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Passion and Romance

"Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it" —Rumi

Feng Shui Principle

“You must be a one before you can be a two.” In numerology, the number one comes before the number two. The metaphor in relationships is one where many of us try to find someone to “complete us,” or someone that we can teach, fix or save. By becoming whole first, we can bypass co-dependence and instead build a partnership that is mutually uplifting and sustainable over the long haul.

Color Your World

The best colors for attracting love are passion colors. Luscious reds, vibrant pinks and energizing oranges all stimulate the right chakras. Passionate purples and grounding golds are also helpful. For milder love, choose a lighter shade, a pastel or an off white with a hint of color.

Become Whole

We all want to be loved, and many of us will do just about anything to feel connected to love in some way. Some of these ways feel good and some of them leave us feeling dissatisfied. If a dynamic is imbalanced, we eventually move on until we find some new external source of our inspiration or happiness. If we seek for this source outside of ourselves, we continue a paradigm within which we are like love vampires, eternally destined to find our next fix—anyone to put out the inner burning of loneliness for awhile.

I used to be a love vampire. Having divorced parents led me to constantly seek attention. The attention felt really good, but it was never enough to truly satisfy my need, and as a result, I had many unrequited relationships. Eventually I realized it was a cycle that I needed to break. It was a children’s book that finally helped me realize the importance of becoming whole myself before I got into a relationship. The book—Shel Silverstein’s The Missing Piece—was written for kids, but is actually a perfect metaphor for relationships. In it, a circle with a missing piece is looking for someone or something to fill its hole, and is seeking something outside of itself to fill it. My interpretation: in life, most of us look outside of ourselves for missing pieces to fill our holes.

Take a look around your life

Are there any areas of shame surrounding your physical appearance, self-esteem, health or finances? If so, this shame might spill over into the relationship you are seeking. They are never going to be perfect, but if you can start tackling the work of rebalancing these parts of your life, you will feel better and that good feeling will carry over into your love relationships. Many of my friends have told me how attracted they are to people they see owning and working on their “stuff.” Our baggage comes to light sooner or later, so why not start now?

It’s as if each of us wanders the earth with a glass of precious water. We come across someone who is thirsty and pour some of our water into their glass. It satisfies them, for a while. Or we are walking around empty, thirsty, and we do whatever it takes to get someone to pour some of their water into our glass. When we fall in love, we might pour the entire contents of our glass into our lover’s glass in an effort to demonstrate our love. Sensing that our glass is empty, they might pour the entire contents back into our glass. And back and forth we pour and sip and spill from each other’s glasses until we run out.

If we would simply stop for a moment and turn around, there is an infinite, energetic source available to us at any time. It’s like a waterfall: abundant, ever flowing and infinite. All we need to do is draw inside and we can fill our own glass at will. If everyone became aware of their own inner source of infinite supply, it might completely transform the paradigm of relationships and their purpose in our lives.

As Steven Covey describes in his book The Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, we all move through different stages of dependence. When we’re born, we’re dependent on our parents. After the dependency stage, we are invited to become completely independent. From independence, we can move into a state of interdependence (when two whole people come together.) If we never become a whole person during the independence stage, when we connect with others, it creates a form of co-dependence where we look to the other person to complete us in some way. Whatever is unresolved in our past relationships becomes the baggage we bring with us from relationship to relationship.

This isn’t to say we have to wait until we are in some idealized state of perfection before we can be with someone. Just like we don’t throw away every item we own before we move (we don’t completely start anew), the invitation is to only bring with us what is most important to us. This period of self-discovery before we call another person into our lives can help us to avoid bringing extra “stuff” to the table. We will always have lessons in life, but the more freedom we bring to the relationship, the more open we are to co-creating a beautiful life.

Break Bad Patterns

I’ve had clients complain to me that in relationships, they keep meeting the same person over and over again. If that’s true for you, it might be time to do an inner feng shui cleanse. The common denominator in all of these relationships is you; perhaps you’re putting something out there that keeps attracting the same situation. Do you have recurring thoughts about yourself that might be influencing the people you are attracting? For example, a woman in Karen Rauch Carter’s book Move Your Stuff, Change Your Life kept saying she wanted a husband, over and over again. “I want to meet a husband.” All she kept meeting were married men.

