Читать книгу Simple Stories from "Punch" - Arthur Hammond Marshall - Страница 7
ОглавлениеTHE JUMBLE SALE
Mr. and Mrs. Woddy hadn't been married very long and they sometimes quarrelled, they hadn't got tired of each other yet but they hadn't got quite used to not having their own way in everything, and of course husbands and wives can't both have their own way and one has to give in to the other sometimes, and Mrs. Woddy didn't see why she should, because after all he had promised to endow her with all his worldly goods and did he mean it or didn't he?
Well the Vicar of the place where they lived wanted some money for repairing the organ, the bellows had become very wheezy and one of the high notes would go on sounding all the time the organist was playing and two of them had got stuck together with a jujube and there were several other things wrong with it, and it would cost about twenty pounds to have it put right. So he thought the best thing was to have a jumble sale because it was hardly worth a bazaar and besides people would go on having raffles in bazaars and he didn't believe in that when it was for a sacred object.
Well everybody was asked to turn out all the rubbish they didn't want which was only collecting dust and send it to the Vicarage, and Mrs. Woddy hadn't got any old clothes of her own because she had had everything new when she was married, but Mr. Woddy had kept a lot of clothes that he had had when he was a bachelor and she went through his wardrobe and found several things that she thought he could spare, and she sent two perfectly hideous vases that an aunt of hers had given her for a wedding present, and she could always say they had been broken by mistake if she came to see her and asked where they were, it was quite likely that they might have been broken by that time and anyhow she didn't mind telling a white lie so as not to hurt her aunt's feelings.
Well when Mr. Woddy came home from his business that evening he was rather low in his spirits, because he was a fur merchant and he had bought some astrakhan from Russia and they had sent him clipped poodle instead. And he told Mrs. Woddy about it and he said it all comes from trusting Russians and I can't do anything because of the Ogpu, it is a great relief to come home and forget all about it, what is there for dinner?
And she said you will see when the time comes, but you haven't asked me what I have been doing to-day. And he said well what have you been doing, washing the cat? because he was still feeling depressed in his spirits and he thought she wasn't very sympathetic.
And she was rather annoyed with him and said no, have you been brushing the poodle?
Well that made him angry because he didn't want to hear anything more about poodles for a long time, and when she told him about the jumble sale and said she had sent six of his shirts to it and an old ulster and several of his ties he was simply furious. And that made her angry too, and she said well I never did like those shirts with red and blue anchors on them and Charles would never think of wearing shirts like that, when I married you I thought I had married a gentleman.
Well Charles was her brother who was a Captain in the army and she was always holding him up to Mr. Woddy which he couldn't stand, especially as Charles was always asking him to lend him some money which he hadn't told her of but it rankled, and he said you don't mean to say you have given away that brown ulster of mine, why I have had it for nearly twenty years.
And she said well then it is quite time you got rid of it, and I am sure Charles would be ashamed to go about in a thing like that, he is always well dressed and doesn't care what he owes for his clothes. And he said damn Charles, what did you price the ulster at? and she said three-and-sixpence.
Well then he was almost mad with fury and he said well you shall see. And what he did was to rush upstairs and take one of her very best hats and come down and flourish it in her face and then go straight off to the Vicarage with it.
She said for shame Hubert.
Well the Vicar was pleased to see Mr. Woddy and he said oh what a beautiful hat, is it for the jumble sale, what do you price it at? And he said one and threepence, but there has been a mistake about a brown ulster and I should like to buy it back if you don't mind. And the Vicar said oh no, you can have it for seven shillings, quite a lot of husbands have bought back things that their wives sent us and we are making more money like that than we shall by selling things cheap, are you sure you wouldn't like to buy back your shirts and ties? the shirts were only priced at fourpence each and I would let you have them at a shilling, and you could have the ties at sixpence each instead of a penny, you would have to pay much more at a shop. So he bought back some of his ties but he left the shirts because of Charles.
Well when he got home he found that Mrs. Woddy had gone to bed in a temper and had sent for her mother Mrs. Surmise. And he said to himself oh all right, we can have it out now and we will see who is master. And he enjoyed his dinner and had some champagne with it, and by the time Mrs. Surmise came round he was quite ready for her. And she went straight up to her daughter, but he said she is sure to come down soon and start in on me, so he put on his old ulster and sat down to wait for her, not because he was cold but because he wanted to show who was master.
Well Mrs. Surmise soon came down and she was a very presumptuous woman and directly she came into the room she said for shame Hubert get up out of that chair at once and go upstairs and say you wish to be forgiven or I won't answer for the consequences.
And he said nobody asked you to Mrs. Surmise, when it comes to selling a man's favourite ulster behind his back it is not the business of the mother of the wife of that man to interfere and she does it at her peril.
And she glared at him and said you are a brute, and he said well I may be but it is not for you to say so Mrs. Surmise.
And she said you are drunk and walked straight out of the house.
So then Mr. Woddy felt better and he went upstairs and found Mrs. Woddy crying, because she did love him really and she was all right when she wasn't under the influence of Charles or her awful old mother. And she said she was sorry for selling his ulster and he said he was sorry for selling her hat and he would go and buy it back again.
So they made it up, and the jumble sale was a great success and Mr. Woddy let the Vicar have his ulster after all because he never wore it and it was only collecting dust.
