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“I’m Getting a Brother or Sister!”

Kids Develop Expectations Pre-Adoption

Parents come to the adoption process along many avenues. Some are moved by the stark images of orphans across the globe. Others intersect with a child along their career path—a teacher or coach learns that a student or team member needs a “forever” family. Perhaps a foster child or a relative’s child unexpectedly becomes available for adoption. A single adult comes to adoption out of a desire to become a parent. No matter the route the parents take to make a decision to adopt, brothers- and sisters-to-be develop a set of expectations about the sibling who is to come and join their family. This chapter will provide an overview of the expectations of the kids residing in the family prior to the arrival of the adoptee. We’ll look at parental and professional contributions to these expectations as well.

It is important to note that brothers, sisters, and parents present pre-adoption with expectations that are ideal and optimistic. Certainly, these attitudes, feelings, and beliefs are wonderful for the newly arrived son or daughter to experience. Frequently, children available for adoption haven’t always been welcomed so wholeheartedly into a family or haven’t had the opportunity to live with a family at all. Yet forming realistic expectations increases the family’s ability to accept the new family member with all of his needs and to integrate him into the existing family system.

Kids’ expectations include…

“I will have a playmate!”

When asked, many children state, “A new brother or sister will be so much fun!” In fact, this is the most prominent expectation with which the appropriately developing children approach the pending adoption. They perceive that they are getting a playmate with whom they will ride a bike, toss a football, share their dolls, play dress up, or totally defeat at video games.

“I was excited and even ecstatic. I had bothered my parents all my life to adopt again. I was adopted as a baby. I was an only child and very lonely. When I heard that my parents were adopting, I thought I was finally going to have play partners. Siblings will be fun and we could help kids have a better life at the same time.”

“I thought having a brother would be a lot of fun. I thought my brother would be so much fun to play with. Since we adopted my brother, it has been really noisy at our house. Whenever he gets mad, he will scream and cry. Also, when he doesn’t get something he wants, he will scream and scream!”

“I will have someone to teach!”

Some believe that they will get a younger brother or sister who will seek out and benefit from their help with homework or who will be open to absorbing their knowledge. “I can hardly wait to teach her to read!” “I bet he’ll be really impressed with my iPod® playlists. I can teach him everything about music!”

“Great! I’ll have help with chores!”

Other children may be excited by the prospect of a sibling who will share in the chores. “We can take turns loading the dishwasher!”

Such expectations make sense, especially if there is a healthy sibling relationship in the family prior to the arrival of a brother or sister by adoption. Simply put, siblings are socialization agents. The sibling relationship provides a context for social development. Through ongoing, long-term interactions, siblings teach each other how to play and how to make and keep friends.

As they become tweens and teens, brothers and sisters share advice about clothing, hair, dating, driving, and everything else that comes along with growing up. They help each other and teach each other. Brother–sister relationships provide opportunities for the expression of feelings, sometimes intense feelings like those that go along with sibling rivalry! They are there for each other to share the excitement of a first date or the devastation of the subsequent break-up. They learn the art of competition, the fun of board games, or touch football in the back yard. Then they cheer each other on at sporting events. They offer a support system that continues through adulthood (Powell and Gallagher 1993).

Given that the birth- and/or previously adopted children are routinely excluded from pre-adoptive education efforts—which would challenge their expectations—it makes even more sense that siblings-to-be enter the adoptive process from a positive perspective.

Parent’s expectations include…

“I want my children to have more siblings”

Erick and Marianne adopted Peter as a toddler. They were concerned that Peter would be alone at some point in his life. They felt adoption offered him the opportunity to have “company” now and later. When Peter was age nine, they adopted Mark and Mike, ages ten and six respectively.

“Prior to the adoption, I was not so keen on the thought of bringing another child or children, in my case, into an already settled home environment. I was 16 years old. Of course, I knew that since I had gone my entire life without having siblings it would take some getting used to. My parents had looked at many children and we were under the impression that they would adjust well to our home. We were so naive. We expected them not to have problems and not to have been abused. We expected that these were basically normal healthy children.”