The first step is to recognize that you have a pattern. You may have no idea how you got there, but you know you don’t like it and you want a way out. You may crawl around in the dark, but eventually you do what it takes and you will find a way out. The next time may be different.

As soon as you become aware of a pattern, see if you can watch the whole process like an outside observer. It’s only by becoming aware of what we’re doing that we can make a change. Once we have mastery at changing a pattern that is no longer serving us, we can avoid that pattern altogether.

There's a Hole in My Sidewalk

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

By Portia Nelson

Chapter One

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost .... I am helpless.

It isn’t my fault.

It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter two

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I pretend that I don’t see it.

I fall in again.

I can’t believe I am in this same place.

But, it isn’t my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter three

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I see it is there.

I still fall in ... it’s a habit ... but my eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

Chapter four

I walk down the same street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I walk around it.

Chapter five

I walk down another street.

Your Words Give You Away

I have a dear friend who several years ago was diagnosed with a severely advanced form of cancer. She went through several rounds of chemo, lost all of her hair and spent her entire savings (and then some) going through treatment. She rehabilitated by getting regular acupuncture, changing her diet and taking a steady regimen of Chinese herbs. Today she is cancer free. It is miraculous to see and she is an inspiration to many.

When I first met her, it was rare to go through a conversation or a meal without her telling a story that started with “when I had cancer” or “having been through cancer” or “the people who helped me through cancer.” It is truly a miracle that she is still with us. I admire her spirit, her friendship and everything she has taught me. In this case, she has demonstrated how parts of our story may be the lens through which we see everything in our lives.

I can tell a lot about a client from the way they talk about themselves, the important people in their life and their circumstances. I can tell if they are positive or negative, if they are hopeful or resigned and if they are telling themselves an old story of past pain.

I have clients who speak about wanting to find love, but the second they talk about the men in their life, their whole energy changes. I hear a new tone or see body language, but most of all hear negative words about how evil their ex was. Their words indicate that they are still incredibly angry or resentful or both. And even though these people didn’t feel angry, they were still upset at something that had happened that they were unwilling or unable to understand, accept or forgive. Unresolved feelings toward an ex or parent can create an energetic barrier to receiving love from someone new.

Watch Your Language

How you talk to yourself is immensely important. Words are very powerful. They help us create the stories we tell ourselves about ourselves. These stories can help us feel empowered and confident, or foolish and unlovable. As my dear friend and acting coach Warner Loughlin likes to say, “Choice affects perception and perception affects choice.” We have a choice in how to perceive things. Through our change in perception, we may change the opportunities that present themselves.

Perhaps you notice certain words you use to describe yourself or your current circumstances. For example, there’s a difference between feeling lonely and being alone. Loneliness implies some sort of lack. Perhaps a lack of connection to another person, to the community we are in, or to our own source. In this way, feeling loneliness becomes more of a burden. The invitation is to shift your perspective and to re-empower yourself.

The implication of feeling lonely is I’m alone and I have no choice.

Is there a way to rethink this by deciding that it is a choice? Try to experience what it feels like to say I’m choosing to be alone because, at the moment, there’s no one I want to be with. Even if you are trying to get over someone, there’s a difference between confidently knowing that the universe has your back and choosing to believe a disempowering story like I couldn’t go on a date even if I wanted to, or nobody likes me.

This ties in perfectly with co-dependency. If someone isn’t comfortable being alone, they are likely to attract another lonely person instead of a whole, integrated person choosing to be with a whole, integrated person. The loneliness feeling might be a precursor to self-sabotaging behavior—whether it’s eating your way out of it, giving all of your power away, sleeping around or dating people you know are wrong for you.

So how do we break these patterns? Some people say a mantra to reconnect them to the source of their power and confidence. Others work at gathering evidence that they aren’t alone by focusing on what they do have in their lives instead of what they don’t have. In their case, it is changing a story about separateness, which ultimately is an illusion.

