social class, sexual orientation, age and disability, are at the core of human identities. Understand that every human being has integrity and accept them just as they are.

However, you can take appropriate actions to protect or support yourself or others. Or you can let other people be themselves. Either way, you accept the truth and reality of the other person. You may not like it, and you may feel sad or angry about it; but at a deeper level, you will be at peace with yourself. That alone is energising. And sometimes, your decision to accept others as they are can help things get better than if you tried to change them.

You may be unable to accept someone, or many people, for countless reasons, and this has led you to think, speak or act negatively. For example, you may have difficulty accepting your spouse because he or she snores. He or she may also have little interest in sex or is unable to keep and maintain high personal hygiene. For other people, acceptance may be difficult for various reasons. But whatever the reasons are, remember that you can disagree with, make requests of, or stand up to other people and still accept them entirely.

When you accept other people, you can tolerate whatever comes up for you. And many times, you avoid accepting other people as a way of avoiding the feelings you would have if you accepted them. Now, consider how you got entangled with this other person, struggling to change him or her. When you do this, you will become aware of your rightness or wrongness, judgments, narrow views, hurts, longings, grievances and remorse. See if you can let go of some or even all of these entanglements. You will experience the comfort, the relief, and the peace of mind that come when you so do.

Also, consider how much you will like it when you know that someone else accepts you completely, just the way you are. It is a beautiful gift which you can also give to others when you accept them. Imagine how it can help improve your relationship with someone if that person knows that you accept him or her fully. Accepting others is a gift that gives back to the giver.

HOW TO ACCEPT OTHERS AS THEY ARE

You may have, at one time or another, had a hard time "fitting in" somewhere. Whether it was at school or work, in a group of friends, or even in your family, you can relate to feeling unaccepted at one time or the other. On the flip side, you can also think of a time when you had trouble accepting other people.

Acceptance is the ability to allow other people to be who they are. That means having a right to their opinions, feelings and thoughts. When you accept people as they are, you let go of your desire to change them. You allow them to feel the way they want to feel, and you let them be different and think differently from you. Everyone is different in one way or the other. Once you come to terms with this truth, you will be able to stop trying to change others to the people you want them to be, and start accepting them for who they are.

Acceptance of others is not easy when people act differently from the way you do. Many of us have trouble accepting those who are different. By learning the skill of acceptance as enunciated in this book, you will be better able to understand yourself and those who are different from you.

Acceptance of other people means dropping judgment and expectations of how you think people should act. It also means releasing the superiority complexes you might pick up at times when you feel more evolved spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. The truth is that you will never fully know what is going on in someone else's life. You may not know the full truth and all their stories; though, many times, you may try to write your version of their stories to suit your ego's best interest.

We have all been given very different lots in life, and so how we handle what life throws at us will be different. The point here is that it is not your duty to judge others for how they live their lives. It is not even your job to change people to make them "better" or more tolerable. Your job is to live in love and truth consistently.

When you accept others the way they are, you give them the space to find their path and learn their truth. To accept others as they are does not mean that you have to participate in their stories or mentalities. With acceptance and compassion, comes healthy boundaries.

If you are struggling in a relationship or situation with another person, try switching your mindset to allow them to be where they are on their path at that moment. Do not try to change them. Do not allow yourself to get wrapped up in their story. Just accept them and notice what happens.

In today's fast-changing world, it is essential to know how to be more accepting of others regardless of their beliefs, viewpoints, or opinions. Take the steps below to learn to be more accepting of others and embrace all the differences that others have to offer.

Watch your thoughts.

Think about what you are thinking. We often believe things about other people, judging them, without even realising it. Work on paying more attention to your thoughts and do your best to push them in a non-judgmental, more accepting direction.

Do not try to control other's feelings.

Have you ever tried to render help to someone with a problem, but felt that no matter what you do, you would not get through to them? Maybe you wanted to make them "see things your way," or "think more rationally." And in the end, they could not come around to your way of thinking. If this happened, the problem was not with the person you were trying to help, but with your approach to helping them.

When feelings are involved, there is no right or wrong answer. So, rather than trying to control or change other people's opinions, you must accept them. You must allow people to have and express their feelings without telling them how they should feel. Empathetic people understand that emotions are difficult to control, and they accept people’s feelings for what they are.

Allow others to be different.

We are all different. We live in a world of over seven billion people, as at the time of writing this book, according to the World Population Review. How can you then expect everyone to share the same beliefs and viewpoints as you? One of the most important ways of learning to accept others is to accept the fact that we are all different. Everyone has their story and something that makes them unique. So, rather than fight this fact, embrace it and become closer to accepting others.

The world would have been a very dull place to live in if everyone was the same as everyone else. If everyone were to look the same, have the same personality, the same interests and the same experiences, we would all lose interest in other people very quickly. Fortunately, each of us has a unique set of qualities that make us different from everyone else in the world. Even though we all know that these individual differences are for good, we sometimes feel uncomfortable with them. It is either we try to change people who are different from us, or we avoid or even ignore them completely.

