Читать книгу All That Is Left Of Us - Catherine Miller - Страница 16

Chapter 5

When the time came it was too soon. Not in the sense the baby was early; it was just Dawn wasn’t ready. She’d always known the baby wasn’t hers, but that didn’t make the fact that goodbye had arrived any easier. Her hospital bag might be packed, but there was no Moses basket set up to welcome the baby to her home. It might have been wrong, but she let another wave of contractions go by with her mobile phone still gripped in her hand. She needed to call Rebekah and David to let them know the time had come, but for now she wanted to take a moment. Right now, the baby was hers. This connection they’d shared was still real. It still existed and Dawn wanted to embrace it for a moment longer without anyone else knowing.

As soon as she made the call it would signal goodbye to this intimacy they’d shared. There’d be no more quiet moments when she would caress her bump or enjoy a flutter of movement. In theory, the baby remained hers until the umbilical cord was cut, but this whole process was for the benefit of her brother and sister-in-law and, as soon as she rang them, there would be no more moments like this. It was hard to admit she was more attached than she ever thought she would be.

‘Arghh.’ Dawn let out a yelp. This contraction was stronger than the last, Mother Nature moving the process forward even when she was willing her to give them a little more time together. It was a good job Archie was at school so he didn’t have to worry about why his mother was writhing around in agony.

Mid-contraction, Dawn managed to tap out a text to her brother: Baby time!! It seemed the most inadequate way to let him know he was soon to become a father, but currently she was not able to form sentences, so it would have to do.

After that, she let Jane know so she would look after Archie for her. By the time all three of them arrived at the hospital, Dawn was at the point where she wasn't able to walk comfortably so she was wheeled in at speed.

‘What can I do for you?’ Rebekah asked as they were deposited into one of the labour rooms.

It was a simple enough question, but at this point in time it made Dawn want to cry. It signified the end of her journey as mother to this nearly newborn. ‘Go and find a midwife. Tell her I need some pain relief.’

‘I’ll go ask,’ David said. He was hovering by the doorway, not quite banned from the room yet.

‘Anything else?’ Rebekah asked, her smoky-blue eyes full of panic.

She was too close for Dawn’s liking. So, not wanting to actually ask her to back off, she got up from the chair and paced around the room, hoping to speed this part up. Another contraction stopped her in her tracks so she leant her hands on the bed, breathing through the pain that was overtaking her ability to function.

‘Can I rub your back? Will that help?’ Rebekah hovered over Dawn once more. She was only trying to be helpful. This was her labour. The one she’d never successfully reached herself.

Dawn shook her head. ‘No, it’s easing off now.’ She straightened up and started pacing again. ‘I’d just like to know how far dilated I am. Hopefully it won’t be too long and you’ll meet your little fella.’

Rebekah stopped shadowing Dawn, staying still for the first time since they’d arrived. ‘It’s a boy?’

The pain started to ramp up again and Dawn wasn’t able to dig herself out of the hole she’d dug. She hadn’t meant to let slip the fact she thought she knew the sex of the baby. ‘Maybe. I don’t know.’ Another contraction took hold.

‘So it’s just a guess? You don’t know for sure?’

Dawn was tempted to take up the offer of a back rub by way of diversion. She didn’t want to spoil the surprise. After all, she might not be right about what she thought she’d seen when they’d scanned all those weeks ago.

‘No, it’s just an instinct. A sixth sense. Don’t ask me why. I’ve just always thought it was a boy.’

‘Mother’s instinct.’ There was a sadness in Rebekah’s voice that made Dawn worry. This should be a day of jubilation for them, not one where she counted her inadequacies.

‘You’re the only one becoming a mother today and those instincts will kick in as soon as you have this baby in your arms.’ Dawn wasn’t sure if those facts needed pointing out, but certainly it wasn’t a time for Rebekah to go melancholic over not being the one in labour.

‘I know. I’ve waited a very long time for today. I just can’t believe it’s finally here. Somehow it doesn’t feel real.’

‘Oh, it’s real all right. And it fucking hurts. I can start squeezing your hand if that will help bring it home that you’re not dreaming.’

‘Do you want me to hold your hand?’

Dawn smiled at Rebekah’s eagerness to get it right. It was like some kind of extreme first date. ‘Not yet. Maybe later.’

‘I’m glad it’s a boy. I always wanted to know beforehand. It was David that didn’t. I think, by keeping the baby as neutral, there was less chance of getting hurt. It’s been so hard to believe we’d get this far even with you being surrogate. We never thought we’d get to this day.’

Dawn understood that caution. She’d been witness to the grief they’d suffered having gone through the ordeal of five lost pregnancies, none of them reaching the point where they would have been able to discover if it was a girl or a boy.

‘How are we getting on here?’ A cheery midwife entered the room with David in tow.

