Читать книгу The Gay Husband Checklist for Women Who Wonder - Bonnie Kaye - Страница 9
ОглавлениеQUESTIONS MOST ASKED BY STRAIGHT WIVESABOUT THEIR GAY HUSBANDS
During the last 25 years, I have counseled over 35,000 women who either are or have been married to gay men. I have compiled a list of the questions that are most commonly asked. After reading the answers, you will gain a better insight into the situation.
Q. What is your definition of a “gay” man?
A. I define a man as gay if he fits into any of these categories:
a. He is presently engaging in extramarital relations with another male.
b. He has had sex with a male since his marriage, assuming he had no previous sexual contact with males prior to the marriage.
c. He was involved in a gay relationship prior to the time of marriage other than an adolescent experimentation.
d. He has not yet acted on his feelings; however, he is discussing the desire to engage in homosexual behavior.
e. He is sexually aroused by gay porno or websites.
It is not uncommon for males to experiment sexually with other males at some point in their lives, usually during adolescence. If, however, this need for “experimentation” develops at a later age, it does not necessarily denote homosexuality.
After one homosexual encounter, a male may still be confused about his sexual orientation. Perhaps he was nervous and this inhibited his enjoyment. However, by the second or third time, he should have an idea of whether or not gay sex is gratifying or enjoyable for him. By the fourth or fifth encounter, it is no longer an experiment, but rather a preference.
Married men who suddenly express a desire to try gay sex may have been suppressing their needs until that time. That desire was always present even if it had not been acted on. Those men were hoping that marriage would be the “miracle cure” that would make them “normal,” but looking back they admit those feelings of attraction for men were always present.
Q. My husband still has sexual relations with me. Doesn’t that make him bisexual, rather than gay?
A. Bisexuality is a controversial issue, and there are numerous definitions of this word. I have yet to meet the man who is truly bisexual in the sense that he does not have a sexual preference.
Just because a gay man has sexual relations with a woman, that in and of itself does not mean that he is bisexual. It means that he can perform heterosexual sex. Some men perform out of duty, others out of an emotional need, and still others because they need a sexual release and their wives are handy. These men can complete sex, orgasm (sometimes), and a few even feel satisfied, but they still prefer to have sex with a male partner.
Often, the gay husband and the straight wife use the term “bisexual” because it is easier to deal with emotionally. It is more acceptable in our homophobic society and justifies a reason for keeping a marriage together. It is difficult for both partners to come to terms with homosexuality, and the classification of “bisexual” postpones the inevitable of dealing with the issue. I address the issue of bisexuality in a later chapter in this book.
Q. Why is my husband gay?
A. There are various theories about why a person is gay, but none has been proven completely. Some say genetics, while others say environmental factors. I believe that homosexuality is determined before birth. I have seen families where there are five children and one is gay, or four children and two are gay. If environment is the main factor, why aren’t all of the children gay?
Some people say that homosexuality is caused by a domineering mother and a passive father, claiming the father is a poor role model. Others say this occurs in families where the mother is passive and the father is aggressive and a poor role model. Almost everyone has one of these parent combinations, and yet, most of society is not homosexual. Although environment may have some effect, it is unlikely to determine a person’s sexual preference.
An example that challenges the environmental theory focuses on men who are in prisons. It is common for men who are straight to participate in gay sex while they are confined for a long period of time with no access to women, even though they had never considered homosexual relations prior to imprisonment. When these men are released from prison, they resume sexual relations with women without giving a thought to returning to gay sex. Even though they actively participated in homosexuality for long periods of time because of environmental factors, their basic sexual instincts did not change.
Q. Didn’t my husband know he was gay before he got married?
A. Chances are he did know something was different, but like you, he was misinformed. He thought that as long as he could “perform” with a woman, he was or really could be straight. He may have had one or more gay encounters with little success and/or lots of guilt and concluded that the straight world was where he belonged.
I have met gay men who insisted they didn’t know for sure that they were gay until after their marriages. But, even though this discovery came late, these men knew that there was something different about their sexuality, even if they didn’t pinpoint their feelings as homosexual.
Q. Why would a person who knows he is gay want to marry?
A. Gay men marry for a variety of reasons. The most common reason is because they are hoping for a miracle “cure” that will make them straight. Gay men who can function sexually with women (approximately 25%) often feel that their sexual desire for men will diminish once they are married and domestically settled. Marriage provides the illusion of heterosexuality, but it is only temporary. Within a short time, the husband realizes that his sexual urges for men are just as strong as ever, and the excitement he feels for his wife can never compare to the excitement he feels about men.
