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ОглавлениеOne of the most common ways for gay and lesbian couples to start a family is through adoption. There are many different options for adopting children, including domestic and international adoptions, and fostering. Which route to adoption you choose will be informed by mainly external factors: where in the United States you live (or what country you live in), the state of your finances, the age of child you desire and your willingness to be open about your lifestyle. See Appendix 1 for more information about adoption laws relevant to single parents or gay or lesbian couples in each state.
The most common type of adoption in the United States is domestic, meaning an American family is adopting a child born in the United States. Domestic adoptions come in one of two types; open adoption and closed adoption. They can be done either through a private or public adoption agency, or by using an adoption lawyer or facilitator. One of the first decisions an adoptive couple should make when entering this process is whether they prefer an open or closed adoption.
Until recently, closed adoptions were by far the most prevalent. Incredible amounts of secrecy surrounded adoption and, in fact, many children adopted in the 1950s and 1960s (and earlier) were never told they were adopted. Open adoptions became more common only in recent years. In a closed adoption, all records of the adoption are sealed and there is no contact between the birth mother and the adoptive family. In some cases, original documents relating to the adoption are actually destroyed.
In a closed adoption, therefore, it can be very difficult (if not impossible) for a person who was adopted to try to track down his biological parents, even once he or she reaches adulthood. More recently, in part because of an outcry from adults who were adopted as children, open adoptions have started to become more popular.
Open adoptions can range through varying degrees of “openness.” In some open adoption situations, the birth mother and the adoptive family have each other’s names and addresses. They can choose to have no contact at all, perhaps until the child reaches adulthood and may wish to initiate such contact. They may exchange yearly letters and photos, perhaps even presents and phone calls. In other cases, there is a much closer connection between the birth mother and the adoptive family–they may visit each other, and the birth mother (and other members of her family) may be fully accepted as an extended family for the child. If you wouldn’t be comfortable having the potential for a relationship with the birth mother, then an open adoption probably isn’t the best choice.
PRIVATE DOMESTIC ADOPTION
There are two main ways to go about adopting a child domestically. The first is to use a private lawyer, adoption facilitator or adoption agency; the second is to go through a public agency.
In the case of private adoption, one option is to find a lawyer who specializes in adoption law. This is often called an “independent” adoption.
Mary and Michelle, a lesbian couple in New York, had wanted a child for years. Both had infertility problems, though, and they ultimately decided to pursue a domestic adoption. They wanted to raise a newborn, so they retained a lawyer who had done about 200 private adoptions. He began the process of looking for a child on their behalf, placing advertisements in various clinics around the city. The women knew that they wanted an African-American baby, less than three months old, and in good health; at that point in their lives, they didn’t feel that they could handle adopting an infant with special health needs. Because they were upfront about this with their lawyer, they were spared being offered children that they knew they couldn’t accept.
Generally speaking, many private adoptions are for newborns. When a pregnant woman decides she wants to make an adoption plan for her child, she will often find and contact a lawyer. She may look in the yellow pages, check for ads at low-cost medical clinics or do a search on the Internet.
When Mary and Michelle registered with their private adoption attorney, they were given a lot of paperwork to fill out. “Our lawyer basically wanted to know exactly what kind of child we’d accept,” Mary recalls. “But he also had to get to know us, personally. We told him everything from age and race, to our health histories. He had to know if we used any drugs, or had any major health problems.” Michelle continues, “We also had to write a ‘Dear birth mother’ letter. We introduced ourselves as if the birthmother would be reading it to see if we’d be good parents for her baby. We described how much we love sports and music, and told them about our cats, the house we live in, our neighbors – everything we could think of that would make a good impression.” These letters often include details such as religion, educational background of the potential parents, pictures of their homes and themselves, etc.
