Читать книгу My Child "The Quick Fix?" - C.S. Harrison - Страница 6

"A child only educated at school is an uneducated child." ~ George Santayana

Growing up in Mississippi, the state of hospitality, there were two homes that I truly cherished - my mother's in Jackson and my extended family's in Vicksburg. Both households influenced the person and father I've become... paving a path of success and establishing a solid foundation on which to base my own parenting skills. While my childhood was not perfect, the lessons I learned from my many trials and tribulations have been the stepping stones to my personal and professional life. My grandmother, Lubertha, was the matriarch of the family. She raised her thirteen children to be hardworking, self-disciplined, God fearing individuals. Respected for her guidance, advice, and wisdom she provided them, they sought the same for her thirty-seven grandchildren. And for twenty years, this became her life's work at Head Start, a program that ensures vulnerable children and families have access to the support they need in order for children to succeed.

Perhaps it was her upbringing that made her successful in raising her kids and in her career. My grandmother built upon the techniques of my great-grandmother, Dora. Using the bible as her primary resource—since there was limited information during the 1930s; my great-grandmother used biblical principles to raise good, productive people.

Shirley, my mother was a young country woman. Vibrant and full of energy, she was eager to trade the country life for a more exciting one in the city of Jackson to attend college. Even though her new life was only thirty minutes away, to her it felt like traveling across America. She was leaving a pretty secure life. But, she was ready to start her own adventure. And the advice she received from her mother, "Be smart and take care of yourself," would serve her well. At college, my mother was exposed to a whole new world of information. The foundation and lessons my grandmother provided, helped her differentiate between the people who would be negative influences and those who had her best interest in mind. A beautiful, intelligent, young lady, it was no wonder my father, Henry III, found her attractive. He was born in Kansas, but raised in Chicago. Career-driven and focused, are two key words that describe him. You see, he grew up in a fast-paced environment and was taught at an early age one needed to make his mark on society. His father, Henry II, represented the American Federation of Labor and Congress of Industrial Organizations (AFL-CIO) in Chicago and trained him as if he were one of the men in the teamsters' organizations. So, when he met my mother, he was overwhelmed by what he considered a complexity of attributes... while admiring the simplicity of what made her happy. Eventually the two were married. But, after three years, my father started placing his career before his family which led to their divorce. Imagine me, a three year old child trying to comprehend why his father was leaving. With my words pleading and my heart saddened "Please don't leave daddy, I will be a good boy." Leaving my mother, forced to raise two children alone, scared and unprepared. But, her survival instincts kicked in and luckily, she was able to reach out to her family for help. Her family was her support system... no matter what happened they were there to help. While they openly gave her information about the things they knew, she wondered when and where to seek information about the things her family was not knowledgeable about. At that time, there was no internet... just people, newspapers, television, and books.

Nearly five years after the divorce, my mother started changing. Some of her friends were positive influences…others, it turned out, were negative on all of us. However; there were lessons to be learned in each interaction. Seeing that my mother's ambitions were spiraling into the abyss, my grandmother stepped in to offer sound advice, "If you want to raise good kids, you have to stay out of the streets." She also said, "You don't have to teach a child the wrong things in life, the world will teach them that. Your job as a parent is to sift through the bad...look for the good."…. "Explain why and when things go wrong, and the consequences that follow." My mother took my grandmother's advice. She knew she would have to rely on others to help care for my sister, Erinn and I, so she created a plan of action - choosing to seek out information before anything could go terribly wrong. She worked diligently every day to balance our lives by ensuring we got adequate sleep, learned appropriate and responsible behavior, gained healthy eating habits, and made sure we exercised our minds and bodies. As with many parents during that time, my mother wasn't educated in the neuroscience behind cultural exposure, healthy eating habits, and behavioral control. But, she intuitively recognized many of the factors and techniques modern parenting books now preach, and knew she wanted her children to be educated, healthy, well behaved, and diverse.

In my teenage years, I saw my mom in many different roles. She expended every effort to model the behavior she expected from us. She embodied the roles of educator, disciplinarian, and nurturer. She always demonstrated the educator. The wise old saying "Do as I do, not as I say," comes to mind - she certainly led by example. "The disciplinarian"... my sister and I had to keep up with our obligations -- no ands, if, or buts, they needed to be done. Lastly "the nurturer"... I remember her telling us, "Smile and you may make someone's day better." At times I did think of her as too strict though. Her unpredictability along with interchanging multiple roles was profound. Now that I am a parent, I understand why.