Other gay men marry because they have been brought up with the same American dream as straight men—the loving wife and the children in the house with the picket fence. For younger men in their twenties and thirties, the gay world often proves frustrating or empty. This results in the American dream looking better and better, causing gay men to convince themselves that they are ready to “give up the gay life and go straight.”
Another reason gay men marry is their desire to have children. Though paternal feelings can be genuine, fatherhood also creates a safe family unit and proves one’s masculinity to the outside world.
Gay men also marry because marriage provides a cover in today’s still homophobic society. Many high-level jobs would not promote a person to a higher level if homosexuality is suspected. Marriage and the family is a perfect cover and it allays the fears of the suspicious.
The ability to sexually function with a woman prompts 20 - 25% of gay men into marriage because in this situation they can cling to the illusion that they are straight. These are the men I feel most sorry for. They are neither here nor there, fish nor fowl, caught in between two worlds, neither of which they feel completely comfortable in. In most cases, they do not find sustained happiness in their lives because of their inability to come to terms with themselves.
I have also met men who deny their homosexuality for years, even though they have regular homosexual encounters. I have questioned these men about how they can deny this side of themselves, but they honestly can’t come to terms with it. They need to believe they are straight to such a degree that they deny their gayness altogether.
Q. Since my husband can function sexually in a heterosexual manner why does he “choose” the gay lifestyle?
A. This is a statement that I often hear from straight people—”It’s his choice to be gay. He doesn’t have to be if he doesn’t want to be. After all, he’s married (or has been married) and has children!”
When you think about this statement, you’ll realize how ridiculous it is. Why would anyone “choose” to be gay? Why would someone consciously choose to be part of a world that is frequently viewed by society as deviant or perverted? Why would anyone risk losing his family, home, job, and reputation if given a choice?
I surveyed 350 gay men and asked all of them the same question: “If you could take a pill tonight that would make you straight by morning, would you take it?” I received a resounding “yes” from 337 of those surveyed. Ten of them were not sure, and three said no. The overwhelming response came not out of shame, but out of a sense of reality. The world has not accepted homosexuality, and the gay lifestyle is not an easy one. How much simpler life would be for these men, if only they were straight.
A person does not “choose” his sexuality any more than he chooses his race or height. Once someone is gay, regardless of how we can dispute how he became gay (nature vs. nurture), that is his orientation. A person can suppress or repress his sexual preference for an indefinite period of time, but eventually, in most cases, learns to come to terms with his true self.
Q. Can my husband’s homosexuality be helped through some kind of therapy?
A. No! Some men spend years of their lives and waste thousands of dollars looking for a “cure” that does not exist. There are groups such as “Homosexuals Anonymous” and the ex-gay ministries that convince gay men that they can change if their belief in God is strong enough. “Aversion therapy” is a treatment that shows films to gay men that are meant to turn them away from their inborn orientation. These tactics may cause a temporary shift in sexual practices, but they by no means change the person’s homosexual desire.
The mind is a powerful tool, and a person can talk himself into another state of mind. However, somewhere down the line, a person’s natural orientation will surface.
There are people who insist that God, therapy, or other miracles are the solution. However, I question the quality of life of someone who has to live being something he is not. Is it fair to a person to have to change his personality or orientation just to conform to the rules or beliefs of society? How happy can that person be if he can’t be himself and has to be constantly on guard to hide his natural inclinations and feelings?
Gay men who suppress their sexuality to pass in the straight world often become mentally and/or physically abusive to their wives. They blame their wives, their closest and most convenient target, for forcing them to live a lie, even when the wife is clueless to her husband’s homosexuality. Obviously, this is no way for a marriage to exist.
Q. My husband claims that he has not acted on his homosexuality for two (five, ten, etc.) years. Is it possible that he is over it?
A. A man does not “get over” his homosexuality. He may be sincere and honest in his belief that he is no longer gay, but the fact remains that a person’s sexual orientation does not change.
In an effort to save their marriage, job position, respectability, and family acceptance, some men make a valiant effort to change and repress their sexual desires for an indefinite amount of time. Eventually, those feelings surface, and the problem must be faced again.
Often, gay men who are married will tell their wives, “It’s over, I got it out of my system,” or “I’ve outgrown those feelings,” or “I was just experimenting,” or “It was just a sexual impulse, but now it’s over and I’m ready to be a good husband.” Although these words may be sincerely meant when spoken, they are not realistic. The wife is so desperate to resolve the problem that she believes and accepts these explanations. Unfortunately, it is just a temporary reprieve. Within time, the pattern will recur, and the wife will be back where she started, with more years wasted on an impossible dream.
