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4 Getting Sociable: Six Months to Two Years

~ Times change – does the advice stay the same? ~

It is very common practice to leave a baby crying for hours on end in his pram outside the house, with nothing to do but a brick wall to see, when all he wants is something to watch.

For many parents, this stage of babyhood feels like the easiest. Your baby can sit up, but can’t move about too much yet. She can play with toys to a limited extent, and at around nine months¹ she develops the ability to grasp objects between her fingers and thumb, so she gets pretty good at playing with her toys. Many parents don’t really notice this ability emerging, but the use of the opposing thumb is one of the most important evolutionary developments that sets us apart from other apes.

Now she really feels strong affection for you and for all her immediate family, but this means she hates separation, and it also means she is scared of strangers. One theory about ‘fear of strangers’ is that it serves the same sort of function as imprinting in ducklings. Baby ducks are impelled to follow the first animal they catch sight of straight after hatching (usually, of course, this is their Mum), but human babies can’t walk at birth, so they have developed another way of staying safe. Their method is to make a loud noise when they’re little so that an adult will pick them up and keep them safe. Their cooing and smiling then seduces that adult into wanting to stay near.

At around eight months, however, babies develop the ability to move and might start to crawl away; that’s when the fear of strangers emerges, thereby keeping a baby safe by ensuring that she will not want to lose sight of her parent.

Of course the problem for you is that this deep attachment/fear of strangers is probably happening at the same time as you are returning to work! It is worth pre-empting this by ensuring that your baby gets used to your child carer long before you return; perhaps, if possible, before the fear of strangers really takes hold.

Your baby at this stage is amenable, sociable and usually content if her three needs are met. These needs are perhaps easiest to meet at this stage. Her higher brain is maturing, so she is beginning to learn self-control, as well as making more sense of what is going on around her. She might cry briefly to attract your attention, but then she will stop and wait for your response.

DID YOU KNOW?

Paediatrician Donald Winnicott (1896–1971) recognized these attachment objects as mother-substitutes. Your baby chooses them to represent you, so that she can cope with your absences. Children who bed-share with their parents for extended periods seem to have less need for a comforter; at the other end of the spectrum, children who were raised in orphanages and were severely deprived of love and affection also did not develop transitional objects or comforters, perhaps because they didn’t become attached to a mother in the first place. French obstetrician Michel Odent suggests that attachment objects are the ‘healthy reaction of a normal child to a special situation’. ²

Step One: Feeding

Feeds are becoming far more regular, and you will be introducing solids, so her intake of food is beginning to tune in with your own. You will now start to work towards three main meals of milk plus some solids, as well as between-meal milk feeds, and a late-night feed. She might need the occasional feed for comfort in an emergency, but comfort, on the whole, will mostly come from a cuddle with a favourite person.

This is one of the most adventurous times of your baby’s gastronomic life, so make the most of it! By the time she is mobile, she may become fussy about what she eats, so it is worth introducing a variety of tastes into her diet at this stage.

Step Two: Comfort

ATTACHMENT OBJECTS OR ‘CUDDLIES’

Many new parents dislike the idea of a bit of cloth or a soft toy as an attachment object, but children may choose one themselves if you don’t find one for them. My first baby never chose a cuddly, my second, fortunately, became attached to a particular pillowcase cover (one of three), but my third baby selected a toy squirrel – a gift from Finland. We went through hell trying to find a replacement when ‘Bobby’ went missing!

If you are keen to chose an appropriate attachment object for your baby, make sure it has no buttons for eyes or nose, that there are no removable pieces of fabric, and that it is small and easy to hold and manipulate.

DID YOU KNOW? – carrying your child may make her brainier!

Don’t worry if you seem to spend time carrying and jiggling your baby – you are helping her vestibular system develop, which is important, not only for balance, walking and general movement, but for general intelligence. Children with learning difficulties often have vestibular deficits – their sense of balance and co-ordination is often under-par.⁴ In one study, researchers compared babies who had regular sessions being swung in different positions at regular intervals to stimulate their balance system, with babies who did not receive this extra treatment, and found that the babies with the extra stimulation were more advanced in their motor skills like sitting, crawling, standing and walking.⁵

The soothing strategies you used in the first six months are less effective now, but also less necessary. Now she may well be content to know you are near; she may need less holding and carrying for comforting; carrying becomes instead a more efficient way of getting around the world – it gives her a better view!

It’s fine to hold and carry your baby if you want to and can manage it; research seems to suggest that the more you meet your baby’s needs at this age, the more independent she will be when she’s older.³ Often a quick cuddle, though, will soothe her. Her reasons for crying might be more obvious at this age, although of course this is the time when teeth erupt, which most babies seem to find pretty uncomfortable, and many want to increase milk feeds when teeth are bothering them.

Step Three: Sleep

Your baby should by now have a settled sleep pattern, day and night. Her sleep cycle is now similar to yours, she is capable of sleeping deeply, and most sleep positions are safe now, although she should still not have a duvet or pillows. Now is a good time, therefore, to move her into her own room if that is what you want to do. She should have a good bedtime and night-time routine, as well as a good routine of daytime naps.

• The three steps are really only a way of thinking about your day at this stage, in that she should have regular daytime naps, a good bedtime routine, and should be able to sleep through the night without disturbing you. You can move her into her own room if you want. Comforting at this stage should be relatively easy, and feeding will start to tune in to your own meal times, although of course there will still be lots of between-meal milk feeds.

Samuel seemed to be a very ‘suckly’ baby, so the first few weeks were extremely taxing and challenging, trying to work out if the cry was for feed or comfort. After about four weeks I decided to try a dummy, despite being so opposed to them pre-baby. The result was amazing and I was able to eat a meal without constantly having to pick him up. Fantastic! I only used it when I felt sure the cry was for comfort, and I didn’t use it at night to begin with, but after a couple of months I decided to use it after his bath and feed just to get him off to sleep. It worked, as he would spit it out once off to sleep.

At six months I decided to dispose of the dummy, as I was paranoid that he would come to rely on it and had visions of him walking around at the age of four with it stuck in his mouth – my worst nightmare. I wanted to lose it while he wasn’t too aware of it. Not a problem. A few crying instances, which at the worst lasted 15 minutes, and after that he had no trouble falling off to sleep.

– Andrea, mother to Samuel

~ Times Change ~ Answer – 1954 ~

From Babies and Young Children by Ronald and Cynthia Illingworth, as quoted in Christina Hardyment, Dream Babies: Child-care from Locke to Spock (Jonathan Cape, 1983)