Читать книгу Learn A Man Earn A Man - Barry Fletcher - Страница 6

Ladies, forget what you may have read or heard from your mom, your sisters, or your girlfriends. There is a surefire way to earn a man . If you sincerely want a man who is worthy of your special light and future promise, a man who can treasure you when you are dow n as well as he can when you are at the mountaintop, please come right in and pull up a chair. You can take control of how you go about finding him, wooing him and keeping him. You have the power to create an internal and external environment to ensure victory. You can earn a man, not by losing yourself, but by finding yourself.

I am heterosexual man, experienced in the fine arts of loving women, grooming women, and advising women. As a men’s barber, I also happen to regularly get an earful of the innermost feelings and thoughts of men who confide in me. Thus, I am in the extremely rare position of hearing both sides – the good, the bad and the boring – from men and from women. At this point, I believe that men who are blessed with the wherewithal to engage in romance – meaning they are not incarcerated, they have a job, are probably educated, and care enough about themselves to come to my shops for regular shape-ups – have a built-in advantage. They are outnumbered by the higher percentage of women who are seeking eligible men. This imbalance creates a certain degree of unfairness for women, and gives men an advantage in the delicate dance of courtship. This is why I am here to provide you with a unique, secret perspective. For those of you who are new at this, or who think they have been there, done that, and bought the T-shirt, or who think that the man’s job is to earn you while you sit back, Barry Fletcher is here to drop some valuable new information into your romantic toolkit. (And for the sisters who want to hang back, and “make a man prove himself,” well, you just haven’t had your heart broken enough times, yet.) My sincere wish is that you will hear me and listen to me before your heart gets shattered into bits and pieces.

The advice and experience I offer here are barometers to help you measure and, if needed, even out your temperament to efficiently find a partner who is your equal. This book will help you neutralize – not hide or bury – your emotions about men, and better assist you as you navigate your search. In the end, if you have read this with an open mind and heart, you will walk away with a clearer understanding and packed arsenal of best practices for finding and winning the man you deserve. Ladies, I know that men often get blamed when relationships go bad, and much of the time that blame is justified. But sometimes women must be willing to look hard at their own behavior, expectations and beliefs. It is not always fair or productive for ladies to automatically blame a man and fail to credit him for his positive aspects, while failing to address their own personal missteps. (All said with love, ladies, only love.)

Now for those of you asking what more is there to learn about men, let me put it to you this way: you will probably not be successful if your goal is to fix or change a man. But by all means, read on if you are interested in learning how to discover effective ways to own and leverage your power, and to use your natural properties to controller, or should I say, earn a man. I’m on your side. This book is written to help em power you. My goal here is to guide you on the path to the man you deserve: someone who is kind, strong, compassionate, tough in all the right ways – and totally, absolutely, one hundred thousand percent SPRUNG on you. My goal is to help you see that you are in control of how much time and access you give a man. Every real man needs a lady, even if he does not know it. Let the lessons begin!

Right now, you might be thinking, “Who is Barry Fletcher, and how is he qualified to give me lessons on how to learn and earn a man?” After thirty years of establishing customer relationships with ladies (through my hair salon) and with brothers (through my barbershop) I have accomplished my goals of becoming a Master Hair Designer and successful entrepreneur who competes in every major hair competition worldwide. My achievements include winning gold medals at major hair design competitions around the globe, a Rolls-Royce automobile and a spot on the U SA Hair Olympics team competing in London against teams from 35 countries. I am well traveled and have an established clientele that spans all races and economic levels the world over, from next-door neighbors and stay-at-home moms to career professionals, actresses, politicians, athletes and musicians, including a few names that may be familiar to you: Halle Berry, Sugar Ray Leonard, Prince, Bebe Winans, Iman, Toni Braxton, Senator Carol Mosely-Braun, Tina Turner, Mary J. Blige and Dr. Maya Angelou.