Q. My husband insists that if I had been a better (more attractive, more supportive, less demanding, etc.) wife, he would not have turned to someone of the same sex. Is this true?
A. Absolutely not. Your husband was gay long before both of you ever met. His conscious attraction for men may not have surfaced until after your marriage, but it was there, either suppressed or denied.
Due to the difficulty of accepting homosexuality within himself, the gay husband will often blame his wife for his sexual orientation. This practice of shifting blame is one of the ways wives of gay men become mentally beaten down and lose their self-esteem. What can be more psychologically damaging than thinking you are responsible for your husband’s turning to other men? This head game is usually quite successful because most women don’t understand homosexuality. They think that just because their husbands married them and that they had sex that produced children, they are straight.
All of a sudden, it “appears” as if the husband is losing his sexual desire for his wife, as his desire for men is increasing. What the wife doesn’t know is that her husband’s need for men was always greater than his need for her, and that his sexual desire for his wife was much more emotional than physical.
Ironically, if there is a common personality trait among wives of gay men, it is the fact that they are usually more supportive and understanding while being less demanding than other women. This is what attracts gay men to them—their belief that their wives’ accepting personalities will extend to their hidden homosexuality if the truth does get out.
Wives of gay men come in all different shapes, sizes, colors, and nationalities. The average woman who marries a gay man looks the same as the average woman who marries a straight man. Even if the wife looks like Miss America, she can never be attractive enough to change her husband’s proclivity. Women simply have the wrong “plumbing,” and that’s all there is to it!
Q. Why did my husband choose to tell me about his homosexuality at this particular point in our marriage?
A. There is no set time when a man decides to reveal this information to his wife. Some men come out within the first year of marriage, while other men wait until their 25th, 30th, or 40th wedding anniversary or even later. A husband’s decision to come out is usually based on at least one of the following factors:
1. He gets tired of living a lie and coping with the guilt.
2. He has met a man with whom he wants to have a relationship.
3. He is ready to leave the marriage and is strong enough to tell his wife the truth.
4. He has acted on his gay sexual needs and now is finally sure about his sexuality and doesn’t want to hide it.
5. He is going through mid-life crisis and changes.
6. He has experienced the death of a close loved one.
In most of the cases that I know, the husband comes out at his convenience, not at the wife’s, and this is usually at a time when he doesn’t care whether or not his wife will accept his being gay. In most cases, he has met someone and wants to start a relationship with him. Or he becomes mentally and emotionally strong enough to become part of the gay world.
There are women who have told me, “He shouldn’t have told me when he did—it wasn’t a good time.” Let’s be honest, could there ever be a good time to hear this news? Of course not. This news is devastating no matter when you hear it. The sooner you learn about your husband’s homosexuality, the better it is for you. Think of all of the women who never find out what is wrong in their marriage and go through life thinking there is something wrong with them. Statistics show that nearly 65% of gay married men will never tell the truths to their wives, letting them linger in self-doubt and unhappiness for years. It is better to find out too soon than too late, and no matter when you find out, it isn’t soon enough.
Q. I have been told that it was impossible for me not to know that my husband was gay before we were married, and that subconsciously, I must have wanted to marry a gay man. Is this possible?
A. I hear gay men use this reason as an excuse for why it was okay not to inform their wives, but I don’t believe this is true overall. In most instances, it is impossible to know ahead of time that a spouse is gay, especially if he is making every effort to hide it. Some women have told me that they were drawn to their husbands because they were nurturing, caring, and affectionate. They appreciated the fact that their spouse wasn’t looking to jump into sexual relations immediately like many men are. Other women had limited experiences with men, and even if they thought something was not quite right, they didn’t understand what it could be. Most straight women have very limited experiences with gay men. Why would they think that a gay man would want to or even be able to have a relationship with a straight woman? For the small number of women that I have spoken to who knew that their husbands were gay prior to marriage (approximately 5%), most believed that marriage would change their husband’s sexual orientation.
I have spoken to some women who are afraid to get involved in a relationship again because they are convinced that somehow, on a subconscious level, they will be attracted to another gay man. If this starts to become a pattern, it is certainly worth looking into through personal counseling. But most women will be cautious in their approach to dating and have a better idea of what to look for in a partner.
Q. My husband feels that since he can be honest with himself about his sexuality, he’d like to be honest with our children. I am not comfortable with this. How do I handle this?