For gay and lesbian couples wishing to go through this process, the probability that a birth mother will choose them can be fairly low, depending on the area of the country. However, there are some circumstances in which a birth mother might actually prefer a gay or lesbian couple to raise her child. These include cases where the birth mother chooses a gay male couple perhaps because she believes that they will have a higher income, or because she doesn’t want to be replaced as a mother figure in her child’s life. Lesbian couples may be chosen by a birth mother who thinks that her child will thrive in an environment with two mothers rather than one, or by a woman who has had bad experiences with men and prefers that her child be raised by women. Mary and Michelle waited about ten months before they got the call they’d been waiting for – they had been chosen by a birthmother who was due in a little over a month. Michelle says “One of the reasons this birthmother chose us was that we were a lesbian couple – she didn’t know any lesbians personally, but liked the idea of her child having two mothers. I guess being out in our profile actually helped us! She also said that our house looked cozy and friendly, and she liked the fact that we both have big extended families.” Mary and Michelle soon adopted a newborn baby they named Angela, and exchange letters and photos with her birthmother once a year. “Maybe we’ll meet her sometime, when Angela is older….but we’ll leave it up to Angela how much of a relationship she wants,” says Mary.
In some cases, birth mothers choosing a private adoption don’t want to have any input at all into the selection process. Searching for parents for a child takes a huge emotional toll on pregnant women. They may leave the choice of the adoptive family completely up to the agency. In such cases, called “closed adoptions,” the adoption agency will choose the best qualified set of parents on their waiting list of potential adoptive families. They’ll often pick the family who has been waiting the longest. In cases where the birthmother has no express wishes, more equality is often created for gay and lesbian families; particularly in states or areas that are less accepting of homosexuality, a gay family may be picked by the agency, rather than the birthmother.
A private adoption is often the only way to adopt a healthy newborn (assuming that’s what the parents want), but the cost can be prohibitive. While it is illegal to directly pay the birthmother for the adoption, oftentimes the adoptive family will be responsible for lawyer’s fees, agency fees, hospital expenses and prenatal care for the mother. In some cases, the potential adoptive family will provide support for food and rent for the birthmother until the child is born. These costs can quickly exceed $20,000 or $30,000 and there’s no pre-determined limit; the costs can keep soaring throughout the pregnancy.
In a private adoption, there is no requirement that you live in the same state as your adoption agency or the birthmother. This is important, because the rights of the birthmother and adoptive parents vary widely from state to state. In some states, such as New Jersey, the birthmother has only seventy-two hours after the child is born to sign a document relinquishing her parental rights; this document, once signed, formally frees the child for adoption. In other states, the birthmother has a much longer period, up to six months in some cases, during which she can change her mind before the adoption is finalized. An adoption is not finished until the birthmother has legally relinquished all parental rights and the appropriate waiting period has passed. If you don’t want to take the chance of a birthmother deciding that she wants to retain custody, carefully consider whether private adoption is for you.
One of the biggest risks with a private adoption is that the birthmother may change her mind, either before the child is born or before the termination of parental rights is finalized. The birthmother may suddenly decide that she really doesn’t want a gay couple raising her child, or that she wants to parent the child herself. If this happens, you may have no legal recourse to recoup any of the living or other expenses you’ve already paid.
See Appendix 2 for a list of domestic adoption agencies, sorted by state, that are reported to be friendly to gay and lesbian singles and couples who wish to adopt.
PUBLIC DOMESTIC ADOPTION
The second major type of domestic adoption is for prospective parents to go through a public adoption agency, such as the Department of Social Services. Although newborns are sometimes available via this route, most children available for adoption in this way are slightly older, ranging in age from a few months up to teenagers. The ages and races of children available for adoption through the public route vary widely from place to place around the country – some areas may have mainly older children, others may have many babies available. One of the big advantages of a public adoption is financial. Parents adopting through the Department of Social Services often pay minimal fees, and the children may even come with stipends to cover living and medical expenses for a number of years beyond the adoption.
