Читать книгу Intimate Treason - Claudia Black - Страница 10
ОглавлениеThis chapter sets the foundation for your recovery and offers validation for what has occurred and the effect it has had on you. We will gently guide you to create the space needed to voice your sorrow and pain as you acknowledge the reality of your current situation. Putting pen to paper will help disperse the thoughts and feelings that overwhelm you—understandably, in response to the trauma you’re facing. We will also help you explore earlier suspicions and understand how you were misled and what you can do to acknowledge and act on suspicions in the future. These insights and strategies will assist you in repairing your mistrust of yourself and regain confidence going forward. We offer tools to help you feel more stable, and encourage you to reach out and utilize those available support systems.
Telling My Story: The Day My World Changed
This section gives you an opportunity to write about the impact of being deceived by your partner’s sexually compulsive behaviors. You will compile a cohesive picture and timeline of what has occurred based on your experience. By writing your narrative, you give voice to your pain and recognize how you coped, perhaps allowing compassion for yourself to begin to emerge. Your story shows how much you trusted the addict over yourself and begins the process of developing an internal boundary where you separate your truth from your partner’s.
One of the most important first steps in healing from this personal crisis is telling your story. It begins with the crisis and how you’ve been lied to. Living with addiction means your truth is often skewed to fit the reality of the addict, regardless of whether you knew addiction existed or not. The purpose of this exercise is to validate what has happened by helping you tell your story. Narrating what happened and the impact it had on you becomes your truth of all that has occurred. It lays bare your voice; important, powerful, and freeing, since it is no one else’s truth but your own. You may have told no one the full story. Possibly you have had to share pieces of it so as to not bring more pain and embarrassment to yourself.
Narrating your story gives a beginning and an end to what has occurred. It reveals in a more concrete way all that you have gone through. The pieces of the story have been just that—pieces, scattered like a mosaic or puzzle without any shape or definition. Telling what happened becomes a way to make real perhaps what has not felt as real as now.
Writing down your story has many benefits, as it
Creates emotional distance by separating you from the problem.
Offers validation of the facts and the pain caused to you by your partner’s lies.
Provides a context for understanding why he or she wrongly blamed you for his or her moods and/or actions.
Honors the need to express what has happened to you.
Gives permission to leave a piece of the pain behind.
Separates you from your partner’s actions.
Following are questions pertaining to the events leading up to and including how you learned that you were being lied to. The questions are designed to allow you to trace back to the beginning when you discovered the behaviors. Often a place to start is the day you learned something that irreparably altered what you had previously believed or thought. Usually this is considered the crisis event—a day like no other, for it was the catalytic moment that prompted you to face your partner’s behaviors in a way you never had before. For some, this event extends over a few days or weeks.
EXAMPLES
While driving home from a work trip, I got a call from my husband, but he wasn’t calling to talk. He had inadvertently phoned me, and as I listened, I heard him talking to another woman. Then I heard them going to a hotel room and eventually I listened to them having sex. Although before this time I feared he might have had an affair, it was this phone call that changed everything between us. It’s been two years and I still can’t stop thinking about what I heard that day.
It was a week before our tenth anniversary. It’s a date I will never forget. I don’t know what to call the day—an anniversary?
Right after Thanksgiving 2006, I noticed my husband was taking the dog for walks every evening, something he never did before. He would take his cell phone with him. So when he was asleep one night I checked his call log and called the number that he’d called while walking the dog. A woman answered and I hung up. I decided not to do anything until after the holidays. In January, I hired a detective to follow him on a trip to Washington and found he was having an affair with an escort. I confronted him with the facts and told him I had gone to see an attorney who recommended that I see a therapist.
What was the date and day of the crisis event? If there is more than one, then focus on the day and date that has the most significance to you now.
Where were you and was anyone else around? Was it a public or private place?
Describe what happened.
EXAMPLES
I was visiting a friend who lived two hours from my home and I checked my email to find one from a woman telling me she was having an affair with my husband. I sat there in disbelief. I was stunned and then I got into his email account and found hundreds of emails from this woman and several others. I didn’t know what to do. My friend’s kids were eating breakfast and I couldn’t tell my friend what I just learned. I called my husband and told him I needed to see him at home and the tone of my voice must have scared him because he said he’d meet me there in two hours. I drove home and it was the longest drive of my life! To this day, I still have no idea how I got home. I was shaking and crying and nearly drove off the road.
My husband and I had been in couples’ therapy and I suspected my husband was having an affair. He denied it repeatedly. One day I signed in to check my email and he had left his email account open. I found emails from three different women. I printed out those emails. I now had facts to back up my suspicions.
What can you recall about the rest of that day?
How did you respond or react upon learning what your partner had done?
What were you feeling emotionally and physically when you learned of your partner’s behaviors that day?
Is there anything you wish you could have said or done differently on that day?
EXAMPLE
I remember confronting my husband and telling him he had to leave. It was evening. I was alone, and I sat at the kitchen table and cried and cried. I was so scared, but I knew he couldn’t stay in the house after what he’d done. It was the first time I was ever alone since being a child.
When you think of that day there may have been signs or prior circumstances that had you questioning your partner’s actions. Describe prior circumstances and/or events where you had suspicions and his or her behavior was called into question.
EXAMPLES
Ten years ago I found a list of phone numbers in my husband’s wallet. It made no sense so I called a few and found out that these were women and/or men, who, when I asked who they were, hung up.
From the time we started dating, I knew my husband was looking at porn. I thought all men did this so I didn’t mind. But last year I came across a website where he had been chatting with other women and then learned he met a woman from another part of the country. He had been lying to me and cheating with other women.
As you recall the memories of that day it may bring up prior events that had you second guessing and suspecting your partner’s behavior and you now realize you were probably right. That too is a part of your story. As you are flooded with memories of the past, you often gain greater clarity about the present, even though it may raise additional questions and cause you painful, scary, and uncertain feelings. You have been denied the truth—truth you had a right to know. Writing your part of the story helps you claim your experience.
Now you will focus on identifying those sexual behaviors, situations, or attitudes that represent your partner’s acting out. In this exercise you identify those times where warning signs, suspicions, or triggers were known to you and the ways you did or did not respond. This helps you examine how you were betrayed and deceived—often by half-truths, blatant lies, or avoidant responses thereby hampering your ability to react appropriately at the time. You will also come to recognize how you became unknowingly complicit in the acting out. By understanding these patterns, both of the addict and yourself in ignoring, denying, or overreacting to a suspicion, you will learn new ways to handle suspicions and come to trust yourself. Recognizing how suspicions were ignored often provides you with some understanding as to the development of the addictive behavior. It also empowers you to move forward with your healing.
Coming to terms with the sexual and emotional behaviors of the addict is an enormous part of what confronts you. The sexual behaviors may feel offensive, abnormal, and wrong. Learning that he or she saw prostitutes or had a long-term affair(s) has you incensed and outraged.