The decision by parents to have more than one child is sometimes a desire to offset loneliness in the first-born or adopted, a hope to create opportunities for healthy competition, and a wish to provide their children with the “gift” of a ready-made playmate or companion. Mothers and fathers often envision that their children will magically become close, affectionate, and mutually responsive and may even remain lifelong friends—a parental legacy expressed in the phrase “After we’re gone, you’ll always have each other” (Bank and Kahn 1997).

Sibling relationships are important

The above expectation is quite understandable because the brother and sister relationship is taking on greater importance in light of changes in family structure:

 • The average number of siblings is currently one.

 • The sibling relationship is our longest relationship. Longer lifespan means that we may become dependent on our siblings, rather than our partners, throughout the course of our lives.

 • An increase in divorce and geographic mobility may cause us, young and old alike, to cling tightly to the constancy and permanency a brother or sister can provide.

 • The absence of parents due to stress, employment obligations, and divorce invites brothers and sisters to band together as a mutual support system (Goetting 1986).

These facts make clear that positive sibling relationships are of great value. It is no surprise, then, that parents expect and want to create intimate bonds between their resident children and the sibling they add by adopting.

The expectation of close sibling ties is created by other factors as well. These factors are explored on the following pages. It should be noted that the content of this book focuses on sibling relationships from birth through late adolescence—the time in which siblings are growing up together.

Expectations inherent in developmental tasks

Siblings have three primary developmental tasks in childhood and adolescence. First, and most important, siblings provide companionship, friendship, comfort, and affection for one another. Siblings are social agents.

Second, brothers and sisters are a primary means of child care. It is probably true that single-parent families, families in which both parents work, large families, and families overwhelmed by a child with a disability are more likely to delegate care-taking responsibilities to their sons and daughters.

Lastly, siblings benefit each other by managing relationships in various ways between parents and siblings. A child can protect a brother or sister from a confrontation with the parent by distracting Mom or Dad from the potentially explosive situation. Brothers and sisters can join forces with one another against the parent to strengthen resources for negotiation (Goetting 1986). For example:

“If you bought us all bikes, you could save a lot of driving time and gas!”

As a second example:

Melanie, age seven, was under the care of her 16-year-old sibling, Carol, for the summer. Melanie, adopted at age two from Belarus, has a limited sense of danger and lacks comprehension of the consequences of her actions. While Carol was babysitting, several of her friends stopped by. A television commercial regarding drugs caused the older children to make what they thought were some humorous comments about drug addicts. Melanie’s interpretation of their remarks was “I would be cool and likeable if I took drugs.” And, indeed she did. She swallowed almost a whole bottle of a prescription medication. Melanie’s vital signs stabilized with the assistance of a 911 team. Carol explained to her very upset parents that Melanie’s behavior was the result of the conversation with her friends. Carol intervened on Melanie’s behalf and quite nicely diffused the situation. Melanie’s parents were able to calmly discuss this situation with each other and Melanie. Since this incident, Carol’s friends no longer stop by while she cares for Melanie. All medications have been placed in locked containers. Melanie’s grandmother visits more frequently while Melanie’s parents are at work.

Expectations abound within these developmental tasks. Visions of siblings playing games, ganging up on Mom and Dad to obtain privileges, and assisting with household responsibilities are the types of experiences families want to facilitate, as well as experience for themselves. Carol and Melanie help us understand that blending children—typically developing and traumatized—may or may not play out as dreamed about pre-adoption. Chapter 2 will expand on the types of difficulties the child with a history of trauma may bring to the adoptive family.

“I would tell other kids not to assume anything. That’s what I did, and it was totally the opposite.”

Expectations derived from roles

Who were you in the family? Were you the “peacemaker”? Were you the “responsible one”? The sibling relationship can be a major determinant of both identity formation and self-esteem (Cicirelli 1995). Think about the following questions as you read this segment:

 • What are my expectations of sibling relationships?

 • Did I always get along with my brother or sister?

 • Did I willingly share friends with my close-in-age sister?

 • Did I willingly babysit my younger brother?

 • Did I feel resentful or angry when my sibling “got away with” a behavior for which I was certain that I would have received consequences?

 • How are my sibling relationships at the present time?

 • What was my role in the family?

 • Do I have expectations about what roles my appropriately developing children will assume once I become an adoptive parent?

 • Do I have expectations as to what role my child by adoption will assume once she enters my family?

 • What experiences have I had in which my expectations were not met? How did I feel in these situations? How did I cope with these situations?

