Читать книгу All That Is Left Of Us - Catherine Miller - Страница 17
ОглавлениеIt was three days later that Dawn started losing it. With the birth having gone smoothly they discharged her less than twenty-four hours later. She was glad to be out of the hospital, but being at home sucked pretty badly as well. After Archie was up in bed, she sat in front of the telly with trashy programmes and an absurd amount of yummy things that would normally have helped cheer her up.
There were some of the supermarket’s finest blue cheeses and liver paté spread on crackers waiting to be munched; a chilled glass of wine and a divine platter of seafood calling to be devoured – all the foods she’d been deprived of for the past nine months and had regularly craved during her pregnancy. She’d daydreamed about this moment throughout, the day she would have her body back and enjoy herself once more.
Only the cheese tasted too rank and the wine too bitter. It wasn’t the perfect moment she’d been after. She wanted it as a celebratory slap on the back. Her own “well done, you’re bloody amazing” moment.
Instead she was still raw with hurt. There was something so cruel about having to waddle around with a maternity pad between her legs without a baby against her bosom. It was a selfish thought, knowing her predicament was one that had brought joy, not the sorrow others might suffer. And she’d known this was coming. She’d had time to prepare for the void that was filling her, but sitting here with her expensive cheese and dry crackers it was a recipe for feeling sorry for herself.
Storage Wars seemed like a pretty safe bet TV-viewing wise, but then they cracked open a unit containing what could only be described as a mother’s treasure chest, the objects of childhood only a parent would hold dear: medals, drawings, photos, items of clothing. In their montage they knew nothing about the previous owner of the locker, but surmised, as the photos didn’t go past the age of about eight, that perhaps it had belonged to the child’s mother. That in the face of the father finding reminders too painful, she’d gone and rented the space to preserve her son’s memory in her own way and visited it in remembrance of him.
It was the kind of story that would have had Dawn in tears anyway. Just thinking about the poor woman having to grieve in such solitude started the sobbing, but then it was every thought that followed, which meant she wasn’t able to stop. The locker for her second child would be empty because he wasn’t hers and never would be, and somehow she had to find her peace with that.
Dawn switched the telly off, not wanting to think about it any longer. As she did so, she spotted the present Jane had given her when she’d left the school. It was nestling between the sofa and TV cabinet. It was time to open it. Ripping the wrapping paper off revealed a patchwork quilt. She unfolded it and realised each square had been made by one of the schoolchildren in her class. It gave her a whole new reason for the tears to flow.
Cocooning herself in the quilt, for now Dawn wasn’t able to stop herself from crying. Even when she managed to get up and replace her tray of unappetising snacks with a whole bar of fruit and nut, the flow of tears didn’t let up. She tried to banish the thought of the empty locker with the image of her brother’s happiness at seeing his newborn son, but it wasn’t sticking. So she allowed the tears and sadness to flow, afraid that, if she didn’t, there was a chance she would never get a grip again.
The next day was a better one. Dawn managed to get out of bed and shower without going into complete meltdown. She reminded herself she was a mother already, and even though going out of the house was the last thing in the world she wanted to do right now, it was Saturday. It was zoo day and feeling the sunshine on her face might remind her that life wasn’t so desolate. Even though Jane had offered to take Archie, she wanted to get out of the house, so had said she would take him herself.
‘You’re late, Mum,’ Archie shouted into her bedroom.
Dawn was wrapped in a towel, huddled in bed. She’d stopped there to get dry and keep warm, but she’d let minute after minute pass by without making any effort to move.
Archie knocked at the door, a rare gesture from her son who liked to stick to routines. The fact she was late would be enough to cause him distress. Maybe she should let Jane take him. Maybe she wasn’t ready for this. She made sure she was covered up, but she was pretty well cocooned. ‘Come in.’
Archie tiptoed in, like this was a mission and he needed to remain undetected. He was getting so tall and was at the gangly stage where everything was growing so quickly it hadn’t had chance to bulk out. His brown hair and grey eyes made him look like his father, a shadow of the past, but his frame made him look like David at that age. The thought brought an unexpected lump to her throat and she knew she needed to stop. She couldn’t cry in front of her son.