Many agencies have foster-to-adopt programs, where a child can be placed with you as a foster child before her parents’ rights are terminated and she is legally freed for adoption. Sometimes, the risk to the potential adoptive parents can be reduced because they can choose to consider only children who are legally free for adoption. This method eliminates the possibility of the birthparents changing their minds during the adoption process. However, it also limits the number of children available. Depending upon your state of residence in the US, adoption through a public agency may or may not even be available. On the other hand, in some more liberal areas, such as the San Francisco Bay Area, gay and lesbian couples are actively recruited by public adoption agencies.
WHAT ABOUT TRANSRACIAL ADOPTION?
While many families prefer to adopt a child of their own race in order to create the assumption that the child is biologically theirs, interracial or transracial adoption can be a very good choice for gay and lesbian families. James and Chad are a gay male couple living in Los Angeles; James is African-American, Chad is Caucasian. They decided that adopting an interracial baby would be the perfect way to expand their family, since both men felt that their cultures would be “represented” in their child. In addition, it actually sped up the adoption process; at the time they were looking to adopt, there were no white newborns available for adoption, but there were several interracial babies looking for a home.
While race isn’t of concern to some adoptive parents, it should always be considered deliberately. Take some time to think about the reality of your life, the part of the country you live in and your personal feelings on the subject. Above all, be honest with yourself and your partner.
One thing to consider with transracial adoption is that the presumption of parenthood will be different than if you adopt a child of your own race. In families whose ethnicities all match, it’s generally assumed that adults and children are biologically related. With a multiracial family, though, people’s assumptions are challenged. This isn’t a bad thing, but it’s something to be aware of. When at the mall or grocery store, for example, you may be asked if you are babysitting. If just one parent is out with the child, people may ask or assume that the ethnicity of the other parent must match that of the child. Be prepared for intrusive questions, and also be aware that you’ll need to protect your child from these questions as well. Plan out in advance what you can say to protect your children from cruelty or ignorance.
In the case of gay and lesbian couples with transracially-adopted children, some people in positions of power or authority may not conceptualize, understand or believe in your family. In one recent case that made the newspapers, a white male couple and their adopted African American daughter were stopped at a rest stop in a southern state and the police were called by a bystander, who assumed that the couple had abducted the child. The bystander didn’t understand that the three were a family, and instead assumed a nefarious situation. The police later pulled over their car. Fortunately, the family was traveling with adoption papers and had photographs of the three of them together, and the child was old enough to refer to both of the men as her daddies. The police eventually recognized that they were a family and let them go on their way. If your family is multiracial, be prepared to define your family and prove your connections to each other.
A further consequence of transracial adoption is that the adoption becomes, in a sense, public property and public knowledge. In many parts of the country, for example, adoptions of children from China and other Asian countries are common enough that when a white couple is seen with an Asian child, it’s assumed that the child must have been adopted. In adoptions where the ethnicity of the child matches the ethnicity of the parents, the adoption remains more private – it is something that can be told by the family, as desired, to friends, relatives or strangers, but is not immediately obvious at first glance to an outsider.
If your choice is international adoption, the adoptive parents commonly spend anywhere from a week to a month or more in their child’s country of origin while finalizing the adoption process. You can learn the country on a more intimate level than what would be available in a standard tourist trip. In many parts of the world, there are various cultural groups that adoptive parents can use to keep their children in touch with their cultural heritage.
Transracial adoption is becoming more and more popular in the United States and other countries. One recent study estimated that about 10 to 15 percent of adoptions in the US involved children and parents who were of different ethnic or cultural backgrounds. When Jerry, a single gay man, attended his first open house at a local adoption agency, he was told that in his area, 95 percent of the parents who wanted to adopt were white, while 95 percent of the children available for adoption were non-white! And, of course, most international adoptions are also interracial adoptions. After considering his options, Jerry went on to adopt an adorable five-year-old Hispanic boy, Juan, through the local department of social services. Jerry reports: “Juan is teaching me Spanish, and I’m helping him with his English. So far, he’s a lot better in English than I am in Spanish! We enjoy exploring various ethnic foods and Hispanic parts of town, and I feel that bringing a child from a different culture into my life has really enriched my understanding of my part of the country.”
