Читать книгу Girl Alone: Part 3 of 3: Joss came home from school to discover her father’s suicide. Angry and hurting, she’s out of control. - Cathy Glass, Cathy Glass - Страница 6

I went up to Joss’s room, where Lucy and Joss were sitting side by side on the bed.

‘Her mother called her a liar!’ Lucy exclaimed indignantly, taking up the fight for Joss. ‘Can you believe it? How mean is that? Your own mother calling you a liar!’

I looked at Joss. ‘How are you?’

‘OK,’ she said quietly, her anger largely gone.

‘If I told you something like that,’ Lucy continued, ‘you’d believe me, wouldn’t you?’

I nodded but didn’t say anything. Lucy meant well, but I didn’t think criticizing Joss’s mother was going to help. She was, after all, her mother, and Lucy seemed to have forgotten how loyal she was to her own birth mother despite all her failings.

‘Your mum is very upset right now,’ I said to Joss. ‘She’s also exhausted. When she’s had time to think clearly I’m sure she’ll feel differently.’

‘Not if he has anything to do with it,’ Joss said, her anger flashing again.

‘Her stepfather sounds horrible,’ Lucy commiserated. ‘Pity your mother ever married him.’

‘It was,’ Joss agreed.

‘Perhaps they’ll get divorced,’ Lucy suggested.

‘I doubt it,’ Joss said.

I could see that the girls were comfortable talking together and Joss didn’t really need my input right now. Sometimes a similar-aged young person can offer the empathy and words of understanding that an older adult cannot.

‘If you two are all right, I’ll go downstairs.’

‘Sure,’ Joss said easily.

‘We’ll be fine,’ Lucy said.

‘And you had a good time at your friend’s?’ I asked Lucy.

‘Yeah, great.’

I left them and went down to the kitchen. As I worked it crossed my mind that perhaps I should telephone Homefinders’ out-of-hours service to report and discuss what Linda had said, but Jill wouldn’t be on duty. Although I could have talked to another member of the Homefinders team, it wasn’t an emergency so I decided to wait until the following day, Monday, when Jill would be at work again. Jill knew Joss and I greatly valued her opinion. It was at times like these that I very much missed the support and views of a partner. Couples who foster can support each other and discuss their worries and concerns, but as a single carer I bore it all. I was deeply troubled by Linda’s abrupt turnaround and that she had withdrawn her support for her daughter. It had only been a matter of hours since she’d sat on my sofa and, believing Joss to have been viciously attacked, had broken down. Then, as a result of listening to Eric, she’d completely changed her mind and now thought her daughter was lying. But then again, I supposed Eric wouldn’t have suggested Joss was lying unless he had genuinely believed it. What a mess.

About half an hour later I heard the girls’ voices on the landing and I went up to make sure they were all right. They’d changed rooms, and Joss was now sitting on Lucy’s bed while Lucy unpacked her overnight bag. She could have stayed for a week for all the clothes she’d taken to her friend’s, most of which were now being consigned for the laundry, despite just needing an iron.

‘Are you OK?’ I asked Joss. She seemed to be.

She nodded and managed a small smile. So, reminding them again that I was downstairs if they needed me, I left them to it.

John brought Adrian and Paula home shortly after five o’clock and they said goodbye at the door. They’d been to the cinema. Everyone did their own thing until dinner was ready, and then I called them to the table. Although Joss had confided to Lucy what had happened, she hadn’t told Adrian or Paula, so the conversation over dinner was reasonably light-hearted and general, which wasn’t a bad thing. Joss would obviously be suffering inside, but she was coping with it in her own way, and I didn’t think she needed glum faces and endless sympathy. When we’d finished eating Paula suggested a game of Monopoly, as we were all home, and everyone liked the idea. We hastily cleared away the dishes and dumped them in the sink, and then set up the Monopoly board on the table.

