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Parents Share Their Views on the Value Respect
Respect
Respect is a positive feeling or action shown towards someone or something considered important, or held in high esteem or regard…it is also the process of honoring someone by exhibiting care, concern, or consideration for their needs or feelings. (Wikipedia 2018)
Respect your efforts. Respect yourself. Self-respect leads to self-discipline. When you have both firmly under your belt, that’s real power.
—Clint Eastwood
It’s important to begin with the value respect, as it is the foundation for positive human relationships and the building block for warm, nurturing, effective parent-child relationships. Parents need to understand and accept the value of first respecting themselves so they can fully understand and accept the value of respecting their children. Respect is a positive force in the child-rearing process. When parents have high regard for themselves and understand the critical role they play in the lives of their children, they will, most likely (naturally), demonstrate respect for their children in the way they relate to them, that is, holding them in high regard and taking adequate care of their needs and concerns to the fullest extent that they can.
Parental self-respect leads to their demonstration of respect for their children, which in turn leads to children’s development of self-respect and in turn their respect for others. It is a winning continuum.
As a parent, how do you define the concept or value of respect, including self-respect?
How do you show respect for yourself, your child or children, and others?
Marguerite Anderson
Respect for me is understanding other people’s boundaries. It’s a general way of interacting with other people. For me it always comes back to kindness and understanding that different people have different things that work for them. So just bearing in mind that what works for you may not work for someone else and just having the overall view that you should be mindful of that. You should be caring when dealing with other people. So in terms of how we teach our son, George respect, we basically set boundaries for him; we tell him, “Now, George, you can’t do these things because you would hurt Mommy,” or “If you’re trying to hit Mommy that hurt,” or “You can’t throw your utensils on the ground because that’s disrespectful. Other people have to clean it up. It’s not what we do when we’re at the table. We use our manners.” That one is a little more challenging. He’s not throwing food as much as he did even a week ago. He’s learning the word done, so he’s following instructions now; he’s now saying “Done” before he starts throwing and hitting me with things. But he has paused, which is good. With respect you have to repeat often; you have to teach them rules.
Christopher Blanchard
Having respect is being there for another person and not doing the wrong thing but doing what’s right for that person, not just doing your own thing. It’s about being loyal to that person and following the rules and orders you set for yourselves. Self-respect is also very important. It’s being important to yourself and doing what you feel is right. It’s very important because you need to set a good example for your children so you’re the person that they look up to, and they need you because they need to learn how to behave and how to act so they look at you as the person to show them what having self-respect means and setting the example of what is right and what is wrong.
Holly Blum
Respect is in your heart. Holding people in high esteem. And I think there’s an expectation, as far as I’m concerned, that you treat everybody respectfully. You don’t have to respect everybody, and you don’t have to agree with everybody, but you should treat them with respect. Everybody deserves to be treated that way; whether you agree with somebody’s values or whether you agree or disagree with somebody’s way of doing things, you still treat them respectfully. My expectation was that my child would treat other people respectfully too, even if she didn’t agree with them. It’s important because it’s closely connected to kindness and a willingness to understand, empathize, and be compassionate.
Robert Bovell
Respect is important for both parents and children. As a child develops, we look for how he/she is learning to be respectful. Children learn to respect parents from infancy, you know, “Don’t touch that, if you touch that, there’s an end result,” whether it’s punishment or maybe a corporal spanking on the bottom, or taking away a prize possession. So from these experiences children learn that “Oh, if I listened and obeyed my parents, these things won’t get taken away from me or I won’t be disciplined in this manner,” and that is a form of respect. Also, the manner in which we respond to our children and the person with whom we live, whether fiancée, or husband or wife, teaches a child how he should behave if he expects a certain response from others. This is what makes respect an important value and why parents should establish respect within a child by monitoring their behavior and their response to behavior around children. We need to underline the word respect when it comes to raising children. Once children hear cursing, or once they see abuse, they later find out that that’s a disrespectful behavior. So the more you teach of something, the less of the negative side you’re going to get to it.
