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Chapter Two

Being a Good Parent

“Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit. Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever, even if your whole world seems upset.”

• Saint Francis de Sales •

Having read the above quote, I know one thing for certain: Saint Francis was never on a conference call when he spotted his potty-training daughter about to wipe poo off her underwear with the dish cleaning rag. His point as it applies to parenting, however, is that to be a good parent we must set the right example by our attitude and demeanor.

We can’t go wrong imitating people like Alice of Montbar. She had seven children, six of whom have been beatified, and the seventh is Saint Bernard of Clairvaux. She married the chief advisor to a French duke. That meant they could live large, but Alice wasn’t down with that. Based on their station in life, they could, and by the social standards of the day, should, eat sumptuously at every meal, but Alice kept things simple. They also dressed more plainly than was standard for their rank. Back in the eleventh century, Alice was the first to say, “Modest is hottest,” but in French. You can quote me on that, though I wouldn’t recommend it since I totally just made that up. Most scandalous of all was her propensity to go out and feed the hungry and tend to the sick in a way that would’ve made Saint Teresa of Calcutta proud. Based on how holy her kids turned out, I’m pretty sure she took her children with her, teaching them without words to be humble and to care for those less fortunate.

In our day this might translate to having food on hand for homeless people on street corners, giving to your parish food pantry, or visiting the elderly in nursing homes. When I was a child, my mom would bake cakes and bring them to the local nursing home to celebrate all the residents with birthdays that month. The employees kindly hung a sign with those residents’ names so we could sing to them accordingly. Of course, not all the birthday celebrants would attend. It was usually just the same old faces (excuse the pun) each time, but that day was probably a highlight of their month. The elderly love seeing children and having visitors. Bringing cake helps. I don’t remember there being ice cream. I probably ate it in the car on the way.

Our children learn a lot from our example and teaching including, of course, manners. I sent my six-year-old to deliver lemons and oranges from our yard to the widow next door. Worried that she might rudely deliver the fruit and leave without a word, I called to her, “Don’t forget to say, ‘You’re welcome.’” When she returned, she gave me the full report: “I rang the doorbell, and when the lady opened the door, I said, ‘You’re welcome!’ and handed her the bag.” I guess I should’ve been more specific.

Sometimes teaching our kids to be specific, and honest, can backfire — though I’m not saying it shouldn’t be tried. One day, my youngest daughter said, “These eggs are delicious, Grandma.” My mom replied, “Why, thank you!” Then my daughter gave her reasoning: “Because I like things that are burnt.”

Parenting requires so much diligence, not to mention energy. A friend says the first step in good parenting is to get up off the couch. How often have you, like me, told a kid to “Come here and tell me” or asked an older child to check on their sibling, because you didn’t want to go wherever she was? Or, like another friend, when told a child was injured, responded with, “Is it bleeding?” Now, eight kids in, she calls, “Is it gushing?” Anything less and she can’t be bothered. Granted, these kids have more energy in their tiny legs than we have in our whole bodies.

If you are sitting on the couch, however, it’s easier to be at your child’s eye level. Making eye contact shows you’re giving your complete attention — something kids crave. Okay fine, adults too. Too often I’ll be typing, still looking at the screen but slightly turning my head in my daughter’s direction, saying, “Uh huh” and “Okay” without really hearing what she’s saying. Usually it’s nothing important (from my perspective), but if I’m not careful, I may find her eating cookies for breakfast (kid after my own heart), with my apparent permission.

Children need our attention for their emotional well-being. A friend with a large family noticed one of her kids had gone quiet for several days. Of course, with adolescents, simply asking what was wrong got this mom nowhere. Then she had the idea to go shopping and invite only this child to accompany her. After their special mommy-daughter time, the girl perked up and was back to her normal self. Whenever the melancholy seemed to creep back in, this mom knew it was time for some one-on-one again. She said to her husband, “Sorry, honey. She needs me to take her shopping,” as she grabbed her purse and dashed.

What a wonderful experience it is for our children to have mommy or daddy all to themselves to explain what’s in their drawing, or describe a bug they found, or — heaven help us — verbally illustrate a dream they had last night. That last one is the worst. That’s when I let them follow me to the kitchen so I can at least be scrubbing potatoes while I listen. I find that giving my attention to one kid at a time keeps me from being stressed out by the big picture. When my baby needs me, I take him to his room and shut the door so I can focus just on him. This only works when your other children aren’t likely to shave the dog or set the couch on fire. But if I can ignore everything else for just a few minutes, it’s incredibly soothing. I can say, “It’s just you and me, baby. You have me completely.” Of course, looking at his cute, chubby face is always therapeutic.

