Читать книгу Learn A Man Earn A Man - Barry Fletcher - Страница 8

Ladies, I want to empower you with a plethora of information about the way men think, from an Ardent Bachelor’s perspective. You may now deem this book your passport; the key that unlocks the mysteries of a man’s head and heart. And the best way to win a man’s heart is to find out what’s in it. One of the main reasons I wanted to write a book on relationships is because of my own peculiar behavior around the idea of commitment. Even though I’ve been in a couple of long-term relationships, I haven’t seriously considered marriage since I got my heart broken more than thirty years ago.

Granted, my profession places me in front of a variety of women who seek my expertise for their image alterations. Sometimes a day’s work can fulfill all the needs I may have for communicating with women. As a public servant to women for a living (and this is really how I think of my work!), I can get my “social fix” right at the “office,” which is to say, the salon.

This also means one of the pleasures available to me is that, upon returning home, there are no requirements for me to talk or get bossed around. At home, I want to enjoy a relationship built on trust, great anticipation, minimal talking and more pleasures. Regardless of whether it’s right or wrong, it’s important to know what turns you on and what you want from a companion. Otherwise, you’ll spend exorbitant amounts of time looking for excuses to end or bring closure to the relationship. I’m sure you know men who can come up with all types of excuses.

I thought about all the friends (ladies and men) whom I have, and decided to solicit them for information by conducting a national survey at my website, www.barryfletcher.com. I wanted to ask followers on my website their opinion regarding the line of demarcation; the location of that point where things start to get “too serious” between a man and a woman. Is it something a woman does to spook a man? I’ve heard quite a bit about men disappearing, making misleading gestures and exhibiting cruel treatment. Now I see what you ladies have to go through to get emphatically clear answers out of a man.

As I began writing this book I talked to mature men and women of diverse backgrounds; they were single, divorced, married, sexy, desirable, etc. It took much more effort to get follow-up information out of men than it did women. First you have to track them down, and then it was challenging to pry information out of them without them feeling they were “incriminating” themselves. On the other hand, the women were eager to express themselves and were much more descriptive. Most of the women I spoken with seemed to enjoy talking about their past and present companions. Some could easily be perceived as scorned, while some were disgruntled and upset. But most importantly I heard quite a few success stories. They spoke with redeeming emotions that were calming to their spirits, and also obviously rode along on a wave of feelings. Some of these women told me they could no longer blame themselves for his irrational behavior… behavior they described as inconsiderate and rude. I’ve heard it all, from women who reported having the best husband in the world to stories of abandonment and infidelity, of betrayal and theft and even of a man having two families and two names. I’ve heard from women who were misled to believe their man was an ideal man; he told her he wanted a future with her but in actuality he wasn’t sure what he wanted.

I learned at a young age that love is nothing to play with. I’ve had my feelings hurt every time I fell deeply in love, becoming possessive, intrusive, prone to lacking self-confidence, and feeling uncertain and shaky. As hard as I fell for my first love, I didn’t like the way she made me feel about myself. She gave me a complex about my looks, my size, my car, my talent, my finances and most of all, my ability to please her. It seemed as if I could never do enough to please her. Being that I was also starting a career that required much of my time, let’s just say there were many moments of conflict. I suppose the key point to this story is that after she confessed to cheating on me with her previous boyfriend, it just confirmed all my insecurities! Freak!

A man wants to be the breadwinner in the family without having his thoughts mired with lust and doubt. Many times I have spoken with guys who have confessed to spending too much time with a relationship rather than spending more on career building. Relationships mature with time just like people do. Women have a tendency to be disappointed when they can’t get a man’s full attention in a relationship, which causes some to give an ultimatum – either you want all of me or none at all.

Inevitably, at some point in your life, you will find that you have some type of need for a man. You just can’t live without us. Fact is, we are irreplaceable, no matter how many so-called replacement toys you may buyout of anguish. Anecdotally and boastfully, you discuss with girlfriends your successes and failures with men; proudly analyzing and dissecting, fearing and braving, chuckling and complaining, revealing a torrent of carnal truths amongst friends like dirty jokes. Ladies often engage in this kind of man-related banter as a way of entertaining yourselves, sometimes even in public. In my business, I’ve heard ladies offering vivid details of a man’s inadequacies, and then turn right around and give rave reviews about his sexual prowess. Men on the other hand brag about their swag and the game used on their last rom antic or sexual conquest, while exaggerating their macho façade. But when they get home to their partners, the spirit of love takes over... something they don’t talk about as much amongst themselves.

