Читать книгу This Heart of Mine - Brenda Novak - Страница 13

5

“What’s wrong with you?” her mother snapped.

Phoenix set the frying pan to one side and turned in surprise. It wasn’t easy to cook in Lizzie’s trailer. Hemmed in by stacks of packaged goods—trash her mother, for some strange reason, found valuable—plants, a bevy of dog bowls and giant bags of dog kibble and an overlarge hamster cage that took up most of the table, she had barely enough room to move on the sticky linoleum. Maybe that was why her mother never bothered with real food—she could no longer fit in her own kitchen. “What do you mean?”

“You’re smiling and humming and acting all...happy. What have you got to be happy about?” Lizzie absently petted one of her five dogs, this one a poodle, as she narrowed her eyes. “Did you have a man over last night? Was that the fuss that woke me?”

Phoenix felt her face flush. “No, I didn’t have a man over.”

Lizzie studied her more closely. “Then why are you blushing?”

“Because you’re embarrassing me!” For the past seventeen years, she’d rarely allowed herself to even think about sex. She hadn’t wanted to miss physical intimacy as much as the other women seemed to; that was all some of them talked about. She also hadn’t wanted to get involved in the kind of romantic relationships that sometimes sprang up between them as a replacement. “I’d rather not talk about my sex life—especially with you,” she added as she dished up the scrambled eggs she’d made for breakfast.

“What is it, then?” her mother pressed. “What’s put you in such a good mood?”

“Nothing! It’s a beautiful Sunday, that’s all. And I have plans to go into town.” She was going to use the internet to create her Facebook page so Jacob could message her. She was looking forward to making contact with him again without having to go through Riley.

“Yesterday was a beautiful day, too,” her mother said with a saucy lilt, as if there had to be more to it.

And there was. Her lift in spirits had nothing to do with the weather and everything to do with the fact that at least one member of the Whiskey Creek community didn’t have hard feelings toward her—that and how feminine she felt in her new clothes. Who would’ve thought a lacy bra and a pair of matching panties could make a woman feel so...attractive?

She was beginning to think that maybe it wouldn’t spell doom to have a man’s hands on her body—as long as she waited until after Jacob went to college. At that point, she could probably start dating and, possibly, get serious.

“You’re not a lesbian, are you?” her mother asked.

Phoenix slammed the drawer after getting them each a fork. “Stop. No.”

“Did those women in that prison ever try to touch you?” Lizzie accepted her plate grudgingly, but Phoenix guessed that, deep down, she enjoyed the care she was receiving. At any rate, Phoenix hoped she did. It wasn’t readily apparent, wasn’t as if her mother ever said anything to show her appreciation.

“Did they?”

“No,” Phoenix insisted, but that wasn’t strictly true. Although no one had gotten very far, in the beginning she’d had to fight to keep herself from being used—and that had earned her some dangerous enemies, which hadn’t made the time she’d served any easier.

“So you still like men.”

Phoenix refused to meet her eyes. She was afraid her mother was saying, So you still like Riley, and she wasn’t going anywhere close to that question. She didn’t like Riley, not in that way. Anyone would think he was handsome, because he was. “Right now I’m only interested in Jacob, okay? I’ll worry about everything else in a couple of years.”

“You’re what...thirty-five?” Her mother spoke around the bite she’d just taken. “That’s getting up there, but you could have more children if you don’t wait too long.”

The toast popped up. Grateful for the distraction, Phoenix turned to butter it. “I’d better figure out how to support myself first.”

“You look like you’re doin’ fine to me, all dolled up in those tight jeans. They must’ve cost a pretty penny.”

She’d been thinking she’d help support her mother if she could. Lizzie had trouble getting by on her disability check. But that comment made her wonder why she’d even consider it. “They were a gift.”

“From who?”

Phoenix hadn’t been planning to tell her mother about last night. But if she did, maybe Lizzie would quit reminding her how much everyone hated her. It was difficult to hear, even though, for all intents and purposes, it was true. “Kyle Houseman.”

Her mother’s fork clanged on her plate. “Why would Kyle Houseman give you anything?”

“To be nice,” she said with a shrug.

“Don’t you believe it!” she scoffed. “He’s Riley’s friend.”

