Читать книгу Simple Stories from "Punch" - Arthur Hammond Marshall - Страница 6
ОглавлениеTHE CANNIBALS
Once when Mr. Jimble was in Africa where he used to go sometimes to shoot lions and tigers and hippopotamuses he came across some cannibals which he hadn't expected.
And the black boys who had been carrying him in a hammock ran way and all the others too so he was left alone with the cannibals, and they wrapped him up in the hammock so that he could breathe all right but couldn't use his arms or his legs, and the chief of them said now that is very lucky because we haven't had a white man to eat for a long time and it will be a treat and a change of diet.
And Mr. Jimble said yes that's all right but I suppose you will feed me up first won't you? because I am rather thin through taking so much exercise lately in this heat and I am afraid you would find me rather stringy.
Well the chief was surprised at hearing him talk in his own language and asked him how he had learnt it. And he said oh well I have always been interested in languages and I learnt it at Oxford, I wish you would tell somebody to untie me, I will promise not to run away.
So the chief told them to untie him and he said come into my kraal and we can have a nice talk.
So they went into the kraal and it was rather smelly, but Mr. Jimble was glad to get out of the sun. And there was a little boy there and he said to the chief I suppose that is your little boy, where does he go to school?
And the chief said well he doesn't go anywhere, but I should like him to go to school and learn English, where would you recommend?
And Mr. Jimble said well I was at Eton myself and it is a very good school, if you like I will give you a letter to the headmaster.
And the chief said oh thank you, I will remind you of that before we eat you. I suppose they would let him have his own diet at Eton, I could send over some people I don't want out of my tribe for him to eat if they didn't care about providing white people for him.
Mr. Jimble said well you would have to make your own arrangements about that, and now what about eating me? If you like I will tell you exactly how to feed me so that I shall taste nice when I am cooked, and if you will take my advice you will have me boiled and not roasted because I shall be more of a delicacy like that.
And the chief said oh yes we can easily manage that, there is a river not far off and we can dig a hole here and bring water for it in gourds.
And Mr. Jimble said dig the hole at once and fill it with hot water every evening and I can get into it before having dinner, then I shall be easier to boil when the time comes.
So the chief did that, and Mr. Jimble showed them how to dig a hole the shape of a bath and every evening he had a nice hot bath in it. And he made them bring him all sorts of nice things to eat and told them how to cook them, because he said he wanted to taste as nice as possible when they ate him and this was the best way. And he had several bottles of wine in his luggage so he drank that, and he always gave the chief a glass of port when he had finished his dinner, but he said he didn't advise him to have more than one because he wasn't used to it.
Well the chief grew quite friendly with him and he said I am sure I am very much obliged for all the trouble you are taking, the last white man we caught made such a fuss that it was quite unpleasant.
And Mr. Jimble said oh I don't believe in making a fuss about anything, and I am very pleased to oblige you.
And the chief said I am sure you will taste delicious, when do you think you will be ready?
Mr. Jimble said well I have been thinking about that, have you ever heard about Escoffier sauce? and the chief said no.
And he said well if you like I will buy you some to go with me, and the chief said oh thank you, where can you get it?
And he said I will send a letter to a friend of mine in Cape Town with some money in it, and one of your cannibals must run as fast as he can with the letter and bring back the sauce, and when he comes back you can serve me up as soon as you like.
So the chief did that, and when the cannibal had gone with the letter he often used to talk about the treat they were going to have, and he said I wish you were going to be there because I have quite come to like you, but I don't see how it can be managed.
Well the cannibal was a long time away and the chief began to get rather impatient, but Mr. Jimble said I will tell you what I will do to pass the time, I will prepare your little boy for Eton, because he will have to pass an examination to get in and he must know some English as well as Latin and arithmetic and other things, and I could teach him to play cricket too.
So he did that, and the chief's little boy soon learnt to talk English, and they made some balls out of some light wood, and some cricket-bats and wickets and bails, and all the cannibals wanted to play cricket too when they saw it. So Mr. Jimble taught them, and he made up two quite good elevens and gave them different colours, and they used to play matches together. And that went on for nearly two months.
And then one morning a cannibal came running up and said there were a lot of white soldiers all round them with guns, and what had they better do?
Well the chief saw it was no good trying to run away and he was very frightened, but Mr. Jimble said he would talk to the soldiers and they wouldn't do anything if the chief and all the cannibals kept quiet.
So he went out and said to the Captain of the soldiers, well you got my letter, I am glad you came, I don't think you need kill any of these people unless you particularly want to, they are quite decent really except that they are cannibals.
And the Captain said well they have got to leave off being cannibals or I shall take them all prisoners and I shall have the chief shot.
So Mr. Jimble told the chief that and he was quite surprised and said it was the first he had heard of there being anything wrong in being a cannibal and why hadn't Mr. Jimble told him before? And he said well for one thing I didn't want to hurt your feelings, and besides you might have thought I was only telling you that to save myself being eaten.
So it all ended happily and Mr. Jimble went back to England. And he was glad he had not been eaten by the cannibals but he had had to tell a good many lies to prevent himself from being and he didn't feel quite comfortable about that. So he added up all he could remember of the lies he had told and gave half-a-crown for each one to a hospital.
And before long the chief died from indigestion and his little boy became chief instead. It had fallen through about his going to Eton but he could decline mensa and add up pounds shillings and pence and he was the best cover-point in the tribe, so he made quite a good chief.
