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"Why should I not read it," thought Horatio, hesitating, with the MSS. of Life in Eton half opened in his hand. A little Chesterfield deity, called Prudence, whispered—"Caution." "Well, Miss Hypocrisy," quoth the Student, "what serious offence shall I commit against propriety or morality by reading a whimsical jeu-d'esprit, penned to explain the peculiar lingual localisms of Eton, and display her chief characteristic follies." "It is slang," said Prudence. "Granted," said Horatio: "but he who undertakes to depict real life must not expect to make a pleasing or a correct picture, without the due proportions of light and shade. 'Vice to be hated needs but to be seen.' Playful satire may do more towards correcting the evil than all the dull lessons of sober-tongued morality can ever hope to effect." Candour, who just then happened to make a passing call, was appointed referee; and, without hesitation, agreed decidedly with Horatio.{1}

1 Life at Eton will not, I hope, be construed into any

intention of the author's to follow in the track of any

previous publication: his object is faithfully to delineate

character, not to encourage vulgar phraseology, or

promulgate immoral sentiment.

LIFE IN ETON;

A COLLEGE CHAUNT IN PRAISE OF PRIVATE

TUTORS.{1}

Time hallowed shades, and noble names,

Etonian classic bowers;

Pros,{2} masters, fellows, and good dames,{3}

Where pass'd my school-boy hours;

1 Private tutor, in the Eton school phrase, is another term

for a Cad, a fellow who lurks about college, and assists in all sprees and sports by providing dogs, fishing tackle, guns, horses, bulls for baiting, a badger, or in promoting any other interdicted, or un-lawful pastime. A dozen or more of these well known characters may be seen loitering in front of the college every morning, making their arrangement with their pupils, the Oppidans, for a day's sport, to commence the moment school is over. They formerly used to occupy a seat on the low wall, in front of the college, but the present headmaster has recently interfered to expel this assemblage; they still, however, carry on their destructive intercourse with youth, by walking about, and watching their opportunity for communication. The merits of these worthies are here faithfully related, and will be instantly recognised by any Etonian of the last thirty years. 2 PROS. Eton college is governed by a provost, vice- provost, six fellows, a steward of the courts, head-master, and a lower, or second master; to which is added, nine assistant masters, and five extra ones, appointed to teach French, writing, drawing, fencing, and dancing. The school has materially increased in numbers within the last few years, and now contains nearly five hundred scholars, sons of noblemen and gentlemen, and may be truly said to be the chief nursery for the culture of the flower of the British nation.—See note to page 54. 3 DAMES. The appellation given to the females who keep boarding-houses in Eton. These houses, although out of the college walls, are subject to the surveillance of the head master and fellows, to whom all references and complaints are made.

Come list', while I with con,{4} and sock{5}

And chaunt,{6} both ripe and mellow,

Tell how you knowledge stores unlock,

To make a clever fellow.{7}

For Greek and Latin, classic stuff,

Let tug muttons{8}compose it;

Give oppidans{9} but blunt{10 }enough,

What odds to them who knows it.

A dapper dog,{11} a right coolfish,{12}

Who snugly dines on pewter;

Quaffs Bulstrode ale,{13} and takes his dish.

4 CON. A con is a companion, or friend; as, "you are

cons of late."

5 SOCK signifies eating or drinking niceties; as, pastry,

jellies, Bishop, &c.

6 CHAUNT, a good song; to versify.

7 This is not intended as an imputation on the learned

fellows of Eton college, but must be taken in the vulgar

acceptation—you're a clever fellow, &c.

8 TUG MUTTONS, or Tugs, collegers, foundation scholars; an

appellation given to them by the oppidans, in derision of

the custom which has prevailed from the earliest period, and

is still continued, of living entirely on roast mutton; from

January to December no other description of meat is ever

served up at College table in the hall. There are seventy of

these young gentlemen on the foundation who, if they miss

their election when they are nineteen, lose all the benefits

of a fellowship.

