Читать книгу In Winter's Grip - Brenda Chapman - Страница 7

ONE

Tonight, I dreamed I was back in Duved Cove, dreamed I was sitting on the concrete steps in front of our house on Strathcona Road, the smell of pine and damp earth in my nostrils. The darkness thickened around me like a curtain falling. When I looked back at our house, the lights were out, and the emptiness I felt was mirrored in the drawn blinds and blackened windows. The air was still and silent like it gets when the day tucks itself in for the night. Loneliness rose in my throat and held me in its ache.

In my dream, I reach down to strike a match on the stone walk at my feet and watch its flame flicker, orange over indigo, travelling down the stalk before I wave the match like I’m shaking out a rag. I snap another red match head across the same stone, holding it in front of my eyes and blowing out the wavering flame just as I feel its heat on my fingers. I peer through the darkness, past the place where I know the pines and birch trees stand at the edge of our property, and I wait for Billy Okwari to come. Wait for Billy like we’re sixteen again, knowing he’ll find me in the shadows where I sit every night after supper. Fearful my dad will find me first.

I woke then, with tears on my lashes and a yearning for Billy Okwari that I could almost taste. Forty years old, and I still wanted him. I rolled onto my side toward the window and drew my knees up, curling into myself. I felt movement next to me. Sam reached over and settled his warm hand on my hip. He pulled me closer and mumbled, “You’re dreaming again, Maj.”

I nodded into my pillow, biting my bottom lip, and listened to Sam’s breathing deepen into long, regular pulls. Already he’d slipped back into sleep. I envied him the simple ability to fall into it like a cat. I closed my eyes and thought again of my dream. It had been so real this time. Like the other times, I’d guiltily hold it to me for the rest of the day. I’d be careful to keep Sam from learning of the dream and the emotions rising in me like waves that he’d never been able to stir. I was thankful this dream had come tonight and not the nightmare that was its twin. A day of stirred feelings was preferable to one of trying to shake off fear.

I moved away from the heat of Sam’s body and slipped from under the duvet. The morning’s coolness caused me to shiver in my thin cotton nightgown. A car’s engine grew louder as it passed by on the street and then silence. The ashy light through the window cast enough illumination for me to make my way on bare feet to the stairs and down their length to the kitchen. Without turning on the light, I padded over to the window seat that looked out over the back garden and wrapped myself in the mohair throw lying at one end. I hoisted myself onto the corner of the seat and tucked my feet under the blanket, wrapping my arms around my legs and resting my cheek on one knee. My tangle of sleep-messed hair hung across my face like a veil. I pushed it aside and stared into the moonlit yard. Shapes of garden furniture and pots empty of flowers stood like sleeping fairies around the yard. Behind them, trees and shrubs held their dark limbs into the night sky.

Most times, when I dream of Billy, it comes out of nowhere. I won’t have thought of him for ages and then, without warning, a dream so vivid I can almost believe I’m a teenager again with nobody but Billy Okwari on my mind. Back in Duved Cove with my heart open and raw. Back when I believed in things, back before my mother’s death. Sometimes, it is too much. The restlessness will take me over for days afterwards until the dream’s power recedes and I can return to my safe, middle-aged life with Sam. But this dream was different. This time, it hadn’t come out of the depths of my subconscious. A phone call the day before from my younger brother in Duved Cove had shattered my forty-year-old peace.

I’d been at work when his call came, packing up my briefcase to go home. My last patient had mercifully cancelled, and I was thinking of the steak I would eat and the red wine I would drink in front of the six o’clock news. The phone had rung three times while I’d sorted papers and decided whether to ignore its unwelcome persistence. The work ethic had won out. I’d straightened as I picked up the receiver and lowered myself onto my chair beside the desk. “Yes? Dr. Cleary here.”

“Maja? Maj, it’s Jonas.” My brother’s voice, questioning and hesitant. I pictured him cupping the mouthpiece with his fingers, pacing the kitchen with his free hand wrapped in the coiled cord, twisting it into a tangle. His blue eyes would be focused on some distant point, and his blonde curls would be uncombed and lying every which way. It would have taken a lot for him to have made this call. My brother was riddled with self-doubt that kept him from spontaneous gestures.

“Of course it is,” I’d teased. “But you’ve never called me here before.” The implication hit me. I asked more sharply, “Is anything wrong? Are Gunnar and Claire okay?”