I am an image-maker, a trichologist and an expert in helping clients find the styles that work best for them; a businessman-inventor too, creator of Barry Fletcher Hair Care Products and an expert hair care consultant to Essence Magazine. Throughout my three decades of experience working with clients to improve their hair and personal image, I’ve developed the skills of a marriage counselor, psychologist, therapist, guidance counselor, good listener and social worker. Yes, ladies, I have heard it all.

I have authored two books: my best-selling Why A re Black Women Losing Their Hair? and Hair is Sexual. But more importantly, I have become a confidant to women who are dealing with their most popular public body part, the one that affects their psyche and confidence the most, the body part that announces them to the rest of the world: their hair. I have a perfect career: working around and for beautiful women. It is a beautiful thing. I love my work, and it shows. The confidence and knowledge I convey with each visit lets ladies know they can rely on me to help them achieve their style and beauty goals. How do we accomplish this? (I say “w e” because I am an expert, but not a dictator. I encourage my clients to stay involved, especially if I am totally remaking their look.) I begin by assessing a woman the moment she walks into my hair salon. I realize her beauty needs are immediate, and that I must be accurate.

I cannot write her a prescription, suggesting she “take two a day and get some rest” like some doctors have the luxury of doing. I have a totally different focus when checking out the ladies. Everything counts! Her fashion, her demeanor, how she uses her facial muscles and features, her posture and her mannerisms all provide important clues about the general state of her self-esteem. From there, we talk about her desired hair style, which gives me more important clues about her level of vanity and how she perceives her social status. Throughout this part of the process, I am making silent judgments about what I think needs to happen to improve her look, apart from what she says she wants, but I do not judge her.

You may have heard the old saying that hair stylists are the psychologists of the community. I have learned valuable skills that help with the way I relate to my clients. We all know that if we do not like the way we relate to one another, there can never be a friendship. And we also know that friendship is another, more developed form of relating. Good relations happen when we start doing things together or for each other. After the two of you confirm that there’s good reason to keep it up, it turns into a relationship. Yet before that ship sails, you want to make sure you have secured your interest and are strong about your beliefs and values. This is true for women starting new friendships with women and it is most certainly true for women on the verge of relations with a man. We men know that there are goodies on the ship. To us, the goodies are like donuts... glazed donuts, to be squeezed for freshness, licked for sweetness, chewed eagerly, for pure unadulterated pleasure. But here is a small secret about men and their donuts, in case you don’t know it already. The only thing better than a glazed donut is a newer, fresher glazed donut. Fiddle-diddle it has a hole in the middle. What I am saying here, with this hole-in-the-middle metaphor is that friends can cum and go, sex is in and out, up and down, but ladies must understand that only true blue relationships last. Before you ever get to that Big Donut of a marriage, you best believe you want your relationship to be on the smoothest seas possible.

So it is that I am confident in my ability to share with you quite a bit about relationships; moreover, to pull back the curtain and let you in on how a man truly thinks. We live in a new day, which requires new strategies to achieve a life filled with love. I subscribe to a theory that is quoted by Oprah Winfrey: “I believe that you are here to become more of yourself and live your best life.” Parents, please toss away all the old fairy tale books and the mentality that goes with it. Your daughter will never be Cinderella and neither will your son become Prince Charming. Gone are the days when the number one goal of a young lady was to get married and have 2.3 children. Parents are encouraging their daughters to complete their education, and to wrap themselves around a career and become self-sufficient. A woman’s future may have her taking care of the same clueless young man she aspired to marry. We have already seen what happens when a man leaves his family and the woman doesn’t have anything to fall back on. Too often, I hear grandmothers talking about how they take care of their grown daughters and their grandchildren, a far cry, I am sure, from what they imagined they would be doing back when they were young ladies.

