Читать книгу The Art of Taking It Easy - Brian King - Страница 7

I hope so, I really do. And I’m not just saying that to get you on my side either; the happiness of other people has always been very important to me.

Comedians frequently open a joke by saying, “And now, a little about me,” so let me start by telling you a little about myself. As the book cover says, I am Dr. Brian King, although I really only use my title as a stage name. I am a pretty casual guy so I usually just go by Brian. Besides, I’ve never been comfortable calling myself “Dr. King”—that name has already been taken.1

As a public speaker with a doctorate in psychology, I have been traveling the country teaching audiences about happiness, the benefits of humor, and how to manage stress for nearly a decade. These subjects are very interrelated, as managing stress is key to happiness, and humor contributes to them both. I've devoted a good chunk of my life to teaching people how to overcome stress and live happier lives. I also perform stand-up comedy, an art form with the sole purpose of making people happy. Comedians screw this up all the time, but at least that is the intent.

I seem to have an ability to present research-based information in a humorous context, and this has been the key to my success as a speaker, and now, an author. In 2016 I published a book, The Laughing Cure, all about the physical and emotional benefits of humor and laughter, which has been met with positive reviews and, I am told, has helped at least a few people become happier.

When I look back on my life, of course I see things that I could have done differently, but I was always concerned about the happiness of others. In high school I was part of a peer counseling program, based on the idea that a troubled student would prefer talking to another student rather than an adult in a position of authority.2 In college, I volunteered with an organization that helped organize and train a new generation of those student mentors. I also volunteered my time to a few charities, and worked in a home for emotionally disturbed children. When I became a public speaker, I took the opportunity to pursue something I had been interested in all my life.

So yes, I am interested in your happiness.

I realize that in choosing to pick up this book, there is a chance that happiness is something you may be struggling with. Maybe you are coping with some terrible circumstances or wrestling with anxiety and depression. After all, these are our most common mental disorders.3 Perhaps you are looking for answers, hoping that somehow these pages may contain that magical key to overcoming whatever you are dealing with. If this is the case, I don’t want to discourage you from reading further, but I don’t think any book has all the answers. (Unless you are looking up a phone number, in which case I know a great book for that. And what is it, 1997 where you live?)

Certainly reading a book is no substitute for professional help, but you may find some value in what I have to share.

Let me be clear, nobody is happy all the time. In fact, to be happy all the time is indicative of a disorder.4 Healthy people fluctuate in their emotions. We have highs, we have lows, and overall, we have a general level of affect that would describe our usual emotional state. If we averaged all of our ups and downs, we’d have an emotional equilibrium, if you will.5 Like any human trait, we would expect this to vary from person to person, and it does. Some of us are naturally quite happy, experiencing an overall high level of affect, some of us unfortunately experience much more down time, but most of us are somewhere in the middle: a level of happiness that my dad would describe as “Can’t complain.”

When I introduce myself to seminar audiences, I often start by stating that I am quite happy, and this is true. I am definitely not the happiest person I have ever met, but I am above average in this regard. I know how to take it easy. For the cover of my last book, my brother, Jon, provided the following endorsement: “Brian has been unaffected by stress since I met him when he was five. I think he tapped into how to manage stress and live on his own terms at an early age.” Generally speaking, I live a pretty stress-free life, and as a result I experience more emotional highs than lows. This does not mean that I have not dealt with my share of adverse events; I absolutely have. Bad things happen all the time, but what ultimately makes the difference in our lives is how we deal with those situations.

With the growing field of Positive Psychology, there has been a lot of research on what makes people happy and how some are able to handle stress better than others. Certain characteristics and behaviors have been identified and somehow, I managed to grow to adulthood with a good set of skills for achieving happiness. In other words, I practice what I preach. For this reason, I tend to use personal examples whenever I can (and sometimes I just straight make them up; after all, I am a comedian). The doctorate in psychology helps too, but I’ll let you in on a not-so-secret secret: Not all psychologists are positive. A lot of psychologists suffer from depression too.

Now you may be wondering why I spent the last couple paragraphs talking about myself. Throughout this book I am going to offer advice based on my understanding as someone trained in psychology, but I am also going to draw upon my own personal experiences. Besides, I feel it is important to have a sense of who someone is when you are evaluating their message. As they say, always check your source. If only people on Facebook followed this rule before sharing a political meme . . . oh well, human nature is what it is.

One more thing about me and then we’ll move on. After a seminar on happiness one day, an audience member came up to me and said, “So you are happy . . . are you married?” to which I replied, “Of course not, I said I was happy.”