Marlon Bovell
To me respect is a big one because I tend to use that word sometimes with the kids. I don’t think I say it to them; I probably say it around them and more so when I say, “You’re not going to disrespect me.” I think that’s what I may say to them.
Respect to me is appreciating what others do for you and with you and allowing them to make their own decisions, or allowing them to be their own person without damaging their well-being. When it comes to the children, I talk to them about respecting other people, and I also stress that they should not disrespect their parents. If we tell them something they should not talk back, or if they show attitude or a certain tone of voice, I tell them that that’s not respectful. I explain to them that we’re telling them these things because we know better and for their well-being.
As a husband and father, in thinking of how I demonstrate respect I always think about what a good friend of mine told me, my friend Sean. We talked before I got married. I was already a father, because I was stepping into the role as a stepdad. He said one thing that still resonates with me. He said, “You have to instantaneously be the person that you want your kids to become.” Those words resonate with me because I can’t be around my children and curse, smoke and hit their mother, or show lewd and bad behavior and then tell them not to do it. You know, there’s a time and place for everything. I leave certain language and certain behaviors behind when I’m around my kids, so my way of showing respect is to carry myself in a way that will not disrespect others I’m around or hurt their feelings. And I always try to be helpful when I can and show a positive attitude toward family, friends, and my kids. I try to carry myself in a way that I would want my kids to carry themselves.
One way that my children show me respect is that they listen when I speak to them. At this point in their lives, they don’t have a lot of responsibility outside of doing their homework and being respectful of people. So their main responsibility is cleaning their room and doing their homework. And if we tell them clean your room or do your homework and we have to say it over and over again, it seems to be disrespectful. But what I’m learning is that it’s not necessarily disrespect. It’s more so that their young mind is on something else and to them that particular thing is more important than what you as a parent ask them to do. I don’t think it’s intentional.
Shanice Bovell
Respect is something that I have taught my boys. I have taught them that to get respect, you have to give respect. As young black men, they have to always be respectful, especially to their elders. I think that’s a very important trait to have, as they’re already stereotyped as being the opposite. Respect is a way of life. It’s about how you treat other people and carry yourself.
Dorel Campbell-Adams
Respect includes self-respect. Whatever your kids see in you on a daily basis, they mimic, and they become you as individuals. They do what they see in their father and/or their mother. They use their father as an example of a male in society, and that’s what they carry on. That’s why I think it’s important that we exhibit self-respect. Of course, self-respect starts from within. First, respecting your body in the way that you take care of it, respecting your mind and the way you feed it with knowledge on a daily basis, and if that’s a routine in the home, it becomes routine for the kids. We carry children along up until they leave the home, and then they develop their own views on life, and we hope they will take with them good habits developed from these family routines, such as self-respect, and that these will become routine in their own lives. It’s going to carry them longer into life than if you are inconsistent with your views on certain things during their foundation years.
An example of consistency when it comes to self-respect or respect generally is parents being respectful to each other and not letting the kids see them being disrespectful to each other, such as being physically or verbally abusive to each other. If I accept that, then I am not valuing who I am, he’s not respecting me, and I don’t have enough self-respect to stop that behavior. I think sometimes it’s good that they see that we have disagreements, and they follow through and can see how the disagreements start and how they end. It shows that we still have a solid relationship and everything is fine. It’s okay to have disagreements, but mutual respect must be shown during disagreements.
Desiree DeFlorimonte
Respect can be defined as having the assurance and demonstrating high regard or confidence in yourself and others. I believe that showing care and consideration by thought, words, and deeds show that you value yourself and others. If you value yourself, you will think, say, and behave in ways that reflect this quality. I show respect when relating to myself, my child, and others. For example, I never use curse words or vulgarity, and when I overhear persons who do, to me they are exhibiting a lack of self-respect and respect for others. My personal mantra of “Divine Order” that comes from my love and respect for God emanates to my child, my family, and others. Respect begins with me. I am therefore more capable of respecting others if I first respect myself.