The latest data show just how “outnumbered” men are and supports my experience-based understanding of why men too often succeed at “playing” women. For men, career choices have become more difficult and sex has become easier. The man knows he can enjoy good sex without marriage. The number of married men in the U.S. has decreased dramatically since the 1960s. According to the U.S. Census Bureau’s data on marital status for years 2005-2007, the percentage of men who never married was:

Black	46 percent
Hispanic/Latino	37 percent
Asian	29 percent
White	27 percent

Meanwhile, government data show that roughly 70 percent of black women are single. Ladies, this is what is called a major imbalance.

This book was written to help women spot pivotal points for a lasting relationship. It was written to help you hear and heed that occasional internal alarm that sometimes goes off about some men. Whether you decide to shack or throw him back, take it from date to soul mate, this book will be your trusted guide. I intend to unveil the man’s psyche.

This is the book men don’t want you to read. At the same time, I will not totally and completely give it all up about my brothers. I cannot, for instance, tell you all the things they say about you, since I believe in accentuating the positive. But in general language and terms, yes... they have called you everything from a queen to a witch. And if the brothers find out I am telling you any of this, they will most definitely call me a snitch!

Yet, in full seriousness, a baseline measurement of a man usually starts on the outside. You take into account his career or job, and the way he works his job; his accomplishments and the amount of money he makes; his education, religion (or lack thereof); and his relationships. I would say it is up to each individual woman to decide how important these measures are in determining his value. However, I suggest that the best way to form a truly useful measuring scale is to place the emphasis on his internal substantive factors. These include how he treats other people, whether he is self- confident, and whether he is patient. And there are his personal traits, which are real and more lasting than superficial items such as what kind of car he drives and how much money he spends on you at a restaurant or in the club.

Our feelings can fluctuate from time to time, but they also represent the core of who we really are: outgoing, guarded, trusting, happy, sad, ambitious, emotional, considerate, strong, weak, etc. Our feelings are connected to our hearts, and to our souls. I would trust a woman with a good heart over a woman with lots of success, money or strong religious values. I’ve learned to trust the heart, not to say that the heart is an easy place to explore, only that it is the nucleus of all living souls. I’ve grown comfortable dancing to the heartbeat of the soul. You want a man for the journey, not just for the moment, but the truth is that it’s hard, if not impossible, to choose the best life partner if you don’t know yourself or what you believe.

Men are tactile, visual, visceral, linear thinking sleuth-hounds. Deep inside every real man is a hero, a “knight in shining armor” who wants to serve and protect his family and loved ones. We are born hunters; our tit-glancing, navel-gazing, ass-watching culture keeps us in constant conflict with some of our hyper- vigilant, under-confident counterparts, women who are overly concerned about our loyalty. It’s just second nature for a man to look at the opposite sex... usually it is just a peek! He loves Ms. Right but may lust over Ms. Right-Now. Ladies must be confident enough in themselves and in their relationship with a man not to hassle him if, or when, his eye wanders a bit. You ladies can have it all: a man who is top-ranked, has money in the bank and able to put a TIGER in your tank.

A man’s senses – what he sees, smells, hears and feels – always trump his sensibilities, which is what your Mama probably called good sense. Remember this: the most fundamental need a man has in a relationship is to feel important and respected for who he is. A man needs financial security; a woman needs emotional security, closeness, and financial security. Men think in straight lines; too many details at one time frustrate us. We want information that is actionable vs. emotional. Oftentimes it is in the best interest of women to work through their emotions separately and then to discuss with their man what needs to happen to remedy the situation. The nonverbal aspects of communication make up 92 percent of a message, while only 8 percent of the impact is verbal. If we can’t fix your problem, we don’t want to hear about it.

Here is another reason why men tend to have less trouble with relationships than women. If we like what our senses are telling us about you, we’ll accept what is offered in the relation and get the rest of the things we need elsewhere, in the interest of preservation. We are not trying to change you ladies and we don’t get upset about your lack of interest in, say, sports for example. I cringe when I see a man moping around a department store bored stiff while his lady goes shopping. Ladies, do you really think your man wants to be there holding your purse while you try on another outfit, or another shoe? Would you be okay with it if he insisted that you hang with him when he goes to buy a new golf club, or shoot hoops with his boys on the weekends? Right. So if you think his silence means that he is okay with it, think again. That silence may just mean that he is thinking about how he never asks you to engage in his down time, or manly pursuits. In that same silence, he may also be starting to resent you for insisting that he go on along to your lady doings. Pick your battles, ladies. Learn to give your man his space, lest he feel confined.