The competition is always fierce when we play Monopoly – we play to win; even Paula and me, who aren’t normally competitive. There’s just something about that game! It wasn’t long before our voices had risen in excitement and good-humoured arguments had broken out over ownership deals and land development. I seemed to spend a lot of time in jail while Adrian was busy acquiring older sites. Paula’s pile of money grew from developing Park Lane and Mayfair; Lucy reaped a steady return from the utilities, and Joss from owning Regent Street to Bond Street. We had a break at nine o’clock and I made some snacks and poured us some lemonade. The game resumed and the excitement grew as fortunes were made and lost. Although I was tired from lack of sleep the night before, it was put on hold until we finally finished the game at 10.30, with Adrian the outright winner.

‘Good game,’ I said, as Lucy gave him an affectionate slap on the arm.

‘He always wins,’ Paula told Joss.

‘It’s luck,’ Joss joked.

‘In your dreams. It’s skill,’ Adrian quipped back.

The atmosphere was good.

‘Can we start taking turns in the bathroom,’ I said. ‘And I need a volunteer to help me pack away the game.’

‘I’ll help you,’ Joss said. She remained at the table while Adrian, Paula and Lucy made their way upstairs. ‘That was fun,’ she said, as we began sorting the money and cards into piles. ‘We used to play Monopoly at home with Dad.’

‘That’s a lovely memory,’ I said, smiling.

She nodded. ‘I just wish they weren’t memories and he was still alive.’

I paused and looked at her. ‘I know you do, love. You’ve had a lot to cope with.’

We continued sorting the money and then Joss suddenly said, ‘I’m not lying, Cathy. About what happened with Zach. I wouldn’t lie about that.’

‘I’m sure you wouldn’t,’ I said, meeting her gaze. ‘Not something as serious as that.’

‘So you believe me?’

‘Yes.’

‘Mum doesn’t. She always takes his side.’

‘I suppose it must be difficult for your mother,’ I said. ‘She’s trying to make her marriage work and probably feels caught in the middle. Did you and your stepfather argue a lot?’

‘Yes, but Mum never believed what I said and always took his side.’

‘What caused all the problems?’ I asked, feeling that Joss wanted to talk.

‘Oh, you know what he’s like – the usual.’ She shrugged and continued sorting the money.

‘I don’t know him, really,’ I said. ‘I’ve only met him once. Is he very difficult to live with?’

‘Mum says I never gave him a chance, but that’s not true. I thought he was all right to begin with. He was kind to Kevin and me. He used to buy us presents, but that was just so he could win us over.’

‘To gain your affection?’

‘Sort of.’

We placed the money, cards and playing pieces into the Monopoly box and secured the lid with a large elastic band. The box was a bit ragged from years of use, but it had protected the game. I was about to stand to put the game away before going to bed when Joss said, ‘I know why it was easy for him to persuade Mum I was lying.’

I remained in my chair and looked at her. Her gaze was down and she concentrated on the table.

‘Why?’

‘Because she never believed me about all the other stuff either.’

‘What other stuff?’ I asked, expecting Joss to start telling me about all the other arguments they’d had.

‘The other stuff he did,’ she said with a shrug.

‘Like what?’ I asked, naïve and hoping I could go to bed soon.

‘You know. Things he shouldn’t have done.’

Perhaps it was because I was very tired that I didn’t understand straight away what Joss was trying to tell me, or maybe I didn’t want to understand.

‘Joss, love, you’ll have to explain to me. I’m sorry, I don’t understand. Your mum doesn’t believe you about Zach because she didn’t believe you in the past about Eric?’

‘Yes. He persuaded her that I was lying when I told her he used to walk around naked and stuff. So now she doesn’t believe me about anything.’

I turned in my chair so I was facing her. She continued staring at the table. ‘Some people do walk around naked at home,’ I said. ‘They see it as natural. But it made you feel uncomfortable and I can understand why. We don’t do that here.’

There was a small pause before Joss said, ‘It wasn’t just that.’

