Читать книгу Mistletoe Mommy - Danica Favorite - Страница 12
ОглавлениеWhen they’d finished their meal, Luke escorted Nellie across town to the hotel where she’d been staying. Because she was a woman traveling alone, the respectable establishments had turned her away. Too many women of ill repute came under the guise of being a widow. Luke glanced at Nellie as she avoided a puddle. He couldn’t imagine anyone thinking so poorly of her, a genteel woman who’d clearly hit on hard times. The place she’d found was not in the best part of town, and Luke would feel better having her in his own hotel—in separate rooms, of course.
Though their conversation over dinner had turned to easier topics, Luke couldn’t get Nellie’s earlier reactions out of his head. She acted almost afraid, like she thought he might hurt her. He’d answered her questions about the house and the children, his expectations thereof. Almost like a job interview. But not.
Underlying it all was the tension of knowing he would be married to this woman, sharing his life with her. He and Diana had not spoken of these things prior to marriage. They’d flirted, talked about the weather, and when her parents weren’t looking, stolen a few kisses.
In his head, he’d firmly told himself he would not be kissing Nellie McClain. But every once in a while, he found his mind drifting.
Like now. Luke shook his head. “I’m sorry, could you please repeat that? I got distracted.”
“I was asking how you discipline the children.”
Luke followed her gaze to the entrance of a store, where a mother stood, scolding her child harshly. Even at a distance, Luke could see the fury in the woman’s eyes, her face red, as the child practically cowered before her. The little boy looked to be slightly older than his youngest, Maeve, and he seemed too young to have done anything so terrible.
Luke took a deep breath and let it out slowly. He hadn’t given his expectations of discipline much thought, but now that Nellie was asking, he realized he should have. How could he have thought to bring a woman into their lives without knowing how she’d treat them?
“I know conventional wisdom is that to spare the rod is to spoil the child, but I don’t believe in striking a child. I don’t know what that child did, and it’s not my place to judge, so perhaps I shouldn’t say anything, but I prefer to use other methods with my own children.” He glanced in the direction of the mother and child as they continued on their way.
Nellie nodded. “I agree with you on that. Corporal punishment only serves to create fear, and I wish for the children to learn about love.”
Clearly they agreed on parenting, but the tone in Nellie’s voice made Luke wonder if there wasn’t more to her words than what she was saying. Once again, Luke found himself wanting to ask Nellie more personal questions, to learn about this fear that seemed to be lurking underneath. Because she was afraid. What had her husband been like? Something deep inside Luke told him that he’d hurt her. Badly.
“You never said—how did your husband die?”
He watched as Nellie drew in a breath that caused her shoulders to shake slightly. How easily he’d strayed to a personal subject, even though he’d been doing his best not to.
“I’m sorry,” Luke said. “I shouldn’t have asked.”
She shook her head. “It’s all right. If we’re to be married, we should be able to answer one another’s questions.”
Looking as though she had to steel herself for the topic, Nellie straightened. “He was shot in a saloon for cheating at cards.”
What kind of man would do that to his wife? Luke’s stomach churned. “That must have been difficult for you. I’m sorry for your loss.”
“I’m not,” Nellie said quietly. “I didn’t approve of his lifestyle, and it caused me nothing but grief. Which is why I apologize if any of my questions seem impertinent, but had I known certain things about Ernest beforehand, I would have never married him.”
None of the reasons Luke previously had for wanting to marry Nellie seemed to matter now. Next to him was a deeply wounded woman, and his heart cried out for her. He wanted to help her. To heal her. He couldn’t give her his love, no, that would be too much for him. But he would show her that the things she hinted at, the things that lay beneath the surface of every line on her face, they were not true of every man.
“You can ask me all you want. I promise to give honest answers.” Luke sighed. “Though I suppose if your late husband cheated at cards, you probably have no reason to believe me.”
A tiny smile turned the corners of Nellie’s lips. “I’ve gotten good at telling when a man is lying. And I believe you.”
“Thank you.” Luke wasn’t sure why it mattered so much, but it felt good to know Nellie believed him.
“Might I ask how your wife died?”
He should have expected the question, but her words were like a shotgun blast to the chest.
Fighting the nausea that always came when he spoke of it, Luke took a deep breath as he looked at Nellie.
“She was serving with the church ministry to the miners. There was an explosion at the mine, and she was killed by falling rocks.” He shook his head, trying to banish the image of his wife’s lifeless body.
Nellie gave his arm a squeeze. “I’m so sorry for your loss. I heard you say at Mrs. Heatherington’s that you are angry with the church because of her death. I can understand why.”