Already, she regretted revealing her secret. “I’m aware of that.”

“Then why would you accept anything from him? If you get involved with Kyle, you can kiss your chances of a relationship with Jacob goodbye. Riley won’t put up with you messin’ around with his friends.”

“I’m not going to be ‘messing around.’ Kyle’s not coming on to me, Mom.”

Her mother gave her a “stop lying to yourself” look. “Then what is he doing?”

“Trying to be generous, I guess.” She wasn’t really sure. He just didn’t seem as judgmental as everyone else. Or maybe he wasn’t as close to Lori’s family.

“No one’s that generous to an ex-con,” her mother said. “He expects a return on his money, or he wouldn’t have spent it.”

“That’s so jaded!”

“I’d rather be jaded than a fool who learns the hard way.”

Phoenix could no longer taste her eggs, but she shoveled them down, anyway. “He’s a friend,” she muttered. “And I could use a friend right now.”

Her mother hooted, making Phoenix feel like the biggest idiot in the world. “He’s the kind of friend who’d like to get inside your pants and then drop you on your ass the same way Riley did. Boys like Riley and Kyle don’t date girls like you, Phoenix. It’s time you faced up to that. It’ll save you a lot of heartache later.”

Her mother just had to be crass. “I don’t even want them,” she said, and left her plate in the sink instead of cleaning up because she couldn’t bear to remain in Lizzie’s presence.

* * *

It was a lazy Sunday morning, the kind of perfect spring day when people breezed in and out of Black Gold Coffee in twos, threes or fours, talking and laughing. The laid-back feel of the place, as well as the trendy atmosphere with its wooden floors and chalkboard menu, helped take the edge off the residual anger Phoenix felt after that encounter with her mother. Lizzie had issues. Phoenix tried hard not to let them affect her. Still, there were times when Lizzie’s negativity washed over her like a tidal wave, threatening to drown her. She had so much difficulty dealing with her mother. Even when she was young it had been tough. At least prison had taken her out of that situation, not that she ever wanted to go back to living behind bars.

Now she was getting a short break from Lizzie and using the internet, as she’d wanted, but she couldn’t completely relax. Whenever she was in public she worried about running into a member of Lori’s family. She felt certain the Mansfields would cause a scene. So far, she’d been lucky. She hadn’t bumped into them—or Riley’s parents, who’d come out in such strong opposition to her seventeen years ago.

Coop, a friend she’d met in prison, would call a reprieve like that “a tender mercy,” and Phoenix was inclined to agree. Coop spotted tender mercies everywhere. Although she readily admitted to shooting her father when she caught him molesting her two-year-old daughter, and had three years left on her sentence, she managed to retain her optimism and keep fighting. It was her encouragement that’d helped Phoenix through her darkest times. You’re young and you’re beautiful and you’ll get out of here someday, she used to say. Then you can do anything you want with your life, and don’t let anyone tell you different.

For a second, it was almost as if she could hear Coop’s voice. That brought on a moment of nostalgia, made her miss Coop and a few of her other friends.

She decided to write them. She’d promised she would. But first she had to set up a Facebook account, she told herself, and focused more intently on the screen.

She wasn’t particularly good with a computer. She had barely enough knowledge and experience to be able to post her bracelets on Etsy and eBay, to manage her PayPal account and to respond to the people who contacted her, but millions of others had gotten on to the social networking giant, and she was sure she could figure it out, too.

The only problem was the bell that jingled over the door whenever anyone walked in or out. It was distracting. That noise signaled a change in her environment, alerted her to something new and potentially dangerous, and that made her tense—until she saw another individual or small group she didn’t recognize.

Fortunately, she had her coffee, so she could sit in the corner and try to go unnoticed behind her computer screen.

She was reading Facebook’s instructions when the bell went off yet again. She leaned to one side to see who it was—and did a double take. The last person she’d expected to come walking through that door was Jacob. He strolled in with a friend, both of them wearing beanies and looking so cute she couldn’t help feeling a sense of pride. That was her boy and he was big and handsome and smart. He seemed like a really nice person, too.

But she didn’t want to put him on the spot. She was afraid that singling him out might embarrass him. So she kept working as if she hadn’t noticed him. She thought he and his friend would grab their lattes or whatever they were getting and head out without glancing in her direction. But Jacob spotted her while they were waiting for their order and surprised her by saying, “Hey! It’s my mom.”