Archie sat on the edge of her bed, something he’d not done for a long time. It was always Dawn on the edge of his bed, sleeping on the floor next to him, seeing him through the night terrors that plagued him at times.
‘It’s okay, Mum, you don’t need to be sad.’ Archie tapped her knee, which was snuggled underneath the duvet.
The small gesture was enough to let her emotions bubble over, but this was Archie. She was his mum. He needed to come before whatever it was she was feeling at this moment. And she didn’t want him to worry about her, which he would if she put on another show like last night. ‘I just have a lot of hormones floating around my body and they’re not doing me much good at the moment.’
‘Can you give them to Rebekah? Would she like them?’
Dawn’s lip curled. It was the closest she’d got to a smile since saying goodbye to the baby. Archie’s ideas always provided obvious solutions; sadly, it was never that simple. ‘I’m sure she would really appreciate them, but Mummy can’t transfer them to her. They haven’t invented that yet.’
‘They should. It would be like giving blood and they could collect them in a bag. Then, after getting it from you, they would put it into Auntie Rebekah and she could have the hormones as well as the baby.’
Dawn actually smiled. A real smile created by her clever son. ‘It would certainly help. Do you think you could invent that process once you’ve left school?’
‘Can we go to the zoo first? I want to show you something.’ Archie got up. ‘Be ready in ten minutes or I’m sending Norman in.’
The threat was enough to set Dawn into action. Dawn hated spiders, but had conceded to having Norman in the house as he was proving therapeutic for her son. He liked taking care of the arachnoid, which was good, because Dawn wouldn’t want to. It was a compromise because a meerkat family was his top choice and, in their two-bedroom flat, there clearly wasn’t enough space, plus she was pretty sure it would be illegal. So they visited the meerkats at the zoo and Norman kept Archie entertained for the rest of the week.
‘It’s twenty-one minutes past ten, Mum,’ Archie informed Dawn once they were in the car. ‘We’ve never been this late.’
‘I know, sweetie. I’m sure your friends won’t mind.’ The meerkats were Archie’s friends. He had more social attachments to animals than he did any human.
‘But I told Joel I get there every Saturday when the zoo opens. What if he’s waiting for me?’
‘Who is Joel?’ Dawn was pretty familiar with all the meerkats’ names, but she was pretty sure none of them were called Joel.
‘The keeper. Remember, Mum, you met him last time you were there.’
‘Of course. How could I forget?’ It wasn’t like a lot had happened lately. ‘Did he say he would wait for you?’
‘He said see you next week, so he knows I’ll be there.’
‘I don’t think he’ll mind if we arrive later than we usually do. We’ve got a pretty good excuse.’ They were less than five minutes away now and Dawn hoped Archie wouldn’t freak out at any point. It had been a while since he had, but she knew only too well that upsetting his routine was a contributor to setting him off and, if that happened, she would only have herself to blame.
She should have thought about this part of the process more and put more support in for the days following giving birth. It was a shame David and Rebekah were her main source of help. Their father had passed away when they were in their teens and their mother, who’d never dealt with his death particularly well, had upped and moved to Spain. These days they were lucky if they got their annual visit. It was Jane who was being her rock and maybe she’d have to call on her more than she’d thought she would.
For some reason she’d imagined this part as easy. She didn’t have a baby to care for, so there was nothing to interrupt the course of her life other than some mild discomfort and a waistline that would need getting back in shape. Of course it wasn’t that simple and it was only in the aftermath that she was able to see she should have been more prepared.
For now, she just had to hope they survived the trip to the zoo. Because surely the best way to adjust was to keep going and carry on as normal. As for David and Rebekah, they’d all agreed that for the first couple of weeks, while David was on paternity leave, it would be appropriate for Dawn to leave them to let the bonding process take place. When they’d agree on that it had made sense, but now it felt odd to not be seeing them as she usually would.