DEMYSTIFYING INTERNATIONAL ADOPTION
Sarah, a single lesbian from New Mexico, had desperately wanted a child for years. She always thought that she’d wait until she found the perfect woman, but it appeared that she was destined to be single awhile longer. She’d dated, even been in a short-term relationship, but nothing had worked out. One constant in her life, though, was an urge to parent, and it was growing ever stronger. She had traveled to Russia during her college years and loved the people, the language and the gorgeous scenery. Her great-grandparents also hailed from Moscow. For her, adopting a child from Russia was an obvious choice, and one she began to pursue seriously.
International adoption is an increasingly popular choice for many singles and couples. These sorts of adoptions are typically done through an international adoption agency, rather than a state-run department or a private attorney. There are many different international agencies to choose from, depending mostly on where you live and what country you want to adopt from. Your own location, though, isn’t that important; if you live in Arizona, for example, you could easily work with an agency based in New York.
The international adoption process is fairly complicated. You will first locate an international adoption agency. You will fill out some paperwork and will be accepted (or rejected) by the agency; there is usually a deposit required at this point. The agency will then show you videos, photos and medical charts for children who are available for adoption. Around this time, you will also begin some extensive paperwork required to adopt from any country; you’ll need to solicit and obtain letters of recommendation, certifications of employment, a medical checkup, financial verification, fingerprinting, proof of no criminal record, a current passport and a host of other documents. Expect all of this to take several months to complete. In the meantime, you can select a child and begin a separate set of paperwork for the actual adoption. In many cases your agency will prepare a dossier of paperwork and ship it off to the country you’ve chosen to adopt from.
Eventually, the foreign country will approve (or reject) your desire to adopt, and you’ll make a trip to see your child. Some countries now require two separate trips, while some allow you to stay in-country for several weeks and finish the adoption in a single overseas trip. Other countries only give you a referral for a child right before your travel date is determined. Once there, you’ll meet your child and should have the opportunity to decline the adoption if the child doesn’t meet your expectations (or has medical problems that were not apparent before). If you choose to go ahead with the adoption, you’ll go to court, obtain a judgment certifying that the child is now yours, and will fill out yet more paperwork to secure a new birth certificate, travel visa and passport for your child. The child will also get a thorough medical exam in-country before he is allowed to leave. Eventually, all the paperwork will be completed, and you and your child will be on an airplane headed for home and your new life together.
There are many major decisions to be made, but the first crucial thing to decide when considering international adoption is the country you’d like to adopt from. Sarah knew that she wanted to adopt a child that shared her ethnic heritage, hence her decision to adopt from Russia. Race may also play a role in your selection of a country to adopt from; if you will only accept a Caucasian baby, for example, you may not consider agencies that only work with Guatemala and India. You should instead focus on agencies that work with Russia, the Ukraine and other European countries.
Sarah didn’t have a gender preference. In Russia, she had a choice of genders; at the time she was adopting (1997) there were both girls and boys available. While most countries will offer children of both genders for adoption, be aware that some (like China) are much more likely to have baby girls up for adoption, while others (like Vietnam) often have more boys available than girls. In general, adoptive parents seem to preferentially choose to adopt girls rather than boys, so in some countries the wait for a girl may be longer than the wait for a boy.
Many countries will give preferential treatment to parents of the same ethnic background as the child they wish to adopt; for example, if you’re of Indian descent and want to adopt a child from India, you may get a referral faster than someone of another background. To adopt in Japan, only married couples are allowed and one must be of Japanese descent. Most gay couples will want to look to countries with less severe restrictions.
HOW YOUNG WILL MY BABY BE?