 • What are my expectations of my spouse?

 • Are we united about adopting?

 • About child-rearing?

 • About the division of household responsibilities?

 • Are my expectations about adopting changing as I am provided with information from my agency’s pre-adoptive training program, readings, surfing the Internet, and networking with families already parenting an adopted child?

 • What are my typically developing children’s expectations of a new sibling?

 • Have I talked with them?

Birth order

Place in the family—oldest, youngest, middle child—figures prominently in adult perceptions of sibling relationships as well. Birth order contributes to role identification, and as adults we often carry out the roles learned as children—“the helper,” “the baby,” “the older responsible one.” Thus, our role becomes a large part of our identity.

There exists a bias within the child welfare system to avoid placements that move a typically developing brother or sister out of his or her role as oldest child.

When Mike and Nancy added Patty and Dave to their family, their birth son, Ryan, age 11, became the second oldest. Patty was ten months older than Ryan. Ryan’s difficulty adjusting to Patty and Dave had nothing to do with the birth order. In fact, Ryan continued to receive all of the privileges usually ascribed to the oldest child as his development was in accord with his chronological age.

Patty’s development, on the other hand, because of the pre-adoptive trauma she had experienced, resembled that of a child about five or six years old. Therefore, her freedoms and the possessions provided to her were doled out based on what she could handle in light of her developmental delays. Ryan’s adjustment was related to the behavioral problems Patty and Dave brought into the family. Patty, who had an extensive history of trauma, had experienced 11 placements prior to coming to live in Mike and Nancy’s home. Throughout her residences, her place in the family had changed repeatedly. Sometimes she was the oldest. Sometimes she was the youngest. Sometimes she was the middle child.

Parents know their children best. If mothers and fathers feel strongly that one of their sons or daughters needs to retain his or her place as oldest or youngest, then the newcomer should arrive at the according age. And, vice versa, if a mom and dad know that their kids can handle a shift in position, then the newcomer can arrive at any age within the parameters set by the parents-to-be. As the example of Patty and Ryan makes clear, birth order isn’t always the biggest factor when the family expands via adoption. Later, we’ll explore an array of “common challenges” an adoptive family can face after the child with a history of trauma arrives.

Ascribed roles

Roles in the family may also be ascribed due to qualities—for example, “the brain” or “the beauty.” When parents extend and elaborate these differences over the years, these assigned traits may become a person’s lifelong and satisfying identity. However, a negative role such as being a “fool,” “the bad seed,” or the “black sheep” can become a yoke around a son or daughter’s neck; it may begin innocently, but once set in motion it remains fixed and even grows with terrible consequences for a lifetime (Bank and Kahn 1997).

Referring back to Patty, her moves were the result of negative behaviors. Foster family after foster family refused to deal with Patty’s aggression, lying, and bed-wetting. Patty’s ascribed role was that she was “bad” and “difficult.” Her ascribed role caused her to act poorly. She defined herself as “too bad for anyone to keep.” The worse she acted, the more she moved. And the more she said to herself, “See I am ‘bad!’” It was a six-year endeavor to assist Patty to see herself in a more positive light.

The roles learned in a child’s family of origin lend themselves to creating expectations of the roles parents believe the adopted child will assume. As Patty makes clear, adopted children may have little experience with roles or they may have taken on a role that is not beneficial to themselves or the adoptive family.

Time as an expectation

One year seems to be a marker frequently put forth as an adjustment period. It seems that there is a belief that in about a year the newly adopted child will be established in the adoptive family and the adoptive family will be settled and moving forward. Yet, as we’ll learn later in this book, the child’s traumatic past may take years to overcome. Two other factors that may further exacerbate the time it will take to integrate a child into an adoptive family are psychological fit and shared history.

Psychological fit

Psychological fit relates to the interplay between parental experiences, expectations, desires, and wishes and the child’s capabilities and performance (Trout 1986). Psychological fit is also applicable to the brothers and sisters in the family built by adoption. Let’s exemplify this concept:

Peggy and Cameron had four children by birth, ranging in age from seven to 14. Their children were all healthy, excelled academically, and had terrific musical and artistic talents. Evenings were spent singing and playing the piano, flute, trombone, and cello. The family was fortunate financially. They decided to share their blessings by adopting an orphan. Eight-year-old Owen joined the family from Columbia. Owen struggled academically. He preferred baseball, soccer, and swimming to reading and math. He also had no interest in singing or playing an instrument. His lack of “fit” affected everyone in the family.