When I think about respect between my child Angel and me, it was imperative that I lead by example and demonstrate how to be respectful. One aspect of being a good parent was to train my child to be respectful to me, her elders, and those in authority. Again, I think about my mother teaching me the basic manners of saying, “Excuse me,” “Please,” and “Thank you” when requesting something and when the request is granted. Disrespect was never tolerated in our home, and I had the same expectations for Angel. At an early age, she was required to be respectful to family members and other adults, including her teachers. Once, when she refused to eat her dinner and her grandmother scolded her stating, “Do you know how many children are starving in Guyana and you are wasting good, good food?” Angel rudely responded, “Well, send it to them.” I immediately intervened and let her know that it was inappropriate to speak to her grandmother in that manner and she needed to apologize. I believe if a child is permitted to be disrespectful to her parents/grandparents, then she will not be respectful to any adult. It was important for me to nip disrespectful behavior in the bud and talk about more acceptable ways to speak with adults, void of screaming and losing my cool…not always an easy thing to do.
As Angel grew older, I realized that to show her respect, I had to be considerate of her feelings and show respect for her individuality, opinions, and accomplishments. There were occasions when my respectful relationship with my daughter meant being positive, giving praise, being supportive, showing empathy, and even apologizing when I made mistakes. Through the years, I learned and taught my child that respect should not be demanded but earned. I had to be the role model for my child to emulate being a respectful person.
Ryan Dickson
Respect is a sociological, cultural creation that is warranted and needed. I have an open view of respect—be flexible, listen, follow rules, do what works for human beings in the society as a whole, definitely respecting elders. Everybody is going to be one. Everybody was young at one time; it just makes sense. Elders have more knowledge, they’ve seen more things, and even that has value, so does respecting other people and respecting people’s space and giving them enough space to feel comfortable. You may not know their background or where they’re from and what their norms and traditions are, but there’s universal value in giving people space physically and getting consent for hugs and things of that nature. Then there’s creating space for people to speak up. You have a voice and a choice, and no matter what, choose to use them. And if you’re teetering on the brink of speaking up, or staying silent, consider strongly speaking up. Then there is respect for your life, to live your dreams, to live your lives to the fullest. When we don’t know how to do something, it’s okay to seek out the solution. That’s how I live out respect in my own life.
I’m always seeking out development—mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, socially—and I have an attitude of curiosity. That’s how I live in my own life. Of course, holding the doors for people, saying please and thank you, being respectful to my mom, and doing so as a parent as well. I practice respect with my children and other family members, and I think this is pretty much a way to command respect.
Richlyn Emanuel
I don’t talk bad about people. I respect his face; he respects mine. I’m respectful to everyone around me, even if we don’t like each other. You don’t tear each other down, you say hello, you don’t walk away. I don’t allow people to disrespect me. Once they do it one time, I leave them alone, because as a single mom, you can’t allow others to disrespect you and you can’t have your son see that because then he’ll think, “Well, that’s the way I treat women.”
I don’t allow my son Giovanni to disrespect me because the majority of his teachers in school are women. All the male role models in his life have shown him this is how you treat people, and this is how not to treat people. I try to maintain that; it’s hard sometimes, but I try.
Raymond Fisher
Respect is probably the cornerstone of all these four values. You have to have self-respect. You have to love yourself and know yourself and always be seeking self-improvement to show and teach others, especially your children. Respect is a two-way street. You have to give it to get it. It sounds like a cliché, but it’s very simple in its complexity. You set boundaries, and you have to adhere to them. What you most often see in a lot of homes of people who have challenges with their children is, as the boundaries are set, there is not a clear line on who the adult is and who the child is and people have to learn something that I don’t think is in any book. It’s something that you learn early on, that the children in your life will push those boundaries. They’re going to challenge those boundaries, and you have to be steadfast in things, such as setting curfews and building expectations of what you want from your children, such as educational excellence, spiritual growth, being able to take care of yourself, cleanliness, and so on. There’s a unique science to it. The respect aspect, like I said before, is the cornerstone because it helps you to build on everything else. In the end, it’s the most important dynamic of the parent-child relationship.
