Читать книгу This Heart of Mine - Brenda Novak - Страница 10

2

Jacob sat in silence as they pulled out of the parking lot. They had a job today, a remodel of one of the older Victorians in town, and needed to go to the lumber store, about ten miles away. On Saturdays, Riley hired his son to help out so Jacob could learn the trade, in case he cared to become a partner in the business when he was older or wanted to get his own contractor’s license. They had a lot to do, and they were getting a late start because they’d met Phoenix for breakfast, but right now it was difficult to concentrate on anything other than the past hour. Riley was so torn about what he’d seen and heard, he knew Jacob had to be really confused.

“You okay?” he asked as they rolled to a stop at the traffic light in the center of town.

Jacob gave him a morose shrug.

“Could you use your voice?” Riley asked.

“I feel...weird,” Jacob replied.

He looked sullen and unhappy. “Weird in what way?” Riley could guess, since he was so conflicted himself, but he felt it was important to get his son to talk to him about Phoenix. It hadn’t been easy to become a father at eighteen. Other than the help he’d received early on from his parents while he was commuting to college three days a week, he’d raised Jacob alone.

But Riley had a feeling that he was facing a much more formidable challenge now. He didn’t want Phoenix back in his life or his son’s, didn’t want to cope with all the old questions and doubts.

“I met my mother for the first time a few minutes ago, and I can’t decide how I should feel about her.”

Because he had no frame of reference. Riley hadn’t even given Jacob the many letters she’d sent, other than a handful of the less emotional ones. In his mind, he’d been protecting his son, hoping she’d move on and just leave them alone when she was eventually released. But if she was innocent, maybe standing between her and Jake had only hurt them both.

If so, that was a lot to feel responsible for.

“It’ll take a while to adjust,” he told Jacob.

“How would you feel if you were me?” his son asked. “Do you think she killed Lori Mansfield?”

The light turned green and Riley gave the truck some gas. Jacob had asked this question several times over the years, but Riley had always been able to say he wasn’t sure and leave it at that. Phoenix hadn’t ever been present in Jacob’s life, so Jacob hadn’t pushed the issue. But with her back home, he needed a more definitive answer.

“She wasn’t herself when all of that happened,” Riley said.

Jacob leaned forward to look into his face. “What does that mean? Are you saying yes or no?”

Riley had no idea whether she’d killed Lori. He only knew that everyone else insisted she must have, and the scenario created at her trial seemed logical. Lori was the girl he’d started dating right after Phoenix, and Phoenix had acted terribly jealous. “I’m saying she became a little...intense after I broke up with her.”

He’d often relied on her erratic behavior during that time as a reason to withhold another one of her letters.

“She could have done it.”

“Yes.”

The expression on his son’s face made it clear he didn’t like that answer. “But ‘could have’ isn’t proof!”

“There were witnesses, Jake.”

“Who saw her behind the wheel! She admits she was driving.”

“Penny Sawyer was a witness.”

“The friend she told us about? Penny, the one who might’ve grabbed the wheel?”

“Penny had no motive.”

His scowl deepened. “How come I don’t know any Penny Sawyer?”

“She moved away after the trial.”

“Why?”

“Because she’d graduated from high school, so she left for college like almost everyone else.”

“You didn’t leave for college.”

“I went to UC Davis three days a week because it’s only an hour away, and I had you. I wanted to be able to come home at night and take care of you. My situation was different, not hers.”

Jacob didn’t respond right away, but he didn’t sound any more convinced when he did. “Has she ever returned?”

“Not to my knowledge.”

“That’s unusual, isn’t it?”

“Not if her family relocated during those four years, which they did. She had no reason to come back here.”

“She could’ve lied about what happened.”

“Or Phoenix is lying. Like I said, she wasn’t in the best frame of mind when Lori was killed.”

“So her frame of mind clinches the deal? Makes her guilty? Or did my mom go to prison just because she was heartbroken and jealous? She was pregnant at eighteen, with no one to turn to except a weird mother she was embarrassed by—a mother who couldn’t really do anything to help, anyway. From what I’ve seen of that grandma, you were the most normal thing Mom ever had in her life. Of course she’d try to grab on to you. She probably felt like she was drowning. And you were the one who got her pregnant.”

The fact that she’d been a virgin until he came along still made Riley feel ashamed of breaking up with her the way he had. But he hadn’t known she was pregnant when he told her he didn’t want to see her anymore. He’d only been acting on the advice—the insistence—of his parents. They’d been so positive that he was about to ruin his life by getting involved with a girl who wasn’t worthy of him they’d threatened not to pay for college if he didn’t listen.

“I wasn’t there that day,” Riley reiterated. “I can’t say what happened.”