“How could he do this?” “What’s wrong with her?” “What’s wrong with me?” are obvious questions that run through your mind.
When you are bombarded by the images of what you found out, working through your pain seems like a tall order. Wishing you could shut out the visual images that now plague you or turn back time to when you still trusted your partner is a normal response to the trauma of intimate betrayal. You will probably experience a flood of thoughts, feelings, and new beliefs or hunches as you work to make sense of all the data. Perhaps you are someone who would rather not think of it at all and find that you stay busy and feel numb as a way to avoid the pain.
What you have learned is now a part of your story. In the beginning, the urge to know can be overwhelming and you may find yourself searching for additional facts to substantiate what you already know. Your distress and turmoil mixed with the facts of all he or she did makes you feel as though the pain and confusion will never end. You have a right to know what has occurred and what may be occurring now. Yet searching for more information and trying to clarify what is known is making you feel worse because it draws you further into the morass of the behaviors. Perhaps all this searching is an attempt to come to terms with how little control you had over everything that was withheld from you. Searching is more an attempt at self-protection and a traumatic response to how duped you were by the secrets in the past.
The list below identifies categories of behaviors in which sex addicts engage. In your journal, write down all that apply to your partner.
Masturbation.
Flirting.
Voyeurism and/or staring too long at other people.
Frequenting strip clubs.
Affairs—sexual, emotional.
Hiring prostitutes/escorts.
Phone sex.
Cybersex—viewing porn, chat rooms, online to offline activity.
Demanding sex from you.
Viewing porn on DVDs, video streaming on phone, computer, TV.
Other.
Write down your feelings as you went through the above list.
Did the checklist trigger any suspicions or old memories? Describe.
HINDSIGHT: WARNING SIGNS MISSED
While you may not have known about the sexual behaviors, most likely there were other signs that indicated something was wrong in your relationship. These can be behaviors or activities where addiction was operating, unknown to you. They are patterns that show up in the tasks of daily living that are often ineffectively addressed and over time become chronic. In a relationship where secrets and lies exist, these patterns represent the missing link, the hidden piece of the puzzle from which to draw. You couldn’t know what was kept hidden unless accidentally stumbling across it or being told.
The sexual behaviors were secret and meant to be so. But it is often those other areas where problems existed that will help you reflect on how you quieted your misgivings and doubts, or instead attempted to rehash your concerns/complaints in order to change your partner—all to no avail. Reflecting on these areas will offer you a window into where warning signs existed. Perhaps there was a pattern of allowing his or her reasoning to trump your own or believing that his or her complaints about you somehow justified the actions in some way. Coming to your own aid is discovering how you missed or possibly disregarded the warning signs. Identifying incidents and hunches becomes useful in learning to trust your own judgment as you move forward with the healing process.
The following are examples of warning signs that problem areas existed. In your journal, list all those that you now recognize may have been signs for you.
Sex—avoidance of sex, high demand for sex, novelty or wanting to try out new techniques.
Communication—avoiding conflict, avoiding specific topics, blaming behavior.
Time away from family through work.
Excessive extracurricular activity.
Imbalance in household responsibilities.
Finances—kept secret, one person in control of all assets, money unaccounted for, unexplained debt.
Chronic lateness.
Physically or emotionally absent from children.
Fighting without resolution.
Protracted periods of silence or willful emotional withholding by the addict.
Coercive behavior—control, anger.
Underperformance at work—job losses or little advancement in career.
Repeated moves due to change in work or lifestyle pursuits.
Change in social behavior—avoiding friends, activities.
Other.
DISCOUNTING YOUR PERCEPTIONS
In addition to warning signs, you may have overheard or seen something that caused you to be suspicious.
EXAMPLE
Ten years ago I found list of phone numbers in my husband’s wallet. I called the people and either didn’t reach them or they hung up on me. I went to my husband and told him I knew he was seeing other women and here was the list of names. He told me he loved me, that it wasn’t what I thought it was. He acted so outraged that I would ever doubt him and flatly denied he lied or would ever lie to me.
List three incidents where you had suspicions. For each incident describe what happened, what you did or didn’t do, and your thoughts and feelings at the time.
If you did not act on your suspicions, what did you tell yourself in order to quiet your doubts?
EXAMPLES
I told myself that was stupid thinking and wondered what was wrong with me; he wouldn’t do that.
I told myself I was just a jealous type.
I told myself I had to think only positive and loving thoughts.
I told myself he wouldn’t hurt me or the kids.
Sex addicts are masters of deception. They need this to support and maintain the behaviors not only to keep you from knowing, but also to avoid facing the truth about themselves. Whether deception is done through manipulating you with charm, bullying, or persuasion, it is also driven by a need to deflect you from the truth of what they are doing. Considering the deception being kept from you, it is understandable that you allowed behaviors and explanations by your partner to sway you against your better judgment and intuition.
Did you allow your suspicions to be changed or swayed by the addict? Explain.
THAT WHICH HURTS THE MOST
Some aspects of what you learned he or she did are more traumatizing and painful than others.
EXAMPLES
His having sex with men. This was, and still is, the hardest part for me.
When I discovered my husband had been having sex with other women I thought I would die. But when I learned one of the women was my boss that was devastating to me. We eventually divorced because the damage from that personal relationship was too great, and I knew I could never trust him again.
She had an affair with our son’s fifth grade soccer coach. That was bad enough, but then she got pregnant by him. It has brought such embarrassment and shame to our family.
For some of you, it is the blatant lying when you confronted him or her or the loss of trust that is most hurtful. Recognizing that all of it is painful, identify that which hurts the most. Of all that you learned, what do you believe will be the hardest to overcome and why?
By taking the time to answer these questions, you may feel more exposed and find you are flooded with memories that cause you to question everything about your past with your partner. Be patient and recognize that this is a response to the trauma of betrayal. Writing down your story clarifies your journey and further underscores the wrongs done to you. It also points out how you discounted, ignored, and/or minimized suspicions or doubts. Reasons for why you may have done this, although identified here, will be further explored later in the book.
There is no good time to be confronted with something of this magnitude, but we have worked with many betrayed partners, who, when faced with this deception, found they could—one day at a time—find the necessary strength and fortitude to face what was in front of them. The fact that you are reading this book demonstrates a desire to move out of the pain you are experiencing, even if it means unearthing buried or forgotten memories from the past. This is a sign of courage.
Grappling with the Language of Sex Addiction
Here is an opportunity to reflect on the language of sexual addiction and its impact on you. The words pertaining to addiction can be confusing, possibly offensive or frightening, or they may immediately offer something that makes sense and provides clarity. It is important to explore these meanings for yourself.
What comes to mind when you hear the term “sex addict?” In your journal, write down any of the descriptors below if you think it means the person:
Is perverted.