“Thank you. I shouldn’t be bitter, but it’s hard. And it’s even harder walking through those doors and having everyone try to make up for something that can never be replaced. They say what I suppose are all the right things, but nothing can be said to erase the pain in my heart. All their words about God’s love—if God loved us so much, why would He have taken her from us?”
His voice shook as it always did when he spoke of Diana’s death, and Luke looked away, but Nellie held his arm tight. Hopefully she wouldn’t question him further on the topic or try to convince him that he needed to let go of his grief. People didn’t understand. He couldn’t... He just couldn’t.
It seemed wrong to talk about his late wife to the woman who would soon be his next wife. Especially when he knew that he would never be able to share the kind of love with Nellie that he had once had with Diana.
Even now, he couldn’t help but hate himself a little at the thought of marrying so soon after Diana’s death. It seemed an insult to her memory. But what other choice did he have?
Nellie gave his arm another squeeze. He was grateful for the convention of her taking his arm to be escorted through town, even if she held him a little too tight to be acceptable. Though he normally didn’t enjoy the comfort others offered, the genuine compassion Nellie showed him felt almost like a lifeline.
“Grief is a personal thing,” she said. “You need to mourn your wife in the way that is best for you. Sometimes I feel guilty for not mourning my husband, but that is my burden. I respect your need to deal with your wife’s death in your own way.”
He turned his attention back to her, noticing the tenderness in her eyes. Her response confirmed his belief that marrying Nellie was the right thing to do. Luke was tired of everyone telling him how to act after his loss. None of them knew what he was feeling. Even Pastor Lassiter, who had lost his own wife years ago, could not possibly understand the unbearable weight in Luke’s heart. Nellie was the first person who didn’t pretend to know what he was going through.
“Thank you,” he said. “I appreciate your understanding. I won’t ask the details of your marriage. I suspect you were not as blessed as I was, and for that I am truly sorry. Your late husband was a fool. Which is a pity, because even in the brief time I have known you, I can see that you are a wise and loving woman who deserved better.”
Luke placed his free hand over hers and gave her a squeeze. It felt nice to have another loving human touch that asked nothing of him and only sought to give.
A hint of pink tinged her cheeks, and she looked away briefly.
“Don’t do that,” Luke said. “You have nothing to be embarrassed about. I know there is not love between us, at least not the romantic kind. But even now, I care for you as a friend. As your friend, I don’t judge you for your lack of grief. Instead, I praise you for finding the strength to carry on and being willing to open your heart to me and my family.”
With a gentle smile, Nellie turned her attention back to him. “I consider you a friend, as well. Thank you for understanding my situation and being willing to accept what I have to give.”
“No thanks are needed. After all, you are doing me just as great a service. I believe we will get on together well.”
* * *
If Nellie needed any other convincing that marrying Luke was the right thing to do, this conversation had done the trick. He was a man with a good, loving heart. Luke deeply grieved his wife, and for that Nellie was thankful. It seemed odd to be thankful for a man’s grief, but it was an indication that he cared for others. What Nellie needed most was someone with strong compassion, someone who had the capability to love.
Not that Nellie desired love for herself, but if a man could love, he could be kind. In fact, it was a relief to know that Luke had buried his heart with his wife. He’d already loved someone, which meant he wouldn’t be falling in love with Nellie, and there would be no danger of her falling in love with him. A perfect match.
Or at least as perfect as Nellie could expect from a stranger. She could hear her mother’s voice in the back of her head, cautioning her that a man who didn’t love the Lord with all his heart was no man at all. But what did she know of Luke’s heart? Or of any man’s heart, for that matter? In the early years of their marriage, Ernest had been a churchgoing man, respected in their community. It wasn’t until the drinking and gambling had gotten out of hand that things started falling apart.
She should count it a blessing that Luke was honest about his relationship with God.
If only it wasn’t for the sinking feeling in her stomach telling her she shouldn’t settle for so little.
Nellie fought the urge to laugh at such ridiculousness. So little? She’d been offered the world with her first marriage. Everyone thought she’d done so well in marrying Ernest McClain. Look where that had gotten her.
Which left her here, walking through town with a stranger willing to marry her, because like Nellie, he was out of options. And as if Nellie needed any other reminders, they walked past a house of ill repute. Though it was too cold out for the ladies to be sitting on the porch, beckoning men to sample their wares, it was obvious they were inside, waiting.
Nellie shuddered. She’d been kept in a place like that. And she was never going back.
Luke pulled her closer to him. “I’m sorry we have to go past those places. You’ll find we have similar parts of town in Leadville, but our home is in a decent area where you won’t be bothered by the likes of them.”
