Читать книгу Welcoming a New Brother or Sister Through Adoption - Arleta James - Страница 7

3

“Yes, We Brothers and Sisters Need Information”

Pre-Adoption Preparation

“Experienced” sisters and brothers tell us that parents must be proactive in offering information (Meyer and Vadasy 1994). Advice from adolescent age veteran siblings includes:

“Get all the information on the new kid that you can! Keep communication open. Tell your kids what’s going on and what you’re doing about it. To other kids, ‘Don’t assume anything about your new brother or sister.’”

“If people are thinking of adopting, they need to get as much background information on the child before they make a final decision just so that they know exactly what they’re going to be dealing with. And I know sometimes they won’t get that information. Go to classes to be prepared, so that you would know the child could be disruptive and you know how you would handle it, and the child could not be disruptive and then you will have a nice family. I would also tell them that they should adopt if they really want to because every kid deserves a home.”

So, based on these children’s expert advice, in this chapter we’ll explore the nuts and bolts of preparing the children already in the family at the time of the adoption for the newcomer’s arrival. “Family Talk” boxes are also included. These are examples of talking with your resident children about the new child. As you come across these Family Talk blurbs, think about actually having such conversations with the children you parent now.

“Family Talk” about a sibling-to-be arriving with complex trauma

“We received some information about a girl named Renee. She is seven. It seems that her birth parents hurt her in several ways, like we read about in Zachary’s New Home. Do you remember that book? She was often hungry and left alone. Her birth parents fought so bad the police were called to her birth home. She must have been so scared.

“She enjoys some of the same things we do like singing and reading. She also has some problems. She has temper tantrums and she throws things.

“We do have some ideas about how to help Renee with these tantrums. We will also be getting some help from a therapist, a person who helps kids like Renee, and from the social worker whom you already met.

“Do you have any thoughts about having a sister who yells and throws things?

“When we go to the matching meeting, we would be happy to ask any questions you may have. Write them down and give them to us.”

This introductory conversation would work well with school-age and pre-adolescents. If the resident child is young, emphasize the potential safety issues involved with Renee and let the child know that you will be teaching him or her to go to a “safe spot” during Renee’s tantrums in the event that Renee turns out to be the child the family adopts.

If the prospective brother or sister is a teen, it might make sense to include him or her in the information-sharing meeting at the adoption agency. He or she needs to know as much about the new sibling as possible in order to prepare for the changes in the family. He or she especially needs information about the new sibling if he or she will be providing any child care.

Sharing information: Influence on adjustment

Research is clear that how a family handles the dissemination of information about the adoptee’s history, behavior, academic skills, and so on will greatly influence the adjustment of the children already in the family. Some parents seek to shield their children from the reasons for their adopted siblings’ actions and issues. Certainly, the desire to protect the innocence of childhood and to allow children to be carefree is understandable. Yet the child arriving has experienced some of the worst atrocities that exist. This book’s previous examples make clear that age-appropriate sons and daughters do need to be ready for the potential safety issues, questions, stares and comments of neighbors, peers, and strangers, the unusual behaviors, and so on that come along with the new brother or sister who has a history of complex trauma.

Traditional information—books, articles, community trainings, videos—is usually geared toward parents. Siblings are usually excluded from other avenues of information too—the teacher, guidance counselor, pediatrician, psychiatrist, therapist, social worker, and others providing services to their traumatized brother or sister.

The isolation, loneliness, and loss some siblings experience will be complicated by a lack of information about their sibling’s residual trauma issues. In some families, appropriately developing brothers and sisters receive a clear signal that the problems are not to be discussed, leaving them to feel alone with their concerns and questions. However, even when parents are happy to answer questions, some typical sons and daughters will keep their questions and concerns to themselves. These resident children feel their parent is too stressed or saddened by the adopted child’s needs. So they keep quiet in order to try to be helpful to their parents. Some parents are unaware that their children actually desire information. Parents may assume everything is fine if their birth and/or previously adopted children do not present with their issues.

