Читать книгу Chloe Sims - The Only Way is Up - My Story - Chloe Sims - Страница 14

After the ‘attempted suicide’, I decided that I had to sort my life out and stop pining over Danny. Although I would never forget him, I knew that I needed to get on with my life – I was still only 18. I landed a job as a manager of a clothes shop in Bow, east London. My dad helped me out and I got a small flat in Buckhurst Hill in Essex.

The girls I worked with used to go clubbing in the West End and told me tales about all the celebs they would see. It sounded so much better than any of the places in Essex. One night, they asked if I wanted to go with them and I jumped at the chance. I got myself all glammed up and we went to Sugar Reef in Soho, which was the trendiest place to be back then. As usual, I wore something totally different to anyone else – it was a Burberry checked outfit years before people started wearing Burberry!

As the girls and me stood there chatting, a guy walked past, tapped me on the shoulder and said, ‘You’re beautiful.’

I shrugged him off but, as soon as he turned to walk away, my friend said, ‘Do you know who that is?’ It was Frank Lampard! I’d no idea – I was totally clueless, I didn’t even understand what Premiership footballers meant back then. My friends then pointed out that Rio Ferdinand was over in the other corner.

Everyone told me Frank Lampard telling me I was beautiful was a big deal, and it was the first time that I realised perhaps all those people at school had been wrong and I wasn’t ugly after all. It dawned on me that maybe I could use my looks to get what I wanted. As I went back to Essex at the end of the night, I was over the moon – it might have been just one comment but, still, a footballer had told me I was beautiful!

I had started to feel more confident about the way I looked but there was one thing that was bothering me. I was flat-chested and all the other girls seemed to have really big boobs. I’d always been conscious of my small boobs but then it started bothering me more and more.

Not long after that night, I went out with a friend called Katie, who was from east London, and we met up with her boyfriend and some of his friends. One of them was called Matthew and he was really nice. He was good-looking, with dark skin, blue eyes, and he had a really nice smile. Matthew was 24, so a few years older than me, and he was well dressed and seemed like a nice guy. My friend Katie was keen for us to get together so we could go on double dates. She could see he liked me and encouraged me to go for it!

He asked if he could take my number and, a few days later, he rang and asked if he could take me out. Matthew lived in Poplar in east London and he came to Buckhurst Hill to pick me up in his BMW. He lived with his mum and dad and he had a job working as a builder with his dad.

We went out for a drink. He was really nice but there wasn’t a spark and, although he was good-looking, I just didn’t fancy him. Because I’d had such a spark with Danny, I kept thinking that it wasn’t good enough just to like someone. Matthew kept ringing me and I tried to put him off a few times but eventually I agreed to see him again. I told him I wasn’t really interested. Looking back now, I was still hung up on Danny.

All my friends told me I was mad; they kept saying he was much nicer than Danny and that I was crazy not to be going out with him, when he clearly liked me. They kept going on at me about how lovely he was and how I hadn’t given him a proper chance, so, eventually, I agreed to go out with him again. I decided I had to stop comparing him to Danny and to just relax and get to know him.

This time, we got on a lot better. We went to a local pub and had a few drinks, and he was really funny. I laughed a lot that night. Matthew’s got a piss-taking sense of humour like me and we had a laugh. I think the first few times we went out he was nervous, and I was being standoffish – that was why I hadn’t noticed how funny he was before. It wasn’t perfect, I still felt there was something missing compared to how I’d felt about Danny, but he was nice and we got on, so we started seeing each other.

Eventually, I got sacked from the clothes shop because I just couldn’t really be bothered and again the travelling from Essex to east London every day was doing my head in. I got a job working at the Queens pub in Buckhurst Hill near my flat, which was much more convenient. Still really into fashion, I spent all my money on clothes; I’d even buy stuff and then alter it so no one had the same things as me. Although the pub didn’t pay much, I liked it because it was sociable – there was always someone to talk to.

A couple of months before I met Matthew, my cousins, Nikki and Carly, had asked me if I wanted to go on a girls’ holiday with them to Ayia Napa in Cyprus. I’d never been on a proper girls’ holiday before – when I was out in the Balearics I was working, so it wasn’t the same – and I told them I’d love to, but I was only working in the pub and couldn’t afford it. I told my dad they’d asked me to go with them and he said he would pay for it for me. I couldn’t believe it! After the whole ‘suicide’ episode, I guess he thought I needed cheering up and could do with a holiday. Over the years, Dad has always been great like that. Whenever I’ve needed him, he’s been there for me.

As soon as he told me he’d pay, I got straight on the phone to Nikki: ‘My dad said he’ll pay for me so I can come with you!’

We were screaming with excitement. Carly is a year older than me and Nikki is just a few months older – they are really close in age. For most of the year, Nikki and me are the same age but, when it’s her birthday, I always take the Mick out of her for being old! We’ve always been really close because we are such similar ages and I couldn’t wait to go away with them – we were going to have a right laugh.

These plans were made before I’d met Matthew but, now he was on the scene, he didn’t want me to go. He was jealous and possessive, and begged me not to go. I was torn because I really, really wanted to go but I didn’t want to upset him.

