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BERNARD BLACKMANTLE{*} TO THE REVIEWERS.

Table of Contents

"But now, what Quixote of the age would care

To wage a war with dirt, and fight with air?"

Messieurs the Critics,

After twelve months of agreeable toil, made easy by unprecedented success, the period has at length arrived when your high mightinesses will be able to indulge your voracious appetites by feeding and fattening on the work of death. Already does my prophetic spirit picture to itself the black cloud of cormorants, swelling and puffing in the fulness of their editorial pride, at the huge eccentric volume which has thus thrust itself into extensive circulation without the usual cringings and cravings to the pick fault tribe. But

I dare defy the venal crew that prates,

From tailor Place* to fustian Herald Thwaites.{**}

* The woolly editor of the Breeches Makers', alias the

"Westminster Review."

** The thing who writes the leaden (leading) articles for

the Morning Herald.

Let me have good proof of your greediness to devour my labours, and I will dish up such a meal for you in my next volume, as shall go nigh to produce extermination by surfeit. One favour, alone, I crave—give me abuse enough; let no squeamish pretences of respect for my bookseller, or disguised qualms of apprehension for your own sacred persons, deter the natural inclination of your hearts. The slightest deviation from your usual course to independent writers—or one step towards commendation from your gang, might induce the public to believe I had abandoned my character, and become one of your honourable fraternity-the very suspicion of which would (to me) produce irretrievable ruin. Your masters, the trading brotherhood, will (as usual) direct you in the course you should pursue; whether to approve or condemn, as their 'peculiar interests may dictate. Most sapient sirs of the secret bandit' of the screen, inquisitors of literature, raise all your arms and heels, your daggers, masks, and hatchets, to revenge the daring of an open foe, who thus boldly defies your base and selfish views; for, basking at his ease in the sunshine of public patronage, he feels that his heart is rendered invulnerable to your poisoned shafts. Read, and you shall find I have not been parsimonious of the means to grant you food and pleasure: errors there are, no doubt, and plenty of them, grammatical and typographical, all of which I might have corrected by an errata at the end of my volume; but I disdain the wish to rob you of your office, and have therefore left them just where I made them, without a single note to mark them out; for if all the thistles were rooted up, what would become of the asses? or of those

"Who pin their easy faith on critic's sleeve,

And, knowing nothing, ev'ry thing believe?"

Fully satisfied that swarms of literary blow flies will pounce upon the errors with delight, and, buzzing with the ecstasy of infernal joy, endeavour to hum their readers into a belief of the profundity of their critic erudition;—I shall nevertheless, with Churchill, laughingly exclaim—"Perish my muse"

"If e'er her labours weaken to refine

The generous roughness of a nervous line."

Bernard Blackmantle.

Contents Page Images

Table of Contents

[1]—[2]—[3]—[4]—[5]—[6]

CONTENTS. Page

INTRODUCTION 3

PREFACE, IN IMITATION OF THE FIRST SATIRE OF

PERSIUS 5

REFLECTIONS, ADDRESSED TO THOSE WHO CAN

THINK.

Reflections of an Author—Weighty Reasons for writing—

Magister Artis Ingeniique Largitor Venter—Choice of Subject

considered—Advice of Index, the Bookseller—Of the Nature

of Prefaces—How to commence a new Work 7

A FEW THOUGHTS ON MYSELF 14

A SHANDEAN SCENE, BETWEEN LADY MARY OLD—

STYLE AND HORATIO HEARTLY 17

SCHOOL—BOY REMINISCENCES. ON EARLY FRIEND—

SHIP 22

CHARACTER OF BERNARD BLACKMANTLE. BY

HORATIO HEARTLY 25

ETON SKETCHES OF CHARACTER 32

THE FIVE PRINCIPAL ORDERS OF ETON—DOCTOR,

DAME, COLLEGER, OPPIDAN, AND CAD. A

Sketch taken opposite the Long Walk 42

ETON DAMES; AN ODE, NEITHER AMATORY, ILL—

NATURED, NOR PATHETIC 43

ELECTION SATURDAY.