On more than one occasion, someone implied that my happiness and apparent lack of stress were a function of my being single and childless. Although it is true that I loved being unattached and only responsible for myself, there is a giant pile of research that suggests married people are happier than single people,6 and people with children are happier than people without7 (again, remember these are generalizations). Researchers also suggest that one of the primary drivers of happiness is having a sense of purpose.8 For example, traveling the country helping people can, and does, provide a guy with a healthy dose of purpose. But you know what else works? Being a good partner to someone. Or being a good parent.

My life has changed dramatically since the publication of my last book. My partner, Sarah, and I began seeing each other as I was writing the manuscript. She was working in Colorado for the summer and I was still in Los Angeles trying to be famous. Despite the distance, we felt a connection so strong that we decided to take our relationship to the next level: sell most of our belongings, get rid of our homes, and travel the world together as nomads. You know, like everyone does when they fall in love. A year and a half later we were joined by our beautiful daughter, Alyssa. After continuing to travel for a while, we decided to return to Colorado so I could work on this book. With a partner and a child (holy crap, that’s a family!), my life is barely recognizable compared to its previous state.

At the age of forty-five, I became a dad. I know what you are thinking, “Babies having babies! This man is too young to have a child!” No, it’s true. I am a father, but honestly, Sarah did most of the work. Forty-five years old and this was my first pregnancy. Well, it was her pregnancy, I just inspired it.

I am older, but I am not that old. One day in Texas, Sarah and I had just finished a speaking engagement and I was standing with Alyssa in my arms greeting members of the audience as they left the room. Sarah was nearby and I mentioned to a woman how lucky I am to be able to take my daughter with me as I tour. She replied, “Yes, and you must love having your grandbaby with you too.” The struggle is real, y’all.

And I get it. I have never been more stressed than I am as a parent. My daughter hated me for the first six months of her life because as much as I tried, I simply could not lactate. Whenever I was home alone with her, I was a constant source of disappointment. But beyond being occasionally screamed at, on a daily basis I am concerned about her future, as I hope all parents are for their children. I am frequently plagued by worries about providing for her and doubts about whether I am doing the right thing. She is now eighteen months old and right this moment is trying to pull me away from my computer. Parenthood normally comes with stress, but have you ever tried to write a seventy-thousand-word book while taking care of a demanding toddler?

Seriously, she is tugging on me to go for a walk. Alyssa baby, daddy has to write. I’m on a roll and, . . . well just let me finish this section . . . okay I guess we are going outside.

She did, in fact, drag me away from the computer just now. We went to the park down the block and for once I was not the oldest father at the playground, but I was the least tattooed. (Denver is an interesting city.) When we came back, I made us lunch. By the way, I just made my first PB&J as a dad. However, because my kid is only one and a half, I also had to eat it.

I didn’t have to share any of that brief departure with you. I could have just put down the computer, gone for a walk, and come home to pick back up where I was, but I did so because it brings me to another point. Besides being a new source of stress, my daughter is also a source of unbelievable happiness for both Sarah and me. All my life, people had been telling me that having children changes everything. “Yeah,” I’d reply, “I know. I had a dog.”

I had no idea, and there is no way anyone can know, how incredibly gratifying it is to reproduce. Every time I look into my daughter’s eyes, my heart melts. Other than crying, everything she does fills me with joy. Just now, she led me to get up, put my shoes on, and head out the door. Leading Sarah and me by the hand is a relatively new behavior for Alyssa. And at the park she tried out some new toys, played with a group of children a bit older than her, and made a new friend. After eating a few bites of her sandwich for lunch, she fell asleep in my arms, so I am now typing this around her. I love watching her learn, grow, and develop. Oh, and when she does cry, I want to do everything in my power to make things better. And because I know that someday she may read this, in case I say differently in the future, every diaper I have ever changed has been an absolute honor (remember that if you ever have to change mine, kid). I never anticipated how much my life would change. Before having a child, I would have never considered sharing a lollipop with another human being.

Sarah and I know plenty of parents who are constantly under stress. We hear from parents of older children all the time about how difficult this period was for them. You know what? Other than a few infrequent situations it has never been that bad for us, and overall it has been spectacular. Parenthood is like any other life event in that how you deal with it influences how it affects you. Before Alyssa, we were both generally positive, resilient people, so it seems reasonable that we would carry those characteristics into this stage of our lives. One thing is certain, I doubt future audience members will suggest that the reason I am so happy and stress-free is my lack of children.