“It’s Dad.”

I closed my eyes. I’d known this call would come one day. I was not surprised at how empty Jonas’s words left me. I asked automatically, “Is he ill?”

“Yes...well, sort of. He fell off the ladder cleaning ice from the roof. Luckily, he was on his way down when he fell. Doctor Galloway thinks he may have had a heart attack.”

“That’s too bad.”

“Yeah, not the best. He’s in the hospital but not because he wants to be. Galloway is keeping him there to run some tests.”

Was I prepared for my father’s death? Even if I never spoke to him again, it would be painful not to have the option. I didn’t say anything, trying to settle all the feelings that rose to the surface with unexpected force.

“You still there, Maja?”

“Yes.” A catch in my throat made the word come out raspy.

“Will you come? It’s likely nothing serious—like, I doubt he’s kicking off any time soon, but you never know.” Jonas’s voice trailed off.

“I’m not sure that I can. It means rearranging a lot of patients and,” I took a breath, “it would just be hard.”

“I know, but I thought you might want to come...after all this time. It would be good to see you, anyhow.”

“I’ll think about it, Jonas.”

“Yeah.”

“How are you and Claire and Gunnar?” I asked, anxious not to lose this tenuous line to my brother.

“Claire’s teaching first grade this year. Gunnar’s in sixth grade.”

“That’s right. Gunnar’s twelve now, isn’t he? Seems like he was just born.” I was filling in space, all the time knowing I’d let these relationships slide. I should have known more about my brother’s life than I did.

“And you and Sam?”

“We’re fine. Fine. Sam is thinking of retiring next year.”

“Talk about time flying,” Jonas said. “It’s hard to think of him giving up his work.”

I picked up the stapler from my desk and squeezed until it hurt my hand. “I’ll try to come, Jonas. That’s all I can promise.”

“Might be good for you to see him. Dad’s got more interest in family these days. Hardly the father you remember.” Jonas laughed harshly. I was startled by the bitterness.

“I can’t imagine,” I said, and I really couldn’t. Memories of my father did not include meaningful family time. A flash of repressed childhood anger shot through me with unnerving strength. “I’m surprised he didn’t get you to clean the ice off his roof. Seems to me, Dad never liked to get his hands dirty.”

“I’d offered to do it on Saturday, but he said it couldn’t wait until the weekend.”

“When I want something done, I want it done as soon as I ask,” I growled, a weak imitation of my father’s deep voice.

“It does no good, Maja. Don’t even go there.”

Suddenly, I was a child again with my brother trying to keep me from fighting our battles. Battles with my father that we’d never been able to win. I wouldn’t let myself upset Jonas now. Besides, I’d given up the fighting spirit long ago. “How about I call you back tomorrow, Jonas?”

I could tell Jonas was relieved I wasn’t going to pursue Dad’s past trespasses, or maybe, he was just relieved the call was coming to an end. “Okay. I’ll be home late afternoon, or you can leave a message with Claire. Good talking to you, Maj.”

“Yeah. Good talking to you Jonas.”

I stood gripping the receiver, staring at Sam’s smiling face in the pewter frame on my desk. I picked it up. The picture had been taken on Sam’s fiftieth birthday in our back garden next to the juniper tree. He’d posed under the rose arbor, a profusion of pink blooms hanging above his right shoulder. He’d just finished telling me that he had to go on a trip to China for two weeks, and I’d been upset. We’d planned a long weekend at the seaside in Maine, and I’d been looking forward to getting away. Sam had picked a wise time to break the news; our friends would be arriving soon for his birthday dinner and it wouldn’t do for me to stay angry. In the photograph, Sam’s smiling at me like a guilty boy who’s trying to win me over with shamefaced charm. He was like Dad in that way. Both could turn on the likability factor at whim, no matter the emotions whirling about them.

I sighed and set the photo back in its place. There’d been no recourse for me then, and there was no recourse for me now. I continued to come second place to Sam’s import business. Like Jonas, I could not envision Sam retiring, even though he’d mentioned it twice in the last month. He might as well have said he’d be cutting off an arm.

