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INTRODUCTION

Incredible consideration has been given to the journey we’re suggesting you embark on as you work through Intimate Treason. With a combined fifty years of professional experience, and having worked with hundreds of partners of sex addicts, we have witnessed the journey of men and women who, having experienced profound and often repeated sexual betrayals, have found their voices and regained their self-respect and dignity. We understand the emotional roller coaster you have been on, the tough questions you must somehow answer, and the uncertainty ahead. We also know the strength and courage you have within you. While a few of you may know your inner strength is there, for those of you feeling overwhelmed and beaten down, we only ask you to put one foot in front of the other—to take this journey one step at a time. Some of these steps may seem pretty small considering all that is ahead of you. But if you are willing, we know there is a path out of your pain and toward a greater freedom of inner peace. That path begins with you.

Choosing to read this book means you have been affected by a partner’s sexual infidelity. You may have just discovered or have recently been told about the sexual indiscretions, or it may be the first time you have been willing to face this awful truth. Regardless, if you are married or not, gay or straight, you considered the relationship committed and monogamous. You may be devastated or overwhelmed and seeking answers for what to do next. You may want your relationship to work and need to know what to do to protect yourself as you go forward. You may have rationalized your partner’s actions and now, as a result, you feel that your life has no direction. You may be reading this book to prevent this from happening to you again in the future. You wonder what signs you might have missed that would have alerted you sooner to the deception. The relationship may be over, but you can’t seem to move on from the betrayal and are afraid to begin a new one. It is possible you have already been down this road before in the past with a partner who cheated on you. Now you are questioning what it is about you that attracts unavailable partners. Whatever your situation, Intimate Treason offers you a path that will support you in your journey out of the pain and heartache and toward greater happiness and relationship satisfaction.

If you believe your partner has only had an affair or two, you may derive benefit from working through many of the exercises in this book; however, our experience is that treatment for an affair is very different from the treatment of sexually addictive behaviors. The therapist not trained to treat sex addiction inadvertently and unknowingly makes the problem worse by not naming and treating this as problematic sexual behavior or addiction. This further invalidates a partner and often the relationship improves superficially, but the problem remains unaddressed. Sadly, the addiction flourishes despite the treatment. If you are someone who has been told it is just an affair and questions whether addiction may apply to your situation, then we encourage you to read further. You will gain understanding of your pain and learn what you can do differently.

RESPONDING TO BETRAYAL

The betrayal you are experiencing may manifest itself through a variety of sexual behaviors ranging from noncontact acts found in pornography and masturbation, photo swapping, streaming videos, and chat rooms, to contact acts like visiting strip clubs, engaging in prostitution, visiting massage parlors, and having affairs. Affairs may be sexual and/or emotional with people you don’t know or with someone very well-known to you. Other types of behavior can include voyeurism, exhibitionism, child pornography, or sexual abuse—all of which could lead to criminal repercussions, public humiliation, and job losses, adding an additional layer of impact to you and your family.

The influence of the Internet on sexual behaviors and attitudes should not be underestimated. While the problem of sexual addiction existed long before the technology boom of the past twenty years, the Internet has accelerated it for many people. Far more individuals are at risk for developing a problem with online pornography simply from the ease and accessibility found on the Internet. Additionally, the abundance of any type of information, from seeking particular types of men, women, or children, to ideal fantasy situations, combined with perceived anonymity, has moved the behavior into the privacy and comfort of the home.

Cybersex provides the illusion of control in seeking the perfect object of desire through the use of the computer, since the risks associated with it seem nonexistent. Faster Internet connections have allowed for more immediate access to pornographic material. This has further expanded into the hand-held device industry and has made secret and illicit acts more portable and, at times, untraceable. The fallout of this has meant that more and more people spend exorbitant hours and days at a time online leading to negative work, interpersonal, and familial consequences. Addicts have found that to keep their affairs anonymous, it’s far easier to get disposable phones or a separate phone altogether, further reducing the likelihood that they will be tracked.

Finding a sex partner in the recent past usually meant using a computer to search websites, physically going to a venue, or viewing the back pages of certain magazines. Today there are applications on most hand-held devices that allow one to seek out a partner from anywhere Internet access is available. Previously, an addict would have to have a magazine or book to view porn. Now with a hand-held device or tablet, he or she can view material while in a plane, in a train, or in a car while waiting for the kids after school.