Whatever you think or say after the words “I AM…”is very powerful. See if you can change the story you tell yourself about yourself and the world around you will begin to change. I, myself, have experienced this. A few years ago, I noticed that whenever anyone would ask me how I was doing, I replied, “I’m OK. I’m not bad.” That answer seemed to be socially acceptable. The conversation didn’t last very long, and nobody got uncomfortable. Then I noticed that a friend of mine would answer that question with “I’m wonderful!” It made me wonder which created which? Did saying “I’m wonderful” create the day that way?

From then on, my reply to that question—on purpose—became “I’m wonderful! I’m excellent. Things are amazing.” As soon as I started doing that, I noticed the parts of my life that already were those things, and by saying “I’m wonderful” or “I’m excellent,” it usually directed my day toward having a wonderful experience.

Invite Love Into Your Life

Be your own best partner. Be willing to take yourself on a date, even if you’re with friends. Go to the restaurants you might like to go on a date. Toast as if you are celebrating the love in your life. Put yourself in the environment of romance—watch your favorite romantic comedies, read poetry about love. Do what feels good to you.

Be aware of what you are putting out there. Are you putting out a vibration that is magnetic and drawing people in, or repelling and pushing people away? Think about someone who feels hopeless, lonely or bitter. Does that make you feel more drawn to them or pushed away?

Create an inner environment of hope, positivity and feeling good. Get a massage. Do Yoga. Play basketball or take Jiu Jitsu. Do things that make you feel good in your skin, feel good physically or feel confident. All of those things make you more magnetic.

Know what you want so you can articulate it to others. If you don’t know what you like, go explore. Try bringing yourself fresh flowers from the farmer’s market. Look at different types, smell them, get to know their names and meanings and then see how they feel in your house. A client in one of my You Can Have It All workshops told me that the number one thing she wanted in her life was a relationship. I gave her this task—buying flowers for herself every week until someone else took over the job. Within a month, she started dating someone who did take over the job, and she is still dating him now.

You need to be able to articulate your needs and desires to someone when you’re in a relationship, so start gathering information now so you can be prepared.

Realize That Passion and Romance Are On the Way

I know we would all like to have evidence that things are happening, but it never seems to work like that. We never seem to have absolute certainty before we act. That’s what a leap of faith is all about—we act and trust that the evidence will come later. You would never dig up the seeds you plant in your garden each night to see if they are growing. We must do our actions and then endure the unknown period between action and result.

One way to help with the in-between stage is to go inside and recognize that what you’re manifesting is already on its way. Imagine someone emails you an attachment and you start to download it. You watch the progress bar and wait …1%, 30%, 75%. It’s on its way, but watching the progress bar doesn’t make it happen any faster. There’s no way to see the “progress bar” when it comes to love, but you can start to notice little changes as your relationship “downloads.”

Notice how people are responding to you in the world. Maybe someone notices something different about you, or you catch someone giving you a lingering look, or someone pays you an unexpected compliment. These are all signs that your inner seeds are taking root and sprouting. Your inner magnet is turned on, and it’s only a matter of time before the evidence of a relationship comes into your experience.

Get Out There and Date

When I first moved to Los Angeles, a psychic to the celebrities told me (as lovingly as possible) that I had no dating personality. He told me I was either on the path to marriage, or I was in the friend zone. To a degree, he was right. I put everyone into a category immediately and there was no gray area. So I started going out on dates—some with girls who were truly friends and some romantic dates. I was practicing and gathering information on what it was that I wanted. Soon it became easier for me to go beyond first impressions and see the person that was really there in front of me.