Sharing information: “When do we tell our kids that we’re planning to adopt?”

A reasonable time to inform your existing siblings that you have decided to proceed with the adoption is at the time you have made the commitment to actually move forward with a home study. This most often occurs when parents have completed the required pre-adoption coursework conducted by their selected agency. In my experience, prospective parents often determine to forego an adoption or put adoption plans on hold once they complete the educational classes. The information gleaned at the preparation program is such that mothers and fathers decide to wait until the kids already in the family are older. The interval between the home study and the arrival of a son or daughter offers plenty of time to quell existing children’s concerns and to prepare these siblings-to-be for the newcomer.

Sharing information: Recommendations

In their book Sibshops: Workshops for Children of Siblings with Special Needs, Meyer and Vadasy (1994) make the following (paraphrased) recommendations for sharing of information. Overall, a good “rule of thumb” for mothers and fathers to keep in mind is that the birth and/or previously adopted children’s need for information will parallel that of the parents.

 • Keep the sibling’s needs an open topic.

 • Answer resident children’s questions about the condition in a forthright manner.

 • Provide brothers and sisters with written materials.

 • Include siblings in visits with social workers, therapists, physicians, etc.

 • Determine the sibling’s knowledge of the adoptees’ difficulties (i.e. What do you know about why your brother-to-be needs a “new” family? Why do you think your sister is living in an orphanage? Why do you think we will be taking your brother to therapy? Do you know any kids at school who go to therapy?) Provide the information necessary to fill in gaps or misperceptions.

“Family Talk” about a sibling-to-be arriving from an orphanage setting

“Your new brother is coming home from Peru. He has been living in the orphanage. What do you remember from the pictures of children in orphanages we looked at online?

“That’s right. There are a lot of babies and only a few ladies to take care of all of the babies. So your new brother may not know much about a mom, a dad, or a brother or sister. We will have a lot to teach him. He may not know how to play or how to eat correctly. He may cry a lot or have trouble sleeping. We will have to be patient. He will be scared. He will be moving to a new country and a house with a family. This will all be new. We will have to understand that while we are all happy to be getting him, he will have feelings of sad, mad, and scared. We will have to be patient.

“Let’s look at some of the books about adoption and the ones about having a new brother or sister that we have read. Would you like to start with A Pocket Full of Kisses?”

Sharing information: Age-appropriate considerations

Pre-schoolers

 • Very young children often do not even refer to their brother’s or sister’s special needs when they describe them to others. Rather, at a young age, siblings focus on the actions, appearance, and their own gut emotional reactions. These youngsters usually recognize that the child has problems and acknowledge that there are more disruptions in their family plans and routines (Lobato 1990).

 • Young children who have been exposed to pre-school, play dates, organized activities, Sunday school, and so on have most likely had positive peer interactions as well as negative peer interactions. As such, they have more experiences than we think. So they can comprehend some of the difficulties a traumatized sibling may have.

 • Pre-schoolers have egocentric thinking. They believe they are the cause of their newly arrived brother’s or sister’s difficulties. They need reassurance and facts so as not to take responsibility for any problems occurring in their adoption-built family.

 • It is quite a common practice for parents to compare their children to one another. It is also common for siblings to do the same. The young child looks for similarities and differences between herself and her adopted brother or sister in order to determine whether they are well and able themselves (Lobato 1990).

 • Young children ages two to six are very concrete thinkers. Explanations of complex trauma should therefore be as clear as possible. Children as young as age three can recognize some of their brothers’ and sisters’ problems, especially when they have had contact with other children and when their siblings are older than they are. Three years old is not too early to share comments about an adoptee’s difficulties.

Cora is two years old. She was adopted after her brother, Steven. Steven exhibits very difficult behavioral issues. The most serious negative behavior is his frequent aggressive temper outbursts. Cora’s parents have taught Cora to go to a “safe spot” when Steven escalates. One day, while reading One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish by Dr. Seuss, Cora associated her brother with the “very, very BAD fish” which is depicted as hitting and slapping another meek fish. Cora’s mom reported being speechless that Cora was so intuitive at such a young age.

