Читать книгу Gay Parenting - Cynthia Phillips - Страница 8
ОглавлениеThe decision to raise a child is, without a doubt, the most consequential one you will ever make, simply meaning that this choice is full of consequences! It is also full of love, energy, happiness, sadness, sickness and health.
Gays and lesbians arrive at the decision to become parents through many different courses, all of them involving soul-searching and in most cases research. Gay families will encounter issues that straight families generally do not consider. The road is not always easy, but the end of the journey is, in our opinion and the opinions of those we’ve interviewed, worth every moment of stress and contemplation. The goal of this chapter will be to explain some of the “generic” issues crucial to any family on the brink of parenthood, and will pay special attention to ones that gay and lesbian parents need to be aware of.
Gay families often consist of two mothers or two fathers; single gays and lesbians, as well as bisexual and transgender individuals, can, of course, start their own families as well. A note on terminology: we will often use the shorthand “gay family” or “lesbian family” to actually mean “gay or lesbian parented family.” In most cases of a gay or lesbian couple with children, it is the parents who are lesbian or gay, not necessarily the children!
Extended family can be one major source of either bliss or contention in a gay family’s life. Factors that may affect the role that the extended family plays in your child’s life are the quality of your relationships with your in-laws and your own relatives’ degree of acceptance of your sexuality. These are topics to think about as you consider what role your child’s grandparents will play in his or her life. Oftentimes the lure of grandchildren can be enough to change a parent’s acceptance level, but other times it can go in the opposite direction. Depending on how important it is to secure the approval of the future grandparents, a gay or lesbian family may want to deal with these issues before heading down the road to parenthood.
ARE YOU SURE NOW’S THE TIME?
While deciding to become a parent can be a decision that couples belabor for months or even years, the desire can also be sparked very quickly. While some gay or lesbian couples consider parenthood for an extended period, one partner may wake up one morning and feel the time is right. Especially for lesbian couples, one woman’s biological clock (or both!) may have been ticking away for years, and finally gotten to the point where the decision to parent can no longer be ignored if the person is to give birth to a child.
Marty and Chris are one such couple. When they first met, both women talked about wanting children one day, but neither felt ready to take on the responsibility at that point. As their relationship became more serious, their talks of becoming parents became more frequent, but always ended in, “We’ll do it some day.”
They’d been together for about five years when Marty decided it was time to start a family. “I was finishing up a graduate degree,” Chris comments, “when Marty said that she made an appointment with an infertility doctor. I thought, ‘WHAT? Now?’” After weeks of debate and discussion, Chris realized that the choice simply wasn’t hers to make alone. “Marty felt with every inch of her being that it was time to get pregnant. I knew there was no talking her out of it, and it wouldn’t have been fair to try.” One partner’s feeling that the time has come to bear children may make little or no sense to the other partner, but that doesn’t make the urge any less real.
The desire for a child is not always a rational decision. While some parents may want to wait until they are financially secure and have jobs that can easily accommodate being a parent, others simply cannot wait. The notion of the biological clock is the subject of some scientific debate, but it’s undeniable that hormones play a major role in the way we live our daily lives. Biological timers help our bodies adjust to daily fluctuations, such as waking up as the sun rises and getting sleepy as the sun sets. While humans certainly can (and do) override these natural preferences, there’s little doubt that the body and nature have been designed to work together in a complementary fashion. Parenthood is one of those decisions that can come on a gut, instinctual level rather than being an intellectual decision. Parenting involves many losses of control, and the decision to become a parent is often the first of those seemingly irrational decisions!
One of the first facts to become immediately obvious to a gay or lesbian couple is that their parenting experience will be a very different proposition from what is experienced by a heterosexual couple. A major difference is that, for gay and lesbian couples, parenthood is usually a conscious decision. There tend to be very few unplanned gay pregnancies or adoptions. Because of this reality, gay and lesbian couples often tend to be older than their heterosexual counterparts before parenting their first child. Gay couples will often go back and forth for years before succeeding in their dream to become parents.