‘My contractions are pretty close. We can’t be far off.’ Dawn was over wanting to stroll around the room. She was getting to the point she wanted to push this baby out.

‘Fabulous. Well, I’m Melanie and I see from your notes that you’re the surrogate mum, so this must be the expectant mummy.’ Melanie smiled at Rebekah and they carried out introductions of who was who in this little triangle. ‘Well, it looks like I’m going to be your midwife if things are close. Do you want to pop up on the bed and we’ll take a look at how things are progressing?’

‘I’ll just be outside,’ David said, looking like he didn’t know what to do with himself.

‘You can just pop up the head end,’ Melanie suggested. ‘You won’t see anything if you keep your eyes averted.’

David’s gaze fell on Rebekah. They both looked like fish out of water, neither of them certain what to expect.

‘You can go at the head end, but no looking anywhere you shouldn’t,’ Dawn said. She wasn’t sure why she hadn’t thought about the fact the couple would need to be together during one of the most important moments of their life. She’d made the decision about her brother not being in the room early on, worried he would catch a glimpse of something she’d rather he didn’t. But at this moment, she realised it wasn’t about her dignity; it was about Rebekah and David becoming parents. They should both be in the room when it came to the main event.

Between contractions, Melanie managed to examine Dawn with a sheet keeping everything hidden. ‘Fully dilated, I’m glad to report. Let’s sort you out with some gas and air and I’d say we’re ready to go.’

‘Good.’ Because it really bloody hurt and Dawn was more than ready to start pushing. She writhed about with the agony of the next contraction before snatching the gas and air as soon as it was passed her way.

‘I should go,’ David said, starting to head out before things got messy.

‘Push,’ Melanie said, with the next contraction arriving.

‘No,’ Dawn said, only able to say one syllable.

‘You need to push, sweetheart. Baby’s ready to arrive.’ Melanie was trying to be helpful, encouraging, but she had the wrong end of the stick.

‘Stay.’ Dawn looked at her brother, wanting him to develop twin telepathy so she didn’t need to explain while having to push. He hadn’t left the room so that was enough to allow her to bear down and clench every available muscle in order to get the baby out.

Only once Dawn’s face relaxed again did David manage to speak.

‘I thought you didn’t want me in here. I don’t expect you to change your mind.’

Not being in a position to have a full-on conversation about it, Dawn resorted to barking instructions instead. ‘Go. Stand. Over. There.’ She pointed towards Rebekah before every muscle in her body racked up towards another push.

Feeling the need to be on all fours, she turned with some effort, and assistance from Melanie and Rebekah to keep her dignity. ‘You two need to be together for this. Only Rebekah is permitted to look down the business end, though,’ she managed to instruct between contractions.

Rebekah and David embraced, both smiling for the first time since they’d arrived. The time was almost upon them.

Leaving them to it, Dawn inhaled again on the gas and air, the pain becoming more intense with each contraction.

‘Right, we’re nearly there,’ Melanie informed her. ‘A few more pushes should do it.’

Dawn lost count of exactly how many waves of pain she endured after those words had been spoken, but they came quickly and all too soon it was over. That intense agony of having several pounds pass through a space that seemed way too small was done; the amazing miracle that was giving birth.

Dawn collapsed into the pillow. Having a baby on all fours was not the most dignified of poses, but it meant she didn’t have to look. She didn’t want to cast an eye straight away and fall in love. That was to be a moment for David and Rebekah. The baby started mewing.

‘It’s a boy. Anyone want to cut the cord?’ Melanie offered.

‘I will,’ Rebekah said, and somehow it seemed right she should be the one to do it. After all, the baby was her DNA and this act would signify the transfer of responsibility.

‘Take your shirt off,’ Dawn heard Melanie say.

Skin-to-skin time. The first stage of bonding. And it would be for Rebekah’s benefit as much as the baby.

As the baby’s crying continued, Dawn’s every instinct wanted to respond, but she counted to ten before she braved lifting her head from the pillow.

It was her brother with his shirt off, not Rebekah like Dawn had thought. He was caressing their creation in his arms and the sight was enough to drive her to tears.

‘Hi, little guy, I’m your daddy.’ There in David’s eyes was the moment they’d all been working on. It was clear to see the instant love that was forming. Rebekah’s gaze was just as taken with the newborn in the room.

‘This is your mummy.’ He moved the baby cautiously so Rebekah would be in his eye line even if she would be nothing more than a blurry outline as his eyes adjusted to the world. ‘And this is your very special auntie. Thank you, sis. Nothing we can ever say will cover this.’ David’s eyes glistened with tears.

It was enough for Dawn’s own to burst through. ‘Hi, baby nephew.’ She managed to smile through the tears, knowing how privileged they all were to be in this moment. Then a final contraction ripped through her body to remove the organ that had connected them all on this journey.