A. This problem occurs in most families, and the answer is complex. The most important issue to focus on is the welfare of the child or children. Any decision that is made should be thought out with the best interests of the children in mind. Often, children are caught up in the battles of the parents’ morals and egos, and they come out the losers.
How your child reacts to this news will depend on several factors:
1. Age—If a child is too young to comprehend the concept of sexuality, it can be damaging to discuss this. If a child is nearing adolescence, it is advisable not to reveal this information. For teenagers, sexuality is such a sensitive issue that this piece of information can definitely confuse the teenager even more. It causes the child to start questioning his/her own sexuality and feel an added burden.
2. Location of residency—If you live in an area that is very conservative, church-oriented, or far away from a large metropolitan city, chances are that the community will not be too accepting of homosexuality in general. Local attitudes definitely influence the way a child thinks. In large cities where gay communities are more visible and people tend to be more accepting in their attitudes in general, there is a better chance for your child to feel more comfortable about this because chances are the gay father may feel more comfortable.
3. Relationship between father and child—If a father has a close, nurturing relationship with his child(ren), the news will be easier to accept, especially if the father plans to continue the family relationship in the same vein. If the father has been aloof, abusive, uncaring, uncommunicative, etc., his homosexuality is just one more disappointment.
4. Relationship between the parents:
(a) If living together—If both parties have come to terms with this situation and decided to deal with it as best as they can, fighting and hostilities should be at a minimum. But if either partner resents being in the marriage and conflicts are a common event, the child will blame homosexuality for the unrest in his/her home.
(b) If living apart—I always say that when children are involved, you are tied together for life, so it is preferable to be friends than enemies for the sake of the children. If both parents have an understanding of each other’s values and put the welfare of the child before personal desires, pleasures, or judgments, the child will have an easier time accepting the gay parent. If the straight mother condemns, downgrades, criticizes, ridicules or calls the father names, it will be difficult for the child to have positive feelings about the gay parent.
Much of this depends on the next issue:
5. How the gay father handles his sexuality—I do not feel there is any reason for a parent to behave in a way that makes his child uncomfortable. If a child cannot deal with the father’s homosexuality, then he/she should not be exposed to the father’s gay lover(s), organizations, or hangouts. Homosexuality may be a lifestyle, but it is one that does not have to be displayed publicly. Fathers who constantly shove their homosexuality at their children are not helping them accept the situation, but rather turning them off even more.
It is important for the child to be given the time he/she needs to adjust to this situation while at the same time, to receive positive reinforcement from both parents. If a child does not accept the situation, the father should not take the attitude of, “Well, the hell with him/her, it’s my life and I’ll do what I want. After all, he’s/she’s only a kid.” That attitude will hinder any chance for a positive father-child relationship. The father should send the child cards or letters that reassure his love and availability. When a child does start spending time with his father again, the father should do everything possible to make sure that it is quality father/child time—not father, child and lover or other friends. Be aware of the child’s needs. Remember, it took the father a long time to accept his own homosexuality; the child may also need a long period of time to deal with it.
Q. If my husband is gay, is there any greater chance that my child or children will be gay?
A. This is a difficult question to answer because there is not enough scientific information on this. Statistically, it is said that 10% of the general population is gay. From several limited studies that I have seen over the years, statistics state that the number of children born gay with one gay parent is between 10% and 18%. It is not unusual for children of gay parents to question their sexuality more frequently than other children. Whether or not this is cause for concern has not been scientifically researched enough to make any concrete conclusions. However, if you believe the theory as I do about homosexuality being genetic, it would only follow that the chances of having a gay child are definitely higher.
Q. In desperately trying to keep my marriage together, I have tried to be open minded by reading books about homosexuality, going to gay bars, and going to meetings with other couples in the same situation. After a year of trying to relate, I am less comfortable than ever and thinking of divorce. Do you think I need more time to adjust or that I am not open minded enough?
A. It is not uncommon for some women to do everything possible to try to understand their husbands’ homosexual world, including being part of it. During the first year that I started my support group, I spent a significant amount of time learning about the gay community. I felt it was unfair to talk about gay issues unless I understood what they were really about.
After a year of “relating,” I removed myself from the gay scene because I found myself getting depressed. I was constantly reminded of the horrors of my own marriage, and I kept reliving parts of my nightmare every time I went into a gay club or meeting. Although I did gain a valuable education about gay lifestyles, mentalities, and values, my advice to women who think that joining in on their husbands’ lifestyle may help their marriage is: don’t do it!