Closing her eyes briefly, Nellie sent a silent prayer, thanking God for a husband who wanted a marriage in name only, but also asking Him to help keep her secret. She hadn’t been in that place willingly, but most people didn’t seem to understand that.
“On to more pleasant things,” Luke said, patting her hand. “How do you envision our wedding?”
As Nellie smiled back, she was grateful for the way Luke took her feelings into consideration. Though her late mother would have argued that Luke’s estrangement from the church was a large matter, each of these small kindnesses he continued showing her added up to be far more than any measurement Nellie could have given. Even before things got bad, Ernest had never been so considerate of Nellie. Her world had revolved around pleasing him—or facing the consequences.
Just because Luke struggled with his faith didn’t mean Nellie had to give up hers. Besides, it wasn’t as though she’d been a regular churchgoer herself. Ernest had forbidden her from going after they threw him out for showing up to service drunk, and Nellie had learned to observe her faith in her own quiet way.
Nothing would change in her faith if she married Luke.
Except she’d promised herself that when she finally found freedom, she’d throw herself into a church community and participate in every activity that had been denied her so long.
Would he make her break that promise?
“You do still want to marry me,” Luke said, looking down at her, “don’t you?”
Nellie met his gaze. “Of course I do. I was just thinking...”
Did she dare ask him about her reservations? They’d talked about everything else, and her faith was no small thing.
But she’d seen the flash in his eyes when he spoke of his anger at God. Everything else she’d done to test his character, to see if she could push him into the kind of rage she’d seen in Ernest...was it all to be for nothing if she didn’t pursue his potentially negative feelings now?
“I was just thinking about God. And church,” Nellie said firmly, looking him in the eye. They had paused in front of a church, and Nellie took that as a sign that they needed to have this conversation.
Luke didn’t flinch. “You’re worried my anger at God would prevent you from going?”
Nellie seemed hardly able to draw a breath. It was as though he could read her thoughts.
She nodded slowly, her eyes searching his, looking for a hint of the rage she so feared. Had she provoked him this time? Better now than after the wedding, when she wouldn’t be able to undo her mistake.
If marrying Luke was a mistake, she’d figure that out before they went through with it. Never again would she endure the pain she’d suffered during her marriage to Ernest. The coins she’d sewn in the waistband of her skirt and hidden in the toe of her shoe didn’t amount to much, but it would give her enough. Nellie had learned a few tricks of her own from Earnest’s vile friends. Never put all your coins in one place. She would always be able to escape.
If Luke revealed a temper, best to end things now.
“My quarrel is with God alone,” Luke said slowly. “I do not fault others for not sharing my anger. I would not ask anyone to bear the burden I carry. You’re free to worship as you choose.” His face darkened slightly as he took a deep breath. “Though I would ask it not include me. Save your sermons and conversion speeches for those who need it. I am not among them.”
As Nellie searched his expression, she could find no hint of violence, no sign that he would hurt her if she disobeyed him.
“All right,” she said quietly. “I can agree to that.”
Luke let out a long sigh as he turned toward the church. “I suppose you’ll want a church wedding.”
“No,” Nellie said. “I would be happy visiting a justice of the peace. But there is your family to consider. What would be best for them?”
Luke frowned, as if he had already thought that far ahead and was troubled by the answer. “I don’t know. Ruby will be angry, because she feels as though she has taken her mother’s place. I told her I was considering taking another wife, and she doesn’t believe it’s necessary. She thinks she is running the household just fine.”
As Luke shook his head, Nellie gave his arm another squeeze. It seemed slightly inappropriate that they were behaving in so familiar a manner so soon. Yet Nellie found great comfort in a man’s gentle touch, a touch void of violence and with no expectation other than that of being a friend.
“Ruby is but a child. It’s not right to ask her to give up her childhood. She disagrees, but that belief comes from a child’s mind. The others...” Luke shook his head again. “Amos seems content enough. He fights with his sister because he doesn’t like her bossing him around. And he has a point. She oversteps, but there is no one else to be in that place. I keep thinking if they had a mother, they could return to being siblings, and maybe even friends.”
Luke looked at her and smiled. “Maeve is a delight. Sometimes it’s frustrating that she has no memory of her mother. But she needs one, desperately. She needs a woman’s gentle touch. A grown woman, not her sister, because a sister is not like a mother, and Maeve needs both.”
Clearly Luke had given this matter a great deal of thought. He cared for his children and wanted only the very best for them. Though Nellie’s reasons for marrying him were selfish, she could at least do some good here.