DON’T WAIT FOREVER
While it’s always wise to study the available options before making an informed decision, it is important not to wait too long. Once you’ve committed yourselves to becoming a family, let the debates and indecision cease.
Remember that there’s no perfect time to become a parent. Abhi and Jose, a gay male couple from Oregon, had the “Are we ready?” discussion for several years before deciding that they simply wanted to be parents. Abhi recalls, “You can always have more money or a better job. You can always live in a better house. So at some point, you just have to stop worrying and do it.”
Money and material possessions won’t make you a better parent and it is important eventually to come to terms with the idea that you cannot prepare yourselves for parenthood one hundred percent. Jose and Abhi knew that the right time to have a child was when they both decided that they were ready. “Eventually, we knew that all these external factors just didn’t matter that much,” Abhi says. “We both had well-paying jobs, and we figured that that was enough.”
There are several actual reasons not to put off the parenting decision indefinitely. Raising young children is exhausting, and people in their twenties and thirties have more energy (and usually better health) than those in their forties or fifties.
In addition, waiting too long could actually make it much more difficult to become parents. Women’s fertility begins to decline dramatically after age thirty-five so lesbian couples, like all women, have a built-in timeline for achieving pregnancy. For men considering using a surrogate, the age of the surrogate (or egg donor) is more of an issue than the age of the sperm source, though sperm count and motility do start to decline later in life. Also, most international adoption agencies require younger parents to adopt babies and toddlers. People in their fifties will only be allowed to adopt older children. If you and your partner are on the outer limits of the optimal age period set by agencies, don’t wait another five years! There is also a lower age limit to be considered: many countries will not allow people under thirty to adopt.
Of course, older parenthood comes with its own set of perks – older parents are often more mature, more settled in their jobs and careers, more financially secure and more knowledgeable in general. The tradeoffs are important to consider when thinking about starting a family – one interesting data point is to think about how old you will be when your youngest child graduates from high school or college. For parents of a newborn who are in their forties, college expenses can be formidable at a time when they may be living on a retirement budget. Of course, this situation can be surmounted with a bit of planning, but it’s certainly worth taking into account.
WE THINK WE’RE READY… ARE WE?
While there is never any perfect time to become a parent, some times are better than others. Harbor no misconceptions that having a child is inexpensive or fast. If you and your partner are currently buried under a mountain of debt, you may want to at least try to get your finances in order before taking on the responsibility of raising a child. Also, bear in mind that the cost of acquiring a child varies drastically. The bare minimum costs may be incurred by a lesbian couple attempting to get pregnant using fresh sperm from a known donor; if everyone is healthy and fertile, this process may cost as little as the price of the syringes. At the other end of the spectrum, international adoption or in vitro fertilization can easily rack up tens of thousands of dollars of bills. Be realistic about both what your family can afford, and what kind of debt you’re willing to take on in order to have a family.
Also, the expense of a child certainly does not end with the acquisition of said child. Jose was shocked at how much it cost to raise a child. “The adoption itself wasn’t too bad, but my lord! The diapers, the formula, the bottles, the baby food, clothes… And he’s only two years old!” The expenses grow with your children; eventually they’ll want bikes, the latest electronic gear and summer camps. And this doesn’t even take college into account! While it’s possible to raise a child as extravagantly (or not) as possible, a newborn will sleep as soundly in a basic bassinette as she will in a top-of-the-line crib.
Unfortunately, not all expenses can be foreseen or avoided. Consider that your child might have a major medical problem that isn’t covered by insurance; the bill will eventually fall to the parents. Also consider that you might have a teenager who needs major orthodontia, most of which likely won’t be covered by dental insurance. It is always best to have some savings as a buffer against these sorts of unforeseen expenditures.