Dating is important in the process of finding love. It’s up to you to decide if you feel comfortable dating one person at a time or multiple people simultaneously. If dating multiple people at once is within your comfort zone, it can be a great way to compare people in real time. A relationship coach named Pat Allen suggests that if you date one person, the pressure is on: it’s all or nothing. With two people it’s either/or. By dating three people at once, there’s diversification, which is good for business and allows you to compare prospective partners in real time. Dating multiple people simultaneously requires a lot of honesty with you and with others. What are the rules? What’s in bounds? What’s off limits? How do you communicate enough to be respectful, but not so much that you feel like you’re divulging too much information for everyone’s comfort? It can be a tricky balance.

Everyone is going to create their own list of guidelines based on what makes them feel comfortable, but the key thing is to use consideration for another person’s feelings. If you were the other person, what would you appreciate hearing about what you are doing?

Perhaps you will tell the other person that you are dating right now. You may decide to date a few people but without involving sex. That doesn’t mean you can’t have sex if you want to, but the general common knowledge is that sex complicates things. Obviously, as soon as something changes for you and you want to make a commitment with someone, communicate your desire and hopefully they feel the same way. If everyone involved has clear ideas of what they are agreeing to, then it can make for easier waters to navigate.

If you’re with one person and you think they’re fantastic and could be the one for you, it doesn’t mean you need to force yourself to go out with other people. You don’t have to torture yourself. Some people might have their head spin if they date more than one person at a time. Only you can know what works for you. If your tendency has been one way and it doesn’t seem to be working, perhaps you might try taking a different approach. See how it feels.

Put It On Display

It’s important to be aware of what you are selling. This helps people understand what agreements you are inviting them into. Do you want to get married? Have a long-term committed relationship? Have a fling? Have several flings? At their core, relationships come down to agreements between two people. I would like to make this agreement with you; are you willing? The main way people become frustrated is if they think they have an understanding of what you want, and then come to understand that you actually want something different. You might feel nervous about stating the truth so quickly into your relationship. You may have to risk being judged for what you want or rejected because you aren’t on the same page. With the person you are meant to be with, it won’t matter. Even if it comes out clumsy, it’s important to know and share the truth. It will come out at some point, and you can save a lot of time, money and heartache with being clear about your intentions up front.

The second way that this comes into play is with your physical attributes. Some people are self-conscious about their bodies, so they want to hide in some way. Others might like certain aspects of themselves, but want to distract from other aspects. This is normal. We want to be liked; we don’t want to be rejected. But if you are selling friendship, then you will attract opportunities for friends. And if you want romance, part of it is allowing the other person to really see you to decide if they like what they see.

One client told me that she liked her body, but didn’t want to be with someone if that was that was the only thing they were interested in. To her, somehow having someone interested in her physically implied that they were shallow and couldn’t also respect her mind, her dreams or her feelings. We discussed her ultimate goal as being with someone who liked her on all levels. I asked her if she was willing to consider that by hiding, she might be putting out a confusing signal. She considered how she could envision a win-win partnership that included physical attraction, but that it wasn’t the only factor in the relationship. She found an outfit that made her feel good in her skin, that showed off her body in a way that she felt comfortable with. The very next night, she got attention from some girl friends wanting to know why she was dressed this way (they weren’t used to it, but they liked it) and several guys who paid attention to her throughout the evening. She called me the next day incredibly excited. Putting herself out there made it easier for people to see her in a romantic way.

S.E.X.= Sacred Energy eXchange

My teacher Yasuhiko used to refer to sex as a sacred energy exchange, and it’s important to be careful who you choose to exchange energy with. As it turns out, there may be scientific rationale behind this concept. A book called the Secret Life of Plants by Peter Tompkins and Christopher Bird was written about the controversial work of Cleve Backster, who founded the CIA’s polygraph unit after World War II.

Backster’s work focused on the subject of biocommunication, in which he experimented with the effect that human consciousness had on plants. The phenomena is now known as the Backster Effect. Backster hooked up the leads of a lie detector to thousands of plants. He went on to attach the leads to cells including those of amoeba, yeast, mold, blood and sperm. What he discovered is that there is a communication system between thoughts and these cells. The most surprising discovery was that this affect could be produced over distance, which explains why twins have been known to feel what their sibling is feeling at the same moment, even if they are far away. Their cells are literally in communication with each other.