You should be compassionate by having an open mind and accepting these differences. So, the next time you are around someone who appears to be your exact opposite, try and challenge yourself to know that person better. Find out more about them, and you will come out of the conversation feeling that you are not as different as you first thought. You will feel closer to that person, and as a result, you will be better able to understand them.

Give considerate advice.

Once you learn to allow others the right to their feelings, and the right to be different, you will be able to give better advice.

Have you ever spoken to other people about your problems, only to have them give you terrible advice? They may have responded in a way that made you wonder if they were listening to anything you were saying in the first place! Those people were probably listening to you, but they failed to put much consideration into their responses. Or, they let their feelings get in the way of yours. To show compassion, you must learn to give advice in a way that is in line with other people’s unique sensibilities, characteristics and personality.

Look out for the positive.

The inability to accept others is a result of seeing the negative in them. So, instead of focusing on the negative side of an individual, focus on the good side of that person, their choices and actions. Know that your way may not always be the best one. So, rather than looking at the negatives when learning to accept others, think about the positives of the experience. Every time you accept other people for who they are, you are opening up your life to new friends, new experiences, new opportunities and a new chance to learn how to accept others.

Do not be quick to judge.

It is easy to look at others and point out their faults. Sometimes we judge and criticise people without even realising it. A better and empathetic response would be to focus on the good in other people. When you accept other people as they are, it means you understand they are doing the best they can do at the moment. Remember, if they could do better, they would. Your judgment of other people is often a result of your criticisms. If you stop putting pressure on yourself to do things the "right" way, you will also stop putting pressure on others as well. Not judging yourself or others is an important step to acceptance.

Do not compare people.

The key to accepting other people as they are is not to compare them. To compare one person to another is like comparing a man to a woman. Unfortunately, most of us are guilty of this. We compare ourselves to others, and we also compare other people to some set standards. According to Theodore Roosevelt, "Comparison is the thief of joy." What he meant by this is that we will never be happy if we always compare ourselves to other people. This is because there will always be someone better, smarter or more luxurious than we are. So, instead of comparing people, you must accept that each person is on a different path in life.

Focus on the Present.

A lack of acceptance can come from comparing things to the past. Do not think about what happened before and try to live accordingly. Think about now. Comparing the present to the past always hinders the acceptance of what is. Don't let your past judgments cloud your ability to accept others in the present. If you had an unfortunate encounter with somebody in the past, it does not necessarily mean that you will have another bad experience in the future. Take each encounter as a new experience and try not to let your past keep you from enjoying the present and accepting the people around you.

Avoid Right or Wrong Dichotomies.

It is very tempting to see the world in black and white, with a right and wrong way of doing things. But that is not how it is always. Things do not have to be right or wrong all the time if we choose to accept them as they are. Stop labelling your ways as "right", and the ways of others as "wrong".

Know Their Past.

Everyone has a past and knowing the past is important in accepting them. Once you know someone's past, it is easier to understand them. It is when you accept someone's past (good or bad), that you can accept them as a whole.

Put Yourself In Their Shoes.

How can you accept someone if you do not understand where they are coming from? By empathising with others, you can get a better understanding of their opinions and beliefs. So, the next time you meet a man or woman with an opposing viewpoint, hear them out and try to understand the argument from their perspective.

Think Before You Speak.

When you encounter someone different from you, you might be tempted to blurt out whatever comes to mind first. But you should be cautious and think before you speak. You should not offend someone because they are different from you. And this will give you a chance to think of how to interact and accept others.

Learn From Them.

Just because someone else does not share the same ideas or beliefs as you does not mean that you cannot learn from them. Listen to their stories, hear their opinions, and try to take in as much from them as possible. It will open your eyes to see many things, and maybe even change your own beliefs.

We all have much work to do when it comes to accepting other people, especially those closest to us. It is easy to think of ourselves as an accepting person. However, when it comes to our daily interactions with people, we have to pay attention to them and ask ourselves if we are accepting them as they are.

Now, the big questions are: Are you accepting others as they are? Are you not thinking your way of doing things is always the best way? If you discover you are not as accepting as you would like to be, think about the ideas discussed above and see whether they would not help you to be a more accepting and loving person.

Sometimes it can be challenging to look past differences and accept others as they are when you do not have some things in common. But accepting those around you will honestly make your life better.

Acceptance in Relationship

Even though a lot of us know that we cannot always expect the people in our lives to behave the way we want, a lot of us waste our energy and time trying to force them to do so. And when they do not comply, we become sad, angry or frustrated by the fact that they are not acting the way we want them to act. This struggle to make people be who we want them to be, leave us unhappy, and also causes problems in our relationship with them.

When people are controlled or manipulated into changing their behaviour or pattern of life, they will become defensive and upset, and do precisely the opposite of what you want them to do. Anytime you feel hurt by someone else's behaviour not being what you want, it is assumed that you are taking their action personally.

When you impose your ideas on others and become upset when they don't buy your opinion, ego takes over and convinces you that the others are "wrong". This will make you angry and possibly get offended by something that most likely was not intended to be a personal attack. You allow yourself to be a victim of the circumstance. Anytime you allow the actions of another person to control your emotions to the point that you are offended, you give them the power to disturb your peace.