Many years later, while in the delivery room with my wife, watching my son Sloan enter this world, flashes of my life came to the forefront. Feeling overjoyed with excitement, I suddenly realized I wanted and needed to be a strong father figure for him and asked myself the all-important questions: What do I want for my child? Where will I gather information? What is my plan of action to achieve the goals I have set? In that moment, I truly understood the questions and decisions my mother and grandmother were faced with. When my son was born... into a world of manipulation, false hopes, and empty promises... I wanted to make sure he would be surrounded by people who truly had his best interest in mind.

Parenting can be overwhelming. So, where do we start? How should we raise our children? Do we replicate our parents' methods? Do we revise those methods based on social changes? Do we start over with what we believe to be correct? I believe we must do all of the above. In trying to figure out the answers to my own personal questions, can a template be formed for all children? Through years of different professions as a teacher, father, and scientist, I wondered if a system could be created. To help parents solve some basic scenarios along the path to success.

Another question is, "Does our lifestyle, the people we associate with, and who we are, influence our judgments when parenting?" In some instances yes, in others no... Children are less likely to do things they aren't aware of, so we must expose them to positive, healthy options. One of the best examples is food... children are less likely to crave candy bars and fast food if they are given in moderation. But, if you frequently introduce them to healthy foods, they'll pick and choose the foods they enjoy most. If your children make a habit of eating healthy food options, it could help them develop, maintain, and enjoy good health overall. We often take for granted our status of well-being. Health can be a tricky obstacle depending on family history. Knowing the facts and staying informed allows us to be proactive.

Social behavior at times is dictated by our peers and environment. While we cannot always have complete control over the social influences to which our children are exposed; guiding their curiosity is fostered by creating a trusting relationship with your child. If guidance is not over-reached, then children will be able to effectively choose healthy relationships and make positive choices. Children can be influenced to seek the things they know and don't know, especially when they become older. Providing solid guidance can help them avoid the pitfalls such as drug use and addiction. While developing these relationships, we need to remember trust is the key.

Educational standards can definitely be set regardless of the environment you live in. We hear constantly the disparities between families of wealthy, middle and low income families. As we raise our children, we must ask ourselves, Are we providing them too few or too many options? Are they educated enough to make the right choices? Is there a limit on what will be tolerated? All these questions are vital. We should expose our kids to different options... at the same time; we need to be cautious of the options the world offers to them. Deciding when and how to raise our children is often taken for granted. Genetics and environmental factors influence a child at the moment of conception. We should never wait until birth to begin asking important questions about childrearing. Create a plan that indicates what you aspire for your children to become and how you plan to help them get there. But, recognize that they may fall short or exceed your expectations.

As parents, we strive to provide opportunities for our children to become successful... we also hope they're happy. However, what success and happiness means will differ from child to child. As a parent there will be times you will feel alone and not possess the strength to move forward... maybe even feel like everything is going wrong. This is okay. Ask for help from educators, family members, and friends. Encouraging people will be there to help you, but you must ask for that help. Now and again we need the help of someone more knowledgeable than ourselves. Support from the people who care for you and your child makes raising your child much easier. Parenting is not something you have to do alone and master in a day's time. Once everyone around you sings a song of excellence, responsibility, and respect, children have no choice but to aspire for greatness. When they work hard to achieve their goals they feel a sense of meaning and personal fulfillment. In my family, we look to a higher power to help us to stay strong and persevere. We realized that sometimes the human capacity limits us at times. We all need help encouraging ourselves, finding that inner power to overcome. Faith has helped us through many obstacles, and I believe everyone needs someone, whether it is a spiritual figure or a person they trust, to turn to in times of struggle.

Parenting is a JOB and often before starting a new job, we educate ourselves on duties we feel we need to know before day one of actually working. This helps us feel more confident. I will admit I was not always confident in my parenting and teaching abilities. Being educated and having a strong background in the science field, I understood things to be black or white, right or wrong, and that was the way I was raised. Either I did what my parents and their support system said, or I suffered the consequences. In a world with so many variations of color and opportunity, there are not always clear and direct answers to the concerns and problems that we face today. I realize there is not one right way to raise a child and that many solutions are situational.