I rang Nikki and told her that Matthew didn’t want me to go and she had a right go at me. I remember saying to her, ‘Nikki, I’ve got a problem – I don’t think I can come to Ayia Napa with you and Carly. Matthew’s not happy about it.’

Well, she went off on one, saying, ‘I can’t believe you’re dropping us for some bloke! You’ve known him two minutes and we’ve had this holiday planned for months, and now you’re saying you’re not coming. What a liberty!’

Now I love Nikki, but she is not someone you mess with and was quite scary, so I told her I would still go. And, anyway, she had a point – it’s not right to drop your mates just because you’ve got a new fella.

It was the best holiday ever. We were young, free and single, and we were out every night. I have never laughed so much in all my life as I did that week – it was mental. We spent the days lounging by the pool, chatting and laughing, and then every night we’d get all dressed up and go round the bars and clubs. It was amazing – I loved it over there. The weather was boiling, the beaches were gorgeous and the bars and clubs were great.

I had such a good time and we all said we would definitely do it again – I didn’t know then that this would be my last girls’ holiday for seven years!

I missed Matthew and I had a niggling worry at the back of my mind that, because I’d come away when he was so against it, maybe he would go off with someone else. I rang him every day while we were away and, because I missed him, I decided that must have meant I liked him more than I had first thought.

When I got back from Ayia Napa, things with Matthew soon became serious, even though I still wasn’t 100 per cent sure about him. It was weird – he was good-looking, funny, had a decent job, hung around with a cool crowd – there was no reason not to like him, but there was just something missing. When I look back now, it wasn’t right from the start, but everyone else being so positive about him meant that I didn’t acknowledge it.

I was a free spirit and I enjoyed working in the pub, flirting with all the customers. It really suited me, but Matthew hated it; he didn’t like me chatting to other men and, as such, we had a volatile relationship. He had a real temper and used to shout and swear – he would kick off at the slightest thing and go mental. The first time, it really shocked me, he was swearing every other word – my dad never ever swore in front of me because he is old-fashioned like that – and I’d never heard swearing in anger like that before.

He would always apologise afterwards, saying how sorry he was, so I’d forgive him. After only a month of being together, he moved in with me and I became reliant on him. I couldn’t drive – I’d had the ten lessons my dad bought me and I was absolutely rubbish so was nowhere near passing my test – and I had hardly any money. The flat we lived in was damp and cold, and neither of us really liked it there.

Then Matthew stopped working so we were really skint and were forced to move in with his mum and dad, Joan and Brian, in Poplar. I got on really well with them and we all became close, but living with your boyfriend’s parents is never ideal. I should have been going out, enjoying myself but instead I was either at work or at home with my boyfriend’s mum and dad!

Although I liked working in the pub, the money was rubbish and if we were ever going to move out of Matthew’s mum and dad’s, I needed a better wage. As a result, I got myself a job at House of Fraser in Victoria, selling make-up and perfume. I hated it. Again, I was faced with the long commute into London and I hated doing other people’s make-up – I didn’t like touching their faces.

I felt like I was trapped – as much as I liked Matthew’s parents, it was hard all living together and we used to have almighty rows. We would literally be screaming at each other and he would shout insults at me. He was jealous of my relationship with Danny, and he used to say horrible things and call me flat-chested, which he knew really got to me.

We had an explosive relationship – I would scream and shout just as much as Matthew. I know it bothered his mum especially – it can’t have been nice for her to have us yelling at each other all the time. Things weren’t going great; I didn’t want to be living there and I knew they didn’t really want us there, but we didn’t have any money to move out.

Then, when I was still only 19, the worst thing I could have imagined happened: I fell pregnant. It was awful. I’d been a bit rubbish at remembering to take my Pill and then I started feeling really ill and missed my period. I couldn’t believe it; I was devastated. I went out in my lunch hour to buy a test because I needed to know. When I saw it was positive, I just sat in the toilets at work and cried.

I was lost; I didn’t have a clue what to do. How on earth could I even think about having a baby? I definitely didn’t want to keep it, but I didn’t dare think of getting rid of it either – I just wished I wasn’t pregnant. I didn’t want to be pregnant; I wanted it all to go away. Deep down, I knew things weren’t right between Matthew and me, and having a baby was a terrible idea. I was so young, with so much left to achieve and I still dreamed of becoming a model.

I had to tell Matthew, but I was dreading it. I told him that night after work; that I’d made up my mind and I was having a termination. He told his mum and dad, but I didn’t tell anyone in my family. His mum and dad were really good about it; they respected the fact that it was our decision and they didn’t try to influence us either way. As much as they would have loved a grandchild, they knew how young I was. Matthew became really distant and the rows got even worse. He started going out more and more – he basically abandoned me and I couldn’t stand it, which meant we’d fight even more.

The day of the abortion came around quickly. Matthew took me to the place and just left me there. It was horrible, and I have tried to blank out all the details from my memory. I did my best not to think about it – I just wanted it to be over so I could try to forget it had ever happened.