I demonstrate respect for my children by being transparent and honest with them. That’s the first part. I let them know that we’re all human and we’re not perfect. I don’t know that their generation does it, but I know in my generation, we put our parents on a pedestal. Mom and Dad could do no wrong, and when they did wrong, it was a great disappointment. I experienced that in my life with my father. The biggest letdown with my dad was when he fell prey to alcoholism, had a nervous breakdown, and suffered through that emotional challenge. It was very disappointing because I had set him up on such a high pedestal. So I am very transparent and honest with my kids. And I do that to teach them the ways of the real world. You have to be honest and transparent to a degree with everybody that you deal with in relationships. It comes with trust and honesty on both sides. I tell my kids that they’re going to make mistakes; the key is not to keep making the same mistakes. I tell them to take counsel when it’s given to them and in the vein that it’s given to them, in love, not because I’m trying to be strict or hard on them, but I know what it takes to survive and sustain productively in life.
Martine Gordon
For me, first and foremost, when you say respect in the context of parenting, I think immediately of the respect that I can demonstrate and show to my child. That includes demonstrating self-respect for myself so that she can also understand that you should respect yourself in addition to feeling others should respect you. You shouldn’t assume people won’t respect you. Culturally, I come from a family in which the children are not necessarily their priorities or their needs aren’t considered first, and that’s a cultural thing in my background, and I as a parent try to disagree with that. I try to consider how my daughter might be feeling in new situations, consider that she might not remember Auntie So-and-So from last year, and so I’m not just going to throw her in her arms when auntie comes to visit; you know, she might be intimidated by that. So for me, it’s both demonstrating that as a role model, I should respect myself, but also thinking from her perspective that I respect her as a person even though she’s very young.
I’ve always struggled with being self-deprecating in my language, not necessarily in my professional life, but when I’m home or with my family, and as I’ve become a parent, one example of how I’ve tried to demonstrate self-respect is by not being self-deprecating, not apologizing for things that don’t require an apology, and just demonstrating that I am worthwhile as a person in small ways, obviously not being over the top and having all sorts of hubris, but demonstrating that I’m a person, I’m an individual, and I think for a woman raising a daughter, that’s really important for me to demonstrate to my daughter that she can be a strong, respected individual.
Justin Hampton
Respect is treasuring, as valuable, the uniqueness and position that someone has. I try to make sure that I’m doing so in front of my children and I’m getting better at it. In reference to me and my wife in terms of how we respect one another and one another’s opinion in front of the children, we have to get better at that because we disagree a lot. We’re not one to yell or scream or argue outright, but our disagreements can probably come to each other at times, and I can see that in the way the kids interact with each other. I can tell they’re mirroring and gleaning certain things. I try to pull them to the side and try to get to the bottom of it. I may say, “Is this something you learned at your school?” “Was somebody in school saying that?” “Why do you say that to your brother?” “Where do you hear that?” If I can identify something they learned at home, I try to correct them, but I make sure that I don’t belittle them in the way that I correct them, in the way that I address them, to make sure that I’m building them up in whatever sort of correcting I’m doing so that they never feel like, “Well, when Daddy has something to say, or when I mess up, he doesn’t care about me,” or “He doesn’t love me.” In correcting, it’s always comes back to “You know I love you, right? But we have to fix this.” So I try to make sure they understand they are also respected.
Leticia Herrera
Well, self-respect, I believe that is the key for every individual. If I do not respect myself, I will not expect to be respected. So I set a standard for myself and passed it on to my son to ensure that he knows the difference between respecting himself and his expectation to be respected. It doesn’t matter what age. I emphasized throughout David’s childhood how important it is to respect other people. That’s the way I raised him, to respect himself and make sure that he will respect everyone else regardless the age, race, or the place or region the individual comes from. He can show respect to people by taking time to look at the person or listen to the person and respect what they have to say. Then he can talk back and share his views and how he feels. Just make sure the other person, regardless of their education or background, will be able to feel respected and valued.
