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Serv.

Nay Lady.

Lady. Put me not in mind on't, prethee,

You cannot do a greater wrong to Women,

For in our wants, 'tis the most chief affliction

To have that name remembred; 'tis a Title

That misery mocks us by, and the worlds malice,

Scorn and contempt has not wherewith to work

On humble Callings; they are safe, and lye

Level with pitty still, and pale distress

Is no great stranger to 'em; but when fortune

Looks with a stormy face on our conditions,

We find affliction work, and envy pastime,

And our worst enemy than that most abuses us,

Is that we are call'd by, Lady, Oh my spirit,

Will nothing make thee humble? I am well methinks,

And can live quiet with my fate sometimes,

Until I look into the world agen,

Then I begin to rave at my Stars bitterness,

To see how many muckhils plac'd above me;

Peasants and Droyls, Caroches full of Dunghils,

Whose very birth stinks in a generous nostril,

Glistring by night like Glow-worms through the High streets

Hurried by Torch-light in the Foot-mans hands

That shew like running Fire-drakes through the City,

And I put to my shifts and wits to live,

Nay sometimes danger too; on Foot, on Horseback,

And earn my supper manfully e'r I get it,

Many a meal I have purchas'd at that rate,

Fed with a wound upon me, stampt at midnight.

Hah, what are you?

Pris. Now you may tell your self, Lady.

Lady. Oh Mr. Priscian, what's the project,

For you n'er come without one.

Pris. First, your Husband,

Sir Ruinous Gentry greets you with best wishes,

And here has sent you your full share by me

In five Cheats and two Robberies.

Lady. And what comes it too?

Prisc. Near upon thirteen pound.

Lady. A goodly share,

'Twill put a Lady scarce in Philip and Cheyney,

With three small Bugle Laces, like a Chambermaid,

Here's precious lifting.

Pris. 'Las you must consider, Lady,

'Tis but young Term, Attornies ha small doings yet,

Then Highway Lawyers, they must needs ha little,

We'ave had no great good luck to speak troth, Beauty,

Since your stout Ladyship parted from's at Highgate,

But there's a fair hope now for a present hunder'd,

Here's mans Apparel, your Horse stands at door.

Lady. And what's the virtuous plot now?

Prisc. Marry Lady,

You, like a brave young Gallant must be robb'd.

Lady. I robb'd?

Pris. Nay then —

Lady. Well, well, go on, let's hear Sir.

Pris. Here's a seal'd bag of a Hunder'd, which indeed

Are Counters all, only some sixteen Groats

Of white money i'th' mouth on't.

Lady. So, what Saddle have I?

Pris. Monsieur Laroon's the Frenchmans.

Lady. That agen,

You know so well it is not for my stride,

How oft have I complain'd on't?

Pris. You may have [Jockey's] then, the little Scotch one,

You must dispatch.

Lady. I'll soon be ready, Sir,

Before you ha shifted Saddles, many Women

Have their wealth flow to 'em, I was made I see

To help my fortune, not my fortune me.

Cun. My ways are Goblin-led, and the night-Elf

Still draws me from my home, yet I follow,

Sure, 'tis not altogether fabulous,

Such Haggs do get dominion of our tongues

So soon as we speak, the Inchantment binds;

I have dissembled such a trouble on me,

As my best wits can hardly clear agen;

Piping through this old reed, the Guardianess,

With purpose that my harmony shall reach

And please the Ladies ear, she stops below,

And ecchoes back my Love unto my Lips,

Perswaded by most violent arguments

Of self-love in her self; I am so self-fool,

To doat upon her hunder'd wrinkl'd face;

I could beggar her to accept the gifts

She would throw upon me; 'twere charity,

But for pities sake I will be a niggard

And undo her, refusing to take from her;

I'm haunted agen, if it take not now

I'll break the Spell.

Guard. Sweet Cuningam, welcome;

What? a whole day absent? Birds that build Nests

Have care to keep 'em.

Cun. That's granted,

But not continually to sit upon 'em;

Less in the youngling season, else they desire

To fly abroad, and recreate their labours,

Then they return with fresher appetite

To work agen.

Guard. Well, well, you have built a Nest

That will stand all storms, you need not mistrust

A weather-wrack, and one day it may be

The youngling season too, then I hope

You'll ne'er fly out of sight.