Is amoral.
Has a weak character.
Is a molester.
Is a monster.
Has no control over his or her sexual behavior.
Is bad.
Is just like (name) ______________(mother/father/other significant person in my life) and that means __________________________________________.
Is wounded.
Needs help.
Has an addiction to sex, just like to alcohol and/or other drugs.
Sex and addiction are two words that conjure judgments and varying associated beliefs. While there is a wide spectrum of behaviors that encompass what is and what is not normal sexual expression, sex and sexuality often mean different things to different people. How we form our understanding of sex and sexuality is shaped by the social, cultural, and religious beliefs of our time. Further, how our families addressed sex affects the way sex becomes viewed and experienced by us.
Various fields of study address the function, meaning, and normative versus non-normative sex and sexuality. Psychology has been heavily influenced by Sigmund Freud, who believed that our libido is driven by our sexual urges and is often not in our control since much of this stems from the unconscious. The world of literature, as well as the music industry, has contributed much to forming and maintaining the notion that the romantic view of sex is a natural expression of true love.
Religion has strongly influenced the role of sex to be specifically about procreation. For centuries there have been major differences regarding the expectations and norms for men and women. For women, sex has been strongly related to love and connection; for men, it has been more of a pleasurable physical act; and for some men (and women), it is about power and control.
The “sexual revolution” of the 1960s and 1970s brought with it cultural and social changes that freed people to have sex outside of a committed relationship. The advent of the birth control pill, and later the legalization of abortion, ameliorated the consequences of unwanted pregnancies and gave women permission to be sexual. With the introduction of the home video, the pornography industry started to boom. Marketing to middle-class males made viewing porn more of a socially acceptable activity. Social mores were changing. Magazines like Playboy, Penthouse, and Hustler become household names as the three competed for market share.
The growth of pornography expanded further with the explosion of the Internet in the 1990s and continues into the present. Accessing and viewing porn is now easier as other electronic forms of obtaining and exchanging information have become available. This has further normalized the viewing of porn, as well as expanded the variety of avenues sexual interest and behavior can be pursued. In many ways, pornography in the technological age has lessened the importance of human touch, and enables a sexuality devoid of attachment to others.
Similar contradictions and polarizing views can be seen in defining addiction. Historically, addiction to substances like alcohol and other drugs was perceived as moral decay and weakness of character. For many it is still seen as such and thought of as a lack of willpower or self-discipline. In the 1930s, a group of men got together to address their alcoholism and formed the first twelve-step group called Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). The growth of AA led to professionals beginning to see this as a treatable problem and the terms “disease” and “addiction” were coined. By the 1950s the World Health Organization (WHO), a leader in helping countries create unity in identifying and treating social ills, also began to view addiction as a disease with defining characteristics and resulting consequences. From the 1960s to the 1990s much attention turned to the disease model, as well as the role families played in enabling the problem and what they could do to change for themselves despite living with someone else’s addiction.
Today much focus, in both research and treatment, has been in the area of brain science. In the 1990s the then director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse (NIDA) at the National Institute of Health (NIH), Alan Leshner, PhD, coined the term “brain disease.” Brain science is lending a tremendous amount of effort and research to verifying how changes occur in the brain with use of substances and behaviors like drugs and sex.
Over thirty years ago, Patrick Carnes, PhD, was the first to generalize what was known about addiction to alcohol and other drugs (substances) and apply it to sexual behavior. The pioneering work of Milkman and Sunderwirth strengthened the foundation to broaden the understanding of addiction beyond substances to behavior. While there is increasing agreement among the body of treatment professionals and recovery communities from various manifestations of addiction, for the lay person and the masses living in our neighborhoods and communities across the country and world, there is still a major discord in the beliefs about what addiction is and what to call it.
Consequently, to combine sex with addiction, the term “sex addiction” is at best, confusing. For many, it is offensive and frightening; for others, it offers clarity and direction. Is this term new for you? Has anyone told you that they thought your partner was a sex addict? Have you wondered that yourself? Have you done any online tests trying to assess whether or not it is addiction? Have you found yourself reading books that explain sex addiction? After reviewing the descriptors at the beginning of this exercise, do you believe any of these apply to your partner?
Take a moment to pause and breathe, and then write down what you think of when you hear the term “sex addict.”
Describe your partner’s behavior and whether you believe the behavior is addictive.
Explain what makes you think your partner is or is not a sex addict. If you are not sure, what is contributing to your uncertainty?
EXAMPLES
He is a sex addict. He uses sex as he used drugs, and he was clearly addicted to the drugs.
He is a sex addict because he knows his pornography is hurting our marriage and yet he keeps going back to it. He can’t stop on his own, and I actually think he wants to stop.
I don’t think she’s a sex addict. To my knowledge she has only had two affairs in fifteen years and both were one night stands when she was on the road. I think she was angry with me and getting back at me.
I’m not sure. I know he had sexual secrets with his last partner, but he says it is not addictive and he can stop. I want to believe him.
Taking into account the circumstances that have led you to confront sexual addiction and the social, cultural, and religious climate that has influenced and shaped your world, it is important to acknowledge what the words addiction and sex addiction mean to you. By doing so you further engage in a process of defining and owning your experience.
The Ripple Effect: Cost of Addiction in My Life
This section will help you become aware of the pervasive impact addiction has had on you. You will identify those areas most affected. Reflecting on relationships, both personal and social, your parenting, your work, and the emotional and physical toll on yourself will give clarity as to the extent of the problem. It will also help you prioritize that which is most critical for you to address in order to establish and maintain safety in this early phase of your recovery.
You are coming to terms with information that either validates your suspicions or has taken you totally by surprise. It has shaken the foundation of your relationship, spilling over into other areas of your life. This exercise is focused on the crisis at hand—the triggering event(s) or situation(s)—that altered the course of the relationship and has you reaching for help in new ways. The following questions guide you to explore the most immediate problems facing you by identifying those areas affected and recognizing the extensive effect addiction is having on your life. It will help you to prioritize and label those critical concerns.
RELATIONSHIP
How has your relationship been affected?
EXAMPLES
He calls me from work every hour saying he is just checking in when in the past he never called at all. I find myself confused. I am angry and rude toward him, and yet, sort of relieved.
She keeps telling me it is me she wants, not those other men, and she doesn’t need to go for help, she can handle it. I walk away from her when she tells me that, or I start to rage at her. Either way I feel sick.
You may very likely be screaming (literally or figuratively) that you need answers and you want to know how this situation is going to be resolved and what the outcome will be for your relationship. Do you have any immediate relationship concerns?
EMOTIONAL
How has your emotional life been affected?
EXAMPLES
I am crying all of the time. I cry at work, in the car, watching TV, in bed. I can’t seem to stop.