Peggy stated, “We simply cannot relate to him. He is not like us at all. We certainly expected that he would choose to do well in school. We thought that he would accept our interests as his own. We have attended his sporting events and have disliked every moment spent as spectators.”

Peggy and Cameron ultimately made the decision to dissolve their adoption of Owen. They felt that trying to blend Owen into their family was comparable to putting a round peg into a square hole—Owen would never “fit.” A new family was located for Owen. This family enthusiastically enjoys watching Owen score home runs and goals.

As a second example:

Donna is the youngest of three female adolescent birth children. Several years ago, her family adopted Maggie, currently age nine. Maggie is clumsy. It seems that every time she enters a room she breaks something. She has little knowledge of personal boundaries. She enters Donna’s bedroom without knocking. If she sees something she likes, she takes it. She constantly interrupts conversations. She is “busy”—she walks or runs around the house constantly. Sitting still is difficult for Maggie.

Donna expected a sister who would enjoy dressing up, painting her nails, and having her hair styled. These were all things she enjoyed with her birth sisters. Maggie would have none of this. Maggie preferred toy trains and cars. She liked noisy toys that she could move around the house. Donna and her sisters were quite compliant children. They wanted to please their parents. Maggie, on the other hand, wanted to do things her way. Donna couldn’t comprehend this type of disobedience. Daily conflict erupted due to Maggie’s insolence. Donna wrote the following:

“I found it increasingly hard as the years went on to bond with Maggie. I felt most of my family’s arguments and problems were her fault. I resented her a lot for the problems that began to arise in my family, especially the constant arguments. It became really hard for me to be nice to her and even to think about getting close to her. I was mean to her. I yelled at her for not doing anything. I hated to be in the same room with her. I blamed everything on her.

“I have had to work hard to overcome my feelings of resentment towards her. I no longer get irritated by her as much or as quick. I try to do fun things with her that I know she will like and that will be fun for her. When I look back at how mean I used to be to her, I feel terrible about it. I never want to act that way towards her again. It made me sad to think how much I could have been hurting her feelings and her views about herself. I now know she isn’t the whole reason my family gets into arguments. I am able to handle being around her and playing with her without getting frustrated, angry, or annoyed by her. I was able to become closer to her and know she was going to be my sister forever if I liked it or not. I would have to make it work without hurting her or myself.”

Donna’s poignant account helps us understand the personal struggle that she underwent in order to attain a level of “fit” with her sister. Maggie did not live up to Donna’s expectations or experience of a sister. Maggie entered the family with her own unique interests, abilities, temperament, strengths, weaknesses, values, and attributes. Initially, Donna focused on all of the things Maggie didn’t have. Ultimately, Donna realized that there were some areas the two could share. She went about connecting—“fitting”—with Maggie in those areas. At present, Donna and Maggie can sometimes be found laughing together!

“I knew it was a mistake. I mean you have to figure we already had kids. We had two girls and two boys. We didn’t need another person and we didn’t have room for another person. You’re dealing with a person whose ways are different. You’re dealing with a teenager who’s basically set in their ways. They have different values to you and your family. So you’re trying to put them in a new system and they’re used to doing what they want to do. I didn’t expect anything. I just didn’t want him to come. I didn’t care if he was going to be difficult or great. I had a brother and two sisters. What else do you need?”

Many adoptive families will have to follow Donna’s lead. Experiences, expectations, desires, and wishes will have to be tailored to “fit” with the unique characteristics of the adoptee. This will be a process for each member of the adoptive family—parents, the children already in the family, and the child about to move into the family.

Shared history

Almost all of us have had the experience of being the “new person.” For example, when you started your job, how long did it take to get to know your co-workers, the workplace dynamics, the formal and informal rules, where supplies were located, and so on? Learning all of this and assimilating into the workplace probably took time. Learning about a family and incorporating into a family will most likely take longer. The formation of relationships between parents, brothers, and sisters will occur gradually for the new arrival and over a long period of time—perhaps years.