There are lots of thoughts going on in a man’s head that you’ll never know about. So let me tell you at least some of them . I’ve found that men are more comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings about women with another male, whereas women are more inclined to run to their girlfriends for advice about their “Boo.” In many cases, they both would be better served if they talked to someone of the opposite sex, or if they endeavored to collect information from both sides. For example, you wouldn’t go to Senator John McCain for information on rap music, nor would you seek out Lil Wayne for helpful background on domestic policy issues. So why do you only go to your crew of other ladies, in a quest to find out about men? Your search for answers should be focused closer to the source. If you have a trusted male friend, why not tap him for info on the romantic male interest in your life?

What’s amazing is the amount of time both sexes spend thinking about their relationship or potential companions. I would estimate that men and women spend at least ten percent of their time thinking about love, sex, romance and dating, investing probably much more than that if they’re not satisfied. Men spend quite a bit of this time deciphering gender-specific “Morse code,” trying to figure out if “she loves me; she loves me not.” Guys seem to shield their hearts more than women, probably because women get more opportunities to reject men and crush their egos; mostly because of the mixed signals you all send out.

I can remember times hanging out with the fellas at the go-go club. We’d spot a little hottie across the dance floor. My boys would say something like, “She’s over there dancing for you Fletch,” which only confirmed my suspicions about her interest in me. I see a young lady over there dancing in her seat, and my ego suggests that now is a good time to pull her, gotta show the boys how it’s done. We lock eyes for a moment, prompting me to move her way. She watches me walk all the way across the dance floor to ask her to dance… only to give a resounding, head-swiveling, “No, I don’t want to dance.” I freeze for a moment but then think... My boys are watching. So I try to talk to her for a minute, to play it off. I lean in to get closer to her ear, and she pulls back from me in disgust. I start thinking about that long trip back across the dance floor to face my boys and‘nem.

Then there’s the sexy lady in the grocery store who keeps staring and smiling at us until we approach her... only to find out she’s married. This of course makes us wonder, just how married is she? We also have to be aware of the needy chick. She will get fresh with us to make her man jealous. She wants something from him that doesn’t have anything to do with sex. Her flirting with us is merely a device to get him to fall in line. Hey, I’m here to tell you, we do not hate the players or the gam e, but men are hardening their hearts in preparation for those hypnotic, psychic powers women exude when they want their way.

A man will spend an astronomical amount of time trying to figure out the next move of an aggressive woman, hoping she wants to enjoy the same things from a relationship as he does. Women express them selves in subtle ways that are open to interpretation. We never can be too sure which interpretation is accurate and congruent with her goals or intentions. Nothing a good old-fashioned walk in the park wouldn’t cure, huh?

But it really depends on what the woman is feeling. A walk in the park could be like walking through the minefields of Iraq. You just never know when things are going to blow up. For these reasons, men are quite apprehensive about opening up and sharing their innermost feelings. Men adopt a defensive posture when it comes to love. If they’ve experienced the heartbreak and pain of rejection, marriage failure or loss of a good friend, they will try to protect their vulnerability by appearing to be strong and independent.

Just because a man doesn’t say he’s in love with you, doesn’t mean he isn’t. Love isn’t always peaches and cream, cuddly and sweet. To a man love is more action than emotions. Measure a man’s love for you by his sacrifices. If he gives up watching games with the fellas, takes off frequently from work to be with you; if he gives you the remote, lets you pick out the movies; if he submits to your request for errands and chores, he’s whipped. Men usually aren’t that selfless when it involves their time, space and freedom. My experiences have given me many opportunities to dissect and inspect human thoughts and sensitivities. Men naturally assume a posture of calm, whereas women seem to be more expressive. For that reason, I’m not sure if women have a clue as to how strong and overwhelming a man’s sex drive can be. It actually consumes a great deal of our physical, emotional and mental capacity.

I think some of the issues surrounding the way we see love come from this fundamental difference: Women actually love the man, while, in a lot of cases, men love the way a woman makes him feel. If he tells you he loves you during sex, that’s just what he means; and that’ll be enough to keep him. Love is what you make it, so don’t sit around and wait for it to hit you like a surge from a good drug. I submit to you: love is just as much about our actions as it is about the person. And for that reason, a man fears he won’t be good enough, as he tries to top his last performance. Ladies, if you want to keep love on the high note, show enthusiasm, show him you really want him, that you crave him with eager anticipation. He’ll do what he has to do to make sure his equipment works, so that he will continue to keeping your fire burning!