I do believe that by him seeing the way I treat myself and how I treat all people has given him an example of how to treat himself and other people, and that’s what he’s doing because he respects others and he respects himself. When he and I have a conversation, if he doesn’t agree with what I am saying, he will respect that, but then he will come back to me and say, “This is my point, but I respect your opinion because that’s the way you were raised. I know that you grew up in a different time, but this is a different time, and I do respect what it is right now, and I know that you don’t agree.” That’s how we communicate. He will show respect, and he will take whatever is useful for his life. He will also respect what his stepfather says, also anyone who will give him advice, like my family and friends and his friends, because he has seen me do that.
Joseph Kijewski
I think you always have to teach by example, and that’s the best way to teach in any situation, but especially with children. Be the person you want them to grow up to be. Model that person.
Going back to my own childhood, I came from a family with an alcoholic father and a lot of issues with physical abuse and things like that, and I always knew what kind of parent I didn’t want to be. I wanted to be a parent, and I thought I could do it much better. The behaviors that my father modeled, I would never want to take up myself or pass on to anyone else and increase the stress. He grew up in the same kind of household, and that’s what he saw, that’s what he learned, and that’s what he lived with us growing up. Luckily, my mother was very much the opposite. She was an excellent parent. I didn’t have a good model as a father, but I think you have to model for your child conduct that you want to see from them. If you’re not respectful toward your spouse, you’re raising someone who, when they’re married, is not going to be respectful toward their spouse. If you’re having temper tantrums in front of your children, they’re going to have temper tantrums. If you’re disrespectful, or dismissive of others, that’s what they’re going to adopt. I’ve seen it across the spectrum of my family. I’ve seen it with my siblings and my cousins, I’ve seen their traits showing up in their children, and I believe it’s the modeling that you do in front of your children that’s going to influence them more than anything else.
So with something like respect, I’ve always tried to be respectful to my wife. We disagree on things at times, but we’re never disrespectful toward each other. We disagree on things like adults, you know, we’re on the same page when it comes to the children, and the children are always free to disagree with me. They’re free. They’ve always been free to disagree with me, but in a respectful fashion. And it’s my hope that in their relationships as adults, they’ll be carrying on that same behavior as parents.
There are certain parental behaviors that I consider to be disrespectful toward the children, the worst being anything involving physical abuse or physical violence. Children should never be seeing that. It doesn’t have to be you doing it yourself; it’s what you allow them to watch on TV. It could be choosing to expose them to that what you watch on TV in front of them, what movies you take them to, what music you listen to. I think it all goes into that. So if you’re taking enjoyment in something that is of questionable value, something that is demeaning of somebody else, whether or not you’re the person doing it, I think that the example for your child will be that “This is fun, this is something to be enjoyed, this is something that can be done,” you know, speaking disparagingly in the crudest ways about this person or that person. It’s fine. But it’s really not fine. You’re setting up a pattern that is going to be harmful to them. It’s not making them a better person in the world.
Errol Marks
Well, respect starts with self-respect, and if you don’t have any self-respect, you can’t expect anyone to respect you. And I think you should work on the core value of self-respect. Once you understand yourself and understand how to respect yourself, you’ll find that respecting others is automatic, and it’s applied to the children as well. I’ve learned that the strategy to earning their respect is actually letting them know what you will accept and what you won’t accept without being domineering, without having to force of coerce that from them. And that would play into reciprocity as well.