As you struggle to gather some control over what is happening, you are likely to experience contradictory thoughts and feelings about your partner’s actions. On the one hand, you can see how completely out of control he or she is and may not even recognize the person you once knew. On the other hand, you can’t understand why he or she just doesn’t stop the behavior that is destroying the relationship and affecting the entire family. Worse, you blame yourself and think you weren’t enough to keep him or her happy or were too naive to recognize what was going on.

Perhaps you recognize this is addiction and you’re reading this book to work on yourself and the issues that led to being involved with an unavailable partner. You have been able to separate yourself emotionally from the addict and can see the addiction as his or her own. Or you can accept that there is much you will never know or understand. You are in an exploratory place of wanting to search for the causes and influences that led to your choice of a partner and are focused on what you can do to heal your pain. Or you are not the least bit resolved about what you have been told and question whether there are more secrets and details being withheld from you. That may mean you are experiencing a lot of fear and anxiety, and find yourself still preoccupied by your partner’s behaviors. Regardless of what has happened in your relationship, your willingness to read this book and to complete the exercises in it speaks to your strength and desire to take care of yourself and begin the process of healing.

LANGUAGE AND LABELS

Having your intimate world turned upside down challenges you to confront immediate and long-term fears. Along with these fears you encounter a new language intended to describe the behavior and attributes of addicts and their partners. Sometimes that language can feel stigmatizing and invalidating, especially for partners who can be made to feel responsible for the actions of the addict.

Our intention with the labeling in this book is to help identify common themes and pathways individuals take on the road to recovery, as well as what is helpful to you to find your own voice and speak from that place of truth. We also believe that language offers a framework, a road map of sorts, to direct you in recovery and along a path that has proven helpful to others who walked this path before you. Not everyone is alike and despite the commonality you may find in reading others’ stories, your journey is yours alone to make. A label is intended to bring meaning and context to your circumstances, and in that way empower you in your decision making.

We believe we would be remiss if we didn’t point out the markers, pitfalls, and common tendencies that many partners share in their journey to finding wholeness. For this reason, we see it as essential to have a common language in which to name things. Having a place where words and language are used to describe what you’ve been experiencing is tremendously validating as you navigate these turbulent waters of addiction.

We work clinically from a model based on addiction and trauma. We see addiction as defined by the person who no longer demonstrates control over the frequency of his or her sexual behaviors; whose behavior demonstrates a cyclical pattern with established rituals; maintains secrets related to behaviors; and continues with those behaviors despite adverse consequences to him- or herself and others. Our focus is on you, the loved one, to help raise awareness of the problem, foster safety where you can explore your pain, and offer hope that healing is possible. Primarily, we intend to do this by validating and bringing meaning to the trauma of intimate betrayal—a real, profound, and pervasive experience that has caused serious pain. Addressing this is the first priority. We believe that to label this anything but trauma is devaluing to you and your pain and can make accessing appropriate care more difficult at a time when it is so needed. Symptoms of trauma can also be mistaken for codependency, but to treat them as such further traumatizes you. It is our goal to help you accept and validate the trauma, and in time develop the ability to ferret out those codependent traits that also interfere with your ongoing healing.

Based on our experience observing partners confront and heal from their crises, we believe that both your pain and the constellation of your symptoms are traumatic and codependent, not either/or. Codependency is often a condition that exists for many partners who have found themselves in these types of relationships. It is these codependent traits and behaviors that you may have brought to the relationship as part of your reaction to addiction, even when addiction was unknown to you. These behaviors are self-defeating and contribute to low self-esteem.

As you address the trauma of addictive sexual behavior you will begin to peel back the layers of coping skills that were ineffective in the relationship and that compromised your self-worth. You will explore areas of the relationship where you over- and/or under-functioned and begin to see this as both trauma response and traits of codependency. You will reflect on who you were in the relationship prior to any awareness of your partner’s sexual acting out. It is at this point the characteristics of codependency may make more sense to you and you may see how they served to protect you from facing other painful truths about yourself and your partner.

We believe this book will help you determine “first things first,” which means looking at your crisis concerns versus long-term difficulties in relationships that preceded the addiction. To realistically recover from sexual betrayal we invite you to explore patterns that led to trusting an untrustworthy person. Our intention is not to blame you for someone else’s behavior, but rather to encourage self-reflection and understanding for how you got here.