“You must believe something deep inside.”

Riley wished his heart told him she was guilty. Then everything would be simple; he could condemn her without reservation. But...damn all the doubts. He’d always wrestled with them, as well as the question of how much involvement he should allow her to have in Jacob’s life. He’d been trying to act in the best interests of his son. His parents agreed with keeping her as far away from Jacob as possible. In the beginning, they were the ones who’d suggested it.

But had he done the right thing?

“I don’t know what to believe,” he admitted. “I hope she didn’t serve seventeen years for a crime she didn’t commit.”

“You’d rather believe she’s a murderer?” Jacob broke in, pushing him to commit himself one way or the other.

Riley gripped the steering wheel tighter. “No, of course not. There are no for-sure answers in this, that’s all. Trust me, if there were, I would’ve found them. I’ve nearly driven myself crazy with all the wondering and the second-guessing.”

“You helped put her away.”

He shot his son a glance that let him know he didn’t appreciate being reminded of that. He’d only spoken the truth when he testified about her incessant phone calls and her attempts to get back with him. But the last thing he wanted to believe was that she might have been wrongly punished and he’d had a hand in making that happen. “The DA put me on the stand. It wasn’t my choice.” He’d cared enough about her to want to stay out of the whole mess.

Jacob knocked his head against the passenger window. “God, I hate this! I’m tired of thinking about it, tired of everyone watching to see what I’m going to do now. Part of me wants to go on with my life and pretend she doesn’t exist. We’ve made it this far without her, right? But...if she’s not evil, I don’t see why I can’t have a mother.”

Riley sighed. He’d screwed up so badly when he’d gotten involved with Phoenix.

Or...maybe not. He loved Jacob too much to regret those six weeks. And it was hard to regret them for a different reason—he’d never had another girlfriend with whom he’d felt such an immediate and solid connection. He’d dated plenty of women who were more “suitable,” especially since then. But he had yet to find someone who was as engaging as Phoenix had been.

“I liked her,” Jacob said without being prompted, his voice sulky. He obviously hadn’t expected softening his heart to be such a temptation. Maybe he even resented it.

“I can see why. She was very nice at breakfast.”

“That’s not how she usually is?”

Riley turned down the radio. “It’s been seventeen years, bud. I can’t say how she usually is.” Prison might have twisted her if she wasn’t already as twisted as everyone thought.

Jacob twirled the leather bracelet she’d given him around his wrist as he tried to puzzle out how he was going to react now that his mother was back. “She tried to make this morning easy for me. Did you notice?”

“I did.”

“That was cool, after everything she’s been through. Don’t you think? She didn’t try to make us feel sorry for her or like we had to do anything we didn’t want to...”

“I agree. I thought that was...admirable.” Riley didn’t want to reverse his opinion or his policies on the basis of one meeting, but he’d been impressed with Phoenix—really impressed. She obviously took care of herself physically. She’d looked...not beautiful but attractive. And she’d said all the right things, done all the right things. She’d even paid for their meal, despite the fact that she had so little. Seeing her pick up the check, Riley wished he’d made arrangements with the waitress beforehand so he wouldn’t have to feel as if he’d taken her last dollar.

But did her behavior in this one instance mean he should foster a relationship between her and Jacob? Would that be good for his son or the worst decision Riley had ever made?

“What was she like in high school?” Jacob asked.

In an attempt to relax, Riley slung one arm over the wheel. “She was different from the other girls. Aloof. One of those people who watches the world and everyone around them with a certain amount of skepticism and distrust.” They’d been over this before. But, apparently, Jacob needed to hear it again.

“She wasn’t part of your crowd.”

“No.”

“Was she popular?”

“Not at all.”

“But you were popular. So why’d you go out with her?”

“I’ve told you. At first I saw only what everyone else saw. But one of our teachers asked me to tutor her in math, and after I started getting to know her, I learned that different isn’t necessarily bad. She was more interesting than the other kids. She wasn’t that great in math, but she was smart in other ways.”

“Did you think she was pretty?”

He pictured her as she used to be, in her dark clothes and big army boots, the black fingernail polish, the eyeliner and bloodred lipstick. “Not really.” She looked a lot better now, but he didn’t add that.

“Why not? What was wrong with her?”

“Nothing. She just refused to conform, wasn’t fixed up like the other girls were. She always wore baggy, secondhand clothes. Didn’t come to many school functions. Ate alone.”

“But...”

The tone of his voice must have suggested that he wasn’t revealing everything, and Jacob was once again pressing for more. “She didn’t have a lot to begin with, as you’ve pointed out,” Riley went on. And somehow she’d made it work, managed to create her own style. He’d come to admire that—and more—while they were together. He’d considered her someone who dared to go against the norm and disregard the dictates of the “in” crowd.