Almost all countries have regulations and waiting periods that will make it impossible for you to take home a baby less than six months old. The reasons for this are complex, but most other countries want to give their own citizens (or the child’s birthparents) time to adopt a child before surrendering it for international adoption. Six months is a typical waiting period. Discuss with the agency the youngest child you can adopt, and ask which countries currently have the youngest children available and ready for adoption.
Sibling groups can sometimes be adopted at the same time, which saves on travel expenses and other fees. If you’re sure you want a large family, it may make sense to look into adopting two siblings from the same orphanage. A sibling adoption may often go faster than a single; most often these children have been waiting for some time to be adopted, and will have already gone through the required holding periods. Some countries also allow the adoption of two unrelated children at the same time, though many agencies discourage what is known as “artificial twinning” when two unrelated children of approximately the same age are adopted together.
WHAT IF MY CHILD IS SICK?
Making a decision as to your willingness to take a child with potential health complications will be important in your decision. Some children placed for adoption in other countries will have some sort of health problem. The problem may be no more serious than head lice or an upper respiratory infection, but it could also include birth defects like a cleft palate or serious medical issues. Of course, children available for adoption domestically can also come with their own medical issues, but they are easier to diagnose and understand from nearby rather than relying on long-distance diagnoses that are often fraught with translation problems. In international adoption, most agencies will supply videos, photos and other information about the child, and you’ll want to bring or mail these videos to a doctor who specializes in children from foreign orphanages. He’ll be able to examine the video and give you an idea of how healthy your child actually is.
With Sarah’s adoption, she was surprised to find that her potential daughter had about twenty listed problems and disorders – everything from schizophrenia to Down’s syndrome! “I sent the videos to a doctor who’d dealt with a lot of Russian babies, and she told me that they (the orphanages) often do this – list tons of medical problems that the baby may or may not have. Apparently, they have these “full disclosure” policies so that if something ends up wrong with the baby, I can’t sue them later. I figured the baby looked healthy, the doctor thought she looked healthy, and there was no way she could have had ALL of these problems anyway!”
Adopting children with special needs comes with its own set of problems and joys. You’ll usually need to prove that you have adequate medical insurance that will cover care and treatment for the child. On the plus side, these adoptions often go faster and are less expensive than adopting a healthy newborn. These children may have been waiting for months or years, and the paperwork will usually go through faster. Adopting a child with medical issues, such as a cleft palate, that are easily addressed in the United States but might be beyond the capabilities of the child’s birth country, is one way that an international adoption can make a huge difference in the life of a child.
CAN I EVEN AFFORD TO ADOPT FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY?
The actual adoption expenses may be less than $10,000, but there are many other fees to take into account. An agency will surely charge a fee for their services, probably ranging from $2000-$5000, as will many of the agencies in-country. Sarah tried to recall all of her expenses. “Bear in mind that this was seven years ago, but here goes. The adoption itself was around $7000. The agency charged me about $8000 on top of that. Travel expenses for my aunt and me were about $4000. All the gifts we brought cost close to $500. And don’t even get me started on the apostiling!”
Sarah is referring to the fact that all documents, from health and bank statements to home studies, have to be notarized and apostiled (a state-level notarization that insures that your notary public is properly registered) before they can be sent to the country you’re adopting from. Both of these services come with fees, which can add up when you consider the number of documents you’ll need to have officially verified. International travel costs can also be considerable when you take into account that you may have to make more than one trip and you’re responsible for your hotel, travel and other expenses in-country.
International adoption can cost $35,000 or more, and the prices can vary somewhat from agency to agency, so it’s a good idea to compare prices before committing to one particular agency. When Sarah was working with her adoption agency, she mentioned that she had lived with a family in Russia before; because she had kept up contact with them, she was actually able to stay with her host family for part of her time in-country. This saved her from paying hotel fees for her entire visit, which took about $500 out of the cost of the adoption. Every bit helps!
DO WE TELL THE AGENCY THAT WE’RE GAY?