Cun. There will be pains,

I see to shake this Burr off, and sweetest,

Prethee how fares thy charge? has my good friend

Sir Gregory, the countenance of a Lover?

Guard. No by my troth, not in my mind, methinks

(Setting his Worship aside) he looks like a fool.

Cun. Nay i'faith, ne'r divide his Worship from him for that

Small matter; Fool and Worship are no such

Strangers now adaies, but my meaning is,

Has he thy Ladies countenance of Love?

Looks she like a welcome on him? plainly,

Have they as good hope of one another,

As Cupid bless us, we have?

Guard. Troth I know not,

I can perceive no forwardness in my charge,

But I protest I wish the Knight better

For your sake, Bird.

Cun. Why thanks sweet Bird, and with my heart I wish,

That he had as strong and likely hope of her

As thou hast of me.

Guard. Well, he's like to speed

Ne'er the worse for that good wish, and I'll tell you

Bird (for secrets are not to be kept betwixt us two)

My charge thinks well of you.

Cun. Of me? for what?

Guard. For my sake, I mean so, I have heard her

A hundred times, since her Uncle gave her

The first bob about you, that she'd doe somewhat

For my sake, if things went well together,

We have spoke of doors and bolts, and things and things,

Go too, I'll tell you all, but you'll find

Some advancement, for my sake, I do believe.

Cun. Faith be not sparing, tell me.

Guard. By my Lady

You shall pardon me for that, 'twere a shame

If men should hear all that women speak behind

Their backs sometimes.

Cun. You must give me leave yet,

At least to give her thanks.

Guard. Nor that neither,

She must not take [a] notice of my blabbing,

It is sufficient you shall give me thanks,

For 'tis for my sake if she be bountiful,

She loves me, and loves you too for my sake.

Cun. How shall I, knowing this, but be ingrate,

Not to repay her with my dearest duty.

Guard. I, but you must not know it, if you tell

All that I open to you; you'll shame us both;

A far off you may kiss your hand, blush or so,

But I'll allow no nearer conference.

Cun. Whoop! you'll be jealous I perceive now.

Guard. Jealous? why there's no true love without it, Bird,

I must be jealous of thee, but for her,

(Were it within my duty to my Master)

I durst trust her with the strongest temp[t]er,

And I dare swear her now as pure a Virgin

As e'er was welcom'd to a marriage bed;

If thoughts may be untainted, hers are so.

Cun. And where's the cause of your fear then?

Guard. Well, well;

When things are past, and the wedding Torches

Lighted at Matches, to kindle better fire,

Then I'll tell you more.

Cun. Come, come, I see farther,

That if we were married, you'd be jealous.

Guard. I protest I should a little, but not of her

It is the married woman (if you mark it)

And not the Maid that longs, the appetite

Follows the first taste, when we have relisht

We wish cloying, the taste once pleas'd before,

Then our desire is whetted on to more,

But I reveal too much to you, i'faith Bird.

Cun. Not a whit i'faith, Bird, betwixt you and I,

I am beholding for bettering of my knowledg.

Guard. Nay, you shall know more of me, if you'll be rul'd

But make not things common.

Cun. Ud' so, your Lady?

Guard. I, 'tis no matter, she'll like well of this,

Our familiarity is her content.

Nee. This present from Sir Greg[o]ry?

Clow. From my Master, the Worshipful, right Sir Greg[o]ry Fop.

Nee. A Ruffe? and what might be his high conceit

In sending of a Ruff?

Clow. I think he had two conceits in it forsooth, too high too Low, Ruff high, because as the Ruff does embrace your neck all day, so does he desire to throw his Knightly Arms.

Nee. But then I leave him off a-nights.

Clow. Why then he is ruffe low, a ruffian, a bold adventurous errand to do any rough service for his Lady.

Nee. A witty and unhappy conceit, does he mean

As he seems to say unto that reverence?

He does wooe her sure.

Clow. To tell [you] truth, Lady, his conceit was far better than I have blaz'd it yet.

Nee. Do you think so, Sir?

Clow. Nay, I know it forsooth, for it was two days, e'r he compass'd it, to find a fitting present for your Ladyship, he was sending once a very fine Puppy to you.