‘No? What else?’

She took a breath and kept her eyes down. ‘He used to come into my bedroom when I was dressing or when I was in the bath. We didn’t have locks on the doors, but you are supposed to knock and wait, like you do here. But he didn’t. He used to come straight in and stand and stare at me. I told Mum, but she didn’t believe me. They both said I was lying.’

I was now starting to feel very uneasy, not just about the implications of what Joss was telling me, but about whether she was telling the truth. The problem when someone has a history of lying is that it’s very difficult to know when they are telling the truth. I believed Joss when she’d said Zach had attacked her – I’d seen her distress just after it had happened, and I’d met Zach and Carl and those they associated with and could believe they were capable of what Joss had claimed. Eric was another matter entirely, though. He was a middle-aged, respectable man, with a responsible job – although that didn’t mean he couldn’t be an abuser. He’d seemed pleasant enough the one time I’d met him, and from what Linda had said he appeared to be doing all he could to be a successful stepfather. Was it possible Joss so greatly resented him trying to replace her father that she was making this up? I didn’t know, but as I’d told Linda, in my experience children rarely lied about sexual abuse. I needed more details.

‘Joss, what you are accusing Eric of is very serious indeed.’

She nodded. ‘I know,’ she said quietly.

I looked at her. ‘When did it start? Can you remember?’

‘A few weeks after they got married and he moved in. The first time it happened I thought it was an accident and he’d come into my room by mistake. I liked him then. He seemed nice and he made Mum happy. Kevin was already calling him Dad. Then one evening Mum went out to a fundraising event. She does charity work to help families where someone has committed suicide. Kevin was in bed and I was in my room. I didn’t have my top on and I was standing in front of the mirror. I know it sounds silly, but I’d just started developing and I used to stand in front of my mirror every evening to see if my breasts had grown. Without knocking, Eric suddenly came in. I grabbed my top and held it against me. I thought he’d apologize and quickly go out, but he stood there leering and going red in the face. He was sweating and breathing heavily – it was disgusting. And then he said, “You naughty girl. Look what you’ve done to me.” He undid his trousers and his pants were wet at the front. I thought he’d peed himself, but later I realized what it was. I felt sick, and I was frightened too. I told him to go. He grinned, a horrible smile, and said, “I’ll be seeing you again, young lady,” and he left.’ Joss shivered, and I felt icy cold too.

‘He went to the bathroom,’ Joss continued, nervously rubbing her finger along the edge of the table. ‘I heard the shower turn on. I was shaking. I stayed in my room until Mum came home. She came up to say goodnight. She always did. She knew something was wrong, but I couldn’t tell her what, so she just thought I was ill. I didn’t sleep. I lay there all night thinking about what had happened. Then the next day I sort of convinced myself it had been an accident, him coming into my room, but deep down I knew it wasn’t. I kept thinking about what he’d said and the way he’d undone his trousers.’

Joss took a breath before continuing and I sat very still and quiet. ‘He tried it again the next time Mum went out. I was in my bedroom with all my clothes on. I wasn’t going to change for bed until Mum came home. He came in without knocking and asked me to show him my breasts so he could see how much they’d grown. I don’t know how he knew that’s what I’d been doing. I told him to go and leave me alone and that I’d tell Mum. He grinned, all pervy, and said I could tell her because she wouldn’t believe me. He’d make sure of it. I didn’t tell her straight away – I didn’t know how to tell her. That’s when the arguments started. I ignored him, or if he tried to talk to me I was rude to him. So Mum would tell me off and try to make me apologize, but I wouldn’t. Then, when other stuff started to happen, I finally found the courage to tell Mum. She didn’t believe me, but she must have said something to him because later, when she wasn’t around, he told me to keep my mouth shut if I knew what was good for me.