In the case of Marty and Chris, both women were young and for them, starting early ended up working to their benefit. “We’d always talked about having a big family… I wanted two kids, she wanted three,” says Chris. “Even though we debated a bit before getting started, it ended up being a good thing that we started young.”
WHERE DO BABIES COME FROM?
Most gay or lesbian couples have to come terms with the fact that, while cutting-edge reproductive technologies are becoming more prevalent, it is next to impossible for a gay or lesbian couple to be the sole genetic contributors to a child. While heterosexual couples can certainly have serious problems with infertility, most couples composed of a male and a female member expect that they will be biologically related to their offspring. For gays and lesbians, this is usually not the case.
For example, a gay couple using a surrogate to carry a child to term will have to choose the sperm of one of the men. In some cases, the two men may choose to mix their sperm so that they don’t know which one is the biological father; however, the egg will ultimately only be fertilized with the sperm of one man. And just a warning on the subject: this practice might reduce the chances of conception because of antibodies which could cause problems for normal sperm function.
In the case of a lesbian couple that decides to have a baby, one of the big decisions will be which woman should carry the child. For some couples, one woman may really want to be pregnant while the other does not necessarily want to give birth herself. Marty and Chris had this “dilemma,” but were able to work it out since Chris had no interest, at the time, in getting pregnant. “For us, the decision was easy. I really wanted to get pregnant, and she didn’t!”
However, in other lesbian couples, both women may have intense desires to be birthmothers, and in these cases the decisions will be much more difficult. Options to circumvent this situation include both women attempting to get pregnant at the same time or implanting the eggs of one woman into the uterus of the other.
The issue, though, remains a major one: only one member of the couple usually will have a primary biological relationship to the baby. Some lesbian couples may choose to use a sperm donor who is a relative of the non-carrying partner; that way, both families’ blood lines will be present in their offspring. However, this solution to fathering the child relies on the availability and willingness of a male relative.
Do not discount the emotional impact of these decisions. It is important for gay and lesbian couples considering parenthood to discuss their roles in the family that they will create. One satisfying approach to give both parents equal status is for the child to assume the last name of the partner who is not biologically related. That way, both parents can assert their relationship to the child without rendering anyone unequal.
Of course, equal parenthood isn’t always a necessity. In some cases, one member of a couple may really want a child while the other member is less interested in the entire process. They may decide to configure their family so that the biologically-related partner is the primary parent, and the other partner has a role more like that of an aunt or uncle. While less common, this method can give each parent the roles desired. Beware, though, that once the theoretical child actually exists, all bets are off: hormones kick in and roles may change. Be prepared to be flexible. However, in a gay or lesbian couple starting a family there are no fixed roles for each parent, as there are in a heterosexual family. Without predetermined gender roles, each member of a couple can instead choose the role that fits that person the best: equal parents, mommy and auntie or daddy and his partner.
OUT AND ABOUT
Another important issue for partially-or completely-closeted gay and lesbian parents is the fact that, by virtue of having a child, not disclosing one’s sexual orientation becomes much more difficult. Many gay people are only comfortable being conservative in their display of their sexuality.
Abhi and Jose learned first-hand that one can’t maintain that level of privacy with a family. “When it was just the two of us, we were pretty careful not to look ‘too gay,’” Jose says. “We both had some bad experiences in college, and just wanted to be ourselves without being harassed. But after we adopted Kenny, we ended up all walking down the street holding hands together. It’s just what you do as a parent – you stop worrying about what other people think.”
Having a child call both parents “Mommy” or “Daddy” in public will make your family structure clear and apparent to all but the most oblivious observer. Once your child is older, she will talk about her family with friends, neighbors, teachers, the lady at the grocery store and anyone else she meets or comes into contact with. Expect to be “outed” in the most mundane of situations. Don’t expect your children to respect your desire to hide your lifestyle. If you can’t handle this sort of exposure, gay parenting may not be for you.