Extending these principles, you can spend one-on-one time with each child as a way of “checking in” or making sure all is well. I start with a finger and toenail check on baby Joe. All clipped and ready to go. When did I last give him a bath? Shoot, has it been that long? Don’t tell my husband. Then I work my way up to the next kid until she goes on for too long about Calvin and Hobbes. Next one: Do you need anything? Order more books from the library? Can do! And the oldest girl — I have to strap in for that one. Once I’ve completed the rounds, I have peace of mind knowing everyone is present and accounted for (lest I inadvertently lose one), and each one’s needs are being met. And if not, I’ll do what I can to be sure they are. Pro tip: Do this every once and a while with your spouse, too!

Younger kids might be bothered that they can’t do the same things as their older siblings, like check the bear traps or drive the Batmobile. At a playground a little girl was crying because she couldn’t swing across the monkey bars like her big brother. The mom assured the girl that her brother was able because he’d done it more times. “Practice makes progress,” she said. I found that interesting. We can’t promise our kids they’ll become perfect at something, even with lots and lots of practice. No one is perfect at everything, despite what you see on Pinterest boards. By using the word “progress,” this mom helped her daughter realize that though she may not be great at something now, she can improve with repeated effort.

The less obvious message is that the popular trope of “you can be anything you want if you just try hard enough” is false. Despite this “good parenting” mantra of our modern culture, not everyone who wants to can become a Nobel Prize winner, or an astronaut, or Adele; which is why, when I sing at Mass, we suddenly end up with empty pews all around us. If your kids discover their big, fabulous dream isn’t coming true, it’s an opportunity to point out that God might not mean for them to cure the common cold, build a better mousetrap, invent a new ice cream flavor, save an endangered species, and all those things on the Game of Life “Life Tiles.” Of course, you should encourage your kids to set reasonable goals, but remind them that if things don’t seem to be working out, it may be because God has another, better plan that will take prayer and time to figure out. As an added bonus, fulfilling that plan will make them far happier even than winning American Idol. Pretending I did, however, comes in handy for those crowded Christmas and Easter Masses.

Seeing your children discouraged or disheartened is hard, though. Whenever a setback came to the children of a mom I know, she’d remind them that it just meant something great was about to happen. Many times I’ve witnessed sad endings being the path to happy beginnings. Like losing a job only to get a better one. Or, in kid language, their bike breaking and getting a new one. Maybe don’t mention that to them, though, just in case their bike “accidentally” falls off a cliff. There are many highs and lows in life, but ultimately, God has our backs.

Leaving your children with an encouraging thought, such as God having it covered, is great at bedtime. Let them drift to sleep with something positive on their mind. My grandmother would always tell my mom, “You’re wonderful” when tucking her in at night. “Jesus loves you, and I do too,” you could say, especially if you butted heads that day, reminding your child that, despite everything, you still love him or her and always will.

You could also have them recall a happy thought from the day or remind them of something to look forward to the next day. (Perhaps not that last thing if they’re the type to stay awake due to excitement.) Maybe they could fall asleep thinking about heaven, or what it would be like to ride on a giant eagle, or what the monster living under their bed looks like. Saint John Vianney’s mom would speak to her children of God, Mary, and the angels before bed. Likewise, when they woke in the morning, she’d be there to remind them of Jesus, first thing.

Let the reminders continue. When a friend drops her kids off at school she tells them, “Be kind and always do your best.” I respect that she goes beyond the cliché of “have fun” or “have a good day.” You could even vary it up with things like “Be a friend to those who need it” or “Keep Jesus close in your thoughts” or “Remember that your guardian angel works for free so don’t press your luck.”

In the evening, try to make family dinner the norm. Being together strengthens the familial bond, builds positive relationships among siblings, and generally keeps teenagers out of the usual teenagery troubles. Younger kids learn new vocabulary words (for good or bad) and proper table manners. Everyone is more apt to eat healthy, and therefore be healthy, and you’ll have a better idea what’s going on in the lives of your kids. To get the ball rolling, you can play the high/low game where each person names the best and worst part of their day: “We bought a new carton of ice cream! That carton is now empty.” It’s a great way to find out what drives and motivates your kids.