School-age children

 • During their grade school years, siblings need information to answer their own questions about their sibling’s problems as well as questions posed by classmates, friends, or even strangers. More so than pre-schoolers, school-aged children may have more specific questions (Meyer and Vadasy 1994). They may ask, “Why does he take medication?” “Why did he live in an orphanage?” “What happened to her birth parents?” “Why does a country only let people have one child?” “Where would I live if something happened to you?” “Why can’t he act right?” “When will he act right?” “When will he be able to play nicely?” “What should I say when my friends ask me about adoption?” “How do I explain why she steals other kid’s snacks at school?”

“Family talk” about playing with the newcomer

“The social worker said your new brother loves to play baseball and soccer. You two seem to have some things in common. The social worker also said he can be really competitive. He is known to push and shove other kids to get the ball. We want to talk about some of the ways you could handle this. We know how important your friends are to you. So we want to help keep your friendships going okay.”

Or:

“We learned today that your new sister sometimes likes to play house. Isn’t that great! You know, sometimes kids who didn’t have good parents play house differently. They play that there is no food or water. They play that the mommy isn’t home and so the baby dolls are alone. They may also want the dolls to fight and hit each other. If this happens, we want you to come and get one of us right away. Your new sister isn’t doing anything bad. We just want to be able to come and teach her the right way to play so you two can have fun. How does this sound?”

 • School-age children most likely have peers who reside in families where there has been a divorce. They may have experience with death, and therefore grief and loss. They have been presented the Drug Abuse Resistance Education (D.A.R.E.) program. They may be assisted to apply this knowledge to the thoughts and feelings of the child with complex trauma issues.

 • School-age children may hold beliefs about the cause of the difficulties that places blame on the child with complex trauma.

 • Information needs to be relayed to school-age children in short segments, perhaps 20–30 minutes in length.

 • “Fantasy flourishes where facts flounder” is a very good expression to keep in mind. Lacking information, grade-school-age boys and girls tend to create their own ideas about a sibling’s difficulties. Usually, what they compose is far worse or quite off base from the reality. A “just the facts” parental approach helps this age group rein in their vivid imaginations with regards to the adopted brother or sister.

 • School-age children may have experience with other children who have been adopted.

Adolescents

 • Even adolescents may have misconceptions about their siblings’ problems. Some may assign a psychological or metaphysical (i.e. “God brought my brother in to bring the family closer”) reason for the issues that present from the adoptee’s background of complex trauma (Meyer and Vadasy 1994).

 • Like school-age children, adolescents have specific questions about their brother’s or sister’s traumatic experiences and the way the trauma residue plays out in the family.

 • Adolescents have more exposure to the issues which bring children into foster care and adoption, or at least to similar issues. They have witnessed peers involved with drugs or alcohol. They may have personal knowledge of suicide or suicidal ideation. It is likely they have experience with death. Certainly, they have familiarity with sex and sexual behaviors. Thus, they have the capacity to handle an array of topics with a depth of content.

 • Adolescents have the capacity to attend informational presentations of a length similar to adults.

 • Adolescents may also have experience with children who have been adopted.

“Family Talk” about a sibling-to-be arriving with a mental health diagnosis

Children of all ages can most likely equate a mental health disorder with a medical problem. You might talk to your children about mental health issues like this.

“Do you remember when you were sick and we took you to the doctor? He gave you some medicine. You stayed home for a few days and felt better. Well, your new sister has some mental health problems. She didn’t get the care and love she needed in the orphanage. She is sad a lot. She is all mixed up about parents and living in a family. She doesn’t feel very good about herself. She needs medicine to help her think better. We will be going to therapy with her. She will talk with the therapist and this will help her realize that we are a good family and we do love her. This is going to take time. Let’s see, you are nine now. She may be better when you are ten or 11. It may even be longer.