The more time you spend in this world that is not yours, the more confused, depressed, and demoralized you will become. There is nothing wrong with feeling uncomfortable about homosexuality—especially when it is part of your marriage! No matter how open and accepting we are of others and what they choose to do in their lives, the situation becomes quite different once it is forced onto us and into our lives. Homosexuality is a way of life that is acceptable to those who are homosexual, but not for those who are not. Your gay husband has no choice in his homosexuality, but you have even less to say about it.
Even women who find themselves accepting of gay people, and, in fact, have gay friends, are confused by their inability to cope with their husbands’ homosexuality. Don’t fall into this trap. Accepting a stranger’s homosexuality or even a friend’s does not have a direct effect on your life. Having a gay husband does. You are suddenly thrust into a world that most of us have grown up to believe is amoral, distorted, and taboo. You now visualize your partner for life wrapped in the arms of another man. Some women cannot picture what goes on past that point, but even this limited image is enough to bring on a feeling of heartbreak and revulsion.
Finding out that a spouse is unfaithful with a woman is difficult enough to deal with under ordinary circumstances. Finding out that your spouse is making love to a man is more than most women can cope with. It is ridiculous to think that there is something wrong with you because you are not comfortable with the gay world. Some husbands will try to make their wives feel guilty by telling them about other wives who are accepting of their husbands’ homosexuality, and who, in fact, even accompany their husbands to gay bars and outings. Be aware that this is the exception—not the norm. Some women will take desperate measures to save or hold their marriages or hold onto their husbands.
There are a small percentage of women who claim not to be bothered by their husband’s sexuality and even go so far as to state that they can deal with another man, but not another woman. Some gay fathers’ or gay husbands’ organizations will use these women as propaganda to convince other women that having a gay husband is no big deal. Don’t be misled. It is a very big deal, and a woman with a healthy thinking mind will not stay married to a gay man indefinitely.
Q. I have been divorced from my gay husband for two years and almost all aspects of my life have gotten back to normal except for one—sex. For some reason, I just can’t resume sexual relations. I freeze up as soon as I get close to someone. Is this unusual?
A. It is very common for women who have had gay husbands to have sexual hang-ups for short or long periods of time after the marriage. During the marriage, a wife is often faced with feelings of inadequacy because her husband does not want her. The sexual patterns of straight couples are considered “abnormal” by the gay spouse, and he often criticizes his wife’s sexual needs and desires. In time, this can have a damaging effect on the wife’s self-esteem in the bedroom. Some women are told they are responsible for their husbands’ turning to men. This leaves them with a strong sense of sexual inadequacy.
Even though you may be able to intellectually comprehend the situation of marrying a gay man and are dealing with it, emotionally it leaves its scars. One of those scars is usually in the area of sex. If you are having difficulty conquering this problem over a long period of time, it is best to seek counseling with someone who specializes in sexual problems.
Q. Should I be worried about AIDS?
A. Most definitely, as well as numerous other sexually transmitted diseases. It never ceases to amaze me that in this day and age of constant reminders and death tolls, men are still not responsible when it comes to having sex with male partners and then with their wives. Through the years, I have counseled dozens of women who contracted AIDS through their husbands and who eventually died a terrible, painful death. For a number of years in the 1980s when AIDS was an automatic death sentence, there seemed to be less risks taken by gay males. But over the last few years, with the discovery of various life-sustaining drugs, it appears that men are taking chances again because they are under the impression that they can continue to live with medication. I have gay friends who have revealed that they are less careful today than five or ten years ago. The truth is that AIDS is not a curable disease and people still die from it. If you have the slightest suspicion that your husband has engaged in homosexual activities, even if he staunchly denies it, be safe and take an HIV test. If there is any doubt in your mind about your husband’s sexual orientation, make sure that you use protection if you are continuing to have sexual relations with him. My saddest experiences as a counselor came about over the years were when women would call me to tell me that their husbands had AIDS, that they were dying from AIDS, and now their children were being left as orphans. Early detection of HIV can definitely prolong your life. Ignoring the possibility can result in your untimely death.
Nothing distresses me more than women who suspect their husbands are having gay relationships but continue to have unprotected sex with their husbands. When I question them why they are playing Russian roulette, they tell me it’s because they don’t want their husbands to feel that they can’t be trusted. It’s incredible that they are willing to prove their love in such a dangerous way. So many of my women have been diagnosed with herpes, syphilis, and pre-cancerous conditions from their gay husbands’ infidelity, and yet, unprotected sex goes on.