Perhaps you’re already familiar with Gary Chapman’s book The Five Love Languages. He identifies them as: physical touch, words of encouragement, quality time, gift giving, and works of service. Chapman asserts that the way a person expresses love through one of those five methods is how he or she also feels love in return. Discovering someone’s language makes it easier to show that person love. Mine must be acts of service, because I love my kids so much more when they do stuff for me.

This methodology also applies to children. Though, for my husband and me, it’s difficult (especially when they’re younger) to discern their love language unless it’s physical touch. I have one like this. She’ll often stop in front of me with her arms out and proclaim: “Hug Momma!” Then she’ll latch on to me and make it hard to walk. Putting forth the effort to understand your kids’ personalities is helpful for knowing what works and what doesn’t with each child. Our oldest wrote us a nice note listing reasons why she loved us, which was very, very long, of course. Among her reasons was not hugging her when she’s upset, or so she emphasized. Learning to accept the hands-off approach with her was difficult for us, but physical comfort only made things worse. (Later we found out writing this letter was her penance from confession, but we’ll take it.)

This child’s attitude, however, helped us learn another important lesson: not to make a mountain out of a molehill. When my kids hurt themselves, I’m kind of like, “meh.” Yes, I’ll tend to the wound, but I won’t make a bigger deal out of it than it warrants. When I was a school secretary, kids would sometimes come to me asking for a Band-Aid for some microscopic cut. When I couldn’t see anything, they’d squeeze until the tiniest drop of blood was visible. My favorite kids were the ones who came to the office with blood I could see from several feet away. I’d say, “Whoa, let me get you a Band-Aid,” but they’d be like, “Nah, I’m just gonna slap a paper towel across it and head back out.” Those kids were all from the same hardy family of goat owners. I loved them. The kids, not the goats. Maybe both. Baby goats are kids, so I guess both.

These children didn’t try to make a huge fuss in order to get attention. They dealt with the problem simply and moved on. They were tough, and that’s an attitude that will get them far in life. I recommend encouraging that in your kids, goat or human. For the whiners, ahem, I mean the more sensitive children, you can always point out that each passing moment gets the owie closer to being healed. You can also remind them that tomorrow they’ll feel so much better (or by bedtime, or in like one minute, depending).

Something else helpful to keep in your back pocket is the phrase, “Would you like to be the one to” when asking a child to do something for you. That way it sounds like the requested task is an honor and a privilege rather than a chore, especially when you use this phrase with fun stuff. Would you like to be the one who puts the bubbles in the bathtub? Licks the sour cream spoon? Butters the garlic toast? Straightens the shoes? Puts away the laundry? Takes the trash to the dumpster? See what I did there? Sometimes that phrase kicks off something enticing. Whenever they hear it, their ears may perk. And if their answer is no, change the question to: “Put the laundry away or change the baby’s stinky diaper? Those are your options.” That laundry will get put away. Pretty much anything you couple with a stinky diaper will be guaranteed to get done.

Diaper changing duty is a task no kid would mind sharing with someone else without us needing to ask. Sharing, in general, however, shouldn’t be forced. Even though “don’t forget to share” is a common parental phrase, we shouldn’t make our kids give up a toy or the swing for someone else all the time. Sharing is no doubt important, but only when the child does so from his own initiative. We can model sharing by doing so ourselves and then encouraging our kids to follow suit by pointing out how sharing brings others joy. For them you could say, “How nice of you to let the other boy play with your ball. See how happy you made him? Thank you for sharing.”

However, sharing isn’t always appropriate. What if your child wasn’t finished on the swing, for instance? Instead, offer him advanced notice that soon it will be someone else’s turn. “Five more minutes on the swing then let someone else have a go.” Another option is playing together. “How about you kick the ball back and forth to each other?” rather than making your child give up his toy entirely. Being nice is one thing, but we don’t want our children to feel like sharing is a punishment when they haven’t done anything wrong.

Good parenting encompasses all these techniques. But just know that when all is calm and quiet in your home, and you’re lulled into a false sense of security and “I’m a good parent”-ness, that’s precisely when you’ll find an entire roll of toilet paper unraveled into the toilet and a pile of poo sinking into the fibers of your bathroom rug. True story.

When you’re feeling a little down, like you may be failing your children because they’re not involved in fifty sports and you don’t have thirty-two play dates lined up for next week, just ask yourself this: Are they happy (not just because you scored them tickets to WrestleMania on Ice) and holy (you’re doing what you can there)? If yes, then you’re a good parent. Be at peace.