I treat my children differently from how I was treated as a child. I treat them somewhere in between contemporary and conventional parenting. I appeal to their intellect, as in saying to them, “You know how you enjoy spending time with me at my house,” “You know why you’re coming here,” “You know what motivates you to want to be here,” and “You know what you love about being here.” So if something were to happen that would cause you to not act according to what will allow a good time, ask yourself, are you willing to risk that? Are you willing to spoil everyone’s mood or spoil everyone’s fun? I tell them simply, “Don’t make me do my job.” It’s something I learned from being a corrections officer; I would tell the inmates, “Don’t make me do my job. Everybody will be fine if you do what you’re supposed to do, what’s expected of you. Then you can do whatever you want afterward.” It’s a simple rule, but I’m not like a warden when it comes to my girls. I ask them, “Well, hey, you didn’t clean up your room, tell me how that makes you feel. Why wouldn’t you care about that?”
I start a conversation because I’m not so strict on the rules and I don’t want them to live in fear of me and fear of my wrath. Of course, they know when they cross a certain line that I go into that mode and they are well aware of that, and they have an understanding that if they don’t do this or that, Dad’s going to be upset, and when he’s upset, nobody has fun, and he doesn’t want to be upset either. So I never let them cross my boundaries. I always stand by my boundaries, and that’s it. They are hard and fast, and I help them to understand that. My boundaries are hard and fast, but there’s a lot of room in between to enjoy the space they’re allowed to live in. It’s not respect derived from fear. It’s not oppressive, it’s not respect derived from fear, because I give them the respect as well, so it is reciprocal. And you should not think of them as your property as some people do. I call that third world parenting, especially being Chinese. I know some parents can be in total control of their kids. I don’t want to control my kids. I don’t want them to be controllable. I want them to be independent thinkers; however, they are free to do what they want to do within certain boundaries.
I’m not raising my kids in any way that I was raised, more or less. I’m kind of questioning everything and doing what I think is right because I remember what it was like being a child growing up with certain personal attributes, like fears. I had fears and certain behavioral patterns that developed as a child that I attribute to how I was raised. But that’s blaming. I could blame my parents as a child, but I can’t blame my parents as an adult. So taking responsibility, I have managed to curtail certain learned behaviors so as to not have them waterfall down onto my children. I’ve learned to stop myself and to do the opposite. For example, instead of yelling at them, I would appeal to their intellect. I don’t want my kids to feel inferior or incompetent; I don’t want them to rebel as I did growing up.
Maxine Maloney
I define respect as how we approach and treat others and how we feel and then even treat ourselves. I want to share a caveat that I started with my daughter from very young from when she could speak, and she spoke very early—she started talking at ten months. There’s something that we have, and those are values and characteristics tied to our family values; there’s respect. And it was important that she learned very young about having respect for others—and others means humans, animals, the environment, the earth, and all the things that you have. So it’s treating others as you would like to be treated, and she’s been having that notion of empathy be part of that notion of respect. When it comes to self-respect, it’s having pride in who you are and what you do, and so who you are is carrying yourself in a way that people will treat you well and recognize your gifts and not give them opportunities to disrespect you. I model that by how I speak to my daughter, Zaria, how I speak to others, and then when I see those behaviors that are disrespectful or lack self-respect, I will immediately point those out. I started that really early and even used open-ended questions, like, “How did you feel when you saw that?” or “How did you feel when you said that?” or “How do you think the persons felt when this happened?” Because that notion of respect has to be an anchor in who we are so that we learn to treat others well and first and foremost treat ourselves well.