I must have dozed, because when I opened my eyes, the room had lightened and there were violet shadows in the garden. I looked up and saw streaks of pinkish light lacing the grey sky. My neck felt tender, and I moved it slowly back and forth to work out the crick that had set in while I’d slept. With the mohair blanket held tightly over my shoulders, I went about making coffee. The morning ritual—drawing water from the tap, inserting a clean filter, grinding the beans and measuring out heaping teaspoons of coffee granules. Soon, the smell of strong Colombian brew filled the kitchen. I reached into the cupboard above the coffeepot and took my chipped, lemon-coloured mug and the oversized green mug that Sam favoured from the shelf. With two full cups, I ascended the stairs to our bedroom. Sam was just propping himself up against the headboard when I set the coffee cup next to him on the bedside table. He’d turned on the lamp, and the yellow light pooled around him.

“Did you have trouble sleeping?” he asked as he reached for the mug. He’d put on his glasses and peered at me from over the rims. His sharp blue eyes appeared to be sizing me up.

“I’ve had better nights.” I climbed in next to him, careful not to spill coffee onto the duvet. We sipped our coffee in silence. I looked out the window.

“Snow’s started. It should be a mucky morning getting to work.”

Sam looked toward the window, where flakes were swirling against the pane as if they were inside a snow globe. “Isn’t this your early morning?”

I nodded. “I’ll have to finish my coffee and get moving. I have a couple of new assessments and then a facelift at two. I tried to talk her out of it, but she was determined.”

“How old?”

“Thirty-five. She’s a CBC reporter and thinks she has to look young to get the good stories. If I told you who I was talking about, you’d be shocked. She looks fine just as she is.”

“Well, their vanity pays your salary. And pays it handsomely.” Sam reached over and patted my knee through the blanket. He was only too aware of my internal struggle but always made light of it. He wasn’t aware how my dissatisfaction with my work had intensified over the last year. Plastic surgeon to the rich was something I’d never wanted to become. I still wasn’t sure how I’d allowed it to happen.

“What do you have on your plate today?” I asked.

“A full day of meetings. I may have to fly to New York tonight. I meant to tell you earlier, but it’s a last-minute deal. I actually thought I was going to get out of it, but Lana tells me George is insisting.”

“Why doesn’t George go? You’re partners, after all, but you seem to be collecting all the air miles.” I tried to keep my voice even, but my words were accusation enough.

“George prefers to work behind the scenes. You know that.” Sam said, annoyance making his mouth form a hard, tight line. “Why do we have to keep having this discussion?”

I didn’t answer. It wasn’t as if I had a chance of winning any argument with Sam. He never ended one unless he felt he’d won. Instead, I took a long drink of coffee and got back out of bed. “Time for a shower,” I said, my voice lighter than I felt. I crossed the floor to our ensuite, conscious that I’d put on a few pounds, which Sam would be sure to notice if I undressed in front of him. I’d have to go to the gym to work it off. Unfortunately, it was true what they said about the forties signalling a slowdown in one’s metabolism. I could be the poster child.

I adjusted the taps until the water was hot in my palm, straightened and stepped out of my nightgown. The first blast of water on my scalp and against my back sent a shiver up my spine. I began humming as I reached for the soap. I let myself luxuriate in the heat on my body and the soft lather on my skin. I tried to relax my mind as well but it wasn’t long before I thought of my father.

I hadn’t told Sam about the phone call from Jonas the evening before, probably because sometime between leaving for home and my first glass of wine, I’d decided not to make the trip to Minnesota. If I was completely honest with myself, I’d admit that I’d never stepped onto the side of going. I would call Jonas after lunch and leave a message with Claire. Dad was going to recover anyway, and I had so much work lined up that a trip now was out of the question. I’d seriously think about going to Duved Cove in the summer for a few days.

I let the idea roll around in my mind, pretending I was giving it proper consideration. It had been six years, the week of Gunnar’s sixth birthday, since I’d last visited, so a few more months wouldn’t make any difference. My father had come for dinner at Jonas’s during those visits, but I’d not been interested in seeing him alone. I sighed. It was a good trait, being able to convince myself of something even when I knew deep down that I might never return to Duved Cove again. My hometown held too many memories that had never lost their power to cut like shards of glass into my skin.

Shower finished, I turned off the water and stepped onto the carpet. I grabbed a towel from the hook behind the door and bent over to rub the water from my hair. I straightened and wiped steam from the mirror. My face was blurry in the glass.

“You are a coward, Maja Cleary,” I said to my reflection. “And there’s just no way of getting around it.”