Children are not known for their subtlety and will probably fail if asked to keep the “family secret.” In fact, it is far preferable to teach children to be open and proud of their family structure. Keeping secrets will teach them that there’s something wrong with their family, and that is not a good thing with which to burden a child.
If you and your partner are not comfortable being out in everyday situations, it may be a good idea to practice before the child is old enough to understand what you’re saying. For example, if you’re sitting at a park with your infant and the mom on the next bench asks what your husband does for a living, it’s a good idea to practice saying something like, “my partner is an architect – she works up in the city.” While it may seem difficult or uncomfortable at first, remember that talking about your family structure will get easier in time.
FEAR NOT STRAIGHT STRANGERS
Gay families may encounter some confusion, hostility or outright homophobia from heterosexuals. Be prepared to deal effectively with these situations, especially in front of your children. If your children are verbal, express matter-of-fact pride in your family structure. If you are asked any sort of intrusive questions, such as how your children were conceived or adopted, feel free to brush them off if you are uncomfortable answering. If you feel the person is asking out of genuine interest instead of prurient curiosity, but don’t want to discuss the details of picking a sperm donor in front of your children, it can be best to have a prepared answer along the lines of, “Those are personal details that are just for our family, but if you want to give me a call later I can give you some more general information.”
Don’t assume the worst, however. You’ll probably find that you’ll bond just fine with the other parents at your child’s baby gymnastics class over the mundane details of parenting. Every parent has to deal with issues like diaper rash and reflux! An interesting facet of becoming a parent is that you may find yourself having much more in common with the straight couple down the street than you did before you had kids. In fact, you will probably have much LESS in common with your gay friends who have chosen not to be parents.
To this extent, parenting is a great equalizer. You may find that you mesh into “straight culture” more than you ever dreamed (or wanted!) and that, conversely, the bar scene doesn’t hold the appeal that it did before the 3:00 a.m. feedings and diaper changes. Perhaps the best way around this situation is to connect with other gay and lesbian families in your area. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself acquiring a number of straight friends as well, especially ones with children the same ages as yours.
Keeping your existing circle of friends is not impossible. Many of your gay and lesbian friends, while they might decide not to become parents themselves, may make excellent honorary aunts and uncles to your children. Don’t discount any offers of free babysitting! What’s important to remember is that, even as your primary function is now that of a parent, you are still the same person you were before you had children, and you still have your own intellectual and emotional needs. Try not to isolate friends just because they don’t have children. Incorporate them into your life to the extent that they are willing. Especially if your household includes a stay-at-home parent, childless friends can be a lifeline back to the adult world where conversations rarely involve what shade the baby’s poop is.
You may, of course, find that in reality, once you have kids, you have little time for anyone else. If this is the case, don’t be self-critical. For most of us, family comes first, and you have to accept that one of the prices of parenthood is making certain sacrifices.
CHOOSING TO BE A SINGLE PARENT
Single people, we believe, are capable of becoming excellent parents. The reality of single parenting, though, will be different from that of parenting as a couple.
People making a conscious decision to be single parents are becoming more and more common, and have certain advantages and disadvantages over parenting as part of a couple. On the plus side, the decision is all yours. When you decide the time to become a parent is right, you can begin to take action without further ado. As a single parent, you can have absolute consistency in your style of parenting. Your child will not need to adapt to two disparate sets of rules. For some, the most significant benefit is that you and your child can develop an exceptionally close relationship without having to make time for a spouse or partner.
On the other hand, single parenting is a lot of work. There will probably be times that you wish for someone (anyone!) to share your screaming baby at three in the morning. Single parents are on duty all the time. While some are lucky enough to have grandparents or close friends living nearby to help out, others do not have this sort of help available.
Single parents should know that they’re not alone – statistics show that the majority of single parents are no longer teenagers. They’re older women. There are even support groups for “single parents by choice” that include both heterosexual and gay or lesbian parents who have decided to share their lives with a child, with or without a partner.