From very early on for Zaria, I would use that word respect—even before she could fully even understand the notion of respect is just part of our vernacular—“I respect you,” “I respect that you did that, but here’s how I feel.” And then when she did things, I would say, “Do you think that was respectful?” Respect is really part of our core family values and part of our character. Building character very early on is what I always did with Zaria before she could even really say full sentences. And thinking of that notion of respect for parents comes even when your babies are infants—respecting that when they cry, the cry is their way of speaking, and we respond to it and respect is listening and understanding the different tones, because there’s crying that I’m just expressing myself; there’s crying when I’m in pain; there’s crying when I’m hungry; there’s crying when I’m tired; and from early on being able to really hone in and be in tune to those cries and your baby’s rhythm, I think, is an anchor and the beginnings of respect. Now that Zaria is a teenager, you know, respecting that she needs her own space and her own time; respecting that she needs to express herself, but she has to express herself in a respectful manner; and then when she does feel angry, or anxious or overwhelmed, recognizing that she’s human and it’s okay to feel that way. But expressing it in a respectful manner shows it doesn’t hurt others’ feelings, and when she does, in recognizing that she’s human, that when she does do it, I will say, “You know, Zaria, did you think it was respectful that you did that and did you think about how I felt?” Then when I realize that I had done something that wasn’t what I would consider respectful, being able to apologize to her and say, “I’m really sorry that I lashed out. I was angry” or “I was agitated” or “My mind was not able to take in what you were saying.”
Virgil McDonald
I had the opportunity to talk with our sons (unfortunately, our daughter passed away at a relatively young age) about these four concepts because I wanted to get their feedback. I was very pleased with what I heard from them. In general, they said that we did not teach them respect; they learned to be respectful from us. They were clear about what we would do and not do out of respect for each other. These patterns of behavior guided them, and they apply the same principles with their children.
Respect is being, first of all, respectful to you. If you respect yourself, you can easily respect others. One of my favorite quotes and a principle I have tried to live by is from Hamlet by William Shakespeare, “This above all to thine own self be true and it must follow, as the night the day that thou canst not thence be false to any man.” There are standards that you establish for yourself and your children. For example, we did not want our children to use profane language. Therefore, we did not utter vile words in their presence. I think my children were adults before they ever heard me curse. I learned that from my father. So I define respect as honoring the dignity of all persons.
I grew up in a family with both brothers and sisters, and my parents insisted that we respect each other—our privacy, dreams, and aspirations. In our family, modesty forbade us from being undressed or partially dressed in presence of each other. It was required that we get fully dressed before leaving our bedrooms in the morning. My children understood that this was the kind of respect we would show each other. If they had a goal, a dream, or an aspiration, we respected that. If we had to point out pitfalls, we always tried to do so without disparaging, belittling, or trivializing them or their dreams. We were supportive, but at the same time, we did not neglect our responsibility to lead and guide them.
Jacqueline Rose
I truly believe in Namaste.
The God, love, light, truth in me honors the God source in you as my child or my grandchild.
This intention is the cornerstone of RESPECT.
Joseph Shields
Respect, I think, is a lot about how you carry yourself and how, whether you want them to or not, how people are going to perceive you. We talk a lot about respect with our son, Christopher, as he gets older. Christopher is obviously biracial, and the perception of a black child matters differently in this world than it does, I would say, for white children and people of different races and ethnicities. So I think we are really trying to make sure we focus on both how Christopher presents himself and on him being aware of his social surroundings. That’s because he can easily be judged by other people as being highly articulate or as someone who gets himself in trouble. Because I’ve worked in the criminal justice system, I know people that get themselves into trouble are often enough affected by people, places, and things. So as a parent I’m mindful of being intentional about what I think is really, really important. Fortunately for us, both our children have been really, really good about that, particularly our son, as he gets older and thinks of being intentional about how he engages his folks and his friends, and in building peer support for himself and interacting with all the elders and family members. For myself, I would say, respect goes into some of the other values, and hopefully, I show myself to be and carry myself in a way that sets a good example within the family.
I’m probably the quietest one in our family dynamic, and sometimes my kids are surprised by the kind of a personality I may show to the public. Sometimes it’s a different dynamic; it’s business. I run my own company, and I’m very much a kind of alpha male and assertive, so it’s a different dynamic. And I try to share that with my kids as well, particularly my son; he’s seen me in a bunch of different environments, from professional settings coming to work, owning and running a $100 million agency, working in the private sector or at home, then out socially.
We don’t have an around-the-kitchen-table lesson learned time where we’ll work through issues; it’s really facing issues calmly, hopefully facilitating a process where my son and daughter know what things mean and how they want to execute solutions.