Psychological fit is further complicated as the toddler or older adopted child is someone who is not initially a “true” sibling. He is placed into the sibling role but does not know the rules by which the other children (whether born into the family or adopted into it years before) have grown up (Ward and Lewko 1988). For that matter, he also does not know the family history, the likes and dislikes of family members, the inside jokes, the holiday traditions, birthdays, and so forth.

Parents and professionals alike must curb their expectations and their internal calendars for when change is expected. Having high expectations that must be achieved within a certain period of time and attempting to assimilate the child into the family within that time period may only lead to disappointment for all involved.

Parental and professional contributions to kids’ expectations

“I am supposed to have a positive attitude about my new sibling”

Parents and professionals often unknowingly contribute to the resident children’s expectations. One common method of preparing brothers and sisters for the arrival of an adopted sibling is to emphasize that the child is unfortunate and needs parents and a permanent home. Brothers- and sisters-to-be are admonished to make the adoptee feel at home and to help atone for the past deprivations experienced by the newcomer (Poland and Groze 1993; Ward and Lewko 1988).

Such post-adoption sentiments continue when parents encourage the resident children, “Put yourself in his place—he hasn’t had what you have had,” “We need to be more understanding,” “We need to be more sensitive to how she feels.” Such statements cause birth and/or previously adopted children to believe that they must maintain a positive attitude about the adoptive child and thus the experience overall. The typically developing children often believe a positive attitude is expected of them. Therefore, resident children keep questions and concerns to themselves.

Expectations and reality often clash

Subsequent content will demonstrate that children arriving from institutional care and/or after abuse, neglect, and abandonment are not always capable of being good playmates, nor do they always readily accept help with their homework. They may have a preference for attempting to manage their own needs rather than seeking assistance from a parent or sibling. Their traumatic pre-placement experiences have left them with fragmented development and as such their actual skills are in discord with their chronological ages.

The following statements made by typically developing children, ages six to 15, will offer an indication of what may happen when expectations do not match with reality. These sentiments were expressed in interviews I conducted with resident children several years after an adoption had taken place in their family.

“I expected children who were like my sister and me. I thought I could teach them the fun things I did when I was younger, like dolls, sidewalk chalk, and sewing. At first, there was a nice period. And then they basically started terrorizing the house—running around, breaking things, fighting. So it turned into a mess. I expected a lot different from what we got.”

“Well, I wasn’t really prepared for the big change. I had two sisters and a brother before he came. We got along and played a lot. I thought he would be the same. I didn’t think that he would be the way that he was. I thought he was going to be like us, more civilized.”

“I wanted a sister who would like to play games and use her imagination with me. I thought it would be pretty fun having her here. Her behavior has not been very good. We have to do a lot more work helping her than we used to. My dad has more gray hair now. Our house isn’t as much fun because she takes up most of our time. It kinda upsets me. I thought we were going to get a baby. It does make me happy that I can see what she does that’s wrong so I can keep from doing that myself.”

“He was staying with one of our friends. I met him for like two minutes at a fair. I figured it wouldn’t matter; just someone to hang around the house and play with and stuff. I was wrong. I am eight months older and I expected to just have another brother to hang out with. He’s a pain. He isn’t as bad as he used to be, but he’s still so annoying.”

Chapter summary

 • Before the adoption, birth and/or previously adopted children develop positive expectations about the sibling joining the family. They look forward to passing on knowledge, playing, and sharing chores. Parents and professionals—unknowingly—contribute to these positive, enthusiastic expectations.

 • Parents frequently envision a family comprised of children engaged in playful, enjoyable relations. Yet the adoptee who has previously been neglected, abandoned, and/or abused may arrive with a host of issues. Family members may struggle to maintain the peace, joy, and harmony that satiated the family prior to the adoption. Time will be needed to restore the emotional climate of the home.

 • Birth order, ascribed roles, psychological fit, and shared history contribute to how quickly or gradually the post-adoption adjustment of typical and traumatized siblings may occur.

 • Expectations and reality clash post-adoption. Yet families armed with knowledge can rebuild. Brothers, sisters, mothers, fathers, and the adoptee will adjust their expectations. Each family member will begin to accept the other’s unique qualities and strengths as well as their warts and blemishes! Kids and parents will learn to “fit” with one another.