It was strange not to be involved at this early stage. David had been her rock when Archie was born. He’d made sure she ate when she’d not been able to put Archie down. He would take Archie out for a walk when she’d not slept a wink all night. They’d been so young, but unlike the rest of the family, he’d not turned his back on her by moving to another country. She was certain she wouldn’t have got through that period of time without his help. Which is why it felt alien to not be offering her support at this point in time, when getting to grips with the baby would be tough going. But then, she supposed giving birth for them kind of made up for it.
The official arrangement was that, a couple of weeks after the baby’s arrival, the newly formed family would come over to the flat for a Sunday roast. By that point Dawn should have recovered and Rebekah would have bonded with baby. It sounded like a sane enough plan and Dawn was looking forward to meeting her nephew without feeling like he was her son.
‘Come on, Mum.’ Archie started running towards the entrance as soon as they arrived.
‘Slow down. I can’t run today. You’ll have to walk.’ Dawn was really regretting not asking Jane to come along as well. In her memory, she recalled recovering pretty quickly from Archie’s birth, and while she’d not had a rough time of it this time round, running around after an enthusiastic ten-year-old had not been on the recovery agenda last time.
Fortunately, Archie did slow down. It was only recently he seemed to be paying more attention to what she was saying and the timing couldn’t be better. It was possible her baby boy was turning into a young man and, if he was going through a good phase, she needed to enjoy it as only God knew what the teenage years would be like. And it was a positive thing to think that soon it would be the summer holidays and she would have the time to spend with him.
‘Do you think Joel will still be there?’ Archie asked once they were through the entrance.
‘I don’t know. He’ll have lots of things to do today. He might have gone to look after some of the other animals.’
‘Oh.’
‘We’ll know soon enough.’ They were on the path that led to the meerkat enclosure.
‘Can I go and see?’
It was a straight path. Archie wouldn’t go out of sight so Dawn nodded agreement. ‘I’ll be there in a minute. Mum can’t do any rushing today.’
Dawn watched him run off and continued meandering along. She seemed to be going at a slower pace than when she’d been waddling on her last visit. It was like her muscles weren’t willing to play ball yet and were eager for some extra time off. She would have to get in touch with Jane. She’d help her out with Archie and provide her with some evening company. There was a chance she might say ‘I told you so’ over the recovery being harder than Dawn had envisaged, but best friends were allowed to point out when you’d been wrong.
Lost in her troubles, Archie nearly knocked her over when he doubled back at such a speed he’d have knocked skittles over. ‘Joel is here.’
‘Gosh. Well, that’s good.’ Dawn wasn’t sure why Archie was so excited, but it really was nice to see those kinds of emotions coming out in him.
‘Can I have my notebook?’
Crap. Today was going so well. She didn’t want to be the one to break the news that she’d forgotten it.
‘Can I have my notepad? We’re going to go through my checks.’
Dawn closed her eyes briefly, dizziness washing over her for a nanosecond. ‘I don’t have it. Sorry, Archie, my brain wasn’t in gear when we left.’ In the years they’d been coming here, Dawn hadn’t ever forgotten the notepad because doing so would be tantamount to treason. Archie would likely disown her for such disorganisation regarding a ritual that was sacrosanct. This weekly activity was Archie’s lifeblood, and what would happen if he didn’t have his notes from the previous week’s activities? Well, they were about to find out.
Dawn was psyching herself up for screaming and shouting. She expected a tantrum so spectacular that every passer-by would stare and wonder why she wasn’t able to control her child. When that didn’t happen, it took a second for her to register the fact that Archie was turning on his heel and running away from her.
‘Archie?’ As much as she didn’t feel able to, she found herself picking up her pace in an effort to follow him. If Archie ran away and she couldn’t find him, she didn’t know what she would do. He had friends who did it regularly, causing their mothers no end of heartache and worry. It was a habit she hoped he never picked up. ‘Archie, I can’t run. Stay here. We’ll buy you a new notepad. It’ll be okay.’ She was already breathless when she’d barely broken into a jog.