Perhaps one of the most difficult parts of adopting as a gay or lesbian couple will be finding an agency who will work with you. In the case of international adoptions, if your application is rejected, it will usually not be because the agency in the United States is homophobic. Rather, almost every other country has rules restricting adoptions to heterosexual couples or singles (and single women may adopt in far more countries than single men). Be forewarned that almost no countries are willing to work with homosexual couples.
Before even approaching an agency, you should decide if you want to present yourselves as a gay couple, or whether you will choose one partner to act alone. Some agencies have a “don’t ask don’t tell” policy and if you don’t mention outright that you are a gay couple, they may work with you; others may reject you outright if they later discover that you’re a gay couple, so it’s best to learn an agency’s policy before committing. One way to do this is to make an anonymous phone call to inquire about the agency’s policies; you can also network with other gay and lesbian adoptive families to find which agencies they used.
If the agency is known to be gay-friendly, then you should be as open about your relationship as you’re comfortable being. In this friendly scenario they should treat both partners as equal parents of the child-to-be, and they’ll advise you as to which countries allow homosexuals to adopt. It’s important to understand ahead of time that, as a gay couple, you will be expressly forbidden to adopt in just about every other country. If you want to adopt internationally, you’ll need to accept these limitations. Ultimately, many people feel, the child is what matters, so if you choose to pursue an international adoption expect to swallow your pride at certain points along the way.
While most countries prohibit gay couples from adopting, most do allow single individuals to adopt. Currently, these include India, Kazakhstan, Russia and Ukraine. Some countries, like Japan, heavily discourage single people from adopting; other countries may have different age limits and other requirements for would-be single adopters.
Although we are not advocating not telling the truth, we wish to present all options. If you’re in a gay or lesbian relationship and want to pursue adoption, one choice may be to pass yourself off as a single person with a “roommate.” This approach may be morally distasteful to couples who don’t want to feel they have to be dishonest about their relationships. Legally speaking, in most states a gay couple does actually consist of “roommates” rather than two people married to each other.
There is no legal obligation to present yourselves as a married couple if you’re not. An exception will be in states within the United States that allow domestic partnerships; these can be legally-binding arrangements, depending on the state. In this case, locate a gay-friendly adoption agency and ask them how to proceed.
If you’re in a gay or lesbian relationship and want to adopt from a country that only allows married couples, you may find it tempting to consider a “quickie marriage” to gain eligibility. Kelly and Greg, a gay male couple from Portland, had been together for several years before deciding to adopt. Although they tried, they were unable to adopt as a gay couple and became frustrated. “I’d had my heart set on adopting a baby from India,” Kelly says, “but India doesn’t allow adoptions by single men, let alone gays.”
Kelly and Greg had several close lesbian friends, and Kelly married one of them so that he and his “wife” could qualify for the adoption. If you choose this type of arrangement be aware that most countries require a married couple to have been married for a certain length of time (usually at least three years).
If you decide to present yourself as a single person, be ready for some preparatory work. Inform the people writing recommendation letters for you to portray you as a single person. When the social worker comes for the home study, you must present two separate sleeping rooms for you and your “roommate.” In some cases, one of the partners might move out for the duration of the adoption process, so that no one from the agency can later “accuse” the two partners of being a couple.
Any such subterfuge may place great strain on your relationship. If one partner is undecided about adoption, these requirements may be substantive. On the other hand, if you’ve been in a committed relationship for years you and your partner may decide that the child is more important than anything else.
In the interviews with the social worker (there will be several, both before and after the child arrives), think carefully about how you will discuss your plans to take care of the child. If you decide to present yourself as a single parent talk about “me” and “I” rather than “we” and “us.”
Some countries require an affidavit of heterosexuality. Part of the adoption paperwork may demand that you sign a document certifying that you are not homosexual. Currently, such countries include China and sometimes Guatemala. The danger of proceeding in this situation is that the adoption could be revoked if the foreign country eventually finds out that you are, in fact, gay. While the odds of such a reversal happening are slim, some gay couples may decide to abandon the idea of adopting from these countries.