If you read The Laughing Cure (and if you haven’t, might I suggest adding it to your reading list after this? All proceeds go to keeping a darling baby girl alive), you may remember that one of the benefits of laughter and having a sense of humor is that it helps make us happy. To use a quote often attributed to William James, the father of American psychology, “We don’t laugh because we’re happy, we’re happy because we laugh.” Happiness is a great emotion, and really preferable to the alternative, but for many people it is a difficult thing to experience because of stress. If we could just get a handle on stress, we would have greater potential to achieve happiness. Thankfully, laughter and humor also help to reduce stress, which in turn helps makes us happy.9 As a comedian, and someone who appreciates a good laugh, this is my favorite benefit to mention in my seminars.

For this book, I decided I would focus more heavily on stress management and resilience. I love inspiring happiness in people, and it is important, but good stress management has so many more benefits to our lives than simply making us happy. Stress, as a contributor to so much mental and physical pain, is something that we absolutely need to address.10 If we could just get people to deal more effectively with stress, we could reduce or even eliminate a great deal of pain and suffering. I do not consider this a self-help book, but rather just some practical advice in dealing with stress presented in a hopefully entertaining way. In this book, I will discuss stress in a bit of detail so that you can understand why it impacts our lives so much. I will also be addressing many of the common questions I receive as a public speaker and expanding on the information about stress management I presented in the previous book. As I mentioned earlier, this or any other book is no substitute for professional therapy, so please keep that in mind and seek additional help if you are truly hurting. Stress is a factor in many mental illnesses and disorders,11 such as depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), substance use disorder, and of course post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and if you are struggling with these or other issues please seek out a therapist. However, reading these pages can potentially help increase your stress-management toolset, and we can all use a little help once in a while. Even those of us who are already happy can benefit, because who can’t be happier? It’s not like you can max out on happiness.

Keep in Mind

 This book is NOT a substitute for therapy in any way.

 This book is ONLY intended for entertainment, information, and advice.

I wrote this book with the general audience in mind, with references for those who would like to seek more information. Even if you are unfamiliar with my style, if you’ve read this far it should be obvious that this is not an academic or professionally oriented book. I cite a few references but this is far from a proper review of the scientific literature. I provide them as a jumping off point for the curious reader and because I was trained to write for science and old habits die hard. And just in case I get on the Oprah Winfrey Show somehow12 (maybe she’ll return, let’s cross our fingers and check under our chairs), keep in mind that some of my stories are exaggerated for effect, but the information I present is true to the best of my knowledge. I may have a fancy degree in psychology, but I am also a comedian. And remember, if you are stressing out about being happy, you are doing it wrong!

1 If you don’t get this reference, perhaps you were skipping school in February?

2 Peer Assistance and Leadership is a great idea, and an awesome experience. See http://palusa.org for more information.

3 Anxiety disorders are the most common mental illness in the United States, affecting forty million adults age eighteen and older, 18 percent of the population. (Source: National Institute of Mental Health, http://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/prevalence/any-anxiety-disorder-among -adults.shtml.)

4 Angelman syndrome.

5 For a great summary on modern happiness research and theory, see Sonja Lyubomirsky, The How of Happiness: A Scientific Approach to Getting the Life You Want (New York, NY: Penguin, 2008).

6 Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher, The Case for Marriage: Why Married People are Happier, Healthier and Better Off Financially (New York, NY: Broadway Books, 2002).

7 Married people, anyway. According to Luis Angeles, “Children and Life Satisfaction,” Journal of Happiness Studies 11, no. 4 (2010): 523–538.

8 R. W. Robak and P. W. Griffin, “Purpose in life: What is its relationship to happiness, depression, and grieving?” North American Journal of Psychology 2, no. 1 (2000): 113–19.

9 I covered this a bit in The Laughing Cure, but here are some articles for reference:Mary Payne Bennett and Cecile Lengacher, “Humor and Laughter May Influence Health: II. Complementary Therapies and Humor in a Clinical Population,” Evidence-Based Complementary and Alternative Medicine 3, no. 2 (June 2006): 187–190.Lee S. Berk, Stanley A. Tan, and Dottie Berk, “Cortisol and Catecholamine Stress Hormone Decrease is Associated with the Behavior of Perceptual Anticipation of Mirthful Laughter,” The FASEB Journal 22, no.1, supplement (March 2008): 946.11–946.11.

10 Including, but not limited to: anxiety, chronic pain, depression, diabetes, fibromyalgia, hypertension, immune disorders, obesity, osteoporosis, and so many more!

11 Actually, with few exceptions, stress is a factor in almost every disorder in the book. That book being: American Psychiatric Association, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5) (Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association Publishing, 2013).

12 I am referring to the controversy around author James Frey and his book A Million Little Pieces. If you don’t get the reference, don’t worry, Sarah didn’t get it either.