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Taxis, etc

As with many countries in the world, the humble taxi driver isn’t the most highly educated person you’ll ever meet; there are notable exceptions, but these are as rare as a real Rolex in China.

Often taxi drivers don’t come from the city where they’re working, so they’ll often need your help to find the place you want to go to. And unless you are going someplace like a well known street, or landmark, or hotel (be aware that there can be several hotels of the same name in the one city, so include the street address too), or a popular shopping district, you can very easily find yourself lost, lost, lost, (and your taxi driver demanding the fare and that you get out of his car wherever he decides to stop – if this happens it’s usually safe to ask to be taken to a big hotel, where you should be able to ask for assistance from the friendly receptionists).

Prepare yourself for a Chinese taxi ride:

•First, easiest and most professional method of explaining your destination is to simply phone your interpreter and ask them to give your instructions to the driver.

•Or ask your hotel receptionist to write the address in Chinese for you to hand to your driver.

•If you know the address of where you are going, you should also have the telephone number, so try phoning someone at your destination and ask them to give your driver the directions.

•Another possible solution is to have previously gone through a magazine or website that features your destination, and hand the printed information to your taxi driver.

•You could also try finding out the GPS coordinates of your destination and hope that the taxi has Sat-Nav, as many now do.

•A less straightforward method is to locate your destination on a map. This sounds like a good idea, but can you read a map written in Chinese? And can your taxi driver read a map written in English? And can your driver read any kind of map? (Maps were not permitted in China until quite recently, so don’t assume it’ll be very helpful.)

•Or try to find someone who speaks a little English, and ask them to give your instructions to the driver. But I can promise you now, this is very risky, because although many, many Chinese speak English, many can only speak English as well as I speak Latin, so don’t bet on this getting you anywhere but very lost.

•In desperation, try speaking loud and clear English and pray for a miracle (they have many gods in China, however, in my experience, miracles are very few and very far between).

It’s very likely that you’re going to use taxis a lot during your stay in China, so you should be aware of a few things:

•Before you make yourself comfortable, check that the taxi is legal (don’t get shanghaied like I did once). The vehicle must have a meter, and the driver must be displaying his photographic ID. If you’re suspicious, step out – there are thousands of taxis in every city.

•Generally women taxi drivers are better drivers, more patient with your poor Mandarin, and more polite.

•Sit in the back of the car. This increases your distance from the crumple zone in the increasingly likely event of a head-on collision.

•And put on your seatbelt, (if you forget to put on your seatbelt, after a couple of near-misses you will remember).

•Prepare for a roller-coaster ride through some horrible traffic. They can drive like teenage car-thieves on amphetamines. This is quite normal.

•Check that you have small notes to pay with. They don’t like being handed CNY100 for a CNY15 trip.

•Don’t tip. Generally tipping isn’t expected (unless you want him to keep the handful of grubby small change), (and the expats don’t want visitors to start a tipping virus that’ll increase their cost of a ride).

•Hang on to your receipt. This identifies your driver. If you leave something in the taxi it’s possible to locate the driver and vehicle. Another reason for hanging on to that receipt is to complain about bad driving. I’ve been mad as a bag of bees because some stupid taxi driver almost killed me with his bad driving: so I made a complaint. The taxi office will phone with an apology, followed a little later by a very reluctant and humble apology from your idiot driver.

•If you are in Shanghai, enjoy some of the tidiest taxis in the world.

I’m embarrassed to admit that I’ve been shanghaied in Shanghai, by a dodgy taxi.

*The airport is a great place to get caught out by this scam because you’re usually bleary-eyed and a bit dopey after a long-haul flight, and I was just pleased that someone offered to help me.

I normally just take the bus or train from the airport to the city I’m working in, but this time I had a meeting in downtown Pu Dong, Shanghai, so I pushed through the airport crowd towards the taxi rank where I was met by a busy little man who had already read my mind, and insisted that I use his taxi. I let him take my luggage and followed him past the taxi rank, down some steps and into an underground car park.

