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Chapter One

Being a Happy Parent

“True holiness consists in doing God’s will with a smile.”

• Saint Teresa of Calcutta •

For most people, parenthood begins with an infant, and that’s sort of a raw deal. Sure, they’re cute and cuddly and they can’t dump all your Tupperware on the kitchen floor yet, or unravel an entire roll of toilet paper into the toilet, but they’re still difficult. I know because I currently have one. Or rather, we have one. I made the mistake of referring to him as “my baby” within earshot of my seven-year-old. “He’s not your baby, Mom. He’s our baby, too.” I stand corrected.

So when our baby was overdue, my fellow mom-friends felt so much sympathy for me. I, on the other hand, relished how easy he was to take care of while still inside of me. All his needs were being met, no poopy diapers had to be changed, and I could cart him everywhere with my hands free. He was like a Bluetooth baby.

Now things are more difficult — and I know difficult. I’ve earned two PhDs and three masters, completed both a decathlon and a triathlon, was CEO of a Fortune 500 company, swam the English Channel, rode a barrel over Niagara Falls, and flew on the Apollo 13 Mission. (I wasn’t in the movie because I accidentally insulted Kevin Bacon’s mother.) Despite having totally, totally done all those things, I find parenting is still the hardest job ever. And the most rewarding.

During a homily at Mass, the deacon said, “Think about how God loves you,” and so I did. Almost immediately the image of my baby boy popped into my mind and my heart swelled with love. This is how God the Father loves us, his children, despite how frustrating we can be. Baby Joseph doesn’t listen to — or do — what I say, cries inexplicably, and gets bored easily even when he’s given lots of shiny new toys to play with. Sound familiar? Joseph has no idea all I do for him and the sacrifices I make. God’s like, “Yeah. I might know a thing or two about that.” Yet, I love my child completely and unequivocally, like my heavenly father loves me. (Baby Joe is also astonishingly cute, so there’s another similarity.)

Being a happy parent means focusing on the love we feel for our children, not on how trying and tiring they can be. It’s taking an attitude of “the milk bottle is half full” rather than “that bottle is half empty and gosh I’d better refill it soon before he starts shrieking.” (But go ahead and refill now, because shrieking babies are no fun.) Recalling the joy children bring us is the antidote to the frustration they also bring. My mom frequently says to my dad, “It’s a good thing you’re so cute.” I find myself doing the same with Joe.

Once, when my husband was holding Joe, I came walking down the hallway toward him. When he saw me, his face lit up and his arms and legs started jerking around like crazy. I’m going to hold on to that image forever, especially when he’s seventeen, or if he ever eats the last of the ice cream. I also appreciate that he’s not bothered by my appearance in the morning, or any other time of day for that matter. This is the joy a happy parent must recall.

Focusing on the blessings in your life, even if your house is a mess or the laundry is piling up, is the antidote to the parenting pits. Clearly your kids don’t mind those messes since they enjoy making them, and rolling around in a pile of unfolded laundry is the rainy-day equivalent of jumping in a pile of leaves. Why deprive your children of that joy? Instead, maintain an attitude of gratitude by focusing on the positive. Your children have enough clothes that they can get some dirty. The dishes stacked in the sink prove that you have ample food for your family. You have this wonderful book in your hands. Ice cream exists. And the list goes on and on.

Granted, during the sleep-deprived newborn days, it’s hard to stay positive. We know God doesn’t give us more than we can handle, but sometimes I feel like he gives me too much credit, as in, “I’m flattered you think I can do all of this, but I respectfully disagree.” To combat that sentiment, I choose to latch on to the sweet little things while they last. For instance, there’s nothing quite like waking up in the morning next to my baby, both of us lying on our backs, moving our limbs and grunting: me because I’m stretching, him because he’s filling his diaper. The next step is starting the day with a prayer, even if you mean to say, “Help me know and follow your will today,” but instead it comes out as, “Just five more minutes,” or “Please tell me I remembered to set the coffeemaker last night.” If I can read just a snippet of something holy, such as the life of a saint, I find it inspires me and provides a little more patience to make it through the day.

Patience does seem to be the key, though often it feels like I’ve tucked that key in my back pocket, forgetting there’s a hole in it. For the short while that I’m able to keep my patience, it’s quite helpful. At other times, I try not to sigh too heavily. I don’t just mean patience with your children — obviously that — but patience with yourself and your spouse, too. Along with that comes recognizing that you’ll make mistakes. When I think back on the ones I’ve made with my children, it makes me cringe, sometimes even cry. It’s a good thing they have memories as short as their attention spans. It also helps knowing that I’m not the only parent who messes up. I saw a picture of a T-shirt tag that bore the instructions: “Remove child before washing.” I mean, if that has to be stated for some parents, I can’t be doing too badly.