Nee. And that he would have brought himself.

Clow. So he would indeed, but then he alter'd his device, and sent this Ruffe; requesting withall, that whensoever it is foul, you (with your own hands) would bestow the starching of it.

Nee. Else she wooes him, now his eyes shoots this way;

And what was the reason for that, Sir?

Clow. There lies his main conceit, Lady, for says he, In so doing she cannot chuse but in the starching, to clap it often between her hands, and so she gives a great liking and applause to my Present, whereas, if I should send a Puppy, she ever calls it to her with hist, hiss, hiss, which is a fearful disgrace, he drew the device from a Play, at the Bull tother day.

Nee. I marry Sir, this was a rich conceit indeed.

Clow. And far fetch'd, therefore good for you, Lady.

Guard. How now? which way look you, Bird?

Cun. At the Fool Bird, shall I not look at the Fool?

Guard. At the Fool and I here? what need that? pray look this way.

Nee. I'll fit him aptly, either I'll awake

His wits (if he have any,) or force him

To appear (as yet I cannot think him)

Without any. Sirrah, tell me one thing true

That I shall aske you now, Was this device

Your Masters own? I doubt his wit in it;

He's not so ingen[i]us.

Clow. His own I assure you, Madam.

Nee. Nay, you must not lye.

Clow. Not with a Lady, I'd rather lye with you, than lie with my Master, by your leave in such a case as this.

Guard. Yet agen your eye?

Cun. The fool makes mirth i'faith,

I would hear some.

Guard. Come, you shall hear none but me.

Nee. Come hither, friend, nay, come nearer me; did

Thy Master send thee to me? he may be wise,

But did not shew it much in that; men sometimes

May wrong themselves unawares, when they least think on't;

Was Vulcan ever so unwise to send Mars

To be his spokesman, when he went a wooing?

Send thee? hey-ho, a pretty rowling eye.

Clow. I can turn up the white and the black too, and need be forsooth.

Nee. Why, here's an amor[o]us nose.

[Clow.] You see the worst of my nose, forsooth.

Nee. A cheek, how I could put it now in dalliance,

A pair of Lips, oh that we were uney'd,

I could suck Sugar from 'em, what a beard's here!

When will the Knight thy Master have such a

Stamp of manhood on his face? nay, do not blush.

Clow. 'Tis nothing but my flesh and blood that rises so.

Cun. 'Death, she courts the fool.

Guard. Away, away, 'tis sport, do not mind it.

Nee. Give me thy hand, come, be familiar;

[I, h]ere's a promising palm; what a soft

Handful of pleasure's here, here's Down compar'd

With Flocks and quilted Straw, thy Knights fingers

Are lean mattrice rubbers to these Feathers,

I prethee let me lean my cheek upon't.

What a soft pillow's here!

Clow. Hum, umh, hu, hum.

Neece. Why there's a courage in that lively passion,

Measure thee all o'r, there's not a limb

But has his full proportion, it is my voice,

There's no compare betwixt the Knight and thee,

The goodlier man [by] half, at once now

I see thee all over.

Clow. If you had seen me swim t'other day on my back, you would have sed you had seen, there was two Chambermaids that saw me, and my legs by chance were tangled in the flags, and when they saw how I was hang'd, they cryed out, Oh help the man for fear he be drown'd.

Neec. They could do no less in pity, come thine arm, we'll walk together.

Cun. Blindness of Love and Women, why she dotes upon the fool.

Guard. What's that to you, mind her not.

Cun. Away you Burr.

Guard. How's that?

Cun. Hang of Fleshook, fasten thine itchy claspe

On some dry Toad-stool that will kindle with thee,

And burn together.

Guard. Oh abominable,

Why do you not love me?

Cun. No, never did;

I took thee down a little way to

Enforce a Vomit from my offended stomach,

Now thou'rt up agen, I loath thee filthily.

Guard. Oh villain.

Cun. Why dost thou not see a sight.

Would make a man abjure the sight of Women.

Neece. Ha, ha, ha, he's vext; ha, ha, ha.

Clow. Ha, ha, ha.

Neece. Why dost thou laugh?

Clow. Because thou laugh'st, nothing else i'faith.