Halima Thorne
I’ve always been taught to have respect for others. That is something that was shown in my household. Not that it was taught in a book; it was basically demonstrated and shown to have respect for others. If we didn’t show respect for others, there were consequences. My parents definitely taught me to have respect for others.
Now for self-respect—I definitely have respect for myself, but I think that I had to learn that going through life. Of course, there were some challenges that I had to find out by loving myself. Since I didn’t love myself at one time, I didn’t respect myself. I’m going through that phase in my life where I figured it out by seeking therapy, just talking and being more open about what is going on with me and how to improve myself. So working on myself, I’ve learned to love myself and have more respect for myself. It’s not to say I was doing incriminating things out there, but you know, what helped me was knowing my self-worth, being aware of it, acknowledging it, and getting help when I needed it.
I show respect to Carter by loving him, giving him all the hugs and kisses that I can, making sure that he has everything he needs at the current moment, from diapers to having a roof over his head and clothes on his back. I show my respect to my child. I will go above and beyond for him if I have to, just to make things right for him.
Barbara VanDyke
For me, self-respect is demonstrating or modeling the type of behavior that you are teaching or training your child and demonstrating the same values you’re instilling in your child. And I know respect goes across a wide spectrum, but I’m keeping it narrow to the parent/child relationship. I believe it’s disrespectful to demonstrate all the things that are unlike what you’re teaching and the expectations that you have for your child. For example, if what you’re teaching is, “You are special,” “You are God’s child,” “You are beautiful,” then you need to exemplify or demonstrate to your child that you are the same way and you feel the same way about yourself and not demonstrate behaviors that teach the child or show examples to the child that you don’t have those same beliefs of yourself.
As parents, there are behaviors that we don’t encourage, and we try to ensure that our children don’t inculcate these behaviors. So we kind of manage their social relationships and peer groups because we feel that we can see that that may not be right for them. Then we set those expectations and violate them ourselves in our own lives. I think it brings disrespect to the parent. It is disrespecting yourself, but disrespect, like I said, is vast. I probably should give vignettes to explain more about respect, but I’ll put that on hold and get to the next question.
Ten Things about Respect
Respect is about showing care and consideration in thought, word, and deed. It’s about showing that you have high regard for yourself and others. Respect is about honoring the dignity of all persons.
Showing respect is doing what is right for others. It’s about kindness, understanding, empathy, and compassion. It’s about having concern for the well-being of others and being mindful of how you behave in their presence.
Teaching respect requires that parents teach children rules and frequently repeat these rules. It takes more than one lesson for children to learn the rules. The more parents teach what is expected, the less negativity they’ll get from the children.
Respect is an important dynamic of the parent-child relationship in which parents teach by example. When parents fully understand the value of self-respect, their respect for the children and others will become automatic.
Parents can show respect for their children by allowing the children to share their views, opinions, and feelings and by attentively listening to them. Parents can also allow their children to disagree with them as long as they do so in a respectful manner. Parents should respect their children’s goals, dreams, and aspirations.
Parental respect for their children begins during pregnancy and is openly expressed in infancy through their responses to the infant’s crying and other behaviors that place demands on the parents.
If you respect your life, you will live it to the fullest. You will live out your dreams, and you will also focus on your personal development as an example for your children. Parents ought to be mindful that they model the expectations they express to their children and that they do not violate these expectations in their own lives.
It’s all right to have disagreements in families as long as there is no physical or verbal abuse. When children witness the resolution of conflicts between their parents, they get a sense of how mutual respect is demonstrated in relationships.
Consider the cultural aspects of respect when interacting in culturally diverse settings. These include, but are not limited to, physical space, acceptable ways of greeting someone, and cultural differences in parental beliefs and practices.
Respect for racial and cultural differences is played out in our society’s criminal justice system, and it is important for parents to teach their children how they are perceived and judged within and outside their communities, as well as the ramifications of their behavior outside their homes.