I’m a walking zombie. I can’t concentrate. I can’t listen. Then I suddenly burst into tears. This all happens while I am out shopping, taking the kids to school, or at the health club. I am a mess.
You may very likely feel like you are on an emotional roller coaster. Perhaps you are the offender or the recipient of threats, verbal rage, outbursts, belittling, intimidation, etc. Do you have any immediate emotional concerns?
SOCIAL
How has your social life been affected?
EXAMPLES
He doesn’t want to go do anything, and I don’t want to stay at home with him.
Our social life has not changed, but I realize how living this lie is such a farce with our so-called friends not knowing. We pretend all is okay, and I spend my whole time being quietly angry. People ask me what is wrong, but I am too ashamed to say anything and my wife acts like everything is fine.
You may think that your social life is the least of your concerns, but for some there may be very intense situations such as being some place socially where you expect to encounter someone with whom your partner has acted out. Do you have any immediate social concerns?
SEXUAL
How has your sexual relationship been impacted?
EXAMPLES
Actually, per the therapist’s suggestion, we aren’t having sex for a while. And that makes it easier.
I find myself obsessing about what he has done while we are being sexual.
Concerns could be something such as engaging in unprotected sex or being physically forced or verbally coerced to engage in sexual practices you do not want. Do you have any immediate sexual concerns?
PARENTAL
How has the parenting of your children been affected?
EXAMPLES
I find myself distracted and not listening to my kids. They are reacting to us by being more whiny and needy. My young one has started to wet the bed again.
I have had to send them to my mother’s for the time being. I talk to them on the phone or pick them up after school for a while.
If you have children, your situation does not necessarily create an immediate crisis for them. While the possibility certainly exists, there are some circumstances where immediate considerations are indicated such as whether or not there are safety concerns regarding you and/or the children. Do you have any immediate parenting concerns?
PHYSICAL
How has your physical well-being been impacted?
EXAMPLES
I have started to have migraines.
I’ve gained weight/I’ve lost weight.
Abuse is absolutely an immediate concern, such as hitting, shoving, slapping, throwing objects, being locked up, etc. Do you have any immediate physical concerns?
EMPLOYMENT
How has your work performance been impacted?
EXAMPLES
I have told too many people at work and now I am embarrassed.
I have taken a lot of time off work saying I am sick.
Typically any work crisis involves the one acting out, but you may be experiencing work-related problems due to poor performance or frequent absenteeism. Do you have any immediate work concerns?
FINANCES
How have your finances been affected?
EXAMPLES
He has spent $50,000 on prostitutes in eight months, and I have started to hide money as a form of self-protection.
We needed to hire an attorney and had to cash in some stocks in order to do that.
Frequently there are concerns of the possibility of secret bank accounts, hidden credit cards, the cost of therapy or treatment, or the cost of living separately, etc. Do you have any immediate financial concerns?
LEGAL
Have there been legal problems?
EXAMPLES
We had to retain attorneys for the sexual harassment suit from his affair with his partner at work, and then we had to retain a criminal attorney to defend him in court.
There has been some stalking so we had to get a restraining order against one of his girlfriends.
There are frequently legal concerns, such as pending or threatened civil or criminal suits, ethics violations, paternity concerns, etc. Do you have any immediate legal concerns?
SPIRITUAL
How has your spiritual life been impacted?
EXAMPLES
I am so angry at God—there is no spiritual life for me.
I realize I don’t use the fellowship of my church for any support.
If there is a spiritual crisis it may be more internal, such as questioning whether or not there is a God. But it may also be more tangible and you question the conflict of attending or seeking guidance in your house of worship because the acting out may be related to people in the congregation or even the clergy. Is there a threat of excommunication? Do you have any immediate spiritual concerns?
Doing this exercise will help you see the pervasiveness of addiction, that is, the ripple effect. Most likely there is no part of your life that has been left untouched. At this stage what is important is to identify and prioritize that which requires your most immediate attention. By stopping the “bleeding” and focusing your energy on those areas you listed, you will become better equipped to move forward and begin the healing process.
This exercise is designed to identify how you’ve been responding to the trauma of being betrayed. It will help you identify and, more importantly, cope with triggers. Triggers are those situations, activities, or behaviors that often, though not always, remind you of the sexual acting out. Once you are triggered, it often becomes difficult to distinguish between the reality of today and the cascade of emotions and memories reminiscent of the traumatic experience of betrayal. You will look at some of the ways these triggers, when not managed, can lead to self-sabotaging actions. We will offer tools and resources to help lessen the intensity of your feelings and the behaviors and provide you with choices in how to respond in a healthy manner.
During this time of upheaval you may feel emotionally out of control. You’re preoccupied all the time and wish you could turn off the thoughts that plague you day and night. These are typical responses to overwhelming trauma. Many betrayed partners describe feeling trapped and vulnerable. The preoccupation is also a symptom of the intimate trauma as the intrusive memories remind you of what you’ve learned. They are daily reminders of what you are coping with today. These are referred to as triggers.
Triggers can be events, situations, sensory memories, and/or circumstances that remind you of the addiction and send warning signals that you might be in danger. Triggers can reflect a real or imagined threat, but foremost they are a learned response to the original trauma of discovery/disclosure. Without developing tools to handle these triggers, you will be unprepared to handle and effectively address situations with your spouse/partner today. When a trigger occurs, you are reminded again of the lack of control you experienced at the time of the betrayal. The feeling is overpowering, and you may be afraid that your emotions will overcome you or compel you to behave in ways you may later regret. At such a vulnerable time, reacting to how you feel can often have risks to you or others since it’s created from an impulse and a desire to eradicate the pain you are experiencing.
EXAMPLES
The day after confronting my boyfriend about an affair I discovered he was having, and his agreeing to see a counselor with me, I called him at work and he’s not where he said he would be. I get in the car and check out every hotel I can locate within a fifteen mile radius. It took me three hours. I get home and there he is; he had been in a car accident. Because of the mental frenzy I was in, I totally forgot that I needed to be at school for an appointment regarding my daughter. He was apologetic, but it was clearly a reaction to what I’d just learned that drove the frenzy. I felt the only way to quell my fear was to track him down.
I am just consumed with the details of what I have learned and I wanted everyone to know what a b*@#%$^ he is. I sent out emails to everyone on my Facebook and Twitter accounts telling them in detail what I had just learned. I left nothing out.
A week after I am confronted with my wife’s behavior, I am on a work trip, and this woman flirts with me and makes it clear she has an interest in me, so I thought “my wife has been doing this for years, it’s my turn.” So I did.