Cun. She has but mockt my folly, else she finds not

The bosome of my purpose, some other way,

Must make me know; I'll try her, and may chance quit

The fine dexterity of her Lady-wit.

Neec. Yes introth, I laught to think of thy Master,

Now, what he would think if he knew this?

Clow. By my troth I laugh at him too, faith sirrah, he's but a fool to say the truth, though I say't, that should not say't.

Neece. Yes, thou shouldst say truth, and I believe thee;

Well, for this time we'll part, you perceive something,

Our tongues betray our hearts, there's our weakness,

But pray be silent.

Clow. As Mouse in Cheese, or Goose in Hay i'faith.

Neece. Look, we are cut off, there's my hand where my

Lips would be.

Clow. I'll wink, and think 'em thy Lips, farewel.

Neece. Now Guardianess, I need not ask where you have been.

Guard. Oh Lady, never was woman so abus'd.

Clow. Dost thou hear Lady, sweet-heart, I had forgot to tell thee, if you will, I will come back in the evening.

Neece. By no means, come not till I send for you.

Clow. If there be any need, you may think of things when I am gone, I may be convey'd into your chamber, I'll lye under the bed while midnight, or so, or you shall put me up in one of your little boxes, I can creep in at a small hole.

Neece. These are things I dare not venture, I charge you on my love, never come till I send for you.

Clow. Verbum insapienti, 'tis enough to the wise, nor I think it is not fit the Knight should know any thing yet.

Neece. By no means, pray you go now, we are suspected.

Clow. For the things that are past, let us use our secrets.

Neece. Now I'll make a firm trial of your love,

As you love me, not a word more at this time,

Not a syllable, 'tis the seal of love, take heed.

Clow. Hum, hum, hum, hum – .

He humhs loath to depart.

Neece. So, this pleasant trouble's gone, now Guardianess,

What? your eyes easing your heart, the cause woman?

Guard. The cause is false man, Madam, oh Lady,

I have been gull'd in a shining Carbuncle,

A very Glo-worm, that I thought had fire in't,

And 'tis as cold as Ice.

Neece. And justly serv'd,

Wouldst thou once think that such an [erring] spring

Would dote upon thine Autumn?

Guard. Oh, had you heard him but protest.

Neece. I would not have believ'd him,

Thou might'st have perceiv'd how I mock'd thy folly.

In wanton imitation with the Fool,

Go weep the sin of thy credulity,

Not of thy loss, for it was never thine,

And it is gain to miss it; wert thou so dull?

Nay, yet thou'rt stupid and uncapable,

Why, thou wert but the bait to fish with, not

The prey, the stale to catch another Bird with.

Guard. Indeed he call'd me Bird.

Neece. Yet thou perceiv'st not,

It is your Neece he loves, wouldst thou be made

A stalking Jade? 'tis she examine it,

I'll hurry all awry, and tread my path

Over unbeaten grounds, go level to the mark,

Not by circular bouts, rare things are pleasing,

And rare's but seldom in the simple sence,

But has her Emphasis with eminence.

Guard. My Neece? she the rival of my abuse?

My flesh and blood wrong me? I'll Aunt her for't;

Oh opportunity, thou blessest me

Now Gentlewoman are you parted so soon?

Where's your friend I pray? your Cuningam?

Mir. What say you Aunt?

Guard. Come, come, your Cuningame?

I am not blind with age yet, nor deaf.

Mir. Dumb I am sure you are not, what ail you Aunt?

Are you not well?

Guard. No, nor sick, nor mad, nor in my wits, nor sleeping, nor waking, nor nothing, nor any thing; I know not what I am, nor what I am not.

Mir. Mercy cover us, what do you mean, Aunt?

Guard. I mean to be reveng'd.

Mir. On whom?

Guard. On thee Baggage.

Mir. Revenge should follow injury,

Which never reacht so far as thought in me

Towards you Aunt.

Guard. Your cunning, minion,

Nor your Cuningame; can either blind me,

The gentle Beggar loves you.

Mir. Beseech you,

Let me stay your error, I begin to hear,

And shake off my amazement; if you think

That ever any passage treating love

Hath been betwixt us yet commenc'd, any

Silent eye-glance that might but sparkle fire,

So much as Brother and Sister might meet with,

The Lip-salute, so much as strangers might

Take a farewel with, the commixed hands,

Nay, but the least thought of the least of these;

In troth you wrong your bosom, by that truth

(Which I think yet you durst be bail for in me,

If it were offer'd ye) I am as free

As all this protestation.