He’d spoken loudly enough that it would seem strange if she didn’t look up. So she met his gaze and smiled. She was just trying to decide if she should walk over, or if he’d rather she just waved. But she didn’t have to make that choice; he brought his friend to her.

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

She turned her computer so he could see it. “Trying to navigate Facebook for the first time.”

“Piece of cake,” he said. “Let me help you.”

He pulled a chair from another table and slouched into it while Phoenix nodded politely to the boy who was with him.

“I’m Tristan,” his friend said.

“Tristan’s on the baseball team with me,” Jake explained.

She extended her hand. “Nice to meet you.”

“It’s cool to meet you, too.” He gave her a bashful smile. “Jake told me you were pretty, but...I didn’t think you’d be this pretty.”

“Dude, are you hitting on my mom? Sit down!” Jake said with a shocked laugh.

Phoenix was slightly embarrassed but flattered at the same time. It was good to know Jacob was proud of her, at least in one respect. And she was even more grateful to Kyle, if indeed it was Kyle, for providing the jeans and blouse she was wearing. Otherwise, she’d be in the same clothes she’d worn on Saturday.

“One iced coffee, one mocha,” the barista called out, and Jake asked his friend to get their drinks.

“See? You click on this,” he told her, shifting so they could both view the screen. “Then you choose a username and put your personal information in here.”

“My real name is different enough that I’ll stick with that.”

“Okay.” He typed it for her.

“Do you set up the page the same way if it’s for a business?” she asked.

“You want one for a business, too?”

She saw that he was wearing the bracelet she’d given him. “Yeah. I have a little something going and thought a Facebook page might help.”

“I’m pretty sure it would be the same.”

Tristan returned with their coffees, but instead of getting up and heading out, Jacob continued to prompt her through the Facebook process while Tristan looked on.

A few minutes later, her personal page went live.

“We did it!” she exclaimed.

“I’ll friend you when I get home,” Jacob said.

“So will I,” Tristan piped up.

Jacob cocked an eyebrow at him. “Dude, you’re not friending my mother.”

Tristan went beet red. “Why not?” he muttered, but Jake’s attention had already shifted back to her Facebook page.

“What are you going to use as your profile pic?” he asked.

“Just a photo of some scenery I can grab off the web, I guess. I don’t have a camera.”

“That’s a problem I can fix.” He stood up and pulled out his smartphone. “Smile.”

The optimism and happiness she’d felt this morning, before her mother had quashed it, swelled inside Phoenix again. She grinned up at him, and he snapped a picture before returning to his seat.

“How’d it turn out?” she asked.

He leaned over so they could both look at it, and she breathed deep, taking in the scent of her child and wanting so badly to put her arms around him—to feel him against her just one time, since she’d never been able to hold him when he was a baby.

“It’s good,” he said, oblivious to all the chaotic thoughts and motherly desires he was rousing in her.

“That should work,” she said, and he emailed it to her so she could load it.

“Does your father work today?” she asked as they waited for the photograph to hit her in-box.

“No. He takes Sundays off, which means I’m off, too.” He rocked back and stretched out his legs. “Hallelujah!”

“You don’t like working with him?”

He shrugged. “I don’t think it’s too much fun when all my friends are out messing around. But...I like being able to do what I can do. Nobody else my age can install a water heater or frame a house or put on a roof. And giving up my Saturdays is how I saved enough to buy some wheels.” He motioned to the window, and she glanced out to see a white Jeep. It wasn’t brand-new; it had some miles on it. But he was proud, and she admired Riley for making him earn the money.

She could only imagine what the girls thought of her son and was so glad his high school experience seemed to be better than her own had been. “That’s a nice Jeep,” she said.

“Would you like me to give you a ride?” he asked.

Even at this late date, he seemed open to getting to know her. She wasn’t going to miss this opportunity. “Sure.” She closed her laptop, slid it into the backpack she’d found at her mom’s and appropriated for her own use and stood as he took out his keys.

“It’s a sweet ride,” Tristan said.

She followed them out. “Your father won’t mind you taking me for a test-drive...”

He made a face as if it was ridiculous of her to ask. “Why would he care? It’s my Jeep.”