When they said I was allowed to leave, I rang my Nanny Linda and told her what had happened; she told me to go back there. She was such an amazing woman I could tell her literally anything, and I knew she would never judge me. I got a taxi over there and I’ve never been so relieved to see her in all my life.

The next day, I decided I needed some company because I didn’t want to be on my own, thinking about what I’d done. So I went to meet my cousin Carly – I caught the train to Bethnal Green, where she lived. She wanted pie and mash, so we walked to Pellici’s on the Bethnal Green Road. It was quite a long walk and, looking back, I wasn’t up to it but I went anyway because I thought the fresh air would do me good. And I didn’t want to admit to myself that I didn’t feel right because I didn’t want to think about what I’d done; I needed to feel normal and pretend everything was OK.

When we got into the pie and mash place, I started feeling really unwell. I stumbled into the toilet and realised I had blood pouring out of me – there were literally clots the size of strawberries – and I didn’t know what to do. I could barely walk, I felt so weak and I remember calling out to Carly. I was saying, ‘Carly, I really don’t feel well,’ and she thought I was exaggerating. She was saying, ‘Don’t be daft, Chloe, come out of the toilet!’ I told her I couldn’t and I think then she realised something was seriously wrong. She phoned for a cab and somehow managed to get me into it and took me straight to the Royal London Hospital in Whitechapel.

I was haemorrhaging and it was horrific. They put me straight on a drip and I was really scared. I blamed myself for having the abortion and just wanted the whole thing to go away. I couldn’t get hold of Matthew so I rang his mum and dad and they came to see me. Matthew never came.

They kept me in hospital for a week; it was horrible in there. As if I hadn’t been through enough with the abortion, I had to have a scrape because they thought maybe there was something left inside me that had caused me to haemorrhage. Matthew’s mum and dad came and listened to me crying but Matthew still didn’t come, and, for that whole week I was in hospital, I didn’t hear from him. I was so upset; I really wanted him to be there. I couldn’t ring any of my family because I didn’t want them to know what had happened; I blamed myself constantly and I didn’t want other people knowing. Some days, I only had the nurses for company – luckily, they were really kind to me.

Finally, on the day I was being discharged, Matthew turned up to pick me up and take me home. He said he was really sorry. I remember him saying, ‘I know I’ve been a complete arsehole and I’m sorry. Please forgive me.’ He promised me things would be different and he’d sort himself out. We went back to his mum and dad’s for a while longer. He got himself a job then we eventually found a really lovely flat in Epping. For a while, things were good. We had money so we could go out for meals and do the stuff normal couples do. Although I wasn’t head over heels for Matthew, he was my best friend and we spent all our time together. We were really close, even though we fought all the time. Looking back now, it was more like a brother and sister relationship.

I got a job working at Chanel in the West End and I started working quite long hours. I had to keep myself busy – it was far easier to work all the time with less time to think about what I was doing. Sometimes I would get a niggling doubt at the back of my mind, where I thought, ‘I don’t want to be with him,’ but I felt stuck in that life so I made the best of it. Although he promised to turn over a new leaf, Matthew was always going out and would often stay out all night and not come home. Despite it all, I just couldn’t imagine not being with him, so leaving never really seemed like an option back then.

The following spring, we went on our first couple’s holiday to Marbella and it was a complete disaster. It should have been a lovely romantic holiday but it was horrendous. On our first night there, we went for a night out in Puerto Banus and Matthew bumped into some guys he knew from back home. We ended up spending the night with them and the drinks were flowing – people just kept presenting me with more drinks. In the early hours of the morning, I was getting tired and wanted to go back to the hotel but Matthew wouldn’t come. He was so busy trying to impress these so-called friends, so I went back on my own and went to bed.

The next morning, he dropped a bombshell: he had spent all our money for the whole week the previous night! It turned out that he had been buying all the drinks for the whole group – I just assumed that he’d been taking it in turns with the other guys. I’d worked hard for months, saving up enough spending money so we could have a nice time and he’d just blown it all in one evening.

I was absolutely livid. It just showed how immature he was – he was so busy showing off that he’d spent literally every penny we had. He ruined that holiday because he was trying to play the big man. We had massive rows and I hated him for that; we should have been having a lovely holiday but instead we had literally no money and could barely afford to eat for the rest of the week. We couldn’t do anything. It was awful and we were miserable, so we just argued more and more as the week went on – made even worse by the fact we were in each other’s pockets and neither of us could escape to work!

I kept thinking back to the girls’ holiday I’d been on to Ayia Napa with Carly and Nikki. It had been such a laugh and I’d had such a fantastic time. The whole week I was in Marbs with Matthew, I was remembering those days in Cyprus and what a good laugh the girls and me had had – I wished I was with them.

After that holiday, I knew in my head that I had to dump him, so I did. At least I tried, but, every time I told him that I wanted to leave, he would talk me out of it and promise me the world, so I ended up staying. Sometimes he would even cry.

And then, just a few months later in June 2001, my whole world was tipped upside down.