At least, that was what he’d thought of her until everything went so horribly wrong. Then it was easier to believe, like everyone else, that she didn’t have the conscience of a normal person.

“I think she’s pretty,” Jacob said.

“She’s okay,” Riley muttered, but these days she was much better than “okay.” Despite two or three scars, which didn’t detract from her appearance, there was a sophistication to her face that hadn’t been there before. And her eyes... They were more guarded than ever, but a measure of strength, maturity and determination shone through that set her apart. So he wasn’t fooled. Although she’d been very respectful this morning, almost deferential, there was still some fight left in her. All he had to do to find out how much was deny her the chance to be part of her son’s life. That was another reason he felt so torn. She wouldn’t be easy to dissuade where Jacob was concerned. He’d tried—to no avail.

“And I like the bracelet she gave me,” Jacob said.

“I can tell.” Riley pulled into the parking lot of Meek’s Lumber. “Are you going to invite her to one of your games?”

“Why not? Anyone can go to the school.” He hesitated with his hand on the door latch. “You’ll let me, right?”

As much as he wanted to refuse, if only to keep their lives simple and moving forward on the same track, Riley didn’t see how he could continue to enforce his will. “If having her there is what you want.”

“I can’t see how it’ll hurt anything,” he said.

Riley hoped that was the case.

* * *

Phoenix spent the first half of the walk home in a daze, reliving every minute of breakfast and thinking about Jacob—what it’d been like to meet him, to speak with him, to see him put on the bracelet she’d made. But after a couple of miles, she could no longer ignore the blisters that were forming on her feet. It was so hot today; every part of her body felt sticky.

She wiped the sweat from her forehead with one arm and considered removing her sandals. She would have, except there were too many briar-like plants and sharp rocks along the side of the road. And she couldn’t walk on the pavement without getting burned.

“Not much farther,” she told herself, but that was hardly encouraging when she had another three miles.

Why hadn’t she been more practical with the pittance the state had given her on her release? She could’ve bought some cheap running shoes. She’d tried on a pair. But she’d had her first encounter with Jacob in mind when she chose these sandals. She’d wanted to look her best.

She wondered if she’d hear from him on Facebook...

At the sound of a vehicle approaching from behind, she stepped off to one side, kept her face averted and waited for whoever it was to pass by. She didn’t want anyone to see how badly she was limping. She felt too many people in Whiskey Creek would take pleasure in her distress.

And what if it was one of Lori Mansfield’s parents or another member of her family?

They might try to take revenge. They’d certainly sent her enough ugly letters once they found out she was going to be released, warning her not to return to Whiskey Creek, threatening her if she did.

She tensed as the vehicle drew closer. It didn’t whiz by with a blast of hot air, as she expected. It slowed and came to a stop a few feet ahead of her. Then the driver—a dark-haired man from what she could see through the back window—leaned over and opened the passenger door. “Would you like a lift?” he called out.

Because she had no idea who this person was or what he might do to her, she almost waved him off. But this was Whiskey Creek; there wasn’t any violent crime here to speak of. As long as he wasn’t connected to the Mansfields, she should be okay. Not everyone in Whiskey Creek these days had been around when she lived here before. This could be a complete stranger, his offer the simple kindness it appeared to be.

Grateful that she wouldn’t have to continue the painful journey on foot, she hobbled to the truck. “Thank you. It’s so hot out today. And these darn sandals...”

As soon as she recognized him, she choked back the rest of her words. He wasn’t connected to Lori Mansfield—thank God. But he was connected to Riley. This was Kyle Houseman, one of the many friends who’d hung out with Riley all through school.

Phoenix didn’t want Riley to find out that Kyle had discovered her in such a pathetic state, so she backed away. “Actually, never mind. I just realized there’s no way we could be going to the same place. But thanks!”

She slammed the door, praying that would be the end of it. But he didn’t drive off. He reached over and opened the door again.

“You might not be aware of it yet, but you’re getting sunburned,” he said. “And it looks like we’re traveling in the same direction at least. I don’t mind going a little out of my way.”

If he knew who she was, he didn’t let on. But he would figure it out if she had him drop her anywhere close to her mother’s property. And getting close to her mother’s property was the whole point of accepting a ride. “I’m fine. Really. It’s not much farther.”

His eyes narrowed as recognition dawned. “Wait a second...you’re Phoenix.”

“Yes. Another reason you should go on your way.” After closing the door, she forced herself to walk without favoring either foot. But he lowered the window and rolled along beside her.

“I know where you live. Let me give you a ride.”

“I can walk a couple of miles,” she said.