CAN I AFFORD A BABY ALONE?
Before choosing to become a single parent, seriously consider the financial realities. As the only parent, you’ll have to work full-time, unless you’re independently wealthy. While working from home could be a fantastic way to cut down on daycare bills, full-time work-at-home jobs are few and far between. Even if such an opportunity presents itself, it can be difficult to put in a forty-hour work week while tending to a baby or toddler.
Daycare costs can eat up a large portion of your salary. The exception would be a fortuitous situation where you know someone who would watch your child for a reduced fee. Be advised, though, that this person should be a certified childcare worker and his or her home needs to be safe for children. This person could also be a close, trusted friend or relative, but he or she would need to understand the commitment that is required for watching a child five days a week. Try to figure out a plan for returning to work once your child has arrived and make sure that it will be feasible.
The options for having a child as a single parent are generally the same choices that a lesbian or gay couple would make. Insemination, surrogacy and adoption are the three primary options. The notable disadvantage is that, as a single person, you’d be responsible for the entire cost (as opposed to it being split between two partners) so finances could partially dictate the route you choose.
In some cases, it may actually be easier to adopt a child as a single parent than it would be as a couple. Your sexual orientation becomes much less of an issue as a single man or woman, particularly for international adoption. However, conceiving and giving birth may be more difficult without the support of a partner. The decision is an individual one, but it should be considered from all these different angles.
CHALLENGES FROM WITHOUT: EXTENDED FAMILY
Are you expecting Grandma and Grandpa to welcome your child with open arms? Don’t be shocked if they’re not as pleased as you are with your new family. As a gay or lesbian couple, you may find that the level of acceptance you receive from your parents and other extended family members varies widely. This may depend on the relatives’ ages, where in the country they live, whether they know any other gays or lesbians, whether any of their friends have gay or lesbian children, etc. Depending on how long you’ve been in your current relationship, you may find that parents especially regard your being gay as “just a phase” and think of your partner as “just a roommate” or a friend. They may go on in their denial for much longer than you would have thought possible.
The presence of a child in your lives, however, can be much harder for parents and other family members to ignore. While you and your partner may attend family holidays and other gatherings simply as “roommates” or friends, showing up with one partner holding a baby and the other partner holding a diaper bag makes the relationship much more obvious. Even if you feel as though you laid the groundwork years or even decades ago and have been out to your parents forever, be prepared for the fact that becoming parents is often what finally forces your own parents to consider you and your partner as lovers, partners and spouses.
If having a child doesn’t turn your parents into true believers, don’t despair. Often it’s just a matter of time before parents can finally accept and acknowledge their child’s homosexuality. In many cases, parents will come to a gradual realization that homosexual relationships are, in fact, relationships. They may meet other gay couples in other situations, and may realize that their friends also have gay children. They may see others in their day-to-day lives, from plumbers to store owners, who are out and gay; eventually, these casual relationships may positively affect their relationships with their own children.
On the other hand, don’t be shocked if parents who have shunned you for years for being homosexual suddenly welcome your new child with open arms! There is something about the lure of a grandchild that can make older or more conservative people more accepting. Especially if this is the first grandchild on either partner’s side of the family, you may find that much is forgiven when grandma gets to hold a smiling bundle of joy for the first time. Allow grandma and grandpa the pleasure of experiencing their first grandchild and give them the benefit of the doubt. While all families may not come around just because a child has been born, you may be pleasantly surprised. At the very least, don’t deny yourself the pleasure of finally being accepted, even if it had to come without direct action of your own.
You may also find that proud grandparents will naturally want to brag about their grandchild. They may want to show baby pictures to everyone they meet. This may actually force them to be much more open about your relationship than they would have been previously. Even if you’ve been out for years, don’t be surprised if everyone in your hometown suddenly seems to know both that you’re gay, and that you’ve had (or adopted) a child.