9 OPPIDANS, independent scholars not on the foundation.

10 BLUNT, London slang (for money), in use here.

11 A DAPPER DOC, any thing smart, or pleasing, as, "Ay,

that's dapper," or, "you are a dapper dog."

12 A RIGHT COOL FISH, one who is not particular what he says

or does.

13 BULSTRODE ALE, a beverage in great request at the

Christopher. When the effects were sold at Bulstrode,

Garraway purchased a small stock of this famous old ale,

which by some miraculous process he has continued to serve

out in plentiful quantities ever since. The joke has of late

been rather against mine host of the Christopher, who,

however, to do him justice, has an excellent tap, which is

now called the queen's, from some since purchased at

Windsor: this is sold in small quarts, at one shilling per

jug.

In private with his tutor.{14}

In lieu of ancient learned lore,

Which might his brain bewilder,

Rum college slang he patters o'er,

With cads{15 }who chouse{16} the guilder.

Who's truly learn'd must read mankind,

Truth's axiom inculcates:

The world's a volume to the mind,

Instructive more than pulpits.{17}

Come fill the bowl with Bishop up, Clods,{18} Fags,{19} and Skugs{20} and Muttons{21}; When absence{22} calls ye into sup, Drink, drink to me, ye gluttons. I'll teach ye how to kill dull care, Improve your box of knowledge,{23} 14 Many of the young noblemen and gentlemen at Eton are accompanied by private tutors, who live with them to expedite their studies; they are generally of the College, and recommended by the head master for their superior endowments. 15 CAD, a man of all work, for dirty purposes, yclept private tutor. See note 1, page 68. 16 CHOUSE the GUILDER. Chouse or chousing is generally applied to any transaction in which they think they may have been cheated or overcharged. Guilder is a cant term for gold. 17 Nothing in the slightest degree unorthodox is meant to be inferred from this reasoning, but simply the sentiment of this quotation-'The proper study of mankind is man.' 18 CLODS, as, "you clod," a town boy, or any one not an Etonian, no matter how respectable. 19 FAGS, boys in the lower classes. Every fifth form boy has his fag. 20 SCUG or SKUG, a lower boy in the school, relating to sluggish. 21 MUTTONS. See note 8. 22 ABSENCE. At three-quarters past eight in summer, and earlier in winter, several of the masters proceed to the different dames' houses, and call absence, when every boy is compelled to be instantly in quarters for the night, on pain of the most severe punishment. 23 BOX of KNOWLEDGE, the pericranium. With all that's witty, choice, and rare, 'Fore all the Slugs{24} of college. Of private tutors, vulgo Cads, A list I mean to tender; The qualities of all the lads, Their prices to a bender.{25} First, Shampo Carter{26} doffs his tile, To dive, to fish, or fire; There's few can better time beguile, And none in sporting higher. 24 SLUGS of College, an offensive appellation applied to the fellows of Eton by the townsmen. 25 BENDER, a sixpence. 26 Note from Bernard Blackmantle, M.A. to Shampo Carter and Co. P.T.'s:— MESSIEURS THE CADS OF ETON, In handing down to posterity your multifarious merits and brilliant qualifications, you will perceive I have not forgotten the signal services and delightful gratifications so often afforded me in the days of my youth. Be assured, most assiduous worthies, that I am fully sensible of all your merits, and can appreciate justly your great usefulness to the rising generation. You are the sappers and miners of knowledge, who attack and destroy the citadel of sense before it is scarcely defensible. It is no fault of yours if the stripling of Eton is not, at eighteen, well initiated into all the mysteries of life, excepting only the, to him, mysterious volumes of the classics. To do justice to all was not within the limits of my work; I have therefore selected from among you the most distinguished names, and I flatter myself, in so doing, I have omitted very few of any note; if, however, any efficient member of your brotherhood should have been unintentionally passed by, he has only to forward an authenticated copy of his biography and peculiar merits to the publisher, to meet with insertion in a second edition. Bernard Blackmantle. Bill Carter is, after all, a very useful fellow, if it was only in teaching the young Etonians to swim, which he does, by permission of the head master. Tile, a hat.