But Riley wasn’t convinced yet that she was good for him. Jacob had missed that nuance, and she was so excited that he wanted to share something with her, she chose to ignore it. Riley didn’t have to know about the next few minutes. It wasn’t as though she was doing anything wrong by letting Jacob show her his Jeep.

“You can sit in the front,” Tristan volunteered, and hopped into the back without using the door.

Phoenix felt a huge smile stretch across her face. This was “a moment,” she decided, the moment she’d dreamed about for so long. She was with her son, and he seemed okay with having her there.

As Jake started the engine and pulled out, he managed the vehicle so effortlessly she had to marvel at how grown-up he was, and that he had so many abilities.

“I owe your father a lot,” she said, and meant it.

He didn’t seem to follow. “For what?”

“He’s done a great job with you.”

The cocky grin he flashed made her laugh, so then he laughed, too.

She loved the feel of the wind blowing through her hair as they drove, sometimes a little too fast but not so fast that she had to say anything. She was glad of that.

“Have you ever driven a stick?” he asked.

“Me?” Phoenix brought a hand to her chest. “No.” They didn’t teach that in prison. She’d missed out on so much. She hadn’t even been able to name her son. Riley had done that. But more than anything, she regretted not being there to watch Jacob grow up.

He pulled to the side of the road. “Come around. I’ll teach you.”

She shook her head. “No, I can’t. I haven’t been behind the wheel in a long time. I’ve got to get used to driving an automatic before I attempt a stick.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to try?” he said. “It’s not hard...”

“Just riding around with you is fun for me.”

“Okay,” he said, a bit reluctantly, and drove them to a muddy spot outside town to go off-road. As they lurched around, Phoenix clung to her seat belt. But he wasn’t getting too crazy, so she could enjoy it. By the time they returned to the pavement, her stomach was sore from laughing so much, and she wished she had some money she could offer him for gas.

Maybe next week, she thought. If she had enough bracelet orders. She sold most of her bracelets for fifty dollars, but she’d considered adding some new models, with various silver beads and options to personalize them, and planned to charge seventy-five dollars for those.

“You’re a good driver,” she said.

She expected him to thank her. When he didn’t, she looked over to see him watching his rearview mirror with an expression of concern.

“What’s wrong? Don’t tell me it was illegal to do those doughnuts.” If he got a ticket while he was with her, that wouldn’t please Riley, not when he was so concerned about the kind of influence she’d be.

Jacob didn’t answer that, either. He just changed gears and sped up, so she twisted around to see for herself.

She didn’t find a police car following them—but there was someone driving so close behind them, she was afraid they were about to be rear-ended.

“What’s going on?” she asked. “Why is that guy trying to hit us?”

Jacob’s jaw tightened. “That’s no ‘guy.’ That’s Buddy.”

Fear blasted through her, wiping out all the laughter and fun. “Mansfield?”

“Yeah.” He spoke through gritted teeth. But she could recognize the driver herself now, even with the limited view she had through the front window of his oversize truck. Buddy had changed a lot. From what she could see, he was now sporting a full beard.

“Pull over, Jake,” she said.

“That wouldn’t be a good idea,” he responded.

“Why?” Tristan shouted. “He’s gonna crash into us!”

Phoenix was too focused on her son to explain. “You have to let me out.”

“No way,” Jake said. “That’s what he wants. Then he could do anything.”

This was so dangerous. She was terrified that Jake or his friend would get hurt—because of her. “Stop now. Please!”

Her son’s eyebrows jerked together. He was obviously thinking fast, trying to decide the best course of action. But she just wanted to get him and Tristan out of this situation as soon as possible, before something tragic could occur. “What will you do?” he asked, sounding torn.

“Don’t worry about me. I can take care of myself.”

“Against someone like that?”

Buddy tapped their rear bumper, giving them a small jolt.

“I don’t want you in the middle of this!” Phoenix cried. “Do what I say! Now!”

“No!” he snapped, suddenly adamant. But they’d reached town. He had to brake at the light, so she released her seat belt and jumped out, not even trying to take the backpack that held her laptop and purse.

“Mom!” Jacob tried to stop her but she slipped out of his grasp.

“Get out of here!” she yelled back. “Go home!”