Anytime your happiness is left in the hands of someone else, no matter how well you get along with that person, it is not always a good idea. There may be times when they will not act according to your expectations, and therefore it is almost sure that you will get upset by them at some point.

Accepting another person's behaviour is usually not easy. However, it is the only thing that will truly free you from being a prisoner of their actions. The world does not revolve around the way you expect every situation to go. You cannot always force someone to do, say or act exactly the way you want them to. You do, however, have full power and control over your actions and behaviour.

So, if you find in your relationships that a person has repeatedly made you sad or angry, you have control whether to continue to put up with their behaviour or cut off the relationship. But know that you have no control over whether or not they will ever become the person you want them to be.

By only focusing on your behaviour and your reactions, you always remain captain of your ship. You are in complete control over your own choices. You are, therefore, not a helpless puppet, waiting for their behaviour to tell you whether you can be happy or sad.

There may come a time when you decide to walk away from a relationship, and there will be times when you choose to work it out with that person. It is always YOUR choice. With some practice in the art of acceptance, you will soon realise that not blaming anyone for anything proves to be the most empowering thing you have ever done for yourself.

At this point, take full responsibility for your life and stop insisting that others change their ways to meet your "standards" of how you think things should go. Take back your happiness by not leaving it in the hands of another person.

Daylle Deanna Schwartz, the Founder of The Self-Love Movement, and the author of Nice Girls Can Finish First, in her post titled, Accepting the Reality of People, told her personal story of acceptance, which is worth learning from. Here are excerpts from her post.

"Many of us complain about people, often the same people over and over for doing the same thing over and over. I used to be the queen of complaining about the kinds of things I often hear from others.

I finally learned one of the most valuable lessons of my life. I don't have to like what people do but must accept people as they are, flaws and all, and decide whether to deal with them. To affect change, you must accept people's rights to be the way they are. I call it Reality Training. This means recognizing that if you want to be happy, you need to accept people as they are and find ways to deal with how they are or don't.

It's your choice to tolerate or walk away from bothersome behaviour. That's reality! You only have two realistic choices – either stop dealing with the person OR accept him/her as is and change your response to them. Trying to change the person won't make them change. Changing your response can!

Most people won't change because you want them to. That's reality! YOU must change your response instead of trying to change them. When I recognised this, I was dating Ben. He drove me crazy by not making plans until the last minute, and I kept my time free waiting for his call. I complained a lot about how I turned down invites from friends because I didn't know when I'd see him, but it did no good.

I finally recognised that I had to accept his ways, but I didn't have to keep my time free. So I made plans with friends. When Ben called on Thursday about seeing a movie on Friday, I nicely said I had plans. He thought I was joking, then asked if I was mad. Nope! He heard me smiling. I explained that since he did his thing, I'd do mine. Ben got defensive, saying he's not used to advance plans. I sweetly said I'm not used to turning down friends in case my guy called. I accepted his ways. He must accept mine. That levelled the playing field. Slowly Ben made plans earlier. I expressed pleasure. Accepting his right to his way helped ME change and get more of what I wanted.

Adjust your expectations. What seems wrong can be right to someone else. That's reality! If something feels unacceptable, deal with it differently. Being self-righteous over behaviour you disagree with creates unnecessary stress. Lectures about good behaviour often fall on deaf ears. Once I accepted reality, I told a friend who was always late, "Meet at my place so I can do things while I wait." She did. Another friend rarely kept plans. He got insulted when I wouldn't commit to joining him for an event. I explained I couldn't take it seriously since he usually bailed. I accepted his way, but he needed to accept that I won't keep time open since things rarely pan out. He swore he'd keep his word, and he did. All because I accepted him and changed my response! People respond better to actions than complaints."

Final Thoughts on Acceptance

As the human being ages through time, the necessity to accept others as they are is yet an issue. Despite the numerous attempts made to impose the habit of tolerance on people, they keep on developing certain invulnerability to it. However, to establish an orderly civilised society, we need to accept others as they are to live in peace.

Personality goes a long way when it comes to accepting individuals. However, a cover can often hide a person's true colours. You must learn to respect people even when you don’t like the way they carry themselves or react in a specific situation.

Little is the knowledge we possess about a person's life and background, which means we should not judge them because of their personality. On the other hand, if the person's behaviour is annoying, you may choose to stay away, especially when the person is not very important to your life, because trying to understand does not hurt anyone. If you are successful, you can proudly say you are a tolerant person.

Attitude is also a trait we notice in individuals. People’s attitudes towards issues of your interests can significantly influence your perception of their personas, thereby altering one or more of the feelings you will eventually develop for them in the future. Know that attitude does not necessarily have to be accepted. Nevertheless, you must understand the reason for such an attitude to fairly judge it. As free spirits, it is unavoidable that people unfold different attitudes about specific issues.

Must You Accept Everything?

Certainly not! It is important to stress here that you do not necessarily have to accept everything. You don't have to become a doormat at the altar of acceptance. Accepting everything would mean denying the fact that you are a different individual, a person to be respected, and a human being with a will of your own.

You can accept a person without accepting their inappropriate behaviour. For example, you need not accept infidelity in your marriage.