A Peep at the Long Chambers—The Banquet—Reflections

on parting—Arrival of the Provost of King's College, Cam—

bridge, and the Pozers—The Captain's Oration—Busy Monday

—The Oppidan's Farewell—Examination and Election of the

Collegers who stand for King's—The aquatic Gala and Fire—

works—Oxonian Visitors—Night—Rambles in Eton—Transfor-

mations of Signs and Names—The Feast at the Christopher,

with a View of the Oppidan's Museum, and Eton Court of

Claims 58

AN ETON ELECTION SCENE 59

HERBERT STOCKHORE, THE MONTEM POET

LAUREATE.

A Sketch from the Life, as he appeared in the Montem

Procession of May, 1823. By Bernard Blackmantle and

Robert Transit 67

LIFE IN ETON; A College Chaunt in praise of private

Tutors 68

RECOLLECTIONS OF AN OLD ETONIAN 78

ETON MONTEM 96

FAREWELL TO ETON 105

MY VALE 108

THE FRESHMAN.

Reflections on leaving Eton University—A Whip—Sketches

on the Road—The Joneses of Jesus—Picturesque Appearance

of Oxford from the Distance—The Arrival—Welcome of an

Old Etonian—Visit to Dr. Dingyman—A University Don—

Presentation to the Big Wig—Ceremony of Matriculation 113

CHRIST CHURCH COLLEGE.

Architectural Reminiscences—Descriptive Remarks—Simi-

litude between the Characters of Cardinal Wolsey and

Napoleon 129

THE DINNER PARTY.

Bernard Blackmantle's Visit to Tom Echo—Oxford Phrase-

ology—Smuggled Dinners—A College Party described—

Topography of a Man's Room—Portrait of a Bachelor of Arts

—Hints to Freshmen—Customs of the University 132

COLLEGE SERVANTS.

Descriptive Sketch of a College Scout—Biography of Mark

Supple—Singular Invitation to a Spread 146

TAKING POSSESSION OF YOUR ROOMS.

Topography of a vacant College Larium—Anecdotes and

Propensities of Predecessors—A Long Shot—Scout's List of

Necessaries—Condolence of University Friends 151

THE EXCURSION TO BAGLEY WOOD 157

WESTERN ENTRANCE INTO THE METROPOLIS.

A descriptive Sketch.

General Views of the Author relative to Subject and Style

—Time and Place—Perspective Glimpse of the great City—

The Approach—Cockney Salutations—The Toll House—

Western Entrance to Cockney Land—Hyde Park—Sunday

Noon-Sketches of Character, Costume, and Scenery—The

Ride and Drive—Kensington Gardens—Belles and Beaux-

Stars and fallen Stars—Singularities of 1824-Tales of Ton-

On Dits and Anecdotes—Sunday Evening—High Life and

Low Life, the Contrast—Cockney Goths—Notes, Biographical,

Amorous, and Exquisite 164

THE OPERA.

The Man of Fashion—Fop's Alley—Modern Roué and

Frequenters—Characteristic Sketches in High Life—Blue

Stocking Illuminati—Motives and Manners—Meeting with

the Honourable Lillyman Lionise—Dinner at Long's—Visit

to the Opera—Joined by Bob Transit—A Peep into the

Green Room—Secrets behind the Curtain—Noble Amateurs

and Foreign Curiosities—Notes and Anecdotes by Horatio

Heartly 198

THE ROYAL SALOON.

Visit of Heartly, Lionise, and Transit—Description of the

Place—Sketches of Character—The Gambling Parsons—Horse

Chaunting, a true Anecdote—Bang and her Friends—Moll

Raffle and the Marquis W.—he Play Man—The Touter—

The Half-pay Officer—Charles Rattle, Esq.—Life of a modern

Roue—B———the Tailor—The Subject—Jarvey and Brooks

the Dissector—"Kill him when you want him" 205

THE SPREAD, OR WINE PARTY AT BRAZEN-NOSE.

A College Wine Party described—Singular Whim of

Horace Eglantine—Meeting of the Oxford Crackademonians

—Sketches of Eccentric Characters, drawn from the Life—

The Doctor's Daughter—an old Song—A Round of Sculls—

Epitaphs on the Living and the Dead—Tom Tick, a College

Tale—The Voyagers—Notes and Anecdotes 221

THE OXFORD RAKE'S PROGRESS 233

TOWN AND GOWN, AN OXFORD ROW.