Ask yourself, “What sacrifices would you be willing to make in order to have the man of your dreams?” Would it be important to have a very talkative man? Or could you give up the affable, gregarious side of him? How about your fashions, or the big fancy house, or children? Can you live without a brand-new car? Or are you the type who has to have it all? Some of you are reading this and probably thinking, “I want a man who can give me all of this because that’s what I deserve.” And you’re probably right. But you also should know that this kind of pressure on a man is what contributes to dousing the flames of love or cause a man to stop trying to live up to this expectation or standard.

Brothers are trying to put love on layaway, and some are saving for love right now. Reality is this... some brothers would rather spend money buying some of the best love there is... the kind we can call our own. I’m sure that statement won’t win any popularity contests, but let me put one more thing on your mind. It takes a fool to learn that love don’t love nobody. Now then, the next time you scan your computer looking for a dating site, someone to talk to who is funny and bright, a person who can take you to ecstasies and new heights, you must clearly understand the source of your plight.

Keep in mind that men are looking as well. Assisting a woman with the production of a sexual climax is one of the most exhilarating, uplifting, powerful experiences known to man. If the man exercises good timing, both of you can go for a blast! It’s like being on Apollo 13 heading to the moon... what a lift! When you do it with someone you really care for, now that’s love baby. The dues a man will pay for love are astronomical, placing the woman in debt with him quite rapidly because men pay to receive; coloring the debts the woman incurs as fair. In all fairness, most guys, if presented with an opportunity to just have sex or the chance to meet the love of their life, would choose to meet the love of their life. That said, the true measurement of a man’s love is expressed by how he loves, protects, educates and raises his children. I am talking about the storge kind of love, which refers to familial love, the kind you can reach out and touch, not just an inner feeling. (I explain more about the various types of love in Chapter 14.) A woman can take credit for influencing a man’s love, but where his offspring are concerned, he’ll be responsible for influencing them.

There are bad, good, better and best times to come into a man’s life, and he may not even know when those times are. Weakened by your influence, he may let you in any old time. There’s also such a thing as investing in one’s potential, you’ll have to weigh out the pluses and minuses on your own. We all want somebody to love and when we find somebody to love, we must take our time with them. Men want to know you want them for who they are and not for the lifestyle. What really endures as couples get older is not sex or love, but friendship. That’s not to say we don’t care about sex when we’re older. We want you to get yours for as long as possible! However, the man has more control of himself when he practices lovemaking with regularity. Men understand there are different stimulation techniques that vary from female to female. The main objective is to please you in any way; therefore, most men are open to suggestions if it will assist you in reaching the height of orgasm.

Here are some of the things you might want to consider in your quest to achieve equal opportunity lovemaking: desire, foreplay, moisture, protection, pressure, weight, scent, sounds, lighting, location, speed and mutual timing. When partners coordinate these elements of personal comfort, they can successfully reach the formula of variables that turn sex into lovemaking.

I was once told by a young lady, during one of my book review social gatherings, what she believed were the proper steps to keep a man from straying. She insisted that all a woman has to do is orally satisfy her man and he won’t leave you. Now granted, I’m in no position to argue with the woman (smile)... I’m just not sure if she was totally correct, although I do think it’s worth a try! When I surveyed the men about this lady’s theory, most agreed sex was the motivating factor for infidelity; however, it wasn’t the only factor. They confessed to me that the full array of the attention they were given, the compliments, romance, intrigue, the new found excitement of a “fresh look,” is what brought on urgency and incurable anticipation. They also admitted it wasn’t worth getting caught and ruining the love and trust they had established with their spouse or significant other. It wasn’t worth the separation, the divorce, splitting up everything, confusing the kids, moving out and starting over. That would explain the power of sex, but none of these things would happen if there was a presence of mental, spiritual and intellectual love. Couples struggle more with only having physical rather than emotional love.

Making up is sometimes hard to do, but it is the one thing that will cause a relationship or loving partnership to become stronger. Whether you call it a make-up apology, make-up hug, or make-up love, there’s nothing like make-up sex. And ultimately, the act of making up your mind is the most important goal: Is your love worth saving? Nevertheless, love doesn’t make the world go round. Sex makes the journey all the more enjoyable. Sex is the reward for love. Love me like we’ve loved each other for years; surprise me like we just met!

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