It’s a good thing we can learn from our mistakes. “The lesson retain, but forget the pain,” is a good motto. Once when we were staying at my in-laws, my young daughter was napping in the basement. The rest of us were sitting on the front lawn. The thought occurred to me that she would be waking up soon and I should check on her, but I didn’t feel like getting up. Soon she came out, crying, with my sister-in-law who’d heard her. She woke up in a strange place and didn’t know how to find me. After roughly a decade, that incident still gets me. I’ve learned that when you have a thought like, “Go check on your kid,” it’s likely your guardian angel or the Holy Spirit prompting you to action. I ignored it. He probably tried not to sigh too heavily. Thankfully, children are amazingly resilient. Even when you screw up, they have a tendency to overlook your shortcomings and love you anyway. We can learn a lot from our children.

Letting go can be a tough skill to learn, but taking a deep breath and moving on after an unfortunate incident will help you maintain a happier demeanor, especially when it comes to things you have no control over. Some days your children are just going to be fussy, like they’re taking turns or have it scheduled on a secret calendar. Keeping a sense of humor helps. Once I asked a friend how her kids were. She responded: “For sale.”

If you’re a perfectionist, having children may be particularly difficult, especially if you’re the type who tries to maintain a spotless home and the aforementioned laundry leaping idea doesn’t do it for you. You can be happier if you adopt this principle: let it go. Embroider it on a pillow if necessary.

Here’s a scenario: after breakfast, the floor under your table looks like the leftovers at the carnival in Charlotte’s Web. You want to sweep it immediately, but you’re unable because you’re wrangling tiny people all day. Lunch happens, and now the floor looks like the streets of New Orleans after Mardi Gras. You want to pull your hair out, but you still haven’t found time to clean. The solution? Make like Elsa and let it go. I don’t mean go a week without sweeping under the table. If mice move in to clean up the mess for you, well, that could be a win or a loss. The floor is getting cleaned, but if those mice start building temples to their gods complete with statues made from food scraps that impressively resemble your children, then you may have a problem. Get out the broom and destroy a civilization. But for those everyday things that put the perfectionist in you on high alert, remember that the world won’t end and your house won’t fall down around you if you don’t get to it right away. Take a deep breath, relax a little. Have another cup of coffee. The floor can wait.

Eventually you’ll reach the point where you are able to get some cleaning or other important tasks completed. For me, accomplishing a long-overdue task is priceless, much like a gemstone due to its rareness. Someone also told me you get endorphins from crossing things off your to-do list, which is why I have “Cross something off to-do list” written several times on mine.

If you take care of business right away, you get that sense of fulfillment and keep the task off a growing to-do list. Instead of staring at the cobweb in the corner for days, thinking, “I should take care of that,” just take care of it. But since dropping everything to climb onto the desk with a partially used napkin isn’t always feasible, take a moment to think of the one thing that most needs to get done. Make that your objective for the day. Dusting the whole house? Ugh! Dust just the living room? Okay. That I can do. So far, my family hasn’t minded that the vacuum moves from room to room each day as I tackle the carpets piecemeal. If I can just do one chore outside of the standard must-do-for-survival a day, I feel productive, which makes me happy. So today, scrub a toilet, dust just the living room, vacuum only the hallway, or finally put away that one thing that’s been sitting on the counter for weeks. I for one, after staring at the chipped paint on the windowsill for a month, am going to suck it up, sit myself down, and finally write my husband a note to patch it.

There are rare — okay, occasional — on second thought, frequent times where I haven’t followed my own advice and the dust gets to the point where the girls are drawing in it. (I like to do my part to support the arts.) This reminds me that it’s time to host a game night. That’s how I trick myself and the kids into cleaning. They love game nights because I let them stay up a smidge longer, and they also get to try all the tasty treats. They probably further appreciate that, busily engaged in conversation with a guest, I’ll typically say yes to them having just one more whatever that I would not allow under normal circumstances. The house gets clean, which makes me happy. The kids help, happier still. They get to stay up and eat yum-yums — a win for them. And my husband and I? We get to spend time with friends, another key to happiness. Although some nights I’m tired and regret the decision to have a party, as soon as people arrive, I perk up. Even though I’m an introvert, social time is great for the psyche. That reminds me. Let me check the dust level. Yep, it’s time to send another e-vite.