‘After that, it was just arguments and more arguments. I hated him, and I began hating Mum for believing him and not me. Even little Kevin was getting upset by all the shouting. We never used to shout and argue before he came along. I started getting into trouble at school. I was angry the whole time, even with my teachers. I felt like everyone was against me. And I stayed away from the house as much as possible. It wasn’t my home any more. I began hanging around the streets. It felt safer on the streets in the dark with strangers than it did at home.’ She stopped. ‘Oh, Cathy,’ she suddenly cried. ‘If only my dad hadn’t died, none of this would have happened. I feel so alone.’

I put my arm around her and comforted her as best I could while she cried. Did I believe her? Yes, I did. The childlike details and the logic in what she’d said convinced me she was telling the truth. My thoughts went to all the times Joss had referred to Eric as a creep, and I knew now it wasn’t just name-calling. Why hadn’t I picked up on this sooner? I should have done. But there had been so many issues with Joss it had slipped through the net. Her hatred of Eric should have been another indicator – a clue I’d missed. She didn’t hate him because he was trying to replace her father; she hated him because he’d been abusing her. With a sinking heart I remembered I’d actually defended Eric and had told Joss he was probably being nice to her because he was trying to build a relationship. How insensitive and inappropriate that sounded now! I also remembered that when I’d met him he’d told me he wanted to foster, and my stomach heaved. That would have given him a steady supply of children to abuse. Then another horrendous thought struck me.

‘Joss,’ I said, holding her close, ‘has Eric abused Kevin?’

‘I don’t think so,’ she said, raising her head slightly and sniffing. ‘I think it was just me.’

But, of course, she couldn’t be sure.

She straightened and looked at me, her eyes red and her cheeks stained with tears. ‘Do you believe me?’ she asked, her voice shaking. ‘Do you see why Mum changed her mind about Zach?’

‘Yes, I do, love. I can see why, and I believe you.’

‘Oh, thank you, Cathy!’ she cried, and threw her arms around me.

I held her for some time. She’d said ‘other stuff’ had happened too, but it wasn’t for me to question her now. I needed to leave that for the police.

‘I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you sooner,’ she said through her tears. ‘I should have told you – I nearly did a few times, but I was worried you’d think I was lying, like Mum did.’

‘It’s all right,’ I said. I stroked her hair. ‘I understand why you couldn’t tell me. You’ve been very brave to tell me now.’

‘Will I have to talk to the police again?’ she asked. ‘I’m so tired. I just want to go to bed.’

‘You will have to talk to them at some point, but I don’t think it has to be tonight.’

‘Can I go to bed?’

I nodded and helped her stand – she was exhausted and drained from the emotion of crying and reliving the abuse. She leant heavily against me and we went upstairs. I saw her to her bedroom and left her to change while I went to my bedroom. I wanted to telephone Homefinders for confirmation that Joss wouldn’t have to talk to the police straight away. I explained what had happened to the member of staff on duty, and she said she’d speak to the duty social worker at the social services and then call me back. I went to Joss’s room to tell her, but she was already in bed asleep, her clothes in a tumbled pile by her bed, left where they’d fallen as she’d taken them off. I tucked her in, came out and went downstairs to wait for the telephone call from Homefinders. It was nearly 1 a.m. by the time they phoned and said the social worker had confirmed that, as Joss wasn’t in any immediate danger, the social services would initiate action the following morning, so there was no need to go to the police station tonight. I thanked her and went to bed.

The next day would be Monday, and it was the last day of the summer holidays before school returned for the autumn term. Normally, I would do something a little special with the family for the last day – lunch out, swimming or a similar activity – but I knew that was out of the question now. Tomorrow would be given over to supporting Joss as the social services and police began their investigations into her new claim of abuse. As I lay in the dark, tired but unable to sleep, I wondered how Linda would react now that it was out in the open. Would she still refuse to believe Joss? Or would doubt start to creep in to her previously unshakeable belief in her husband? Or – the worst-case scenario – had she known all along? Certainly she had failed to protect Joss, and questions would be asked.