We often hear the quote, "Your ehild is a refleetion of you; he gets it honest." While we influence who our children become, there are also many outside factors that influence them. In science, this is referred to as the nature vs. nurture debate. However modern science proves that a child's success is not based solely on genetic or environmental factors, but rather a combination of both. Children often mimic what their parents do. My mother realized this very early on and made it her goal to be a positive role model... now, that I am a father, that's my goal too. She told us to work hard and take responsibility for our actions. She led by example and we followed.

In my own life, I see the same type of behavior with my son. After a long day of work, I sat down and watched my son, Sloan, play on the carpet with his toys. He paused for a minute... which gave me a clue he was distracted by something. Since, we were in full-fledged potty training mode and that pause meant "Take me to the potty". Before I could move, my wife, Tina, jumped up calling out and pointing in the direction of the bathroom. "Sloan, let's go to the potty!" she exclaimed. As I watched, he mimicked her exact gesture and he exclaimed, "Go to the potty!" This interaction happened a few times until she took his hand and started leading him to "the potty".

Meantime, I had my head hidden behind a pillow laughing at the sight of the scene unfolding in front of me. My wife then turned to me and said, "Chris, don't laugh it's not funny," after which she took him to the potty, and the mission was a success. This display of Sloan mimicking his mother's techniques made me more aware of how much attention he pays to what we say and how we behave. After this, I definitely had become more aware of my actions around him.

Modern society has made it more common for us to outsource the raising of our kids. Sometimes the television and internet becomes a child's nanny. These vices can introduce a variety of messages and images that can be difficult for parents, to monitor. Sometimes adults outsource their kids to other adults. Whether it is family members, friends, schools, or extracurricular programs, it is important that we, as parents, thoroughly know and understand who is caring for our children and what messages they are providing to our children.

Programs that are created and dedicated to helping children succeed can help strengthen their character, and alter negative messages and behaviors they may be experiencing. In addition, these programs can provide parents with access to information they may otherwise have had access. For instance, educators are often the first to recognize when a child is having trouble learning and can help identify ways for the school and parents to work together to improve the child's ability to succeed. Parents must be willing to accept this knowledge and use it in order for it to be beneficial. Often though, the tone and delivery of information by an educator may be misinterpreted and leaves the person receiving the information feeling belittled and more like a child being scorned than a responsible parent. Adults often ask for help, but once they are given advice, depending on the delivery they may reject the person's suggestions.

I remember an instance when I visited Houston's Smith Public Library and a baby began crying uncontrollably in his mother's arms, while she was tending to an elderly relative. The young woman appeared to be overwhelmed. The relative walked with a cane in one hand as he held onto one of her hands with the other. Once at his destination, she took her baby, (who at this point was screaming) to the restroom. I and others overheard the sounds of her spanking the child, which in turn caused him to yell and scream even louder. Immediately, I went over and asked her to stop. The woman was surprised. But I asked if I could help her understand why her son was crying like that. When I asked if the child was hungry, she became defensive. "of course, I fed my child. I am not a bad parent," she said. I softened my tone to try and build a rapport with her and as she became more comfortable, I was able to continue asking questions. After a few minutes of the child listening to my soothing tone, I began to notice he was possibly just tired as he was rubbing his eyes. I asked the mother if she had a pacifier, she didn't. So, I asked her if she had a sippy cup, she did. I held onto the child, while she ran out to get it from her car. As her son begins to calm down from the cool drink of water, I returned her son to her. I mentioned it was natural for him to be resistant to falling asleep. "Try laying his head on your shoulder -- while rubbing his back, speak to him calmly." I explained "This will help relax him" and he fell asleep almost immediately. Because of my experience in early childhood development, I helped the mother understand that when children do not have the ability to use words, they find other ways to show what they need and want. As an educator, I know children act out in different ways to get their points of view across. While some of this gets misinterpreted as whining or misbehaving, there may be other underlying reasons. We, as parents, should step back, listen, and then decide how to best approach the situation.

Throughout my years of working in early childhood development, and daily interactions with people from various walks of life; each person has a personal perspective of what they consider to be important, when it comes to raising kids. As a parent, what do you consider important?