Guard. May I believe this?

Mir. If ever you'll believe truth: why, I thought he had

spoke love to you, and if his heart prompted his tongue, sure

I did hear so much.

Guard. Oh falsest man, Ixion's plague fell on me,

Never by woman (such a masculine cloud)

So airy and so subtle was embrac'd.

Mir. By no cause in me, by my life dear Aunt.

Guard. I believe you, then help in my revenge,

And you shall do't, or lose my love for ever,

I'll have him quitted at his equal weapon,

Thou art young, follow him, bait his desires

With all the Engines of a womans wit,

Stretch modesty even to the highest pitch;

He cannot freeze at such a flaming beauty;

And when thou hast him by th' amorous gills,

Think on my vengeance, choak up his desires,

Then let his banquetings be Tantalisme,

Let thy disdain spurn the dissembler out;

Oh I should climb my Stars, and sit above,

To see him burn to ashes in his love.

Mir. This will be a strange taste, Aunt, and an

Unwilling labour, yet in your injunction

I am a servant to't.

Guard. Thou'lt undertak't?

Mir. Yes, let the success commend it self hereafter.

Guard. Effect it Girl, my substance is thy store,

Nothing but want of Will makes woman poor.

Sir Greg. Why Pompey, thou art not stark mad, art thou? Wilt thou not tell me how my Lady does?

Clow. Your Lady?

Sir Greg. Did she receive the thing that I sent her kindly, or no:

Clow. The thing that you sent her, Knight, by the thing that you sent, was for the things sake that was sent to carry the thing that you sent, very kindly receiv'd; first, there is your Indenture, now go seek you a servant: secondly, you are a Knight: thirdly and lastly, I am mine own man: and fourthly, fare you well.

Sir Greg. Why Pompey? prethee let me speak with thee, I'll lay my life some hare has crost him.

Clow. Knight, if you be a Knight, so keep you; as for the Lady, who shall say that she is not a fair Lady, a sweet Lady, an honest and a virtuous Lady, I will say he is a base fellow, a blab of his tongue, and I will make him eat these fingers ends.

Sir Greg. Why, here's no body says so Pompey.

Clow. Whatsoever things have past between the Lady and the other party, whom I will not name at this time, I say she is virtuous and honest, and I will maintain it, as long as I can maintain my self with bread and water.

Sir Greg. Why I know no body thinks otherwise.

Clow. Any man that does but think it in my hearing, I will make him think on't while he has a thought in his bosom; shall we say that kindnesses from Ladies are common? or that favours and protestations are things of no moment betwixt parties and parties? I say still, whatsoever has been betwixt the Lady and the party, which I will not name, that she is honest, and shall be honest, whatsoever she does by day or by night, by light or by darkness, with cut and long tail.

Sir Greg. Why I say she is honest.

Clow. Is she honest? in what sense do you say she is honest, Knight?

Sir Greg. If I could not find in my heart to throw my dagger at thy head, hilts and all, I'm an ass, and no Gentleman.

Clow. Throw your Dagger at me! do not Knight, I give you fair warning, 'tis but cast away if you do, for you shall have no other words of me, the Lady is an honest Lady, whatsoever reports may go of sports and toys, and thoughts, and words, and deeds, betwixt her and the party which I will not name; this I give you to understand, That another man may have as good an eye, as amorous a nose, as fair a stampt beard, and be as proper a man as a Knight, (I name no parties) a Servingman may be as good as a Sir, a Pompey as a Gregory, a Doodle as a Fop; so Servingman Pompey Doodle, may be respected as well with Ladies (though I name no parties) as Sir Gregory Fop; so farewell:

Sir Greg. If the fellow be not out of his wits, then will I never have any more wit while I live; either the sight of the Lady has gaster'd him, or else he's drunk, or else he walks in his sleep, or else [he]'s a fool, or a knave, or both, one of the three, I'm sure 'tis; yet now I think on't, she has not us'd me so kindly as her Uncle promis'd me she should, but that's all one, he says I shall have her, and I dare take his word for the best [h]orse I have, and that's a weightier thing than a Lady, I'm sure on't.