Joe Cannon, or my lord's a gun,{27}

A regular nine pounder;

To man a boat, stands number one,

And ne'er was known to flounder.

There's Foxey Hall{28} can throw the line

With any Walton angler;

To tell his worth would task the Nine,

Or pose a Cambridge wrangler.

Next, Pickey Powell{29} at a ball

Is master of the wicket;

Can well deliver at a call

A trite essay on cricket.

Jem Flowers {30} baits a badger well,

For a bull hank, or tyke, sir; And as an out and out bred swell,{31} Was never seen his like. 27 A GUN—"He's a great gun," a good fellow, a knowing one. Joe is a first rate waterman, and by the Etonians styled "Admiral of the fleet." 28 "Not a better fellow than Jack Hall among the Cads," said an old Etonian, "or a more expert angler." Barb, Gudgeon, Dace, and Chub, seem to bite at his bidding; and if they should be a little shy, why Jack knows how to "go to work with the net." 29 Who, that has been at Eton, and enjoyed the manly and invigorating exercise of cricket, has not repeatedly heard Jem Powell in tones of exultation say, "Only see me 'liver thin here ball, my young master?" And, in good truth, Jem is right, for very few can excel him in that particular: and then (when Jem is Bacchi plenis,) who can withstand his quart of sovereigns. On such occasions Jem is seen marching up and down before the door of his house, with a silver quart tankard filled with gold—the savings of many years of industry. 30 Jem Flowers is an old soldier; and, in marshalling the forces for a bull or a badger-bait, displays all the tactics of an experienced general officer. Caleb Baldwin would no more bear comparison with Jem than a flea does to an elephant. 31 When it is remembered how near Eton is to London, and how frequent the communication, it will appear astonishing, but highly creditable to the authorities, that so little of the current slang of the day is to be met with here.

There's Jolly Jem,{32} who keeps his punt,

And dogs to raise the siller;

Of cads, the captain of the hunt, A right and tight good miller. Next Barney Groves,{33} a learned wight, The impounder of cattle, Dilates on birth and common right, And threats black slugs with battle. Big George {34} can teach the use of fives, Or pick up a prime terrier; Or spar, or keep the game alive, With beagle, bull, or harrier. Savager{35} keeps a decent nag,

32 Jem Miller was originally a tailor; but having dropt a

stitch or two in early life, listed into a sporting regiment of Cads some years since; and being a better shot at hares and partridges than he was considered at the heavy goose, has been promoted to the rank of captain of the private tutors. Jem is a true jolly fellow; his house exhibits a fine picture of what a sportsman's hall should be, decorated with all the emblems of fishing, fowling, and hunting, disposed around in great taste. 33 Barney Groves, the haughward, or impounder of stray cattle at Eton, is one of the most singular characters I have ever met with. Among the ignorant Barney is looked up to as the fountain of local and legal information; and it is highly ludicrous to hear him expatiate on his favourite theme of "our birthrights and common rights;" tracing the first from the creation, and deducing argument in favor of his opinions on the second from doomsday book, through all the intricate windings of the modern inclosure acts. Barney is a great stickler for reform in College, and does not hesitate to attack the fellows of Eton (whom he denominates black slugs), on holding pluralities, and keeping the good things to themselves. As Barney's avocation compels him to travel wide, he is never interrupted by water; for in summer or winter he readily wades through the deepest places; he is consequently a very efficient person in a sporting party. 34 George Williams, a well-known dog fancier, who also teaches the art and science of pugilism. 35 Savager, a livery-stable keeper, who formerly used to keep a good tandem or two for hire, but on the interference of the head master, who interdicted such amusements as dangerous, they have been put down in Eton.