Having fantasies of revenge is absolutely normal; acting on them is not. Wishing that something, anything would take away your pain is understandable. Looking for immediate relief is not. Acting on revenge fantasies in the moment feels so right, and the behavior feels justified and rewarding. Your mind blocks out all other thoughts, your vision becomes narrow, and you forget everything else you know. When you move into a fight response, your body begins to respond by readying you for action through the increase of cortisol, adrenaline, and noradrenalin in the blood stream. This primitive response serves to help you defend against threat, but it also reduces capacity for rational thought, preventing you from anticipating what the consequences of your actions will be. Indulging in revenge thinking gives you a sense of power and control along with the sensation of feeling high, but only temporarily. While some people overreact, others underreact and move into a freeze response.
EXAMPLES
Since I have been aware, actually since I have had suspicions, I just cry. I can’t seem to stop. I cry and then sleep. Cry and sleep. I am not good for much at all.
I go about my day, pretending like everything is just fine, like I don’t really know any of this stuff.
It’s been three months since I learned of what he has been doing and I find myself isolating and eating, consuming large quantities of sugar. I simply go through the motions of the day.
The following is a list of reactions common to betrayed partners after learning about the addiction. In your journal, write down all the items you identify as symptoms of the stress you are encountering.
Persistently asking questions of your partner.
Searching for proof, that is, checking his or her cell phone, web history, GPS tracking.
Uncontrollable episodes of anger and rage.
Seeking revenge by telling entire family, certain friends, having own affair.
Deliberately purchasing something to antagonize your partner.
Willing to do anything sexually.
Punishing him or her with silence.
Secretly reading his or her recovery writings.
Sculpting yourself to be the perfect object of his or her sexual desire, that is, extreme dieting, cosmetic surgery, etc.
Bingeing on food.
Self-harm, such as banging head, cutting, burning, etc.
Compulsively watching television or being on the Internet.
Sleeping extremely long hours, or throughout the day.
Avoiding any discussion about what you now know.
Talking incessantly.
Continual crying.
Fearful to bring up what you both know.
Ruminating, obsessive thinking about what you picture or fantasize he or she did and what it looked like, who the partners were, and/or about revenge.
Other.
What makes these behaviors problematic is that they betray you. If you give in to the urge to exact revenge, you will suffer the consequence of further pain and often the problem for which you sought relief will still be there. In order to begin to lessen the automatic urge to react to a trigger, it is important to know that the body needs time for intense reactivity to subside. This can take fifteen to twenty minutes because the brain becomes flooded with a rush of neurochemical changes that prepare you to fight, flee, or freeze. To control an impulse caused by a triggering event, it is essential you create a plan that can be used anytime, anywhere as soon as your body is giving any sensory signs that you are in danger.
Subtle signs such as a receipt for a cash withdrawal, a sex scene on television, or an inappropriate email written by your partner can trigger realistic fear that he or she is acting out. Having the best strategies in place to handle and address triggers is essential to effectively recovering from your trauma. Here are a few ways to acknowledge and then address the triggers.
STOP TECHNIQUE
Recognizing your reactivity is the first step in stopping self-defeating behavior. Many have found it helpful, as they catch themselves in the behavior, to visualize themselves writing down or saying the word STOP. Slowly count to ten. Then ask yourself, “If I were to act on my urge right at this moment, would it help me in the long run to find answers to my pain?” Then ask what you can do or say to yourself that would be more helpful.
Other questions to ask yourself are, “What do I need right now? What would help me with my pain?” Recognize that you may not have the answer, but by posing the questions you increase your self-awareness and invite compassion into your healing process. The following sections contain tools for you to consider as a way to manage your distress.
DISTRACTION STRATEGIES
Create a distraction or an image that slows down your thinking. The following is a list of possible distractions. In your journal, write down those that you have utilized successfully and/or are willing to try.
Taking a walk.
Exercising.
Meditating.
Listening to calming music.
Writing in a journal.
Playing with pets.
Counting to ten (or one hundred).
Reading self-help literature.
Attending a self-help group.
Reaching out to or seeking out a therapist.
Checking your reality with a friend or family member or other safe person.
Other.
IMAGERY
You may also find it helpful to have an image that you can call upon to slow down your obsessive mental focus.
EXAMPLES
Dina pictured a blue-green wave washing over her from head to toe, carrying away any unwanted debris (negative thoughts) and taking it out to sea.
Eve pictured herself driving very fast as if all the signal lights were green, and then envisioned the lights turning yellow, slowing her thoughts. Then as her thoughts begin slowing down more, all the lights gradually turn red.
Phil envisioned a small harbor where he has anchored his power boat. The waves lapping against the boat from the wake he created gradually become fainter and fainter and fainter.
Sandie put her thoughts into a bubble and envisioned that bubble floating off into space. She could see the bubble rising and disappearing.
Identify an image that works for you—something that will slow the process of obsessive, vengeful thinking and gradually dissipate the thought. Be creative. You can write about an image or draw it or even cut it out of a magazine and paste it into your journal.
While the focus of this chapter is on reactivity and managing triggers, some of you may find it difficult to respond to situations in the moment. Your tendency may be to freeze or go numb during an emotionally charged event. Feelings can seem impossible to experience and identifying needs can be similarly elusive. Sometimes the numb response happens in day-to-day living as you may find it difficult to get through your normal responsibilities. These types of nonreactive responses could also be a sign of depression for which outside help from a mental health practitioner should be sought. Many of the techniques in the “Distraction Strategies” listed earlier in this exercise will also be helpful to you.
You know yourself best, so think about what would be most helpful to you. It may be as basic as preparing a meal, talking to someone about how you’re feeling, writing about what you are unwilling to do, going to bed at a regular time, returning phone calls, or showering daily.
Now identify three things you are willing to do. Feel free to add to the list above.
GROUNDING STATEMENTS
Positive self-talk can be a useful tool to manage the intensity of emotions. Think about messages or affirmations that would be useful to you. Take a look at the following statements and in your journal list all those that you are willing to incorporate into your daily thinking.
I will get through this.
This is about his or her behavior, not a statement of my worth and value.
I won’t lose myself in this process.
I have friends who will be there for me.
I don’t need to know all the answers right now.
I can trust myself.
I am worthy.
My needs are important.
While I am upset now, I won’t always feel this way.
My feelings are important.
Other.
Managing your reactivity to the many triggers is pivotal to your recovery work. So many partners find this to be one of the most challenging of all tasks in early recovery. You will most likely find that using these tools will help you when you need it most. At certain times in your healing, a particular technique may be more useful than another. Be open to using them and others that you find helpful. They will make a difference.
Bottom Lines: Nonnegotiable Boundaries
These are intended to help you stabilize the immediate crisis of being in a relationship with sex addiction as its center. We will share examples many others have used and provide suggestions to take care of you. It is an extremely important, initial step in learning how to identify and ask for what you need for your immediate safety. In this exercise you will create a nonnegotiable list of those conditions or circumstances that must be met in order for stability to be achieved in the household.