Once you’ve decided to try to become parents, you may want to tell your friends and acquaintances before the child is even conceived. However, rethink this. Both pregnancy and adoption can be long and bumpy roads, and if the people you tell are not supportive, their negative influence can add to your potential feelings of frustration. Reserve the announcement for the time when parenthood is imminent.
For example, if you’re using a surrogate to achieve pregnancy, you may want to wait until the pregnancy is fairly well established (or even until the child is born, in cases where extended family is more estranged) before announcing the child. When considering adoption, you may want to wait until you’re actually matched with a birth mother or receive a referral (for international adoption) before breaking the news to relatives.
On the other hand, some relatives may need quite a bit of time to get used to the idea of your becoming a parent. They could be better off with a slow approach, rather than a phone call saying, “Hey mom, we’re pregnant!” In these cases, you may want to break the news more gradually, perhaps as a series of hypothetical statements, such as “gee mom, we’re thinking of moving to a bigger house because we might start a family some day” or “how did you manage it when you had three small children at home?” Such questions will not only involve your parents by asking for their advice, they should give them some clue as to your plans.
You may also find that pregnancy and parenting a young child may bring you closer to both your parents and your partner’s parents than before. Feel free to ask for stories about when your mother or mother-in-law was pregnant; ask for advice on a wide variety of topics. Taking the advice is completely optional! The point is simply that starting a family can be a shared experience through which the entire family can bond.
For many, starting a family is a badge of true adulthood. Most gay and lesbian couples are not privy to weddings. The birth or adoption of a first child has a tendency to elevate a couple to adult status in the eyes of their other family members. Don’t be surprised to be invited, as a couple, to family gatherings and events for the first time.
HEY, THAT’S NOT FAIR…
Be aware of the potential for difference in treatment of your children and other grandchildren. For example, your sister may be married with a few children of her own. Suppose you then adopt a child, or your partner gives birth to a child. Your parents may be wonderfully accepting of your children and may welcome them as grandchildren. However, they could instead treat only the children that they are biologically related to as “real grandchildren.”
Unfortunately, the last scenario can be fairly common among gay couples and their extended families. If it happens to you, you’ll need to explain that all of your children are full members of your family and, therefore, of theirs. The first and best option is to be forthright: speak to the offending grandparents and make it clear that this difference in treatment is unacceptable. If this approach doesn’t work, it may be necessary to issue an “ultimatum” – treat all the grandchildren equally, at all times. Always remember what is most important: your children deserve to live in an environment where they are loved, respected and valued. These things are much more important than any supposed “rights” that extended family members may think they have. If you don’t like the treatment that your child is getting, even from a close relative, the best choice may be simply to eliminate contact with that person.
It is well-documented that children thrive in an extended family environment. If neither partner is close to anyone in his or her own family, remember that this extended community doesn’t have to be a biological one. If you experience hostile or unequal treatment from some or most family members, you can create a family of choice consisting of friends and supportive relatives. They can help provide a nurturing and caring environment that your children need and deserve. You can give them honorary titles of “Aunt,” “Uncle” and “Grandma”, and they can fulfill required roles at holidays, school plays and other celebrations.
Even if your family is supportive, they may live far away from you and your new family. In that case, a local family of choice can still be an excellent mechanism for support.
CONCLUDING ADVICE
We’ve discussed many things to think about as you start considering parenthood. The most important thing to ask yourself is, do you feel ready? If the answer is yes, then be confident in your decision to start a family. There will be bumps and potholes along the way, but your first day as a parent will be one of the happiest days of your life.
QUESTIONS FOR PROSPECTIVE PARENTS:
1. Are you prepared for a child, not just emotionally, but also financially?
2. Have you thought about how having a child will change your life?
3. Are you comfortable being “out”?
4. If you have a partner, does he or she feel the same way you do about starting a family?
5. Do you have any friends who are parents?
6. Have you spoken to your own parents about your desire to raise children?
7. Do they support you?
8. If you are single, do you have a good support network?