The other great thing about hosting game nights is it’s a date where you don’t have to hire a babysitter. I’m sure you’ve heard that you still need to date your spouse post-wedding to keep your relationship strong. Maintaining that marital strength adds to your happiness as a parent, also. Not only does an intact marriage make you happier, studies have shown that when parents are happy, their kids are happier, too. Having a spouse who is, hopefully, your best friend, means you can help each other through the inevitable tough times of parenting. During these rough patches, sometimes your only recourse besides each other is acceptance with joy. (And if joy isn’t around, acceptance with your other friend, chocolate.)

A friend’s son gives her the hardest time at bedtime if he so much as takes a five-minute nap during the day. She tries to keep him from falling asleep, but sometimes it happens in the car while she’s driving. She’s done everything but squirt him with a water bottle — like you do when your cat jumps on the counter. She hates the struggle that even this tiny nap will bring in the evening. There’s no way to fix her circumstances, so all that’s left is an attitude adjustment. Anticipating and accepting the difficulty makes it less frustrating.

Another example is when we took Joe on a “vacation” when he was five months old. I have since learned my lesson. It was awful. When I could get him to sleep, he only stayed asleep for thirty minutes. That was for naps and at nighttime. I was miserable. He was miserable. Everyone in a five-mile radius was miserable. Finally, I decided to just accept it. I chose to be prepared for, rather than irritated by, the short sleep. My attitude was the only thing I had the power to change. In doing so, I was able to relax my expectations and be happier by making the most of the trip, despite Joe’s less-than-ideal sleep habits. And now I know for next time to bring one of those noise machines that mimic the ocean, rain forest, or New York City traffic complete with honking horns and people yelling, “Hey, I’m walkin’ here!”

The other key to riding out calamity is remaining calm. A priest told a story about the car breaking down while his mom was driving him to school. She called her husband to come bail them out. It was inconvenient to be pulled away from work, and annoying to then get him to school so late, but if his parents were irritated, you would never have known. There was nothing they could do other than fix the situation and be on their way. Complaining about the dumb old car wouldn’t help anything, so why bother? When you can’t change something that’s happening to you, what’s the use in letting it drive you crazy? Staying calm in a negative situation makes one happier, or at least less unhappy.

Remaining calm sets a better example than we realize. Imagine you’re potty training your child. (Did you just shudder? My apologies.) Now imagine you take your child to the potty, but he doesn’t want to go. You try again later and still nothing. You ask him if he needs to go. He insists he doesn’t. Next thing you know, his pants are wet. You, frustrated by the whole experience, kind of lose it. “Look what you did! You wet your pants! I tried to get you to go on the potty. I sat you down, you said you didn’t need to go. Then I asked again, and you still said no. One minute later you’ve wet yourself. Now I have to wash you up and find clean clothes and—” you know the rest. Unbeknownst to you, this reaction is teaching your child to lie in order to avoid seeing you angry or be yelled at. Express disappointment, sure, but remain calm and patient. You want your child to feel safe coming to you with the truth when she ran a purple marker across the back of the white couch or when he threw a ball indoors and knocked over a lamp. If such incidents happen and you fly off the handle, don’t be surprised when you’re met with tight lips after asking who swirled a magnet across the computer screen.

Besides, such incidents are part of parenting and are to be expected. If your kids empty the contents of a flour bag all over the kitchen, or dump every single jigsaw puzzle you own into a single pile (both of these happened to friends of mine), take photos for social media and bask in the sympathy. And the laughter. Just remember to share the story at this child’s wedding reception.

Not all messes are that calamitous, but they’re bound to occur regardless, so look on the bright side. Your children played in the mud and got filthy. They were being creative, getting exercise, and having fun while you got some quiet time. Children and their messes can be cleaned. Things that break can be repaired or replaced. Baby teeth fall out anyway, so who cares if you forgot to brush them tonight? Same goes for eating healthy. You can load them up with vegetables tomorrow. They will eventually potty train, be able to feed themselves, get dressed by themselves, and more. There are pros and cons at every age. Focus on the pros.

You might think you’ll be truly happy if you could just have a girl, a boy, your dream home, a new car, a better job, or an ice cream shop to open up within walking distance. Perhaps you feel you’ll be happier when the kids are older and easier, or when they’re no longer teenagers, or when you have an empty nest, or when you can finally retire. But if you continue thinking that way — waiting for that next thing that you’re sure will make you happy — you’ll never be happy. Instead, find the joy in your life as a parent today.