I hear some women sound so wounded, upset and frustrated with men who won’t commit to them. Now let’s get to the root of this prevailing complexity between men and women. What is commitment anyway? Oftentimes, men think they are committed after the first date; this is the time we start caring, offering kind gestures, becoming more thoughtful and protective. Although this may make us commitment-worthy, it only heightens her need for more linguistic persuasions. This is what ladies want to hear come out of a man’s mouth: I want a committed relationship with you, I’m falling in love with you, I want to be with you for the rest of my life and ultimately, will you marry me? She wants to hear it, have it reinforced and hear it again. To which I say... say it ain’t so, ladies! This is the kind of language that turns too many men into liars. He knows, because you either tell him or show him, that you want to hear that. So even if he is not there yet, he soon finds himself saying words that just end up making the lady feel secure, protected and more trusting – falsely. And the irony of this is that it defeats the result that men are actually most concerned with: gaining your trust! men want to be trusted no matter whether they are worthy or not. Ladies, if you get caught sneaking around checking behind your man, he’s going to be very upset upon his discovery. It may be safer for you to warn him before you start snooping. This is the way I interpreted Chris Brown’s anger toward Rihanna. She didn’t trust him and therefore was checking his text messages. In a lot of cases the man is quite disappointed to find that his committed love has some apprehension.

Now let me give it to you straight, with no chaser. Commitment has a different meaning for a woman than it does for most men. To women, it means security, freedom, loyalty, marriage and it means forever or permanent. To a man, that same word – commitment – means he can’t protect him self from you. It means he has to expose his vulnerable side. It means he loses his freedom, his ability to make decisions for himself or his ability to control the emotional roller-coaster ride that follows. But this is where I can be most helpful in suggesting that ladies need to change their tactics and their thinking. Quit telling him to stand up, be a man and marry you. It’s not necessarily true that we are weak. We may just be happy with our lives at the tim e and don’t want to introduce possible complications by saying something stupid like... I do! The more you pressure a man about marriage before he is ready, the more apprehensive he becomes. Please don’t get upset with me – I’m just the messenger.

If this sound like food for thought, it is. Remember what Shakespeare said: To thine own self be true. If you can do that, if you can live it, people will accept you and trust you based on your integrity and actions. The attitude you choose to put forth has everything to do with the response you receive in return. As you become more familiar with your own emotions, you will become more confident in yourself. You will be happy within your own skin and in your heart, never mind what a man says, thinks or does. You will control your destiny; this attitude is very contagious to others.

Tease the confident guy and compliment the shy one. Men don’t get compliments often; a genuine compliment about his thoughtfulness will go a long, long way. And one other secret tip for you: Do you know what really sparks a flame in a man? Anticipation. We love not knowing how something is going to turn out, the thrill of gradually having the excitement unfold before us. This is the reason men get so fired up about sports... it’s the anticipation. So keep your mystery about you. Do not give a man everything right away, or all the time. We love to have a surprise every once in a while or something good to look forward to especially if it comes from you! Offer to help out with projects he is devoted to. You will know you are learning him when you’re able to think ahead for him. There is something binding about a person who is willing to help you with a project that is close to your heart.

Marriage may be overrated but good relationships are priceless. Some of the most powerful women in the world – women who lead their respective industries or professions – are single. And whether you are man- strung, man-less or going about your man in a one-day-at-a-time, take-it-as-it-comes kind of way, you are prone to taking uneducated risks unless you master the formula for learning him, in order to truly and deeply earn him. So, read on, OK? Nothing you thought you knew has properly prepared you for what I am about to say.

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