“The actual name of her problem is Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). These are some of the ways she may act. She may get really sad and then really happy. Sometimes she will be cranky. She may forget things. She may sleep a lot. Sometimes she won’t want to play with you. This has nothing to do with you. She may also have a hard time sitting still. She may not be very good at sharing or taking her turn. This may make watching a movie, getting homework done, or playing a game difficult.

“We are reading and going to a support group for parents who have children with PTSD. So we will be learning ways to handle this. We will be passing on what we learn to you.

“Do you have any questions? What do you think? If you think of any other questions, let us know. Let’s talk about this again in a couple of days after you have had time to think about this.”

Sharing information: A menu of suggestions

Recognizing that each brother or sister is a unique individual, the following baker’s dozen of pre-adoption preparation ideas are presented as a menu. Parents can pick the items they feel will most benefit their sons and daughters.

 • Books are a great way to relay information! Consider sharing this book with your older kids. Imagine your family dealing with the types of issues presented in the vignettes—these stories are a wonderful impetus for conversations about the impending changes adoption may bring to the family. Younger children can benefit from the infinite array of children’s books available today. Peruse the Resource section at the end of this book. Schedule a trip to the local book store with your son or daughter. Journey through everything from orphanage life—Borya and the Burps—to The Lapsnatcher—a great tale about adjusting to the arrival of a younger sibling—to The Colors of Us—celebrating the delicious colors of diverse peoples.

“Family Talk” about becoming a multicultural family

“Dad and I have been reading up on adopting a child of a different culture. We are realizing that we must look at our family and our community. We thought we could make this a family activity. We thought you could start checking out your school. Your older brother is going to do the same. Are there any children or teachers from Ethiopia? How many are of a different culture? What about your after-school program?

“I thought you and I could go to the library and start doing some reading about Ethiopian culture. We can learn about the religion, food, holidays, and customs. All of these things will be important to your brother and our family as he grows up.

“I found a great book for you—If the World Were Blind. Dad and I are going to help you learn more about prejudice and discrimination.

“We’ll have more of these talks before and after your brother arrives. What questions do you have so far?”

 • Pop some popcorn and watch a movie—Martian Child, Pinocchio or The Blind Side accurately portray the types of issues adoptive families may face. Toy Story 3, Anne of Green Gables, Tarzan, The Lion King, and The Lost and Found Family also nicely depict themes of abandonment, adjustment, and moving on. In terms of documentaries, Wo Ai Ni Mommy, First Person Plural, and “I Wonder…” Teenagers Talk about Being Adopted offer real-life examples of the thoughts and feelings of adopted persons.

 • Do you prefer electronic means of gathering information? “Friend” or “Like” members of the adoption community on Facebook™. “Suggest” your favorites to your resident adolescent. Parents and teens can share the daily adoption- and trauma-related articles and quips.

 • Piggybacking on the above suggestion, if you have a son or daughter who loves to surf, the Internet is a wealth of information about trauma, post-institutionalization, and adoption. See what he or she can find! Share the information. Siblings love competition—see which typical child can find the most websites, articles, and so on!

 • Visit my website www.arletajames.com. You and your typical kids—of all ages—can view the video Supporting Brothers and Sisters. This movie includes 14 birth and/or previously adopted kids (and their parents)—ages six to 20—talking about the challenges and positives that adoption brought to their families. Two of the adoptees offer their perspective of joining a family as well.

 • Join an adoptive parent support group. Network with veteran adoptive families. It is likely that they’ll have children who can have a play-date or sleep over with your kids. Pre- and post-adoption, navigating relationships will definitely go more smoothly with experienced guides! There are also support groups designed for specific populations. For example, Children and Adults with Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) (CHADD) is available to families with children diagnosed with this mental health condition. The incidence of ADHD is higher among adopted children than the general population. Brothers, sisters, moms, and dads will benefit from networking with such organizations pre-adoption. As you receive information about a potential adoptee, don’t shy away from what I call “alphabet soup”—acronyms that describe mental health diagnoses, medical conditions, special education services, and so on—ADHD, PTSD, IEP, ARND, RAD, and more. Use Google to guide you to the meaning of these acronyms and to the community resources you’ll need post-placement.