‘I’ll be at the meerkats,’ Archie shouted back.
Thank goodness for that. At least he didn’t have plans to run off in some unknown direction. Dawn stopped and got her breath back. God, she knew she’d been a bit of a slob while she’d been the life support to another human being, but surely not to the point where the slightest physical exertion was enough to ground her.
When she found the energy to put one foot in front of the other, she reached the meerkat enclosure and tried not to panic when she didn’t spot her son. ‘Archie? Where are you?’ The area was fairly empty so it was okay for her to sound like an irrational, panicky mother. If the past week was anything to go by, it was getting close to the truth.
Dawn started to wind her way around the circular pen. It was a hidden corner within the zoo so didn’t get as busy as the enclosures on the main route. There weren’t many places her son could hide. Inside the pen were some branches and a bank, which were a regular lookout spot for the meerkats, and they were enough to camouflage a section on the opposite side. But the further round she went, more of the blind spot became visible, with no sign of her son. ‘Archie,’ she shouted with a definite edge of fear.
‘I’m here, Mum.’
The small voice came from behind Dawn and she turned quicker than was appropriate when feeling as delicate as she was. She wanted to drag him to her bosom and tell him never to run off like that again. But more than likely that would cause the meltdown they’d so far avoided, and he’d not really run off when he was at the location he’d told her he would be.
‘Everything okay?’ Dawn asked because he was inside the keeper’s area – the small cabin where everything the meerkats needed was prepared.
‘Yes. I told Joel that you’d forgotten my notes, but I knew it would be okay because he photocopied them last week.’ Archie and Joel came out and joined her.
‘Oh, phew, that’s good.’ Dawn was struck by the man standing next to her son. She’d been so preoccupied last time they met she’d not paid him much attention. Along with his dreadlocks, he had a dark tan which, with his khaki shirt and shorts, made him look every inch the part of Crocodile Dundee, only without a reptile that needed wrestling in sight.
‘Archie’s being a great help with me learning about the different family members.’
‘So, you’re new?’ Dawn wanted to sit down now she knew he was safe.
‘New to the meerkats. We swap the animals we work with every six months. Part of a learning programme at the zoo. Means we get to work with all the different animals we want to. Meerkats fascinate me.’
No wonder Archie had warmed to him. ‘Do you have a notepad Archie can use?’ Dawn didn’t mean to be cheeky, but if it would save her traipsing to the gift shop she was willing to ask.
‘We’ve already sorted one and we’re about to start the checks. Are you happy for me to go through them with Archie? It’s really helping me.’
‘Elspeth and Evelyn are really hard. Joel can’t tell them apart yet.’
‘As long as it is helpful for you?’ Joel’s dreadlocked hair was tied back and his dark tan made him look like he spent every possible hour out in the sunshine. She didn’t want Archie hindering his working day, especially if he was saying it just to be polite.
‘It really is. And the next time this family have babies, I’m banning any names beginning with E. Talk about making it difficult.’ Joel winked.
Dawn laughed despite herself. She was glad it wasn’t just her that found it confusing. Ever since Elvis had become the alpha male, the zoo had named every offspring with names beginning with E. And the names were too similar sounding to distinguish at times. ‘I’m going to go and sit down if that’s okay?’ She needed to sit or she would fall.
‘Mum’s just had a baby,’ Archie chipped in. ‘She was a surrogate.’
‘Wow. You really should take a seat then.’
Joel and Archie escorted her to the bench where she normally sat and in a very small way it was like a piece of equilibrium being restored.
‘Are you okay, Mum?’
Dawn was feeling out of sorts, but she guessed that was to be expected when she was rushing round a zoo covering some considerable square meterage only a few days after a baby had been plucked from her womb. ‘I just need a rest, sweetheart. I think we’ll have to skip our walk today. Probably best seeing as we’re here later than usual.’
‘I’m going to do the checks now,’ Archie said.