“You seemed to be struggling when I came up behind you.”

He’d noticed? From so far away? “These sandals are new, that’s all. I’ll break them in.”

“So you don’t need a ride.”

“No, thank you.”

“Come on!” he argued. “I can’t leave a woman limping on the side of the road.”

“According to most folks around here, I’m not a regular woman.”

“What does that mean?”

“I’m a murderer, remember? Surely, you can leave me.” Instantly regretting the harshness of those words, she glanced over and attempted a smile. “I didn’t mean to be rude. I just...I’d rather not trouble you.”

“But it’s no trouble!”

Refusing was making a bigger issue out of this than simply giving in. Besides, she couldn’t tolerate the pain of marching beside him anymore.

When she stopped, so did he. “Fine. I guess I will take that ride,” she said, and climbed in.

As she put on her seat belt, he studied her with avid curiosity, and she supposed that was the price of his help. She was a freak in this town—the one person more reprehensible than all the rest.

“I’m sure you’ve got a camera on your cell phone,” she said. “Go ahead and take a picture.”

“I’m sorry.” He sounded a little abashed. “It’s hard not to stare. You look...different.”

So did he. Like Riley, he’d filled out, not that she cared. Anything that had to do with Riley—except Jacob, of course—was off-limits. She couldn’t even be friends with this man. “I’m nearly seventeen years older. Of course I look different.”

“What I mean is you look good,” he clarified. “You’ve aged better than the rest of us.”

He must not have noticed her scars. “I’m sure that’s not true.”

He leaned over to examine her feet. “You’re bleeding.”

Embarrassed, she raised the foot that hurt the most so it couldn’t touch anything, but he was increasing his speed, so he obviously didn’t expect her to jump out. “You’re the one who made me get in.”

“This is a work truck, nothing fancy, so don’t worry about that. But you might want to grab a napkin from the glove box.”

She did. Trying not to show how badly it stung, she patted one of those napkins against the blister that had burst.

“How long have you been home?” he asked as he drove.

“If you’re still friends with Riley, you know the answer to that question,” she replied.

He grinned as if she’d caught him. “Right. I admit he’s mentioned it. You got back...what? Two, three days ago?”

She kept her eyes on her foot. Kyle was nearly as handsome as Riley, but she didn’t want to acknowledge that. “Look, I’m not sure why you’re helping me. But if it’s because you want the chance to warn me not to cause your buddy any trouble, I assure you I won’t. I’m not going to cause anyone any trouble, least of all Riley or Lori’s family. I plan to keep to myself, mind my own business and...and see if I can’t get to know my son before he’s an adult and off to college.” She almost added, That’s not too much to ask, is it? But she understood that for many people here, it was too much to ask. They didn’t think she deserved anything—even to breathe the same air.

“You don’t have to be defensive with me,” he said. “I have no hidden agenda. I’m curious about you. Everyone is. But I don’t wish you any harm. And I’m pretty sure Riley can fend you off, if necessary.”

She folded her arms, wrapping them tightly around herself as she watched the scenery fly past her window. “He won’t have to fend me off.”

They’d almost reached the entrance to her mother’s property when Kyle said, “It was nice of you to send money to Jacob. I don’t think many people in your situation would’ve bothered.”

Riley had told him about her child support, too? He and Kyle must be as close as ever, she decided, but said nothing.

“The amounts you sent had to have been a sacrifice,” he added. “It’s tough to earn much inside.”

“I did my best.” God, wasn’t that the truth. She’d worked long, hard hours in the laundry, made bracelets on the side, thanks to the craft class that had inspired her business, and gone without everything she possibly could to provide that pittance for Jacob. “I wanted to do my part.”

“What did you say?”

Apparently, she’d spoken too softly. “I was happy to do it,” she said in a louder voice.

He pulled through the gate, which was sagging so much it couldn’t be closed, and her mother’s dogs, the three that weren’t inside Lizzie’s trailer, went wild.

She opened the door, which drew them, barking and jumping, to her side. The dilapidated condition of both trailers, not to mention the state of the yard, made her even more self-conscious about her situation here at home. She didn’t want Kyle to take note of all the junk, but she didn’t get out immediately in spite of that. He’d been surprisingly nice and, since she was prepared to meet hostility around every corner, she felt she hadn’t responded as politely as she should have. “Thank you for the ride. I apologize if I seemed...reluctant or ungrateful at first.”

With that, she managed to hop to the ground despite her blisters. Then she stood on one foot to watch him leave—it hurt too much to use the other—and was puzzled when, after he put the transmission in Reverse, he didn’t leave.

“If you ever need a ride, especially before your feet have healed, call me,” he said, and wrote his number on a scrap of paper, which he handed her.