Читать книгу An Indiana Christmas - Bryan Furuness - Страница 15

THE FABLE OF THE CUT-UP WHO CAME VERY NEAR LOSING HIS TICKET, BUT WHO TURNED DEFEAT INTO VICTORY

George Ade

IN A PRAIRIE HAMLET, FAR FROM THE maddening Department Store, where arrogant Wealth did not flaunt itself before the Humble, and where the People were so Primitive that they did not know how to get Money except by Working for it, they were making large Preparations to tear Things wide open at Christmas.

All through the abbreviated Community, the Women Folks were feverishly popping Corn and cracking Hickory Nuts on a Flatiron and making homemade Candy. The Unmarried Kind were secretively working on Yarn Mittens.

There was to be a Tree at the Church and preceding the Distribution of Presents there was to be a Show, alias a Methodist Vaudeville, which consists of Pieces, Responsive Readings, and the best that the Choir can do. The Druggist in this Village had laid in what he called an Elegant Assortment of Holiday Goods. He had all of Will Carleton’s Poems and a Counter covered with fragile Toys that smelled of the Paint, also an attractive Line of Perfumeries and some Toilet Sets. One of these Toilet Sets was the Prize Exhibit. The Comb and Brushes were of Celluloid, the Amber and White being scrambled in a very effective Manner. The Druggist was willing to give a Guarantee that the Bristles were Real. This Toilet Set reposed in a puckered Nest of Yellow Satin. The Box was of Blue Plush with a neat Clasp, and on the Lid was the Following, in Silver Letters: “Merry X-Mas.”

Every Girl in Town came into the Drugstore and leaned on the Showcase and gazed longingly at the Work of Art. It was evident that the local Beau who loosened up for $6.50 would win in a Canter. But there was general Doubt as to whether anyone would be so Reckless as to fork over $6.50, just for Foolishness. All who went into the Drugstore and Stood in Solemn Silence, admiring the Blue Plush, the Yellow Satin, and the gleaming Celluloid, conceded that the Outfit was Purty, but they allowed it was too Fine for Actual Use. It was supposed that the Box alone would come to $3. Some said the Letters on the Lid were genuine Silver. Others contended that they were merely Plated.

In every Household the Toilet Set was a fruitful Topic. The general Verdict appeared to be that, in all probability, the Druggist would either have to knock off something on the Price or else be Stuck. There had been one or two Offers of $5 for the Pièce de Résistance, but the Druggist claimed that he had paid more than that for it, Wholesale.

Three Days before Christmas there appeared on the Yellow Satin a Card marked “Sold.” The News spread like Wildfire that someone had blown himself to the Limit. There was but one Question agitating the whole Village for the next two Days. “Who will get the Toilet Set for Christmas?” Speculation ran rife, and every Girl who kept Company was hoping against Hope, even though her cold Judgment told her that, in all likelihood, her Fellow had not seen $6.50 in six long Months.

The Druggist had been pledged to Secrecy, and it became evident that the Populace would have to wait until Christmas to have its Curiosity appeased. So it waited with a lot of Impatience.

The Village Wag, whose name was Amos, had been one of Several who looked at the Toilet Set and counted their Money and passed out. He loved a Girl named Luella, but he had a Frugal Mind. It seemed to him that it would be more Sensible to save his Money and make a First Payment on a Home. Besides, the Poultry Business had been a little Slack, and he couldn’t see himself giving up $6.50 for a dosh-burned Gimcrack that was no Account except to look at. So he gave up Sixty Cents for an Autograph Album and let it go at that. He would have gone ahead and bought something for a Dollar, only Amos thought he had a Cinch. His only Rival for the Hand of Luella was Tallmadge N. Crockett, proprietor of the Livery and Feed Stable. Amos was so much more Comic and Conversational than Tallmadge and had such a Taking Way that he wasn’t for a Minute afraid of being Cut Out by Tallmadge.

Being the recognized Village Wag, Amos was called upon to impersonate Santa Claus at the Christmas Tree Entertainment. Amos was a born Romp, and the Congregation was sure of many a Hearty Laugh when he came in as Santy and began to cut Didoes.

Amos borrowed a Buffalo Robe, a Strand of Bells, and a Fur Cap. He rigged up a Set of Cotton Whiskers and prepared to be even Funnier than usual.

On Christmas Eve the Church put them in the Aisles, so great was the Interest in the Tree. The Superintendent of the Sunday School, looking unusually pale and scrubbed-up and smelling of Bay Rum, stood up in front of the Tree and made an Address that was Facetious, from his Point of View. The Choir sang one of its hardest Anthems, and after two or three other Inflictions, Amos, the Merry Andrew, came in as Santa Claus and did some of his best Comedy Acting. He galloped up and down the Aisles and scared several Children in Arms into Convulsions. Then he went up to the Tree to assist the droll Superintendent in distributing Presents. As a Team they were expected to spring a great many timely Quips, right on the Spur of the Moment.

While standing by the Tree, waiting for the Infant Class to conclude a Carol, Amos saw on a Table the magnificent Toilet Set, with the $6.50 Mark still on it. He drew nearer to read the attached Card and almost fainted with Horror when he saw the Name of Luella in the well-known Handwriting of Tallmadge N. Crockett. The Shock was so great that everything Swam before his Gaze, the same as in a Natatorium. He could not see anything except his own Finish. When Luella came to compare the superb Toilet Set and the Sixty-Cent Autograph Album, he knew that he would not be One-Two-Seven. He was inspired to a Desperate Action. He happened to remember that Celluloid contains Gun Cotton and Camphor and other high Explosives. The Infant Class stood between him and the Congregation. Stealthily he plucked a lighted Candle from the Tree and dropped it on the Toilet Set. Then he leaped over the Rail. There was a terrific Report, a flash of Fire, an odor of Camphor, and the Air was full of Infant Class. A Panic ensued. Throwing off his Disguise of White Cotton Whiskers, Amos gathered Luella in his Arms and carried her to a Place of Safety. She called him “Preserver” and refused to let go of him. When Quiet was restored, there was nothing left of the Toilet Set except the Clasp and the letters spelling “Merry X-Mas.”

MORAL: True Love will prevail against the Vulgar Bank Roll, even at Christmastime.