But's very shy of lending,

Since she put down her tandem drag,{36} For fear of Keates offending. But if you want to splash along In glory with a ginger,{37} Or in a Stanhope come it strong, Try Isaac Clegg,{38} of Windsor. If o'er old father Thames you'd glide, And cut the silvery stream; With Hester's{39} eight oars mock the tide, He well deserves a theme. There's Charley Miller, and George Hall,{40} Can beasts and birds restore, sir; And though they cannot bark or squall, Look livelier than before, sir. Handy Jack's {41} a general blade, There's none like Garraway, sir; Boats, ducks, or dogs, are all his trade, He'll fit you to a say, sir. 36 DR A G, London slang for tilbury, dennet, Stanhope, &c. 37 A GINGER, a showy, fast horse. 38 Isaac Clegg is in great repute for his excellent turn outs, and prime nags; and, living in Windsor, he is out of the jurisdiction of the head master. 39 Hester's boats are always kept in excellent trim. At Eton exercise on the water is much practised, and many of the scholars are very expert watermen: they have recently taken to boats of an amazing length, forty feet and upwards, which, manned with eight oars, move with great celerity. Every Saturday evening the scholars are permitted to assume fancy dresses; but the practice is now principally confined to the steersman; the rest simply adopting sailors' costume, except on the fourth of June, or election Saturday, when there is always a grand gala, a band of music, and fireworks, on the island in the Thames. 40 Miller and Hall, two famous preservers of birds and animals; an art in high repute among the Etonians. 41 A famous boatman, duck-hunter, dog-fighter; or, according to the London phrase—good at everything.

Tom New {42} in manly sports is old,

A tailor, and a trump, sir;

And odd Fish Bill,{43} at sight of gold, Will steer clear of the bump,"{44} sir. A list of worthies, learn'd and great In every art and science, That noble youths should emulate, To set laws at defiance: The church, the senate, and the bar, By these in ethics grounded, Must prove a meteoric star, Of brilliancy compounded. Ye lights of Eton, rising suns, Of all that's great and godly; The nation's hope, and dread of duns, Let all your acts be motley. Learn arts like these, ye oppidan, If you'd astonish greatly The senate, or the great divan, With classics pure, and stately. Give Greek and Latin to the wind, Bid pedagogues defiance: These are the rules to grace the mind With the true gems of science. 42 Tom New, a great cricketer. 43 Bill Fish, a waterman who attends the youngest boys in their excursions. 44 The BUMP, to run against each other in the race.

APOLLO'S VISIT TO ETON.

This whimsical production appeared originally in 1819, in an Eton miscellany entitled the College Magazine; the poetry of which was afterwards selected, and only fifty copies struck off: these have been carefully suppressed, principally we believe on account of this article, as it contains nothing that we conceive can be deemed offensive, and has allusions to almost all the distinguished scholars of that period, besides including the principal contributors to the Etonian, a recent popular work: we have with some difficulty filled up the blanks with real names; and, at the suggestion of several old Etonians, incorporated it with the present work, as a fair criterion of the promising character of the school at this particular period.

The practice of thus distinguishing the rising talents of Eton is somewhat ancient. We have before us a copy of verses dated 1620, in which Waller, the poet, and other celebrated characters of his time, are particularised. At a still more recent period, during the mastership of the celebrated Doctor Barnard, the present earl of Carlisle, whose classical taste is universally admitted, distinguished himself not less than his compeers, by some very elegant lines: those on the late Right Hon. C. J. Fox we are induced to extract as a strong proof of the noble earl's early penetration and foresight.

"How will my Fox, alone, by strength of parts.

Shake the loud senate, animate the hearts

Of fearful statesmen? while around you stand

Both Peers and Commons listening your command.

While Tully's sense its weight to you affords, His nervous sweetness shall adorn your words. What praise to Pitt,{1} to Townshend, e'er was due, In future times, my Pox, shall wait on you."

At a subsequent period, the leading characters of the school were spiritedly drawn in a periodical newspaper, called the World, then edited by Major Topham, and the Rev. Mr. East, who is still, I believe, living, and preaches occasionally at Whitehall. From that publication, now very scarce, I have selected the following as the most amusing, and relating to distinguished persons.

1 The great Earl of Chatham.