 • Share any materials provided by your adoption agency with your birth and/or previously adopted children. Ask if your adolescent can attend pre-adoptive education classes. Arrange for your social worker to meet with your age-appropriate children. He or she can share information and provide examples to you and your sons and daughters. Brainstorm a list of topics and resources with your social worker. While you wait for your new arrival, work your way through the list.

Conferences are a great way to acquire a lot of information! They are also a way to meet veteran adoptive parents and the top professionals in the field of adoption. If you’re based in the US, consider planning a family vacation around the North American Council on Adoptable Children (NACAC) conference or the Association for Treatment and Training in the Attachment of Children (ATTACh) conference—you’ll be glad you did! If you live outside the US, most other countries will have equivalent organizations and events, so check out what is happening in your locality. You can use these opportunities to enjoy a fabulous city and to learn more than you can believe about adoption, attachment, trauma, speech development, children’s mental health, parenting tools, special education services, Sensory Integration Dysfunction, Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder, and more! Conference workshops are often recorded and available for purchase. Pop them in the car CD player. The family that rides together learns about adoption together!

 • Dovetailing with the above, your local hospital, community mental health center, child welfare agency, and/or public school offer continuing education seminars. Call today and ask for their current schedule. Make sure you add your family to their mailing list. Keep in mind that older kids make great companions at workshops! Events close to home help identify professionals and agencies that may offer needed services post-adoption.

 • Plan a field trip to a neighborhood that offers a culture different to that of your family’s. Let brothers, sisters, and yourselves experience new foods, a language unlike your own, the feeling of being among people that look different, and so on! We live in a society that remains plagued by prejudices, discrimination, and the stereotyping of various groups of people based on their race, religion, sexual preference, citizenship, and socioeconomic status. It shouldn’t be surprising, then, that adopting transculturally adds another complex layer to the experience of adoption. Preparation for the arrival of a family member that forever alters the cultural composition of the family begins prior to the adoption.

 • Kids will need coping skills post-adoption. Before the new brother or sister arrives is a wonderful time to bolster ways of solving problems and generating solutions. Workbooks and websites abound with ideas to enhance such abilities. Sons and daughters also benefit from strengthened capacities in the areas of stress management, expressing feelings, and communication.

 • Offer to babysit for friends who have children similar in age to the child you plan to adopt. Or volunteer to help out in the church nursery. Typically developing children who have not had the experience of sharing their parents with a young child are often blind-sided by the parental time consumed by a little one. Parents can offer some preparation for the changes about to occur because of the addition of a baby or toddler. As you care for this youngster, point out the tasks it involves. “Oh my, it’s time to the change the baby again” or “The baby needs another bottle.” Of course, caring for a young child who has resided in a healthy family environment will be different to caring for the institutionalized infant. Yet your resident children will at least gain an understanding that their new brother or sister will require sharing Mom and Dad’s time—perhaps much time!

 • Search your Yellow Pages or ask your social worker for a list of agencies/organizations that specialize in adoption-trauma competent services, adoption medical care, speech therapy, occupational therapy for Sensory Integration Disorder, and so on. Schedule a visit for the whole family. Understanding what the service offers, meeting your future post-adoption guides, learning why a brother or sister may need different therapies or medical interventions, the travel time involved, co-pays or out-of-pocket expenses, and so on all lend to a more successful post-adoption experience.

Remember to organize information as you gather it. Post-adoption you’ll have a wealth of material at your fingertips. When a problem arises, an article, book, website, blog, support group, or professional can be quickly located. Right away you’ll have guidance to keep your family on course!

“Family Talk” about potential behaviors the new arrival may present

“Your new brother, Eric, may act very different from you. Remember, he didn’t have a mom and dad who were there to teach him all the right things.