Battle of the Togati and the Town—Raff—A Night—Scene in

the High-Street, Oxford—Description of the Combatants—

Attack of the Gownsmen upon the Mitre—Evolutions of the

Assailants—Manoeuvres of the Proctors and Bull—Dogs—

Perilous Condition of Blackmantle and his Associates, Eglan-

tine, Echo, and Transit—Snug Retreat of Lionise—The High—

Street after the Battle—Origin of the Argotiers, and Inven-

tion of Cant—phrases—History of the Intestine Wars and

Civil Broils of Oxford, from the Time of Alfred—Origin

of the late Strife—Ancient Ballad—Retreat of the Togati—

Reflections of a Freshman—Black Matins, or the Effect of

late Drinking upon early Risers—Visit to Golgotha, or the

Place of Sculls—Lecture from the Big—Wigs—Tom Echo

receives Sentence of Rustication 246

TOWNE AND GOWNE 263

THE STAGE COACH, OR THE TRIP TO BRIGHTON.

Improvements in Travelling—Contrast of ancient and

modern Conveyances and Coachmen—Project for a new Land

Steam Carriage—The Inn—yard at the Golden Cross, Charing

Cross—Mistakes of Passengers—Variety of Characters—Ad-

vantages of the Box—seat—Obstructions on the Road—A

Pull—up at the Elephant and Castle—Move on to Kennington

Common—New Churches—Civic Villas at Brixton—Modern

Taste in Architecture described—Arrival at Croydon; why

not now the King's Road?—The Joliffe Hounds—A Hunting

Leader—Anecdotes of the Horse, by Coachee—The new

Tunnel at Reigate—The Baron's Chamber—The Golden Ball

—the Silver Ball—and the Golden Calf—Entrance into

Brighton 274

THE PROPOSITION.

Family Secrets—Female Tactics—How to carry the Point 287

SKETCHES AT BRIGHTON.

The Pavilion Party—Interior described—Royal and Noble

Anecdotes—The King and Mathews 292

CHARACTERS ON THE BEACH AND STEYNE,

BRIGHTON.

On Bathing and Bathers—Advantages of Shampooing—

French Decency—Brighton Politeness—Sketches of Character

—The Banker's Widow—Miss J——s—Mrs. F——1—Peter

Paragraph, he London Correspondent—J—k S——h—The

French Consul—Paphian Divinities—C—— L——, Esq.

Squeeze into the Libraries—The new Plunging Bath—

Chain Pier—Cockney Comicalities—Royal Gardens—The

Club House 305

METROPOLITAN SKETCHES.

Heartly, Echo, and Transit start for a Spree—Scenes by

Daylight, Starlight, and Gaslight—Black Monday at Tatter—

sail's—The first Meeting after the Great St. Leger—Heroes of

the Turf paying and receiving—Dinner at Fishmongers' Hall

—Committee of Greeks—The Affair of the Cogged Dice—A

Regular Break—down—Rules for the New Club—The Daffy

Club, or a Musical Muster of the Fancy: striking Portraits—

Counting the Stars—Covent Garden, what it was and what it

is—The Finish—Anecdotes of Characters—The Hall of Infamy,

alias the Covent Garden Hell 327

VISIT TO WESTMINSTER HALL.

Worthies thereof—Legal Sketches of the Long Robe—An

Awkward Recognition—Visit to Banco Regis—Surrey Col—

legians giving a Lift to a Limb of the Law—Out of Rule and in

Rule—"Thus far shalt thou go, and no further"—Park

Rangers personified—Visit to the Life Academy, Somerset

House—R. A—ys of Genius reflecting on the true Line of

Beauty—Peep into the Green Rooms of the two Theatres Royal,

Drury Lane and Covent Garden—Bernard Blackmantle

reading his new Play and Farce—The City Ball at the Mansion

House—The Squeeze—Civic Characters—Return to Oxford—

Invite to Cambridge—Jemmy Gordon's Frolic—Term ends 355