Becoming aware of your triggers means you will have to renegotiate boundaries that at one time felt predictable and safe. Since the foundation of the relationship has now become unsettled, part of managing triggers is defining boundaries best suited to your situation. This means establishing nonnegotiables, also referred to as bottom lines. They are essential, if not imperative, in early recovery.
Boundaries are borders—a line between where you end and another begins. Boundaries are sometimes flexible, with room for give-and-take between you and another; and other times fixed, like the boundaries between countries or property lines. Being able to define and act upon your boundaries creates a stronger sense of self. It also assumes you can appreciate the boundaries of others. In this exercise, you will explore a specific type of boundary—the nonnegotiable—that has very little give to it and is usually activated in situations in which personal safety is at risk. More about boundaries in relationships will be covered later in the book.
Whether through ignorance, false trust in the addict, or porous boundaries on your part, you were insulated from the deceptive behaviors. If the crisis is recent and you were unaware of the indiscretions, then the need for nonnegotiables is imperative since betrayal leaves you more vulnerable without certain immediate safeguards. Setting limits is a response to the addict’s behavior because of its impact on you. Your nonnegotiables say to the addict that “you went too far, and in order for me to feel safe and consider rebuilding trust with you, I will need the following . . . .”
The goal in establishing nonnegotiables is to protect you from being duped again and from living with active addiction. Defining your bottom lines means spelling out exactly what that looks like and projecting into the future as to whether or not you’re prepared to act upon them. Not doing so undermines your ability to protect yourself from further harm. To prevent boundary failure and promote personal success, you need to be honest about what you are and are not prepared to do in establishing nonnegotiables.
Pay close attention to the person for whom the boundary is intended and why. Nonnegotiable boundaries need to be for you—not to punish your partner, despite the urge or inclination to do so. You set nonnegotiables to honor and protect yourself. “This behavior is unacceptable to me,” is a statement of self-respect. By not being at the whim of his or her actions and inactions you’re setting the direction of your recovery.
Sometimes nonnegotiables can be perceived as controlling. As you are developing your list of bottom lines, your self-doubt may tell you that what you are asking for isn’t justified. Hang in there; this is new territory and common misconceptions happen as you try out new actions that are primarily intended for your well-being and not that of the addict. Although it may feel controlling, the distinction has to do with intention and motivation. If the goal is to stop him or her rather than to protect you, then yes, it can be controlling. But if the goal of the limit is for greater stability, then it is a boundary. Working on nonnegotiables is often best done with the support of others. A counselor, a trusted friend, or a twelve-step support person or sponsor can offer perspectives that will allow you to further think through your intentions and motivations so as to ensure you the most success.
The following are examples of nonnegotiables. You will see what others define as intolerable behavior. You can use this as a guide for yourself.
In your journal, list all the examples that pertain to your relationship with the addict.
I need you to maintain your aftercare for at least one year.
I need you to attend twelve-step meetings weekly.
Work-related travel for the next six months is unacceptable.
No Internet access without filtering software.
Assets are to be in my name.
Money will be handled by me for the next six months.
I need you to be an open book with all email accounts and cell phone bills.
I need certain named family members to be told about your addiction.
No contact with affair partner.
I will engage with you sexually once we have agreed and completed an abstinence contract and have discussed our readiness with our support people.
I expect us both to be tested for HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases.
Strip clubs are not acceptable.
Computer moved to central location.
From the examples above and your own situation, make a list of your nonnegotiables and consider what you would gain by following through with them. What would the consequence(s) be for you if you did not have these identified nonnegotiables?
The key to a healthy boundary is being willing to follow through with your bottom line. You have probably made threats in the past that both you and your partner know were not acted upon. Therefore, as you consider what your nonnegotiables are and intend to present them to your partner, you need to be prepared to act on them if they are violated. Your inclination might be to focus on relying on the addict to do his or her part, so you won’t have to do yours. But following through on your nonnegotiables is your responsibility and is a part of your recovery. To not follow through means you are enabling the behavior; you are saying the behavior is okay. You are willing to tolerate it. And neither you nor the relationship will change. In fact, it may get worse.
By taking the time to define your nonnegotiables list, you give yourself the opportunity to ensure that your actions and your words will be consistent. One man said if he ever learned his wife had contact with her ex-lover, he would immediately file for custody of their only child. A woman said that if her spouse didn’t seek inpatient care should he relapse—and for him relapse meant acting out with a person—she would begin filing for divorce. Another woman said that if her partner violated any of the nonnegotiables and didn’t tell her within a specified time period, then separation would occur. In all of these examples, these individuals had to be ready to initiate their plan of action should their partner resume the acting-out behaviors.
Here are some examples of consequences if your nonnegotiables are violated.
I will leave the marriage/relationship.
I will gather more data and wait and see.
I will ask him to discuss my concerns with his support group.
I will tell her that this is unacceptable to me.
I will sleep in a different bedroom.
I will ask him or her to go to residential treatment.
I will follow up on divorce proceedings.
From your list of nonnegotiables, consider what your follow-up actions will be if the boundaries are violated. What do you believe will help you to follow through on your commitment to yourself as these nonnegotiables become part of your self-care?
EXAMPLES
I will ask my counselor and friends to remind me that I am only enabling the behavior and it will just continue as long as I do that.
I will remind myself to take care of me now, to do certain recovery-oriented things so if I have to follow through I will have greater strength to do it.
WAIT-AND-SEE APPROACH
Your nonnegotiable list needs to take into account the totality of what you are facing and how prepared you are for the actions you will need to take if violations occur. The consequences are dependent on you. They can be small or large depending on the degree of the transgression and the reality of whether or not you are prepared to take action.
The wait-and-see approach doesn’t necessarily imply an immediate consequence will occur if a boundary is crossed. It is intended more as an observing stance whereby information is gathered and not responded to. This is especially useful for those who are prone to making threats and need time and distance from the violations.
Sometimes you don’t act on the first violation because you want to be sure that the addict won’t quickly repair the violation by recognizing it and changing course. One woman learned her partner had stopped going to recovery meetings. When she went to confront him on this as a violation of her boundary, he told her he had already recommitted to his program and he was planning to meet with his sponsor and was going to start attending ninety meetings in ninety days. In this case, he took the initiative to reassure her. This did not deny the fact he’d violated the nonnegotiable. The difference here was acknowledgment and reversing course in a more intensive way that for now brought resolution to her.
One woman’s nonnegotiable was that her spouse wear his wedding ring as a condition for the marriage to continue, something he refused to do prior to the discovery, saying it was too tight and it got in the way of his job. When he showed up one day without it on his finger, but rather in his pocket, telling her it got in the way of his driving, this violation of her request was conspicuous and compounded by other violations on her list. This became the final strike and at that point she was prepared to begin the process of separation. Another woman had the same issue and viewed this as a wait-and-see violation. She acknowledged it as something that was a negative sign of his commitment to recovery. Her follow-up consequence focused on herself, discussing it with her support group and identifying to herself and others that a violation of her nonnegotiable had occurred. This is an example of the same behavior, but with two different actions taken.