“We learned from his social worker that he has temper tantrums. Sometimes when he is mad, he uses bad words. Sometimes he throws things.

“He wets the bed—do you know what that means? Sometimes, he hides the wet clothes in the closet. This may make his room smell and even the hallway. We will be checking his room and helping him remove any wet clothes or sheets. This will help with the odor.

“In the other homes he lived in, he blamed other children for the mistakes he made. We are expecting this to happen here too. We know you and how you act. We will be able to decide who is telling the truth.

“We also want you to know that all the rules are staying the same. We expect that you will follow the rules even when he doesn’t. We know that doesn’t seem fair. We will certainly be working to change the way he acts. In the meantime, you still need to act correctly.

“What do you think about these things? Keep asking us questions as you think of them. We’ll be talking more about this before he moves in and after he moves in.”

Sharing information: Anticipate questions

Shannon and Ed adopted Taylor as an infant. The family felt it time to pursue a second adoption when Taylor was about a year away from entering kindergarten. They believed that their second child would arrive just as Taylor started school. Shannon would have days free to care for the baby. Guatemala was their sending country.

Baby Amelia arrived pretty much on schedule. During the year wait, Taylor kept asking, “Why can’t we just go get her?” “Why is this taking so long?” “Who is taking care of her?” “What if I never get a sister?”

Additionally, thinking about the pending adoption caused Taylor to begin to ponder his own adoption. He asked, “Why don’t some moms keep their babies?” “Where is my birth mom?” “Why didn’t she keep me?” “What would happen to me if something happened to you two?” “Where would I live?”

Shannon and Ed did their best to console Taylor regarding his questions and confusion about the arrival of the new baby. They had not expected so many adoption-related questions at age five!

Whether you are parenting a birth child or an adopted child, anticipate questions! Entering the adoption process sets off a host of thoughts! Expect basic questions such as “Where is he going to sleep?” “Are we getting a boy or a girl?” “Will she speak English?” Count on tougher questions like Taylor’s above. The array of queries is likely to be endless!

“Family Talk” about the sibling-to-be, school, and learning

“Dad and I want to talk to you about your new sister. She may not be able to learn as well as you. She will have to learn a new language when she moves here and she may have learning disabilities. These are problems that make it hard for her to understand what the teacher is saying.

“She may get very frustrated. Sometimes we will have to put her homework away and work on it another day, even though our rule for you will be to finish your homework before you go out with your friends.

“We may have to give her a lot of extra help with her homework. We may have to take her to tutoring. Sometimes you may have to find rides to football practice. We may not be able to play as much as we do now.

“If there are specific ways you can help us, we’ll let you know. Mostly, this is our problem. Your job is to be a kid.

“What do you think about the changes that may happen? Let’s sit down and figure out the things we do as a family. Which of these are most important to you? We want to continue the ones most important to you, even if your sister takes up a lot of our time.”

Chapter summary

 • Parents must determine when to tell the typical children about their adoption plans. This news is best delivered when mothers and fathers have committed to expanding their family via adoption.

 • Brothers’ and sisters’ need for information parallels that of their parents. Sharing knowledge among family members contributes to the adjustment of parents and all the sons and daughters. Education is the key to success for the family built by adoption.

 • Children—ages pre-school through adolescence—have life experiences. This knowledge can be utilized as a springboard to “family talks.” Parents take the lead in imparting learning on the resident kids. Parents initiate follow-up conversations as well. Extend plenty of opportunities for questions. Offer honest responses to your birth and/or previously adopted kids’ queries.

 • A menu of ways exists to help your children (and yourselves) prepare for the arrival of the new child. Devour each method of pre-adoption education. Your journey will be better if full of information!

 • Anticipate lots of questions from your resident sons and daughters. If your family composition includes an adoptee, a second, third, or fourth adoption will act as a trigger. That is, these kids will likely enter a process of rethinking the circumstances that led to their own adoption. Contemplate, in advance, the types of queries your sons and daughters might put forth. Formulate some responses.