“I’m grateful to be allowed the chance to give your children the mother they need. It won’t be easy, because I’m sure the older two miss their mother dearly. But I hope you’ll aid me in keeping her memory alive for them and letting them know that a person’s heart is big enough to allow two mothers to love a child.”
“That is exactly how I feel,” Luke said. “But my children will take some convincing. Which is why I like your idea of simply going to see the justice of the peace. I don’t have any family to invite to a wedding, other than the children. I think the gesture will be lost on them.”
Then he turned his gaze to her, his face full of thoughts she hadn’t yet learned how to decipher.
“What about your family? Will they be disappointed at you not having a wedding?”
With a sigh, Nellie thought briefly about her sister. “My parents are dead. All I have is my sister, Mabel. But she is too far away to come for a wedding, and after my last marriage, I can’t see her appreciating our circumstances.”
That, and letting Mabel know where to find Nellie could put Mabel’s family in danger. When Nellie had gone to Mabel for help after Ernest’s death, Ernest’s men told Mabel that if she ever helped Nellie again, they would harm Mabel’s family. Given that they had already burned down Mabel’s barn, Nellie knew these were not idle threats. When Nellie escaped to come West, she promised herself that she would never again put her sister at risk. Though Nellie longed to see her sister again, she had no idea whether or not those men would go back to Mabel looking for Nellie. If Mabel knew nothing, she would be safe.
“If she ever wants to visit, your sister would be most welcome. Once our family is firmly established, perhaps we can go see her.”
Tears filled Nellie’s eyes. It seemed like such a small gesture, yet Luke’s willingness to include her family was almost a dream come true. Ernest had discouraged Nellie from spending much time with her sister. Even though they lived in nearby neighborhoods in St. Louis, Ernest always found excuses for the families not to get together. Granted, Mabel lived on a farm at the edge of town, but it was an easy ride and not too difficult a walk to the neighborhood where Nellie had lived.
Once again, Luke gave Nellie a tender look. “I know how hard it is to be so far from family. Even worse when your family does not understand your choices. Neither of our families approved when Diana and I chose to move West. But it was what we had to do.”
Luke appeared lost in memories of Diana for a moment. Nellie was struck again by the deep love Luke had for his late wife. But this wasn’t just about what Luke had lost. It was about how much more he was still willing to give.
“So it’s settled, then,” Nellie said, smiling at him, turning her back on the quaint little church. “We shall visit the justice of the peace and be married. Then we can return to your home with me as your wife, and I will care for your children.”
Luke looked at her. “Is it really that simple?”
“It does seem odd, doesn’t it?”
Though many people would make the argument that Luke and Nellie didn’t know each other nearly long enough to marry, sometimes time wasn’t what was needed. Ernest had courted Nellie for nearly a year, yet she hadn’t known all the reasons not to marry him. In these few short hours of knowing Luke, Nellie had never been more certain of a person’s character. With their hasty marriage, it gave Nellie a way to hide, but also a second chance at a life she’d always dreamed of living—that of a wife and mother.
When Nellie had come up with her plan, she felt guilty at the thought of attaching herself to a man who might someday fall in love with her. The place in her heart that allowed a person to fall in love was so firmly locked tight, it would never open. But with Luke, she had no reason to feel guilty. His heart was in no danger of becoming entangled with hers.
Briefly, Nellie thought about the men who were after her. She’d done so much to protect Mabel. Though Nellie was reasonably certain that they would leave her alone if she was married, part of her wondered, was she putting Luke and his children in danger?
Nellie shook her head. She hadn’t come straight to Denver from St. Louis. She’d traveled to several places looking for a fresh start. And then she’d seen it. The ad for Mrs. Heatherington’s Matchmaking Service. She’d liked Mrs. Heatherington’s descriptions of mail-order matches gone wrong. It was easy enough to lie over letters, claiming to be of greater beauty than one had, to possess qualities or characteristics that didn’t exist, and to so completely miserably represent oneself as to be perpetuating a lie. It had given Nellie comfort to think that someone would examine a potential match and weed out men who would not be a good choice.
And so, Nellie had boarded the train to Denver. She’d been careful in all her journeys, giving false names, wearing clothes that would make her appear completely unremarkable and even going so far as to purchase tickets under her own name for destinations she had no intention of ever visiting. Yes, it had cost her nearly all that remained of the meager funds she’d squirreled away and hidden in the hollow of a tree at the back of her former property. The house had to be sold once Ernest died. Or at least that was what the men had told her. When she’d finally escaped, the house appeared unoccupied. But she knew they would look for her there. However, the money had still been where she’d hidden it. So she’d taken her money and run.