A major distinction between these two very important boundaries is that the consequences for the one are immediate and directed toward the relationship and the other person, and the consequences for the wait-and-see approach are focused on you. If you make a boundary and it is violated, you identify ahead of time what you will do for you that will have a less obvious impact on the other person. “I will be willing to explore with my therapist a therapeutic separation.” “I will attend an intensive workshop for partners of sex addicts.”
From your list of nonnegotiables, write next to each item whether it is in need of immediate action or would be in a wait-and-see category.
While some of you may want to quickly work on defining your bottom lines, take your time and be certain you are ready for what you are expecting and need. Establishing bottom lines prematurely sets up old patterns of making threats with no follow through (consequences). Nonnegotiables are to help you by creating a safe environment in which you can heal. Although we strongly believe that nonnegotiables are valid and important, we want to underscore that they are best worked through with a counselor. Your therapist will be able to help you clarify boundaries that are best-suited for your situation. You can also get feedback from other recovering partners. They will have a perspective you may not have. If your partner is not pursuing recovery you will want to strategize how you present these limits to him or her. In both cases, it can be helpful to rehearse this conversation ahead of time so you are more confident.
If you are not currently in a relationship, it is still important to know your bottom lines. It gives you a chance to see your vulnerabilities from the past and where you need to focus your attention in relationships as you go forward in recovery. Again, bottom lines are not about punishing, but are about helping you create safety for yourself.
This exercise walks you through what you need to consider when you choose to disclose your situation to others, and addresses your thoughts and feelings around who is or who is not safe to tell. It will help you explore whom you consider to be safe in telling, your motivation for sharing, and the long-term ramifications. It offers suggestions for how to handle those people who may be pushing you for information when it doesn’t feel safe or right to do so.
A consideration that weighs heavily as the shock of the addiction settles in is deciding whether and to whom you should confide. Some partners immediately reach out to a family member or a close friend. For others, it becomes necessary to tell certain people because of immediate decisions that may be made such as the addict or the partner leaving the home. In other cases, the possibility of illicit behaviors resulting in public exposure forces the issue so that you have to tell those people with whom you wouldn’t otherwise share such intimate details of your life.
The type of person you are will determine your comfort level in confiding in someone about the addiction. Often messages you tell yourself play a role in whether it is safe to tell others. For example, if you were taught growing up that feelings didn’t matter and trusting others leaves you vulnerable, it will be harder for you to open up to others. Confiding about personal problems, especially one as stigmatizing as sex addiction, may make you feel weak and out of control since you’ll have to let your guard down, something that is threatening for you. Some partners find that talking through an issue is how they process and make meaning out of their circumstances. It’s more an impulse for them to tell others, almost to a fault, as they are at risk of saying too much and isolating themselves from the support they so desperately want.
Whatever your style is, it is important to honor your own comfort. Yet whenever a crisis of this magnitude occurs, further pain and isolation can make an already difficult situation much worse. Talking about what has happened is healing. It is the bridge between the addictive system of lies and secrets and the road to recovery. By letting others in you reduce the shame and stigma surrounding the behaviors of your partner and you glean the wisdom of others, which opens you up to new choices and possible solutions to your problems. This is true for all situations you confront in life. You need people, and as a human being you derive a sense of connection by being in a relationship. Also, by not talking to others you face the risk of becoming anxious or depressed when those emotions are denied and/or pushed aside.
CONSIDERATIONS WHEN THINKING ABOUT WHOM TO TELL
This exercise presents some guidelines to explore when considering how to tell people about the crisis confronting you.
Safe People
Identify those people in your life you are considering talking to and then answer the following questions.
Whom do you consider to be the people you may want to talk to? Who would be both supportive and safe? Supportive people are friends, family members, mentors, spiritual leaders, doctors, and therapists with whom sharing intimate details feels safe to you. These are people whom you trust and whose responses are empathic. What further makes them safe is that their overarching concern is for you and they can respect your need for confidence.
Motivation
What is your motivation in telling this person? Is it to garner support or is it to get even? Is it to no longer feel the isolation of holding the secrets?
Long-term Ramifications
Three months from now, a year from now, or five years from now, will you still feel okay about having shared these intimate details of your life with this person? Some people are very safe in the present moment, but the relationship could change in the future and then they would no longer be a part of your intimate safe circle. For example, you might share with a coworker whom you are fond of, but if in time this coworker becomes your boss, then having your boss know your situation might become uncomfortable. Or sometimes, sharing can strengthen a connection to someone you previously had not considered available enough to shoulder some of your burden.
Write down any fears you may have about whom to tell.
TRAFFIC LIGHT ANALOGY
One way to think about who it is you would use or not use for support is the symbol of a traffic light. Those in the green light region will be supportive, safe, and trustworthy. What you share with them will be more open and intimate. Then there are those with whom you would like to share but have reasons to be reticent. The yellow light area includes those people whom you wouldn’t necessarily turn to for emotional support, but would need to inform them for other logistical reasons. Say you and your partner have decided to separate and it is necessary to tell certain friends and family, or at certain events you have contact with someone who asks you why your partner is not with you. These are yellow areas where you wouldn’t confide in them, yet you need to reveal enough information to give the impression that the status of the relationship has changed. This helps to keep you on surer footing as you navigate discretion without the fear you’ll say too little or nothing at all.
EXAMPLE
I wanted you to know that Mary and I have separated. This is a very painful time, but I wanted you to hear it from me rather than someone else.
Those whom you know will not be supportive belong in the red light zone. These people may be the closest to you, like a sister or a parent, but they may be people you know would judge you unfairly or not be empathetic to your plight. Their reactions to your situation would be unhelpful, and in fact, hurtful to you. They may say comments such as, “Leave him.” “All men cheat.” “How could you stay?” Or they condone or minimize the behavior and imply you are the cause of it. It may be out of ignorance, or possibly these individuals have unresolved issues that make them unavailable to share your concerns. Whatever the case, these are people with whom revealing very little will protect you from emotional harm.
As you think of people in your life, you need to consider: 1) whether or not they can be supportive; 2) if they can keep a confidence safe; 3) your motive; and 4) long-term ramifications.
EXAMPLES
1. I have this relatively new friend and we talk every day and I would like to tell her, but her boyfriend works at the same place as my husband and it would not be good if he was aware that I told about our situation.
Support: Yes Safe: No Motive: Positive Ramifications: Questionable
2. I would like to talk to my boss because at times we have talked personally, but politics can change at work and this may not be the best situation.