YOUR JOURNEY: SPEAKING YOUR TRUTH ABOUT LIVING WITH SEX ADDICTION

There are an increasing number of books that present a framework for understanding the complexity of sex addiction and its impact on the couple; but there are few that speak directly to the partners. While Claudia has written a powerful book that offers a framework for your recovery, Deceived: Facing Sexual Betrayal, Lies, and Secrets, and Cara has addressed particular themes partners confront in Mending a Shattered Heart, what differentiates Intimate Treason from others is that this is your story and it is centered around what has occurred, what is happening now, and what you need to help you move through the fear, anger, and uncertainty that results from a relationship with a sex addict. We guide you through a process that allows you to both share and explore your own narrative, fears, ambiguity, and hopes, and discover the answers residing within you.

This is written as a workbook, which means you need a pen or pencil and a journal. Whatever you choose to use, be it a book of blank pages, or a lined notebook, or a computer, this journal will hold your feelings and thoughts, and ultimately, your direction. When you work the exercises in Intimate Treason, set aside a specific time and place where you can be focused, with as little disruption as possible. Find a comfortable spot and begin your healing process. We have placed this icon throughout the book to direct you to write in your journal. We want you to have the space to write as little or as much as you find helpful. Your personal journal allows for that. Depending on your daily life and your style of processing information about yourself, you may engage in writing daily, a few times a week, or only on weekends. We encourage you to find support, but if you can already identify a person whom you trust, be it a therapist or dear friend, you may want to let him or her know you are entering a period of self-discovery through this book.

Chapter One, “Claiming My Reality,” sets the foundation for your recovery and is meant to offer validation of your pain. You will have a structure with which to begin to tell your story, the opportunity to explore the language that may be new to you, the chance to examine the overall impact the sexual behaviors have had on your life, and most importantly, you will have access to tools with which to feel greater stability.

Chapter Two, “Turning Inward,” builds on the foundation you are now establishing and acknowledges the uncertainty you are experiencing. It contains exercises that will teach you how to safely walk through the grieving process. Chapter Two will show you how to stay physically and emotionally grounded during a time in which you may feel disconnected from yourself. It also helps you recognize your inner strengths as you discover reasons to be hopeful for yourself.

Chapter Three, “My Part of the Dance,” focuses on the core issues you need to take ownership of that relate to your part of the relationship. Emotional defenses and reactions are addressed as well as unhealthy patterns. It will also help you look at primary behavioral problems common to partners while providing you the opportunity to learn healthier ways of relating.

Chapter Four, “Recognizing the Role of Childhood Influences,” examines the beliefs and behaviors you internalized and learned growing up that have affected your relationships today. These patterns lead to self-defeating behaviors and set you up for unsatisfying intimate relationships. By framing some of the themes from childhood that helped to shape you, you will begin to see what is maladaptive today and what offers direction for personal change.

Chapter Five, “Taking Charge of Your Life,” shows you how to strengthen and build upon the skills addressed in the previous chapters. It will address a variety of immediate concerns and offer problem-solving ideas. Chapter Five sets the stage for moving forward as you become empowered to integrate and practice these skills in all of your relationships.

The last chapter, “Moving Forward,” offers exercises to solidify your recovery plans and set goals for yourself. It also helps you to consider forgiveness and its timing in your healing. It is important to know what forgiveness means to you so you can come to terms with how it does or does not fit into your recovery process at this time. Further in this chapter you will have an opportunity to explore the meaning and role of spirituality. We have seen more women and men deepen their recovery when they have incorporated a spiritual dimension in their healing that is right for them, and we encourage you to explore what that is or might look like for you.

At the time you pick up this book we know you are struggling and looking for answers. You may think the answers lie in what your partner or future partner will do; will he or she act out again; can you ever trust him or her? Our goal in writing this book is to help you see that the answers lie within you. We believe you have the power to affect your own behavior, and create choices in how you wish to live your life going forward. This book is meant to help you regain your self-respect.

By taking this life-changing step in your willingness to not just read, but do the exercises in this book, it is our hope that Intimate Treason will be a piece of your journey. Although an important piece, we realize healing cannot occur only through a book. Ultimately, it must involve sharing with others and making changes. Whatever emerges from these pages for you, we hope it will spur you on toward additional support and help from others knowledgeable about partners of sex addicts. Some of you may have already reached out for professional assistance or sought out self-help or personal resources. For others, this workbook may be your initial step toward healing. You start where you can. We are simply grateful and consider it an honor to walk with you in this part of your healing.