None of the men would suspect that Nellie had the means for so much travel. But she’d been careful anyway. There was no reason she should ever be found.
Luke took a step forward. “We need to continue on,” he said. “I’m not very familiar with Denver, and I have no idea where we would go to be married. If we were in Leadville, I suppose I should ask Pastor Lassiter to marry us. But I cannot, will not, bring myself to ask for his help. I know he wants to, and I know he means well. Many say that he genuinely cares about my circumstances. But I also can’t help but wonder if he’s trying to help me out of his own feelings of guilt. He made the decision to send the ladies to the mine to serve the miners.”
Nellie squeezed his arm and smiled. “I do not know the man, so I cannot say. I hope you don’t mind, but I believe I will leave my judgment of the pastor until I have met him myself. I know you are not comfortable with the church, but it would be good for the children if you allowed me to bring them.”
A sad smile found its way onto Luke’s face. “Of course. I have been neglecting their spiritual education. Diana’s friends have asked me if I might allow them to bring the children to church.”
Luke’s shoulders sagged as he shook his head. “I know my children need to go to church. But if I allow them to go, people will see that their clothes need mending, and though I am not ashamed of my children, they will feel compelled to once again step in and help me. I cannot bear such a thing. I don’t want to hear how my home needs a woman’s touch. Or that this is no life for a child. I don’t want people questioning my decisions, telling me how I ought to be raising my children. Nor do I want their charity. Most of all, I cannot bear the weight of any more of their pity.”
How interesting that Luke was a man of such pride. Though pride was a sin, and Nellie often thought it to be a terrible flaw in a man, something about the wounds in Luke’s pride made Nellie want to hold him tight and tell him everything would be all right. Unlike Ernest, who had reacted with his fists when his pride was wounded, Luke seemed to withdraw into the shame and do everything he could to make things right on his own.
None of this was Luke’s fault. He’d lost his wife, and in some ways, lost his way. The grief would have to be worked out on its own. But Nellie could help with the other things. Their home would once again have a woman’s touch. The children would go back to wearing clean, neat clothing. They would be well fed and well kept, and everyone who saw them would see that the Jeffries family was doing very well indeed.
“You don’t have to bear that weight alone. I promise to do my very best to make sure there is no reason for such pity to be bestowed upon us. In the eyes of everyone else, you are moving on with your life. You’ve given your children a mother to care for them, and I promise to take that duty seriously.”
Luke let out a long sigh as they crossed the street. “Do you know how frustrating it is to be mad at God, to be so angry with Him, and yet want to thank Him for how wonderfully He is arranging matters for your family?” Then Luke shook his head again. “But if it were not for God taking my wife away from me, He would not need to be providing for us now. So how am I supposed to feel? It is still God’s fault that all of this has happened to us. I am still so angry, so hurt, and it seems almost an insult that He’s choosing to remember our family now.”
Anger vibrated out from Luke’s body. Of all the men she’d known with the right to be angry, Luke had the greatest. But in his expression of anger, he did not raise his voice. He did not get violent. Rather, he seemed to be filled with such a profound sadness that only the weight of his bones was keeping him upright.
“I can’t pretend to understand your level of anger at God. But I agree with you—it seems terribly unfair. I won’t always understand how your children feel, but I will offer to them the same compassion I’m giving to you.”
Luke nodded slowly. “I have never known such compassion. You do not understand what a gift it is to be allowed to feel what you feel. You’re the only person who hasn’t tried talking me out of my anger at God. I suppose some might see that as a lack of faith. But I think you know that this is between me and God. It is something I must work out on my own.”
He lifted her hand to his lips and kissed it. Gently. Not like a lover’s kiss, or even that of a dashing suitor. But something that reminded her of the warm kiss of her sister’s greetings. Comforting. Safe.
“Thank you,” Luke said. “Most of the time, I feel as though I am suffocating from the weight of all that I must deal with. Everyone wants to take it away and make it disappear, but it’s not that simple. You seem to know that. Instead, you are offering me a lifeline, choosing to walk alongside me and giving me what I need without lectures or judgment.”
“I am not one to judge,” Nellie said quietly. After all, hadn’t she done many things others would judge her for? Even as she stole a glance at the man who was to be her husband, her stomach churned at the thought of him finding out all of her secrets. Though she reminded herself that he’d been firm in saying he wanted a marriage in name only, the uneasy feeling didn’t go away. There was no reason for him to know everything.
But as they passed another place that looked a little too much like where Ernest’s creditors had kept her, Nellie couldn’t help but think herself a terrible person for hiding so much from him.