Support: Yes Safe: Questionable Motive: Positive Ramifications: Questionable
3. I want to tell my mom because if I don’t, someone else will and there’s no telling what she’ll be told. She will be so angry with my husband, she’ll feel compelled to tell her friends and very likely create stress for me by becoming preoccupied with my situation.
Support: Questionable Safe: Questionable Motive: Positive Ramifications: Questionable
4. I want to tell my sister-in-law. She is forever telling me how lucky I am to be married to such a good provider and she needs to know what a skunk my husband really is.
Support: No Safe: Questionable Motive: Negative Ramifications: Questionable
5. I want to tell my friend Susie because she is trustworthy and will be of great support to me.
Support: Yes Safe: Yes Motive: Positive Ramifications: None
6. I want to tell my sister Dee because she will be caring and supportive and allow me to tell others when I’m ready.
Support: Yes Safe: Yes Motive: Positive Ramifications: None
Some people, such as examples five and six, will be very clear options for you. They will be supportive, safe, and trustworthy. Consider them green light people. Those who are not safe, trustworthy, or supportive, such as example four, are red light people. Then there are those with whom you would like to share, but have reasons to be reticent. Those are yellow light people, such as examples one, two, and three.
Using the following graphic as a guide, identify the people in your life who you will or will not tell and place them in the corresponding color that best fits.
EXAMPLES
Green Light (those whom I choose to tell freely)
Susie
Sister Dee
Yellow Light (those whom I choose to tell with discretion)
mother
boss
new friend
Red Light (those to whom it is unsafe to say anything)
sister-in-law
SCRIPTING CHALLENGING CONVERSATIONS
Take time to consider situations where you might be asked questions about your relationship, particularly with those people you’ve put in your yellow or red light categories. Tailoring your story protects your privacy and aids you in not saying more than intended. In these types of situations, you might address the essentials of the crisis, but leave out your emotion or judgment. Typically, you’ll want to limit what you say by structuring it into three to four sentences.
An example of a response to someone who has heard there was a divorce or separation might be: “I am not comfortable sharing details, but yes, Mary and I are separated. Thank you for your concern.” The “thank you for concern” conveys that you are finished talking about this.
Or when he or she asks where your partner is: “Mary is not able to be here tonight, but I am glad to be here.” The statement acknowledges the comment and redirects the focus to you and away from your absent partner. By making a statement, you are not openly inviting dialogue and instead are conveying a shift in the conversation.
Sometimes, people will be more aggressive in wanting to know your business. Unfortunately this can be challenging and may be more indicative about them. “Oh my gosh Susan, I just heard these rumors about Kevin, what is going on?” You respond with a fact that offers little detail and with a tone to close the questioning. “This is a very difficult time. I hope you can respect our need for privacy.”
If the person continues to press with: “But I feel so bad for you.” Wait as if you will now share more detail, and say: “As I said, this is a really difficult time; there are problems, and I hope you will respect our need for privacy.”
Considering the above suggestions, if there are yellow or red light people who you anticipate talking to, take this time to write out what you might say. Share only what you are comfortable sharing. What you share with people needs to be determined according to 1) support, 2) safety, 3) motive, and 4) the possible ramifications.
It is helpful if you and your partner are in agreement as to who will or will not be told. For a variety of reasons this does not always work out. There may be people who you feel are important enough to tell, but whom your partner may not. Although this presents a conflict between the two of you, if your motivation is for you and supports you in your healing, then acting on your own behalf becomes part of your healing journey. In these instances, having some agreement as to what gets disclosed is where common ground can be made between you and your partner. While situations vary, it is respectful to tell your partner with whom it is you are sharing.
Knowing your motivation will help to direct you in determining with whom you will share and to what depth of detail you will share. You want to honor yourself and no longer engage in behaviors that keep you in a victim role or that isolate you in such a manner that causes your pain to escalate. At the same time you need to give consideration to those who are most safe. You will find in time the answer to this question becomes clear.
Developing a Strong Support System
The need for support that goes beyond family and friends is addressed in the following section. Several possibilities to meet those needs are presented, as well as useful resources. You also will be guided through exercises that help you explore those self-sabotaging beliefs that hinder your efforts to reach out and allow others to be there for you. You will then identify new beliefs that may help you to incorporate additional support.
Seeking support means reaching out for help where and when you can. It can bridge the distance between living with despair and shame versus living with self-respect and dignity. In the previous exercise “Deciding Whom to Tell,” you explored those relationships closest to you and thought through who was or was not safe to tell about the immediate crisis. Some of these people are friends and family, some are not. Beginning to let others know what you’re going through is a big step in breaking the isolation you are feeling. Finding a good support system is another such step in the healing process, as it is more focused on finding specialized help pertaining to the crisis at hand.
Part of living in an addictive system is the social and emotional isolation that can occur over time. This is particularly true when the nature of the problem is sexual addiction. It can be very scary to ask for help. You may find it difficult to let your guard down and allow others to help you. Even if you want support, you may not know how to find it.
Regardless of the type of person you are, outgoing or reserved, cautious or too-trusting, asking for help may bring up negative messages about whether you will get what you need or if you deserve it. Often these messages originate from your family and the environment in which you were raised. Many partners describe homes where they felt alone in coping with problems. Many may not even remember asking for help. Many grew up in families where there was addiction and the secrets and shame that supported the maladaptive behaviors meant it was not okay to let others outside the family know its problems.
These types of scenarios result in an emotionally invalidating environment and affect how you relate to others in adult relationships. You learned that asking for help backfired and that rigid self-reliance was the best way to survive and adapt in your family. How you thought about your circumstances helped you tolerate a system in which you were meant to serve the needs of the family, not the other way around.
Today you may recognize your self-talk as a hindrance to getting the support you need. You fear that no one will really understand and they will judge you. Your thoughts become a self-sabotaging cycle of beliefs that hinder your efforts to get better.
Let’s first look at roadblocks to seeking support. What do you tell yourself that prevents you from reaching out and allowing others to help you? In your journal, write those statements from the list below that you most identify with.
No one really cares about my problems.
Everyone has their own problems; I don’t need to burden them with mine.
They won’t understand the issue and will only want to blame me.
They will tell me to leave him or her.
It’s wrong to lean on others. I should be able to handle this myself.
I’m afraid I will need too much and push others away.
I feel everyone I tell should be there for me all the time.
This is too humiliating. I will simply fall apart.
Other thoughts.
If you do not seek outside support, what will you gain? Will you feel better, worse, or the same? Or, if you do not seek outside support, what will the cost be to you?
What could you tell yourself that will make it more likely for you to reach out? What are some reasons to reach out for help?
EXAMPLES
I am not the only one who has had to face this.
It would be nice to meet others in similar situations.
I don’t need to feel ashamed. It will feel good to not be so alone with my thoughts and feelings.
Others will understand.
It’s okay to ask for help.
He/she really does care about me and would want to be available to me.