Lady Ruin. Nay, I am your own, 'tis in your pleasure

How you'll deal with me; yet I would intreat,

You will not make that which is bad enough,

Worse than it need be, by a second ill,

When it can render you no second profit;

If it be coin you seek, you have your prey,

All my store I vow, (and it weighs a hundred)

My life, or any hurt you give my body,

Can inrich you no more.

Witty. You may pursue.

L. Ruin. As I am a Gentleman; I never will,

Only we'll bind you to quiet behaviour

Till you call out for Bail, and on th' other

Side of the hedge leave you; but keep the peace

Till we be out of hearing, for by that

We shall be out of danger, if we come back,

We come with a mischief.

Lady. You need not fear me.

Prisc. Come, we'll bestow you then.

Wit. Why law you Sir, is not this a swifter Revenue

than, Sic probas, ergo's & igitur's can bring in? why is not this

one of your Syllogismes in Barbara? Omne utile est honestum.

Cred. Well Sir, a little more of this acquaintance

Will make me know you fully, I protest.

You have (at first sight) made me conscious

Of such a deed my dreams ne'er prompted, yet

I could almost have wish'd rather ye'ad rob'd me

Of my Cloak, (for my Purse 'tis a Scholars)

Than to have made me a robber.

I had rather have answered three difficult questions,

Than this one, as easie, as yet it seems.

Witty. Tush, you shall never come to farther answer for't;

Can you confess your penurious Uncle,

In his full face of love, to be so strict

A Nigard to your Commons, that you are fain

To size your belly out with Shoulder Fees?

With Rumps and Kidneys, and Cues of single Beer,

And yet make Daymy to feed more daintily,

At this easier rate? fie Master Credulous,

I blush for you.

Cred. This is a truth undeniable.

Wit. Why go to then, I hope I know your Uncle,

How does he use his Son, nearer than you?

Cred. Faith, like his Jade, upon the bare Commons,

Turn'd out to pick his living as he can get it;

He would have been glad to have shar'd in such

A purchase, and thank'd his good fortune too.

But mum no more – is all safe, Bullies?

Ruin. Secure, the Gentleman thinks him most happy in his loss,

With his safe life and limbs, and redoubles

His first vow, as he is a Gentleman,

Never to pursue us.

Wit. Well away then,

Disperse you with Master Credulous, who still

Shall bear the purchase, Priscian and I,

Will take some other course: You know our meeting

At the Three Cups in St Gile's, with this proviso,

(For 'tis a Law with us) that nothing be open'd

Till all be present, the looser saies a hundred,

And it can weigh no less.

Ruin. Come, Sir, we'll be your guide.

Cred. My honesty, which till now was never forfeited,

All shall be close till our meeting.

Witty. Tush, I believ't.

And then all shall out; where's the thief that's robb'd?

L. Rui. Here Master Oldcraft, all follows now.

Witty. 'Twas neatly done, wench, now to turn that bag

Of counterfeits to current pieces, & actum est.

L. Rui. You are the Chymist, we'll blow the fire still,

If you can mingle the ingredients.

Witty. I will not miss a cause, a quantity, a dram,

You know the place.

Pris. I have told her that, Sir.

Witty. Good, turn Ruinous to be a Constable, I'm sure

We want not beards of all sorts, from the

Worshipful Magistrate to the under Watchman;

Because we must have no danger of life,

But a cleanly cheat, attach Credulous,

The cause is plain, the theft found about him;

Then fall I in his own Cosins shape

By mere accident, where finding him distrest,

I with some difficulty must fetch him off,

With promise that his Uncle shall shut up all

With double restitution: Master Constable, Ruinous

His mouth shall be stopt; you, Mistriss rob-thief,

Shall have your share of what we can gull my Father of;

Is't plain enough?

L. Rui. As plain a cozenage as can be, faith.

Witty. Father, I come again, and again when this is

Past too, Father, one will beget another;

I'd be loath to leave your posterity barren,

You were best [to] come to composition Father,

Two hundred pieces yearly allow me yet,

It will [be] cheaper (Father) than my wit,

For I will cheat none but you, dear Father.