‘Thanks,’ Dawn said to Joel as he followed her son. It was nice that someone was embracing his obsession with meerkats. She’d not met anyone yet who was able to match his knowledge on them and he hadn’t spoken to the last keeper after he’d answered some questions wrong. So this was an improvement. A big one.
When Dawn fumbled in her handbag, she found she’d also forgotten her sketchpad. Great. That was all she needed. Being left with her own thoughts was not a good idea at the moment. She selected a Hall’s Soother instead. She didn’t have a cold, but it was the best offering in a normally useful handbag and she figured the sugar might do her some good. Plus, they normally took twenty minutes to work and if she concentrated on the throat sweet she might not get round to noticing the emptiness within. But trying to numb her tongue wasn’t enough to numb any other part of her, and as yet another mum trundled past her with a baby wrapped in a sling, Dawn wasn’t able to ignore the hurt. The sense that she should also have a babe in her arms was gnawing away at her to an extent she’d never thought would be possible. After Archie she’d never been broody. Those early days of bringing up a fussy baby by herself had been enough to put away any thoughts of doing it again into another lifetime. Her lack of maternal instincts had been part of the reason she’d been so willing to be a surrogate. Not wanting to do it all again meant it would be easy to hand the baby over. But it seemed to have opened up dormant emotions and here she was with swollen breasts threatening to lactate.
Dawn was so busy staring longingly after the mother and baby she didn’t notice Joel heading back to the bench.
‘Here. I thought you might need these.’
Dawn turned, startled at being brought back to the real world. Surreptitiously, she moved her arms so if she did have any wet patches they wouldn’t be noticed. At least she hoped.
Joel was holding a flask and a Yorkie bar. He moved them in front of her as she’d not responded yet. ‘Tea and chocolate. You look like you need both.’
The gesture was enough to make her eyes well up and all too quickly tears were streaking her cheeks. She wiped them away and tried to gain some composure. ‘You don’t need to do that. I’m obviously raiding your lunchbox.’
‘No worries. I’ll refill it on my lunch break and you definitely deserve the chocolate more than I do. I best get back to Archie.’ Joel went back to the meerkat enclosure and Dawn was too exhausted to argue.
The tea was just the right temperature and gave comfort in a way only a good cuppa could manage. Dawn didn’t really want to deprive the man of his chocolate, but she was feeling wobbly enough to unwrap it and snap off the first two squares. Maybe they could go halves.
‘Here you go, Mum.’ It was Archie this time with more provisions. ‘Joel said I should give you these.’ He passed her a book and some scrunched-up blue roll, which she assumed was to use in place of tissues.
‘Thank you, Arch.’
‘You’re the alpha female.’
‘Okay.’ Dawn wasn’t quite sure what Archie was telling her, but it seemed like a compliment.
‘Joel said I should tell you. He said I was being nice.’
‘Why am I the alpha female then?’
Dawn knew more than the average mother about meerkats, but she didn’t quite know what Archie was getting at.
‘You’re the alpha female. The matriarch because you’re the one who has the babies. No one else is allowed to. But it’s okay that Rebekah is looking after the baby because she’s in our family group so you don’t need to be sad about it. We just all have to look after each other.’
How right he was. And how much more complicated it felt to be a human. Archie’s outlook wasn’t wrong though and once this blaze of hormones settled down she would try to look at it that way. It seemed like a very nice way to view the situation.
Dawn snapped off another piece of chocolate from the bar and passed the remainder back to Archie. ‘If we’re looking after each other, you’d better take this back to Joel so you can both have a chunk to eat as well.’
‘Cool. Love you, Alpha,’ Archie said, before skipping back towards the meerkats and his new-found friend. It would have been nearly enough to make Dawn emotional again, if not for the new nickname, which she hoped wouldn’t stick.
As Dawn poured herself another cup of tea, she realised the book wasn’t some kind of wildlife manual. It was a novel: The Beach by Alex Garland. Well, it would certainly take her thoughts away to a different world and, even if it wasn’t a perfect one, it might be preferable to the way she was currently feeling.