ARE WE TOO OLD TO ADOPT?
Most foreign countries have age requirements for the parents, though they can vary quite a bit. Many countries require the parents to be at least thirty. Generally, adoptive parents also can’t be more than thirty-five or forty years older than the child they’re adopting. Married couples often are required not to be more than a certain number of years apart in age. www.adoption.org is a great resource for quickly researching the adoption laws of different countries.
CAN WE BOTH TRAVEL TO THE FOREIGN COUNTRY?
When the adoption has been finalized and you’re making plans to pick up your child, a major issue for gay couples who are adopting as singles will be whether your partner comes on the trip. The agency with which you’re working may specifically advise you not to travel together, as some countries have rejected adoptions if, for instance, a “single woman” walks into court holding hands with a female partner. It is particularly unlikely that two men would be allowed to travel together – some gay men doing international adoptions have brought their sister, or even their mother, along to help provide some child-rearing expertise. Sarah, one of the prospective adoptive parents of whom we’ve spoken, was traveling to Russia with her aunt. She still had to convince the adoption agency that her aunt wanted to come along to help out, and also to see some of the country: “The agency kept insinuating that she was really my girlfriend. They tried about six times to get me to go alone, but we finally convinced them.”
Remember, as we’ve said before, the adoption will be a life-changing event for all parties involved. Both partners in a couple will probably want to pick up their child. If you’re willing to be discreet, some agencies will allow you both to travel; the non-adopting partner usually takes the role of a “support person” or “best friend” who’s traveling to help with the new child. However, if the agency tells you early in your working together that you that this won’t be possible, you may need to consider adopting in a different country or investigate working with another agency.
Bear in mind that many countries, particularly Russia, now require prospective adoptive parents to make two trips. If one partner cannot miss work twice for international travel, then it may make sense for the other partner to be the parent of record for the adoption. These sorts of issues need to be considered well in advance.
FOSTERING
Some families may decide to provide foster care to one or more children in need of a temporary home.
Some gay families may choose fostering over adopting because it allows them to help both a needy child and the community. Many United States agencies are willing to let gay parents serve as foster parents. Perhaps one partner may have been in foster care as a child and feels a strong urge to “return the favor” by serving as a foster parent himself. Foster parenting provides a needed home for children, though often on a short-term basis; it is a route well worth considering.
FOSTERING IS THE SAME AS ADOPTING, RIGHT? NOT EXACTLY…
Foster parenting differs from adoption in that children placed for adoption have been legally freed when their birth parents’ parental rights are terminated (for a variety of reasons). Children in foster care are not legally free for adoption. The goal in most cases, when children are removed from their original homes and placed in foster care, is for the eventual reunification of the children with their biological families. Thus, foster care is seen as a temporary solution, while the birth parent or parents undergo such measures as drug treatment, parenting classes or finding employment.
SO HOW DO I GET STARTED?
Becoming a foster parent is a process that will take some time and perseverance. The first step is usually to visit a local foster parent, talk to them and get some idea of what to expect from the experience. Following that, the prospective parents should contact their state’s department of children and families to request information on foster care agencies. These offices will have applications for becoming foster parents, which can be quite extensive – they’ll include medical and physical tests, financial reports, references and usually a letter from the parent on why they want to foster. If your family is approved for foster care, you’ll undergo extensive training to help your family cope with your new charge (or charges).
As with adoption, a prospective family should decide what age and race of child they’d be willing to welcome into their home. They’ll also need to decide if they can handle a child with special needs. A major factor is that, unlike a newborn coming from an orphanage or hospital, most children in foster care are older and may have been the victims of abuse or neglect. They’re likely to come with some sort of physical or emotional problem, and foster parents need to be prepared for anything.