He threw my case into the trunk of a taxi and opened the back door for me. I was beginning to wake up by now and realized things weren’t as they should be. I warily slid into the back seat of the taxi, and the little guy got in the other side to negotiate (?). His dopey-looking sidekick was sitting behind the wheel, and I noticed that his taxi ID holder wasn’t holding anything, and the meter-holder was empty. Uh-oh. The little guy beside me asked me where I was going. I told him the address in Pu Dong (about 20 minutes from the airport); he took out a little brochure, ran his finger to the top of the list and quoted me CNY1000. I had that sinking feeling of being well and truly suckered.

I politely took the brochure from him and looked at it. It was a leaflet for daily car rental, and he was quoting me the daily rate to hire a Rolls Royce.

Time to get out; but the little sod had my case in his trunk.

I laughed innocently and pointed out that he’d made a small error: the car he was quoting me for wasn’t the car I was sitting in. I pointed to the picture of the Volkswagen, similar to the one we were in, and showed him the correct price (for whole-day rental) was only CNY300. I was still being ripped off by at least CNY270, but given the circumstances (and my stupidity) it was a compromise I was prepared to accept. He laughed at his silly mistake, and agreed to accept CNY300 (for a CNY30 journey). So I paid the little sod; he got out, and the driver and I left on our short journey. I thought that I’d wait till the driver took me to my destination, (if that was where he was taking me), and then restrain him until a police officer came to my assistance. But when we arrived he leapt out of the taxi and deposited my case about 25 yards away: so my dilemma was whether having my luggage nicked was worth the satisfaction of prosecuting this little henchman. I was more mad with my own stupidity than with the crooks, so I opted to keep my luggage, and the driver disappeared back to the airport to trick his next gullible westerner. I’m still very embarrassed about this. So be warned, (especially if you can’t negotiate a little discount in Mandarin).

Car crashes are very common in China. Too many cars, too little road-room, and very little patience. Always wear a seatbelt, even on a coach. I know a very well-travelled journalist who carries his own seatbelt for those occasions when there isn’t one provided. This sounds extreme, but he says he never goes anywhere without it, and it’s saved him from serious injury several times.

You’ll be lucky if you don’t witness a crash. A crowd will appear to watch the people struggling out of the wreckage (or lying unconscious, or dead), voyeurs of someone else’s tragedy; seldom have I seen anyone take the initiative to do something useful to help.

Public Transport

Because taxis are so cheap you’ll not need to endure busses and subways, (and the consequential translation problems and officials’ impatience that you’re definitely going to encounter).

Generally speaking, travelling on a public bus or the subway (if there is one in your city) can be fun, (if you’re a masochistic agoraphobic claustrophobe); you’ll be squashed in so tightly that you’ll be able to lift your feet off the floor without sliding down. And you’ll witness the peculiar habit of people getting on the bus before the occupants can attempt to leave it. But if you do decide to try this type of transportation, beware the travelsick passenger (there’s one in every crowd), it’s not uncommon to see a bus window slide open for a passenger to vomit into the street (just imagine the panic if they can’t make it to the window).

Inter-city trains are okay, and a great way to meet people.

You buy your ticket and find the waiting area, like any other train station, but you’ll notice that your ticket (like a plane ticket) gives you your coach and seat number, so you’re guaranteed a seat somewhere and don’t have to fight for it. *After a long day working in Shanghai I boarded my train to Hangzhou, which was a fully booked double-decker, and within minutes the entire coach was silent as all the exhausted workers just fell asleep against each other, like they’d been gassed; a very odd situation, (which I was glad to participate in).

Generally speaking, intercity coaches aren’t too packed. And the Chinese prefer to sit at the front of the coach, leaving plenty of room for antisocial westerners to stretch out at the rear.

A couple of quick words about Queuing: THERE ISN’T ANY

Exceptions may be at an organized taxi rank, but generally speaking, it’s everyone for themselves. If you’re going to be polite and take your turn, you’ll just have everyone else push in front of you until you realize that you’re going to be left standing. So get in there, elbows thrashing and pushing forward like the rest of them.