One pathway through which some couples adopt is called “Foster-to-adopt” or “Fost-adopt.” This method involves taking a child who has not yet been legally freed for adoption (i.e., termination of parental rights has not yet taken place), but the court system and Department of Social Services all agree that this is the route which is being taken. In this situation, a child can live with you on a temporary basis with the possibility of making it permanent, once parental rights are terminated, if the child is a good match for your family.
When any family is trying to get approved as foster parents, part of the process will be to have a home study in which the house (and people living in it) are certified for fostering. This home study is usually less intense than that of an adoption, but the same rules for gay families will apply. If you’re attempting to foster as an out gay couple, make sure that you find out ahead of time whether your particular region is amenable to having homosexual foster parents. Be prepared for the possibility of rejection based solely on your sexual orientation. If you’ve applied and been certified as a foster parent but have yet to have any children placed with you, don’t be afraid to inquire directly with a case manager or foster care supervisor. If you and your partner think that you’re being passed over because you’re a gay household, you may unfortunately have little or no legal recourse. However, sometimes a personal approach can make all the difference. If you can change one person’s mind, you may go on to great success as a foster parent.
Since foster parenting is often done on a county or city-wide level, it’s possible to circumvent regulations at the state level which may be hostile to gay and lesbian families. John is a single gay man, living in Florida, who wanted to start a family through adoption. The state of Florida has an outright ban on gay and lesbian people adopting children, and unfortunately John wasn’t able to move to another state; his parents were ill, and he wanted to remain close to them. John consulted with a lawyer and found that Florida has allowed gay couples to act as foster parents in certain regions, and he is currently fostering two babies. Inform yourself of your own state’s laws.
As a potential foster parent, you can choose the age range of children that you’re interested in fostering. One fact to consider when contemplating fostering a school-age child or teenager is that he or she may have some preconceived notions about gays and lesbians. Especially with a teenager, you may encounter some outright hostility. Be upfront about your sexual orientation at all stages of the process, and make sure your case manager informs the child before he shows up at your door; this sort of “complete disclosure” may avoid unpleasantness later. On the other hand, your family may be ideal for a young gay or lesbian teenager! Being placed in a supportive, nurturing family is the best thing that could happen for them.
One of the most difficult parts of fostering is the fact that you are, essentially, a temporary parent. There’s always the chance that you’ll be giving the child back to child services at some point, and your family will need to be able to deal with this emotional upheaval successfully. There’s a balancing act involved here: providing a loving family while not growing completely attached. Make sure you and your partner are up to this challenge before endeavoring to become foster parents.
CONCLUDING ADVICE
The decision to adopt is one that has to come from within. Once you arrive at this decision, though, you’ll constantly need to interact with agencies, courts, lawyers, social workers and all the other people who will help make your particular adoption a reality. Have patience with the paperwork; there will be a lot of it! One day, though, you’ll achieve what makes it all worthwhile, bringing home a beautiful child of your own.
QUESTIONS FOR PROSPECTIVE ADOPTIVE PARENTS:
1. Will I be satisfied and fulfilled by adopting, as opposed to giving birth to a child? Am I okay with the fact that my child will not be biologically related to me?
2. If you have tried infertility treatments, are you finished with them? Many agencies require that all attempts to become pregnant stop before the adoption process begins.
3. How do we feel about interracial adoption? Explore any preconceived notions that you and your partner have about adopting a child of a different race. Be completely honest about your comfort level, and make sure that you and your partner are on the same page.
4. How do parents and other relatives feel about adoption?
5. Would we consider adopting an older child? What age range? Under a year? School-age?
6. Would we consider adopting a child with special needs?
7. How do we feel about open adoption vs. closed adoption? How much contact with the birthparents would we be comfortable with?
8. How would we deal with an adoption disruption?
9. Can we afford an international adoption or a private domestic adoption?
10. Am I comfortable with hiding my sexuality from certain agencies or others involved in the adoption process?
